The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A Guide to an Intimate Relationship With a Partner Who Has Asperger Syndrome

by Maxine C. Aston

Based on research, her experiences as a counselor specializing in this area, as well as her personal relationship experiences, the author explores the relationships of adults with Asperger Syndrome. By using quotations and real-life examples to illustrate her points, she achieves a balance of factual information and compassionate understanding. Practical, everyday topics include living and coping with AS, anger and AS, getting the message across, sex and AS, parenting, staying together and AS cannot be blamed for everything.

Genres: Nonfiction, Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Aspergers, Health

88 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2001

Reviews

[Sasha Boersma · Rating 2 out of 5]

While not the worst "explaining AS-NT" relationships on the market, this book works on some theories that are not exactly true. It plays up the "AS folks don't have theory of mind" and "AS folks don't have empathy" cards which are not true - AS just processes empathy differently, if not deeper, making empathy that much more difficult to express.

That issue aside, the book isn't bad, and is perhaps the best book I've read target to NTs who want to honestly try to understand AS in their own language.

Also, very little specifically about women with Aspergers. If you are looking for more on women with AS, you are better off picking up Rudy Simone's books.

[Iona Stewart · Rating 4 out of 5]

I couldn’t get through this book to the end since it turned out not to have much relevance for me; it dealt with problems experienced by couples where the male (or one of the males in a gay relationship) suffered from Asperger’s syndrome.

Though I didn’t read the whole book, it seemed to deal with all aspects of relationship problems where Asperger’s is involved.

We learn that the Asperger’s partner can have many rigid daily routines and when these first are established, it will be difficult to get the person to change them.

Partners may feel that they did not feel necessary to the Asperger’s person on an emotional level but were needed more for what they did than for who they were and how they felt.

Those with Asperger’s are blunt and honest, which can cause social problems. (Funny that honesty turns out to be abnormal, but that’s probably true.) Asperger people can seem rude, so it is not surprising that they don’t always have close or long-term friends. But it can be that they don’t have friends because they never really wanted any or chose solitary pursuits.

Those (we) with Asperger’s often complain that they wish people would just say what they mean. One woman told her Asperger husband that she would kill him if he forgot to pick up the dry cleaning; he did forget and was thus afraid to come home, fearing for his life.

They may have wooden facial expressions, clumsiness to their movements or evasive eye contact.

I remember when leaving a job and mentioning to my boss that I knew we had not always seen eye to eye, and that he had perhaps been dissatisfied with me; but he said, no, on the contrary, several of the employees had not been happy with him but didn’t dare say anything, so he didn’t know where he stood with them, whereas with me he knew exactly where he stood because I always said exactly what I thought about things; he had greatly appreciated this.

Those with Asperger’s are hard workers and good providers. My bosses appreciated me and gave me much leeway because I was a conscientious worker and always got the job done as well as possible. I am not a morning person but they accepted that I regularly came late because of my conscientiousness and high standard of work.

With an Asperger partner it is important to say what you mean and mean what you say.

One woman told her Asperger husband that if he did not change he would have to leave, and, to her horror, he left the next day since he did not feel he could change.

I felt that the book provided a very adequate discussion of the various aspects of Asperger’s and the problems that may arise. Four stars!

[Darci · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't think it was very objective but then again it was one person's experience being married to a man with AS. It is often said when you meet one person with AS you've met one person with AS. I assume it was meant a neuro-typical female audience. I am AS and female so it may just be lost on me.

[Sandee Clemons · Rating 5 out of 5]

Book that helps the partner of the autistic understand what it takes to connect, and communicate with their significant other. I talk with many people (and consider them priceless friends) on the spectrum and have been asked several times to speak with their partners. This book is a must have for someone who cares for the autistic.

[xixellonj · Rating 3 out of 5]

Somewhat helpful for an introductory book, aimed towards females in a heterosexual relationship with a male AS. A bit too fixed and general on some ideas and not a lot of diverse cases as people on the spectrum are not quite the same, so generalizations won’t explain a lot.

[Lydia · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is short and to the point - if you want to understand autism spectrum disorder and to help improve your relationships with those you know whom may have this, read this book! If you would like more information about asperger syndrome, at the back of the book there is a list of further reading materials (books & articles), a list of references used to write the book, as well as a list of websites and groups you may be interested in joining or reading about. That alone is useful.

The book is organized as follows (British Spelling):

Chapter 1: Some Facts about Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)
Chapter 2: Is Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Predominantly a Male Condition?
Chapter 3: Suspected, Undiagnosed Asper Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)
Chapter 4: Obsessive Behavior or Special Interest?
Chapter 5: Socialising, Friends, Present and Past
Chapter 6: Trying to Communicate
Chapter 7: Seeking to Communicate
Chapter 8: After the Diagnosis, What Next?
Chapter 9: Initial Attraction
Chapter 10: Getting Help
Chapter 11: Living and Coping with Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder)
Chapter 12: Improving Communication
Chapter 13: Getting the Message Across
Chapter 14: Anger
Chapter 15: Sex
Chapter 16: Parenting
Chapter 17: Money Matters
Chapter 18: Special Interests
Chapter 19: Routines
Chapter 20: Socialising Solutions
Chapter 21: Empathy and Reciprocity
Chapter 22: Asperger Syndrome (Autism Spectrum Disorder) Cannot Be Blamed For Everything
Chapter 23: Staying Together

I actually found that the advice the author offers can work with anyone, not just with someone whom you suspect may fall on the autism spectrum. For example, females with aspergers may feel more isolated and have a rougher time in relationships than males - they need an emotionally supportive partner (I think everyone would want an emotionally supportive partner regardless of gender!). And the author does mention that females with autism tend to pair up with a partner that also has autism - which makes the communication that much more difficult. Another example, is that some people who fall on the autism spectrum may not have close friends now or in the past - and not seem to 'need' them; but on the other hand, they can also be desperately trying to make friends and not understanding why their attempts keep failing. Treat people nicely and with respect, and the world will smile back at you! And Hug an Aspie!

BTW, if you would like to read a story about someone with aspergers syndrome to get the idea of how a person would think/act, I recommend reading The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion.

[Birdie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read a library copy of this book and felt frustrated the entire time, wishing I could highlight parts. I should have bought a copy--and I still might. The book offers helpful strategies for coping with relationship challenges when a partner might be on the autism spectrum.

[Rachel Shields Ebersole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Easy to read, compassionate and affirming to both parties, and has some good practical suggestions.

[Lara Bennett · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is brilliant. Although the content of the book is, admittedly, a little grim, it is extremely informative and touches on each aspect of Aspergeres Syndrome just enough.
The delicate way in which this was written is perfect and it is plain to see that Maxine Aston is sympathetic to this particular subject which makes it easier to read, I suppose.
The only reason I gave this four stars and not five is because the language is a little hard to wrap your head around if you are not an 'academic'. I am aware that this is primarily an academic book but it is also an information book for people that are in a relationship with/have relationships with people with Asperger Syndrome and I think in that respect, this book is lacking in identifiable language but otherwise, an amazing read and very informative. If you know someone with Asperges, this will really help you out! 4/5 Stars.

[VJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is short and a fairly quick read that offers simple strategies for strengthening an intimate relationship when on partner has Asperger syndrome. Because of Asperger's increased frequency of incidence among males, this book is written primarily for women in an intimate relationship with a man with Asperger's.

Communication, clear and unambiguous, is stressed as well as patience and taking care to be aware of one's own needs and how to have them met when your partner cannot adequately fulfill your every need.

AS strengths and weaknesses are discussed and the entire text is hopeful and helpful.

[Rue Baldry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Prose style is not Aston's strength which is what I've docked her a star for. This makes reading this less of a pleasure than it could be and thus means information doesn't always go in on a first read. What information there is is a bit scant and repetitive, but it's all very useful stuff and well worth having. I even laughed out loud and some of the examples she gave of Aspie behaviour. (I'm allowed to laugh; sometimes humour is the only thing keeping me going with my own partner).

Recognition is what provides a lot of the humour and also the solace in this book. She has some solid advice, too. I've written down her Golden Rules for Communication for frequent future reference.

[Lee W · Rating 5 out of 5]

As an autistic man I have always found that Maxine Aston’s writings resonate with me, and this book is no different.
I certainly feel that she actually understands how I think, how I process information and how I experience the world.
This book has certainly given me a greater insight into the problems that my wife experiences with my Asperger’s. Hopefully it will help us in the future.

If there is one deficiency in the book, it’s that there is very little about AS/NS relationships where the autistic partner is female. There is nothing at all about same sex relationships.

Overall this is well written, informative and easily read text and I would highly recommend it.

[Izibela · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone on the spectrum

I appreciate the sincerity of the author. I agree with a large majority of the book, but some parts seemed very uncomfortable to read...like the part where my non-ASD partner is likely to blame my "bad traits" to my disorder as if my identity is separate from it. It's a neurological impairment... it's literally me. So, apparently I'm still the problem no matter who we pretend we're really blaming. I AM Autistic...if you blame Autism for me being me, you blame me for being me.

[Trish Sanders · Rating 3 out of 5]

A friend loaned me this book, and think it could be very helpful to a couple where one of the partners has Asperger Syndrome. It focuses primarily on women who are in relationship with a man who has AS, as the author did not have the opportunity to interview many couples with the opposite dynamic.

I would recommend it to anyone who is in a relationship like this who wants to understand and improve their dynamic.

[Jean · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice little introduction to what Asperger Syndrome is and how it affects both those who have it and those who live with someone who has it. A little short on what the good points of Asperger's are, but not possible to do as much with these points in this very readable 80 page booklet.

[Adrianna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Somewhat helpful, but it seemed mainly a run-down of Asperger's traits, rather than a useful tool for the non-Aspie partner. It also seemed to suggest that most accommodations would need to be made by the NT partner, which I generally disagree with.

[Rhonda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book will be a helpful tool for couples who have very little understanding of Asd to gain insight into their interactions. I was disappointed there aren't more tools for the Asd partner but rather puts the responsibility for change on the shoulder of the non-Asd partner.

[Máire · Rating 1 out of 5]

Drivel, erroneous pet theories based on falsehoods to drum up business. A shame to the autism community.

[G. Lawrence]

Very helpful, quick guide and intro to the subject, with lots of helpful ideas! Easy to understand and follow.

[Kat Potts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have a disability? One that makes things difficult for you socially? Now imagine that, but being expected to hold a steady intimate relationship with someone while having this type of disorder.
This is a psychological nonfiction book, The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome: A Guide to Living in an Intimate Relationship With a Partner Who is on the Autism Spectrum by Maxine C. Aston. This book dives deep into the reality of having Aspergers in a relationship and having a partner with Aspergers in a relationship.
The aspects of this book were educated and well thought out. The potential reader of this nonfiction masterpiece would learn tons of new facts. An element that was cool about this book was the fact that the author gave the target audience real advice, and did not only list every detail of the problems and say what not to do. Not everyone is going to have a partner with Asperger Syndrome, but this advice is still useful for when you just talk to someone with Aspergers. The book tells us more about the psychology and emotions behind Aspergers, and that was incredibly smart of the author to do.
Something that could be really helpful and interesting to the reader is the chapters. Yes, that is a little basic, but the chapters really covered everyone someone with a partner with Aspergers would need to know. The chapters were short and to the point, but at the same time it was anything but rushed. These chapters were labeled accurately, and all of them were quick and informative.
The next element that should be talked about is the problem and solution that occurred in the book. The author would write and explain a problem that most Aspergers couples go through, and then list a solution. This element should really be appreciated because the author didn’t just list all of these issues that people go through without giving any possible solutions.
A specific example of this element is on page 69, where it states “Always use the word ‘I’. It is also important when you are explaining something to your partner,especially your feelings, always to remain in ‘adult mode’-that is, always make use of the word ‘I’, not the word ‘you’, which can appear to be an accusation. Imagine being on the receiving end of the following-how would you feel? -’you have really upset me’ -’how could you be so thoughtless’ -‘You think more about your precious handbags than you do about me’. All these statements may seem quite justified at the time that they are said, but your partner would interpret them as being criticized and attacked. All sound far better if you rephrase them using the word ‘I’: -‘I felt that my feelings were not considered’ -‘I felt like my needs weren’t acknowledged’ -‘I would like you to spend more time with me’” (Aston 69).
The last element that should be pointed out is the real couples that the author put in the book. These couples discussed their problems, including the issues they were going through within their own relationship.This was an amazing idea for the author to do, seeing as these examples of real couples make the readers trust the source(the book) more. It makes the whole book more believable, trustworthy, and realistic.
Here is an example of this element: “One woman told me about a fireworks display that the entire family, including aunts and uncles, went to one bonfire night. It was taking place in the grounds of an old castle. She asked her husband, who was more familiar with the layout of the castle grounds than she was,if he could find the best possible place for them to stand to see the fireworks. He certainly found the best place, but the effort it took to get there was quite traumatizing, climbing over rocks and down slippery slopes, all at a rate of knots, with her husband rushing around like a squadron leader, ordering everyone around. By the time the family got there, no one was in the right frame of mind to enjoy the display-two family members had walked off and the poor wife was a complete nervous wreck. Your partner’s determination to complete a task can,therefore,be a bonus, but only if it is channeled in the right direction. This seems more relevant for men with Asperger syndrome than women, as women tend to be more inclined to stay in the background and allow their partner to take the limelight; this cannot be applied to all women on the spectrum, however.” (Aston 111)
Overall, this book was an outstanding piece of work and people with Asperger’s, people with friends/partners with Asperger’s, and just people who are just interested in the subject should definitely read this book.

[Marissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

I tentatively give this four stars, though I might feel very differently were I married to a person with ASD or were I a person with ASD myself.

This seemed to me to be a pretty terse, clear-eyed, practical guide to being partnered to a person on the autism spectrum. If anything, it erred on the side of being too terse. The subject seems like a complex one to me, and this guide probably simplified issues a few times. As I have dear friends on the spectrum, it occurred to me more than once that some of the statements being made about folks with ASD may be broadly true, but not universally so.

On the other hand, there are some really good tips for dealing with friends and loved ones on the spectrum in here. For example, I really appreciated the idea of "complete messages," in which a non-ASD communicator must tell the person with ASD "the facts, your thoughts, your feelings, and what it is you need." I think it's pretty natural for neurotypical people to rely on subtext, hints, pregnant pauses, etc., etc., and I liked this very practical laying-out of what a person on the spectrum needs to get the full message across.

I suspect that for someone who is married to a person on the spectrum who has just been diagnosed, this book might be a marriage-saver. It will help that "other half" feel less alone, and point them towards resources that can be their support system. The book may oversimplify some issues, but I suspect this is in service of providing a concise, readable guide.

[Caitlin · Rating 1 out of 5]

I started a couple of books on the topic of being in a relationship with a partner who has Asperger's (ASD) but this is the only one I was able to finish. As a non-Asberger who was in a relationship with a man who has it, I didn't find it particularly helpful in the end. The reality is that every person with Asperger's is very different and I found that my partner didn't fit a lot of the descriptions in this book, and that a lot of the issues that the book discusses weren't issues for us. But then, there were areas where he fit and issues that were issues for us, so I think it really depends a lot on the person. It's a very individual thing. I also found books like this quite negative and depressing, like, you're left feeling like these issues are always going to be issues in your relationship and you're mostly the one who is going to have to adjust and change. So I don't know if reading this book is really worth it for me in the end.

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

2.5-3 stars.
If you know literally nothing about ASD, autism spectrum disorder (Aspberger’s), this may be helpful to you. As someone who only in the past week has begun reading a little and learning a little about what it’s like to be married to someone with ASD, I was pretty disappointed with how rudimentary this information was. I learned very little that I didn’t already know or could intuit, and the second section - which offers relationship advice for the non Asperger partner - was only minimally helpful. This seems like a very basic and very short primer, and more detail and depth would have been helpful. I’ve been more specifically helped and learned more from reading online articles.

[Debbie Phillips · Rating 3 out of 5]

I chose this book because my husband thinks he is on the Autism spectrum. He has not been diagnosed and I don't think he ever will be, but from things we have read and things he has told me about his childhood it is not far fetched. I didn't enjoy this book, like you would a fiction book. But I learned a lot. I see a lot of traits my husband has in this book.

Anyway, if you have a spouse you think may be on the Autism spectrum I recommend this book.

Ultimate Popsugar Reading Challenge prompt(s) –
#24 A book on a subject you know nothing about

[Laxmi]

The author is a counsellor and has done quite some research on Asperger Syndrome. In this book, she presents parts of the results of the research, broken down into short sections that are easy to understand and incorporate. She talks not only about what someone with Asperger's can do but what the their family and/or dear ones must do.
She has consciously been quite sensitive while presenting the content throughout the book such that someone with the condition could also pick it up and will not be offended.

[Annie Ren · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s a lot about communication and understanding the ASD style of communication. There’s a few examples of concrete strategies couples could use to combat specific challenges that come up (e.g. the need to leave a social gathering earlier than the other wants to and what to do). I wish there were a lot more concrete strategies.

[Annie Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

There’s a lot about communication and understanding the ASD style of communication. There’s a few examples of concrete strategies couples could use to combat specific challenges that come up (e.g. the need to leave a social gathering earlier than the other wants to and what to do). I wish there were a lot more concrete strategies.

[Connie Bauer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book on adults with Asperger's.

Unfortunately for me, the book is more about men rather than women with Asperger's. The section on communication was the best part of the book.

[HQ · Rating 3 out of 5]

Helpful, illuminating, & interesting in a lot of ways, but I wasn't a fan of how much Aston relied on gender stereotypes/essentialized versions of "how women behave" vs men. She throws in a few mentions of queer couples, but didn't nuance the language enough.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Written by a neurotypical person as a rule book for other neurotypical individuals on how to “deal with” those of us on the Autism Spectrum. Not a fan. Some good information throughout but definitely was more of a “guide” as the title states. Will not recommend.