I have to admire Katherine Ann Porter. So many of her loves died and rejected her, ran away, and deceived her. Somehow she ended up writing truthfully about it. At least I believe her. Her stories do not seem like acts of judgment, since the lovers' sins are not forgiven or changed. Yes, I believe her, because her final relief was to understand it all in a story. What relief? It is only the comfort and joy between reader and author. If I could step back somewhere and propose to Katherine and win her heart we would certainly repeat some of these ugly acts. No solution for love in the stories of Katherine Ann Porter, just the comfort and joy between author and reader.
"He wondered if anybody had ever thought - oh, well, of course everybody else had, he was always making marvelous discoveries that other people had known all along - how impossible it is to explain or to make other eyes see the special qualities in the person you love. There was such a special kind of beauty in Miriam. In certain lights and moods he simply got a clutch in the pit of his stomach when he looked at her. It was something that could happen at any hour of the day, in the midst of the most ordinary occupations. He thought there was something to be said for living with one person day and night the year round. It brings out the worst, but it brings out the best, too, and Miriam's best was pretty damn swell. He couldn't describe it. It was easy to talk about her faults. He remembered all of them, he could add them up against her like rows of figures in a vast unpaid debt. He had lived with her for four years, and even now sometimes he woke out of a sound sleep in a sweating rage with himself, asking himself again why he had ever wasted a minute on her."
-That Tree
"Oh, what is life, she asked herself in desperatete seriousness, in those childish unanswerable words, and what shall I do with it? It is something of my own, she thought in a fury of jealous possessiveness, what shall I make of it? She did not know that she asked herself this because all her earliest training had argued that life was a substance, a material to be used, it took shape and direction and meaning only as the possessor guided and worked it; living was a progress of continuous and varied acts of the will directed towards a definite end. She had been assured that there were good and evil ends, one must make a choice. But what was good, and what was evil? I hate love, she thought, as if this were the answer, I hate love and being loved, I hate it. And her disturbed and seething mind received a shock of comfort from this sudden collaps of an old painful structure of distorted images and misconceptions."
-Noon Wine
Not all of Porter is bombastic revelations on the nature of love. Some of these passages struck me because they came after walking close with some character, knowing them closer than a sister or a brother, and then hearing them decide on something that they had never thought to decide before - it is a joy and comfort.
I first heard of Katherine because she was an astonishing and lucky survivor of the 1918 influenza epidemic. She lived, and when her hair grew back it was all white. The young man that briefly took care of her when she was first struck with the sickness was not alive when she came out of it. Writing about it in 'Pale Horse, Pale Rider' and 'Holiday' is a stunning response to such agony, it doesn't matter if it took decades. I stand up and cheer her.
Here is this:
"He was wearing a new hat of a pretty biscuit shade, for it never occurred to him to buy anything of a practical color; he had put it on for the first time and the rain was spoiling it. She kept thinking, 'But this is dreadful, where will he get another?' She compared it with Eddie's hats that always seemed to be precisely seven years old and as if they had been quite purposely left out in the rain, and yet they sat with a careless and incidental rightness on Eddie. But Camilo was far different; if he wore a shabby hat it would be merely shabby on him, and he would lose his spirits over it. If she had not feared Camilo would take it badly, for he insisted on the little ceremonies up to the point he had fixed for them, she would have said to them as they left Thora's house, 'Do go home. I can surely reach the station by myself.'
'It is written that we must be rained upon tonight,' said Camilo, 'so let it be together.'"
-Theft
Wonderful. I'm so glad to have finally met her, born only ten miles away in the town of Kyle, Texas.