10 Reasons Why You Should Never Live With a Writer
1) The initial phase of living with a writer is romantic, much like the start of a book. She has the BIG IDEA. Coming from a screenwriting background, naturally the BIG IDEA is going to be a blockbuster. You will be able to quit your job, live on the beach and sip drinks while watching sunsets. Somehow the kids will raise themselves. This is the fun part.
2) The fun part isn't over, yet. Now you are in the steady working part. The big idea is still running strong. The ideas are fresh and new and the plot chugs along like the little engine that could. Characters are funny and witty. The house stays somewhat clean, although you've realized by now that your particular writer isn't a neat freak. But the cat's turds aren't sitting in the litter box. Which is great.
3) Now we get to the not so fun stuff. Your writer has reached the middle of her book. Oh no. She wasn't really writing a book about a woman leaving her husband. (No plot spoilers so don't worry.) She was writing something else. But she doesn't know what it is. She keeps writing but wow, her hair is kind of dirty and the kids' lunches have lost that fresh, tasty look. The cat is looking for someplace else to do his business and what -- you just came home to frozen pizza -- again?
4) While your writer is slogging her way through act two we'll digress into That Awful Summer. Yes, that was the summer that your writer mother decided that she was going to write the young adult novel because everyone else was doing it. And as any mother knows if everyone else is doing it then it must be a good thing. But wait, there's more. Mom decides to write something supernatural. Even though you've told her that she's not Stephanie Meyer and never will be Stephanie Meyer. Stephanie Meyer is busy trying be herself so no one else needs to do the job.... so there is that identity crisis which in a weird twist of fate is resolved by mom meeting Oprah.
5) When you are living with a writer weird things happen like Meeting Oprah. That phase is fun for you unless you happen to be at a company party at your friend's super cool house, it's sunny outside and everyone is having a good time but there is the one guy whose wife is really obsessed with Oprah and he wants just one detail to take home to her, which is really sweet. Your writer likes talking about it, sometimes but this is your thing, not hers, so she is kind of quiet and you have to end up telling the guy, at your company party to leave your wife alone. And if you are her kid you have to hear all kinds of inspirational claptrap about "owning your own decisions" and "making your own destiny" when all you really want is a second helping of dessert and more TV.
6) Meanwhile the second act thing works out. You are going to be rich again. Oh no, you're not. Yes you are. No you're not. This is called Who am I Coming Home to Today? It's a fun game that writers like to pull on their spouses. We whine about the heavy lifting of words we've done for wow -- THREE WHOLE HOURS. And yes, maybe you do work in a coal mine but whatever, have you ever tried to deal with a character that has a mind of her own and keeps falling for the wrong guy?
7) A book your mom self published is picked up by a publisher. Super cool -- Right? Wrong. Because it's the one with the talking breast implants. That's right. You are an adolescent and your mom has talking boobs in her book. Maybe you can talk about the next one. The one with infidelity and a grandma/stripper. Or the next one with the teenager who helps his dad with his career as a hit man? No, no and no. Why can't mom sell real estate?
8) Things are getting better with the whole Act Two thing. Your writer has come to the very rewarding phase of Act Three when all the hard work is paying off and things are gelling. This is the nirvana of writing. The blissful nerd high. You are Liz Lemon (which is what your kids think you would be if you never met your long suffering husband. If you don't watch 30 Rock, get the DVD at the library) when she realizes that everyone loves her just the way she is.
9) But you can't sleep. Things are going so well that you're waking up at 4:00 am ready to hit that computer. By 2 in the afternoon, right before your kids come home from school, you are the human jellyfish with the same brain capacity. Maybe worse. Do we even have a cat?
10) You have another idea. It's going to make you all rich. You tell your husband to quit the job he loves because you are all moving to Hawaii. He smiles and says "I love you."
2) The fun part isn't over, yet. Now you are in the steady working part. The big idea is still running strong. The ideas are fresh and new and the plot chugs along like the little engine that could. Characters are funny and witty. The house stays somewhat clean, although you've realized by now that your particular writer isn't a neat freak. But the cat's turds aren't sitting in the litter box. Which is great.
3) Now we get to the not so fun stuff. Your writer has reached the middle of her book. Oh no. She wasn't really writing a book about a woman leaving her husband. (No plot spoilers so don't worry.) She was writing something else. But she doesn't know what it is. She keeps writing but wow, her hair is kind of dirty and the kids' lunches have lost that fresh, tasty look. The cat is looking for someplace else to do his business and what -- you just came home to frozen pizza -- again?
4) While your writer is slogging her way through act two we'll digress into That Awful Summer. Yes, that was the summer that your writer mother decided that she was going to write the young adult novel because everyone else was doing it. And as any mother knows if everyone else is doing it then it must be a good thing. But wait, there's more. Mom decides to write something supernatural. Even though you've told her that she's not Stephanie Meyer and never will be Stephanie Meyer. Stephanie Meyer is busy trying be herself so no one else needs to do the job.... so there is that identity crisis which in a weird twist of fate is resolved by mom meeting Oprah.
5) When you are living with a writer weird things happen like Meeting Oprah. That phase is fun for you unless you happen to be at a company party at your friend's super cool house, it's sunny outside and everyone is having a good time but there is the one guy whose wife is really obsessed with Oprah and he wants just one detail to take home to her, which is really sweet. Your writer likes talking about it, sometimes but this is your thing, not hers, so she is kind of quiet and you have to end up telling the guy, at your company party to leave your wife alone. And if you are her kid you have to hear all kinds of inspirational claptrap about "owning your own decisions" and "making your own destiny" when all you really want is a second helping of dessert and more TV.
6) Meanwhile the second act thing works out. You are going to be rich again. Oh no, you're not. Yes you are. No you're not. This is called Who am I Coming Home to Today? It's a fun game that writers like to pull on their spouses. We whine about the heavy lifting of words we've done for wow -- THREE WHOLE HOURS. And yes, maybe you do work in a coal mine but whatever, have you ever tried to deal with a character that has a mind of her own and keeps falling for the wrong guy?
7) A book your mom self published is picked up by a publisher. Super cool -- Right? Wrong. Because it's the one with the talking breast implants. That's right. You are an adolescent and your mom has talking boobs in her book. Maybe you can talk about the next one. The one with infidelity and a grandma/stripper. Or the next one with the teenager who helps his dad with his career as a hit man? No, no and no. Why can't mom sell real estate?
8) Things are getting better with the whole Act Two thing. Your writer has come to the very rewarding phase of Act Three when all the hard work is paying off and things are gelling. This is the nirvana of writing. The blissful nerd high. You are Liz Lemon (which is what your kids think you would be if you never met your long suffering husband. If you don't watch 30 Rock, get the DVD at the library) when she realizes that everyone loves her just the way she is.
9) But you can't sleep. Things are going so well that you're waking up at 4:00 am ready to hit that computer. By 2 in the afternoon, right before your kids come home from school, you are the human jellyfish with the same brain capacity. Maybe worse. Do we even have a cat?
10) You have another idea. It's going to make you all rich. You tell your husband to quit the job he loves because you are all moving to Hawaii. He smiles and says "I love you."
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