Alan C. Baird's Blog
February 1, 2012
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
--Dylan Thomas
January 28, 2012
January 17, 2012
ANNIE (Malin Akerman): About a year ago, I was in this cab, and the cab driver - this Indian guy - started telling me... he started telling me all sorts of stuff. He was just looking at me in the rear-view mirror and he said, "Bliss. Bliss is your birthright." And I was like, "Uh... 45th and Madison?" And he said, "You have great potential in this lifetime. The key to your life is gratitude. You do not give enough thanks." And I said, "Well, how do I do that?" And he said, "Simple! Say 'thank you.'" And I said, "Well, when?" And he said, "All the time! Like now." And he said that after I say "thank you," I should say, "more please."
--happythankyoumoreplease, by writer/director/star Josh Radnor ("Ted Mosby" on How I Met Your Mother)
Starz - Netflix - Amazon - IMDb - Facebook
January 7, 2012
Blake would say, "The naked woman's body is a portion of eternity too great for the eye of man." (Iron John: A Book About Men, by Robert Bly, 1990)
Blake actually said:
"The roaring of lions, the howling of wolves, the raging of the stormy sea, and the destructive sword, are portions of eternity too great for the eye of man." (The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, by William Blake, 1793)
January 5, 2012
Facebook Manners And You:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iROYzrm5SBM
The Social Network Teaser 3 (Spoof):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5o4UzfZsZI
10 Reasons Why We Hate Facebook:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flRg9Q1d3kY
Robert Frost Checks His Facebook Account:
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/7b33dbb0bf
R U F*cking Kidding Me? (Facebook Song) [lyrics]:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ
January 1, 2012
Archaeologists have discovered the Mayan Calendar, Part Deux.
It starts in 2012, and even includes the last three months of 2011.
Bizarro
ABBOTT: Well, Costello, I'm going to New York with you. Bucky Harris, the Yankees' manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you're on the team.
COSTELLO: Look Abbott, if you're the coach, you must know all the players.
ABBOTT: I certainly do.
COSTELLO: Well you know, I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
ABBOTT: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these ballplayers nowadays very peculiar names.
COSTELLO: You mean funny names?
ABBOTT: Strange names, pet names... like Dizzy Dean...
COSTELLO: ...his brother Daffy...
ABBOTT: ...Daffy Dean...
COSTELLO: ...and their French cousin.
ABBOTT: French?
COSTELLO: Goofay.
ABBOTT: Goofay Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
COSTELLO: That's what I want to find out.
ABBOTT: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
COSTELLO: Are you the manager?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: You gonna be the coach too?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: And you don't know the fellows' names.
ABBOTT: Well I should.
COSTELLO: Well then who's on first?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: I mean the fellow's name?
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy on first.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The first baseman.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy playing...
ABBOTT: Who is on first!
COSTELLO: I'm asking you who's on first?
ABBOTT: That's the man's name.
COSTELLO: That's who's name?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Well go ahead and tell me.
ABBOTT: That's it.
COSTELLO: That's who?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO (pause): Look, you got a first baseman?
ABBOTT: Certainly.
COSTELLO: Who's playing first?
ABBOTT: That's right.
COSTELLO: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
ABBOTT: Every dollar of it.
COSTELLO: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy that gets...
ABBOTT: That's it.
COSTELLO: ...who gets the money...
ABBOTT: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
COSTELLO: Who's wife?
ABBOTT: Yes. (pause) What's wrong with that?
COSTELLO: I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how does he sign his name?
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: The guy...
ABBOTT: Who.
COSTELLO: How does he sign...
ABBOTT: That's how he signs it.
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO (pause): All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
ABBOTT: No. What is on second base.
COSTELLO: I'm not asking you who's on second.
ABBOTT: Who's on first.
COSTELLO: One base at a time!
ABBOTT: Well, don't change the players around.
COSTELLO: I'm not changing nobody!
ABBOTT: Take it easy, buddy.
COSTELLO: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
ABBOTT: That's right.
COSTELLO: Okay.
ABBOTT: Alright.
COSTELLO (pause): What's the guy's name on first base?
ABBOTT: No. What is on second.
COSTELLO: I'm not asking you who's on second.
ABBOTT: Who's on first.
COSTELLO: I don't know.
ABBOTT: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
COSTELLO: Now how did I get on third base?
ABBOTT: Why you mentioned his name.
COSTELLO: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
ABBOTT: No. Who's playing first.
COSTELLO: What's on base?
ABBOTT: What's on second.
COSTELLO: I don't know.
ABBOTT: He's on third.
COSTELLO: There I go, back on third again! (pause) Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
ABBOTT: Alright, what do you want to know?
COSTELLO: Now who's playing third base?
ABBOTT: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
COSTELLO: What am I putting on third?
ABBOTT: No. What is on second.
COSTELLO: You don't want who on second?
ABBOTT: Who is on first.
COSTELLO: I don't know.
ABBOTT/COSTELLO (together): Third base!
COSTELLO (pause): Look, you got an outfield?
ABBOTT: Sure.
COSTELLO: The left fielder's name?
ABBOTT: Why.
COSTELLO: I just thought I'd ask you.
ABBOTT: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
COSTELLO: Then tell me who's playing left field.
ABBOTT: Who's playing first.
COSTELLO: I'm not... stay out of the infield!! I want to know what's the guy's name in left field?
ABBOTT: No, What is on second.
COSTELLO: I'm not asking you who's on second.
ABBOTT: Who's on first!
COSTELLO: I don't know.
ABBOTT/COSTELLO (together): Third base!
COSTELLO (pause): The left fielder's name?
ABBOTT: Why.
COSTELLO: Because!
ABBOTT: Oh, he's center field.
COSTELLO (pause): Look, You got a pitcher on this team?
ABBOTT: Sure.
COSTELLO: The pitcher's name?
ABBOTT: Tomorrow.
COSTELLO: You don't want to tell me today?
ABBOTT: I'm telling you now.
COSTELLO: Then go ahead.
ABBOTT: Tomorrow!
COSTELLO: What time?
ABBOTT: What time what?
COSTELLO: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
ABBOTT: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
COSTELLO: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!! I want to know what's the pitcher's name?
ABBOTT: What's on second.
COSTELLO: I don't know.
ABBOTT/COSTELLO (together): Third base!
COSTELLO (pause): Got a catcher?
ABBOTT: Certainly.
COSTELLO: The catcher's name?
ABBOTT: Today.
COSTELLO: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
ABBOTT: Now you've got it.
COSTELLO: All we got is a couple of days on the team. (pause) You know, I'm a catcher too.
ABBOTT: So they tell me.
COSTELLO: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching. Tomorrow's pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
ABBOTT: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
COSTELLO: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
ABBOTT (pause): That's all you have to do.
COSTELLO: Is to throw the ball to first base?
ABBOTT: Yes!
COSTELLO: Now who's got it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO (pause): Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it. Now who has it?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Who?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Naturally?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
ABBOTT: No you don't. You throw the ball to Who.
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That's different.
COSTELLO: That's what I said.
ABBOTT: You're not saying it...
COSTELLO: I throw the ball to Naturally.
ABBOTT: You throw it to Who.
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That's it.
COSTELLO: That's what I said!
ABBOTT: You ask me.
COSTELLO: I throw the ball to who?
ABBOTT: Naturally.
COSTELLO: Now you ask me.
ABBOTT: You throw the ball to Who?
COSTELLO: Naturally.
ABBOTT: That's it.
COSTELLO: Same as you! Same as YOU!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow. Triple play. Another guy gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know! He's on third and I don't give a darn!
ABBOTT: What?
COSTELLO: I said I don't give a darn!
ABBOTT: Oh, that's our shortstop.
COSTELLO: (screams)
December 31, 2011
by Christopher Logue (23 Nov 1926 - 2 Dec 2011)
[written in 1968 for a festival marking the 50th anniversary of French poet Guillaume Apollinaire's death]
Come to the edge.
We might fall.
Come to the edge.
It's too high!
COME TO THE EDGE!
And they came,
and we pushed,
And they... flew.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
December 24, 2011
My dearest darling - That partridge, in that lovely little pear tree! What an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you and thank you.
Your deeply loving Emily
26th December
My dearest darling Edward - The two turtle doves arrived this morning and are cooing away in the pear tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful.
With undying love, as always, Emily
27th December
My darling Edward - You do think of the most original presents; whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Thank you anyway, they're heaven.
Your loving Emily
28th December
Dearest Edward - What a surprise - four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning impossible. But I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful - of course I am.
Love from Emily
29th December
Dearest Edward - The postman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly. A really lovely present - lovelier in a way than the birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mummy says she wants to use the rings to 'wring' their necks - she's only joking, I think; though I know what she means. But I love the rings. Bless you.
Love Emily
30th December
Dear Edward - Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the doorstep. Frankly, I had rather hoped you had stopped sending me birds - we have no room for them and they have already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but - let's call a halt, shall we?
Love Emily
31st December
Edward - I thought I said no more birds; but this morning I woke to find no less than seven swans all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds - to say nothing of what they leave behind them. Please, please STOP.
Your Emily
1st January
Frankly, I think I prefer birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids - AND their cows? Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily
2nd January
Look here, Edward, this has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing; all I can say is that judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green - and it's Mummy and I who get blamed. If you value our friendship - which I do less and less - kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once.
Emily
3rd January
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing about, all over what used to be the garden - before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it; and several of them, I notice, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
4th January
This is the last straw. You know I detest bagpipes. The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the Council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mummy has been spared this last outrage; they took her away this afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
5th January
Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises, at half-past seven this morning, of the entire percussion section of the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent your importuning her further.
I am, sir, Yours faithfully
G. Creep, Solicitor-at-Law
Your deeply loving Emily
26th December
My dearest darling Edward - The two turtle doves arrived this morning and are cooing away in the pear tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful.
With undying love, as always, Emily
27th December
My darling Edward - You do think of the most original presents; whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Thank you anyway, they're heaven.
Your loving Emily
28th December
Dearest Edward - What a surprise - four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning impossible. But I expect they'll calm down when they get used to their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful - of course I am.
Love from Emily
29th December
Dearest Edward - The postman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly. A really lovely present - lovelier in a way than the birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mummy says she wants to use the rings to 'wring' their necks - she's only joking, I think; though I know what she means. But I love the rings. Bless you.
Love Emily
30th December
Dear Edward - Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the doorstep. Frankly, I had rather hoped you had stopped sending me birds - we have no room for them and they have already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but - let's call a halt, shall we?
Love Emily
31st December
Edward - I thought I said no more birds; but this morning I woke to find no less than seven swans all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd rather not think what happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds - to say nothing of what they leave behind them. Please, please STOP.
Your Emily
1st JanuaryFrankly, I think I prefer birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids - AND their cows? Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find it very amusing.
Emily
2nd January
Look here, Edward, this has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies dancing; all I can say is that judging from the way they dance, they're certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless hussies, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green - and it's Mummy and I who get blamed. If you value our friendship - which I do less and less - kindly stop this ridiculous behaviour at once.
Emily
3rd January
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing about, all over what used to be the garden - before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it; and several of them, I notice, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
4th January
This is the last straw. You know I detest bagpipes. The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the Council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mummy has been spared this last outrage; they took her away this afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you're satisfied.
5th January
Sir, Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises, at half-past seven this morning, of the entire percussion section of the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent your importuning her further.
I am, sir, Yours faithfully
G. Creep, Solicitor-at-Law
