Gretchen Rubin's Blog
May 30, 2012
Every Wednesday is List Day, or Quiz Day, or Tip Day.
This Wednesday: A list of common false choices.
It’s very easy to fall into the happiness trap of false choices–of thinking you can either do X or Y, and that’s the choice you have to make.
False choices are tempting for a couple of reasons. First, instead of facing a bewildering array of options, you limit yourself to a few simple possibilities. Also, the way you set up the options often makes it obvious that one choice is the high-minded and reasonable choice, and one is not.
But although false choices can be comforting, they can leave you feeling trapped, and they can blind you to other choices you might make.
“I’d rather have a few true friends instead of tons of shallow friends.”
You don’t have to choose between a “real” few and “superficial” many. I have intimate friends and casual friends. I have work friends whom I never see outside a professional context. I have childhood friends whom I see only once every ten years. I have several friends whose spouses I’ve never met. I have online friends whom I’ve never met face-to-face. These friendships aren’t all of equal importance to me, but they all add warmth and color to my life.
“I think it’s more important to worry about other people’s happiness, instead of thinking only about myself and my own happiness.”
Why do you have to choose? You can think about your happiness and other people’s happiness. In fact, as summed up in the Second Splendid Truth, thinking about your own happiness will help you make others happy. And vice versa!
“Either I can be financially secure, or I can have a job I enjoy.”
“If I don’t want to live in a chaotic, clutter-filled house, I need to get rid of all my stuff.”
“I’d rather have an interesting life than a happy life.”
“It’s more important to be authentic and honest than it is to be positive and enthusiastic.”
Can you find a way to be authentically enthusiastic or honestly positive? In my experience, it’s often possible, though it can take a little extra work.
“I can care about people, or I can care about possessions.”
From Eleanor Roosevelt: “Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product.”
Happiness is a goal and a by-product. Nietzche explained this well: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”
One of my Secrets of Adulthood is “The opposite of a great truth is also true.” Sometimes, the falsity of a false choice comes from the fact that both choices are true. I have more time than I think and less time than I think. I can accept myself and expect more from myself. I want an empty shelf, and I want a junk drawer.
In further illustration of that point, false choices themselves can sometimes be unhelpful but at other times, helpful.
A false choice can be an indirect way for you to figure out what you really want; the way you’ve framed the question reveals the path you want to take. For instance, a reader emailed me and, after a long explanation of his situation, wrote, “So the question is: do I decide to risk everything to pursue a life of meaning and happiness, or do I stay stuck in my boring job?” That may have been a false choice, but in any event, it was pretty clear he’d made his decision!
Can you think of examples of when you, or someone you know, fell into the trap of a false choice? What was it?
May 29, 2012
Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by the Pigeons of Discontent.
This week’s Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is: “I envy my friends.”
If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Can a negative emotion like regret actually help make you happier? I think so.
Do you sometimes find it hard to be happy when your friends succeed?
How about you? Have you found any good ways to deal with feelings of envy–or other negative emotions? Do you sometimes find it hard to be happy for your friends?
You can post your own Pigeon of Discontent at any time; also, from time to time, I’ll make a special call for suggestions.
You can check out the archives of videos here.
May 27, 2012
“If God had not made brown honey, men would think figs far sweeter than they do.”
–Xenophanes
They say that “Comparisons are odious,” but lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the effect of comparison on happiness–and on perception generally. Comparison to others, comparison to the past, imagined comparison, comparison across experiences…it has a powerful influence on our thinking.
May 25, 2012
I’ve always loved paradoxes and koans, and was very struck by an observation by physicist Niels Bohr: “There are trivial truths and great truths. The opposite of a trivial truth is plainly false. The opposite of a great truth is also true.”
This is very true in the area of happiness, and in particular, I’ve noticed it with my resolutions. In many cases, my most important resolutions come paired with the opposite resolutions, and yet both are important to my happiness.
This tension was beautifully illustrated in a novel I love, Vikram Chandra’s mesmerizing Sacred Games
Of everything I’ve ever written, I think this short paradox–The days are long, but the years are short–resonates most with people. (Watch the one-minute video here.)
I want to Be Gretchen and accept myself, but I also want to perfect my nature (as this entire project demonstrates). I want to think about myself so I can forget myself. I want to work on my own happiness so I can make other people happier.
I want to lighten up and not take myself so seriously — but I also want to take myself more seriously.
I want to spend my time efficiently and not waste it, but I also want to wander, to play, to fail, to read at whim.
I want to be free from envy and fear of the future, and live fully in the present moment — but not lose my ambition.
Control and mastery are key elements of happiness; so are novelty and challenge.
Everything matters, and nothing matters. As Samuel Butler wrote in his Notebooks
Happiness doesn’t always make me feel happier.
Somewhere, keep an empty shelf; somewhere, keep a junk drawer.
Flawed can be more perfect than perfection. In Japanese, there is a beautiful term, wabi-sabi, which describes the special beauty of the imperfect, the incomplete, and the transient. Superficially similar, but actually different in meaning (as I understand it), is the phrase from software development, Worse is better.
Go slow to go fast.
Do it now. Wait.
A few years ago, my one-word theme for the year was Bigger. My sister chose Smaller.
Have you found any paradoxes that have been important to your happiness? Contrary resolutions that you try to follow in both directions?
I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in — no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
May 24, 2012
Happiness interview: Liza Palmer.
Liza Palmer is a bestselling writer with a new novel, More Like Her. One element of the novel is our assumption that we understand the realities of other people’s lives–but really, we often don’t. The theme of happiness, and how to create a happy life, is a frequent theme in her novels, and I was curious to hear what she had to say about happiness in her own life.
Gretchen: What’s a simple activity that consistently makes you happier?
Liza: I actually keep a running list on an old spa pamphlet in my desk drawer of concrete and specific things that make me happy. So often I over-think things that it helps to look at this list and realize, oh that’s right—all is not lost: Roi des Earl Grey from Mariage Freres exists. Sometimes it’s all we can do to turn our moods around and thinking we have to figure everything out can feel overwhelming. Sometimes it’s just about calling a friend and taking a drive with a great playlist.
What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?
I thought the happiness I yearned for was firmly planted in what other people had and that the happiness I had was somehow sullied because it wasn’t “cool enough.” My dorky friends and our ridiculous hijinks was something to be shrugged off and kept secret, while I coveted the perceived shiny-amazingness that the cool kids had. Now? A perfect evening involves dorky friends and ridiculous hijinks.
Is there anything you find yourself doing repeatedly that gets in the way of your happiness?
Over-thinking it. I think somewhere along the line I thought that joy and wonder were somehow pedestrian. That to be smart meant to be better than somehow “falling for that,” as if happiness was an aging uncle telling you to pull his finger. I find myself buying into the myth that pain purifies and that pleasure is something you should feel guilty about. Have you ever watched a group of little kids get unleashed from class out to recess? The pure joy is awe-inspiring. That’s what life should be like. It’s okay to have wonder, it doesn’t take away from one’s intelligence.
Is there a happiness mantra or motto that you’ve found very helpful? (e.g., I remind myself to “Be Gretchen.”)
I’m a huge Jack London fan and am especially partial to his Credo. I went down to the tattoo parlor with the goal of tattooing the whole thing somewhere on my person, but I chickened out and only got the last line on my wrist. It’s enough to remind me about what’s important and to stay in the present:
Here’s Jack London’s Credo:
I would rather be ashes than dust!
I would rather that my spark should burn out
in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom
of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet.
The function of man is to live, not to exist.
I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my time.
If you’re feeling blue, how do you give yourself a happiness boost? Or, like a “comfort food,” do you have a comfort activity? (mine is reading children’s books).
I have a tendency to be uncomfortable with moodiness—as if I’m wasting my time with being sad—which, by the way, I’m saying in the whiniest voice right now as I write this. I just keep calm and carry on, if you will. All the while hoping that the sadness will just go away. But, all those Jedi Mind Tricks do is—of course—tamp it down and make it come out in other ways. Sadness is like a linoleum bubble, you can push it around all you want, but it’s not going anywhere until you deal with it. So, when I’m feeling blue what helps me is to allow it. Be in it. Experience it and let it move through my body so I can digest it.
Happiness is such a pure place to be that what I’ve finally figured out is that so is sadness. And to deny one is to deny both.
Is there anything that you see people around you doing or saying that adds a lot to their happiness?
Happiness breeds happiness. When someone is inherently happy they allow themselves to be happy for others. They’re quick and genuine with a compliment, they laugh and say thank you. They root for people and are genuinely happy with others’ successes. They smile as people approach them and hug them as they leave. It’s just beautiful to be around.
Have you always felt about the same level of happiness, or have you been through a period when you felt exceptionally happy or unhappy – if so, why? If you were unhappy, how did you become happier?
My relationship with happiness has paralleled my relationship with my own authenticity. I had to know who I was before I could understand the idea of being happy. For as long I defined myself as what I wasn’t all of my choices were fear based. And fear and hope can’t co-exist.
This year has been the sweetest for me. Hands down. Of all things it started because of a cleanse. It sounds so ridiculous, but there it is. My sister came to me at the beginning of the year and suggested we all (me, my sister, my mom and a family friend) do the cleanse from Clean by Alejandro Junger. I’ve had body image issues since my teenage years and have battled with self-esteem and the usual demons that inhabit us when we think we’re worthless. I’d done work in therapy and my debut novel (Conversations with the Fat Girl) centered on those struggles, but even with all this I still had demons.
I started the cleanse and my body luxuriated in the food I was eating. I’d never felt so good and free and healthy and strong and…myself. I was back. I felt young again and unencumbered and it wasn’t about starving myself and punishing myself and taking away—it was about listening to my body and feeding myself and shock of all shocks…being kind to myself. I’ve kept up with the philosophies of the book, but only 85% of the time. Learning moderation is also something that has set me free. I’ve been a slave to perfection—and the expectation of 100%— for too long.
I was happy about my body for the first time in a long time. So happy, that I actually connected body and mind together. I had been so detached that finally being on a team with my body instead of against it was like going from black and white to color.
I’m experiencing a level of happiness I’d only dreamed about in the past. A happiness based on being whole again.
May 23, 2012
This Wednesday: 7 tips I use to spark my creativity.
I’ve read a lot of advice about how to spark creativity. Everyone’s creativity takes a different form, however, so the advice that works varies from person to person.
For example, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be efficient and productive. One of my struggles, therefore, is to allow myself to spend time on activities that don’t pay off in some direct way. Creativity often involves play, digression, exploration, experimentation, and failed attempts; it doesn’t always look productive.
As ludicrous as it may sound, I have to force myself to wander, and schedule time for goofing off.
Here are some creativity-boosting strategies that work for me:
1. Take notes. I have a compulsion to take notes as I read. I write down quotations and bits of information that catch my interest. In fact, all my book projects have really been ways to justify taking the notes that I most wanted to take.
I used to fight the urge to take notes that weren’t related to a specific project, but now I let myself go. I make strange lists, for no reason. I take notes without a purpose. I realize that sometimes, even many years later, I do find a purpose for those notes. All this note-taking is time-consuming, but in the end, highly satisfying. Along the same lines, I…
2. Follow my interests. I no longer try to curb my reading impulses; I don’t try to stop myself from reading everything ever written about St. Therese of Lisieux, or everything that Gary Taubes has ever written about nutrition, or lots of children’s literature. Instead of focusing on what I “ought” to be doing, I allow myself to wander—by buying an odd book, poking around the internet, or exploring an unusual place.
3. Buy supplies. As a confirmed under-buyer, I dislike making purchases, but in keeping with my resolution to “enjoy a modest splurge,” I encourage myself to make an occasional creativity-supporting purchase. A few months ago, I bought a beautiful set of magic markers and an oversized pad of drawing paper. For some reason, I just craved them. And indeed, when I got home, I sat down to a spell of…
4. Draw an idea-map. This is a process of writing down ideas in a way that helps you see new relationships and possibilities. I begin with a symbol or word in the center, and then map out my associations with that word—using single words and colored pens to keep the ideas vivid and clear. By mapping out my ideas, I get a new kind of insight into my own thoughts.
5. Enjoy the fun of failure. This catchphrase has made a huge difference to me. I’m very ambitious and want to succeed at everything I try, and that makes me very anxious—which isn’t a creative frame of mind. Telling myself that I can enjoy the “fun of failure” has made me (somewhat) more light-hearted about taking risks. As G. K. Chesterton wrote, “If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.”
6. Read random magazines. Every once in a while, I pick up several magazines that I would never ordinarily read. It’s surprisingly interesting and useful. And I love the feeling of possibility that I get whenever I browse in one of those stores that carries 500 different magazines.
7. Indulge my magpie impulses. I was fascinated to read that when Twyla Tharp has a new project, she starts a cardboard file box to collect all the materials that inspired her—everything from a toy to a CD to a photograph. The first thing she puts in is a slip of paper with a stated goal for the project—something like “keep it simple” or “something perfect” or “tell a story.” “Everything is raw material,” she says. “Everything is relevant. Everything is usable. Everything feeds into my creativity. But without proper preparation, I cannot see it, retain it, and use it.” When I have the urge to collect materials, articles, or information, I now indulge it. Although I generally fight against any stuff that could become clutter, as with note-taking, I find that these collected materials help spur my creativity.
One of the main outlets for my magpie impulses is this blog. Here I collect many of my favorite quotations, intriguing passages from books I’ve read, interesting images, stories I’ve heard from my friends, and questions that plague me. It’s very, very satisfying. I used to worry that writing every day on my blog would drain me of ideas, but in fact, the more I create, the more I want to create.
What strategies have you found to help spur creativity? What works for you?
May 22, 2012
Each week, I post a video about some Pigeon of Discontent raised by a reader. Because, as much as we try to find the Bluebird of Happiness, we’re also plagued by the Pigeons of Discontent.
This week’s Pigeon of Discontent, suggested by a reader, is: “I want to make time for fun.”
If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Have fun that’s actually fun–for you.
Quiz: How fun is your workplace? Your home?
5 myths about fighting the blues.
How about you? Have you found any strategies for making sure that you make time for fun, for leisure, for goofing off? It’s important, I think; otherwise we start to feel depleted and harassed.
You can post your own Pigeon of Discontent at any time; also, from time to time, I’ll make a special call for suggestions.
You can check out the archives of videos here.
May 21, 2012
Last week, I read Steve Martin’s memoir of his time learning and doing stand-up comedy, Born Standing Up: A Comic’s Life. I loved it.
It’s a terrific example of one of my favorite kinds of books: someone coming into his or her vocation. I love reading about why people become interested in particular subjects or skills, and how they master them.
Just in the last year, I’ve read several outstanding books of this type, such as E. O. Wilson’s Naturalist, Bob Dylan’s Chronicles: Volume One, Rosanne Cash’s Composed, Patti Smith’s Just Kids, and Eugene Delacroix’s Journal.
Do you have any suggestions? I just can’t get enough of this kind of thing. Perhaps surprisingly, it doesn’t matter if I’m interested in the underlying subject. I’m not much interested in music, for example, but I loved reading about the experiences of these musicians. And I’m definitely not much interested in ants.
Odd sidenote: you never know when you’re going to get an insight into yourself and your own experience. Steve Martin made a passing observation which very helpful to me. He writes:
“I never experienced the sensation [of knocking knees] again, but I wonder if I would have preferred it to the chilly pre-show anxiety that I sometimes felt later in my performing career. This mild but persistent adrenal rush beginning days before important performances kept the pounds off and, I swear, kept colds away.”
I’m no Steve Martin, of course, and I never feel the chill for days, but I’ve noticed a similar phenomenon in myself. I’m always, always cold, but about an hour before I give a talk that has me feeling nervous, I can actually feel my body temperature drop, in the space of a single minute. It’s as if someone has turned down my thermostat. I now bring a shawl with me, so I can wrap up beforehand. For some reason, it’s helpful to realize that other people experience this, as well.
Reading Steve Martin’s memoir reminded me of one of my favorite quotations, from G. K. Chesterton: “It is easy to be heavy: hard to be light.” Although Steve Martin’s comedy looks wild and crazy, it’s the product of a tremendous amount of serious thought, rehearsal, and experiment.
May 20, 2012
“To be happy at home is the ultimate result of all ambition, the end to which every enterprise and labour tends.”
– Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, No.68
This quotation is one of the two epigraphs for Happier at Home. Whether or not you agree with Johnson, it’s certainly worth thinking about.
Do you agree? I do.
May 18, 2012
When people tell me they’ve done their own happiness projects, I always ask, “What resolutions did you try? What worked for you?”
One answer comes up more than any other. I’m not saying that this is the most significant thing you could do to boost your happiness, but it does seem to be a thing that people actually do–and that boosts their happiness.
This most popular resolution? To make your bed.
Now, it’s true that some people thrive on a little chaos. They find a disorderly room to be comfy and casual. When one of my friends was growing up, her mother made such a big deal of keeping the house clean that now my friend has gone far in the opposite direction. Very far. Most people, however, even if they may find it tough to keep things tidy, prefer to live in orderly surroundings.
It’s a Secret of Adulthood: for most people, outer order contributes to inner calm.
If you love a calm environment, making the bed is one of the quickest, easiest steps to cultivate a sense of order. Also, I get a real feeling of accomplishment from having completed this small task. It’s nice to start the day feeling that I’ve crossed something – however minor – off my list. It starts me off feeling productive, disciplined, and efficient.
Especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed, picking one little task to improve your situation, and doing it regularly, can help you regain a sense of control. Making your bed is a good place to start. It might help you build momentum to keeping other, more significant resolutions.
If you want ideas for other ways to tackle clutter, here’s a list of tips.
I’m working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in–no need to catch up, just jump in right now. Each Friday’s post will help you think about your own happiness project.
