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When I Was Her Daughter: A Memoir
Seven-year-old Leslie has a serious problem. Someone is trying to kill her.
Leslie and her little brother must confront the stark reality of living with their mother’s raging psychosis. When her mother demands the impossible, Leslie attempts to control the chaos. Her obedience results in terrifying consequences, and her rebellion angers her mother, who writes rambling manifestos and forces her children to live on the run to evade the Russian spies she believes are after them. Her mother’s ultimate goal is to protect her children from capture even if it means she must kill them herself.
Eventually, the police remove Leslie and her brother from their mother’s custody. Freedom from violence and neglect offers the young girl a glimmer of hope, but alienating, oppressive foster homes cause her to plummet into despair. All seems lost . . . until a teacher intervenes and risks everything to bring Leslie to safety and show her the redemptive power of trust and patience, proving unconditional love is possible even without the bond of blood.
When I Was Her Daughter is a raw, honest account of one girl’s journey through madness, loss, and a broken child welfare system, where only the lucky and most resilient survive.
Leslie and her little brother must confront the stark reality of living with their mother’s raging psychosis. When her mother demands the impossible, Leslie attempts to control the chaos. Her obedience results in terrifying consequences, and her rebellion angers her mother, who writes rambling manifestos and forces her children to live on the run to evade the Russian spies she believes are after them. Her mother’s ultimate goal is to protect her children from capture even if it means she must kill them herself.
Eventually, the police remove Leslie and her brother from their mother’s custody. Freedom from violence and neglect offers the young girl a glimmer of hope, but alienating, oppressive foster homes cause her to plummet into despair. All seems lost . . . until a teacher intervenes and risks everything to bring Leslie to safety and show her the redemptive power of trust and patience, proving unconditional love is possible even without the bond of blood.
When I Was Her Daughter is a raw, honest account of one girl’s journey through madness, loss, and a broken child welfare system, where only the lucky and most resilient survive.
308 pages, Paperback
Published October 26, 2021
10 people are currently reading
1303 people want to read
About the author
Leslie Ferguson
1 book69 followersLeslie Ferguson is an accomplished educator, editor, and writing coach. As a youth in foster care, she dreamed about becoming a teacher. After earning her teaching credential from the University of Redlands, she taught high school English at her alma mater for nearly two decades. During that time, she obtained a master’s degree in English literature and an MFA in creative writing from Chapman University. Her work has been published in numerous literary magazines and anthologies. A board member of the International Memoir Writers Association and an active member of the San Diego Writers and Editors Guild, So Say We All, and Poets Underground, Leslie lives with one husband and two cats in the greater San Diego area, where she binge-watches dark character dramas and reminisces about her glory days as an All-American basketball player and collegiate Hall-of-Fame athlete. When I Was Her Daughter is her first book.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 78 reviews
December 14, 2021
Wow, this book blew me away. I have read this story completely enraptured and unable to put it down. I have longed to reach through the pages and hug her, as a mother of young daughters, my heart was weighed down with a heaviness as I read, yet by the end- overflowing. The author’s writing is incredibly moving and beautiful. Her story is quite shocking. 5 stars. Thanks to Netgalley for the opportunity to read an arc of this astounding memoir. I would recommended to anyone who was moved by American Daughter and North of Normal.
October 26, 2021
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
What a terrifying childhood the author and her brother had with their mother who suffered from psychosis. This book is well written and heartbreaking but also uplifting when she encounters people who really care. It's amazing how much she has overcome with such an unstable childhood and dealing with the foster care system that often doesn't work like one would hope.
I highly recommend this book as it is engaging and eye opening.
What a terrifying childhood the author and her brother had with their mother who suffered from psychosis. This book is well written and heartbreaking but also uplifting when she encounters people who really care. It's amazing how much she has overcome with such an unstable childhood and dealing with the foster care system that often doesn't work like one would hope.
I highly recommend this book as it is engaging and eye opening.
December 16, 2021
Leslie Ferguson’s achingly honest account of her childhood will break your heart and then put it back together again in this memoir of a childhood spent at the mercy of her mother’s mental illness and then in the foster care system. The writing is poignantly honest, and the story compelling. A worthy debut from a talented author.
November 5, 2021
When I Was Her Daughter is a powerful and compelling memoir. Ferguson's gifted storytelling transports the reader to her childhood, a time filled with confusion, imagination, grief, and hope. This is a story that will break your heart and put it back together again.
December 19, 2021
When I Was Her Daughter is a disturbing yet inspiring story describing the incredibly difficult childhood suffered as the daughter of a mentally ill mother and as a child in the foster care system. I wanted to reach right into the pages and save her from everything she was going through. Her intelligence, courage and strength as a child and into adulthood are remarkable. With a very honest account of the painful years she endured, Ms. Ferguson proves that even after serious trauma, there is always hope for healing. I encourage you all to read it!
June 18, 2022
A visceral account of the author’s childhood memories of living with her mother’s psychosis, and then her experiences in the foster care system. I lost track of how many times her mother tried to kill her.
The book was well written, with a clean, straightforward literary writing style. I was impressed with how much detail she was able to recall. Even if she was in fact filling in some details with a best guess, I couldn’t tell. The narration flowed chronologically as if she had somehow been able to record her memories on video to save for later. I know I’m repeating myself here, but still, I was amazed at how well she was able to recall her childhood memories and put them onto the page for someone else to experience vicariously. I was able to visualize everything beautifully:
“I open my eyes after drowning to see Jesus looking down at me. He holds me in his arms, carries me to my towel. Seawater drips like honey from his long brown hair and beard. The sun behind him creates a halo around his head.”
Oh my goodness, Leslie you poor kid you. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying that I’m happy for the author of her happy ending.
I look forward to seeing more prose works from Leslie Ferguson!
The book was well written, with a clean, straightforward literary writing style. I was impressed with how much detail she was able to recall. Even if she was in fact filling in some details with a best guess, I couldn’t tell. The narration flowed chronologically as if she had somehow been able to record her memories on video to save for later. I know I’m repeating myself here, but still, I was amazed at how well she was able to recall her childhood memories and put them onto the page for someone else to experience vicariously. I was able to visualize everything beautifully:
“I open my eyes after drowning to see Jesus looking down at me. He holds me in his arms, carries me to my towel. Seawater drips like honey from his long brown hair and beard. The sun behind him creates a halo around his head.”
Oh my goodness, Leslie you poor kid you. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything by saying that I’m happy for the author of her happy ending.
I look forward to seeing more prose works from Leslie Ferguson!
May 29, 2022
I struggled to read the first half of the book: the dire, depressing circumstances the author kept finding herself in and, disappointingly, entering foster care did not bring relief. However, a teacher takes an interest in her and everything changes. Anyone who works in the field of foster care or adoption should read this book and navigate the emotional landscape with this young girl in order to better understand the near impossible task of picking one's self up by one's shoelaces. I give the author ten stars for her accomplishments.
March 3, 2022
Leslie Ferguson's excellent memoir, When I Was Her Daughter, will break your heart, take you on an incredible journey, and in the end uplift your spirits as you cheer her on. Honest and beautifully crafted, this book will leave you crying and also applauding. I loved this book, and you will too. Leslie Ferguson's powerful memoir will touch your soul.
December 14, 2021
When I Was Her Daughter tells a powerful tale of trauma, survival and the redemptive power of love. I could not put Leslie Ferguson's riveting, vivid, excruciating and beautiful story down.
January 21, 2023
How many of you thought at some point in your childhood or youth that your mother or parent was mean, crazy or strict? I had thought the same thing until I read this book.
Leslie endured a childhood of such neglect, abuse and instability that it's no wonder she is a functioning adult today. Her only saving grace was the relationship she had with her brother and one very special couple.
I cried (her knowing she was loved unconditionally), laughed (s..t scene) and was totally engrossed by her writing style and child's point of view while telling her story.
What a wonderful story of overcoming some very difficult challenges.
Leslie endured a childhood of such neglect, abuse and instability that it's no wonder she is a functioning adult today. Her only saving grace was the relationship she had with her brother and one very special couple.
I cried (her knowing she was loved unconditionally), laughed (s..t scene) and was totally engrossed by her writing style and child's point of view while telling her story.
What a wonderful story of overcoming some very difficult challenges.
March 3, 2022
This book is a must read because the story is incredible. Leslie is a detail-oriented writer that uniquely helps the reader to visualize exactly how she is feeling and what she is seeing. Her story is one of survival and hope. Her will to survive, learn and trust will keep you on the edge of your seat wanting to know how she gets through the anguish of growing up with a mother with mental illness. If you've read Uneducated or The Glass Castle, you will feel the same type of devotion to Leslie knowing that she has survived to become an inspiration to so many.
July 19, 2023
What a story!
A few pages into ‘When I Was Her Daughter’ my heart leapt and beat. The author brought me right into the story, her writing so vivid I could smell and taste it. I loved the spunk of little Leslie, what a gorgeous girl. Coping with her severely mentally-ill mother and feeling responsible for the safety of her little brother, we see a seven-year-old who does everything she believes to be right. As adult readers we scream out "Help them, Please!"
Leslie Ferguson delivers a striking account of what’s going on inside a small child's mind while around her the world spins out of control.
I wanted to race through the hard parts, but the love from the mother, even when she put her children in life-threatening danger, was too compelling, instead I slowed down to let it all in, my heart breaking.
Scene after unforgettable scene trauma built. This is a harrowing read, told with knife-edge clarity.
I longed for the good parts I've learned to expect in well-written memoirs. I was pleasantly please with plot twists and surprises right to the end, and for all the trauma the author suffered this is a story of hope and love.
If I had a wish, it would be for this memoir to be required reading for every mental health, children and social worker. I recognise my inner child, incapable of speaking up for herself, in this.
Thank you Leslie for sharing your story.
A few pages into ‘When I Was Her Daughter’ my heart leapt and beat. The author brought me right into the story, her writing so vivid I could smell and taste it. I loved the spunk of little Leslie, what a gorgeous girl. Coping with her severely mentally-ill mother and feeling responsible for the safety of her little brother, we see a seven-year-old who does everything she believes to be right. As adult readers we scream out "Help them, Please!"
Leslie Ferguson delivers a striking account of what’s going on inside a small child's mind while around her the world spins out of control.
I wanted to race through the hard parts, but the love from the mother, even when she put her children in life-threatening danger, was too compelling, instead I slowed down to let it all in, my heart breaking.
Scene after unforgettable scene trauma built. This is a harrowing read, told with knife-edge clarity.
I longed for the good parts I've learned to expect in well-written memoirs. I was pleasantly please with plot twists and surprises right to the end, and for all the trauma the author suffered this is a story of hope and love.
If I had a wish, it would be for this memoir to be required reading for every mental health, children and social worker. I recognise my inner child, incapable of speaking up for herself, in this.
Thank you Leslie for sharing your story.
January 4, 2022
I absolutely loved this book! Couldn't put it down. Such a heart breaking start to life for the author but I'm grateful that her strength and resilience paved the way for her to be able to tell her story in such an emotional and eloquent way.
I ended up buying a few more copies for Christmas presents, my mom finished it in a day.
I ended up buying a few more copies for Christmas presents, my mom finished it in a day.
April 15, 2022
I simply devoured this book. Leslie captures the rawness of trauma and loss of childhood innocence through such poetic imagery. Bring a tissue and step into this achingly beautiful and healing journey
November 10, 2021
A book to be read and then placed next to memoirs like Educated, Glass House, and Angela’s Ashes, perhaps even Oliver Twist. Reading this will turn your heart inside out, and want to reach through the pages and rescue Ferguson and her brother. Every basic need is missing in their lives at some point in Southern California, from safety, love, housing, water, food, bathing, clothes, water. She is like a hostage in her own family, a hostage in the world of cruel adults, a hostage of broken systems, and after human needs are met with the Fergusons, a hostage of her traumas. Leslie’s unprecedented emotional and physical strength and gifted mind are at her core self. A self that’s impossible to recognize as a child and you wonder if she does even as a humble adult. As you journey with her through her 80’s set childhood, with polyester clothes and Kool-Aid she’ll never taste, her story sticks with you dreamlike in your regular life. And the gift to the reader is so does her strength.
January 3, 2022
What a powerful book! Leslie’s story was excellently written. Her story is so honest and heartbreaking with all she and her brother had been through. Her strength and courage to overcome her childhood is incredible. Leslie is truly an amazing human being.
January 9, 2022
I read this book in less than a week. I was captivated by the story and saddened by what Leslie and her brother endured. I am so grateful that her teacher recognized the chaos that Leslie was living. The end was uplifting and gives me hope for the adolescents I work with that ensure similar trauma. Very well written.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 8, 2021
Leslie Ferguson’s story is both heartbreaking and heart-warming. Her strength and perseverance amazed me, especially as a young child. There were many times that I wanted to reach through the pages and whisk Leslie and her brother off to safety. Her story highlights the problems within the foster care system. She is an incredible woman with an amazing story that I highly recommend.
December 20, 2021
I found Leslie Ferguson's words eloquent, with powerful expressions.
Ferguson's extraordinary tale is where the reader wants and needs to be.
A remarkable story of tragedy to triumph.
I highly recommend this book and this author.
Ferguson's extraordinary tale is where the reader wants and needs to be.
A remarkable story of tragedy to triumph.
I highly recommend this book and this author.
January 12, 2022
I finished When I was Your Daughter and have spent the past two days thinking. First, as someone who knew Leslie, how did I not see her hardship? The answer though is clear to me- I see it in my students all the time. Children of trauma create shields of protection and most of us never see through that shield. As a teacher, I hope I am like Mrs. Ferguson and see my students beyond the desk and classwork. Second, I have always seen myself as one day being a foster parent and after reading this book I know I must continue to look into this option. And as an English teacher I want to discuss two parts of the book as these moments of writing took my breath away. On page 149 "Warm winter and the dream of my independent, adult life swept me away from the reality of our bare cupboards... I clung to the hope that Mom would come out of her room like a clean and ready princess-- Snow White perhaps---shedding love and light on all creations... When she hated us she ignored us. When she adored us, she invited us into her room...she told us to catch her cigarette if she fell asleep because starting a fire would surely get us evicted." So much to unpack here - I would use this passage for two lessons one on character trauma and understanding and other on survival. Leslie's writing is captivating and written with grace and beauty in her word choice. The other passage I would teach is the metaphor of the boat painting. Leslie is scared of it in the beginning but once she finds safety at the Ferguson house on page 256 it changes from scary to hopeful. A wonderful use of literary elements. I just bought another copy to gift as a Christmas present, and I highly recommend this memoir. And finally, I end with saying, Leslie, your words are more than words, they are you life, but know they connected and were heard and I hope you find some peace by penning your memoir.
March 25, 2022
I went into this story quite blind and my, I was completely hooked from the get go. Considering this is a memoir, I feel very heartbroken for Leslie and her brother.
This memoir follows seven year-old Leslie and her younger brother who are struggling to live with their mother’s mental illness. Their mother is determined that someone is out to catch them and lock them up. There are all these little conspiracy theories playing out in her head which terrified Leslie. She wrote about her difficult childhood where they were abandoned by their own grandparents because they didn’t want to deal with her mother any longer. There is no doubt that their mother love them but having to deal with her own mentality took a toll on her and caused her to be a danger to her own children. They drift in and out of foster care not knowing what will happen to them.
Despite the story being heart wrenching and appalling at some point, I feel comforted when Leslie finally met someone who really cared for her and provided her with the love and stability she needed. It really only takes the kindness of one person to change your life. There were times where I just want to jump in the story and give Leslie a big warm hug to shield her from all the pain she was going through.
It is amazing how much Leslie has overcome and how much she has grown with such a turbulent childhood, being torn with loving her mother and leaving her so she can live again. She made tough choices and had to forgive herself for thinking she was selfish. Her determination and strength to live gave her the courage she needed to create a better life for herself.
I really enjoyed reading this very honest writing Leslie has shared with us. She didn’t shy away from the serious trauma she endured but she also showed us that there is always hope to heal. Thank you Netgalley and Acorn Publishing for the arc.
This memoir follows seven year-old Leslie and her younger brother who are struggling to live with their mother’s mental illness. Their mother is determined that someone is out to catch them and lock them up. There are all these little conspiracy theories playing out in her head which terrified Leslie. She wrote about her difficult childhood where they were abandoned by their own grandparents because they didn’t want to deal with her mother any longer. There is no doubt that their mother love them but having to deal with her own mentality took a toll on her and caused her to be a danger to her own children. They drift in and out of foster care not knowing what will happen to them.
Despite the story being heart wrenching and appalling at some point, I feel comforted when Leslie finally met someone who really cared for her and provided her with the love and stability she needed. It really only takes the kindness of one person to change your life. There were times where I just want to jump in the story and give Leslie a big warm hug to shield her from all the pain she was going through.
It is amazing how much Leslie has overcome and how much she has grown with such a turbulent childhood, being torn with loving her mother and leaving her so she can live again. She made tough choices and had to forgive herself for thinking she was selfish. Her determination and strength to live gave her the courage she needed to create a better life for herself.
I really enjoyed reading this very honest writing Leslie has shared with us. She didn’t shy away from the serious trauma she endured but she also showed us that there is always hope to heal. Thank you Netgalley and Acorn Publishing for the arc.
January 20, 2022
While a book that opens with the mother attempting to kill her daughter sounds like it would be an exciting and quick read I unfornately could not get into this book. The read ended up being slow and the author relied too much on using metaphors at every instance. I found the writing style distracting from the heart of the story, which should have been a scathing review of the foster system and family. While this book wasn't for me I'm certain others will find it enticing.
February 23, 2022
Memories are like monsters - monsters waiting to be seen, heard, and ultimately, freed. Leslie Ferguson’s memoir, When I Was Her Daughter, exemplifies this. She reaches into the depths of her devastating childhood and shines a light on the shadows that tried to kill her.
Yes, it is a tale of survival, but more than that, this book is a path to freedom. Not only for the author, but for all of us. Within these pages, we see the shackles of one woman's past, and how, with unconditional love, they dissolve and make way for the truth that we are much more than the sum of our worst moments.
Shocking, heartfelt, and filled with beautiful prose, this tragic tale is an arresting reflection of forgiveness, strength, and love.
Yes, it is a tale of survival, but more than that, this book is a path to freedom. Not only for the author, but for all of us. Within these pages, we see the shackles of one woman's past, and how, with unconditional love, they dissolve and make way for the truth that we are much more than the sum of our worst moments.
Shocking, heartfelt, and filled with beautiful prose, this tragic tale is an arresting reflection of forgiveness, strength, and love.
November 17, 2021
When I was her daughter
I loved this book…I laughed, I cried…. I was there with her every moment…..this book is a must read…. I couldn’t put this book down…..God bless you in your endeavors and continue to looking forward to the future❤️🎶
I loved this book…I laughed, I cried…. I was there with her every moment…..this book is a must read…. I couldn’t put this book down…..God bless you in your endeavors and continue to looking forward to the future❤️🎶
November 16, 2021
Excellent read!
This story took me on an emotional Rollercoaster. I was scared it would be so much worse in some ways and in others I am so sad this family went through so much. I'm so happy to see there was a happy ending and Leslie is doing well.
This story took me on an emotional Rollercoaster. I was scared it would be so much worse in some ways and in others I am so sad this family went through so much. I'm so happy to see there was a happy ending and Leslie is doing well.
March 4, 2022
When I Was Her Daughter is a poignant story of resilience and courage. Author Leslie Ferguson’s straight-forward storytelling style immerses the reader into the world and mind of her eight-year-old self. Beginning with the inciting incident, we witness the complex emotional and phycological turmoil of a child as she struggles to understand her mother’s confusing behavior as a result of mental illness. Leslie yearns for her mother’s love yet is faced with the need for self-preservation. Confused by the words and actions of adults who say her mother is not capable of parenting yet don’t keep Leslie safe from her mother’s erratic behaviors, Leslie ultimately must forge her own path to safety despite her young age.
So often, the lived experiences of children are hidden, unnoticed, or merely ignored, but in When I Was Her Daughter the reader is offered the rare glimpse into the complicated and problematic relationship between family preservation and child protection. I would highly recommend this book as a case study to anyone working in child protection or social services, therapists/counselors, and other professionals. For the average reader, this memoir contains experiences almost everyone can relate to at some level; whether you’ve ever ached for a parent’s love and attention, questioned your own perceptions, or searched for a path to forgiveness.
When I Was Her Daughter is a beautifully written story of hope.
So often, the lived experiences of children are hidden, unnoticed, or merely ignored, but in When I Was Her Daughter the reader is offered the rare glimpse into the complicated and problematic relationship between family preservation and child protection. I would highly recommend this book as a case study to anyone working in child protection or social services, therapists/counselors, and other professionals. For the average reader, this memoir contains experiences almost everyone can relate to at some level; whether you’ve ever ached for a parent’s love and attention, questioned your own perceptions, or searched for a path to forgiveness.
When I Was Her Daughter is a beautifully written story of hope.
May 24, 2022
When I Was Her Daughter is a moving and authentic account of the early life of a survivor of childhood trauma as a result of her biological father’s absence and her mother’s mental illness. Although it is not always easy to read because Ferguson’s life was incredibly difficult, I think it is a beautiful and important book written in a captivating, unique voice, and it is ultimately uplifting and hopeful.
Memoir, when done well, as When I Was Your Daughter is, helps us see the world through someone else’s eyes and it expands our capacity for empathy and understanding. This book reminds us that we may well not understand what is going on in someone else’s life, and perhaps we will be quicker to respond with kindness rather than judgement in our own lives. I highly recommend this book to teachers and counselors who might need a reminder that we often don’t know what is going on in our students’ homes, and we often undervalue our roles in our students lives. But this book is also for anyone who enjoys memoir—especially those who are interested in the foster care system, adoption, mental illness and its impact on families, or how the current “safety" systems often fail those they were designed to protect. And it’s for anyone who likes to be reminded of how the human spirit can survive and thrive even under the most difficult circumstances.
Memoir, when done well, as When I Was Your Daughter is, helps us see the world through someone else’s eyes and it expands our capacity for empathy and understanding. This book reminds us that we may well not understand what is going on in someone else’s life, and perhaps we will be quicker to respond with kindness rather than judgement in our own lives. I highly recommend this book to teachers and counselors who might need a reminder that we often don’t know what is going on in our students’ homes, and we often undervalue our roles in our students lives. But this book is also for anyone who enjoys memoir—especially those who are interested in the foster care system, adoption, mental illness and its impact on families, or how the current “safety" systems often fail those they were designed to protect. And it’s for anyone who likes to be reminded of how the human spirit can survive and thrive even under the most difficult circumstances.
September 12, 2022
This is a book I couldn't put the book down. Leslie Ferguson is a gifted storyteller who has written a compelling memoir that kept me on the edge of my seat. As I turned the pages, I worried about where she would eventually end up. I was kept spellbound as I read about the challenges she and her brother faced as their mentally ill mother spiraled down the rabbit hole of schizophrenia. I longed for someone to come and rescue Leslie and her brother, to help this girl as she was led through the challenges of the foster care system. This was one of the best memoirs I've read. I gave it five stars because it should be on everyone's reading list. If you enjoyed Educated, by Tara Westover, you have to read this book. A difficult, but untimately triumphant success story.
December 18, 2021
"My skull throbbed from the pressure, lack of oxygen, and the thought I'd done something wrong that caused Mom to hate me." What's it like to grow up with a mentally ill parent? Leslie Ferguson answers this question in her memoir, When I was Your Daughter. It's a fairly harrowing account of what should be viewed as attempted murder, neglect, kidnapping, and violence, that is downplayed by the victim writing through the lens of a child's naive love. It speaks to the long-term impacts of (even well-intentioned) abuse on the child's wellbeing: "I tried to be like them, those girls with smiles built into their lips and happiness streaming under their skin."
"I wondered if he knew Mom had been jailed for kidnapping us before. Records showed some of what had happened, but I doubted the judge knew the whole truth." This memoir highlights the inadequacy of court responses in determining what should happen in the best interest of the kids: "Getting our Mom back was like a present and a punishment at the same time." Leslie is rarely asked what she wants, and when that finally happens, it's in a traumatic situation with no support to help her untangle her feelings of love for her Mom and what relationships and living arrangements are actually in her own best interest going forward.
When I Was Your Daughter is also a scathing indictment on the foster system, where kids are placed with families that treat them as servants or as lower tier members than their "real" children. When there's a choice between being a perpetual outsider or being with a mentally ill mother, that child really has no acceptable choice at all. It's no wonder the book ends with the author revisiting this trail of destruction that made up her childhood with "a strange sense of saudade, a feeling of sorrow and nostalgia for what has been lost". Those opportunities to be a kid who is carefree and happy will never come again in her lifetime: "I'm a damaged tourist carrying around this longing to exist inside my past." We need to do better for kids with mentally ill parents than this.
With thanks to NetGalley and Acorn publishing for sending me a copy to read.
"I wondered if he knew Mom had been jailed for kidnapping us before. Records showed some of what had happened, but I doubted the judge knew the whole truth." This memoir highlights the inadequacy of court responses in determining what should happen in the best interest of the kids: "Getting our Mom back was like a present and a punishment at the same time." Leslie is rarely asked what she wants, and when that finally happens, it's in a traumatic situation with no support to help her untangle her feelings of love for her Mom and what relationships and living arrangements are actually in her own best interest going forward.
When I Was Your Daughter is also a scathing indictment on the foster system, where kids are placed with families that treat them as servants or as lower tier members than their "real" children. When there's a choice between being a perpetual outsider or being with a mentally ill mother, that child really has no acceptable choice at all. It's no wonder the book ends with the author revisiting this trail of destruction that made up her childhood with "a strange sense of saudade, a feeling of sorrow and nostalgia for what has been lost". Those opportunities to be a kid who is carefree and happy will never come again in her lifetime: "I'm a damaged tourist carrying around this longing to exist inside my past." We need to do better for kids with mentally ill parents than this.
With thanks to NetGalley and Acorn publishing for sending me a copy to read.
January 14, 2024
I appreciated this amazing story for so many reasons. It’s one person’s journey to revisit and understand her own childhood with the insight of adult experience. It’s a heartbreaking account of the impossible decisions some children are forced to make in overwhelming circumstances. And it’s a complex portrait of the complicated power of abusive relationships.
Leslie Ferguson shows us the extraordinary strength and insight of a child assessing her place in a world. We learn through her young eyes the symptoms and consequences of her mother’s schizophrenic paranoid response to the world, and her own internal struggles to distance herself and her emotions from the mother she wants and loves. She writes “I wanted to avoid her and love her at the same time, but nothing I wanted was possible.” (67) Her amazing writing gives us insight into the contradictory dynamics of abusive relationships—loving and hating your abuser in the same moment. I would guess that Ferguson is writing mostly for herself here, recalling her history and working out for herself the trauma she endured as a girl at the hands of her mother. She is a compassionate writer, both to her mother and her brother William, as well as to herself.
The first few chapters are rough, so rough that I had to put the book down several times to take a break. Yet Ferguson is one of the luckiest ones who ends up in a stable adoptive home. But her writing gives us terrifying insight to the broader experiences of foster childen nationwide—and why they are so much more likely to experience abuse, homelessness, drug/alcohol addiction, sex trafficking or any combination thereof.
There’s an untold story here too of the dedicated and perceptive teacher who patiently elicits the trust of a hungry foster child in her class. But that’s the story more commonly told, the hero/savior. This is the more rare story of the survivor, the resilient child who persists to share her experience with the world.
Leslie Ferguson shows us the extraordinary strength and insight of a child assessing her place in a world. We learn through her young eyes the symptoms and consequences of her mother’s schizophrenic paranoid response to the world, and her own internal struggles to distance herself and her emotions from the mother she wants and loves. She writes “I wanted to avoid her and love her at the same time, but nothing I wanted was possible.” (67) Her amazing writing gives us insight into the contradictory dynamics of abusive relationships—loving and hating your abuser in the same moment. I would guess that Ferguson is writing mostly for herself here, recalling her history and working out for herself the trauma she endured as a girl at the hands of her mother. She is a compassionate writer, both to her mother and her brother William, as well as to herself.
The first few chapters are rough, so rough that I had to put the book down several times to take a break. Yet Ferguson is one of the luckiest ones who ends up in a stable adoptive home. But her writing gives us terrifying insight to the broader experiences of foster childen nationwide—and why they are so much more likely to experience abuse, homelessness, drug/alcohol addiction, sex trafficking or any combination thereof.
There’s an untold story here too of the dedicated and perceptive teacher who patiently elicits the trust of a hungry foster child in her class. But that’s the story more commonly told, the hero/savior. This is the more rare story of the survivor, the resilient child who persists to share her experience with the world.
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