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Found in Transition: A Mother’s Evolution During Her Child’s Gender Change
On Thanksgiving morning, Paria Hassouri finds herself furiously praying and negotiating with the universe as she irons a dress her fourteen-year-old, designated male at birth, has secretly purchased and wants to wear to dinner with the extended family. In this wonderfully frank, loving, and practical account of parenting a transgender teen, Paria chronicles what amounts to a dual as her child transitions from male to female, she navigates through anger, denial, and grief to eventually arrive at acceptance. Despite her experience advising other parents in her work as a pediatrician, she was blindsided by her child’s gender identity. Paria is also forced to examine how she still carries insecurities from her past of growing up as an Iranian-American immigrant in a predominantly white neighborhood, and how her life experience is causing her to parent with fear instead of love. Paria discovers her capacity to evolve, as well as what it really means to parent and the deepest nature of unconditional love.
This page-turning memoir relates a tender story of loving and parenting a teenager coming out as transgender and transitioning. It explores identity, self-discovery in adolescence and midlife, and difference in a world that values conformity. At its heart, Found in Transition is a universally inspiring portrait of what it means to be a family.
This page-turning memoir relates a tender story of loving and parenting a teenager coming out as transgender and transitioning. It explores identity, self-discovery in adolescence and midlife, and difference in a world that values conformity. At its heart, Found in Transition is a universally inspiring portrait of what it means to be a family.
232 pages, Hardcover
First published September 8, 2020
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September 4, 2020
I was eager to read "Found In Transition" and once I started it, I could not put it down. Paria Hassouri is a gifted writer, and was courageous in sharing her deepest feelings about an incredibly tumultuous and painful period in her life. She exposed her reactions, positive and negative, to her daughter Ava’s coming out as transgender with incredible honesty. Over the course of the book we follow Ava’s transition, and the impact this had on Paria, her husband, and all family members, including aunts, uncles and grandparents. Paria delved into her numerous roles as a woman, daughter, wife, mother, professional, immigrant, and teenager, and how her notions of these roles evolved as she dealt with her feelings about Ava’s transition. Paria revealed how worried she was about whether her daughter would be accepted by society, what her child’s future would look like, and if she would find love. These are universal concerns of parents of transgender children of any age.
Over the course of the book Paria describes her deepening appreciation for her daughter’s courage, and how it was necessary for Ava’s well-being and life to express her authentic self. We learn that while there were incredible challenges along the way, the destination was and is amazing and beautifully life-altering. Through the book the reader sees how Paria is also transformed in the process of her daughter’s transition, and once she works through her grief and confusion, we see her tremendous admiration, pride, and joy in her daughter. In the end hope wins out with the love of family, friends, professionals, and other “transformed” families.
A key concern for the author was the mistaken view that only children who come out pre-puberty are transgender. This caused Paria to question Ava’s transition and increased her worry as a parent. With the help of support groups, caring and brilliant professionals in the field, and her own research, Paria came to understand the complexity and variety in transgender expression in individuals. Ava’s transition has also contributed to Paria’s tremendous growth as a pediatrician/medical professional.
As the parent of a transgender daughter, I was deeply moved by this powerful story. I know this book will be a source of solace, information and hope for other parents who discover their child is transgender or gender-nonconforming. Thank you Dr. Hassouri.
Over the course of the book Paria describes her deepening appreciation for her daughter’s courage, and how it was necessary for Ava’s well-being and life to express her authentic self. We learn that while there were incredible challenges along the way, the destination was and is amazing and beautifully life-altering. Through the book the reader sees how Paria is also transformed in the process of her daughter’s transition, and once she works through her grief and confusion, we see her tremendous admiration, pride, and joy in her daughter. In the end hope wins out with the love of family, friends, professionals, and other “transformed” families.
A key concern for the author was the mistaken view that only children who come out pre-puberty are transgender. This caused Paria to question Ava’s transition and increased her worry as a parent. With the help of support groups, caring and brilliant professionals in the field, and her own research, Paria came to understand the complexity and variety in transgender expression in individuals. Ava’s transition has also contributed to Paria’s tremendous growth as a pediatrician/medical professional.
As the parent of a transgender daughter, I was deeply moved by this powerful story. I know this book will be a source of solace, information and hope for other parents who discover their child is transgender or gender-nonconforming. Thank you Dr. Hassouri.
January 15, 2021
Oh my goodness. I’m giving this five stars because I opened it up promptly upon arrival and couldn’t put it down. Because it’s truthful and intimate and resonated with me deeply. Not because I have a trans child but because I know all anyone wants is to be seen, heard, and truly themselves- and that is what Paria (who I knew growing up in Pittsburgh) writes about in this memoir. Poignant and important, it explores motherhood and what we do for our children to keep them safe and happy, always in a blanket of love. We operate with what we hope is best at any given moment with the information we have. And, we all have to be bigger advocates for others. Who knows what people are experiencing? Always choose to operate out of love, not fear. I cried and cried. It takes such bravery and boldness to unapologetically be ourselves and if we teach that to our children, we have done our jobs.
October 9, 2020
A very fascinating, compassionate, heartwarming story. Being that I have never come across a trans person, I found this book to be so very informative, not really realizing the struggles a family and a trans person has to go through. I am a better person now for reading this. Look forward to hearing how the journey continues with Ava.
September 6, 2020
This is a beautiful, honest story of mother who learns that her child is transgender. I cried several times at the love demonstrated in the book. As a parent, I identified with Hassouri's story of a mother whose child's development has taken an unexpected and challenging turn. She describes her struggles with grief over lost/changed identities and expectations, while rising to the occasion with spectacular maternal badassery, parenting the child she has in front of her. The language is clean and crisp, and the story moves briskly - I read it in two days. Hassouri and her husband are inspirational models of unconditional love for their children, but their daughter Ava is absolutely luminous with courage and conviction. This is not a book just for LGBTQ families and allies - it is a book for all parents, for clinicians, for teachers, for people who live life with people.
May 20, 2021
I'm the parent of a late-onset gender dysphoric child who is socially and medically transitioning, also one year into the process of understanding. I'm also a medical doctor like the author. I have deep respect for both the process she journaled and her attempt to understand during this process. However, I see familiar and concerning aspects to this book that I would like others to understand. My intent in writing this criticism is NOT to disrespect or belittle anyone in the space of understanding or transitioning gender. I realize that any criticism of the topic is fiercely met by advocates. But there is a lack of good medicine being practiced about this issue and I would ask that anyone reading please try to refrain from the typical judgements, name calling and labeling of someone who deeply and personally is affected by it.
First, we just don't have data to support what is being advised by the health care practitioners in this discipline. We have anecdotal and experiential experts. One clear issue here is that decades of work in this field do not prepare anyone for what is currently going on. A 4000% increase in patients seeking care for presumed gender incongruence deserves the respect from those practitioners to distance prior experience and assumptions. The 3 categories listed in this book were previously better understood 1. young age 2. peripubescent 3. early adolescent (age of presentation being the differentiator). However, we now see a flip in the ratio of assigned gender seeking care, in addition to the spike in prevalence and percentage transitioning late. WHY it has occurred surely deserves special attention, but just as important is to recognize we cannot presume to know how to treat it because by definition it is different.
We have a significant absence of high-quality data. When consensus about care is discussed, not only is the data important but the quality of that data. Consensus positions include a grade of quality to associate a strength of recommendation. We have low quality and low strength in the specific subset of patients seeking gender care who are the largest cohort.
Affirmation makes intuitive sense, as does the need for space for intellectual and identity development. We know this. But we also now realize a number of things. There is emerging data that transition does not statistically improve mental health or suicide rates nearly like we thought in this cohort. We see better that comorbid conditions abound, such as rates of autism traits up to 50%. We see better the psychosocial overlay relating to underlying conditions that are not gender dysphoria. Those hoping that transition will fix their overall mental health are disserviced when extensive affirmation and medical/surgical care fail them. We see differences in those AFAB and AMAB in their possible motivations such as hypersexualization, misogyny and abuse in AFAB and autogyneophilia in AMAB. Each responds differently to transition. And, each has some differentiating acute and chronic side effects from the processes attempted to eventually pass. We see a growing population of detrans/desist, and though you hear advocates often casually point to this as anti-trans sentiment...those who share their stories are real and their explanations just as valid as any. A recent survey in this regard, just out last month, is important and needed. Many who detransitioned were shunned from the very LGBTQ+ communities that supported them initially. Why? We cannot understand if we don't spend the same time and energy, and give the same open mind and support as we have in understanding gender incongruence itself.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/...
We hear that the rate of regret/desist/detransition is low overall but it is entirely unknown for this massively large cohort of late-onset individuals because the phenomenon is recent and unstudied.
We hear that what little research exists is poor, and even the author seems unaware that the Littman study about "rapid onset" has been republished with corrections that indeed validate the parental surveys in many ways while explaining what the surveys cannot tell us. That doesn't mean the study holds no value, it deserves the scrutiny any pediatric journal club would provide. The author here is exceedingly dismissive, and I believe this leads others to assume she is correct.
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/art...
Countries with experience in large patient populations seeking gender care are rethinking the use of blockers and hormones in the youngest patients. The UK advises the use in children is inappropriate as of 12/20 due to a landmark case. Finland, Sweden are in agreement of late. The issue isn't about not wanting to help the patient, but because in the art of medicine we take an oath to do no harm. The long-term effects of these treatments are not, in fact, zero. Again, I'm not here to present a long argument for or against these treatments. We are simply stating that medicine does not yet know who, what, when, why and how. This is solvable, but to advise risk:benefit without the basis to do so is not appropriate. The surgical data is worse.
There are many opinions about the people involved in discussing the science. I'm not taking sides, but I am concerned by those that do WITHOUT the science. https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/...
As parents of a daughter, we are taking about the same path as the author. The difference is that we are all reading, discussing and interacting with current experts but ALSO those who have experiences that ARE NOT being discussed by said experts. Our daughter is questioning just how realistic it is to think that hormone therapy and procedures and appearances can change so that they might pass. She is thinking about infertility. About loss of libido at such a crucial developmental time in life entering college. About why she feels this way about appearance and is it congruent with her feelings about gender in her brain. About if there were a Kinsey scale for gender and when you cross zero. She is reading the experiences of those who have and have not felt that social or medical or surgical transition was the right path for them. She is concerned about losing her newly found LGBTQ+ friends if she decides to detransition, and if so what that anxiety means. We have lost a sister in our family to an eating disorder. We are all concerned about how gender and body dysmorphia overlap, they certainly do genetically. She is concerned about presuming her body appearance is the issue and why women who don't have feminine bodies are content. She is exploring why in a world that is attempting to normalize all appearances and roles of women in society, she is trying to change her appearance to look like the stereotypical version. You may not find discussions like this important, but we do. And we see them here, expressed by real people with real and emotional impacts on their lives just as much as those who were not able to transition in the past. https://www.reddit.com/r/detrans/top/...
As parents, all we can do is love and support and affirm. But our medical institutions and those advocates and providers around them are doing all of us a disservice by labeling the critiques I have just shared as harmful to what is important to trans individuals and families. It is not. It is HELPFUL to be honest, to check all bias, to love unconditionally and to embrace science and data when advising anyone for anything.
If you made it this far and haven't called all of us dirty nasty things, I commend you.
First, we just don't have data to support what is being advised by the health care practitioners in this discipline. We have anecdotal and experiential experts. One clear issue here is that decades of work in this field do not prepare anyone for what is currently going on. A 4000% increase in patients seeking care for presumed gender incongruence deserves the respect from those practitioners to distance prior experience and assumptions. The 3 categories listed in this book were previously better understood 1. young age 2. peripubescent 3. early adolescent (age of presentation being the differentiator). However, we now see a flip in the ratio of assigned gender seeking care, in addition to the spike in prevalence and percentage transitioning late. WHY it has occurred surely deserves special attention, but just as important is to recognize we cannot presume to know how to treat it because by definition it is different.
We have a significant absence of high-quality data. When consensus about care is discussed, not only is the data important but the quality of that data. Consensus positions include a grade of quality to associate a strength of recommendation. We have low quality and low strength in the specific subset of patients seeking gender care who are the largest cohort.
Affirmation makes intuitive sense, as does the need for space for intellectual and identity development. We know this. But we also now realize a number of things. There is emerging data that transition does not statistically improve mental health or suicide rates nearly like we thought in this cohort. We see better that comorbid conditions abound, such as rates of autism traits up to 50%. We see better the psychosocial overlay relating to underlying conditions that are not gender dysphoria. Those hoping that transition will fix their overall mental health are disserviced when extensive affirmation and medical/surgical care fail them. We see differences in those AFAB and AMAB in their possible motivations such as hypersexualization, misogyny and abuse in AFAB and autogyneophilia in AMAB. Each responds differently to transition. And, each has some differentiating acute and chronic side effects from the processes attempted to eventually pass. We see a growing population of detrans/desist, and though you hear advocates often casually point to this as anti-trans sentiment...those who share their stories are real and their explanations just as valid as any. A recent survey in this regard, just out last month, is important and needed. Many who detransitioned were shunned from the very LGBTQ+ communities that supported them initially. Why? We cannot understand if we don't spend the same time and energy, and give the same open mind and support as we have in understanding gender incongruence itself.
https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/...
We hear that the rate of regret/desist/detransition is low overall but it is entirely unknown for this massively large cohort of late-onset individuals because the phenomenon is recent and unstudied.
We hear that what little research exists is poor, and even the author seems unaware that the Littman study about "rapid onset" has been republished with corrections that indeed validate the parental surveys in many ways while explaining what the surveys cannot tell us. That doesn't mean the study holds no value, it deserves the scrutiny any pediatric journal club would provide. The author here is exceedingly dismissive, and I believe this leads others to assume she is correct.
https://journals.plos.org/plosone/art...
Countries with experience in large patient populations seeking gender care are rethinking the use of blockers and hormones in the youngest patients. The UK advises the use in children is inappropriate as of 12/20 due to a landmark case. Finland, Sweden are in agreement of late. The issue isn't about not wanting to help the patient, but because in the art of medicine we take an oath to do no harm. The long-term effects of these treatments are not, in fact, zero. Again, I'm not here to present a long argument for or against these treatments. We are simply stating that medicine does not yet know who, what, when, why and how. This is solvable, but to advise risk:benefit without the basis to do so is not appropriate. The surgical data is worse.
There are many opinions about the people involved in discussing the science. I'm not taking sides, but I am concerned by those that do WITHOUT the science. https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/...
As parents of a daughter, we are taking about the same path as the author. The difference is that we are all reading, discussing and interacting with current experts but ALSO those who have experiences that ARE NOT being discussed by said experts. Our daughter is questioning just how realistic it is to think that hormone therapy and procedures and appearances can change so that they might pass. She is thinking about infertility. About loss of libido at such a crucial developmental time in life entering college. About why she feels this way about appearance and is it congruent with her feelings about gender in her brain. About if there were a Kinsey scale for gender and when you cross zero. She is reading the experiences of those who have and have not felt that social or medical or surgical transition was the right path for them. She is concerned about losing her newly found LGBTQ+ friends if she decides to detransition, and if so what that anxiety means. We have lost a sister in our family to an eating disorder. We are all concerned about how gender and body dysmorphia overlap, they certainly do genetically. She is concerned about presuming her body appearance is the issue and why women who don't have feminine bodies are content. She is exploring why in a world that is attempting to normalize all appearances and roles of women in society, she is trying to change her appearance to look like the stereotypical version. You may not find discussions like this important, but we do. And we see them here, expressed by real people with real and emotional impacts on their lives just as much as those who were not able to transition in the past. https://www.reddit.com/r/detrans/top/...
As parents, all we can do is love and support and affirm. But our medical institutions and those advocates and providers around them are doing all of us a disservice by labeling the critiques I have just shared as harmful to what is important to trans individuals and families. It is not. It is HELPFUL to be honest, to check all bias, to love unconditionally and to embrace science and data when advising anyone for anything.
If you made it this far and haven't called all of us dirty nasty things, I commend you.
October 23, 2021
Every health and mental health provider, educator, and parent should read this beautiful, heartfelt, sometimes painful, and truly transformative memoir.
June 27, 2021
This book is the real deal, down and dirty, no holds barred look inside the mixed emotions of a mother learning of and eventually embracing her daughter’s transition. Dr. Paria Hassouri is a pediatrician in Los Angeles. Along with her husband, she has three children. Her middle child seemed different somehow. Signs of depression and attention getting behavior appeared at a young age and continued. Paria refreshingly revealed how taxing this was. She loved her child, yet so much energy was required. When her child who was born with male parts was fourteen, a school counselor called explaining that their child felt they were a girl, not a boy. This book details the emotional stages Paria went through. She bares her tears, anger, denial, grief, worry. I had the remarkable opportunity to participate in a small group zoom call with the author. She was so authentic and gracious. Ava, her daughter, continues to grow and thrive.
September 10, 2020
The most striking thing about this eloquently written story is the brutal honesty of Paria. I'm so grateful she pulls no punches as she writes with gut wrenching honesty of her regrets as a parent as her daughter struggled in transition. Every parent has regrets but how many of us can share them with the world? I'm positive so many families and children will be helped by this amazing story of frustration and confusion and struggle and, ultimately, acceptance and love. Thank you to Paria and Ava and the entire Hassouri family for shining this big, bright, gorgeous light on what it means to be trans in America.
February 15, 2021
Dr. Hassouri bares her soul in this memoir exploring her child’s gender transition. In its entirety, it is a book about her own journey as well as how having a transgender child affects the whole family.
It was interesting to hear another mom’s perspective on how she processed her own thoughts and feelings regarding her child’s gender transition. There were many similarities and a few differences between our transgender children.
Both our kids were ‘late bloomers’ in the sense that they didn’t share their possible transgender identity with us until mid-puberty. Dr. Hassouri shares how in the beginning this fact led her to believe her child was not actually transgender. So much of the information available to her pointed to transgender children coming out at much earlier ages.
She felt blindsided and struggled when her daughter, Ava, first began socially transitioning as did I with my own child.
As parents, we don’t want our children’s lives to be filled with such horrible things as discrimination, brutality, marginalization, and unacceptance. The stigma attached to being transgender causes worry and fear to overrun our minds concerning our kids’ welfare and happiness.
This book explores how Dr. Hassouri came to terms with her own fears and concerns as well as how she navigated becoming an advocate for her daughter.
She reminds us how we can work through the difficulties of understanding ideas that are foreign to us.
She shares bits of her daughter’s sexuality and how she allowed that to dictate in her own mind her child’s gender. The idea of sexuality, gender, and gender expression all existing on a spectrum is not the easiest thing to fully understand. It was a comfort to know that a pediatrician such as Dr. Hassouri struggled with the same things as I have.
When Dr. Hassouri shares her interaction with other parents and families with transgender kids in group meetings, I found myself underlining and highlighting many passages. There’s something therapeutic about hearing another parent express exactly what you’ve experienced, thought, or felt inside your own heart.
Repeatedly throughout this book, Dr. Hassouri surprises me with observations and revelations similar to my own journey. It’s amazing the things our kids can teach us — about themselves as well as the world.
As a teenager struggling with their own identity, Ava continually shares the mature and insightful view she has with her mother. Her words and actions have a powerful impact on her mom.
Ava is someone we should all try to emulate.
Having a transgender child changes how you look at the world and others. It makes you more empathetic and humble. Trans youth have a perspective and insight more people should try to imitate.
The struggle to admit there are things we might not know or understand about our own children is not easy for many parents. But it’s important to not only ask for help when we need it but heed the advice we receive from the experts we employ.
Dr. Hassouri’s apprehension to starting Ava on hormone therapy, changing her legal name, and making so many ‘permanent’ decisions regarding her daughter’s life was very relatable. It’s so easy to worry about making the wrong choice for our kids and it seems having a transgender child involves a lot of extra decisions that many of us are not prepared for.
I really enjoyed Found in Transition. Dr. Hassouri’s unique view and apparent kind heart make this a must-read for anyone trying to better understand their transgender youth, but specifically, parents who may be struggling to help and support their trans children.
https://medium.com/lgbtqueer-ies/foun...
It was interesting to hear another mom’s perspective on how she processed her own thoughts and feelings regarding her child’s gender transition. There were many similarities and a few differences between our transgender children.
Both our kids were ‘late bloomers’ in the sense that they didn’t share their possible transgender identity with us until mid-puberty. Dr. Hassouri shares how in the beginning this fact led her to believe her child was not actually transgender. So much of the information available to her pointed to transgender children coming out at much earlier ages.
She felt blindsided and struggled when her daughter, Ava, first began socially transitioning as did I with my own child.
Please don’t let them see a trans girl before they see the brilliance of his mind or the size of his heart. — Prologue
As parents, we don’t want our children’s lives to be filled with such horrible things as discrimination, brutality, marginalization, and unacceptance. The stigma attached to being transgender causes worry and fear to overrun our minds concerning our kids’ welfare and happiness.
This book explores how Dr. Hassouri came to terms with her own fears and concerns as well as how she navigated becoming an advocate for her daughter.
[E]very time I was holding back on taking any next step with Ava, it was out of fear and not of love. The loving choice would be to look at my child and see what they needed now and go with that. — page 118
She reminds us how we can work through the difficulties of understanding ideas that are foreign to us.
She shares bits of her daughter’s sexuality and how she allowed that to dictate in her own mind her child’s gender. The idea of sexuality, gender, and gender expression all existing on a spectrum is not the easiest thing to fully understand. It was a comfort to know that a pediatrician such as Dr. Hassouri struggled with the same things as I have.
When Dr. Hassouri shares her interaction with other parents and families with transgender kids in group meetings, I found myself underlining and highlighting many passages. There’s something therapeutic about hearing another parent express exactly what you’ve experienced, thought, or felt inside your own heart.
I realized there was nothing more Ava could have done to convince me. I had to hear other mothers tell their stories. — page 112
Repeatedly throughout this book, Dr. Hassouri surprises me with observations and revelations similar to my own journey. It’s amazing the things our kids can teach us — about themselves as well as the world.
Saying I’m nonbinary, it’s not who I am. I am a girl. To say I’m nonbinary is an omission of who I really am, and an omission is a lie. — Ava, page 74
As a teenager struggling with their own identity, Ava continually shares the mature and insightful view she has with her mother. Her words and actions have a powerful impact on her mom.
[T]his kid who just saw people as people…I again found myself proud that this person I had raised was aware of the importance of being herself, of living her truth…[O]omitting or denying an aspect of someone’s gender identity is a lie and not a true acknowledgment of all that they are. — pages 75–76
Ava is someone we should all try to emulate.
Having a transgender child changes how you look at the world and others. It makes you more empathetic and humble. Trans youth have a perspective and insight more people should try to imitate.
The struggle to admit there are things we might not know or understand about our own children is not easy for many parents. But it’s important to not only ask for help when we need it but heed the advice we receive from the experts we employ.
It’s hard as a mother to in a way give over your child to someone and have them tell you about your child, but it’s time to accept that and get over these expectations of what as a mother I should know. — page 120
Dr. Hassouri’s apprehension to starting Ava on hormone therapy, changing her legal name, and making so many ‘permanent’ decisions regarding her daughter’s life was very relatable. It’s so easy to worry about making the wrong choice for our kids and it seems having a transgender child involves a lot of extra decisions that many of us are not prepared for.
I really enjoyed Found in Transition. Dr. Hassouri’s unique view and apparent kind heart make this a must-read for anyone trying to better understand their transgender youth, but specifically, parents who may be struggling to help and support their trans children.
https://medium.com/lgbtqueer-ies/foun...
September 8, 2020
If you follow Paria on social media you may have thought the journey of her daughter's coming out as transgender and the subsequent path to transitioning was easy for the family. Publicly, Paria handled it so gracefully. In her book we get a peek at the inside--the confusing initial thoughts, the gut reactions, the coming to terms with a change she never anticipated. She lays bare her love for her child alongside her initial denial.
So often the discussion around transgender people and transitioning is only heard once someone is comfortable putting it into the public sphere, but Paria gives us the gift of peering inside the mind of a mother shocked and resistant but doing her best. Her love for her child never wavered though, and over time that love is what rose to the surface, transforming grief and doubt into acceptance and support.
Regardless of whether you or someone you love is transgender, this story is one worth reading.
So often the discussion around transgender people and transitioning is only heard once someone is comfortable putting it into the public sphere, but Paria gives us the gift of peering inside the mind of a mother shocked and resistant but doing her best. Her love for her child never wavered though, and over time that love is what rose to the surface, transforming grief and doubt into acceptance and support.
Regardless of whether you or someone you love is transgender, this story is one worth reading.
June 23, 2022
Three stars for so much dead-naming and mis-gendering. I get this is a parental memoir, but it does not take the reader much effort to follow along with their child’s new name and correct pronouns even when referencing the past.
I wouldn’t recommend this book as a support to any parent with a child who is transitioning. For half the book, she was not fully supportive of her child. All her personal fears and thoughts were shared, for better or for worse. Again, this is a memoir, not a guide.
I wouldn’t recommend this book as a support to any parent with a child who is transitioning. For half the book, she was not fully supportive of her child. All her personal fears and thoughts were shared, for better or for worse. Again, this is a memoir, not a guide.
April 13, 2021
I don't even know where to begin with this book. I guess my deepest sentiment after reading it is that no parent of a transgender child should ever use this book to guide their view on how to support their child through coming out and transition. This seems harsh, but in the face of a book this exploitative, I don't really know how else to word it.
The author claims that she is now evolved and has learned so much about the trans community but still chose to dead name her daughter and refer to her with male pronouns throughout the entire book even though she addresses in the prologue that it is something she knows to be inappropriate and she doesn't do in her day to day life. Now I understand some may argue her daughter consented to this and I would counter by following the chronology of the book her daughter was only barely 17 (depending on where her birthday falls) when this was published so that consent is invalid, she was a child.
I will never be able to understand the desire to immortalize all of the worst thoughts you have ever had about your child and about the trans community at large, and I sincerely hope that the author understands that although she says that she has changed, she still wrote what she wrote.
Writing a book about intimate details of your child's life is always tricky and questions of consent are always present, and I worry deeply that one day her daughter may feel differently about this quantity of deeply personal information being out in the world.
This book is not a guide on how to support your child through transition, and I don't believe it is helpful for close-minded parents. It contains many outdated stereotypes and validates those thoughts in others by seeing them in print. This book is damaging to the very cause the author is trying to further, and it breaks my heart that she does not recognize that.
The author claims that she is now evolved and has learned so much about the trans community but still chose to dead name her daughter and refer to her with male pronouns throughout the entire book even though she addresses in the prologue that it is something she knows to be inappropriate and she doesn't do in her day to day life. Now I understand some may argue her daughter consented to this and I would counter by following the chronology of the book her daughter was only barely 17 (depending on where her birthday falls) when this was published so that consent is invalid, she was a child.
I will never be able to understand the desire to immortalize all of the worst thoughts you have ever had about your child and about the trans community at large, and I sincerely hope that the author understands that although she says that she has changed, she still wrote what she wrote.
Writing a book about intimate details of your child's life is always tricky and questions of consent are always present, and I worry deeply that one day her daughter may feel differently about this quantity of deeply personal information being out in the world.
This book is not a guide on how to support your child through transition, and I don't believe it is helpful for close-minded parents. It contains many outdated stereotypes and validates those thoughts in others by seeing them in print. This book is damaging to the very cause the author is trying to further, and it breaks my heart that she does not recognize that.
September 29, 2020
This is an important read for all pediatricians, mothers, fathers... well, I guess everyone! Such a powerful and emotional insight into the life of a mother watching her child grow into the women she was meant to be. No child chooses their gender, no child chooses to be transgender. Well written, engaging. I’ll admit I cried. We all want our kids to be happy, to live good lives- that’s what it’s all about.
June 28, 2022
We discussed this book at our St. Matthews Book Club during Pride Month. This is a cathartic memoir by Paria Hassouri that focuses primarily on her reaction to her daughter Ava’s realization that she is female. Hassouri thinks this is phase that her son will go through and get over and then later has guilt for not realizing Ava’s commitment. As the book illustrates, it does take great courage for a kid to pick a non-traditional path in school and advocate for their rights. It’s not a decision to take lightly. Tana, our book club facilitator, led us to the fascinating documentary “Gender Revolution: A Journey with Katie Couric,” which is an excellent overview of this timely topic. Genetic studies based on identical and fraternal twins show a strong link between transgender choices of identical twins, indicating a strong genetic component. That is, those who choose transgender didn’t really have a choice. They were born that way. Getting back to the book, we were impressed with the support that Paria received from her Persian family and her friends. They were all understanding and welcoming. This is an excellent example of how far we as come as a loving and accepting society.
November 13, 2021
This is written from the point of view of the mother of a transgender teen. It covers a period of about 1.5 years starting with the girl's coming out to her parents to the point where she comes out to everyone and legally changes her name from Ayden to Ava. Her mother struggles with the fact that her "son" wants to be her daughter, and writes with brutal honesty about her feeling during this time. We do not hear a lot about what Ava is going through, and I'd like to have heard more about that. What is amazing though is the girls courage and determination. She does not shy away from being herself and it seems that she had family and friends that were either supportive or didn't care one way or the other. She appears not to have experienced bullying -except for an occasional relatively minor incident - at school. I was pleasantly surprised by this and realized that young people today are much more accepting of people who are different that my generation was.
February 3, 2022
Heartwarming, raw and real. I listened on audible and was transfixed. If you have not had your own child go through something like this, you truly cannot judge or even form an opinion until you do some research. This book is about as close as you will get to understanding the roller coaster of a ride. I recommend this book for anyone dealing with this now or in the recent past, or perhaps you are just curious and want to have more empathy for a friend going through this.
March 13, 2021
Audio
September 18, 2021
This book was just what I needed. Beautifully written, heartfelt and compassionate.
January 17, 2021
This may be the first book in my life that I’ve ever read that seemed to be almost parallel with my life and experience. I’m inspired to write my own version. I am so thankful for Paria’s honesty.
December 17, 2021
I rarely write a review since I just read for the joy of it. However, Found in Transition, spoke to me. It was as if the author, Praia Hassouri, had read my journal…invaded my thoughts…been in my home experiencing everything happening in 2021. I was struck at the honesty with which she has written…and how it mirrored my family. I wish I had found this book earlier in the year when my trans daughter came out and I regrettably let it shatter my world for awhile.
I IG’d the author to tell her just how much the book meant to me. She messaged back with encouragement.
I IG’d the author to tell her just how much the book meant to me. She messaged back with encouragement.
February 4, 2021
It's well-written but very much a parent's story. Good for parents to read to understand the struggles of other parents, but if you want to understand the struggles of queer people ourselves, you should read the stories of queer people ourselves.
September 18, 2020
I did not know what to expect when I picked up this book. I hoped for something thoughtful and self-aware, something becoming of an MD. Fortunately, Hassouri did not disappoint. She shows an incredible, heartfelt openness that transcends her education and professional training.
In many ways, this memoir can be used as an exemplar of supportive parenting. Likewise, it can be used as a guide of how to be rigorously honest in one’s writing. She does not sugarcoat her initial mistakes, nor does she shy away from expressing how painful the process of transitioning was. She does not hide behind religiosity or vain sentiment, but embraces the journey of her daughter in expressing who she feels that she really is.
I have never had a close relationship with a transgender person, but I find myself more eager to listen to their stories after this book. Hassouri can guide us not only as parents but also developmentally by virtue of her medical education. Her book is a good first stab at how we as a society can deal with these issues in a healthy manner. It also provides a good look at the hardships transgender people go through just to express themselves freely. By expressing her transition from closed-minded to open-minded, Hassouri elicits our empathy to all sides affected.
This book has obvious application to those close to the transgender community. Further, all parents can learn something from Hassouri’s tale – how to support their children to develop their own vision for their own lives. It also has reach to those – like teachers, social workers, counselors, and clergy – who are responsible for raising up the next generation. Many people, like myself, don’t have solid answers (yet) for how to deal with this community in a healthy manner. This book fosters discussion about how we develop positive policies. I know I, for one, am grateful for Hassouri’s honest storytelling.
In many ways, this memoir can be used as an exemplar of supportive parenting. Likewise, it can be used as a guide of how to be rigorously honest in one’s writing. She does not sugarcoat her initial mistakes, nor does she shy away from expressing how painful the process of transitioning was. She does not hide behind religiosity or vain sentiment, but embraces the journey of her daughter in expressing who she feels that she really is.
I have never had a close relationship with a transgender person, but I find myself more eager to listen to their stories after this book. Hassouri can guide us not only as parents but also developmentally by virtue of her medical education. Her book is a good first stab at how we as a society can deal with these issues in a healthy manner. It also provides a good look at the hardships transgender people go through just to express themselves freely. By expressing her transition from closed-minded to open-minded, Hassouri elicits our empathy to all sides affected.
This book has obvious application to those close to the transgender community. Further, all parents can learn something from Hassouri’s tale – how to support their children to develop their own vision for their own lives. It also has reach to those – like teachers, social workers, counselors, and clergy – who are responsible for raising up the next generation. Many people, like myself, don’t have solid answers (yet) for how to deal with this community in a healthy manner. This book fosters discussion about how we develop positive policies. I know I, for one, am grateful for Hassouri’s honest storytelling.
September 11, 2022
(4.5/5 stars)
Pros:
•This story is moving and engaging, and I found myself eager to return to it and learn more about Ava and Paria and their family
•I really appreciated Paria’s honesty and vulnerability in sharing some of her uglier thoughts, feelings, and reactions. I think this was a brave choice and helpful for my own reflection about how I would respond to a child or loved one who came out to me. I think this book better prepared me to be equipped to be a better ally to my future child or loved one, should they be trans. This vulnerability allows for reflection so much more than a perfect response would have
•I also learned more details about what transition entails, and the financial and emotional costs
Cons:
•I think these were part of the honesty and vulnerability, but there were a few parts of Ava’s past included that made me raise my eyebrows and wonder if Ava will always be comfortable with those there: her birth name and old pronouns included in direct quotations or thoughts (I really think this was intended to serve pro #2, but the impact is still there), the photos that Ava requested be removed from the family wall. I wonder how Ava feels about that (based on the author’s instagram, it seems like she’s fine and supports it), and how other trans people feel reading it.
•I occasionally felt like Paria’s moping/sadness/grieving was repetitive, and though that might be how it felt, didn’t add anything to the story
Recommendation: I really enjoyed and learned from this memoir and recommend to those curious about the parent perspective during a child’s transition or to those who enjoy raw and honest memoirs. Some caveats: if you’re looking for a trans story, also consider reading a trans author; be prepared for some deadnaming and misgendering- all done only in the context of direct quotes from the past- it worked fine for me, but I am cis and understand how it might be triggering or upsetting for others!
Pros:
•This story is moving and engaging, and I found myself eager to return to it and learn more about Ava and Paria and their family
•I really appreciated Paria’s honesty and vulnerability in sharing some of her uglier thoughts, feelings, and reactions. I think this was a brave choice and helpful for my own reflection about how I would respond to a child or loved one who came out to me. I think this book better prepared me to be equipped to be a better ally to my future child or loved one, should they be trans. This vulnerability allows for reflection so much more than a perfect response would have
•I also learned more details about what transition entails, and the financial and emotional costs
Cons:
•I think these were part of the honesty and vulnerability, but there were a few parts of Ava’s past included that made me raise my eyebrows and wonder if Ava will always be comfortable with those there: her birth name and old pronouns included in direct quotations or thoughts (I really think this was intended to serve pro #2, but the impact is still there), the photos that Ava requested be removed from the family wall. I wonder how Ava feels about that (based on the author’s instagram, it seems like she’s fine and supports it), and how other trans people feel reading it.
•I occasionally felt like Paria’s moping/sadness/grieving was repetitive, and though that might be how it felt, didn’t add anything to the story
Recommendation: I really enjoyed and learned from this memoir and recommend to those curious about the parent perspective during a child’s transition or to those who enjoy raw and honest memoirs. Some caveats: if you’re looking for a trans story, also consider reading a trans author; be prepared for some deadnaming and misgendering- all done only in the context of direct quotes from the past- it worked fine for me, but I am cis and understand how it might be triggering or upsetting for others!
March 20, 2021
Found in Transition: A Mother’s Evolution during Her Child’s Gender Change
by Paria Hassouri
Published September 8, 2020
<3 HEARTWARMING READ <3
What do you do when, just before Thanksgiving at your mother's, your fourteen-year-old son asks you to iron the dress he recently purchased and plans to wear? Listeners learn the answer and much more in this wonderfully frank, loving, and practical account of parenting a transgender teen. Paria Hassouri chronicles what amounts to a dual transition: as her child transitions from male to female, she navigates through anger, denial, and grief to eventually arrive at acceptance. Despite her experience advising other parents in her work as a pediatrician, she was blindsided by her child's gender identity.
Her journey forces her to reckon with how her own childhood as a brown kid in a white world led her to sometimes parent with fear rather than love. Hassouri discovers her capacity to evolve, as well as what it really means to parent and the deepest nature of unconditional love. At its heart, Found in Transition is a universally inspiring portrait of what it means to be a family.
by Paria Hassouri
Published September 8, 2020
<3 HEARTWARMING READ <3
What do you do when, just before Thanksgiving at your mother's, your fourteen-year-old son asks you to iron the dress he recently purchased and plans to wear? Listeners learn the answer and much more in this wonderfully frank, loving, and practical account of parenting a transgender teen. Paria Hassouri chronicles what amounts to a dual transition: as her child transitions from male to female, she navigates through anger, denial, and grief to eventually arrive at acceptance. Despite her experience advising other parents in her work as a pediatrician, she was blindsided by her child's gender identity.
Her journey forces her to reckon with how her own childhood as a brown kid in a white world led her to sometimes parent with fear rather than love. Hassouri discovers her capacity to evolve, as well as what it really means to parent and the deepest nature of unconditional love. At its heart, Found in Transition is a universally inspiring portrait of what it means to be a family.
September 4, 2022
"Found in Transition" is a story of a fierce and uncompromising love. Author Paria Hassouri doesn't pull any punches—least of all with herself. The story of Ava's transition is told with a very real, and very rare, courage. As parents, we have an idea, or a 'dream' of how things 'should' be—for our children, and for our families within that dream. But reality rarely matches fantasy. Parents stubbornly cling to that fantasy, out of fear, and risk destroying the very thing they cherish most—a positive, loving bond with their child and family. Dr. Hassouri documents the often rocky journey of letting go of what 'should' be and accepting what 'is'—ultimately discovering a love and bond that's far beyond any fantasy. As a father, I highly recommend "Found in Transition" to other fathers as well—regardless of whatever struggles you're experiencing with your child. Because we're all struggling with something—and want the same thing: love. This story is about love. It's a terrific book.
September 17, 2020
Paria Hassouri provides an eye-opening and raw account of her transition from being the mother of a son to becoming the mother of a daughter.
Paria often references a journal we're so fortunate she kept, beginning with the initial shock of her son telling her "I'm a girl." Paria's denial and ignorance about trans children surprise both her and us — She's a liberal-leaning, trained pediatrician in Beverly Hills. Her realization that she may be her child's first bully is heart-wrenching.
The silver-lining, of course, is that Paria's arduous journey inspires her to write this book. To help parents like her who could have used a book like this. Paria draws us in with humor and the humility of a parent trying to find her way. You can't help but cheer for her and her daughter, Ava, as they transition into their new identities.
Found in Transition is a beautiful book.
Paria often references a journal we're so fortunate she kept, beginning with the initial shock of her son telling her "I'm a girl." Paria's denial and ignorance about trans children surprise both her and us — She's a liberal-leaning, trained pediatrician in Beverly Hills. Her realization that she may be her child's first bully is heart-wrenching.
The silver-lining, of course, is that Paria's arduous journey inspires her to write this book. To help parents like her who could have used a book like this. Paria draws us in with humor and the humility of a parent trying to find her way. You can't help but cheer for her and her daughter, Ava, as they transition into their new identities.
Found in Transition is a beautiful book.
October 7, 2020
As a man, and as a gay man, I can never truly know nor understand what it can be like to be a woman or a mother. Seeing through the eyes of Paria, I can feel and connect with the mix of fear that comes from one’s past paired with selfless worry and ultimate love for a child. Reading through the book, you’re reminded that no matter what race or gender you are, we are all human, prone to err and judgement; yet we truly just want to be loved, heard, and seen. When she writes: “What’s losing a name when you’re not losing the actual person. It’s just a name.” I’m taken to Shakespeare’s famous line: “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” It is a book worth reading and a story worth sharing.
October 2, 2020
Found in Transition is an authentic and vulnerable account of a mother's journey through her child's gender transition. Paria moves the stages of learning who Ava truly is, while challenging her own definition of who she is as a mother. Some truths she shares are so raw & honest, it's to believe the author laid bare those tender feelings. In the end, the reader understands it was critical to the process. This book teaches us the importance of meeting people where they are at. For parents, it's also an compelling lesson about parenting from a place of love, instead of fear, no matter how they identify.
January 5, 2021
The journey of shock, pain, confusion, acceptance, renewal, and love that Paria and her daughter go through is enlightening. It has not only given me a more nuanced understanding of my expanded human family, but it also provided me the opportunity to feel textures and wounds inside me that I’d never touched before. When we are given the chance to see old wounds, we can lay hands on them to heal.
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Listen to my interview with Paria Hassouri >> https://www.findthegood.news/2020/11/...
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Listen to my interview with Paria Hassouri >> https://www.findthegood.news/2020/11/...
September 28, 2020
As a mother, you have many expectations for your child- many of which are based on gender at birth and you never give that a second thought. Paria is like every other loving and devoted mother. She shows us that in a blink of an eye those hopes and dreams can change and coming to terms with that is not an easy journey. Found in Transition is a real, honest, and emotional picture of a mother dealing with her own emotions while supporting her child’s gender change and her entire family. This book proves that a Mother’s Love is stronger than any other thing in the world.
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