If I Had to Tell It Again

by Gayathri Prabhu

Sixty-six years of a lifetime gone. There would be no funeral. He had donated his body to the local medical college. It was part of his script, his fantasy about death. He would show his hospital donation certificate to anyone who came to our house. No rituals for me, he would announce. To his mind there was some justice in being cut up by medical students. He had wanted to be a doctor. There is his corpse, lying on the floor, people constantly milling around, talking about his untimely, unfortunate death, while I stare at everyone in dry-eyed annoyance. He had always been a popular man, much loved, generous to a fault to his neighbours, even if angry towards his own family. I just want him gone from the house. When the van from the morgue comes to pick him up, everyone urges us to touch his feet, to ask for his blessings. It is expected from children of dead parents. Everyone watches us. You first, an old man points to me, my father s first-born. I bend down, my fingers touch his feet. In my mind the words form, loud and distinct I forgive you.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction

192 pages, Paperback

Published December 5, 2017

About the author

Gayathri Prabhu is the author of four novels, a memoir, a study of B&W cinema, and a novella in prose poetry: 'Love in Seven Easy Steps' (Magic Mongrel, 2021), 'Shadow Craft: Visual Aesthetics of Black and White Hindi cinema' (Bloomsbury, 2021), 'Vetaal and Vikram' (HarperCollins, 2019), 'If I Had to Tell It Again' (HarperCollins, 2017), 'The Untitled' (Fourth Estate, HarperCollins, 2016), 'Birdswim Fishfly' (Rupa, 2006) and Maya (Indialog, 2003). She teaches literary studies at the Manipal Centre for Humanities.

Reviews

[Mridula Gupta · Rating 5 out of 5]

"The word 'suicidal' came to my mind much later. At that time, it was as simple as taking one step forward- towards release, towards perfect freedom and stillness. Most importantly, there was the knowledge that I would do it without hesitation.

And yet, I hesitated, held back."

Review to come :)

[Anukriti Malik · Rating 4 out of 5]

.. But the tears did not tumble , not even a drop. It was if only writing could tackle the work of grieving..

Memoirs are not easy to write. It takes a lot of courage to pen down your feelings in front of everyone. If I Had To Tell It Again is a personal account of the author revolving around her relation with her depressed father. The words are picked with perfection. The author describes her childhood which was brutal and how it shaped her as a person. The book might triger you if you have been through depression or child abuse so read at a slow pace and don’t rush into it. The book is a short read divided in five chapter but it took me a lot time to complete this one.

What disturbed me a little was the layout. Some lines were repetitive but then it’s a memoir and maybe that’s how it is supposed to be. No doubt the end was placed perfectly. I will definitely read this one again.

“No matter where depression starts, whether in the caverns of relationships or in the crevice of the brain or in the runnels of the heart, the visible signs of the illness are slow to emerge.”

[Bookworm · Rating 5 out of 5]

I always prefer reading fiction because it serves as an escape from busy days filled with monotonous and demanding routine. My will to read had been killed due to moving house and the sight of stacks and stacks of books only made me stray away from reading further. The sight of books no longer cheered me and space constraints started gnawing at my insides. I had to let go of many of my precious books hoarded over the years. We had only started to get settled down in our new home when my niece dropped in for a visit with a book. Earlier, I used to jump with joy whenever she had a book in hand. But this time I felt morose. Another book! I was starting to sound like all the non-readers in my family. But something about the starkness and clinical whiteness of the cover struck my eye. I did not even have to go to the fine print on the cover stating that it was a memoir. From the title itself, I could understand that it was one, and one for which I would have to be very strong to complete. I have read very few memoirs, the last being “Angela’s Ashes”, which, though sprinkled with humour, was heart-breakingly sad. So I was wary of this particular book as I knew that only very few people could weave humour into painful incidents of their life.

Nevertheless, I started reading the book and before I knew it, I was drawn into the searing account of the author’s life. It was heart wrenching, not an easy read, yet unputdownable. I managed to finish it in 3 days, which is an accomplishment as I usually take 2 weeks or more to finish a book.

“If I Had To Tell It Again” by Gayathri Prabhu is raw as raw as can be and what adds to the rawness is her poetic style of writing. A memoir made bearable because of her flowing language and imagery. I have never come across such a beautifully written memoir. It is a narration of her life lived large with a depressed and chronic alcoholic father - a monster of a father. A two faced demon. One with destructive bouts of rage and violence and at the same time, given to expressing love at times at home. In public, he was nothing else but a selfless, dedicated bank official who never hesitated to help others, even if it meant poverty for the family. But as much as she hates him for what he had been and how he wrecked her life in myriad ways, she talks longingly, if not lovingly, of him as a doting parent as well. We all know what repercussions child abuse and violence can have on one’s life. In Gayathri’s case, she talks about how her father used to say that he hated her younger sister and to make them bold and strong, they were beaten mercilessly with belts until they became teenagers. The author and her sister were trained right from an early age to be dependent and to have a steely resolve. The author takes on the role of a parent/ adult at the tender age of 7. Their father never looked on them as children and always made them do things unappropriate for their age. At an age when they needed guidance, they were let free into the world to learn to be responsible and fend for themselves because he believed in “spines toughened by hardships”.

“Your job as a parent was to protect, but you sent me on odd errands late in the evening, unescorted, sometimes with a little sister in tow, in a city roving with predators. Big city, narrow lanes, adult eyes that caged little girls. You would have said: What could happen? You should be warriors, not cowards. I want my daughters to be like other people’s sons – self-reliant, efficient. You will thank me someday.”

“You turned out fine because of the disciplining, he always said. We turned out fine despite you – much of our adult energy was expended in communicating that to our father. Before the alcoholism, we did not have the language to tell our truth. Afterwards, the alcoholism did not carry our words.”

They were trained to always say “no” to anything they wanted because their father believed that giving was more important than taking. There were instances where she was forced to sleep with her male cousin and which she did not dare tell her father as this would mean she was ‘ spineless’, a liar.

The only person she turned to was to her sister. Her mother, too, unfortunately, did not do anything to quell her miseries. I feel that her mother had to be blamed for what had happened because if she had stood up against her father, or better still, walked out of an abusive marriage, they would have had a better life. In the very few instances , where she has mentioned her mother, it is either in parantheses or as “his wife’. She had never done anything to help her daughter. It was always ’be strong’, ‘be positive’, ‘pray to God’, ‘be kind to your father’, ‘ depression is negative thinking’ etc. Whatever untoward circumstances she had been in , her mother would tell her how ‘God punished her’.

Writing a memoir, like this, is no mean feat. It would mean reliving all those unpleasant and horrific memories . It would mean laying bare the demons that had been haunting her and clawing her insides all her life. But it would also mean a coming to terms with whatever she had grappled with. In short, it would be a cathartic process, one which would ultimately heal her. In her own words, Gayathri says “To write is to be vulnerable.”

Gayathri does not name anyone in the book and people are reduced to mere letters of the alphabet. SGM, her father who dies of liver cirrhosis at the age of 66; N, her ex-husband; G, when talking about herself; his wife, when talking about her mother and G, her sister and her rock. The only living being who gets to have a name in the book is her Labrador, Chinna, who is her pillar of strength and who, with his intuitive powers, tried to save the author from killing herself many times.

The book is divided into five chapters, of which one is in the form of a play with three characters. The other chapters are more or less a narration of incidents, happy and unhappy, but mostly the latter. We feel as if the author is caught in a whirlwind of emotions and experiences when she writes with no particular time frame. The narrative moves back and forth, with the larger than life father, her primary focus.

In the third chapter, One More Reason Why, the author talks about depression at length. Gayathri suffered from the same illness that turned her father into a monster – depression. Though depression and alcohol snuffed out her father’s life agonisingly, Gayathri sought help as she did not want to turn into her father. Her father made her hate children even though she loved them and craved to have one of her own. Two miscarriages, two unsuccessful marriages and a life which seemed to be a big, dark, gaping hole.

“Loneliness. A woman’s loneliness. Managing relationships, managing a family, managing a career, managing life … and in the centre of all this managing is a loneliness that cannot be managed. A loneliness that never goes away.”

People always ask what the causes of depression are. Gayathri stresses that there cannot be a worse question than this. One needs to ask what should be done.

“Such is the illness that it seems to warrant silent suffering, as much as the silent moving on...the appearance of normality becomes crucial. No matter where depression starts, whether in the caverns of relationships or in the crevice of the brain or in the runnels of the heart, the visible signs of the illness are slow to emerge. At first nothing, and then the sort of symptoms that families are happy to attribute to something else, anything else, anything but this.

This chapter is an eye-opener to what clinical depression really is.

“The biggest hurdle is that the mind that is unwell and needs treatment will do its best to talk you out of it. No other organ in your body is capable of this – the failed kidney will not articulate its denial. But the mind, even when it is rapidly sinking, will convince you at regular intervals that it is actually not so ill and that it is capable of recovery without intervention. The story of long-term depression often swings between these poles – denial and relapse. Please promise me that nobody will know. I promise. This conversation about depression has happened many times and the range of symptoms is staggering...”

“Trying to help a depressed person is like trying to stop being depressed – it cannot be done, it can only be lived, while all the time hoping to surmount its invisibility.”

“One has to simply change that, look at it all a little differently, talk back to that negative voice with verve, and the wheel starts to turn in ways that sync with our best selves. But it was agonizingly slow – I cannot lie. And there were too many moments of doubts and despair. It was yet another long slog through yet another long curved tunnel.”

“It is the strong people who struggle, who pay a price for pushing against the current – the depressed are not weak-minded.”

Also, through this memoir, the author shares with the reader some important lessons of life, most of which are absolutely necessary in today’s world which is rife with competition and greed. One thing which she talks about is failure and how important it is to teach one’s kids about failing in life. Her father says,
“I did not teach you to fail. How could I? I did not know what to do with failure myself. We should learn from others, those who make the formula look so simple – get a job, get married, have children, build homes, retire, grow old...”

Another thing that the author talks to us about is the importance of writing. The more tormented a writer, the greater is the clarity in the writing. She herself tells us how she had never thought she would write a memoir especially in a country like India where “what will others think” constantly echo in one’s mind.

“I sit to write. A million eyes watch. Faces materialize as I type. Some distant aunt, a curious student, a relative by marriage, an acquaintance in this coastal town – almost paralysing, these future readers. And I know why there are such few memoirs being written in this country about the sort of suffering that only families can inflict and endure. The rhetoric of duty, sacrifice and family honour turns ceaselessly like a giant.”

Though she had known all along that her father would die an untimely death, it was “an unfinished narrative”. But she knew she had to write about the grandeur that was her father. Thus, she started with her memoir, a few months after his death. She says how this memoir is not a full revelation of her life as there were some things “he was not told but deserved to know.” The most important thing in this literary snapshot remains “an illness and a love beyond measure...”

This particular excerpt on writing memoirs, I found to be exceptional.
“That is why, to be silent, I tell myself, would be to collude with the collective denial and discomfort about mental illness. I learnt this about child abuse as well – the most valuable advice is to talk about it, to tell someone, and even though the telling is just a start, it is needed. Otherwise, the shame is muted and the muted stays shameful, slowly snuffing out one’s spirit. This is why one writes a memoir. This is why one tells strangers. We carry the invisible, and perhaps the telling can honour it, make it real and seen.”

The final chapter “After, Then Before’, she takes us on a short tour of her father’s life, in decades. She starts from when she was born and he was just 26, holding her for the first time in the hospital, From then on it was a downward spiral manifesting itself in bouts of rage, domestic abuse, child abuse and drunken torpors. Gayathri feels that if only her father had listened to her and taken treatment for what he didn’t want to acknowledge, there would have been some hope of gaining some lost parental love.

I leave you all with the ending which cannot be more touching when she explains how she, surprisingly, has memories of her father holding her close when she was merely an infant.

“...I distinctly recollect a space and light. A room with large well-lit windows that open to a dazzlingly blue ocean. There were voices, presences, floating in and out, and deep vibrations echoing in that space. And then, even more vividly, the quality of light, so blue, so quiet, and my spirit floating, pristine, a feather in that blue light.

And then I remember something else, not just the light and the airy space.

Being held, suspended in space, cocooned in warmth so bright that it becomes my first memory.

Skin, touch, breath.

It was you.”

Rating: 5/5
P.S This was such a painful read. Difficult to read it without having nightmares yourself. But at the end of it all, Gayathri emerges shining, bright and hopeful. A searing account of the author's life lived painfully. So poetically and poignantly expressed.

[Kavya Srinivasan · Rating 3 out of 5]

(Disclaimer: I received a copy of this book to read and review)

I don't think this was an easy memoir to write. It is raw and real and believable - all fantastic things in a memoir. However, it took me a while to get into the book. I would say that the last 100 pages were compelling and beautiful, but the 70 odd pages before didn't have some of the fire - giving the reader the impression that the writer was warming up to writing the good stuff.

As someone who's been battling anxiety for a while, the sections about dealing with depression felt like they were my own experiences - filling me with respect for Prabhu as a person and writer for being able to talk about them in a way that neither belittles the experience nor elevates it to the biggest part of the book. It's a hard line to tread - and for the most part, the book treads it well.

I personally felt that the section written as a play took away from the experience, rather than adding to it. It was sudden and perhaps served the purpose of shocking the reader into paying attention, but I prefer the prose in the book, and found myself dragging my way through the sections written in dialogue.

Would strongly recommend for readers of personal narratives and biographical/autobiographical texts, as well as readers interested in understanding everyday living with mental illness.

[Pragya · Rating 3 out of 5]

Read more reviews at Reviewing Shelf.

That bare, sparse cover is a true fit for this book. It radiates what is within. The hazy memories of a lifetime gone by, the words disappearing before they are written. Written hurriedly without a thought given to the capitals. Flowing over the page, unbidden, unstoppable, like a river in motion.

This book is not an easy read. I cannot even fathom how difficult it would have been to write. At one point, the author explains why memoirs are less frequently written in our country. Because they will be read by relatives, neighbors, and friends. We belong to a  country in which people hide their shame and do not air their dirty laundries in public. But whose shame is it anyway?

The book transcends various forms of narratives and undergoes time lapses. The reality is seen via a play, heard by the author herself or told in the third narrative as if the author wants to distance herself from what is being said. As if it's not her past. As if she wants to disown what has gone by. And who wouldn't? With a life like that, anyone would want to hide the past under covers and never look at it again. But herein, the author stays true to what her father wanted her to be. Brave, unafraid, facing her demons, standing upto family, relatives and friends in baring the reality and brushing nothing under the carpet.

There it is, the stark, naked truth for you to see, feel and abhor. Everything that we hide, turn away from, refuse to believe, deny. The workings of our families, our societies, the bleak knowledge of mental illness and our ignorance.

When it began, it felt more like a book about the author's journey with her father. It was only past page 80 when we began to get more than just a glimpse of her which is when the book took on a completely different turn. And I found myself falling into the vortex of her mind, feeling, experiencing, detesting.

The to and fro narratives, free of progressive timelines gave a disconnected, jarring feel to the narrative. But I believe that reflects the life of the narrator as it really was. It hasn't been an easy one. So when a friend of the author tells her she is strong, I concur. It takes someone with an immense strength to undergo all that she has. No one can come unscathed from these experiences and neither did she. But to have come a long way and making the most of her life is what she has excelled at.

The lack of names in the memoir, identified usually by a single alphabet, a G, a N. It felt disconcerting. Not to know the names, not to know the characters well. Not to know about the author's mother, her name, more about her. But I think this memoir is more a father-daughter's story than anything else and the author wanted to stay true to it. Others are just passing characters in this real-life story and have been kept nameless so that we can bypass them quickly without sparing them a thought. They aren't as important to the narrative, to the journey the author wants to take us on.

The writing is easy to read, flows well and helps the reader understand the dilemma, the uncertainty and the storm occurring within the author. This memoir is a testament to life's difficulties and the odds against which a person rises despite being pulled down, over and over again. It's a narrative of a difficult childhood, multiple instances of physical and sexual abuse, resulting depression, and a fight against all of it. It is undoubtedly a memoir worth reading.

[Krutika · Rating 5 out of 5]

~ r e v i e w ~
•
"Two children, born of the same parents and living in the same house, enduring nearly the same punishments - one suffers from not remembering and the other from remembering too much. Such are the workings of trauma. Between us are seen and unseen battle lines." - Gayathri Prabhu.

"Before the alcoholism, we did not have the language to tell our truth.
Afterwards, the alcoholism did not carry our words to him". - Gayathri Prabhu.
•
Memoirs are always difficult affairs, both to write and to read because they carry varying levels of intimacy. Of all the memoirs I've read so far, this particular book has been the most difficult one of all. I was in awe with Gayathri's courage, her ability to tell the world about her father's shortcomings, unflinchingly. We often have the habit of sugarcoating our words to blunt the impact of its blow but Gayathri delivers her story in its crudest form. To live with a father who was mentally never present, shaped her life in many ways, both good and bad. This book also portrays mental illness without the rose-tinted glasses. If I Had To Tell It Again is an important read about lost parents and forgotten childhoods.
•
S.G.M, as she calls her father, was a flamboyant man in his youthful years who had a penchant for narrating stories extravagantly, often modifying it with every narration. He buries his dreams of becoming a doctor and decides to become a bank manager instead. Although Gayathri recalls wonderful times with her father when she was a child, her happy memories take a backseat as she grows up. She witnesses her father's downward spiral as he seeks solace in glasses of rum and belt buckles to discipline the girls. With depression on one shoulder and alcoholism on the other, S.G.M risks the lives of his daughters more than once without any remorse. The idea of being a failure haunted him throughout his life and so he shifted his bag of expectations onto Gayathri's shoulders, pushing her to the breaking point. While she was his favourite, he left no stone unturned in telling his younger daughter that she was unwanted.
•
S.G.M's life was nothing short of a disaster, his shadow chasing the lives of his daughters for years to come. Gayathri recalls every wrong and irresponsible action of her father, be it the physical blows that rained on her or being sent outside late in the night to run errands while she was still a child. Her traumatic childhood eventually led her to depression. While most part of the book was about S.G.M's fickle character, his unpredictability and shortcomings, she also mentions the rare glimpses of her father being kind and himself. Last few pages of the book were extremely difficult to read for it revolved around Chinna, their aging labrador. This memoir is not just mere words but portrays the failings of few parents as they fight their own battles. What stayed with me was Gayathri's mesmerizing way of writing. It glides over one's body like warm butter, at times singeing the skin but mostly urging us to lean back and soak it in. If there's one book you are planning to read this year, let it be this.
•
Rating : 5/5

[Vidhya Thakkar · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the title and cover of the book. It describes a lot of what this book is. The book is all about a relationship between father and a daughter. The daughter describes memories of her brutal childhood, how she was abused. It's about the complicated relationship she shared with her father. It's a story about depression that both father and daughter went through. The words used by the author are so strong and beautifully expressed each and every part of the story. The rich vocabulary used by the author makes this book more beautiful. The plot that the book has is quite heavy but rich. The way she expressed each and every aspect how her father who fulfilled other people's wishes except his daughter's and wife. How cruel he was to his daughters but precious for other people. The book had many themes like loss, breakdown, healing and many more. Her father always wanted his daughter to be independent, courageous and brave. she stood up to his father's expectations fighting with every situation, making her own way. The story also tells a lot about mental illness, how one faces depression, how it's difficult to come out of it, the loss. The author used many beautiful lines and phrases that add beauty to this book. The pace of the story is too good. It explains each and everything with a deep meaning within. The tempo of the story is amazing, as there are various elements added to the story every time. There's mystery, suspense, self-help, awareness and much more. This book teaches you to get through the pain with some beautifully described situations.
The author describes how her dog chinna played an important role in her life, her battles, struggles through depression, life. How much she wanted to tell her father but she could not tell him because of his nature. How one trauma made his father depressed that he wished for death.

An accurate and beautifully written story with strong vocabulary where each and everyone can connect with the story. Amazing plot, beautiful story, strong characters, and wonderful writings.
The book is a heavy read but a must read.
This book is an easy read which one can finish in a go. one can learn a lot from this book and I am lucky that I got this book as a review copy.

[Kajal Dhamija · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book with raw emotions, brutal honesty and depression.

This memoir left me full of emotions. There are some inexplicable things which make us the way we are, which shape us. But at the end of the day, it is us who make us.

Everything about this book is so refreshing, yet disturbing. This book stands out among the memoirs as the style it is written in is so complex, yet unbelievably simple. There is this lack of monotonous writing, unlike most of the non-fiction books, which makes it such a great read.

If I had to tell it again lays down honest emotions of a child, and what is expected of parents by their children. More so, this book talks about how making a child strong can sometimes make him go through some really bad experiences, which simply spoils the purpose for which it is done.

I'd recommend this book to everyone out there who wants to go through a sea of emotions!

[Sadhana C · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sharp, devastating, and beautiful. One of the best books I read this year and a very moving portrayal of what high expectations from children, untold harsh truths, and mental illness can look like in entwined Indian families. Looking forward to reading all the other work by the author.

[Tavleen Kaur (Travelling Through Words) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very brave account of the author's extremely difficult and traumatic life. I thank her for finding the courage to write her story and for giving me an opportunity to read it.

[Shailee Basu · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memor is indubitably one of the finest books I've read in a while. I read this book in one sitting, I just could not put it down. The book is an amalgamation of grief, love, loss, courage and hope. It takes you through a plethora of emotions and tangled relationships- an apotheosis of the metamorphosis of life. It also raises a few fundamental questions about life.

It revolves around her relationship with her father, her family, her dog, her marriage and most importantly her relationship with herself. My favorite part of the book was the relationship of the author with her dog. So vehement, so beautiful and so real. I could imagine myself in it. It also brings to light the difficulties and ambiguity of mental illness and how one must never give up.

If I were given a chance to shortlist a 100 books to read in a lifetime, this one would be at the top of my list! It takes courage to write a memoir this raw and this real. I would recommend it to anyone who has a knack for understanding human emotions or anyone who simply enjoys reading a good and enthralling book.

[Prachi Singh · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I had to tell it again is a memoir of her father written by Gayathri Prabhu. When her mother got to know that she is writing this book she messaged her to write about a wonderful, philanthropic and charismatic man he was. MAN, YES. FATHER, NOT. Her father was a charming storyteller and always available to help someone in the need but unfortunately didn’t let his family subscribe to this service. Since the book is written by a daughter, it is a very intimate account of the father-daughter relationship and how it made a deep and lasting impression in the heart of Prabhu.

It narrates the story of a child who grows up in an abusive home environment with an alcoholic father with a bad temper. A child who had to grow up too soon, bear the pressure of extraordinary expectations of her father and seeing her father wither away in front of her own eyes by gulping down the alcohol instead of the medicines that could have saved his life.

“I learnt this about child abuse as well- the most valuable advice is to talk about it, to tell someone, and even though telling is just a start, it is needed. Otherwise, the shame is muted and the muted stay shameful, slowly snuffing out one’s spirit.That is why one writes a memoir.”

Reading this book was like fighting in a battle with the two voices of your mind. I was in a state of conflict – whether to keep the book aside and process all the emotions that I was feeling or to surge ahead and devour it all. I was swallowed up by a string of emotions anger, sorrow, grief, dull ache in my heart when author narrated her fight with depression reminding me of my own account with it.

The writing is beautiful, laced with pain and at times it is even heartbreaking but as you move forward there is courage and hope also. It gives you an inspiration to not give up. It gives you a hope that everything will turn out well, with time. It tells you it is okay to cry, it is okay to just lie down, it is okay if you go to a psychologist but what is not okay is to not acknowledge that you have a mental illness and that you give up.

For a country with over 5 crore depressed individual (as per the report, “Depression and Other Common Mental Disorders — Global Health Estimates” by WHO in 2015)’ and yet mental illness is taboo, comes this book which not only tells you that it is necessary to seek help and get a treatment but also gives you various dangerous glimpses of what happens when you do not acknowledge it.

I have immense respect in my heart for the author for sharing something so personal with the readers. The author has laid herself bare to the readers and I sincerely thank her for writing this book. I can relate to so many parts of the story, having a first-hand experience of most of them.So, I know how difficult it must have been to pen down all those incidents and to share it with the world.

It is one of those books that will create a forever lasting impression on you. As for me, I will always carry the story inside me and think about it time and again.

[Pavitra (For The Love of Fictional Worlds) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Disclaimer : A Huge Thanks to Harper Collins India for providing me with a review copy. My thought, opinions and feelings expressed in this review are, however my own!

CAUTION: This book is a honest representation of the author's life. But it also has triggers for mania, depression and other mental health issues. So, please take care of your mental first - you are precious and you deserved to be dealt with care!

A memoir isn’t a book that you can review. I don’t want to and I don’t think I will.

This is the memoir, the deepest feelings of the author in her life with a father who battled with depression; Written in the form of anecdotes, the writes succinctly describes the moments and events that shaped her life and personality in her interactions with her father.

A book of only 180 pages, it’s the raw emotions written between them that gets to the reader – a little to the dramatic end with the writing, but that keeps you interested in the story. It is the author’s talent that she evokes empathy in her readers, when keeping it open with everything that happened in her life, especially with her interactions with her father.

You don’t have a Psych major (like me, which is the reason why I was interested in the book) to read it – in fact it would be imperative for people from all ages and styles of life should read this beauty; if only to understand that Depression isn’t just a word that used by people around you; but that it is a state of mind that can affect everyone around them!



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[Sonal Raj · Rating 4 out of 5]

...Some debts are too large to be repaid, but one has to try nonetheless

Memoirs are becoming rare these days, and this is one of the classic ones I have read in a while. The author recounts her experiences with her father from the childhood through the ups and downs of her adult life right up to his demise. This was indeed a difficult read, because of the deep emotional revelations of one's life, and in parts about things almost everyone can relate to.

The author talks about dynamics of family and relations during hardships, her brunt with the stigmas about depression and counselling, suicidal thoughts, failed marriage, about ideal parenthood and it's nuances and also the deep rooted bond and support system centred around her pet dog. It focuses on the highs and lows of a unique father daughter relationship, where even though he wanted greatness for his daughter, he may not have done it all right! The author ponders over how things might have been different if different choices had been made at every stage of life.

All in all, it is a heart wrenching story at times, a lesson for a variety of life aspects and also, the idealism that resides in human connections and expectations. Kudos for the courage and effort put into compiling this. I would definitely recommend a read.

[Tarun Surya · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is not an easy book to read. Not because of its language (simply but powerfully written); not because of its length (a mere 180-odd pages); not even because it is a true story. This book wasn't easy for me to read because it brought up memories I'd rather not relive and questions I'd rather not answer. This book, for me, was a mix of Em and The Big Hoom and Ghachar Ghochar. While the shifting perspectives, lack of names and the inclusion of a one act play in the middle of the narrative were somewhat jarring, the novel ties it all together with the single thread of mental anguish. I found myself weeping by the end of the novel, but somehow more over Chinna than SGM. The contrast of emotions over two experiences with death feed off of one another, showcasing that no emotion is black and white. Would I recommend this book to people? Yes, I would. Will I be returning to it soon? No, I will not. Not until I am more secure with my worldview and have seen more of the world than I have.

[Reet Singh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished this book.
I am seared by the stories that pour out of the pages in a stuttering rhythm.
The stories are brutal, yet there's tenderness and compassion in evidence. The telling is cruel, yet kind; there is love and loathing, hope and despair, but - above all - there is honesty and valor!
There is unimaginable suffering, but there is healing - the last doesn't make everything all right, but it is something. I'll be thinking of little else in the days to come....

[Venkataraghavan Srinivasan · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible read. Taut, unflinching prose. A meditation on death, depression, and love. Told with a dispassion that can only come from deep emotional involvement. Can be read in the course of an afternoon, but will stay with you for long after.

[Lucjan · Rating 5 out of 5]

i feel as if i've just read about my father. i am a wreck now.

[Divya · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very poignant book about depression and how it impacts people in different ways. Really liked it.

[Apurva Sheel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is one of those books that need to be read by everybody in order to understand the effects a mental illness can have on a person's life including their family, work, and life in general. received a review copy of this book by the author and I feel incredibly lucky that I was chosen for that. I cannot emphasize the importance of reading this book which is a narration of her (and indirectly her father's) life and reveals secrets the author probably has never told anyone. The courage with which she wrote this book is worth applauding.
I took more about this book and why everyone should read it in my blog:
https://goo.gl/V26Hvf

[Saloni · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is phenomenal Book. Gayatri Prabhu has been stupendously brave in being brutally honest. And this book, in my estimation will heal generations to come.

[Tia Raina · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a daughter and friend of an addict all I can say is she has written about the behaviour, thoughts and emotions of family and loved ones of an addict so perfectly.

So many details that may seem inconsequential or like mere insignificant personality traits are the ones that make the biggest impact on children, and I find she has identified exactly those.

It feels good to know one is not alone in this experience.

[Ashfiya · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book Review :

* I would give this book 4 stars out of 5 .

I have never read a memoir before. And I am so very thankful to HarperCollins India for sending this copy my way. It indeed brought back a lot of memories I had with my father before his demise. Like the incidents of a loving father-daughter relationship really left me with teary eyes. I had heard about memoirs but never actually experienced how it felt to be reading one. Reading someones deepest events in life through their very own words, as if they themselves are saying it standing behind your shoulder is really nerving.

What kept me glued to the book was it's free flowing narrative, although the author has written incidences of various time spans, it never felt like cliff-hangers. Everything was so on point and personal. It was not too much not less than what I expected.

I won't do much criticism here because saying that I fully experienced and understood the feelings of the writer would be an over-statement. It was so much more than just words expressing someone's thought. I really admired the mental strength of the author despite of going through incidents of such gravity.

The fluctuations of thoughts, emotions, relationships is what laid down in the book to name a few. It is about a relationship between a depressed yet once optimistic father and a daughter struggling to live up to her father's expectation and a lot more.

Lastly, I would like to conclude saying that I do recommend this book with all my might, because this is book something that shouldn't be missed.
Once again, Thank You so much HarperCollins India, I am very glad that I discovered this book.

Blurb : " From the aftermath of a death emerges this pioneering memoir of a daughter's difficult love for a flawed, passionate, larger-than-life father. If I Had to Tell It Again is a tapestry of conflicting memories of clinical depression, intense togetherness, mourning, healing, and the shattering of spaces between childhood and adulthood. Charting an emotional minefield with delicacy and honesty, this is a haunting story about the sort of suffering that only families can inflict and endure "

Thank You

[Surabhi Chatrapathy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Relationships, those we share with our families are particularly load bearing ones in our lives. How they build and pan out, often dictates huge aspects of our personalities.

If I had to tell it again is a memoir, where in Gayatri Prabhu explores her relationship with her father in retrospect. She revisits the grief and glory of their lives in order to understand it, accept it and let go of it.

It sounds simple, but it definitely isn't.
To let go of an abusive relationship within your family, that too of a parent is a life long battle. For there is love, as much as their is pain.
Her writing is dipped in objectivity and sorrow. It is clear in her writing that she wants her father to have lived better, made healthier choices both physically and mentally for himself and his children, but is also painfully aware that he didn't. This conflict seeps through every page in the book.

Her father's incapacity to moderate his intoxication or accept the dark drip of depression in life, not only had horrible ramification for him but also his family. His on edge personality, enriched the lives of his friends and co-workers but drove his family to exhaustion.

She remembers a father who loved her and encouraged everything about her, and a father who beat her and ignored her sister. The contrasts in his behaviour was an erosive emotional geography for her to traverse.
His struggles are real, as much as her's.
She had the support and ecosystem that empowered to get help, she wanted to build the same for her father and she tried, but in vain.

This book not only speaks to her pain, but also to her healing, her ability to forgive a problematic and loving father. This book is the final chapter in that relationship in many ways. In writing this, she gives her father the audience he always desired, she gives her pain a gateway, she gives her sister the credit she deserved and she gives herself a new, all encompassing chance at life.

[Simran · Rating 4 out of 5]

If I had to tell it again is a memoir by Gayathri Prabhu, an account of her personal life. The ingoings of her family, stories which didn't leave the four walled home and cross the street outside. The stories which remained bottled in, weighing her shoulders down. Stories not just her own, but of her sister, mother and father, the family which everybody sought as perfect. The author talks and writes about her own struggle with depression, chasing perfection while trying to live up to her father's expectations, if you're looking to somehow understand depression then this book might help you but if you're dealing with it then it might trigger you, so be wary of that. I won't lie it is sad, yet the writing style could not be more brutally honest, raw and beautiful.

The way the author depicts depression literally is beyond remarkable. It took me quite a long while to finish reading this book because it did influence my mood in many ways that is why I said it might trigger you. [Trigger Warning: Depression, sexual abuse]

So, if that is the case, read it when you know you will be around people, when you have some distractions planned and ready to deal with the aftermath.

But this memoir is so poignant in learning that each family comes with their own set of flaws, and what might look perfect to you, might be gnawing at somebody else's skin form underneath. Take the experience as a learning opportunity. And I'm in no way capable enough of judging this book.


Major Trigger Warnings for the book!

[Helly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Humans break your heart. And so do books like "If I had to Tell it Again". It is very hard to review, judge and pass my opinions on someone's memoir. Isn't it the story of the author's life? How should I judge it? I have no answer. This memoir brings to you the tale of Gayathri Prabhu's strained relationship with her depressed father. I could only imagine how the author managed to pen down a few of her most painful memories so efficiently that it almost arouses empathy from the reader.

The memoir begins right at the death of her father at the age of sixty-six, owing to cirrhosis. And then we get flashbacks, their childhood, past experiences, some happy, some intensely personal and gory. The book is sure to move you to tears at points, and I assure that it would be a depressing read that you would not be able to forget for a long time.

Life often throws the toughest challenges at us and it is acceptance that conquers all. Prabhu's Memoir gave this beautiful message to me that I will carry with me forever. The minimal cover design beautiful complements what is contained between the pages and the product makes a wholesome read all in all.

I could stand and clap for Prabhu for creating this flawless master piece I adored, and I look forward to read much more from her.

[Stuti Gupta · Rating 5 out of 5]

To the author: If I had to tell it again is not just a piece of artwork but also a labyrinth of suffering, a very personal of course-where you hold the readers’ hand and tell them – it is going to be mostly dark, but do not be afraid, I’m going to take you places, and let’s unfold this darkness together.
This book has made me feel so much, that I cannot begin to describe but here’s my attempt to review your work…
The book ‘If I had to tell it again’ is the writer’s true story where she untangles all her memories of her father and the ones related to him, the ones that occurred because of the values planted and nurtured by the writer‘s father in her. When I started reading the book, I could sense that there was a strong feeling of denial where the author wants her reader to believe that she isn’t like her father was, and through narrations, after narrations, she tries to back that fact. However, as the Book progresses, somehow, always reaching back to all the dirt and all the hurt that she had bared as a child – almost like someone has been ruminating over this for years now. The burden of being the favorite daughter of an alcoholic father, the heaviness of always tiptoeing around him, the victim of a father who trusted other men, and loaded by an ambitious man’s expectations.
This book felt like a therapeutic process for the author where she unravels each story, she breaks down details like dissecting the human brain to a point which is not humanly possible unless done through words. Every word, every sentence of this book is extremely literary, you pick up from anywhere and you’d feel like you are reading a poem or prose. I usually underline or mark the figure of speech in any book with a pencil, all the metaphors, and similes that I especially get awed by. Strangely and beautifully, most of the pages of this book have at least a couple of lines underlined on every page. I would love to share with you the ones I love the most, it’s like going back to my literature classes but I have enjoyed reading this book and these are some of the sentences I’d quote:
When talking about her father –
Always the most entertaining in a gathering, hadn’t his loneliness over the answerable, his agony over lost dreams crushing?”

For her writing process, she says
when the fiction beneath my typing fingers mined deeper sorrows”

Talking about the story that my father told over and over about a girl who was hit by a truck,
he was running through the streets with this child bleeding into his shirt, his skin”

Her writing style is so simple And yet so complex-it’s comprehensible and at the same time has layers of depth and each time you read these lines, they leave you wanting for more.
When the men were gone, the walls of our house seemed to cool down, draw apart. Like saplings cleared to breathe the air and light”



we were now hemmed in by rum soaked evenings”



Learning to catch the wind currents as one migrates within the seasons. Mine was to be a slow expedition”

For what truly matters had was that I be celebrated, and that warmth of it spread to his bones”

When speaking about a handwritten maths tables and notebook that her father wrote to her and gave her while she was six or seven,
It was labour of pure love, infused with all the hope you had in me. I still have the little book it is in tatters, and it represents pain”

Somewhere that little book is a metaphor for her memory of her relationship with her father. This book represents an emotional journey, a therapeutic and spiritual, too. To be able to tell it again or perhaps to be able to say it finally must be liberating.
You must read it!

[Nandita Krishna · Rating 5 out of 5]

For those of you who have looked into the dark barrel of depression, this one is for you. For those of you who have your narratives of suffering, recalled, replayed and dissolved into your conscience, who have heard the relentless echoes of your deepest fears unwillingly surfacing at moments of vulnerability, this one is for you. For those of you who have drowned in the dark mass of mental dehydration, who have been stuck in the loop of exhaustion and more exhaustion, whose voice feebly echoes or loudly thunders in your head, piercing and consuming you, whose voice bounces off the walls screaming to the only person who is listening. For those of you who have wished for a space to be able to relieve your demons, who have debated on seeking professional help, who have blamed yourself, your parents, your friends, your enemies, who just want to be heard, to be understood, or to just know that you are not alone, this one is for you. For those who want to hear a story they can relate to and learn from, from someone who has had the dark devil by her side for 3 years, found her friends and enemies through the journey, fought with a family unwilling to recognize the illness, been pushed to the edge to consider ending her life, been blessed by the unconditional love of a dog that saved her multiple times, this one is for you.

For those of you who have found it hard to articulate your anxieties with your family, this one is for you. For those of you who have often felt a love-hate relationship with your mother, father, siblings, this one is for you. For those of you who have often traversed the confusing spectrum of i-dont-want-to-know-you to i-would-do-anything-for-you, who have faced the rejection of safe spaces to seek sympathetic council to the scarring pain that only family can inflict, who have said things they don't mean and wished they were brave enough to say others, this one is for you. For those who have silently screened and woefully charted the lasting effects of parent's behavior, intentional or not, on their psyche and self image, who have vowed to rise above projected expectations, who have asked the universe countless times to be able to rewrite your script with your loved ones, this one is for you. For those of you who want to listen to a passionate, conflicting and turbulent story of a daughter and her father, on her journey, as an attempt to reconcile their tumultuous relationship, speaking to him, if she had to tell their story again, this one is for you.

For those of you who are tired of coming upon the finely designed lives of people that pose life as a series of smiles, parties and photo shoots, this one is for you. For those of you who are uninspired, scrolling through your news feed, coming upon perfect picture upon perfect picture, questioning the ideal arrangement of twirls and twinkles and the refused recognition of the refined roles of edit, crop and photoshop, this one is for you. For those of you who often ponder, in this age of social media and filters and selfie sticks, if there is a frame that is dedicatedly driven to capturing the ubiquitous unknown, unsure and imperfect streams of thoughts that flow through each one of us, who have sometimes wondered how the world would be without a backspace, then maybe we could encounter endless stories of a kind that are raw, exposed and uninhibited, shared for the pure sake of truthful telling, in the place of shiny, sugarcoated stories with a shelf life for the sake of likes, thumbs ups and retweets, this one is for you. For those of you who want to hear a story that delivers a real, unfiltered, unapologetic and unnerving rendition of the most trying and testing times in her life, that shows the importance of unveiling the unsaid and unleashing the untold, this one is for you.

[Priskylla Anindya · Rating 4 out of 5]

[⭐𝟰.𝟱/𝟱]
⚠️𝗧𝗪: 𝗰𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝗱𝗲𝗽𝗿𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗼𝗻, 𝘀𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗮𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗴𝗵𝘁𝘀, 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗵 & 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗻, 𝗮𝗹𝗰𝗼𝗵𝗼𝗹𝗶𝘀𝗺 & 𝗮𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿, 𝘁𝗿𝗮𝘂𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗰 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗱
-𝘗𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦-

💔🧔🏻👧🏻I don't know why I love reading memoirs lately, I think I can get new insights and new perspectives from memoirs. This is one of the most triggering, heartbreaking, and complicated memoirs I've read. I was interested in reading this memoir because it deals with mental health issues. At first, I thought it was just a story about how the author struggled with clinical depression she experienced like most stories of depression survivors in general. But it turned out that I was wrong, this memoir was dark and brutal, and it could trigger some traumatic events in my past. There were many of the author's stories that triggered me so much that I couldn't breathe well and I needed to take a break from reading this book several times, especially regarding the childhood and the author's relationship with her father.

💔🩹The author's father was an abusive alcoholic man who demanded that the writer must be who he wanted to be. Then her father experienced complications because of alcoholism that led to depression and made him always want to end his life. The harsh and abusive treatment from her father made the author have a childhood full of traumatic events which made her also experience clinical depression and it made her want to end her life several times too. Sometimes talking about mental health problems is taboo, moreover realizing and acknowledging that there's something wrong with the soul or experiencing psychological problems is difficult and embarrassing. But I am so proud of the author because she was aware and dared to admit that there was something wrong with her, that she is depressed and needed physical and psychological help. One of my favorite parts in this book was the conversations between shadows (representation of the voice of the author's thoughts/feelings), a woman (representation of the author), and a man (representation of the author's father), where this conversation can be said to describe the dynamics experienced by the author, how she struggled to overcome the depression she experienced. I got a lot of insight from their conversations, such as suicide won't relieve the pain but could make things worse, and feeling weak and seeking help is normal and not excessive.

✨💫From this memoir we can see that unfinished business in the past could bring problems in the future, therefore we need to resolve and make peace with the past, especially if we want to start a new life in a marriage. We also need to learn to have the right coping strategies that don't harm ourselves and the people we love about. And an important point that I want to highlight is that it's okay not to be okay, it's okay to admit that you're not feeling mentally well and you need professional help. Seeking help doesn't make us weak, it shows us that we are brave people, strong people, and people who want to continue to be better versions of ourselves.

[Sarmistha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you #HarperCollinsIndia for the review copy.

Memoirs never comes the easy way and I am no one to judge it. The knotted emotions in a daughter's heart found their way to the world through her pen.
This memoir is saga of triumph of a daughter against the vagaries of her life,a strained daughter - father relationship,a depressed father who lived in denial,a sister who is the only support and a wife who quivered under the shadow of her mercurial husband.

Memoir starts with the death of author's father owing to liver cirrhosis. The reader view a dead father through the eyes of a victimized daughter. A daughter who lost her childhood to overburdening expectation of a failed father, he forced her to grow up before she was supposed to. Her father wanted to live in the glory of her success but never taught her how to deal with failures.The author has talked about serious issues like child abuse and domestic violence which often remain hidden under the curtain of shame and modesty.She has talked about depression,how it engulfed her,her admittance and her battle to recovery.
Chinna was her constant companion in the difficult time.They shared a wonderful understanding.Being a dog person I could easily relate to their bonding and Chinna's undulating devotion towards her.

Only boundless gratitude can begin to comprehend this gift lying in my lap, this gift of life and love.

The language is augmented with rich vocabulary which makes it a great reading experience. The author is undoubtedly a wordsmith.The way she wrote left in awe.The plot is rich and flow is great.Her writing is unvarnished and engaging.Being a first born to a volatile father I could easily identify with many situations.It was a emotionally exhaustive read for me. I could not read it in one sitting.But learnt a great deal from this.

A huge applause to the Gayathri Prabhu for writing this beautiful piece ,it takes a brave heart to write such crude version. I loved the minimalistic cover and the engaging prologue.

Few lines from the memoir which I loved-

Birth is accidental,death inevitable
Between birth and death, a life of worry
And yet this desire to live, till the end.

Chinna learnt to sleep when G slept,woke the instant she did, licked her face when she cried, shadowed her every step,countering human bleakness with animal warmth.She willed G to life.

I loved reading the book and will surely read it again. I will recommend the book to anyone who is ready to go through a emotional roller caster journey as it may drive you to tears at some points.