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The Family of Adoption: Completely Revised and Updated
Full of wonderful stories that give insight into a wide variety of adoption issues, now revised in light of recent developments, The Family of Adoption is a powerful argument for the right kind of openness in adoption. Joyce Maguire Pavao uses her thirty years of experience as a family and adoption therapist to explain to adoptive parents, birthparents, adult adopted people, and extended family, as well as to those who work with children professionally the developmental stages and challenges one can expect in the life of the adopted person.
The Family of Adoption is truly the most insightful and healing book on the adoption shelf.
The Family of Adoption is truly the most insightful and healing book on the adoption shelf.
160 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1998
6 people are currently reading
195 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews
April 5, 2008
This is very self-serving, but I was told it is good to sell books this way!! It's also not a bad book!! If I do say so myself.
July 16, 2012
If my parents could have read only one book on adoption,"The Family of Adoption" is the one I would have chosen for them. It stated my truth as an adopted child in a way that I had never been able to articulate to them, and addressed some painful issues: identity, secrecy, connection, divided loyalties, and loss, that distinguish families created through adoption from biologically-related families. It is written with consideration and compassion for all members of the adoption circle, although with an admitted bias in favor of the adopted child, towards finding the best home for every child in need of one. It’s a little book- 144 pages including the acknowledgment section- a quick read. If you are contemplating adoption, or you are part of a family created by adoption, you should read this book.
Through the presentation of the individual adoption stories of birth parents, adoptive parents and adopted children (from early childhood through young adulthood) the author discusses dynamics unique to adoptive families. While conflicts inevitably arise in virtually all families during a child’s teenage years, adoptive parents may entertain the fantasy that their biological children would never act in such a dismaying manner. Adopted children are sure their birth parents would be “cool,” very different from their adoptive parents. “In adoptive families, the additional problem is that there are many ghosts in the room.”(p.73) The “ghosts” may be painful to consider but awareness of their existence is an important step in working through the conflicts, towards a happier family.
Dr. Pavao, a renowned therapist in the field of adoption, is also an adoptee who searched for and found her birth mother. She described it as one of the most healing events of her life. Regardless of how loving and functional the adoptive family may be, and irrespective of why a child was relinquished by or removed from his or her birth family, an adopted child’s family of origin matters to that child. “I believe there’s no such thing as “termination” in the relationship between children and their birth families. Even if the birth parents die, it’s not “over.” By creating a ritual based on the pretense that the relationship has ended, the child’s internal reality is at odds with the external one.” (p. 97).
In her epilogue, Dr. Pavao focuses on adoption in the broader context of our society. She has come up with many concrete suggestions for systems changes and for increased professional competence in the adoption field. In addition to those members of adoptive families (or those who relinquished a child), it should be required reading for everyone who works in the field of adoption in any capacity. Professionals who facilitate and, or support adoptions, through counseling, psychotherapy or education, or who are involved in termination of parental rights cases, or who legislate the rights of members of the adoption circle should all read it. Everyone whose life has been touched by adoption should read this book.
Through the presentation of the individual adoption stories of birth parents, adoptive parents and adopted children (from early childhood through young adulthood) the author discusses dynamics unique to adoptive families. While conflicts inevitably arise in virtually all families during a child’s teenage years, adoptive parents may entertain the fantasy that their biological children would never act in such a dismaying manner. Adopted children are sure their birth parents would be “cool,” very different from their adoptive parents. “In adoptive families, the additional problem is that there are many ghosts in the room.”(p.73) The “ghosts” may be painful to consider but awareness of their existence is an important step in working through the conflicts, towards a happier family.
Dr. Pavao, a renowned therapist in the field of adoption, is also an adoptee who searched for and found her birth mother. She described it as one of the most healing events of her life. Regardless of how loving and functional the adoptive family may be, and irrespective of why a child was relinquished by or removed from his or her birth family, an adopted child’s family of origin matters to that child. “I believe there’s no such thing as “termination” in the relationship between children and their birth families. Even if the birth parents die, it’s not “over.” By creating a ritual based on the pretense that the relationship has ended, the child’s internal reality is at odds with the external one.” (p. 97).
In her epilogue, Dr. Pavao focuses on adoption in the broader context of our society. She has come up with many concrete suggestions for systems changes and for increased professional competence in the adoption field. In addition to those members of adoptive families (or those who relinquished a child), it should be required reading for everyone who works in the field of adoption in any capacity. Professionals who facilitate and, or support adoptions, through counseling, psychotherapy or education, or who are involved in termination of parental rights cases, or who legislate the rights of members of the adoption circle should all read it. Everyone whose life has been touched by adoption should read this book.
October 26, 2010
At this point in our adoption process I have read many of the kind of adoption "how to" books. I thought this one would be no different, but I was wrong. I read this book in a single sitting. It was easy to read, perhaps because not much of the actual information was new to me, but rather presented in a rhetoric I enjoyed and appreciated. The stories were what made this book for me. I cried with almost every one of them; tears of happiness and sadness. I would recommend this book to anyone associated with adoption. It would be a really good read for extended family members of those going through adoption.
One of the new things I hadn't thought of before this book was the idea that people that are adopted into families where there aren't birth children may not have experienced birth. Obviously they, themselves were born, but there usually aren't photos (in international adoption) to document the event. If other children are adopted into the same family, they also were obviously not born into the family. Unless birth is directly observed in some way, adoptees may have a difficult time conceptualizing birth. Young children need to know they were created in the same way as everyone else. Everyone deserves a story of their birth.
There were a lot of quotables in this book for me.
"The most healthy adoptive family are the ones in which there is acknowledgement of difference." Many people have told me that adoptive families are no different than any other family. I personally don't believe this. I think on a daily basis we probably won't consider the fact that our child is adopted. But it's important to also recognize the differences. Especially in our case, the differences in race. Others will notice and it's important for all of us to know how to respond.
"There is a great deal of loss in adoption and feeling of loss often manifest themselves as anger. People from the outside, see adoption as a very positive occasion, and in fact, it is. The birth parents and the adoptive parents, however, have most often gone through a great deal of loss and sadness to get to an adoption decision, and that loss and sadness is passed on directly or indirectly to the child as an underlying fact of adoption. We have learned in recent years that it does not help the child in the long run to disguise the reality of any situation; that it is better to tell the truths and to help the child learn to cope with them." I agree with this completely. The paradox of adoption is not an easy thing for those outside the process to understand, but that doesn't mean it should be brushed under the rug or ignored.
The final sentence is great: "We cannot suppress the human need to be connected". Yes!
I guess the only thing I would criticize about the book is the overwhelming focus on birth family search and reunion. It was an overarching theme throughout the book and although it's important, it was a little too much.
One of the new things I hadn't thought of before this book was the idea that people that are adopted into families where there aren't birth children may not have experienced birth. Obviously they, themselves were born, but there usually aren't photos (in international adoption) to document the event. If other children are adopted into the same family, they also were obviously not born into the family. Unless birth is directly observed in some way, adoptees may have a difficult time conceptualizing birth. Young children need to know they were created in the same way as everyone else. Everyone deserves a story of their birth.
There were a lot of quotables in this book for me.
"The most healthy adoptive family are the ones in which there is acknowledgement of difference." Many people have told me that adoptive families are no different than any other family. I personally don't believe this. I think on a daily basis we probably won't consider the fact that our child is adopted. But it's important to also recognize the differences. Especially in our case, the differences in race. Others will notice and it's important for all of us to know how to respond.
"There is a great deal of loss in adoption and feeling of loss often manifest themselves as anger. People from the outside, see adoption as a very positive occasion, and in fact, it is. The birth parents and the adoptive parents, however, have most often gone through a great deal of loss and sadness to get to an adoption decision, and that loss and sadness is passed on directly or indirectly to the child as an underlying fact of adoption. We have learned in recent years that it does not help the child in the long run to disguise the reality of any situation; that it is better to tell the truths and to help the child learn to cope with them." I agree with this completely. The paradox of adoption is not an easy thing for those outside the process to understand, but that doesn't mean it should be brushed under the rug or ignored.
The final sentence is great: "We cannot suppress the human need to be connected". Yes!
I guess the only thing I would criticize about the book is the overwhelming focus on birth family search and reunion. It was an overarching theme throughout the book and although it's important, it was a little too much.
April 18, 2013
If you have doubts about whether you should search for your child’s birthfamily or have any questions about how or if to tell your child about some difficult aspect of their past, you must read The Family of Adoption by Joyce Maguire Pavao, who is a family and adoption therapist and an adoptee herself. The book is very accessible and insightful. It examines the reality of adoption from the point of view of every member of the Triad (birthfamily, adoptive family, child) and also looks at how adoptees understand and deal with adoption at each major developmental stage. It explains the important distinction between mothers/fathers and parents. Our children may have multiple mothers and fathers, but we are their only parents. The book contains a wonderful poem that the author wrote for adoptive parents. It is one of the most beautiful that I have ever read.
March 17, 2018
This is a great book, that explains all the long-term emotional issues surrounding an adoption - being it that of the birth parents, the adoptee, the adoptive parents, the extended family, and friends or the future generations.
The book explains and suggests different ways to create an openness about these feelings in the adoptive family and how to talk about them in a way that makes the conversation about adoption and feelings of loss a natural part of the adoptive family's life. It also includes a lot of case-stories from Mrs. Joyce Maguire Pavao's 30 years of experience working with adoptive families. These stories highlight some of the various ways that adoptive families struggle and overcome issues related adoption at different stages of the adoptee's life.
The book explains and suggests different ways to create an openness about these feelings in the adoptive family and how to talk about them in a way that makes the conversation about adoption and feelings of loss a natural part of the adoptive family's life. It also includes a lot of case-stories from Mrs. Joyce Maguire Pavao's 30 years of experience working with adoptive families. These stories highlight some of the various ways that adoptive families struggle and overcome issues related adoption at different stages of the adoptee's life.
February 17, 2022
I’ve been processing the fact that I was adopted at birth since last May when I received my DNA results. This book was recently recommended by a friend when I told her my story and I’m so thankful she introduced it to me. I may never have answers to the many questions about my genetic parents though this book has helped address some feelings that I’ve always had, including feelings I had as a child.
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December 4, 2020This was my favorite textbook of the semester. Pavao is a genius and it's great to get these perspectives for class. I also thought the case studies that were picked were perfect. Listen to me, being all corny!
March 16, 2019
This book has a lot to unpack, so I'd recommend reading it along with others so you have people to discuss with.
June 17, 2019
Great book, loved the case examples.
April 8, 2009
This book was a quick read and very thorough on the subject. Although this might be a more useful resource to other adoptive parents, it didn't offer a ton of insights for our family. I suppose I knew many of the basics that she covered, so I skimmed quite a bit. There is a chance that Tate is still just too young for some of these ideas, but at times I thought it was filling my head with "possible" issues that might come up. However, I have skimmed other books on adoption that approached the issue with more of a "scare" tactic. I am not sure I want to fill my head with these things that at this point. Also, it seems a good number of the stories presented were relating to closed adoptions, which is not our situation. We have very sweet, open adoptions with our two birthmothers. There were two thoughts that caught my attention. One, "the most healthy adoptive family are the ones in which there is acknowledgement of difference." I suppose I never thought of trying to make it seem like we were the "same" as other families, everyone is different, and the way God brought our family together is just that, the way God knew was best for us! But the idea caught my attention nonetheless. Another section that I thought was interesting is that "There is a great deal of loss in adoption and feeling of loss often manifest themselves as anger....The birth parents and the adoptive parents, however, have most often gone through a great deal of loss and sadness to get to an adoption decision, and that loss and sadness is passed on directly or indirectly to the child as an underlying fact of adoption." Something to keep in mind I suppose for later.
January 11, 2013
Page 6: "I believe we learn bat when we are moved intellectually and emotionally."
Page 19: "Privacy in adoption is, I think, a different matter. People need to have boundaries. They need to use discretion in what they talk about and with whom they talk. Secrecy is when things about you are kept from you. Privacy is when you choose to whom you want to tell things about yourself."
Page 28: "The adoptive parents have to be aware that their attitude toward the country of origin will eventually affect the child's sense of identiy and self-esteem. ..... Just as the birth and adoptive parents must have a positive regard for each other, the adoptive child's parents must work to understand and communicate the positive special aspects of their child's country of origin."
Page 35: "Some relationships take more work than others, and it is the job of the adult -the parent- to work on this attachment process."
Page 49: "U like the traditional family tree assignment, the family orchard allows children to show the numerous trees that contributed to their being. ... The family orchard helps to acknowledge what the child essentially knows: there is another mother and father even if they are not the parents. They are there. They are real."
Page 76: "It is a human need to know as much as we can about who we are."
Page 111: "We all search for ourselves in various ways. We visit the ancestral lands and homes of our grandparents. We look within us and around us to find out who we are and what our purpose is. This is true for everyone."
Page 19: "Privacy in adoption is, I think, a different matter. People need to have boundaries. They need to use discretion in what they talk about and with whom they talk. Secrecy is when things about you are kept from you. Privacy is when you choose to whom you want to tell things about yourself."
Page 28: "The adoptive parents have to be aware that their attitude toward the country of origin will eventually affect the child's sense of identiy and self-esteem. ..... Just as the birth and adoptive parents must have a positive regard for each other, the adoptive child's parents must work to understand and communicate the positive special aspects of their child's country of origin."
Page 35: "Some relationships take more work than others, and it is the job of the adult -the parent- to work on this attachment process."
Page 49: "U like the traditional family tree assignment, the family orchard allows children to show the numerous trees that contributed to their being. ... The family orchard helps to acknowledge what the child essentially knows: there is another mother and father even if they are not the parents. They are there. They are real."
Page 76: "It is a human need to know as much as we can about who we are."
Page 111: "We all search for ourselves in various ways. We visit the ancestral lands and homes of our grandparents. We look within us and around us to find out who we are and what our purpose is. This is true for everyone."
June 17, 2016
This book is great for giving parents, professionals, and other adults who care for foster or adoptive kids a sympathetic view of what these children are going through. It has helped me get terminology and a more patient and peaceful outlook for children in my family who are in this situation. My only issue with this book is that there isn't much recognition given to how extreme and difficult the behaviors of placed children can be. It should be recognized that even though adopted children or foster children have a great loss, that at some point they need to take responsibility for their actions as most everyone has a great loss in their lives. Everyone needs to confront what isn't fair, kind or lovely and decide to make a good life for themselves and others even if it seems impossible at first. This is definitely a greAt book for gaining passion and understanding, but there isn't much help in what to do for difficult situations when blending families, adding to families, or subtracting from families. Overall I loved this book and find it to be incredibly valuable in parenting my children. I guess I just wish it was longer and tackled more issues.
January 18, 2010
This book offers an excellent overview of the development of adopted individuals and potential issues that may emerge through each of these developmental stages. The author also offers insight into the experience of birth parents, a perspective that is absent from many adoption books. Much of adoption literature is focused primarily on adoptive parents, but Pavao advocates first and foremost for children, arguing that the system of adoption should focus on finding "families for children" rather than "children for families."
One of the best things about the book is Pavao's stories, woven throughout each chapter. As an adoption therapist and consultant with years of experience, Pavao shares valuable perspective through the narratives of birthmothers, adult adoptees, adoptive parents, and children with whom she worked.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone wishing to better understand adoption. It is a quick read (I read it in one afternoon), and definitely worth your time.
One of the best things about the book is Pavao's stories, woven throughout each chapter. As an adoption therapist and consultant with years of experience, Pavao shares valuable perspective through the narratives of birthmothers, adult adoptees, adoptive parents, and children with whom she worked.
I would highly recommend this book to anyone wishing to better understand adoption. It is a quick read (I read it in one afternoon), and definitely worth your time.
September 11, 2010
This is one of the few adoption books we borrowed from the library and now fully intend to purchase. Both my husband and I found this book provided us with a good survey of issues in adoption and gave us some clear guidance on how to approach thinking about how adoption could influence our future child's life in both expected and unexpected (to us at least) ways. If I had a magic wand and could change the book any way I liked, there is one part I would modify: near the end of the book, Pavao introduces the Hawaiian custom of hanai. The description of this custom put into words a conceptual framework for open adoption that we had been struggling to verbalize in our own discussions. It just made so much damn sense that after I read that section I put down the book for a bit and just sat on the couch blinking and thinking. My magic wand would move that discussion up near the front of the book.
November 26, 2012
Pavoa uses many stories throughout her book to move the reader – intellectually and emotionally. We learned much about how our children will need to keep a connection to their birth mother and their birth country (even if they don’t admit it), and how to appropriately discuss these things with our children as they grow. This book also includes good information regarding the various challenges children will be presented with at different developmental stages.
This well researched book was a required read for us in order to complete our service plan implemented by our adoption agency; we were also required to buy copies of it for our extended family members. This book was a very important read; we will recommend it to other preadoptive parents.
This well researched book was a required read for us in order to complete our service plan implemented by our adoption agency; we were also required to buy copies of it for our extended family members. This book was a very important read; we will recommend it to other preadoptive parents.
October 23, 2008
A really informative read about adoption from a variety of perspectives. The author has many many years of experience in knowing, counselling and helping people involved in adoption from birth parents to adoptees to adoptive parents. She gives amazing insight into different real stories and presents everything in a very readable narrative. Excellent resource.
July 25, 2009
An excellent, easy read. The stories interspersed with discussion of the different developmental milestones of adoption are really engaging and thought provoking. What makes this a more unique book is that Pavao covers not just the adopted kids but the birth family, foster family and adoptive parents and the issues they face. I read the 1999 version and need to buy the update.
February 1, 2013
I really wanted to like this book. I enjoyed the case studies and thought many of these examples were helpful. However, the overall tone of the book was a bit patronizing in a way that I think may be offensive to some families. I wouldn't recommend this book to any family I work with without some caveat.
December 22, 2010
This book really contributed to my understanding of the challenges, feelings and emotions experienced by all those affected by adoption--birth parents, adoptive parents, adoptees--as well as strategies for dealing with those challenges. I'd recommend this as a solid introduction to adoption.
February 21, 2014
This is a short book but it contains so much wisdom. The author has both personal and professional experience with adoption. The book is very insightful and considers adoption from all the perspectives -- birthparents, adoptive parents and adoptees.
January 17, 2016
The best book on adoption I have read!
This is by far the most insightful, informative, and encouraging book I have found to date. Thank you for the specific attention to kinship adoption, and honoring open , ongoing relationships.
This is by far the most insightful, informative, and encouraging book I have found to date. Thank you for the specific attention to kinship adoption, and honoring open , ongoing relationships.
April 5, 2008
This is dedicated to me - what is not to like?
September 25, 2008
Very moving. Every time I think I've learned all there is to learn in adoption, I learn a whole bunch more.
April 6, 2013
Great book full of real life examples; stories you can easily apply to your own foundations and beliefs. Easy read.
December 5, 2014
a compassionate, thoughtful, modern exploration of adoption, specifically focusing on the psychological aspects -- from the adoptive parents', adoptive children's, and birth parents' points of view.
July 30, 2013
Of the 10-12 books I own on this topic as an Adoptee, this is in my top 5.
Displaying 1 - 27 of 27 reviews