Nina Here Nor There: My Journey Beyond Gender

by Nick Krieger

Honor Book for the 2012 Stonewall Book Awards in non-fiction 

The next-generation Stone Butch Blues--a contemporary memoir of gender awakening and a classic tale of first love and self-discovery.

Ambitious, sporty, feminine “capital-L lesbians” had been Nina Krieger’s type, for friends that is.  She hadn’t dated in seven years, a period of non-stop traveling—searching for what, or avoiding what, she didn’t know. When she lands in San Francisco’s Castro neighborhood, her roommates introduce her to a whole new world, full of people who identify as queer, who modify their bodies and blur the line between woman and man, who defy everything Nina thought she knew about gender and identity. Despite herself, Nina is drawn to the people she once considered freaks, and before long, she is forging a path that is neither man nor woman, here nor there. This candid and humorous memoir of gender awakening brings readers into the world of the next generation of transgender warriors and tells a classic tale of first love and self-discovery.

Genres: Queer, Memoir, Nonfiction, LGBT, Gender, Transgender, Biography Memoir

216 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2011

About the author

A native of New York, Nick Krieger realized at the age of twenty-one that he’d been born on the wrong coast, a malady he corrected by transitioning to San Francisco. His writing has earned several travel-writing awards and has been published in multiple travel guides. He aspires to be a stay-at-home dad (with or without kids), and spends his time practicing yoga, eating cereal, and queering all that he can. He holds an MFA from the University of San Francisco.

Reviews

[A.J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gender's not as black and white as you think.

For those not as in the know, transgender refers to the experience of having been born biologically one sex but identifying mentally (and often physically) as another. This book is equal parts memoir and journey into the world of gender identity, from the point of view of Nina Krieger, a female-born individual who begins exploring her (now his) gender identity in her late 20s and early 30s, eventually coming to the conclusion that she prefers masculine pronouns to feminine and needs to take steps to transition for her own comfort and peace of mind. This includes a name change to Nick, hence the author's name in the byline.

I've seen comments about Nick Krieger's privileged background as it relates to his transition in other reviews. Perhaps due to my own privileged background, I don't see this as much of a negative. On the contrary, I think Nick addresses privilege (including his own) well throughout the book and fits it into the story as much as is possible to show where he came from in terms of familial background and where he ultimately ends up by book's end.

Where I think this book truly stands out however is the depiction of what some might consider a late-term realization of gender identity. It brings to light the fact that not all transgender individuals knew they were transgender when they were children, either because the social environment in which they were raised wasn't optimal for it or simply as a result of not connecting the dots until later on in life. This certainly doesn't invalidate those who know early on, but rather gives readers a glimpse of those of us who took more time getting defining our identities in terms of gender, or who might still be defining them to this day.

Krieger's writing style is superb. It's difficult for me to really make an impartial judgment call on just how much of an emotional impact his writing is, since I personally identified with a lot of what he was going through and have a father I view as very similar in personality to Nick's. What I can say is that the scenes in which Nick is trying to level with his father about his own identity, only to be met with disbelief and even mild hostility, really shook me to my emotional core. Part of it is likely my relation to the situation, yes. I think another part is just how masterfully Nick captured the scenes.

In fact, the only parts I didn't particularly identify with (and, as a consequence, didn't find myself really enjoying) were the liberal mentions of sex, drug use, and wealth among Nick's friends and acquaintances. Yet I think it's essential that some of those scenes were included, because transgender people don't exist in a vacuum. They don't always go through their exploration of identity on their own, although I do think many readers who don't live in San Francisco's liberal and permissive Castro neighborhood will really be able to relate to the seemingly constant discussions of gender, preferred pronouns, and queer and feminist theory that were portrayed quite often.

There are a small handful of books that depict transgender individuals coming out as teenagers in high school (see: Luna for male-to-female and Parrotfish for female-to-male, both fictional), but I've seen far fewer books depicting adult gender identity discoveries and coming out stories. That's why this book is so incredibly important a piece of literature to add to the queer section of any bookstore (if one of those sections even exists in the first place).

Ultimately, I found this to be a fantastic, informative read.

[Katy Jean Vance · Rating 3 out of 5]

***A note on pronouns: the author explains that in the book she is Nina, after the book he is Nick. Therefore I will use she to refer to the main character of the book and he to refer to Nick, the author of the book.***

I have some pretty complex feelings about this book. I liked it for what I learned about trans identity and the process of identifying yourself as trans. But I was frustrated by what I felt was the author's... I don't know... self-centeredness? It is a memoir, but I appreciate memoirs with a little more self-reflection. There was one scene in the book where Nina is getting desperately angry at her brother for not being more understanding of her desire to be a boy and more knowledgeable about the differences between sexuality and gender. Perhaps I should be more generous and more understanding, but I really felt she came across as a petulant, spoiled child in this and a few other portions of the book. She recognizes later on that she should have been more patient, but it was a case of too little, too late for me as a reader. To be fair, I would hate to have a spotlight turned on every moment of my life, but I'm not the one writing a memoir.

I think what it comes down to is that I didn't personally care for Nina the individual. But the writing was well done, and it is certainly educational. I would recommend this book to individuals interested in learning more about trans issues and lifestyle or who enjoy reading memoirs. Also, I think that in a world where trans people are slowly (but with great difficulty) getting the recognition and legal respect they deserve, Nick should be applauded for being willing to share his story and further the work for acceptance. Just recently an acquaintance told me that they are "working on their acceptance" of trans persons, which was a comment that bothered me in many different ways. I suggested (as kindly as possible) that they do a little more reading about trans identity and the trans lifestyle in order to learn more about it, as knowledge is power. In the end, just as people tend to be more accepting of lgbtq people as they encounter them as individuals rather than ideas, trans persons will also encounter more acceptance with more visibility. This memoir is one step in this process of acceptance.

[Simon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Sat in Barnes and Noble for a few hours and read this. It was okay, I guess. A quick and easy read, moved smoothly, etc. Written well enough.

Kind of about rich white boy problems...I mean the narrator acknowledges his privilege but it's never a point of departure for deeper analysis or thought about how all that's working/intersecting. As a simple transition story, it's fine, and thank gawd it challenges the Standard Trans* Narrative (TM). But I just didn't think it had anything new to offer in terms of depth.

I guess ultimately I just don't really get why this was published; it reads like the journal of a random trans kid, and a fairly engaging one, but I get more from reading (a broader variety of) trans folks' journals online.

Maybe it's just too low on the "could I have written this?" scale of measuring literary quality for me to appreciate.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think I liked this. I was curious about transgender because it's something mysterious to me. I've known transgender people but have never been so close that I understood their sexuality or other things. After reading this memoir, I still have questions but realize each situation can be different: the level of modification people take on to pronoun preference to identifying hetero- or homosexual. The book did end quite abruptly, and I'd love to read a sequel.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. Though I grew up in lesbian & queer culture & worlds at much the same time as the author, there was also much here that was new to me -- delightfully so. I'm grateful for the incredible honesty with which this book was written.

[Jane · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very important story for understanding diverse experiences of gender. Not well written. Very important story.

[Mk · Rating 4 out of 5]

Stick with it. It gets better as it goes. Nice to read a trans narrative that is less binary than the stories often told.

[Tamar · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't expect to like this book so much, especially because of the cover text that felt a bit like being trans or non binary would be treated as some kind of frivolous thing. I mean, just the word "body modification"... But cover texts are usually not written by the author, and the book itself had the right tone for me.

I'm a cis woman who intimitally knows about trans stuff from relationships, but the non binary experience still feels far away to me. This book really helped me make me more familiar with it - something I don't need to respect it, but I like understanding it better anyway. I really liked how Nick writes about the way his trans experience defies the standard trans narrative. It gave me so many thoughts and insights.

I also found the memoir interesting as a time document. It's published about ten years ago and probably refers to a time period even longer ago, and so incredibly much has changed since then in the trans community. For example, it's very clear that in this book, trans women were no part of the gay girl scene, nor was there any contact between them and the trans masculine folks in this book. Trans feminine folks are completely absent. And there were conversations in which it seems as though one has to choose between being "politically female" and thus feminist and being a somewhat chauvinistic trans guy, as if there's no other possibilities. It's the trans masculine/gay girl culture that Julia Serrano critiques in her book Whipping Girl and I'm so glad that trans culture is now so much more appreciative of both trans masc AND femme identities, that queer girl culture is more open to trans women, and that there seems to be more of an understanding that it's possible to be a feminist trans guy.

[Ulrich · Rating 5 out of 5]

There aren't that many books written by non-binary authors (that are entirely about being non-binary) We have Kate Bornstein and maybe Mattilda Sycamore (though I think Matt mostly edits anthologies)

This is by a younger author, it's fairly new and is the first non-binary assigned-female-at-birth author I have found. In nonfic anyway, Lizard Radio is a YA fiction by and about an AFAB non-binary person.

And, it's really, really good. Nick has a lot of practice writing, apparently he's one of those annoying well-educated white travel hacker types. The ones with rich parents who paid for everything their wholes lives and still bail them out when they need well into adulthood. Anyway, he has a lot of practice writing engaging prose.

What's really cool about this book is that he wrote it in such a way as to bring you along on his journey rather than constantly commenting about what he would later learn while telling you the story. Instead the story is told like a novel, you stay in the character's head and he doesn't repeatedly spoil the headspace by dropping in updates from ten years later or telling you what PC thing he has since learned. You learn about it when he does. Though to be honest I did appreciate it when Janet Mock in Redefining Realness did the exact opposite, but that was only because she provided hard facts, specific numbers, and cited her sources.

Reading a transition story by anybody who doesn't have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (just guessing, I don't believe there is an official diagnosis) is refreshing after reading Chaz Bono's ghostwritten pukefest.

My point is, READ IT. It's unlike anything else on the market.

[Homewood Library · Rating 4 out of 5]

#spoileralert This book will cause you to experience book-hangover when done.

That said this an amazing memoir. The writing is beautiful, the journey is insightful and the conclusion is everything. The memoir details Nina’s understanding of LGTBQ+ terminology while highlighting for the reader how each journey is unique. I was especially impressed by the boundaries he put in place with his father and how his mother rose to the occasion. By the end of the book, the reader is made to see that human beings have more in common then we do differences. I highly recommend this memoir.

- Miss Kym

[Kym · Rating 4 out of 5]

#spoileralert this book will cause you to experience Book hangover when done. That said this an amazing memoir. The writing is beautiful, the journey is insightful and the conclusion is everything. The memoir details Nina’s understanding of LGTBQ+ terminology while highlighting for the reader how each journey is unique. I was especially impressed by the boundaries he put in place with his father and how his mother rose to the occasion. By the end of the book, the reader is made to see that human beings have more in common then we do differences. I highly recommend this memoir.

[Casey Anne]

I first read this book when it came out and I felt seen. I still feel seen when I read it and I have read it multiple times. I use it in my Gender & Creativity, and Transgender Studies courses because while situated in a particular temporal context, Krieger's book still deepens understandings about trans lives in a way that my students benefit from, and it is a beautiful piece to show how writing can be an avenue for exploring gender and gendered experiences.

[Virgowriter (Brad Windhauser) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Engaging, well-written account of this person’s experiencing moving away from a female-oriented identity to a new one constructed through her experiences and desires. By mainstream society’s guidelines, he’s now “a man,” but his story shows inadequate our thoughts on gender are limited and potentially damaging for people’s whose sense of self doesn’t fit into a tidy box.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t suppose this book was written as a guide to the clueless but for me, who knew nothing, I thought it was terrific. I learned a lot about both trans and about non-binary. Still I would probably be reluctant to share anything I think I learned for the risk of sounding stupid or being offensive but I think I would now, maybe, ask better questions.

[Darlene Stericker · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very well articulated book which explains Nick's extensive soul searching leading to a rational view of himself and his actions. I applaud his decision to have top surgery yet still see himself as non-binary.

[Simon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Painful at times, mostly for my proximity to his world at a similar age yet distance from it. Wanting his surety, his confidence at that age (from background, wealth, sports, whatever) even as I am grateful that I was not part of it. Appreciate the questions asked.

[Molly · Rating 5 out of 5]

do u ever just, crisis?





mood


goodnight my friends

[Kevix Mark · Rating 4 out of 5]

A nice read about the thoughts of someone dealing with gender identity issues as a lesbian and who is considering top surgery

[Dani · Rating 5 out of 5]

chapter 1 - They would be there all night; they always were, their gatherings like the San Francisco monoseason—sixty degrees and partly cloudy with a chance of wind and fog—comfortable and easy, so predictable and unchanging as to be suffocating.

chapter 4 - The meaning was mine, as long as I was with those who had the vision and vocabulary to understand my creation

chapter 5 - but the weight I’d anticipated replaced a visceral emptiness that seemed more tangible now that it had been filled.

chapter 7 - I touched her cheek. Her skin was so smooth, untainted by life, yet there was something old and wise inside. I thought about smell chemistry, previous lives, cosmic ties, all the mysterious reasons people connect, everything that defied the explanations I craved. Despite myself, I liked her.

chapter 8 - Eating my dinner alone, I listened for the din of teenagers, their bursts of laughter, and felt my own loss and regret for all the fun I’d missed.

chapter 8 - But mostly, I wondered what it would take for me to forgive him and let go of my anger.

chapter 8 - We shot the shit or kept quiet, which allowed him to project the version of me he kept in his head without the rude interruption of my actual self, and allowed me to hold on to our tranquil stalemate as the best connection I could have with my dad.

chapter 9 - Without a job to delineate the day of the week, nothing other than rain to separate the months, and a location that only shifted rooms within Ramona’s house, everything blended together for me during those nesting months. Even our discussions merged, as if they were part of one large conversation that shaped my boyhood.

chapter 9 - On top of the pile, a red Post-it Note grabbed my attention. The large black lettering read: “I’m grateful for having had the chance to love you.” Before I even noticed, a few drops had fallen from my eyes, splattering big wet splotches onto her note. The grace of her words, her sense of appreciation during this hard time, encompassed everything that had drawn me to her, all that I was devastated to lose.

chapter 9 - none of us were the same people we once were.

chapter 9 - “Good-bye,” I said aloud, as if signifying the end could make it easier to let go.

chapter 9 - I returned to class, eager to forget what my body looked like and experience the sensations of being inside of it.

chapter 11 - Yoga had become many things to me, but whenever I tried to hone in on a specific effect it belittled the profound power this practice had upon my life. It was whatever it offered that day, whatever I opened to, and on this day, it was a parable, the support of a stranger, the time to let go of the last thing blocking my way.

chapter 12 - difference was just a matter of perspective.

chapter 12 - The paradox will remain with me forever, the confusing choice to take on a guy’s name, even though I do not consider myself a guy. To let words like Nick, or even he or she, create my identity would give too much absolute power to them. I use words to express myself and yet they do not define me, cannot crystallize a life that is in constant flux. Words are tools for communication like gender is a system for organization. And even as I play into the system by choosing a bathroom, a pronoun, a box on a form, I see it as a framework built upon faults, an institution that oppresses us all with some victims suffering more than others, a juggernaut. Some people see it as a binary, a spectrum, a continuum, or a rainbow. But when I envision my own gender, it is with my eye to the lens of a kaleidoscope that I spin and spin and spin.

[Jardley · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. Like another reviewer on this site, I couldn't really get into it at the beginning. I was expecting that I would end up not finishing it and just bringing it back to the library. I'm glad I really got to absorb the book as I went on.
I think I first heard about this book maybe 3 or 4 years ago, I thought this book was going to be about a person who does an experiment and pretends to pass as a boy to get a sense of being transgender. I thought this book was a memoir well a documentary on the author's experiment and she was telling us of what she encountered. I think even a little less than halfway I was thinking that and didn't make the connection that Nina was honestly going through an awareness about not liking her breasts. I don't even remember where I got the idea that this book was about the author's experiment, maybe it's an entirely different book, or younger Jardley read the synopsis wrong.

What I don't think I've read before in books about queers is the third gender or well the nongender. It's not something I've seen written aloud before and is an identity I really relate to. The author doesn't see herself as either man or woman and has friends who while largely transgender, fit into this different form as well. They keep certain parts of themselves feminine, even while removing their breast. I think the author really presents an awareness and an acceptance of this form, because it is alive and well even if it's not talked about as much as gay and lesbian identities are. While sometimes, and this could just be because I have never visited San Francisco, it seemed like the author lived in a queer utopia where everywhere Nick/Nina turned gays were there, her friends do reinforce that there were people who truly identified differently than one set box, even if many of them were transgender. Not all of them go through hormone therapy, or even surgery, and yet would identify as male, or some removed their breasts but their bodies stayed in the female form. Even Nina/Nick had I not seen the photos of him now and was just ending my knowledge of him based on how he physically ends in the book, he's stated he doesn't want hormone therapy just to remove his breasts. And that's such a different way of living than the mainstream is used to. By writing this book, detailing his thoughts and the lives of his friends, and myself being able to relate to this identity, there's a feeling that it's okay to be this way. It's valid too. I believe this book is the first of many I'll be reading on genderqueerness, and even though such a term still doesn't feel like it fits for me, I believe it's one step closer to finding out what does.

I also really enjoyed the relationship between Nina and her brother, they are very close and that's typically not shown or heard about with siblings. I identified with the ongoing discomfort with answering her mother's questions about her gender and identity, but didn't really enjoy reading about lavish trips after trips and basically how well off Nina's parents and by association Nina is. But, then again everyone's background in life is different, and hers is just as valid to learn about in the sexuality and identity quilt.

[Peter Sheehy · Rating 5 out of 5]

By the time they reach the reader's hands, memoirs from the edge of society—and really, what memoir isn't from the edge of society when it comes down to it—have already been so marginalized so many times over, have lived entire lives in the shadows, that they can run the risk of preachiness, of self-righteousness, of over-defensive (and don't mind the pun here) cockiness. But Nina Here Nor There is not so much a memoir as it is therapy in words, words beautifully crafted and honed with so much love, and Nick Krieger is not so much a preacher as he is a comrade-in-arms. With equal parts wit and tenderness, Krieger writes to make sense of this world he finds himself in, a world of packers and binders and drains (oh my), a world that exists underneath a white Hanes t-shirt. He holds nothing back, and he is a narrator so completely genuine and lovable that you will laugh when he laughs when neither of you should be laughing at all. Page after page-turning page, you're in this with Krieger: you learn with him, you cry with him, you get your heart broken by lovers and family alike.

Yes, this book gives voice to a trans community, but that's nearly besides the point. This book gives voice to Nick Krieger, an outsider even in his outsider world, and his story is singular yet unassuming. This is what makes Nina Here Nor There so special. Krieger is as curious as he is insightful, and he understands that there is no one story, not for the transgender community, not for any community. Yet it is a rare story that is told this well. At the heart of it, there is love, identity, and family (both chosen and given), and it does not matter where one falls on the gender spectrum: this is a journey beyond gender. As a straight cis male, this reader was as captivated as any reader because, as Krieger writes, "man, woman, or other—none of us [are] the same people we once were." This is a human story, plain and simple, and a great human story at that.

[Katy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Life-changing trans* memoir. I would recommend this one to EVERYONE in WGSS; although, of course it is most applicable to anyone with a particular interest in Queer Studies or Gender Studies. It not only brought to light plenty of trans* and queer issues, but also forces the reader indirectly to come to terms with his/her own body. How do you feel about having breasts? How much does your physical body impact your daily life? How does your orientation link in with your bodily experiences? I felt like by exploring these questions, Krieger opens them up to the reader and implicitly gives permission to explore them.

Though at times a sad narrative--Krieger by no means ignores the challenges and losses that people who identify as trans* often experience--Nina Here Nor There is expressive and honest about navigating the world in a body that causes him discomfort and pain. Perhaps this is what makes the book so valuable. It feels like a little gem of understanding in the web of misconceptions about trans* identity that the public is bombarded with.

[Laney Chace · Rating 5 out of 5]

"In this environment, it was impossible for me to tell what gender cues--things like earrings, hairstyle, underwear preference, and body hair--meant to a person, whether someone with leg hair thought of herself as a free-spirited woman or himself as a virile man. The style signposts had once held masculine or feminine connotations that helped me define a person, but here they failed to indicate whether a person self-identified as man, woman, or something else entirely." Pg 12
"What those around me had learned from their friends and lovers and gender studies classes in school was foreign to me. I lacked the language that others had acquired through osmosis and theory. Without the words, the ideas--even my experiences themselves, or my understanding of them--had been accessible." Pg 28
"I loved the way that sounded, like the best of both genders, a compromise. I wished our culture, language, and public bathroom situation allowed a person to hold elements of man and woman at the same time." Pg 54

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book grew on me. The beginning was really unsure, lacking sense of self and radical analysis. But then, Nick grew into himself and all the stories and anecdotes felt really local.

The chapters about connecting with family particularly resonated with me. At one point, Nick gave dad the ultimatum of 100% support or not. I like when people value themselves in this way.

I also really liked the relationship with Ramona. It was all exploring and grad student time schedule hang out 24/7 like.

There were a lot of questions about privilege, and I think I come away from this book wondering about gender and privilege and wanting to hear voices of people who don't have money or time to sit with themselves and figure things out in a step by step building kind of way. For the sake of what though?

[Dar · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the parent of a trans person, I have read lots of memoirs and personal writings by trans and gender/queer folks, hoping to gain information and insight into the human condition. I was immediately drawn in because this is the world my young-adult child inhabits, and it is drawn frankly and vividly. If you ever wanted to know how it feels to live in a queer-friendly environment, talk about sex and gender openly, obsess over all the decisions needed around hormones and surgery, and know how it feels to deal with your parents and meet new people and date and have sex while changing bodies - this is your book! If not, open your mind and read it anyway. Whether this is a whole new universe for you, or you have some prior knowledge, Nick will walk you through the trans journey and reassure you that we're all valuable human beings.

Highly Recommended!

[Lily · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been meaning to read this book since it came out and finally dragged my ass to the bookstore to get it. I am so glad i did. I couldn't put it down, read it in 24 hours, and loved it. I am cisgendered and can be pretty high femme, but somehow it felt so incredibly relateable i want to buy it for all of my relatives for christmas as if it would somehow reveal something to them or finally articulate something i've been unable to put words to. which was not something i expected to feel. I guess ultimately, his writing is so raw and real and thoughtful and human and complex, i felt instantly drawn to it and loved every minute of it. I would highly recommend this book!

[Jill Dee · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very eye-opening book about the journey to making the realization that one was born in the "wrong body" if you will. The pages where Nina tries to come to terms with her body, tries to work through her own issues with her family and friends, really bring to light some of the things that trans people go through on their journey to finding their true selves. It is a good, easy read to get your toes wet on the subject of transitioning. For anyone who is curious about what goes on in the minds of people who feel extremely uncomfortable in their biological bodies (and in their societally assigned gender) to the degree that they seek out surgical solutions, this is a must-read!

[Jay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, this book could have lost me for good in the first chapter or two. I found it incredibly hard to relate to a jock who comes from wealth. Does that make me closed minded? Luckily though I pressed on and found a satisfying middle and a very good end. Trans memoir is a genre I've read extensively and this one is worthwhile for the details between Nick and his community and Nick and his family. The repudiation of the 'classic trans narrative' trope is as gentle as it is exquisite. This book is a feather on topics and opinions where I am usually a mallet, and I found Nick's gentleness fascinating. Maybe it was the yoga.

[Ellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great trans narrative, especially for folks less familiar with (but interested in) queer/genderqueer/transgender/gender-variance issues. I like the path Krieger took to show his own evolution in thinking.

Not really sure if it could change minds to help people accept gender-variance in society, but as someone already invested in queer issues, it was nice to read a first-person narrative that wasn't so "I'm in the wrong body and I've known it all my life," since that certainly isn't everyone's experience.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great read - well written, funny, interesting. I love memoirs. It's like getting to meet a new and interesting person without the hassle of actually having to talk to them :-) This was a very interesting memoir of a transgender person whose story doesn't follow the totally typical transgender narrative. If you like the book, check out more writing from the author and a few you tube videos on his web site - he seems very appealing and friendly. He's invited to my dinner party of interesting people I'd like to meet. Oh wait, i said that was too much of a hassle... :-)