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Starved Stuff: Feeding the 7 Basic Needs of Healthy Relationships
Creating a healthy and lasting relationship with your partner can be both wonderful and demanding. Acclained national speaker and relatinship expert Matt Townsend explores both the challenges and solutions for healthier couples in this landmark book.
400 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2010
42 people are currently reading
199 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
April 20, 2021
I picked up this book after watching his TEDxBYU talk from 2021 about giving relationships oxygen.
The book is written on the premise that there are 7 basic needs critical to all healthy relationships:
Safety
Trust
Appreciation
Respect
Validation
Encouragement
Dedication
This actually helped me a lot with some struggles with my teenagers and made me realize I need to focus on feeding their emotional health just as much as feeding them nutritious food.
I also really liked his model for improving REAL communication
1. Recognize their emotion (In a spirit of inviting)
2. Explore their story (In a spirit of understanding)
3.Attend to their STARVED stuff (in a spirit of compassion)
4. Lift the conversation upward (in a spirit of building)
The book is written as a workbook in which you reflect and journal about your thoughts and experiences at the end of each chapter.
The book is written on the premise that there are 7 basic needs critical to all healthy relationships:
Safety
Trust
Appreciation
Respect
Validation
Encouragement
Dedication
This actually helped me a lot with some struggles with my teenagers and made me realize I need to focus on feeding their emotional health just as much as feeding them nutritious food.
I also really liked his model for improving REAL communication
1. Recognize their emotion (In a spirit of inviting)
2. Explore their story (In a spirit of understanding)
3.Attend to their STARVED stuff (in a spirit of compassion)
4. Lift the conversation upward (in a spirit of building)
The book is written as a workbook in which you reflect and journal about your thoughts and experiences at the end of each chapter.
May 14, 2024
I wasn't totally impressed on first read-through; mostly because one of the first things this author asserts is that the reason your marriage is failing is because of your own selfishness. But I am reserving full judgment until I actually implement the principles this author suggests. There are some sound psychological underpinnings, at the very least. There is heavy emphasis on personal responsibility as well: As much as a marriage is a partnership, you cannot ask from your spouse for anything you are not willing to give, which is reasonable.
He starts off explaining that society's view of love is incorrect. We all think of it as one thing: when two people first fall in love and are totally enamored with each other. He states that this is simply the very first phase of love, or the "Yearning" stage - filled with a rush of chemicals resulting in short-term behaviors and an outpouring of love. This stage lasts 2-3 years at most (also known coloquially as the "honeymoon phase"). The next stage, where most of us stall out, is the "Earning" stage - where we now have to put in an effort to earn love from our spouse, to act on the commitments we made in our vows, even when we don't feel like it. The last stage, what we often think of when we see an old couple who have been married for 50+ years, is the "Enduring" stage of love: chemicals are not the source of your love, but your choice to stay committed and a comfort in knowing you & your partner can trust each other to meet your needs & is fully dedicated.
The 7 Basic Needs for every person in every relationship are:
- Safety (physical, financial, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual)
- Trust (behaving in line with our mutually agreed upon standards or values, how we see and hear our partners)
- Appreciation (knowing our efforts are noticed, remembered, and valued)
- Respect (being treated/treating others as if they are a person of "endless worth" and having a higher vision of who they are)
- Validation (treating one's ideas, feelings, and actions are real, justified, of value)
- Encouragement (support & empower partner's dreams & desire to grow)
- Dedication (the security that comes from knowing your partner is more committed to you than any other thing, being, or activity; each receives a sufficient amount of time, energy, emotions, and resources from the other)
The first letter in each of these words spells out STARVED, and the author posits that couples literally starve each other when they don't help meet these needs. The biggest issue is when couples fight about things that never get past the surface and only distract from the deeper need. (Example: A husband is upset about a wife spending $400 on a purse, but it quickly becomes a blame-fest about how each partner is spending money irresponsibly, or not spending enough time at home, and so on. The fight is actually about one of the STARVED items: not feeling Safety in relation to their finances.)
Couples end up in a standoff, with both partners feeling justified in "starving" the other person, when all they really want is to be "fed" by their partner. The authors says the first step to ending this cycle is to start recognizing when we're entering into that blaming spin, and then try to get down past the surface level "smoke" to the actual "fire" (the unmet need). And it only takes ONE partner to stop the downward spiral. There are no guarantees that if you "feed" your partner they'll reciprocate - but it's making you a healthier, more loving person in the process, and it'll increase the odds that you will get something in return.
The tendency to keep fighting, blaming, spiraling down is known as "reactivity," and it's part of every unhealthy relationship. How do we stop being so reactive? We have to start making different choices which are based on our best selves. Often the reason we're so angry is because we feel guilty; we KNOW we aren't living up to our side of the commitment, to our values and ideals. And knowing why our partner is "starving" us/causing pain isn't really important; this victim mindset is just a pile of excuses. (Although he does include a disclaimer here that he isn't referring to abusive relationships.)
"Having someone to blame for the fall of your relationship doesn't soften the reality that your relationship is dead."
Fear impacts every part of our relationship when we are in a STARVED spiral. When we fear feeling guilty, we blame others. Fear being judged? We criticize others. Fear insecurities = pretend we can't be hurt. Fear of being wrong = turn everything into debates. Etc.
The first part of the STARVED spiral is "Selfishness" - the more you feel your needs aren't being met, the more you focus on yourself and your unmet needs. Even if you are "justified," selfishness will not improve our lives or relationships. The author's solution is to shift from a "me" mindset to a "we/our" approach to getting needs met.
Next is "Reactivity" - whenever we make decisions based on our moods, circumstances, or events (instead of on our values/what's most important). The author's solution to combat this state of mind is to list what you value most (integrity, honesty, family, home, community, humor, etc.) and then ask yourself if you are truly living up to those values, even in the heated moments. This can help you pick a different way to deal with a situation next time.
"Polarization" - when partners take opposite stands on positions & ideas, and it leads to unhealthy communication patterns. Reactivity leads to a competitive spirit in everything, which leads to this polarizing behavior. (Competition has worth to spur creativity and performance, but only when we as a couple have the same goals; otherwise it just reinforces individualistic tendencies, selfishness and fear.) Sometimes couples even do this because they're subconsciously seeking some sort of emotional reaction/connection with their partner - even though it's destructive. We need to practice cooperative communication instead. Practice finding common ground with your spouse.
"Negative interpretation" - this doesn't allow for either partner to grow or change and stems from a generally negative mindset. It is the "Death knell" of a relationship to negatively interpret everything your partner says or does. The author invites all to choose the High Road and avoid negativity, make a conscious choice not to look at something in such a negative light.
Next comes "Hopelessness" - the expectation that things will never change. This comes about from a lack of a shared positive vision; a lack of a focused plan for that vision; and a lack of consistent action on the couple's shared plan. The best way to escape this is to DO something: make a plan to improve, to get out of the STARVED spiral.
Last is "Abandonment" - when one partner walks away from the relationship, emotionally or literally. Abandoning a relationship without understanding what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again means it might very well happen again (60% of 2nd marriages fail, and 70-80% of 3rd marriages fail).
The "Loving Spiral" is about Selflessness, Proactivity, Cooperation, Positive Interpretaion, Hope, and Togetherness.
The next section of the book focuses on solutions, and the author has the reader explore four "courses" that should help couples heal their relationship.
CHARACTER - Remembering our personal values and acting on those instead of reacting based on moods/circumstances; builds Trust; our actions do impact our partner's psyche; we need to be strong enough to project our partner's good qualities (worth & potential) until they believe it; character is how we overcome weaknesses & facilitates forgiveness, and what helps us finally make choices that a different (better) than before
COMMUNICATION - Improving our understanding of our partner & their needs, through good listening & reflecting, and how to lift our conversations upward. In any conversation, we need to be aware of three "vital signs" (emotion, understanding, trust) because this will show us how to proceed. If negative emotion is up, understanding and trust will be down. If you're new to recognizing emotion in others, start with these basic 6: anger, sadness, frustration, depression, disgust, anxiety, overwhelm. Fully understanding the problem - including the situation and the context of our partner's feelings - needs to happen before we attempt to fix anything. And if our partner is feeling understood, then they can Trust us to help them in the way that is best for them. If there is a spiked "vitals" encounter, the author then suggests using the "get REAL" approach:
Recognize their emotions (state the emotion, validate it, invite more understanding)
Explore their story (to understand the story behind the emotion w/undivided attention)
Attend to their STARVED stuff (figuring out the deeper, basic need being met/unmet)
Lift the conversation upward (healthy, unifying, selfless, proactive, positive; focusing on what you agree on in order to help problem-solve and come up with a solution together)
COMPANIONSHIP - How to give as well as receive love, in the way most meaningful to our partners; connecting with one another physically, socially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. "Holding" love is our ability to receive the love our partner is pouring; and "Pouring" love is giving our partner the love they need in the way they can understand & feel it best. If we don't trust our partner or the reasons behind the choice to feed us, we are failing to "hold" or receive their love. This can come about from many reasons, including becoming numb to the pain of not being fed to the point they can't accept it anymore.
Five common "holes" in our love buckets: Physiological, Psychological, Ignorance, Addictions, Distractions (grudge holding, judging, holding patterns, victim stories, church/family/friends). Our job is to try and "plug" the holes with a plan, support, learning new skills.
Choices we can make to better hold love: Relax your Grip, Risk for the Reward, Change what you Can, Accept what you Cannot Change, Look for the Good in the Cracked Pot. Choices to better pour love: being a Safe, Trustworthy, Appreciative, Respectful, Validating, Encouraging, Dedicated partner; Learning your partner's Loving Style (Touchers, Hearers, See-ers, Sensers); Cuddle Time (30 min daily, does NOT lead to sex); Offering a Daily Special (find out their Needs that day, ask how to Love your spouse in meeting that need, then Do it); Creating Loving Rituals (kiss goodbye, hug hello, date nights, weekend getaways, etc. Small ones 3-5 times daily, a couple rituals weekly, a couple monthly, and Big ones 2-3 times a year). Choosing to do these rituals even when you're fighting is a big deal - choose to be feeding your relationship instead of focusing on "being right."
COMMITMENT- The power that comes with agreeing to always learn & change (for the better), because life and our needs are always changing. There are four "lights of learning" to help us improve our relationships: Self-awareness (begets Humility), Empathy (leads to Compassion), Vision (gives us Hope), Conscience (builds our Character). Individual growth does not depend on your partner's efforts; but this also means you don't have to remain a victim to your partner.
The author also throws in some brain science and talks about the Lower (Reactive) brain and the Higher (relating) brain. The lower brain is activated when we get in "fight or flight" mode, and this is where we make all our reactive, STARVED spiral arguments; it's very selfish and self-serving. This is also where we get into the "pursuer/withdrawer" positions in arguments, and the pain just gets escalated, then everyone withdraws & nothing gets resolved.
To get into the "Relating" brain, the author has a few tips: Stop & Pause, Count to 10 (or any higher math operation), Take a Deep Breath, Ask for a Time-out, Understand the other's position, Ask yourself a question, Anticipate & build rules together
He starts off explaining that society's view of love is incorrect. We all think of it as one thing: when two people first fall in love and are totally enamored with each other. He states that this is simply the very first phase of love, or the "Yearning" stage - filled with a rush of chemicals resulting in short-term behaviors and an outpouring of love. This stage lasts 2-3 years at most (also known coloquially as the "honeymoon phase"). The next stage, where most of us stall out, is the "Earning" stage - where we now have to put in an effort to earn love from our spouse, to act on the commitments we made in our vows, even when we don't feel like it. The last stage, what we often think of when we see an old couple who have been married for 50+ years, is the "Enduring" stage of love: chemicals are not the source of your love, but your choice to stay committed and a comfort in knowing you & your partner can trust each other to meet your needs & is fully dedicated.
The 7 Basic Needs for every person in every relationship are:
- Safety (physical, financial, emotional, social, intellectual, spiritual)
- Trust (behaving in line with our mutually agreed upon standards or values, how we see and hear our partners)
- Appreciation (knowing our efforts are noticed, remembered, and valued)
- Respect (being treated/treating others as if they are a person of "endless worth" and having a higher vision of who they are)
- Validation (treating one's ideas, feelings, and actions are real, justified, of value)
- Encouragement (support & empower partner's dreams & desire to grow)
- Dedication (the security that comes from knowing your partner is more committed to you than any other thing, being, or activity; each receives a sufficient amount of time, energy, emotions, and resources from the other)
The first letter in each of these words spells out STARVED, and the author posits that couples literally starve each other when they don't help meet these needs. The biggest issue is when couples fight about things that never get past the surface and only distract from the deeper need. (Example: A husband is upset about a wife spending $400 on a purse, but it quickly becomes a blame-fest about how each partner is spending money irresponsibly, or not spending enough time at home, and so on. The fight is actually about one of the STARVED items: not feeling Safety in relation to their finances.)
Couples end up in a standoff, with both partners feeling justified in "starving" the other person, when all they really want is to be "fed" by their partner. The authors says the first step to ending this cycle is to start recognizing when we're entering into that blaming spin, and then try to get down past the surface level "smoke" to the actual "fire" (the unmet need). And it only takes ONE partner to stop the downward spiral. There are no guarantees that if you "feed" your partner they'll reciprocate - but it's making you a healthier, more loving person in the process, and it'll increase the odds that you will get something in return.
The tendency to keep fighting, blaming, spiraling down is known as "reactivity," and it's part of every unhealthy relationship. How do we stop being so reactive? We have to start making different choices which are based on our best selves. Often the reason we're so angry is because we feel guilty; we KNOW we aren't living up to our side of the commitment, to our values and ideals. And knowing why our partner is "starving" us/causing pain isn't really important; this victim mindset is just a pile of excuses. (Although he does include a disclaimer here that he isn't referring to abusive relationships.)
"Having someone to blame for the fall of your relationship doesn't soften the reality that your relationship is dead."
Fear impacts every part of our relationship when we are in a STARVED spiral. When we fear feeling guilty, we blame others. Fear being judged? We criticize others. Fear insecurities = pretend we can't be hurt. Fear of being wrong = turn everything into debates. Etc.
The first part of the STARVED spiral is "Selfishness" - the more you feel your needs aren't being met, the more you focus on yourself and your unmet needs. Even if you are "justified," selfishness will not improve our lives or relationships. The author's solution is to shift from a "me" mindset to a "we/our" approach to getting needs met.
Next is "Reactivity" - whenever we make decisions based on our moods, circumstances, or events (instead of on our values/what's most important). The author's solution to combat this state of mind is to list what you value most (integrity, honesty, family, home, community, humor, etc.) and then ask yourself if you are truly living up to those values, even in the heated moments. This can help you pick a different way to deal with a situation next time.
"Polarization" - when partners take opposite stands on positions & ideas, and it leads to unhealthy communication patterns. Reactivity leads to a competitive spirit in everything, which leads to this polarizing behavior. (Competition has worth to spur creativity and performance, but only when we as a couple have the same goals; otherwise it just reinforces individualistic tendencies, selfishness and fear.) Sometimes couples even do this because they're subconsciously seeking some sort of emotional reaction/connection with their partner - even though it's destructive. We need to practice cooperative communication instead. Practice finding common ground with your spouse.
"Negative interpretation" - this doesn't allow for either partner to grow or change and stems from a generally negative mindset. It is the "Death knell" of a relationship to negatively interpret everything your partner says or does. The author invites all to choose the High Road and avoid negativity, make a conscious choice not to look at something in such a negative light.
Next comes "Hopelessness" - the expectation that things will never change. This comes about from a lack of a shared positive vision; a lack of a focused plan for that vision; and a lack of consistent action on the couple's shared plan. The best way to escape this is to DO something: make a plan to improve, to get out of the STARVED spiral.
Last is "Abandonment" - when one partner walks away from the relationship, emotionally or literally. Abandoning a relationship without understanding what went wrong and how to prevent it from happening again means it might very well happen again (60% of 2nd marriages fail, and 70-80% of 3rd marriages fail).
The "Loving Spiral" is about Selflessness, Proactivity, Cooperation, Positive Interpretaion, Hope, and Togetherness.
The next section of the book focuses on solutions, and the author has the reader explore four "courses" that should help couples heal their relationship.
CHARACTER - Remembering our personal values and acting on those instead of reacting based on moods/circumstances; builds Trust; our actions do impact our partner's psyche; we need to be strong enough to project our partner's good qualities (worth & potential) until they believe it; character is how we overcome weaknesses & facilitates forgiveness, and what helps us finally make choices that a different (better) than before
COMMUNICATION - Improving our understanding of our partner & their needs, through good listening & reflecting, and how to lift our conversations upward. In any conversation, we need to be aware of three "vital signs" (emotion, understanding, trust) because this will show us how to proceed. If negative emotion is up, understanding and trust will be down. If you're new to recognizing emotion in others, start with these basic 6: anger, sadness, frustration, depression, disgust, anxiety, overwhelm. Fully understanding the problem - including the situation and the context of our partner's feelings - needs to happen before we attempt to fix anything. And if our partner is feeling understood, then they can Trust us to help them in the way that is best for them. If there is a spiked "vitals" encounter, the author then suggests using the "get REAL" approach:
Recognize their emotions (state the emotion, validate it, invite more understanding)
Explore their story (to understand the story behind the emotion w/undivided attention)
Attend to their STARVED stuff (figuring out the deeper, basic need being met/unmet)
Lift the conversation upward (healthy, unifying, selfless, proactive, positive; focusing on what you agree on in order to help problem-solve and come up with a solution together)
COMPANIONSHIP - How to give as well as receive love, in the way most meaningful to our partners; connecting with one another physically, socially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. "Holding" love is our ability to receive the love our partner is pouring; and "Pouring" love is giving our partner the love they need in the way they can understand & feel it best. If we don't trust our partner or the reasons behind the choice to feed us, we are failing to "hold" or receive their love. This can come about from many reasons, including becoming numb to the pain of not being fed to the point they can't accept it anymore.
Five common "holes" in our love buckets: Physiological, Psychological, Ignorance, Addictions, Distractions (grudge holding, judging, holding patterns, victim stories, church/family/friends). Our job is to try and "plug" the holes with a plan, support, learning new skills.
Choices we can make to better hold love: Relax your Grip, Risk for the Reward, Change what you Can, Accept what you Cannot Change, Look for the Good in the Cracked Pot. Choices to better pour love: being a Safe, Trustworthy, Appreciative, Respectful, Validating, Encouraging, Dedicated partner; Learning your partner's Loving Style (Touchers, Hearers, See-ers, Sensers); Cuddle Time (30 min daily, does NOT lead to sex); Offering a Daily Special (find out their Needs that day, ask how to Love your spouse in meeting that need, then Do it); Creating Loving Rituals (kiss goodbye, hug hello, date nights, weekend getaways, etc. Small ones 3-5 times daily, a couple rituals weekly, a couple monthly, and Big ones 2-3 times a year). Choosing to do these rituals even when you're fighting is a big deal - choose to be feeding your relationship instead of focusing on "being right."
COMMITMENT- The power that comes with agreeing to always learn & change (for the better), because life and our needs are always changing. There are four "lights of learning" to help us improve our relationships: Self-awareness (begets Humility), Empathy (leads to Compassion), Vision (gives us Hope), Conscience (builds our Character). Individual growth does not depend on your partner's efforts; but this also means you don't have to remain a victim to your partner.
The author also throws in some brain science and talks about the Lower (Reactive) brain and the Higher (relating) brain. The lower brain is activated when we get in "fight or flight" mode, and this is where we make all our reactive, STARVED spiral arguments; it's very selfish and self-serving. This is also where we get into the "pursuer/withdrawer" positions in arguments, and the pain just gets escalated, then everyone withdraws & nothing gets resolved.
To get into the "Relating" brain, the author has a few tips: Stop & Pause, Count to 10 (or any higher math operation), Take a Deep Breath, Ask for a Time-out, Understand the other's position, Ask yourself a question, Anticipate & build rules together
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 7, 2012
I will continue to refer to this book for many years to come. I have recommended it to my friends and they have also truly valued Matt's approach. I love how he took elements of a relationship that can be confusing and frustrating to identify and simplified them to simply concepts. I now feel like I have some tools to apply to many situations and relationships. For me this book spoke to my head and heart equally!
October 21, 2023
If you’ve ever heard Matt Townsend speak you have laughed and mostly likely loved better. This book is a great encapsulation of his years in counseling and otherwise improving relationships, despite its wordiness.
July 13, 2021
Honestly, it was okay. Some stuff written like it was for a high schooler but overall a good addition to my relational knowledge base.
October 22, 2014
I heard Matt Townsend speak about the concepts in this book at a marriage seminar and really enjoyed his presentation, so I thought I'd check the book out. It has the same info (and a lot more) but the presentation of it seems gimmicky. (Also hate the title "starved"? Surely there could have been a better acronym. It's off-putting.)
I think he has some great ideas, but I don't like the way his editor guided him in this book. Didn't finish it. Better luck to you. (For a good marriage book, we have enjoyed Love that Lasts: Fourteen Secrets to a More Joyful, Passionate, and Fulfilling Marriage.)
I think he has some great ideas, but I don't like the way his editor guided him in this book. Didn't finish it. Better luck to you. (For a good marriage book, we have enjoyed Love that Lasts: Fourteen Secrets to a More Joyful, Passionate, and Fulfilling Marriage.)
April 25, 2011
i loved this book! i heard about matt townsend through my work, when he was doing a discounted one-night seminar on marriage. i didn't go, but decided to read his book. he has a weekly radio show on ksl, on saturday, and is a frequent guest on ksl channel 5. i'm not an expert on marriage, and have only had 16 months experience, but the lessons and principles taught in this book are great! the thing i loved the most about this book is that matt townsend's perspective on getting along with your spouse is to be selfless and considerate, always. loved it!
August 19, 2010
Matt has a witty and straightforward approach to being the right spouse, and thereby, turning your marriage into a strong one. Very easy to read, and makes you go back for more ideas after this first read.
December 29, 2015
I think this book is full of wonderful tools to bring you and your partner closer together. I love the humor the author brings to tough and, at times, painful subjects. My husband and I plan to implement the things we have learned from this (audio) book and also, to listen to it again and again.
November 18, 2018
Great for individual growth & relationships
I loved that I came out of reading this book with the motivation to become a better version of myself regardless of the choices of those around me. Such great tools.
I loved that I came out of reading this book with the motivation to become a better version of myself regardless of the choices of those around me. Such great tools.
January 6, 2021
3.5 Basic ideas behind getting along in your marriage. 5 love languages is still the most helpful relationship book I have read, but this helps with when you are fighting how to do it more effectively.
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews