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Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head?: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasy
Based on the largest-ever survey of sexual fantasies, and drawing on the author’s twenty-five years of clinical practice, this “anatomy of secret desire” does for sexual fantasy what Kinsey did for sexual behavior. However, unlike Kinsey’s books, which were almost unreadably dense and data-driven, Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head? features narrative accounts of sexual fantasies and the author’s own insightful interpretations of how those fantasies affect our lives. Kahr reveals the astonishing truth behind secrecy, shame and taboo, and demonstrates how sex fantasies exert a more powerful influence on our emotions, behavior, and relationships than we ever imagined. Kahr’s insights are liberating. He tells us the story of Margaret, who, in mining early sexual abuse for arousing and satisfying sexual fantasies: “succeeded brilliantly in turning a childhood trauma into an adult triumph.” He explains how he helped a young man who couldn’t get turned on by his beautiful girlfriend but only by dominatrix-themed porn, and how numerous men and women used fantasy to become more intimate with their partners-or to be unfaithful or even cruel to them instead. Ultimately, by unmasking the myths and destroying the guilt and ignorance surrounding sexual fantasy, Kahr offers readers a chance to lead richer and less conflicted lives.
512 pages, Hardcover
First published January 29, 2008
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March 20, 2008
My review that ran on March 8, 2008 in the Los Angeles Times:
There’s something about reading almost five hundred pages of sexual fantasy that throws the doors of perception a little off their hinges. Just knowing that 90% of humanity is out there screening some kind of porn film in their heads, makes, say, the lunch crowd at Fudrucker’s more interesting to observe. Does that waitress serving chili fries dream of being wrapped in cellophane and spanked? Does the bus boy want to be licked by Keanu Reeves? Does that businessman chipmunking on his Blackberry dream of being cavity searched by terrorists?
At least, that’s how it seems after reading Brett Kahr’s “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies. ” Kahr, a Freudian psychotherapist with over twenty years in the field, sensed there was therapeutic gold in the undulating hills of our erotic imaginings. Kahr’s interest was far from prurient, he suspected fantasies don’t exist for purely recreational purposes, that they are in fact “psychological fingerprints’ that can help us unravel the mystery of our deepest, darkest selves. “Our sexual fantasies remain, by and large, an unprocessed, unsynthesized area of the mind, crying out for explanation.” P. 61
“Inspired by the psychological insights of Sigmund Freud, the large-scale methodological rigor of Alfred Kinsey, and by the brave public dissemination of Nancy Friday, I decided that I would attempt my own research, a “Kinsey of the mind,” so that I could begin to answer some basic questions,” Kahr asserts. Chief among those questions was, “Do our fantasies represent just a bit of private fun, or do they have more profound implications for how we lead our lives?”
Thus he began The British Sexual Fantasy Research Project, culling statistical data from a combined group of 20,153 British and American adults p. 67 and conducting exhaustive, five hour interviews with several hundred subjects.
This monumental undertaking offers for the first time, an anecdotal adjunct to the bigger game of sexual activity itself. Kahr makes it clear that to ignore sexual fantasy is to miss a large piece of the puzzle in human psychology. The discrete, methodical and clearly sensitive Kahr approached his interviews less like a Sherlock Holmes and more of a Dr. Watson, asking questions, listening with his “third ear” (the one that hears not only what the subject is saying, but what he isn’t saying) and being careful not to jump to conclusions. The book provides a nice insight into the point of view of the therapist. “We must approach each fantasy rather like a giant jigsaw puzzle or mystery story. At the end of the analysis, every piece must fit in order that we may gain a clear picture of the contents of the mind of the fantasist.” P. 338 Sure enough, Kahr discovers that sexual fantasies “have developed as both a means of gratifying wishes and of conquering intrusive memories of early traumatic experiences.” In other words, we use fantasy to turn that which haunts us into something we have psychic mastery over, or as Kahr calls it, “equilibration of the self.”
This is all very interesting and highly worthwhile, but for the, er, layperson, the best parts of this book are the dirty parts. Kahr has done a great job of culling and organizing his respondents’ fantasies, and they are repeated verbatim, often to unintentional comedic effect. Grouped into categories like “Bisexual Fantasies,” or “Fantasies of Celebrities” the narratives flow with blunt, artless logic. Some fantasies are related in coy shorthand, and others are elaborate, describing antics in language that would make Susie Bright blush.
Kahr warns us, “On first reading, many people become either sexually aroused by the private fantasies of others or embarrassed by them.” Indeed, the erotic reveries are arousing, embarrassing, shocking, boring and most surprisingly, hilarious. There’s the woman who wants to be squeezed between Serena Williams’ thighs, and the guy who fantasizes about watching an episode of Lost with a girl, then duct taping her to a counter so he can “change her views forever about how many orgasms are acceptable in an evening’s encounter.” Senior citizen, “Isadora” has been fantasizing about Gregory Peck for decades: “Gregory is the mainstay of my fantasy. Yummy. I think he is dead now. “ p.146 Then there’s “Berger” who thinks Seth Green and Topher Grace “would be one hot man-on-man action. “Sancho” fantasizes about a week in Vegas with a harem of chorus girls; “All of the showgirls are tall and beautiful and their job is to be nice to me all week – laugh at my jokes, tell me what a great guy I am, massage my neck, dance with me at nightclubs, etc. –- and of course, have sex with me and with each other like crazed weasels in every possible position in the Kama Sutra.”
Many of the choicest fantasies are so laden with coprolalia (“dirty talk”), they cannot be reprinted here, but they amply illustrate the full, quirky spectrum of human sexuality, which appears also to include a large subset of people who are turned on by Margaret Thatcher.
Of course, there’s a dark side to all this. The book has many accounts of people who are so damaged that their fantasy lives drip either with cruel sadism, or heart-wrenching masochism. Most of these erotic reveries are what Kahr calls “the ordinary sadism of everyday life,” and for the most part these people are harmless. But Kahr encountered enough disturbing material to ask himself “should these individuals be tolerated, or should they be treated?” He admits, honestly, to not having a clear answer, though he is sure that his interviews were not the appropriate context for real therapeutic intervention.
But for most of us, sexual fantasy is a pretty healthy indulgence, allowing us to find an outlet for desire, and turn past trauma into a source of pleasure, rather than pain.
There is a prescriptive element to “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?” Fantasy research can be used in a diagnostic-predictive manner, to protect society from dangerous sexual predators. Another practical application Kahr suggests is using fantasy data to match up potential partners through dating services. As Kahr points out, “Such factors may prove to be much more pertinent to compatibility than whether one enjoys films, eating out, and country walks.” Now there’s something to fantasize about.
There’s something about reading almost five hundred pages of sexual fantasy that throws the doors of perception a little off their hinges. Just knowing that 90% of humanity is out there screening some kind of porn film in their heads, makes, say, the lunch crowd at Fudrucker’s more interesting to observe. Does that waitress serving chili fries dream of being wrapped in cellophane and spanked? Does the bus boy want to be licked by Keanu Reeves? Does that businessman chipmunking on his Blackberry dream of being cavity searched by terrorists?
At least, that’s how it seems after reading Brett Kahr’s “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head: The Secret World of Sexual Fantasies. ” Kahr, a Freudian psychotherapist with over twenty years in the field, sensed there was therapeutic gold in the undulating hills of our erotic imaginings. Kahr’s interest was far from prurient, he suspected fantasies don’t exist for purely recreational purposes, that they are in fact “psychological fingerprints’ that can help us unravel the mystery of our deepest, darkest selves. “Our sexual fantasies remain, by and large, an unprocessed, unsynthesized area of the mind, crying out for explanation.” P. 61
“Inspired by the psychological insights of Sigmund Freud, the large-scale methodological rigor of Alfred Kinsey, and by the brave public dissemination of Nancy Friday, I decided that I would attempt my own research, a “Kinsey of the mind,” so that I could begin to answer some basic questions,” Kahr asserts. Chief among those questions was, “Do our fantasies represent just a bit of private fun, or do they have more profound implications for how we lead our lives?”
Thus he began The British Sexual Fantasy Research Project, culling statistical data from a combined group of 20,153 British and American adults p. 67 and conducting exhaustive, five hour interviews with several hundred subjects.
This monumental undertaking offers for the first time, an anecdotal adjunct to the bigger game of sexual activity itself. Kahr makes it clear that to ignore sexual fantasy is to miss a large piece of the puzzle in human psychology. The discrete, methodical and clearly sensitive Kahr approached his interviews less like a Sherlock Holmes and more of a Dr. Watson, asking questions, listening with his “third ear” (the one that hears not only what the subject is saying, but what he isn’t saying) and being careful not to jump to conclusions. The book provides a nice insight into the point of view of the therapist. “We must approach each fantasy rather like a giant jigsaw puzzle or mystery story. At the end of the analysis, every piece must fit in order that we may gain a clear picture of the contents of the mind of the fantasist.” P. 338 Sure enough, Kahr discovers that sexual fantasies “have developed as both a means of gratifying wishes and of conquering intrusive memories of early traumatic experiences.” In other words, we use fantasy to turn that which haunts us into something we have psychic mastery over, or as Kahr calls it, “equilibration of the self.”
This is all very interesting and highly worthwhile, but for the, er, layperson, the best parts of this book are the dirty parts. Kahr has done a great job of culling and organizing his respondents’ fantasies, and they are repeated verbatim, often to unintentional comedic effect. Grouped into categories like “Bisexual Fantasies,” or “Fantasies of Celebrities” the narratives flow with blunt, artless logic. Some fantasies are related in coy shorthand, and others are elaborate, describing antics in language that would make Susie Bright blush.
Kahr warns us, “On first reading, many people become either sexually aroused by the private fantasies of others or embarrassed by them.” Indeed, the erotic reveries are arousing, embarrassing, shocking, boring and most surprisingly, hilarious. There’s the woman who wants to be squeezed between Serena Williams’ thighs, and the guy who fantasizes about watching an episode of Lost with a girl, then duct taping her to a counter so he can “change her views forever about how many orgasms are acceptable in an evening’s encounter.” Senior citizen, “Isadora” has been fantasizing about Gregory Peck for decades: “Gregory is the mainstay of my fantasy. Yummy. I think he is dead now. “ p.146 Then there’s “Berger” who thinks Seth Green and Topher Grace “would be one hot man-on-man action. “Sancho” fantasizes about a week in Vegas with a harem of chorus girls; “All of the showgirls are tall and beautiful and their job is to be nice to me all week – laugh at my jokes, tell me what a great guy I am, massage my neck, dance with me at nightclubs, etc. –- and of course, have sex with me and with each other like crazed weasels in every possible position in the Kama Sutra.”
Many of the choicest fantasies are so laden with coprolalia (“dirty talk”), they cannot be reprinted here, but they amply illustrate the full, quirky spectrum of human sexuality, which appears also to include a large subset of people who are turned on by Margaret Thatcher.
Of course, there’s a dark side to all this. The book has many accounts of people who are so damaged that their fantasy lives drip either with cruel sadism, or heart-wrenching masochism. Most of these erotic reveries are what Kahr calls “the ordinary sadism of everyday life,” and for the most part these people are harmless. But Kahr encountered enough disturbing material to ask himself “should these individuals be tolerated, or should they be treated?” He admits, honestly, to not having a clear answer, though he is sure that his interviews were not the appropriate context for real therapeutic intervention.
But for most of us, sexual fantasy is a pretty healthy indulgence, allowing us to find an outlet for desire, and turn past trauma into a source of pleasure, rather than pain.
There is a prescriptive element to “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?” Fantasy research can be used in a diagnostic-predictive manner, to protect society from dangerous sexual predators. Another practical application Kahr suggests is using fantasy data to match up potential partners through dating services. As Kahr points out, “Such factors may prove to be much more pertinent to compatibility than whether one enjoys films, eating out, and country walks.” Now there’s something to fantasize about.
August 26, 2008
I've marked this as containing "spoilers" largely because this is an "open" site and the subject matter may offend some.
Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head is a bit of a departure for me. Most of my nonfiction reading tends toward the historical or the "hard" sciences (astronomy, evolutionary biology, etc.) but one of my GoodReads friends marked this as a "to-read," I read the publisher's blurb and a few of the reviews, and it looked intriguing. Fortunately, one of my libraries possessed a copy and the inevitable ensued: I obtained and read it.
Brett Kahr is a Freudian psychoanalyst who's realized that there is a dearth of studies of what constitutes sexual fantasies - what's "normal" (if that can be measured) and what's "perverse" (also a slippery concept) - and how those fantasies might affect people in their lives.
Being a Freudian, Kahr believes that most, if not all, of our fantasies arise from childhood traumas. "Trauma" here does not necessarily mean something horrible like being raped by your father when you're 10 years old or having a group of boys sodomize you in the public restroom when you're 13. It can mean relatively unfortunate events or circumstances in an otherwise good childhood. Circumstances like an emotionally distant father or an overbearing mother or (as in the case of one woman) the loss of an older brother in a car accident. Kahr argues that "trauma functions as a key ingredient in the genesis of adult sexual fantasies" (p. 393) and that these fantasies help master "trauma through eroticization, rendering the terrifying and unprocessable into something sexy and manageable." (p. 383)
A "perverse" fantasy is one that eroticizes hatred (p. 418) and that "requires sustained perpetration of sadism toward oneself or one's 'love object'" and "becomes so all engrossing it prevents one from forging intimate relationships." (p. 420)
There are a number of conclusions he arrives at (if some are only tentative):
1. What is a sexual fantasy? An image, thought, drama, usually thought about during sex (coital or masturbatory) and that results in orgasm. (This makes it a different phenomenon than the sexual dream.)
2. What is a "normal" fantasy? There is no normative fantasy. People who appear quite "normal" might have some of the most sadistic, misogynistic, bestial fantasies but as long as they avoid the two criteria for "perversion" I mention above, they're no more abnormal than fantasizing about making love to one's partner that never departs from the missionary position.
3. Why fantasize? Kahr doesn't really know. From an evolutionary point of view it may help arousal and, hence, propagation. In terms of human psychology, it eroticizes and makes harmless traumas in our lives.
4. Does everyone have fantasies? Despite some negative responses in Kahr's survey, he feels that everyone has a fantasy of some sort even if they don't recognize it as such.
5. Should we share fantasies/act them out with our partners? Maybe. He recounts cases where exposing and/or acting out a fantasy did wonders for a relationship; alas, sometimes they torpedoed a relationship.
6. Are fantasies dangerous? Sometimes. See above about what a "perverse" fantasy is. Actually, in relation to this subject, Kahr gets into some potentially scary "Big Brother" stuff where he envisions mental-health experts "tagging" potential rapists, pedophiles, etc. based on their sexual fantasies - sort of a "Minority Report" world without the ESP.
7. If we don't fantasize about our partner is that a "bad sign"? Maybe; maybe not. Since a fantasy is a defense mechanism from past trauma, the absence of one's current partner is not unusual.
8. If we fantasize about something illegal (i.e., rape, pedophilia, incest, murder, etc.) will we eventually act it out? Probably not. Most - the overwhelming majority - even if their fantasies involve raping the cheerleading squad or murdering their partner don't go through with it. As Kahr wants to emphasize, even the most vile fantasy is a defense mechanism against some childhood trauma. Now, fantasizing about gang rapes or murder probably indicates a fairly serious trauma and the person should seek some form of therapy and it may make a person's intimate relationships ultimately unsatisfying but it doesn't mean we have a future "Ted Bundy" on our hands.
9. Can we control our fantasies? Always a good Freudian, Kahr doesn't believe so. At least not to any great extent.
One of the best aspects of this work is that Kahr doesn't try to create an all-encompassing theory of sexual fantasy. He tries to identify some broad generalizations but doesn't apply them to explain fantasy.
Though I don't have the background to assess just how valid psychoanalysis is or what competing theories may be out there, I found this book fascinating and interesting.
Who's Been Sleeping in Your Head is a bit of a departure for me. Most of my nonfiction reading tends toward the historical or the "hard" sciences (astronomy, evolutionary biology, etc.) but one of my GoodReads friends marked this as a "to-read," I read the publisher's blurb and a few of the reviews, and it looked intriguing. Fortunately, one of my libraries possessed a copy and the inevitable ensued: I obtained and read it.
Brett Kahr is a Freudian psychoanalyst who's realized that there is a dearth of studies of what constitutes sexual fantasies - what's "normal" (if that can be measured) and what's "perverse" (also a slippery concept) - and how those fantasies might affect people in their lives.
Being a Freudian, Kahr believes that most, if not all, of our fantasies arise from childhood traumas. "Trauma" here does not necessarily mean something horrible like being raped by your father when you're 10 years old or having a group of boys sodomize you in the public restroom when you're 13. It can mean relatively unfortunate events or circumstances in an otherwise good childhood. Circumstances like an emotionally distant father or an overbearing mother or (as in the case of one woman) the loss of an older brother in a car accident. Kahr argues that "trauma functions as a key ingredient in the genesis of adult sexual fantasies" (p. 393) and that these fantasies help master "trauma through eroticization, rendering the terrifying and unprocessable into something sexy and manageable." (p. 383)
A "perverse" fantasy is one that eroticizes hatred (p. 418) and that "requires sustained perpetration of sadism toward oneself or one's 'love object'" and "becomes so all engrossing it prevents one from forging intimate relationships." (p. 420)
There are a number of conclusions he arrives at (if some are only tentative):
1. What is a sexual fantasy? An image, thought, drama, usually thought about during sex (coital or masturbatory) and that results in orgasm. (This makes it a different phenomenon than the sexual dream.)
2. What is a "normal" fantasy? There is no normative fantasy. People who appear quite "normal" might have some of the most sadistic, misogynistic, bestial fantasies but as long as they avoid the two criteria for "perversion" I mention above, they're no more abnormal than fantasizing about making love to one's partner that never departs from the missionary position.
3. Why fantasize? Kahr doesn't really know. From an evolutionary point of view it may help arousal and, hence, propagation. In terms of human psychology, it eroticizes and makes harmless traumas in our lives.
4. Does everyone have fantasies? Despite some negative responses in Kahr's survey, he feels that everyone has a fantasy of some sort even if they don't recognize it as such.
5. Should we share fantasies/act them out with our partners? Maybe. He recounts cases where exposing and/or acting out a fantasy did wonders for a relationship; alas, sometimes they torpedoed a relationship.
6. Are fantasies dangerous? Sometimes. See above about what a "perverse" fantasy is. Actually, in relation to this subject, Kahr gets into some potentially scary "Big Brother" stuff where he envisions mental-health experts "tagging" potential rapists, pedophiles, etc. based on their sexual fantasies - sort of a "Minority Report" world without the ESP.
7. If we don't fantasize about our partner is that a "bad sign"? Maybe; maybe not. Since a fantasy is a defense mechanism from past trauma, the absence of one's current partner is not unusual.
8. If we fantasize about something illegal (i.e., rape, pedophilia, incest, murder, etc.) will we eventually act it out? Probably not. Most - the overwhelming majority - even if their fantasies involve raping the cheerleading squad or murdering their partner don't go through with it. As Kahr wants to emphasize, even the most vile fantasy is a defense mechanism against some childhood trauma. Now, fantasizing about gang rapes or murder probably indicates a fairly serious trauma and the person should seek some form of therapy and it may make a person's intimate relationships ultimately unsatisfying but it doesn't mean we have a future "Ted Bundy" on our hands.
9. Can we control our fantasies? Always a good Freudian, Kahr doesn't believe so. At least not to any great extent.
One of the best aspects of this work is that Kahr doesn't try to create an all-encompassing theory of sexual fantasy. He tries to identify some broad generalizations but doesn't apply them to explain fantasy.
Though I don't have the background to assess just how valid psychoanalysis is or what competing theories may be out there, I found this book fascinating and interesting.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 15, 2011
I didn't love his conclusions about sexual fantasies, specifically that they stem from serious emotional trauma in our childhoods. I can accept that some do, and I accept that our sexualities are obviously shaped by a wide array of events during our young lives. I totally accept that creating difficult fantasies can be used to help the mind cope with serious trauma. But the way he problematizes it, and makes it seem like having fantasies always hints at mental troubles...I don't know. I just wish he was a bit more loosey-goosey. He makes it seem like having fantasies of being dominated is extreme, and I wish he would take a more liberal stance on things. Sexuality is already such a fraught topic. The last thing we need is a doctor giving us more reasons to be concerned about our own.
February 22, 2015
Kahar starts the book by repeating over and over again that we have sexual fantasies of the sorts that we're often ashamed/afraid to share with others — as if this were some new discovery. Reading other people's sexual fantasies gets boring very quickly. And what Kahr offers in terms of analysis is not just shallow but often wrongheaded. I should have known, given that Kahr is a psychoanalyst. Everything is the results of repressed childhood memories and other usual psychoanalytical concoctions. (My personal favorite is castration anxiety.)
August 28, 2011
This book was not what I was expecting. I wanted / thought it would be a book more like The Other Side of Desire: Four Journeys into the Far Realms of Lust and Longing (which by the way, is awesome) but this book was really far from that one in almost every respect. Although ostensibly this book is about understanding sexual fantasy, I'm not sure the author accomplished that goal. Two main issues:
First, I didn't realize that the author is such a hardcore Freudian. John and I were recently chatting about Freudian psychotherapy and we joked that we should write a book / propose a conference panel called, "Psychotherapy - Why Are We Still At It." To be fair, I haven't studied much Freud, but I feel it was an interesting model when proposed but that it's sort of outlived its usefulness. The people who truly believe everything can be understood with regard to Freud? You scare me, and I want nothing to do with you.
Second, most of the chapters just seemed to consist of long descriptions of people's fantasies. These were supposed to be people's deepest darkest desires (many of which by the way, were relatively tame and boring) and while interesting from a research perspective - they are sort of tiring to read though in long lists. He would usually pick one or two to talk about more at length, and then group them into broader categories. If I turned in a paper written like this my professor would accuse me of trying to pad my text to meet a page requirement, and the professor would probably be correct. Also, all he seems to prove is that people have fantasies and occasionally they are a little odd. This should be a fairly obvious conclusion to anyone with a computer and an internet connection, as there are porn and fetish sites for literally everything. And they wouldn't be making it if someone wasn't buying it.
Additionally I found most of the analysis not that interesting and occasionally offensive. (See Issue One) But every time it turns out a hand picked fantasy can be traced to some innocuous (or not innocuous) childhood memory, lI was shouting, "We get it." I also don't think it's true, it might be true for some people, but i've read/listened to enough Dan Savage to realize people are into a variety of things and sometimes it's linked to experiences (the common one referenced is being spanked as a kid versus not being spanked) and there's no causation. To the author of this book I wish to remind him, correlation does not equal causation.
And then there were things like this: people with any thoughts even vaguely S&M are "perverse" and people having fantasies about sex with more than one person "may be an attempt to repair ones narcissistic injuries by possessing more than more love simultaneously." Sure, that's one explanation, but I can think of several others.
/Shrug. Not for me. Go read "The Other Side of Desire."
First, I didn't realize that the author is such a hardcore Freudian. John and I were recently chatting about Freudian psychotherapy and we joked that we should write a book / propose a conference panel called, "Psychotherapy - Why Are We Still At It." To be fair, I haven't studied much Freud, but I feel it was an interesting model when proposed but that it's sort of outlived its usefulness. The people who truly believe everything can be understood with regard to Freud? You scare me, and I want nothing to do with you.
Second, most of the chapters just seemed to consist of long descriptions of people's fantasies. These were supposed to be people's deepest darkest desires (many of which by the way, were relatively tame and boring) and while interesting from a research perspective - they are sort of tiring to read though in long lists. He would usually pick one or two to talk about more at length, and then group them into broader categories. If I turned in a paper written like this my professor would accuse me of trying to pad my text to meet a page requirement, and the professor would probably be correct. Also, all he seems to prove is that people have fantasies and occasionally they are a little odd. This should be a fairly obvious conclusion to anyone with a computer and an internet connection, as there are porn and fetish sites for literally everything. And they wouldn't be making it if someone wasn't buying it.
Additionally I found most of the analysis not that interesting and occasionally offensive. (See Issue One) But every time it turns out a hand picked fantasy can be traced to some innocuous (or not innocuous) childhood memory, lI was shouting, "We get it." I also don't think it's true, it might be true for some people, but i've read/listened to enough Dan Savage to realize people are into a variety of things and sometimes it's linked to experiences (the common one referenced is being spanked as a kid versus not being spanked) and there's no causation. To the author of this book I wish to remind him, correlation does not equal causation.
And then there were things like this: people with any thoughts even vaguely S&M are "perverse" and people having fantasies about sex with more than one person "may be an attempt to repair ones narcissistic injuries by possessing more than more love simultaneously." Sure, that's one explanation, but I can think of several others.
/Shrug. Not for me. Go read "The Other Side of Desire."
January 3, 2023
كيف يمكننا تعريف الخيال بشكل أفضل؟ وما هو الفرق بين الخيال العادي والخيال الجنسي؟ لقد توقع المحللون النفسيون وعلماء النفس التنموي على حد سواء منذ فترة طويلة أن القدرة على توليد الأفكار الداخلية الخاصة تبدأ على الأقل منذ الولادة ، وربما حتى قبل أسابيع ، خلال الثلث الثالث من الحمل.
إذا درسنا طفلاً بشريًا باهتمام ، يمكننا أن نتعلم الكثير عن الحياة الخيالية غير المعلنة لحديثي الولادة. على سبيل المثال ، إذا بدأ الطفل في البكاء ثم وضعت الأم المحبة الطفل على صدرها ، لتهدئة الرضيع وإشباع رغبته في تناول الحليب ، فربما نستنتج بشكل معقول أن الطفل كان يريد الحليب ، أو نوع ما من مادة شبيهة بالطعام ، والتي في مناسبات سابقة (يقصد المؤلف في الرحم) أزالت بطريقة سحرية الألم من معدة الطفل؟ قد يجادل المعالجون النفسيون الفرويديون مثلي بأنه حتى في هذه السن المبكرة تحتوي أذهاننا على العديد من الأفكار والرغبات ، والتي لا نشارك معظمها مع الآخرين ، والعديد منها لا نفهمه تمامًا.
بينما نتقدم من فترة الرضاعة إلى الطفولة ، تدور تخيلاتنا بشكل أقل فأقل حول حليب الثدي الفعلي أو الزجاجات التي تبقينا على قيد الحياة ؛ بدلاً من ذلك ، تبدأ التخيلات في التطور إلى تحولات أكثر رمزية لأشياء تخص الحب المبكر . على سبيل المثال ، قد يتوق صبي صغير بشدة إلى لعبة معينة كهدية عيد ميلاد ، ويأمل بفارغ الصبر أن تعرف والدته أو والده (أو بابا نويل) هذه الرغبة القوية أو الخيال ويتصرف وفقًا لذلك. مع تقدمنا في السن ، لا نتوق فقط للأشياء الخارجية الملموسة ، مثل دمية دب أو دمية باربي ؛ نحن نتوق ، بالإضافة إلى ذلك ، إلى هويات جديدة. قد يتظاهر الطفل الصغير - الذي يتمنى من صميم قلبه أن يصبح هاري بوتر - بالطيران على عصا مكنسة ، أو بأداء خدع سحرية بدائية ، وقد تقفز فتاة صغيرة لأعلى ولأسفل مع فرشاة شعر في يدها ، متظاهرة بأنها نجمة موسيقى البوب ، ربما بيونسيه.
مع تقدمنا في السن ، تتطور تخيلاتنا بطرق أكثر تعقيدًا. قد يتخيل صبي يبلغ من العمر سبعة عشر عامًا منغمسًا بعمق في آلام الامتحانات المدرسية أنه سيحقق نتائج مرضية بدرجة كافية للالتحاق بجامعة مرموقة. قد تحلم أخته البالغة من العمر ثمانية عشر عامًا ، والتي جاءت حديثًا من فترة الصيف في معسكر تنس ، بأن تصبح فينوس ويليامز التالية. عشية الزفاف ، قد يتخيل الشاب أو الشابة أن الحب سوف يستمر إلى الأبد وأن الاتحاد سينجب طفلين سليمين ، صبي وفتاة.
قد يتخيل الآخرون بأنهم سوف يصبحوا رؤساء لمجلس الإدارة ، أو مليونيريين ، أو ببساطة مشهورين. مهما كان المحتوى ، فإن كل إنسان واعٍ يتشارك مع الجميع في عملية خلق الأوهام - في كثير من الأحيان ، ملايين لا حصر لها من التخيلات - على مدار حياته.
.
Bret Kahr
Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
إذا درسنا طفلاً بشريًا باهتمام ، يمكننا أن نتعلم الكثير عن الحياة الخيالية غير المعلنة لحديثي الولادة. على سبيل المثال ، إذا بدأ الطفل في البكاء ثم وضعت الأم المحبة الطفل على صدرها ، لتهدئة الرضيع وإشباع رغبته في تناول الحليب ، فربما نستنتج بشكل معقول أن الطفل كان يريد الحليب ، أو نوع ما من مادة شبيهة بالطعام ، والتي في مناسبات سابقة (يقصد المؤلف في الرحم) أزالت بطريقة سحرية الألم من معدة الطفل؟ قد يجادل المعالجون النفسيون الفرويديون مثلي بأنه حتى في هذه السن المبكرة تحتوي أذهاننا على العديد من الأفكار والرغبات ، والتي لا نشارك معظمها مع الآخرين ، والعديد منها لا نفهمه تمامًا.
بينما نتقدم من فترة الرضاعة إلى الطفولة ، تدور تخيلاتنا بشكل أقل فأقل حول حليب الثدي الفعلي أو الزجاجات التي تبقينا على قيد الحياة ؛ بدلاً من ذلك ، تبدأ التخيلات في التطور إلى تحولات أكثر رمزية لأشياء تخص الحب المبكر . على سبيل المثال ، قد يتوق صبي صغير بشدة إلى لعبة معينة كهدية عيد ميلاد ، ويأمل بفارغ الصبر أن تعرف والدته أو والده (أو بابا نويل) هذه الرغبة القوية أو الخيال ويتصرف وفقًا لذلك. مع تقدمنا في السن ، لا نتوق فقط للأشياء الخارجية الملموسة ، مثل دمية دب أو دمية باربي ؛ نحن نتوق ، بالإضافة إلى ذلك ، إلى هويات جديدة. قد يتظاهر الطفل الصغير - الذي يتمنى من صميم قلبه أن يصبح هاري بوتر - بالطيران على عصا مكنسة ، أو بأداء خدع سحرية بدائية ، وقد تقفز فتاة صغيرة لأعلى ولأسفل مع فرشاة شعر في يدها ، متظاهرة بأنها نجمة موسيقى البوب ، ربما بيونسيه.
مع تقدمنا في السن ، تتطور تخيلاتنا بطرق أكثر تعقيدًا. قد يتخيل صبي يبلغ من العمر سبعة عشر عامًا منغمسًا بعمق في آلام الامتحانات المدرسية أنه سيحقق نتائج مرضية بدرجة كافية للالتحاق بجامعة مرموقة. قد تحلم أخته البالغة من العمر ثمانية عشر عامًا ، والتي جاءت حديثًا من فترة الصيف في معسكر تنس ، بأن تصبح فينوس ويليامز التالية. عشية الزفاف ، قد يتخيل الشاب أو الشابة أن الحب سوف يستمر إلى الأبد وأن الاتحاد سينجب طفلين سليمين ، صبي وفتاة.
قد يتخيل الآخرون بأنهم سوف يصبحوا رؤساء لمجلس الإدارة ، أو مليونيريين ، أو ببساطة مشهورين. مهما كان المحتوى ، فإن كل إنسان واعٍ يتشارك مع الجميع في عملية خلق الأوهام - في كثير من الأحيان ، ملايين لا حصر لها من التخيلات - على مدار حياته.
.
Bret Kahr
Who's Been Sleeping In Your Head
Translated By #Maher_Razouk
May 9, 2013
I was hoping for more psychology and fewer descriptions of people's fantasies. It reads more like "porn by way of science" than "why people have the fantasies they do and how the subconscious processes desires." I mean, there's some of that in the beginning, but then it's just fantasy descriptions.
Also, Kahr is a Freudian, and I am not into Freud at all. The guy's been thoroughly debunked, except for a couple of ideas. And seeing someone in modern times who actually falls for all the old ideas annoys the hell out of me. Oh well, another one for the discard pile...
Also, Kahr is a Freudian, and I am not into Freud at all. The guy's been thoroughly debunked, except for a couple of ideas. And seeing someone in modern times who actually falls for all the old ideas annoys the hell out of me. Oh well, another one for the discard pile...
October 9, 2017
To be fair, I read about 20 pages and then decided to find something else on sexual fantasy. His style of writing and overall voice/tone made me feel like I was reading something from the 1840s, not the 21st century.
March 28, 2014
As is often the case on road trips and long flights I was able to get some good reading and writing done… maybe I need to find a way to do this more. Anyway, I finished reading “Who’s Been Sleeping in Your Head?” by Brett Kahr. This 400-page book is the culmination of a multi-year study conducted primarily in the UK (though there are some US participants) about people’s sexual fantasies. These fantasies are what goes through a person’s head during masturbation and sex with a partner. The research was conducted through online surveys completed by over 23,000 people and 122 intensive face-to-face interviews with volunteers. It appears to be the most comprehensive attempt to catalog and interpret human sexual fantasies that anyone has ever done.
While I found the intentions of the study and premise of the book fascinating my feelings towards the book are bitter-sweet. As a Freudian psychotherapist Kahr spent much of his time focusing, analyzing, and, in my opinion, unjustifiably fishing or hoping for childhood trauma to explain sexual fantasies that people had. He mentions alternative approaches like evolutionary psychology only twice and only in passing. I understand that he is a Freudian but if his attempt was to objectively or comprehensively attempt to look into sexual fantasies and their foundation (if one exists) he should have brought in some alternative view points. To him humans seem to be born as a blank slate with no genetic predispositions or tendencies in place from evolution.
Kahr often at times come off as a bit judgemental and sex-negative, and even a bit LGBTphobic. He focuses several times on homosexuality possibly being linked to childhood trauma and child rearing but little acknowledgement of a biological aspect. He also seems to see all cross-dressers as “transvestites”. It also seemed like a negative judgement when he penned the term “intra-marital affair” to describe thinking about someone other than your spouse, as if thinking of another is a form of cheating. Some may agree that fantasies are cheating (but if they really are based in trauma or evolution it is cheating we have little to no control over) not everyone does and I think it weakens the betrayal of true affairs if we attach that phrase to a passing thought during masturbation.
Clearly, I have some problems with Kahr’s approach, but I want to give him some benefit of the doubt, it is possible that there is a generational gap and cultural one between he and I. He is British and a bit older than I, while Americans and our friends across the pond are similar in many ways I can’t help but wonder if the stereotypes about prudish non-sexual Brits might have some truth to it. It has also been almost a decade since this project started and a lot has changed in sexual research and views on fantasies in the last 10 years, particularly with the exponential growth of internet access and the pornography that comes with it.
There were also some wonderful things within the book though, and I actually very highly recommend it. Kahr’s analysis later in the book provides a lot of great information and provides some support to his hypothesis in some of the cases. There clearly can be a trauma at the foundation of sexual fantasies, and many of these trauma fantasies are causing great distress and harm to the individuals. In cases where people can’t live the lives they want or have the relationships they desire it is a problem, such as the case of “Julius” who has only been able to masturbate to mental images of a girl who tormented him in his adolescence and he has not had a long-term relationship in nearly 50 years.
I would have loved to see more research and questions about the ramifications of opening up about your fantasies to your significant others. Kahr mentions a few in one chapter but for the most part glosses over any potential benefits and instead focuses on trauma and harm. In my experience being open and honest with your partner about desires and what goes on in your head can have a bonding effect and open the door for new real life experiences. If we decide to enter into a partnership something as intimate and important as sex should not be a taboo subject. Much of the negative aspects seem to come from our social stigmas against sexuality as much as childhood events. As a culture if we can admit that sex is a healthy and enjoyable part of the human experience we can reduce the pain, suffering, and shame that seems to accompany so many fantasies.
Kahr does admit that this is just a beginning, and like a good scientist he hopes others will dive into the data, conduct their own studies, and come up with alternative hypothesis. I would love to see a larger sample size of humans from more diverse backgrounds. What is true for Brits (and in this case a few Americans) may not be true for Australians, Italians, Russians, Kenyans, Colombians, Thai, Egyptians, etc. The more information the better and it looks like this is a field ripe for research and exploration.
I definitely recommend this book for many different people. If you just have an interest in sexuality there is a lot to love about this book, as well if you are interested in seeing how a Freudian interprets things, though I would recommend skipping or skimming Section II if you get bored with it. You can only read poorly written erotica for pages and pages for so long before it becomes a blur. It is also a good resource for people who have anxiety about what goes on in their own heads. It will become quickly clear that “normal” fantasies don’t exist, and because of that there is really nothing that is “weird” or “abnormal”. Some people don’t fantasize at all, some think only about their spouse, some focus more on feelings while others have elaborate situations they play in their head, some people think of college professors, siblings, strangers, movie stars, and inanimate objects. Some people like to be raped, piss on people while they are shitting, or change genders. Some like to be whipped while others like to be bought a nice romantic dinner followed by a massage and some cunnilingus. The limits to human sexual fantasies are only restricted by the combined imagination of billions of people.
While I found the intentions of the study and premise of the book fascinating my feelings towards the book are bitter-sweet. As a Freudian psychotherapist Kahr spent much of his time focusing, analyzing, and, in my opinion, unjustifiably fishing or hoping for childhood trauma to explain sexual fantasies that people had. He mentions alternative approaches like evolutionary psychology only twice and only in passing. I understand that he is a Freudian but if his attempt was to objectively or comprehensively attempt to look into sexual fantasies and their foundation (if one exists) he should have brought in some alternative view points. To him humans seem to be born as a blank slate with no genetic predispositions or tendencies in place from evolution.
Kahr often at times come off as a bit judgemental and sex-negative, and even a bit LGBTphobic. He focuses several times on homosexuality possibly being linked to childhood trauma and child rearing but little acknowledgement of a biological aspect. He also seems to see all cross-dressers as “transvestites”. It also seemed like a negative judgement when he penned the term “intra-marital affair” to describe thinking about someone other than your spouse, as if thinking of another is a form of cheating. Some may agree that fantasies are cheating (but if they really are based in trauma or evolution it is cheating we have little to no control over) not everyone does and I think it weakens the betrayal of true affairs if we attach that phrase to a passing thought during masturbation.
Clearly, I have some problems with Kahr’s approach, but I want to give him some benefit of the doubt, it is possible that there is a generational gap and cultural one between he and I. He is British and a bit older than I, while Americans and our friends across the pond are similar in many ways I can’t help but wonder if the stereotypes about prudish non-sexual Brits might have some truth to it. It has also been almost a decade since this project started and a lot has changed in sexual research and views on fantasies in the last 10 years, particularly with the exponential growth of internet access and the pornography that comes with it.
There were also some wonderful things within the book though, and I actually very highly recommend it. Kahr’s analysis later in the book provides a lot of great information and provides some support to his hypothesis in some of the cases. There clearly can be a trauma at the foundation of sexual fantasies, and many of these trauma fantasies are causing great distress and harm to the individuals. In cases where people can’t live the lives they want or have the relationships they desire it is a problem, such as the case of “Julius” who has only been able to masturbate to mental images of a girl who tormented him in his adolescence and he has not had a long-term relationship in nearly 50 years.
I would have loved to see more research and questions about the ramifications of opening up about your fantasies to your significant others. Kahr mentions a few in one chapter but for the most part glosses over any potential benefits and instead focuses on trauma and harm. In my experience being open and honest with your partner about desires and what goes on in your head can have a bonding effect and open the door for new real life experiences. If we decide to enter into a partnership something as intimate and important as sex should not be a taboo subject. Much of the negative aspects seem to come from our social stigmas against sexuality as much as childhood events. As a culture if we can admit that sex is a healthy and enjoyable part of the human experience we can reduce the pain, suffering, and shame that seems to accompany so many fantasies.
Kahr does admit that this is just a beginning, and like a good scientist he hopes others will dive into the data, conduct their own studies, and come up with alternative hypothesis. I would love to see a larger sample size of humans from more diverse backgrounds. What is true for Brits (and in this case a few Americans) may not be true for Australians, Italians, Russians, Kenyans, Colombians, Thai, Egyptians, etc. The more information the better and it looks like this is a field ripe for research and exploration.
I definitely recommend this book for many different people. If you just have an interest in sexuality there is a lot to love about this book, as well if you are interested in seeing how a Freudian interprets things, though I would recommend skipping or skimming Section II if you get bored with it. You can only read poorly written erotica for pages and pages for so long before it becomes a blur. It is also a good resource for people who have anxiety about what goes on in their own heads. It will become quickly clear that “normal” fantasies don’t exist, and because of that there is really nothing that is “weird” or “abnormal”. Some people don’t fantasize at all, some think only about their spouse, some focus more on feelings while others have elaborate situations they play in their head, some people think of college professors, siblings, strangers, movie stars, and inanimate objects. Some people like to be raped, piss on people while they are shitting, or change genders. Some like to be whipped while others like to be bought a nice romantic dinner followed by a massage and some cunnilingus. The limits to human sexual fantasies are only restricted by the combined imagination of billions of people.
July 20, 2021
Before you decide to read:
There are graphic accounts of sadistic and masochistic content verbatim of the interviewed subject.
There were a lot of parts that made me put down the book and come back to it the next day.
While written from a purely academic perspective it has to be noted that some of the content discussed will inspire your morality and biases to become present, to put it delicately.
Now the review _________________________________
It was interesting to read a Psychotherapist review of a mass sample of the population from the UK and the US.
Three things I appreciated:
• Dr. Kahr did not paraphrase the interview responses, he provides the reader with verbatim accounts of the fantasies recalled.
• Dr. Kahr does his best to keep his input from a professional vantage point and when he experiences his own biases and morality influence he does his best to acknowledge them.
• There is an effort to express when outliers are present.
Three things I didn’t appreciate
• (maybe this was because it was more challenging content for me to digest) there were not enough examples on very positive impacts on the fantasy experience. The interpretation was heavily rooted in a trauma. Which is a message that has been spread since the advent of the psychotherapy field as it was related to sexuality. His view did not add any insight into the evolution of the interpretation of certain fantasies and behaviors outside of acknowledging the DSM5 manual classification changes.
• It read more like a sensationalized thought piece at times.
• I found myself wishing there was follow up with some of the subjects, to understand the long term affects of them tipping their toe into understanding the origins of their desires: Did their fantasies change? How did they view themselves? As a result of their view of self did their behavior outside of their sexuality change?
Overall:
I enjoyed reading the book as it was my first introduction into a professional psychotherapist experience with human sexuality and understanding sexual desires and behavior. If you are versed in human sexuality I don’t think you need to add this to your list of reading as you probably have already encountered something like this.
There are graphic accounts of sadistic and masochistic content verbatim of the interviewed subject.
There were a lot of parts that made me put down the book and come back to it the next day.
While written from a purely academic perspective it has to be noted that some of the content discussed will inspire your morality and biases to become present, to put it delicately.
Now the review _________________________________
It was interesting to read a Psychotherapist review of a mass sample of the population from the UK and the US.
Three things I appreciated:
• Dr. Kahr did not paraphrase the interview responses, he provides the reader with verbatim accounts of the fantasies recalled.
• Dr. Kahr does his best to keep his input from a professional vantage point and when he experiences his own biases and morality influence he does his best to acknowledge them.
• There is an effort to express when outliers are present.
Three things I didn’t appreciate
• (maybe this was because it was more challenging content for me to digest) there were not enough examples on very positive impacts on the fantasy experience. The interpretation was heavily rooted in a trauma. Which is a message that has been spread since the advent of the psychotherapy field as it was related to sexuality. His view did not add any insight into the evolution of the interpretation of certain fantasies and behaviors outside of acknowledging the DSM5 manual classification changes.
• It read more like a sensationalized thought piece at times.
• I found myself wishing there was follow up with some of the subjects, to understand the long term affects of them tipping their toe into understanding the origins of their desires: Did their fantasies change? How did they view themselves? As a result of their view of self did their behavior outside of their sexuality change?
Overall:
I enjoyed reading the book as it was my first introduction into a professional psychotherapist experience with human sexuality and understanding sexual desires and behavior. If you are versed in human sexuality I don’t think you need to add this to your list of reading as you probably have already encountered something like this.
February 7, 2011
Pretty disappointing. Although this book is over 500 pages pages long in ebook form, you don't even get much of an analysis until page 300 or so. The majority of the book is just transcriptions of people's fantasies, which, although occasionally interesting, aren't what I read the book for.
The guy who wrote this book is a Freudian so all of the analysis is going to come through that lens. Sometimes he is able to make his interpretation fit quite nicely and other times the foundation is an idiom or a pun (woman is attracted to stars = maybe it has something to do with the phrase "seeing stars" = her fantasy is related to this one time she got beat up). Those parts make me want to die.
Towards the end of the book we get some of the author's thoughts about the "why", but they're somewhat sparse and obvious. At least they're neatly organized.
I actually learned much more about how psychoanalysts approach patients than anything else because he goes to great lengths to recall his sessions.
The guy who wrote this book is a Freudian so all of the analysis is going to come through that lens. Sometimes he is able to make his interpretation fit quite nicely and other times the foundation is an idiom or a pun (woman is attracted to stars = maybe it has something to do with the phrase "seeing stars" = her fantasy is related to this one time she got beat up). Those parts make me want to die.
Towards the end of the book we get some of the author's thoughts about the "why", but they're somewhat sparse and obvious. At least they're neatly organized.
I actually learned much more about how psychoanalysts approach patients than anything else because he goes to great lengths to recall his sessions.
March 16, 2009
This book is about sexual fantasies, and tries to explore why they happen. (-: The author seems to be Quite Impressed with his huge data, and I admit, it sounds like collecting it was an endeavor.
The fantasies themselves range from non-existent to titillating to disturbing, but Kahr's analysis of them is quite interesting and can lead to insights.
Kahr is an unrepentant Freudian, but he doesn't really condemn fantasies as infantile. He lists some of the reasons people fantasize, and praises some fantasies as coping mechanisms.
Can you change fantasies? Kahr says basically no, but he does provide some tantalizing hints about modifying fantasies to be more comfortable to people who are disturbed by their fantasies.
If you want to understand more about your own fantasies, I recommend this book as a good starting place. Also, I recommend reading the acknowlegements and other end notes; it looks like there are some very good sources for people looking for more help.
The fantasies themselves range from non-existent to titillating to disturbing, but Kahr's analysis of them is quite interesting and can lead to insights.
Kahr is an unrepentant Freudian, but he doesn't really condemn fantasies as infantile. He lists some of the reasons people fantasize, and praises some fantasies as coping mechanisms.
Can you change fantasies? Kahr says basically no, but he does provide some tantalizing hints about modifying fantasies to be more comfortable to people who are disturbed by their fantasies.
If you want to understand more about your own fantasies, I recommend this book as a good starting place. Also, I recommend reading the acknowlegements and other end notes; it looks like there are some very good sources for people looking for more help.
November 4, 2008
After surveying more than 20,000 adults for their sexual fantasies, Brett organizes the types of fantasies somewhat loosely (understandable given the scope of the study) and then reflects on them as a psychotherapist. He clearly comes from the tradition of Freudian psychology, and so his interpretations come from that perspective.
Readers will find the fantasies anything from exciting to downright disturbing, and will also appreciate that their private kinks "are not alone." I think I most appreciated his reflections on his profession - how it is far easier to fall into an "entrenched position" when examining sexual fantasies rather than understanding that therapist's interpretations, like the fantasies themselves, can be on a spectrum.
This is a book to sip and ponder, and should definitely not be attempted in one sitting.
Readers will find the fantasies anything from exciting to downright disturbing, and will also appreciate that their private kinks "are not alone." I think I most appreciated his reflections on his profession - how it is far easier to fall into an "entrenched position" when examining sexual fantasies rather than understanding that therapist's interpretations, like the fantasies themselves, can be on a spectrum.
This is a book to sip and ponder, and should definitely not be attempted in one sitting.
Currently reading
August 5, 2009First, a huge disclaimer that the writer believes homosexuality is deviant behavior, and not in the neutral sense. I was kind of shocked when I read that early on in the book, but I can't find the section now to offer the exact quote. But, I continue, gleaning what I can.
The author is a psychotherapist/researcher so the book is a clinical take (why and how we fantasize) on hetero, mostly anglo, sexual fantasies (US and GB). And all I have to say so far is, damn, this makes me feel normal!
My favorite fantasy so far (granted it's pulled from the Possibly Bogus section, but it'd be so great if it were real):
Me and my partner, me in monkey suit, her greased up with batter and a large traffic cone on her head.
The author is a psychotherapist/researcher so the book is a clinical take (why and how we fantasize) on hetero, mostly anglo, sexual fantasies (US and GB). And all I have to say so far is, damn, this makes me feel normal!
My favorite fantasy so far (granted it's pulled from the Possibly Bogus section, but it'd be so great if it were real):
Me and my partner, me in monkey suit, her greased up with batter and a large traffic cone on her head.
July 13, 2011
What do you fantasize about? How do you view intimacy and sex? Do you struggle with gender identifiction? Will your childhood affect your mental idea of yourself, and your fantasies? Are you embarassed or ok with your sexuality and thoughts? If you find these questions interesting and are curious then maybe this is the book for you. Itshows the process we experience from birth to adulthood which make us who and how we are with partners in all aspects. A very good read!
September 22, 2008
The most thoughtful, rigorous and humble research into human sexuality since Kinsey 60 years ago. Find out how extraordinarily wide is the field of human sexual fantasy and experience, but how cramped and unfree an individual's fantasies may be. And why fantasy so often differs from what an individual talks about and does sexually.
Read
September 22, 2010Perhaps the worst book ever written by a seriously repressed Freudian. How this is called non-fiction, I have no idea. This book was not set aside lightly. It was thrown with great force.
November 26, 2014
Couldn't put it down
December 14, 2011
Fantastic collection of sexual fantasies, some utterly bizarre.
January 27, 2019
Very technical at times, but fascinating and eye opening throughout.
September 18, 2017
If you are looking for a good exploration of sexual fantasies and their possible interpretations, this case study book is for you. The author takes a thorough look at his research to enlighten us about the subject matter. I got this copy from my local library's book sale and it was worth the 400 pages. Keep an open mind when reading it and you can find some benefit without needing to talk to a professional.
October 7, 2018
The writing style was too academic, with too many examples of fantasies. Reading so many fantasies got boring. I skimmed a lot to try to find the analysis I was hoping for, but his basic premise that fantasies are a way to cope with trauma kept repeating itself. I got the point and put the book down. Freudian analysis really is getting dated, maybe if this survey was examined through a different lense it could be more insightful.
September 5, 2021
Kahr comes to no groundbreaking conclusions about the source of sexual fantasy, and blames it on childhood events.
Vague/grand statements are made, and soon after it started I found myself wondering what the point of reading the different fantasies people had was. (unless you're looking for borderline smut)
Surprisingly, other than the accounts of fantasies, there was not much to discover in this one.
Vague/grand statements are made, and soon after it started I found myself wondering what the point of reading the different fantasies people had was. (unless you're looking for borderline smut)
Surprisingly, other than the accounts of fantasies, there was not much to discover in this one.
October 30, 2017
Er mocht best wat meer analyse aan te pas komen, maar de talrijke voorbeelden van wat mensen zoal opwindt maken veel goed.
January 21, 2018
Very well researched and educational, but not a great one to read on the bus before work.
February 10, 2019
The book could have been a bit condensed.
June 13, 2021
Meaningless pseudo science or "porn systemised in categories", hard to tell. A sign-of-the-times writing of no genuinely humane use.
November 7, 2023
In all fairness this was on my list for years and I thought it was more about dreams than fantasies. I thought the content was too long and repetitive without any real conclusions.
March 27, 2014
3.5 stars really. I don't know if I'm really sold on Kahr's arguments and analysis, but he did make me look at this subject from a different perspective, which is a nice challenge sometimes. He doesn't particularly go into a huge variety of fantasies and their causes or hidden meanings, even though he laundry lists pages and pages of them from his research. (I could have done without that. Most were so commonplace that they really didn't need to be repeated ad nauseum throughout the book.) I think he would have been more successful if he had addressed a wider variety of fantasies in more detail instead of just listing survey participants' answers verbatim and commenting on one or two of them specifically per chapter. Though of course his research was the foundation for the book, some historical perspectives would have been interesting too.
Kahr is a strong proponent of the theory that masochism and rape fantasies generally are a result of past (usually repressed) sexual abuse - a theory that I hear Dr. Drew spouting off on his radio show regularly. I find that a relatively dangerous assumption to make, as well, Kahr's views on S&M being really, the only true perversion I thought was a bit antiquated and questionable. His Freudian background was VERY apparent, and again, a bit outdated, but I can see the reasoning behind some of the parallels he observes.
An interesting read, not particularly shocking or innovative, but fascinating all the same.
Kahr is a strong proponent of the theory that masochism and rape fantasies generally are a result of past (usually repressed) sexual abuse - a theory that I hear Dr. Drew spouting off on his radio show regularly. I find that a relatively dangerous assumption to make, as well, Kahr's views on S&M being really, the only true perversion I thought was a bit antiquated and questionable. His Freudian background was VERY apparent, and again, a bit outdated, but I can see the reasoning behind some of the parallels he observes.
An interesting read, not particularly shocking or innovative, but fascinating all the same.
February 25, 2024
I remember reading this book as a sophomore in college, back when I aspired to become a sex therapist for the modern age. At the time, I felt it was cutting edge analysis and was inspired at the objectiveness of this clinical sample set. Too often we don't allow ourselves to be open with anyone about our fantasies out of fear of judgement or mockery. For anyone who is feeling on the shy side of exploring their own inner worlds, or think perhaps their mind is too 'out there' for anyone to accept them, this may be a reassuring text to pick up. It may make you more brave.
However, the author is incredibly upfront about their Freudian analytic style, which means that by the end of all assessments, each fantasy is tied back to a childhood trauma. In a Christian based Western culture, this type of analysis when exploring sexuality is likely to do more harm than good. Much like 80's horror films that juxtapose sexual urges with horrific deaths, it's not a far cry for the conclusions of this book to reinforce one's subconscious beliefs that sex = bad things.
It's a notable sample set and a thorough exploration from what I recall, but I would be interested to see what non Freudian psychologists ma conclude from this data. It is very much a text of its time, but certainly not the final destination of someone exploring this topic in more depth.
However, the author is incredibly upfront about their Freudian analytic style, which means that by the end of all assessments, each fantasy is tied back to a childhood trauma. In a Christian based Western culture, this type of analysis when exploring sexuality is likely to do more harm than good. Much like 80's horror films that juxtapose sexual urges with horrific deaths, it's not a far cry for the conclusions of this book to reinforce one's subconscious beliefs that sex = bad things.
It's a notable sample set and a thorough exploration from what I recall, but I would be interested to see what non Freudian psychologists ma conclude from this data. It is very much a text of its time, but certainly not the final destination of someone exploring this topic in more depth.
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