The Velveteen Father: An Unexpected Journey to Parenthood

by Jesse Green

Being a parent was not a high priority--or even much of a likelihood--for acclaimed journalist and novelist Jesse Green. Yet when Green, at the age of thirty-seven, fell in love with a man who had recently adopted a baby boy, fatherhood suddenly fell into his lap. Now in this warm, humorous, deeply personal book, Green recounts the unexpected journey he and his partner traveled together on the road to parenthood.

In becoming the father--or rather one of the fathers--of Erez, Green faced challenges familiar to all parents, from the first bath to the first tooth, along with a host of dilemmas unique to his situation. As Green discovered, even in blasé New York City, reactions to his unconventional family ranged from the funny to the frightening, the unaccepting to the all-embracing. The Velveteen Father is a moving record of the transformative effects parenthood can have on people who least expect to become parents-- and of how we are repeatedly made anew by the love of children who need us.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, LGBT, Adoption, Gay, Biography Memoir, Parenting

256 pages, Paperback

First published May 11, 1999

Reviews

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title drew me in, it is genius. This book was so beautifully written. It is the story of a man, who falls in love with another man who happens to be the newly adoptive father of a baby. So the relationship progresses, and the author, who never intended to become a father, learns how fatherhood comes to "make him real" and helps fulfill his life. The story in and of itself is not terribly original, it is just one man's account of a chapter in his life, but it is so beautifully written that I could not put it down! I could relate to so many of the feelings he has about being a new parent, even though we are worlds apart. The author is a gay man from NYC, I'm a married heterosexual woman from the suburbs...yet so many of his experiences I could relate to my own. I loved at the end how the couple desperately searches for a preschool that is both nearby and sincere about children, and somehow end up at the Orthodox Jewish school. I compeletely understand that...it's the sincerity and honesty that they craved, even if the Orthodox are sincere about different things than they are. Being true to oneself is a running theme...as it is in the lives of many of us! I am so curious to find out how their children grow up and how it all works out. I hope there is another book in his future.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this for a friend, but decided that I should read it before giving just in case it turned out to be terrible. The topics involved were serious, after all, so it didn't seem like a book to give lightly.
At first, I was worried. The first part of the book is okay, but meanders a lot. The second part piles word upon word without furthering the story or clarifying anything. I feel bad for putting it that way, but I was 100 pages in and uncomfortably wondering what else I could find my friend for Christmas. Fortunately I kept reading, because the third and fourth parts are very good and they are the reason that I will give the book as intended.
I liked the way Green explored what it meant to be an adult, how we know when we've achieved it, and how we are supposed to feel about the process. I liked his exploration of the same ideas only for parenthood, too. The lens through which he's examining these concepts isn't mine, but he's eloquent about it and he made me think. I liked his honesty about the nature of memoirs.
I will suggest my friend skim if she gets bogged down, but I hope she likes the bulk of it as much as I did.

[Esther Dushinsky · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked so much of this book, but the writing was a bit confusing, shifting gears and styles somewhat.

[Toby C · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a new parent within the LGBTQ+ community, this book was recommended to me by another parent within the community. Non-fiction is not my usual reading material, as they sometimes come across too matter-of-fact and without the nuance and subtlety of fiction writing. The writing can be drier and denser, without the luxuries of scenes and dialogue to spice up the text. However, in an effort to expand my reading horizons and read about a (potentially) similar experience to mine, I dove into this book.

Overall, I liked it. The writing was witty, but dense at times, as I expected. There were also references to people, brands, or pop culture that do not easily translate to my reading, almost 25 years after it was published. These references are distracting at worst, an inside joke I don't fully understand.

The parts that resonated with me were the discussions surrounding the LGBTQ+ community and our growing desires for families of our own. Much of the sentiments experienced by the author and his partner are similar to the feelings that I had, and it was refreshing to see that some things can be (at least to some degree) universal.

I was also drawn to the description of the LGBTQ+ community as it existed at that time. Same-sex adoptions were only just becoming recognized and more prevalent, and this (despite my protestations of pop cultures references I don't understand) wasn't that long ago. This book is written pre-marriage equality, so the struggles experienced by this author didn't even have the protections we have today, ensuring that both parents are recognized as such by law.

The setting is also during the AIDS crisis, and the offhand, almost commonplace, commentary of people dying from AIDS was awful. More devastating was the description of massive amounts of children born HIV positive flooding the adoption market, but left to die alone and unloved by families who didn't want to take in sick, incurable babies; only to finally be permitted to be adopted by the LGBTQ+ community, who were willing to love and care for and bury these sick babies alongside their dead friends.

Yes, the subject matter can be harsh or funny. I appreciated the opportunity to learn more about my community and our journey to get where we are today. I would recommend this book for LGBTQ+ parents for some useful perspective on what life was like for people like us not too long ago. It's interesting to see what has changed (and perhaps more importantly, despite all the steps forward, what has not changed).

If you're interested in reading a memoir with a happy ending, this is also a very satisfying read. While not what I usually pick off the shelf, I'm overall pleased that I read this book, and the impact it left on me.

[Summer Cosgrove · Rating 3 out of 5]

My mom gave me this book a long time ago when I moved to Brooklyn. It's a memoir by a gay man and his trek into parenthood through adoption. I enjoyed the topic and anecdotes on his two sons, but some of the writing was dry and overly high falutin, so I wouldn't exactly call it a pleasure read. It's probably best for someone who is about to embark on, or has embarked on adoption. Thank goodness books like this exist though.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

An intelligent, touching, and funny memoir of the author and his partner Andy becoming fathers when Andy adopts two sons. I enjoyed the dynamic between introverted writer Jesse and outgoing teacher Andy.

[Joe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of my favorite books. I read this during a time of intense parental urges. It made me want to be a father.

[Yeva · Rating 2 out of 5]

Finally had to stop on this one for awhile. Just too meandering, and I wanted to read their story, but so much was just opinion--not story.