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Confessions of the Other Mother: Non-Biological Lesbian Moms Tell All
One of the few books to explore lesbian parenting, these “hilarious, heart-wrenching, painfully honest tales of mommyhood” celebrate the ups and downs of being an LGBTQIA+ parent in the 21st century (Joey Solloway, creator of Transparent ).
After author Harlyn Aizley gave birth to her daughter, she watched in unanticipated horror as her partner scooped up the baby and said, “I'm your new mommy!” While they both had worked to find the perfect sperm donor, Aizley had spent nine months carrying the baby and hours in labor, so how could her partner claim to be their child's mommy?
Many diapers later, Aizley began to appreciate the complexity of her partner’s new role as the other mother. Together, they searched for stories about families like their own, in which a woman has chosen to forgo her own birth experience so that she might support her partner in hers. They found very few. Now, in Confessions of the Other Mother, Aizley has put together an exciting collection of personal stories by women like her partner who are creating new parenting roles, redefining motherhood, and reshaping our view of two-parent families. Contributors include Hillary Goodridge, who was one of the lead plaintiffs in the case for same-sex marriage in Massachusetts, stand-up comedian Judy Gold, and psychologist and author Suzanne M. Johnson.
This candid peek into a previously unexamined side of lesbian parenting is full of stories that are sometimes humorous, sometimes moving, but at all times celebratory. Each parenting tale sheds light on the many facets of motherhood, offering gay and straight readers alike a deeper understanding of what it means to love and parent in the twenty-first century.
After author Harlyn Aizley gave birth to her daughter, she watched in unanticipated horror as her partner scooped up the baby and said, “I'm your new mommy!” While they both had worked to find the perfect sperm donor, Aizley had spent nine months carrying the baby and hours in labor, so how could her partner claim to be their child's mommy?
Many diapers later, Aizley began to appreciate the complexity of her partner’s new role as the other mother. Together, they searched for stories about families like their own, in which a woman has chosen to forgo her own birth experience so that she might support her partner in hers. They found very few. Now, in Confessions of the Other Mother, Aizley has put together an exciting collection of personal stories by women like her partner who are creating new parenting roles, redefining motherhood, and reshaping our view of two-parent families. Contributors include Hillary Goodridge, who was one of the lead plaintiffs in the case for same-sex marriage in Massachusetts, stand-up comedian Judy Gold, and psychologist and author Suzanne M. Johnson.
This candid peek into a previously unexamined side of lesbian parenting is full of stories that are sometimes humorous, sometimes moving, but at all times celebratory. Each parenting tale sheds light on the many facets of motherhood, offering gay and straight readers alike a deeper understanding of what it means to love and parent in the twenty-first century.
171 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2006
50 people are currently reading
987 people want to read
About the author
Harlyn Aizley
3 books2 followersHarlyn Aizley is the author of the memoir Buying Dad and editor of the anthology Confessions of the Other Mother. Her writing has appeared in literary journals and magazines including 96 Inc.,, Berkeley Fiction Review, and Boston Magazine. A native of New Jersey, she lives in the Boston area with her family.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews
March 3, 2008
As much as I wanted to be a mother, I hadn't really considered that I wouldn't be the mother carrying my child - that I would be the "other" mother. This book was a great help when I was suddenly confronted with being the non-birth mom and let me know that I was not alone in this strange position. Straight society doesn't really have any good labels or concepts of what it means to be the non-birth mom and the dyke community is still trying to define it. This book shares the personal stories of non-bio moms in dyke couples and reflects a wide range of experiences. It doesn't have any magic answers, but it is comforting to know that you're not alone.
January 3, 2012
This book was definitely interesting. As a heterosexual woman, it really opened my eyes to how heteronormative society is, both in regards to parenting as well as pretty much everything else. This book shares the stories of women who are trailblazers in a sense, forging a path where there previously wasn't one. The women talk about the struggles of lesbian co-parenting, but I noticed that the overarching theme was that you love your kid, whether they are your biological kid or not. These women are frankly all awesome. I really enjoyed reading this book and getting a perspective on parenting that is rarely talked about.
December 30, 2015
I got this book suggestion from my friend Audrey and I'm so thankful I did. This book was wonderful and it felt really good to have a little insight from other people in my situation.
Re-read:
I am so glad that I read this book again now that my son is going to be born in a few short weeks. Reading the book comforts me because it can feel like such a lonely affair, being a nonbio mom. I can't wait for my son to arrive and to conquer the challenges that life as a nonbio mom holds for me.
Re-read:
I am so glad that I read this book again now that my son is going to be born in a few short weeks. Reading the book comforts me because it can feel like such a lonely affair, being a nonbio mom. I can't wait for my son to arrive and to conquer the challenges that life as a nonbio mom holds for me.
July 12, 2024
Since I’ve realized I was a lesbian, I’ve been back and forth between if I could see myself being a mom or not. the forth seems to be winning by a lot despite my age and this book did NOT help in swaying me away 😭😭😭😭😭 I teared up multiple times! And the fact that this was all before gay marriage was fully legalized in the U.S. ugh I love lesbians ❤️
January 19, 2023
“Could we afford to raise children? Barely. Would we be good parents? Hopefully. Would our children feel burdened by having lesbian parents? A difficult question. But, we asked ourselves, who can predict, or control, what will cause a child to feel different and uncomfortable?”
um…this shouldn’t have taken me 5 days to finish but this was such a boring ass book. which sucked because the concept is so intriguing and it’s such a great resource for contemporary, unorthodox families. but it robs itself of its own uniqueness by literally only getting content from Jewish, white lesbians from the east coast. I’m deadass not kidding, every single couple/family was this demographic and not only are y’all not funny but you’re also saying the same shit over AND OVER and overrrr again…like who edited this shit?? THEY’RE ALL THE SAME STORY!! so yeah while i respect it for being a resource for people it would’ve been so much more interesting if the couples differed in anyway from one another…fuck this shit fr
um…this shouldn’t have taken me 5 days to finish but this was such a boring ass book. which sucked because the concept is so intriguing and it’s such a great resource for contemporary, unorthodox families. but it robs itself of its own uniqueness by literally only getting content from Jewish, white lesbians from the east coast. I’m deadass not kidding, every single couple/family was this demographic and not only are y’all not funny but you’re also saying the same shit over AND OVER and overrrr again…like who edited this shit?? THEY’RE ALL THE SAME STORY!! so yeah while i respect it for being a resource for people it would’ve been so much more interesting if the couples differed in anyway from one another…fuck this shit fr
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March 18, 2021I tried. I couldn't.
This one is a hard pass for me. And, like, it should have been obvious. This book wasn't meant for me. The language is outdated and not inclusive for queers outside the gender binary - and maybe it wasn't meant to be. I know it's from 2006, but still. I cringed through the entire intro - so minimizing to the experience of nongestational parents. What purpose does that serve??
Maybe other nonbinary or trans, nongestational parents will get something out of this book, but I didn't. So if that's you, tread with caution.
This one is a hard pass for me. And, like, it should have been obvious. This book wasn't meant for me. The language is outdated and not inclusive for queers outside the gender binary - and maybe it wasn't meant to be. I know it's from 2006, but still. I cringed through the entire intro - so minimizing to the experience of nongestational parents. What purpose does that serve??
Maybe other nonbinary or trans, nongestational parents will get something out of this book, but I didn't. So if that's you, tread with caution.
March 31, 2014
There were some real gems in this book, and virtually none of the contributions were unreadable, which is rare for a compilation book. Several stories were dull, though.
December 8, 2011
Good range of stories. Definitely a recommended read for those starting a "non-traditional" family.
October 12, 2012
The writing in this book was mostly mediocre but it was nice to read stories of other nonbiological lesbian mothers. Next time, they should find people who can write better.
May 17, 2019
I read this book in one afternoon, finding the writing to be fairly accessible and not overly academic, as essay compilations can sometimes be. Although this book is mostly geared toward partners' experiences specifically with not being the biological or birth parent, I still found it moving as someone who does plan on being the birth parent in my own relationship. The writing felt honest and thoughtful. As it was published in the early-ish 2000s before same-sex marriage was the law of the land in the U.S. (some of the accounts even take place before same-sex partners were legally able to adopt their own nonbiological children or have birth certificates issued with both parents' names on them), it is maybe now a little out of date if you are looking for more modern experiences of same-sex childbirth and parenting. Could have been more diverse as well in terms of race, cultural background, and gender variation. This book does, as the title indicates, focus on people who identify as lesbians. Overall, minus a couple critiques, I would describe this book as a sort of "chicken soup for the lesbian soul who wants babies". More emotional than informational, but heartwarming and validating for folks in this situation.
January 4, 2024
enjoyed dipping in and out of this - it's a collection of essays about lesbian non bio parenting. opened up lots of fun questions and perspectives id never really considered before
April 8, 2022
An insightful and pleasant read. My main gripe is there was not open inclusion of bi, pan, or trans women’s perspectives. It’s possible some of the authors or their partners fit into this category, but for the most part everyone discussed motherhood from a cis lesbian lens, and I thought the discourse could have been very profound with a more inclusive scope. A product of its time, I suppose, and I’m hopeful for more books on modern dynamics of queer parenting yet to come.
January 10, 2016
What a great collection! As a parent in a different kind of non-traditional family, I was drawn to this book by the idea of learning about others' experiences, and I definitely got what I came for.
This covers a very wide range, from "Watching" where the 'other mother' originally intended to be the birthmother but Nature didn't cooperate; to the "Lesbian Dad" (a non-biological lesbian parent who chose the "Dad" role as her model); to women who have already been birthmothers and are now experiencing being the other parent in a partner's parenting journey, or the other way around; and the more typical but none-the-less important story of the lesbian "step-mom." All kinds of birthing situations are presenting, from the frustrating "And You Are?" where the refusal to recognize lesbian partnerships puts frustrating barriers between partners and child in the hospital, to the amazingly lesbian-friendly midwives plus birthing center, and even combinations: a failed pregnancy with opinionated medical staff for Robin of "From the Outposts," followed by a very positive pregnancy and birthing experience with midwives (though finishing with a c-section) for her partner.
These lesbian parents have thought long and hard about not just gender roles and parenting, but also how lesbian families interact with the larger community. There is the "High-Femme Dad" (whose questions about gender roles and sex lives in parenting sound very dad-to be), the couple who finds themselves explaining their choices to the grandmother's partner and hippy friends, or, in "Naked Brunch," a visit to an accepting great-aunt at the nursing home, where the status of having visitors with a toddler may or may not be altered by the lesbian parents... In "Mr. Anonymous," a non-birthmother struggles with the desire to involve the (accidentally outed) anonymous donor in her child's life now that the family has split. In "Parenting as a Subversive Activity" and "Life as Mama" the authors talk about negotiating work and public relationships-- having a child essential requires a degree of outing. Dawn Beckman and her partner even wrote two psychology books on Lesbian parenting.
Parenting has its ups and downs for everyone, but non-biological and biological moms need to make gender-fraught choices about who stays home with the baby, who takes the longer parental leave, who does which kinds of parenting tasks. Straight fathers of long-breastfeeding children will probably sympathize with the author of "Betsy Loves Bobbies"-- bobbies being their 2 year old's name for breastfeeding. All of this is complicated by the varieties of recognized status involved -- some have done non-parent adoptions, some were able to be in legally recognized partnerships, but most have not. The most heartrending story is "Family of the Heart," the story of a lesbian stepmom, whose partner had 2 boys from a previous straight marriage. Because they both came from traditional family backgrounds, and because of the fraught relationship with the boys' father, there's a lot of family and social rejection in the story-- but a good bit of triumph too.
I've already recommended this to one lesbian acquaintance who mentioned that she and her wife are considering having a baby (did you know that there are workshops for lesbian couples trying to decide whether to try for a baby? I had no idea). A great and valuable book
This covers a very wide range, from "Watching" where the 'other mother' originally intended to be the birthmother but Nature didn't cooperate; to the "Lesbian Dad" (a non-biological lesbian parent who chose the "Dad" role as her model); to women who have already been birthmothers and are now experiencing being the other parent in a partner's parenting journey, or the other way around; and the more typical but none-the-less important story of the lesbian "step-mom." All kinds of birthing situations are presenting, from the frustrating "And You Are?" where the refusal to recognize lesbian partnerships puts frustrating barriers between partners and child in the hospital, to the amazingly lesbian-friendly midwives plus birthing center, and even combinations: a failed pregnancy with opinionated medical staff for Robin of "From the Outposts," followed by a very positive pregnancy and birthing experience with midwives (though finishing with a c-section) for her partner.
These lesbian parents have thought long and hard about not just gender roles and parenting, but also how lesbian families interact with the larger community. There is the "High-Femme Dad" (whose questions about gender roles and sex lives in parenting sound very dad-to be), the couple who finds themselves explaining their choices to the grandmother's partner and hippy friends, or, in "Naked Brunch," a visit to an accepting great-aunt at the nursing home, where the status of having visitors with a toddler may or may not be altered by the lesbian parents... In "Mr. Anonymous," a non-birthmother struggles with the desire to involve the (accidentally outed) anonymous donor in her child's life now that the family has split. In "Parenting as a Subversive Activity" and "Life as Mama" the authors talk about negotiating work and public relationships-- having a child essential requires a degree of outing. Dawn Beckman and her partner even wrote two psychology books on Lesbian parenting.
Parenting has its ups and downs for everyone, but non-biological and biological moms need to make gender-fraught choices about who stays home with the baby, who takes the longer parental leave, who does which kinds of parenting tasks. Straight fathers of long-breastfeeding children will probably sympathize with the author of "Betsy Loves Bobbies"-- bobbies being their 2 year old's name for breastfeeding. All of this is complicated by the varieties of recognized status involved -- some have done non-parent adoptions, some were able to be in legally recognized partnerships, but most have not. The most heartrending story is "Family of the Heart," the story of a lesbian stepmom, whose partner had 2 boys from a previous straight marriage. Because they both came from traditional family backgrounds, and because of the fraught relationship with the boys' father, there's a lot of family and social rejection in the story-- but a good bit of triumph too.
I've already recommended this to one lesbian acquaintance who mentioned that she and her wife are considering having a baby (did you know that there are workshops for lesbian couples trying to decide whether to try for a baby? I had no idea). A great and valuable book
May 30, 2017
I really wanted to love this book. I was excited about the premise. What I found in it instead were the same things we used to discuss in our early LBGTQ parenting classes - an advantage I've had since I live in a large metropolitan area. What I wanted was a more in depth book from the other mother's perspective on lifelong parenting, not just the beginning years. The years when you're just in parenting, handling kids in school, working, and, gasp, even divorcing (does being the other mother impact relationships long term?), dating again, and remarrying. And empty nesting.
I've found the nuances of parenting changed over time and being the other mother changed too. And discovered how much more alike we are with our straight counterparts. I've come to believe that the commonalities we share through parenting has broken down more barriers in our goal of acceptance and equality. I wanted to feel a bond with the women writing their experiences, as outsiders from both within the family structure and at large in our straight culture. This is what I wanted this book to be about.
This would have been a great book to read 20 years ago when I first began this journey and putting striped shirts and jeans on my daughter seemed as radical as saying she had two mommies. The beginning years are hard as we navigate our doctors, parents, coworkers, and teachers - questions and minefields. To be fair, how we become parents as the other mother is a great part of our story, but it's just the start.
I've found the nuances of parenting changed over time and being the other mother changed too. And discovered how much more alike we are with our straight counterparts. I've come to believe that the commonalities we share through parenting has broken down more barriers in our goal of acceptance and equality. I wanted to feel a bond with the women writing their experiences, as outsiders from both within the family structure and at large in our straight culture. This is what I wanted this book to be about.
This would have been a great book to read 20 years ago when I first began this journey and putting striped shirts and jeans on my daughter seemed as radical as saying she had two mommies. The beginning years are hard as we navigate our doctors, parents, coworkers, and teachers - questions and minefields. To be fair, how we become parents as the other mother is a great part of our story, but it's just the start.
July 28, 2011
Overall I thought that this book provided an interesting and diverse look at being a non-biological lesbian mom. That said, some of the people in this book seem a little kooky, and I hope that I don't experience these problems because I am not nuts. It drives home to me that so many situations are so unique and there really is no guidebook for how to be an "other mother". As someone who is planning to be a non-biological bisexual mother, I found some of the rahrah lesbians talk a little limiting but I accept and appreciate the perspective this book has to offer.
June 4, 2012
I didn't enjoy every story in this book, but overall I really enjoyed the perspectives. My favorite quote from the book was something a non biological mom told her child "You didn't grow under my heart, you grew in it."
July 15, 2013
There were so many points of view in this book, it's almost guaranteed you'll find something close to your own. Even though I am planning to be the biological mother, I read this book to see if it would be useful for my wife. She still hasn't read it, but I have essays marked for her!
August 26, 2008
I cannot believe that 1. I actually read this, and 2. it was extremely helpful.
April 3, 2009
If you have a particular interest in the subject, it's worth a read. Otherwise, pretty repetitive and predictable.
June 14, 2011
I just read it to make my hormones act up. Parts made me want to cry... Wow. I don't think I could handle being the non-bio mom!
May 28, 2020
Though generally good, I was disappointed that most of the essays in this collection were difficult to relate to. Many of the experiences of lesbian parenting in this collection come from the early 90's when things were really rough for LGBT families. These are very important stories to be told and we can and should all learn from them, of course, I was disappointed that there weren't many experiences shared reflecting my type of family--two "soft butch" queer women who are married, a gay known-donor friend who fulfills an "uncle-type" role, and a transparent birth story shared with the child from the beginning. I was hoping to find some advice about existing in this particular family context, as the non-gestational parent and how to navigate anxiety around that. Some of the essays were still really valuable and the final essay in the book surprised me as being the most relevant to my life, even though the family situation is completely different. Glad to have read this collection, just wish there were a little more variety of "lesbian families" with stories reflecting families post-marriage-equality, for example.
July 18, 2022
Memorable quick read showing how different women navigate and uniquely carve out the uncharted territory of being a mother, but not the birth mother. I loved the joyful and lighthearted tone throughout and the variety of situations (ie women who never gave birth, women who gave birth to the second child but not the first, women who married someone who had kids before, etc). A bit dated, but timelessly honest and human. The inner jealousies, worries, yet above all love for family here was heartwarming. Slightly shocking to see how much has changed in under two decades. These stories are from the early 2000s when I was already alive but feel like more than a lifetime ago - it would be so interesting for someone to refresh this collection with millennial parents. Dropping a star since the writing isn’t as affecting as a Modern Love type of essay. These stories are less stylized and read more like blog posts or diary entries. Still enjoyable and real, but the less distinctive writing makes some stories blend together.
September 13, 2023
A very interesting read! The experiences retold in this book weren't as diverse as I would have expected, given that it's a book about queer families. But maybe that just shows that parenthood isn't all that different when you're queer?
My favorite story was the very last one. I don't often hear about what it's like to be a queer woman who becomes a bonus parent. I also appreciated hearing her parallels to growing up as an orphan and an adopted child herself.
All in all, I can really recommend this book for anyone interested in how queerness factors into family structures, or what it's like to be the non-birthing parent as a woman.
My favorite story was the very last one. I don't often hear about what it's like to be a queer woman who becomes a bonus parent. I also appreciated hearing her parallels to growing up as an orphan and an adopted child herself.
All in all, I can really recommend this book for anyone interested in how queerness factors into family structures, or what it's like to be the non-birthing parent as a woman.
December 5, 2024
I really struggled to finish this. Not because the contributors were bad at telling their stories, but mostly because I couldn't relate to ANY of them. This book is woefully Ameri-centric and seems old-fashioned in the depiction of queer life that existed almost 20 years ago. I wanted to find something - anything! - to connect with in these diverse stories of queer families and mothers but, unfortunately, I didn't. Everything felt too blatantly American.
Not for me.
Not for me.
January 4, 2020
I got this from the library to encourage my spouse (non gestational parent to both of our kids) to read it. She hasn’t yet, and I liked it more than I thought I would. It might be my 3rd trimester pg hormones, but I cried a LOT, like almost with every essay! 😂
February 1, 2023
4.5/5. This was a great collection of essays and while most felt quite dated, it also gave me a lot of perspective on how far same sex parenting has come. There were so many commonalities amongst the mothers and I appreciated the honesty and candour. This gave me a lot to think about!
February 15, 2023
As an adoptive parent and past foster parent and now a parent to my son, whom my ex-wife gave birth to; I found this book insulting. Not helpful, only provided me with anger. Everyone has a right to their perspective. This book does not share mine.
November 21, 2023
I think this is a good book for any lesbian/queer family’s to read, but I feel like a lot of the stories are more teaching me what not to do as a coparent rather then what is a good example of how to be good coparents.
June 25, 2025
Interesting! Very ‘this was published in 2006’ sometimes but I don’t think that discredits its value and I’ll definitely be seeking out other writings from some of the authors. The unexpected IOF chapter in the middle really threw me off though, yikes.
May 19, 2019
Publication date is 2006 and it really shows. Grateful that the law has come so far since then.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 58 reviews