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His Needs, Her Needs for Parents: Keeping Romance Alive
Children add a unique strain on a couple's time and relationship, yet they desperately need parents who love each other. That's why, according to Dr. Willard Harley, one of the most important things parents can do for their kid is keep their marriage healthy. His Needs, Her Needs for Parents, now available in trade paper, helps them do just that. Following the pattern of the bestselling His Needs, Her Needs, this book guides both new and seasoned parents through the whys and how's of sustaining romance in a marriage. It also offers specific, practical steps on spending quality time as a couple, deciding on childtraining methods, dividing domestic responsibilities, and even handling kids with A.D.H.D. and intrusive inlaws. His Needs, Her Needs for Parents helps couples maintain their love for each other and raise happy and successful children at the same time.
252 pages, Paperback
First published September 1, 2003
68 people are currently reading
880 people want to read
About the author
Willard F. Harley Jr.
23 books111 followersWillard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. is best known as author of the internationally best selling book, His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-proof Marriage. Over three million copies have been purchased, and it is available in twenty-two foreign translations.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
Dr. Harley earned a Ph.D. degree in psychology from the University of California at Santa Barbara in 1967 and has been a Licensed Psychologist in Minnesota since 1975. For the first ten years after earning his degree, he taught psychology at both the graduate and undergraduate levels. During those years, he was also a frustrated part-time marriage counselor with little success in helping couples.
In 1973 he discovered that he was not alone in his failure to save marriages -- almost everyone in the marital therapy profession were also failing. So he spent the next two years designing an entirely new approach (see How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages). When his success rate skyrocketed in 1977, he resigned from his teaching position to counsel full-time. Over the next ten years his solo practice developed into the largest network of mental health clinics in Minnesota (thirty-two locations) with over one hundred psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers and chemical dependency counselors working with him to provide a full range of mental health services. He became the exclusive provider of mental health and chemical dependency services in ten counties, and had offices in other counties as well.
One of his responsibilities was to write support materials for the clinical program he directed. He created over one hundred questionnaires and wrote numerous articles that were given to clients as part of their therapy. Among the materials he wrote was His Needs, Her Needs, which was first published in 1986. Although it was written to be a support text for his marriage counseling program, within three years it had become a national best-seller and a basic reference for marriage counselors throughout the nation.
By 1988 he found himself spending almost all of his time administering his clinics, and very little time doing what he enjoyed most -- improving his marital therapy program. So he began turning his clinics over to the counselors who worked with him, and the ownership of his last clinic was transferred in 1993. Since then, he has written 16 more books and hundreds of articles.
Dr. Harley and his wife, Joyce, are actively involved in the Marriage Builders® Online Program, which introduces couples to his highly successful plan for marital recovery. An online seminar offered by Dr. Harley kicks off a one-year home study program that includes personal accountability. He supervises the progress of those who enroll, and answers their questions on a special Marriage Builders Weekend section of the Forum.
Dr. and Mrs. Harley have been married for 47 years and live in White Bear Lake, Minnesota. They have two adult children, who are now working with them as marriage coaches, and four grandchildren.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews
November 13, 2017
I liked this book...I did. But it was a lot of repetition from the first book, "His Needs, Her Needs". But if you're just coming into this not having read the first book, then you won't feel as bogged down as I was.
This book includes the following topics: why romance matters in marriage, meeting emotional needs, the policy of joint agreements, undivided attention toward your spouse, expanding your family, child training, dividing domestic responsibilities, blended or mixed families, dealing with intrusive in-laws and keeping sex life alive.
I don't think that you would be sad if you read it. It's written in an easy to understand manner. It's straightforward with lots of real-life examples.
This book includes the following topics: why romance matters in marriage, meeting emotional needs, the policy of joint agreements, undivided attention toward your spouse, expanding your family, child training, dividing domestic responsibilities, blended or mixed families, dealing with intrusive in-laws and keeping sex life alive.
I don't think that you would be sad if you read it. It's written in an easy to understand manner. It's straightforward with lots of real-life examples.
February 2, 2013
This book was better than most of the relationship types of books I've seen in that it gives explicit ideas to try and ties it all together well. So many of these types of books ramble along with broad brush strokes that sound good but are hard to enact.
I thought the idea of a "Love Bank" was novel, and while obviously not truly accurate is a nice mental model to think about. Also The Policy of Undivided Attention, The Policy of Joint Agreement and Love Busters all seem like good concepts to think about in a relationship. I think a lot of this comes from his other books and are summarized here, though I'm not sure. The part about kids also seemed to make a lot of sense, especially that of punishment versus positive incentives which seems makes sense and actually seems to work for me.
Overall one of the better relationship books that I've read with several good ideas and a pretty easy read.
I thought the idea of a "Love Bank" was novel, and while obviously not truly accurate is a nice mental model to think about. Also The Policy of Undivided Attention, The Policy of Joint Agreement and Love Busters all seem like good concepts to think about in a relationship. I think a lot of this comes from his other books and are summarized here, though I'm not sure. The part about kids also seemed to make a lot of sense, especially that of punishment versus positive incentives which seems makes sense and actually seems to work for me.
Overall one of the better relationship books that I've read with several good ideas and a pretty easy read.
January 22, 2019
I hesitated to read this one because I wasn’t crazy about his first book “His Needs, Her Needs”. But this one is not like the first. The first few chapters were a review from the original book, but the rest of the book has some great practical advice for marriage even one without kids. He covers how to come to an enthusiastic agreement, how to divide household chores, how to budget your time, and how to be partners in training children. He has some good ideas.
February 5, 2017
His Needs, Her Needs for Parents
The author, Williard F. Harley, Jr. encourages page turning via short stories that illustrate the concepts brought to bear. Walking a fine line, he bridges the intellectual divide of educated and uneducated using easily grasped wordplay and exploring the potential for realities that inspire.
Clear and informative, the stories shared of those that have been in his counseling care allow the reader to examine their own lives without an accusatory or demanding tone.
While almost dogmatically introducing key concepts throughout the book, one thing does become clear; if you want a happy marriage, and family, you must have enthusiastic agreement.
In short, this book is a great conversation starter. I can’t say that I agree with every view or approach offered, but there is enough actionable material and concepts of worth proffered that I would recommend it.
Those seeking to start a family, or simply looking to better their home environment, will find wisdom within.
The author, Williard F. Harley, Jr. encourages page turning via short stories that illustrate the concepts brought to bear. Walking a fine line, he bridges the intellectual divide of educated and uneducated using easily grasped wordplay and exploring the potential for realities that inspire.
Clear and informative, the stories shared of those that have been in his counseling care allow the reader to examine their own lives without an accusatory or demanding tone.
While almost dogmatically introducing key concepts throughout the book, one thing does become clear; if you want a happy marriage, and family, you must have enthusiastic agreement.
In short, this book is a great conversation starter. I can’t say that I agree with every view or approach offered, but there is enough actionable material and concepts of worth proffered that I would recommend it.
Those seeking to start a family, or simply looking to better their home environment, will find wisdom within.
June 17, 2017
I feel like this is a solid book for helping couples gain the groundwork for surviving parenthood with their marriages intact. While it brings in many (all) principles from previous works, this book does it through the lens of parenthood, rather than rehashing old principles and saying,"Parents need to do these things to make good marriages." It also offers practical parenting advice, some of which I'm not entirely sure I agree with, but most of which I think is useful. It also covers topics that I haven't read about in other, similar books, such as having a child with ADHD, blended families, divorce, putting the marriage first above children, etc. And to be honest, I love that he calls people out on their crap about such topics. Some of it is "hard to hear" I'm sure for some, and they may bristle at it, but coming from a human development research background, it follows what the research says and is accurate information without sugar coating.
Because lets be real-- if you're going to be a parent, you should probably be an adult as well.
Because lets be real-- if you're going to be a parent, you should probably be an adult as well.
December 14, 2023
Relationships take intentional effort to maintain, especially a marriage, double-especially with children, and Harley gets that part right. However, his arguments for acting well toward your spouse seem to center around maximizing your own pleasure (actually listen to your wife's words/feelings so that she'll be more inclined to give you physical intimacy) rather than loving them for love's own sake.
June 3, 2024
There was one idea from this book that is helpful: staying in love requires 15 hours per week of intentionally meeting each other's intimate emotional needs. We will take that into careful consideration as we raise our kids. Everything else — the formulaic approach to the love bank, the heteronormativity, the gender stereotyping, the tolerance of abuse, and the advice on how to "punish" kids — was outdated and damaging.
February 24, 2026
Thought there was a ton of great takeaways! One of my patients recommended this bc her and her husband were going thru a rough patch and she was super passionate about it. I’ve never heard anybody rave about a self help book that much. Even if you have a great marriage I feel like this can only make it that much better
December 9, 2017
This was a great marriage book. I loved how the author focused on working together and how he gives specific things you can do to keep the love and romance alive. I also liked looking at strengthening my marriage through the lens of parenthood, because it is a lot harder once the kids come.
February 4, 2026
I liked the discussions of the Policy of Joint Agreement and Lovebusters, and the push to prioritize cultivating hobbies both partners enjoy, away from the kids. Some concepts seemed a bit outdated/too gendered, but generally it was a fast and helpful read.
March 19, 2018
It's really good book
July 9, 2019
Solid guidance. Very very similar to original book.
March 18, 2021
Great read. Lots of useful information that can be used. Very happy I picked up this book.
February 15, 2024
I like this book and the candid conversation about marriage and the concept of love deposits.
January 18, 2025
A great reminder as I start the year! 🥰
March 24, 2024
There some good suggestions for couples to be followed and there are some awful ones, especially the ones regarding parenting, child discipline and separation of parents when stepchildren are "problematic".
July 22, 2020
After stalling a bit on this book a few times, I powered through and read most of the second half on 4/28/18.
This book, in my opinion, was better than his original His Needs, Her Needs (very dated), although with both, I picked and chose what would work for my husband and I in our relationship.
In this book, Harley focuses on four of his ten emotional needs, and how they are impacted when children are added to the picture. These intimate emotional needs are intimate affection (not sexual), intimate conversation, recreational time together, and sexual fulfillment. The addition of children isn't discussed much until the latter half of his book.
The first half lays the foundation of understanding of these needs, their importance, and several solutions to problems that arise in meeting these needs. He emphasizes the importance of having a romantic relationship and staying in love. His solutions include the importance of agreeing on things, to the point of agreeing enthusiastically on everything (which I found tedious and somewhat unrealistic). He refers to this as the policy of joint agreement. He feels that a couple should not proceed without enthusiastic agreement. To reach this agreement, they must negotiate, and he explains a four step process to negotiate with each other.
He also explains his concept of a love bank (part of the focus of his first book, and a good analogy to understand), and he describes certain actions as love busters. He discusses how to counteract and overcome them.
Throughout the second half of the book, he applies his solutions to specific situations with children. It did become redundant after a bit and I felt that some editing would have shortened the book without much impact. You have a problem with such and such? Here's the solution! You have a problem with something else? Here's the SAME solution! Even still though it got old and felt like he was beating a dead horse, it was somewhat helpful to see these solutions applied specifically. One of the best things about this book was his illustration of his principles and problems with case studies, real life examples.
Another aspect discussed is thoughtfulness vs. thoughtlessness, in both a married relationship and in children or how they are reared.
I absolutely disagreed with most of his chapter of ADHD kids. Either his method or vision is completely outdated, or he is way off. I have several special needs children, 3 of them with ADHD, plus my husband, one of our sons with severe hyperactivity and impulsiveness. His solutions might work for families of children with minor ADHD, but I find his view of the disorder very dangerous and debilitating for some children and families. He did not address the impact of other special needs such as autism, emotional disorders such as anxiety and depression, oppositional defiance disorder, physical handicaps, and more. By focusing only on the impact of ADHD, he does families a huge disservice.
This book, in my opinion, was better than his original His Needs, Her Needs (very dated), although with both, I picked and chose what would work for my husband and I in our relationship.
In this book, Harley focuses on four of his ten emotional needs, and how they are impacted when children are added to the picture. These intimate emotional needs are intimate affection (not sexual), intimate conversation, recreational time together, and sexual fulfillment. The addition of children isn't discussed much until the latter half of his book.
The first half lays the foundation of understanding of these needs, their importance, and several solutions to problems that arise in meeting these needs. He emphasizes the importance of having a romantic relationship and staying in love. His solutions include the importance of agreeing on things, to the point of agreeing enthusiastically on everything (which I found tedious and somewhat unrealistic). He refers to this as the policy of joint agreement. He feels that a couple should not proceed without enthusiastic agreement. To reach this agreement, they must negotiate, and he explains a four step process to negotiate with each other.
He also explains his concept of a love bank (part of the focus of his first book, and a good analogy to understand), and he describes certain actions as love busters. He discusses how to counteract and overcome them.
Throughout the second half of the book, he applies his solutions to specific situations with children. It did become redundant after a bit and I felt that some editing would have shortened the book without much impact. You have a problem with such and such? Here's the solution! You have a problem with something else? Here's the SAME solution! Even still though it got old and felt like he was beating a dead horse, it was somewhat helpful to see these solutions applied specifically. One of the best things about this book was his illustration of his principles and problems with case studies, real life examples.
Another aspect discussed is thoughtfulness vs. thoughtlessness, in both a married relationship and in children or how they are reared.
I absolutely disagreed with most of his chapter of ADHD kids. Either his method or vision is completely outdated, or he is way off. I have several special needs children, 3 of them with ADHD, plus my husband, one of our sons with severe hyperactivity and impulsiveness. His solutions might work for families of children with minor ADHD, but I find his view of the disorder very dangerous and debilitating for some children and families. He did not address the impact of other special needs such as autism, emotional disorders such as anxiety and depression, oppositional defiance disorder, physical handicaps, and more. By focusing only on the impact of ADHD, he does families a huge disservice.
March 21, 2016
Although there were a lot of gender stereotypes there was also a lot of helpful information - I read this because it was part of a book club and likely never would have come across it. Here are some points I found particularly poignant...
- anger is nothing more than an abusive way to get what we want or to punish someone for not giving us what we want - our instincts tell us it's a reasonable response to injustice.
in the end we have nothing to gain from anger. punish doesn't solve marital problems, it makes them worse.
- democracy strategy: addresses conflict and resolves them without victims. the outcome of every decision is in the best interest of both spouses.
- the major work of parenting is to teach children to be thoughtful. otherwise they're raised to think "why clean my room if the mess doesn't bother them?" "why avoid fights or help with chores or do well in school"
- if your primary theme is the consideration of people's feelings, common parenting problems are easier to address.
when they think of others before they act, it helps them avoid most problems they could experience as adults.
- by age 11 the principle behind every rule should be clearly explained and understood, because that's when children have the ability to understand higher principles of mutual care and concern.
- parents who care most about their children will guard their romantic relationship. that's because so much of their care for their children depends on it.
- would you place an expensive antique vase in the middle of a hallway where people could easily walk into it and knock it over?
Unfortunately, many couples treat their love with less care than they do valuable objects.
- anger is nothing more than an abusive way to get what we want or to punish someone for not giving us what we want - our instincts tell us it's a reasonable response to injustice.
in the end we have nothing to gain from anger. punish doesn't solve marital problems, it makes them worse.
- democracy strategy: addresses conflict and resolves them without victims. the outcome of every decision is in the best interest of both spouses.
- the major work of parenting is to teach children to be thoughtful. otherwise they're raised to think "why clean my room if the mess doesn't bother them?" "why avoid fights or help with chores or do well in school"
- if your primary theme is the consideration of people's feelings, common parenting problems are easier to address.
when they think of others before they act, it helps them avoid most problems they could experience as adults.
- by age 11 the principle behind every rule should be clearly explained and understood, because that's when children have the ability to understand higher principles of mutual care and concern.
- parents who care most about their children will guard their romantic relationship. that's because so much of their care for their children depends on it.
- would you place an expensive antique vase in the middle of a hallway where people could easily walk into it and knock it over?
Unfortunately, many couples treat their love with less care than they do valuable objects.
April 2, 2009
I've read a couple of books on marriage, marriage after kids, and they all have one thing in common: The wife should do more. Whether it's more praying, getting up earlier, making sure her husband is happy... Ugh.
This book addresses what BOTH parties can do to help their marriage and has tons of advice that makes sense. From the Principle of Mutual Agreement to setting aside time to spend with each other, this author really has some concrete things that make a lot of sense.
I highly recommend this book to any married people, not just moms and dads, who want their marriage to be better.
This book addresses what BOTH parties can do to help their marriage and has tons of advice that makes sense. From the Principle of Mutual Agreement to setting aside time to spend with each other, this author really has some concrete things that make a lot of sense.
I highly recommend this book to any married people, not just moms and dads, who want their marriage to be better.
November 21, 2011
As with many marriage books nothing he says is really earth-shattering, but still good stuff to be reminded of - especially the fact that the best thing we can do for our children, as parents, is to love each other. Probably the most novel idea he has (in my opinion) is that couples can move beyond merely compromising but coming to 'enthusiastic agreement' on even difficult issues...not sure that's really possible, but worth trying his ideas out! Definitely worth the time to read it.
November 8, 2008
I read the author's first book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and loved it. This is not just a regurgitation of his previous book though. They are both challenging, and this one is more challenging. Especially if you read it with your spouse, be prepared to make some changes... because even if you think you're a darn good spouse already, you will find more tips than you can imagine on being better.
January 26, 2025
I enjoyed this book a lot, maybe even more than the original book. Marriage definitely changes when you start adding children to your family, but it is important to still make time for just you and your spouse. Great advice.
October 12, 2007
This has lots of good, practical advice...probably time to read this one again!
September 19, 2008
great book for parents and their is a workshop on tape along with this book.
October 7, 2008
Tony and I are reading this together. Excellent.
April 17, 2009
Gotta love the self-help books. This one is actually really good, and I wouldn't say it's just for parents. Any marriage. Really opened my eyes.
Read
April 15, 2010Good book, good ideas, good perspective changes gained.
February 5, 2014
Helpful although not completely realistic--we're not going to have 15 hours of undivided couple time attention in a week, and enthusiastic agreement concept is interesting but how to get there?
November 4, 2013
Some good pointers for the needs of the relationship after the kids arrive and distract you.
June 11, 2014
This book needs to be read by all couples. While there are some elements of the book that find disagreement with this reviewer, the needs expressed by most men and women are spot on.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 33 reviews