SAINTS AND SINNERS was written in big words on the chalkboard behind me. I should have gone in somewhere else. I like colors and gray areas, not white on black! It wasn't a good sign, as far as signs go.
I didn't want to relive my school days. I didn't want to relive guilt days (vicariously, to be honest), family days and culture days. Not like this. I snuck into the classroom to poke around for a catch up book about sentence structure and grammar (please not Francine Prose's book!). How was I to know that I was going to feel like I was back in the dreaded classroom facing down things I was supposed to already know about?
Saints and Sinners. Oh fuck. Way to get big about it. I didn't take anything, all right!
"There's been some kind of a mistake. I'm not supposed to be here," I gulp, preparing to back out the door empty handed. What kind of a classroom is this?
It's a self importance because it is Irish writing classroom! I'm not interested in one day a year parade things, or one place things, or one hair and eye color things. Throw in a recessive gene so at least there's a chance at a surprise in here. Get me out of here! I want to read the Scots too! This is bad. By the looks of things they've already picked their oh so IMPORTANT representative writer...
"Mariel Cathleen?" The teacher reads off the name tag that features both my first and middle name. This is a nightmare. I'd rather have been naked than wearing a name tag with my name on it. "You don't understand. I don't have Irish roots. I'm one of the people that denies her Irish roots (that I don't have!). It's too trendy. Cathleen just sounded good!"
"Mother of Seamus?" I check my name tag. There's no mention of my dog, which seems an oversight for some reason. The brogueish teacher has psychic powers, obviously. "That was a joke! My old dalmatian killed all my previous pets with Harry Potter names and..." (It's a good thing they don't know about my black and tan jokes when I had dachshunds. I made them for my doberman, as well. I'm a sinner. I make bad jokes and habitually reuse them.) This is no use. I can name five Irish musical acts. It looks like I'm stuck for two hundred and forty two pages of short stories that reminded me of why I used to avoid short story collections. They felt too much like someone trying to impress somebody else for the sake of either school or prizes (maybe both). Pretty and my mind won't force itself to tell somebody else what they want to hear. I don't know what they want to hear because I must have skipped school that day. "I took the sonogram! It's a baby. It has a heart, feet, hands and eyes. I can't see if it has red hair. I don't know if it is Irish or not. Do we need all of these stories to get the sonogram facts and then see whatever it is we want to see about the rest of it? Is it going to be a pretty baby, a pro footballer and happy? This is why I used to hate short stories! That one picture doesn't say all of that. Wouldn't it be enough to put the hope there?" I don't say this because I'm standing and although all eyes are not on me I am tongue tied. It is hard to put into words about what I only feel vaguely, because the stories were not enough for me to grasp.
The room is not empty yet all of the desks are labelled as if they are afraid that someone else will come in and claim their spots. Everyone except for me is dressed to the nines in emerald green and Jack Daniels perfume. Just in case anyone missed that this is an Irish affair. "It would have been better if they were people first, is all I'm saying," was all I said.
Edna O'Brien is sitting in the middle wearing too much makeup. I try to tell her that my friend Paul Bryant thinks she's easy on the eyes (the least I could do is put in a word).
I should have known. The teacher's pets are there.
"One great virtue of Edna O'Brien's writing is the sensation it gives of a world made new by language.... A lyric language which is all the more trustworthy because it issues from a sensibility that has known the costs as well as the rewards of being alive." His statue on his desk reads "Seamus Heaney" and "Citation, Lifetime Achievement Award". How come he gets a gold statue? That's not fair! And, what a kiss ass.
Edna might be blushing or she applied more blush. Seriously, the photo on the book jacket is in black and white and I can see the makeup. There's nothing wrong with that, or anything. I'm just annoyed by it whenever I flipped to the back to read the kiss asses. She's puckered up. (I'm being pissy. It's difficult to get into new writers when they come packaged in hype.)
Great, there's more. "Edna O'Brien has, for a half-century, been the advance scout for the Irish imagination. There is no living Irish writer who compares in terms of style, stamina, depth, or meaning. She has consistently been the necessary edge of who we are. She is a riverrun writer, bringing us back and propelling us forward- continuing, always, to create arias of belonging."
Colum, please speak for yourself. I glance around the room to make sure the filmmaker of Once isn't hiding in a corner somewhere to chime in (what an example of ass patting that film was! I predicted the scene of the comatose producer putting down his newspaper in amazement by how amazingly talented the filmmaker/singer/writer/actor was). This seems like his scene.... No? Deep breath...
Yeah, there are pretty sentences in these stories. But there was a weird feeling of what SHOULD be in almost every story (Inner Cowboy was good. I'll get back to that when I want to make my getaway). The shoulds smothered the life out of the mights. This is a collection about (yes, I see the words on the blackboard! Lay off, kiss ass Colum!) Irish walks of life, right? A pretty sentence won't grow anything without a green thumb (yeah, put the Irish green thumb up the ass of life, the guy from Once who just strutted into the room on the arm of Bono. I freaking knew it!).
These aren't bad stories. I don't want to force myself to look for some approved meaning in there that I don't think was necessarily there. In "Black Flower" one man kills and he is killed in turn for a reprisal. Why should there be more reprisals in the countryside? Why, if you are going to write about stuff that could happen, are the endings so much how it is? A girl is gang raped by invading soldiers in 'Plunder'. She will recognize the others like herself on the hard walk around the Earth. What will they do when they are together? Why are they defiled because of something that happened to them? Why should the men have been able to take away everything? Why was there an everything to take? "As children we were told that why we have a dent in our upper lip is because when we are born an angel comes and places a forefinger there for silence, for secrecy." Silence doesn't have to be born.
I had a feeling about Edna O'Brien that she wanted stuff to happen. Something to happen and prove meaning of something else. Men love equal to women because one man who was unfaithful twenty years of his marriage found out that his wife had cheated on him. He cries and they make love and promises to each other. They had already made promises to each other. What does that have to do with all men and women? If you asked me I would have said it was shock that what he took for granted wasn't entirely his. That's not love, in my eyes.
"Mixed in with my longing was a mounting rage. Our lives seemed so drab, so uneventful. I prayed for drastic things to occur- for the bullocks to rise up and mutiny, then gore one another, for my father to die in his sleep, for our school to catch fire, and for Mr. Coughlan to take a pistol and shoot his wife, before shooting himself."
From "Green Georgette" about a family that wasn't as well to-do (or high society. I guess that's more or less the same thing) as it wanted to be. Ah, those should have beens... The daughter who wishes these things takes after her mother. Her mother wants to be told she's right. The daughter wants to tell others she's right. Hence the status symbols. The pacing of their wants, their daily rhythms felt lying around to me.
I've read elsewhere that O'Brien's mama did not approve of her writing and it was a pride thing for the author. I don't know about that. If "My Two Mothers" is indeed autobiographical that colors the story with more "I won!" than I had already read it to have...
"It remains unfinished, which is why I wait for the dream that leads us beyond the ghastly white spittoon and the metal razor, to fields and meadows, up onto the mountain, that bluish realm, half earth, half sky, towards her dark man, to begin our journey all over again, to live our lives as they should have been lived, happy, trusting, and free of shame."
That's the end of the story. Another should be! The whole story that came before it was "I don't have to hear what you have to say." She's imagining what would have been said instead of a willingness to have heard it when it was offered. A wanted to hear imagining... Her mother writes her hundreds or thousands of not to be read for twenty years letters as if begging to be understood. The reply is this story, I guess. Ouch. The daughter had promised to never leave, to visit again. She does not and she doesn't just tell her mother that she is not going to see her mother again. It was telling that she blames her mother for her failed marriage to a man she had had an affair with (for respectability). The mother had predicted it would fail. If she had no problem asserting her own life authority, why was this her mother's fault? Why is the dream about her mother when she had not spoken herself? Did it hurt that the mother predicted failure, didn't approve of writing? Or is the triumph of being right the only thing that mattered? The mother's letters want for her daughter (things she doesn't especially want, such as a chandelier). My grandmother is a lot like this. It makes me feel suffocated. If I did what she wanted she would only push it more. I get the avoidance. She told kid me that she had to lie to strangers about me to have stories to be proud of. I can only tell it from my own side, not hers. I know I'll remember that when I think of her for the rest of my life. It doesn't mean I won anything to hold onto it. It doesn't mean she had the last word. That's not how these things work. Memories fade in and out. Sometimes because you bring them back up and other times it is like vomit. As far as having a say? What does that matter if it hurts.
I'm not even sure what this story wants except for a dream to end and someone to be right. Telling both sides, from the side of one. Can there be such a thing as right? It did feel unsettling that one who refused to listen gets to have the word. Whatever I took from this it wasn't dreams! (Colm probably loved it.)
'Old Wounds' is about family feuds. The kind that doesn't make sense to outsiders and probably not much sense to anyone who didn't accept it before a time they'd question it. The family liked her and she is invited to be buried beside them. It's flattering. Buried as taking sides? Why, I asked myself, did I want to be buried there? Why, given the difference and gnawing perplexities? It was not love and it was not hate but something for which there was no name, because to name it would be to deprive it of its truth.
I don't like the endings of these stories. They feel like classroom or award show ass kissing to say you said something you didn't actually say. I'll question it instead of being afraid to look stupid. What does being buried have to do with anything? You can't wait to erect a monument to your life? "They chose me." It could say that. "We avoided questions. We all knew the same answer and if you have to ask you don't belong here." Whatever death means I don't think it has anything to do with togetherness. That was life!
I liked 'Inner Cowboy'. There was a message in there about despoiling Ireland and greed, but it didn't have to stand for anything to know that the little boy Curly had his life ruined. He didn't know what the big picture was. It was his life. And it was over.
Who knows what all people of any place represent? I want to know what they hope for, as unfinished. If people are, saints or sinners or anything else they could possibly be, they should be a bit of life that is in between the author and the reader. If they are have a might... Classrooms and pulpits and decorations are not for me anymore. I'm not going to get it here. (It's no use. Bono is passing around bottles of pernod and bragging about his close ties with presidents.)