To say that was I was expecting this book to be horrifically bad would be an understatement. Novelisations of tv series are rarely successful, and this book was just oozing "quality trash" from its seams. However, I was still not prepared how truly, immensely, force-read-prisoners-in-Guantanamo-bay, bad this book is.
First of all, you might as well skip the first 100 pages because the murder doesn't happen until page 109. That's a 100 pages of pure filler. Scenes like "let's eat the stew. No, the stew has gone off! Did you eat the stew? You might be sick! Better throw out that stew!" are a frequent recurrence on those first pages that many have compared to the seventh ring of hell. The dialogues are so unbelievably ungripping with gems like: "Sorry Jessica, can you repeat your non-plot driven, non-useful-for-anything-really question, because I'm getting my hair wetted in this hair salon that has no purpose to the plot or character development or anything really but it filled a page so the author has at least something to send to his editor tomorrow morning."
It's like the filler has been written by someone's great grandma, who's highlight of her day is watching the bus go by every hour while she sits behind her geraniums.
Then the plot itself is really lacking. The murder itself could be predicted easily in those first 100 pages (to be fair, I didn't have much else to do whilst reading those pages, as nothing else was happening). And the only reason why I wasn't expecting that person to be the victim, wasn't so much to do with the author's skill but more to do with the fact that there was a cluster fuck of characters and I was having a hard time tracking who was who in the first place, let alone keep track of who hates who and who was connected to who. Basically, the author, with his tremendous talent to bore someone to death, had me distracted by so much filler that I forgot that one of those people had to die. A mistake easily made when a CRIME book doesn't have a CRIME until you're 1/3 in.
Then the ending. Mother Mary of everything that's wrong in this world. It's like the author knew that he couldn't pick the obvious suspects, because everyone would already think they had done the deed, and therefore kills any suspense. But it's like he had written down every single character on individual pieces of paper, put them in a sack, and picked out 1 at random. That's how contrived the ending is. (I'd like to think that he had written down Jessica Fletcher's name as well and that she was therefore in the running to become America's Next Top Murderer. Now THAT'S a book I would read!) The ending is just really really bad. The motivation is ridiculous, the suspect is completely unrelated and ridiculous, the "action scene" is just baffling and ridiculous, the confession is just, like, what?! Ridiculous!
Bad. Bad bad bad bad.
In conclusion, don't read this.
Don't read it if you are in to cosy crime.
Don't read this if you think you "want to have a laugh".
Don't read this if you picked it up for 10 pence in a charity shop.
Don't read this if your book group decided to do this book.
Definitely leave your book group and break all contact with them if they decide to read this book.
Possibly have the person who suggested this book committed to a mental hospital.
Don't read this if you like Murder She Wrote the TV show.
Or maybe do. If you like the tv show there is already clearly something wrong with your sanity.
I was forced to read this by my friends. It was painful. I might never speak to them again.
Seriously, don't read this. It's just really really boring. And bad.