The Farewell Chronicles: [How We Really Respond to Death]

by Anneli Rufus

The longer we live, the more of those around us will die. And while Hallmark sympathy cards and sad movies tell us we should grieve, death arouses a lot of other feelings in us as well—weird, unnerving, complicated feelings, which we’re terrified to talk about because we suspect that, if we did, we would be judged as crazy, cold, unfilial, unfaithful, or immature. So at these crucial times, facing the biggest and most momentous dramas of our lives, we lock away deep inside us our own true responses. In so doing, we cut ourselves off from the rest of the world and from whomever we’ve lost, from our hearts and minds and from the ultimate drama that is a death in the midst of life. Questioning our sanity, doubting our humanity, we hide, pretend—and even lie. This book helps us tell the truth—to ourselves, to the dead, and to each other. Revisiting the deaths of many people she has known—loved ones, casual acquaintances, children and adults, friends and enemies—prizewinning journalist Anneli Rufus gives powerful, eloquent voice to everyone who has ever lost anyone and whose reactions wouldn’t fit into the standard template of “feel sad, cry, then get over it.”

Genres: Nonfiction, Death, Psychology

320 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Anneli Rufus is an award-winning American journalist and author.

Born in Los Angeles, California, she first went to college in Santa Barbara, then to the University of California, Berkeley. Rufus earned an English degree and became a journalist. She's written for many publications, including Salon.com, the San Francisco Chronicle and the Boston Globe. Currently she is the literary editor for the East Bay Express, an alternative weekly newspaper. She is now married and resides in Berkeley, California. wikipedia

Reviews

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Response to a death is, so often, more than or other than sadness. Rufus, using her own experiences and those of others, talks about the unmentionable emotions such as relief, horror, apathy, and rejoicing. Similar to the author’s book, Party of One: The Loner’s Manifesto, which I also loved, Rufus writes as if the reader is a a friend, a confidant who deserves to be told nothing less than the whole truth.

[Patrick Mcknight · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quirky yet somehow refreshing look at death. I retold more snippets of this book than most others I read previously. Mary Roach's Stiff is still the most genuinely funny and informative book on death and dying. No, I'm not obsessed with death.

[Amanda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed most of this book. I had a little trouble with the beginning--not sure why, but seemed kind of whiny, or something. But some chapters were excellent. And all of the book certainly normalizes any kind of response you can have to the dying or grief issues.

[kwesi 章英狮]

I know that I'm not a good writer but I'm trying to write for the sake to share my ideas, so for those people who hate my reviews or the things that I wrote online, one thing that pop in my mind, Death is coming into your life, I'm not joking, I mean part of it.

I saw this book lying in a bookstore stand and no one even cared to read the synopsis of the book, I bought it because it was cheap and I like the title. Yes I'm trying to say the truth, at first I don't cared buying the whole book but after reading and saying those bad comments and etc., I felt like the author slapped me. What I mean to say is, I love the book and nothing more from saying those bad thoughts again.

What do the readers need to expect from the book. I don't like to make all of you disappointed after reading the whole book, so you should expect Death. Death in every pages, every words and even the introduction says Death many times and don't forget the sources, they're all books related to life loss. I felt like I was dying inside, yes, dying as in, her words burning me inside bit by bit without showing a pinch of mercy.

I really love the honesty of the author, the book consist of her experience through her life, experience that she kept within her for so long with her friends, family and even animals (I laugh so hard after reading that part, if I could still remember it was when the author asked her mom if the lizard can go to heaven.) Some parts are consist of secrets that should be kept forever, I don't know how she kept her closeness to those people after mentioning their wild lost secrets. Huh? Seriously, your brave enough to share them and I don't know if we will be friends again.

Not an easy book to read, too much high (uncommon) words and sometimes the author repeated some parts of stories or sometimes she cut the story and stick it to the other stories like segments. But if I consider her theory or the responds, I find it interesting and hypothetically right. I will not miss this one, reading the book is like hearing her speaking of her life and speaking of the time she seems missed for many years and now I'm trying to collect her other works for fun.

How we really respond to Death? How? If I could still remember, when my grandfather died I felt like nothing but after he buried, I cry and cry for no reason that until now I can't find the answers that I'm looking for. Maybe I'm numb and a good actor, or maybe his spirit whip me, or the memories that I enjoyed with him is a treasure that never last. Memories wont last forever and I'm sure of it.

In the book she mentioned 16 ways or responds that a person feel for those who die, you find it difficult to understand if your a close minded person, especially some parts are intriguing. Intriguing, because Filipino culture is far from there culture and we know that we really care of the dead. I love this because I can see myself from her, being a loner and I'm not supposed to be called emo or any terms that can derive from that stupid word.

I'll give some (3) responds mentioned in the book, which I find it funny and clueless, that I thought those things don't exist.

1. Disgust, Did you ever attended a funeral where you feel disgusted and sometimes people who had many suicidal attempts? I felt like disgusted hearing those suicidal attempts in newspapers or broadcasting programs, they don't understand what life is or they thought there are still chances after death or I can't understand them. Life is precious guys, don't be ridiculous and planning yourself to die.

2. Rejoicing, I don't like being numb or anything but sometimes if I heard some bad news, I'm rejoicing and my mom always knock my head and scolded me. I don't lie but this make me merciless but sometimes it really helps our self and the others to understand things, like what happened to Typhoon Ondoy, last year. I never mentioned it to someone but I'm rejoicing and I can feel it, I'm laughing and everything. Now, don't hit me with stones.

3. Apathy, this is common but I can't understand myself why someone is dieing and I was like looking and nothing. Like numbness or something or maybe you want them to die because you like to stop there suffering. But who knows everyone had their own answers.

So I find the book interesting it makes me wild and active, if you can see I'm becoming more interactive online. It really burns my heart.

[image error]
These black roses reminds me of death, opposing the red roses. I love it but I find it weird to see myself in the mirror holding it. Black is my favorite color.

The Farewell Chronicles: How We Really Respond to Death by Anneli Rufus (5/5 bookmarks)

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

"It is a vast, worldwide society whose members share no privileges, no solidarity, no secret handshakes, no discounts at Legoland."

Rufus explores what it means to be a member of this society of survivors, those left behind after someone has died. In the introduction, she writes about the responses we were not told we might expect, and some of the chapter titles, (each representing an emotion) reflect that: Greed, Relief, Apathy. She discusses her own experiences with death - losing her father, with whom she had an ambivalent relationship at times; her landlord, whose slow decline she tried to ignore. A friend of a friend who teased her unmercifully in high school; dead of AIDS a decade later. She interviews a Quaker mortician, who moonlights as a comedian ventriloquist with a macabre dummy. Conversations with friends and family also provide material and insight. She has a short list of sources as well, which I found interesting for what is basically a personal essay-style book. While there are touching moments, there are humorous moments as well; Rufus purposefully avoids moroseness, preferring more of an analytical tone.

The basic theme of this book is that there is no standard reaction to death. Grieving for Dummies has yet to be written; Kubler-Ross's 5 Stages of Grief is only a starting point. We can never really understand what someone else is feeling during the grieving process, and attempts at comforting the survivors can be mixed at best. My volunteer work with hospice continues to remind me that our society needs to be more open about discussing death and dying, and books like this are a good start. Recommended to anyone interested in the topic of grief, death & dying.

Notes and Quotes


"In word and deed, we keep our sorrow soft."

"They never said that death does funny things to love, and that love does funny things to death."

* Spiritualism - well suited to a time when science & exploration were burgeoning & romantic sentmentality was the prevaility literary theme. Considering advances in telegraphy & telephony - was it so unusual to think that one could communicate with the dead? "Was the Other Side that much more remote than Santa Fe?"

* Grieving for another's death - but also for what their life might have been.

* Slow death vs quick death - each have their pros and cons. Which is easier depends on the person. ".. but in this we have no choice, absolutely none."

"Half-deaths are the cruelest things."

* Death of a loved one without actually seeing the body/corpse - can make it more difficult to realize that the person has really died. (I felt this with both grandmas - no funeral with viewing, just a memorial service.)

"It is as if bad memories are made of some entirely different substance than all other kinds, transmitted to the brain by different means."

"Ceremonializing death means facing up to it, and thus facing our own mortality... grief hones the survival instinct."

* Queen Victoria's 40 years in mourning = profound effect in society. "made an international fashion of public grief." Hair art, lachrymatory (bottles for catching & storing tears), cemeteries as parks, tuberculosis as a fashionable, Romantic death. "Victoria's grief set the tone for an entire era and and entire empire."

* On lighting candles & saying Kaddish - "It was not about religion so much as about doing what was done before."

[Lolly K Dandeneau · Rating 3 out of 5]

What I found enjoyable about this book is the honesty and the approach to the 'inaproriate' feelings people often have in the midst of a death, when the world has expectations of how one should mourn. I have to admit I cringed when she wrote about the death of a college classmate whom others were cruel too. Shocking and yet, very very human. It is a change to read this subject without the sap that so many such books accompany. Sure many deaths outright break you, but it's a fact some don't even phase or worse, you feel things in the face of it that you have to wonder "Is this normal?" Really different approach to mourning.

[Melody · Rating 4 out of 5]

Searing, and exactly what I needed to read now. Rufus chronicles her own journey through loss, bravely facing up to the things one doesn't speak of in polite society after one is bereaved. She talks about feelings of indifference, anger, guilt, and many others. Illustrated with lots of incidents from her own life, presented unflinchingly. Recommended.

[Suzie Quint · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you've ever been bothered by an "inappropriate" response to a death--anger, apathy, joy--then this is a book you should read. The author has had a lot of death happen around her and many varied responses. In The Farewell Chronicles, she explores the whys and concludes that the "sadness" that is deemed appropriate is not the only viable emotion. She has a healthy view that she shares here.

[Andrea · Rating 4 out of 5]

By far one of the best books I've read about death and grief. Really like her writing style.

[Lara · Rating 3 out of 5]

Difficult and neccesary.