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The Good Son: Shaping the Moral Development of Our Boys and Young Men
Selected by Publishers Weekly as one of the Best Books of 1999, The Good Son is the definitive guide to the moral and emotional development of our boys and young men. Within its pages, Michael Gurian widely credited as the founder of today's "boys movement" takes readers through a complete parenting program, showing how to instill virtues in boys at each stage of life.
For parents and teachers who fear that our child-rearing systems have lost much of their ethical underpinnings and that our boys are becoming emotionally closed-off, The Good Son serves as a welcome guidepost. It is one of today's premier books on parenting and male development.
For parents and teachers who fear that our child-rearing systems have lost much of their ethical underpinnings and that our boys are becoming emotionally closed-off, The Good Son serves as a welcome guidepost. It is one of today's premier books on parenting and male development.
416 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1999
About the author
Michael Gurian
58 books76 followersMichael Gurian is an American author and social philosopher. He works as a marriage and family counselor and corporate consultant. He has published twenty-eight books, several of which were New York Times bestseller list bestsellers. He is considered, along with Leonard Sax, as one of the major proponents of the post-modern "single-sex academic classes" movement.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
Gurian taught at Gonzaga University, Eastern Washington University, and Ankara University. His work tends to focus on sex differences and how they contribute to learning.
He is also a co-founder of the Gurian Institute, which trains professionals who deal with the developmental aspects of childhood. The Gurian Institute has trained more than 60,000 teachers from over 2,000 different schools. Some of these schools become "GI Model Schools" and aim to leverage the role gender plays in learning styles.
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Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews
April 26, 2014
This book got me thinking about my relationship with my son and raising him to be a moral, kind, responsible young man. Not everything is for me, but I certainly picked up some nuggets of wisdom.
Loved the comment, "If boys don't cry tears, they'll cry bullets" - not true certainly for every boy but I have reminded my husband several times to let my sensitive son cry if he needs to at his age that it won't make him a "sissy."
Liked the section on dealing with backtalk and how to handle it appropriately. We are trying to confront attitude and teach my nine year old to be respectful. Thinking about teaching my son thoughtfulness was also nice to read and a good idea.
Will hang onto this book and refer back to it at different stages as my son grows. Will look into more books too, but this is a decent resource.
Loved the comment, "If boys don't cry tears, they'll cry bullets" - not true certainly for every boy but I have reminded my husband several times to let my sensitive son cry if he needs to at his age that it won't make him a "sissy."
Liked the section on dealing with backtalk and how to handle it appropriately. We are trying to confront attitude and teach my nine year old to be respectful. Thinking about teaching my son thoughtfulness was also nice to read and a good idea.
Will hang onto this book and refer back to it at different stages as my son grows. Will look into more books too, but this is a decent resource.
May 6, 2026
Michael Gurian’s The Good Son is one of the most important books written about boys in the modern era. Published in 1998, it arrived well before the current widespread concern about boys falling behind in education, struggling with identity, disengaging from institutions, and suffering deteriorating mental health. Gurian saw many of these problems coming decades earlier...
What makes The Good Son so powerful is that it combines science, psychology, culture, family dynamics, education, and practical wisdom into a deeply humane framework for understanding boys. Gurian argues that boys are not “defective girls” who simply need to be corrected or subdued. Boys have their own developmental pathways, emotional needs, vulnerabilities, strengths, and forms of attachment. The task of society isn't to pathologise masculinity, but to guide boys toward healthy, mature, responsible manhood.
The book is compassionate without becoming sentimental, and evidence-based without becoming cold or clinical. Gurian explores the emotional lives of boys, fatherhood, mentoring, rites of passage, education, aggression, purpose, and the importance of meaning and responsibility in male development. Many of the themes now dominating public discussion were articulated clearly by Gurian almost thirty years ago... He is undoubtedly one of the greats amongst his contemporaries.
The Good Son also sits within the broader body of Gurian’s influential work, alongside books such as The Wonder of Boys, Boys and Girls Learn Differently, and Saving Our Sons. Across these works, Gurian consistently argued that understanding sex differences matters, and that ignoring the needs of boys harms everyone, including girls, women, families, schools, and communities.
His broader contribution through the Gurian Institute has also been substantial. The institute has worked with schools, educators, parents, counsellors, and organisations around the world to apply practical insights about child development, learning differences, family systems, and healthy masculinity.
You don't need to agree with every argument Gurian makes in order to recognise the enormous value of his contribution. He helped create intellectual and cultural space for people to speak honestly and compassionately about boys at a time when many institutions simply were not listening.
In many ways, The Good Son feels even more relevant today than when it was first published. Plus it's a perfect book to read in anticipation of International Boys Day on May 16.
What makes The Good Son so powerful is that it combines science, psychology, culture, family dynamics, education, and practical wisdom into a deeply humane framework for understanding boys. Gurian argues that boys are not “defective girls” who simply need to be corrected or subdued. Boys have their own developmental pathways, emotional needs, vulnerabilities, strengths, and forms of attachment. The task of society isn't to pathologise masculinity, but to guide boys toward healthy, mature, responsible manhood.
The book is compassionate without becoming sentimental, and evidence-based without becoming cold or clinical. Gurian explores the emotional lives of boys, fatherhood, mentoring, rites of passage, education, aggression, purpose, and the importance of meaning and responsibility in male development. Many of the themes now dominating public discussion were articulated clearly by Gurian almost thirty years ago... He is undoubtedly one of the greats amongst his contemporaries.
The Good Son also sits within the broader body of Gurian’s influential work, alongside books such as The Wonder of Boys, Boys and Girls Learn Differently, and Saving Our Sons. Across these works, Gurian consistently argued that understanding sex differences matters, and that ignoring the needs of boys harms everyone, including girls, women, families, schools, and communities.
His broader contribution through the Gurian Institute has also been substantial. The institute has worked with schools, educators, parents, counsellors, and organisations around the world to apply practical insights about child development, learning differences, family systems, and healthy masculinity.
You don't need to agree with every argument Gurian makes in order to recognise the enormous value of his contribution. He helped create intellectual and cultural space for people to speak honestly and compassionately about boys at a time when many institutions simply were not listening.
In many ways, The Good Son feels even more relevant today than when it was first published. Plus it's a perfect book to read in anticipation of International Boys Day on May 16.
May 23, 2010
As my dear elder son struggles with his first weeks in the wide wide world of Kindergarten (we've had so many calls from the school!)...
And while his younger brother adjusts to not having his brother to play with...
And after years of getting fed up with discipline books, I found Gurian's The Good Son surprisingly engaging.
I'm happy to read a bit of the biological basis for how boys are different in morality, and why they require different moral training methods than girls. I thought Gurian would discuss Kohlberg's stages of moral development, but he admits in end notes to being more Adler, Erikson, and Montessori.
Yet it's a quick read, riveting and inspiring.
Granted, I think like a technical writer with a yen for predictable structure. For example, I love the American Academy of Pediatrics' Caring for your Baby and Young Child (Birth to Age 5) for its stage-by-stage advice for every aspect of the child's life. Gurian's Good Son has a similar structure. Gurian divides a boy's life into three Ages: Age of Obedience birth to age 6, Age of Convention (7 - 12), and Age of Moral Intuition (13-18 and beyond). Each Age is divided further into three stages. In each of these stages, Gurian offers developmental milestones, discipline techniques, moral teaching, and tips for a healthy moral and emotional environment.
I won't go into detail on the discipline techniques. What sold me was the space Gurian gives to examples from his experience as a therapist and educator in many cultures around the world. In one young teenager's therapy, they talked about not only the biblical ten commandments, but the golden rule and Buddhist sutras. In another example, he related a Hindu fairy tale: In a kingdom greedy for perfection, an invisible giant eats the children, until the king takes the advice of a Brahman and a cathartic dream, listens to the childrens' whispers, and focuses on making life good for everyone. (Gurian likens the invisible giant to our morally desensitizing culture.)
Elsewhere he quotes the Beatles Nowhere Man. Ya gotta love that.
Gurian talks about giving boys their missions, channeling aggression and fantasy, and modeling a spiritual life. For some stages Gurian encourages mandating Church activities, which I felt was a cop-out on his part, mostly because it didn't seem supported by good enough reasons. But for those who are not churchgoers, Gurian discusses "home-churching" and recommended moral reading/discussion, and various rites of passage ("boys love badges"). The solution for the unchurched may be better found in Dale McGowan's Parenting Beyond Belief and the upcoming sequel, Raising Freethinkers.
Here's one of my favorite Gurian quotes: "The child who needs discipline is the disciple of the authority providing it."
I haven't spent enough time with the techniques to ratify whether they're successful, but in one weekend, I'm finding a remarkable improvement in my time with my sons. In my book, The Good Son is well worth the read.
And while his younger brother adjusts to not having his brother to play with...
And after years of getting fed up with discipline books, I found Gurian's The Good Son surprisingly engaging.
I'm happy to read a bit of the biological basis for how boys are different in morality, and why they require different moral training methods than girls. I thought Gurian would discuss Kohlberg's stages of moral development, but he admits in end notes to being more Adler, Erikson, and Montessori.
Yet it's a quick read, riveting and inspiring.
Granted, I think like a technical writer with a yen for predictable structure. For example, I love the American Academy of Pediatrics' Caring for your Baby and Young Child (Birth to Age 5) for its stage-by-stage advice for every aspect of the child's life. Gurian's Good Son has a similar structure. Gurian divides a boy's life into three Ages: Age of Obedience birth to age 6, Age of Convention (7 - 12), and Age of Moral Intuition (13-18 and beyond). Each Age is divided further into three stages. In each of these stages, Gurian offers developmental milestones, discipline techniques, moral teaching, and tips for a healthy moral and emotional environment.
I won't go into detail on the discipline techniques. What sold me was the space Gurian gives to examples from his experience as a therapist and educator in many cultures around the world. In one young teenager's therapy, they talked about not only the biblical ten commandments, but the golden rule and Buddhist sutras. In another example, he related a Hindu fairy tale: In a kingdom greedy for perfection, an invisible giant eats the children, until the king takes the advice of a Brahman and a cathartic dream, listens to the childrens' whispers, and focuses on making life good for everyone. (Gurian likens the invisible giant to our morally desensitizing culture.)
Elsewhere he quotes the Beatles Nowhere Man. Ya gotta love that.
Gurian talks about giving boys their missions, channeling aggression and fantasy, and modeling a spiritual life. For some stages Gurian encourages mandating Church activities, which I felt was a cop-out on his part, mostly because it didn't seem supported by good enough reasons. But for those who are not churchgoers, Gurian discusses "home-churching" and recommended moral reading/discussion, and various rites of passage ("boys love badges"). The solution for the unchurched may be better found in Dale McGowan's Parenting Beyond Belief and the upcoming sequel, Raising Freethinkers.
Here's one of my favorite Gurian quotes: "The child who needs discipline is the disciple of the authority providing it."
I haven't spent enough time with the techniques to ratify whether they're successful, but in one weekend, I'm finding a remarkable improvement in my time with my sons. In my book, The Good Son is well worth the read.
May 3, 2011
Another parent turned me onto this book. We both have sons. I have sorted through tons of books on parenting and this book offers a great balance of guidelines from the different developmental phases of a boys life (infancy to age 18), to the importance of building your child's moral character without, and I emphasize without preaching, do's and don'ts per se. I appreciate the way Gurian shares his perspective and validations for his point-of-view about guidelines and recommendations for parenting with fairness and respect to the fact that every family, child, and parenting style, is different from the next, and he encourages you to extract, and from his guidance what you wish, without coming across like he has all of the answer. I enjoyed the fact he does not insist on instilling a religious practice with your children, but he does offer the importance of how religion or the choice of being involved in your local church, for instance, can create a sense of community for a child and be an avenue of learning to give back, and help others. But he does not stress one religion over another, as with many parenting books. Choice is important for all of us after all, including our children.
May 5, 2008
Didn't get as much insight into the inner workings of a boy's mind as I was hoping for. Some information would apply equally to boys and girls. Did like the format of the book, divided into two parts: boy issues, and age issues--made it easy to access the info I was looking for. Good reference book, and I will go back to it in 6-12 months when my boys age to see what issues I can look forward to. Interested to find other parenting books by this author.
He's off about girls naturally having self-esteem and boys having to find it within themselves. He says girls know that they will grow up and have babies and find their self-worth from this important work. While this is the most important work a woman can do, the self-esteem doesn't automatically arise from this work. When I am asking one of my children for the tenth time to get chores done, I am not feeling the self-worth so keenly. Self-worth issues are for everyone.
He's off about girls naturally having self-esteem and boys having to find it within themselves. He says girls know that they will grow up and have babies and find their self-worth from this important work. While this is the most important work a woman can do, the self-esteem doesn't automatically arise from this work. When I am asking one of my children for the tenth time to get chores done, I am not feeling the self-worth so keenly. Self-worth issues are for everyone.
August 13, 2009
I ABSOLUTELY recommend this book to anyone who is raising even just one son (not just for parents of almost five sons) or even just works with boys at any age (Mom, this would be great for you and your social skills group, although with your degree it may be old news!). It provides information on boy biology and psychology, as well as ways to encourage the development of certain traits, and plans for dealing with various "boy specific" challenges. The book is sectioned by age, so I actually only read up to the nine and ten year old section. I plan to pick it up again as Zach gets closer to eleven to learn about what is next and ways I can parent him best at those times. Really, if you have a son, read it. This is a GREAT guide! If you live close, I have a copy and would be willing to share as long as you return it! I also have another book by Gurian, The Wonder of Boys, that is also fabulous insight into the foreign world that is "BOY."
November 27, 2010
I needed to educate myself about how to direct, discipline and dream with my boys at the appropriate age. It won't be the last time I read this book. Now it will be chapter by chapter and re-reading to keep straight. Gurian seems to offer a balanced and disciplined approach to love boys into adulthood. Some scary stories as parents divorce and the resulting chaos created by it. I bought the book two years ago after a review. I'm glad to have read it and have already applied some ideas.
I started reading Grimm's fairy tales to the boys. They love it. Now i'm encouraged to read other books to the boys. I'm looking forward to it. I'm sad Amanda is not here to participate in the stories.
April 7, 2009
Good information-- I didn't agree with everything he said, but sometimes that is helpful for me to be able to take a step back and really look at his ideas. A lot of good and practical stuff worth revisiting. As always with books broken into ages, I really enjoyed the parts about the boys current stages, it would be good to reread as the boys enter new stages--but I also suspect I might forget... and that will be okay... I can't remember everything... and if I need that information God will remind me of this book.... and I think I have sufficiently calmed myself down....
July 18, 2010
This is a great book to help you refine and reflect on your parenting practices. I found that a lot of the information was a little common sense, but that is because I come from a religous background and this book focuses on moral development. The book repeatedly states that religion is one of the 'best' ways to instill morality into young boys. I did appreciate the statistics and research that was sited and found that part of the book very interesting. I'll probably read this again when my boy gets a little older.
August 13, 2010
While I didn't agree with all of the advice in the book, I found it interesting and informative particularly in giving me an understanding of how boys "work" biologically and developmentally. It gave me perspective on some of my son's actions and behaviors and ideas on how to channel and direct all that energy!
October 8, 2012
If you are the mother of a boy this is a must read. I was reading and kept saying to myself how does he know my son so well? Has he been to my house? Wow talk about insight. I got the book when my son was about 3 and I have been back two it at least 3 times since then to read about what he says about my son at various ages.
April 26, 2008
Helpful in raising a son. It teaches you ways to best communicate and nurture your son in the early years so that he has a solid foundation and example to follow in the later years of his life. It has scientific explanations of how best to give them the adventures boys need in their lives.
July 12, 2008
so far really like this book...for those who have sons or teach/interact with boys, a great read for understanding the development of boy and helping to channel their energy in the positive direction and help them to become great men.
February 19, 2011
Pretty solid advice about parenting, specifically geared towards raising boys with good ethics, although largely applicable to all children. The author did a wonderful job of finding and incorporating touching and inspirational narratives and folk stories that I really enjoyed.
Read
May 21, 2007I'm still reading it. Pretty good, though. Starting to understand my 5 year old son much better.
January 15, 2008
good for moms of boys like mine
July 26, 2008
Good information on how boys and girls think and behave and even learn differently.
Good stories and parenting advice. (more than a book of common sense.)
Good stories and parenting advice. (more than a book of common sense.)
August 3, 2008
I read Gurian's book only a few years ago after my two boys were already older teens/young adults. I wish I had known about these books sooner.
August 24, 2008
Some great information to help a mom understand her boys. I skimmed the second half of the book since I have no boys in those years, but I am confident I will come back to it as my boys grow older.
September 22, 2008
Recommended by a family member- it is very insightful. I told my son I am reading it to know what is going on inside his brain- he looked at me wide eyed!
December 3, 2008
Gurian is good in general.
Read
February 22, 2010boy's development
Currently Reading
November 1, 2010This is a great book for the infinite questions of raising a son. I appreciate the age grouping, easy look-up, referencing in this book.
May 16, 2012
Recommended by my momma. Good call mom :-) endlessly helpful on sorting out how to handle parenting these wonderful boys. Especially when I'm stumped on my own
July 1, 2012
Went to seminar...got autographed book
January 29, 2013
Excellent stages book - I used it throughout my son's childhood and always found it to be spot on.
March 30, 2014
the section on teen boys was very helpful since I have a teen boy
June 24, 2012
Great book for parenting boys to men
Displaying 1 - 28 of 28 reviews