Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners

by Deborah Anapol

Unlike other books on this topic, Polyamory in the 21st Century weaves together research and facts to provide an informed and impartial analysis of polyamory as a lifestyle and as a movement, and to place it in a psychosocial as well as an historical context. Anecdotes and personal experiences allow the reader to develop a better understanding of polyamory and the people who practice and enjoy it. Anapol addresses the practical, the utopian, and the shadow sides of this intriguing, mysterious, yet often threatening lifestyle. It honestly addresses difficult issues such as the nature of commitment without exclusivity, balancing personal needs with loyalty to a partner, evaluating beliefs about love and relationship, the impact of polyamory on children, and the challenges that arise when one partner wants monogamy and another prefers polyamory. Without judgment, she explores this increasingly common practice, and reveals the true nature of a lifestyle that many do not understand.

Genres: Polyamory, Nonfiction, Relationships, Sexuality, Psychology, Sociology, Feminism

260 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2010

Reviews

[Bastian Greshake Tzovaras · Rating 1 out of 5]

Reading this book immediately made me regret using the term polyamory in any self-description and made me want to exclusively use relationship anarchy instead… There's so much to criticize that it's hard to know where to start. The executive summary would be: promotion of shaky evolutionary psychology 'evidence', cherry picking in the interpretation of survey data, too big a focus on spiritual/religious stuff and last but not least a holier-than-thou mentality.



For the religious/spiritual stuff, the book is full of it and (mind you:positively!) highlights schools of thoughts that are described as follows: ‘she is not beholden to any traditional lineage, and her [spiritual] teachings are completely content and culture free’. Yeah, that's a good thing… And motivating polyamory from a religious perspective (all religions have had it in the past!!111) doesn't make more sense either.

For the misinterpreting of data and cherry picking: I'm no expert in the social sciences by any means but I know biases in data collection procedures when I see them. Anapol quotes surveys done amongst participants exclusively recruited through organized poly communities and thinks that those surveys show that polyamorous people in general are better educated, have a higher household income and all the other good stuff. But for the lack of non-privileged people amongst the polyamorous? Oh, that's because they just didn't participate and isn't systemic. Well, you can't have it both. Either your sample is unbiased or not, especially for these categories it's mutually exclusive. What does Anapol think would happen with the level of education, income etc. once you start to include non-privileged people?



Time and time again Anapol tries to convince you that she doesn't see polyamory as the better relationship model, yada yada yada. But the following quote is just too good to not show it here: ‘I certainly wouldn't characterize all polyamorous people as geniuses or monogamous people as being unintelligent, but numerous observers have commented that polyamorous people tend to be far above the norms on many dimensions of intelligence, including but not limited to emotional intelligence’. I'll repeat myself: the plural of anecdotes is not data! But the best thing is the emotional intelligence bit: Just a few chapters before she brings another, equally well (i.e. not at all) supported claim that her anecdotal 'evidence' shows that people with Asperger’s are overrepresented amongst the polyamorous…

Besides all this the book has quite a focus on the history of polyamory, which isn't too much what I expected–given the title–but is okay and worthwhile in principle. As Dan Savage points out there is a lack of vertical transmitted domain knowledge (e.g. the history of the struggle for equality) for homosexuals (or any non-mainstream sexual orientations for that matter, though I'm not saying polyamory is directly comparable to those) due to the fact that most homosexuals are not born into homosexual families, so the knowledge won't 'automatically' be transmitted from parents to children, but has to be transferred horizontally. In that respect including a brief history doesn't seem a bad choice. What's also nice is the chapter on polyamory worldwide that includes stories from countries other than the United States, amongst others China, India and parts of Europe are included.

But besides that I find one topic pretty lacking, especially for a book that carries the '21st century' around: The internet, especially the kind many of us carry around with our smartphones. Yes, I know, technical solutions to social problems don't work. Except when they do. The internet not only made it possible to connect with others with shared interests (which is especially important when considering small niches like polyamory and Anapol seems to use it herself quite heavily) but also allows to overcome the problem of scaling, which I think is inherent to polyamory. The more people you add to the mix and want to keep in the loop the higher the transaction costs tend to become. Shared calendars, broadcast media and the ability to instantly have a brief video chat over 9 timezones are a great way to bring down those costs.

A last warning: you don't want to read the chapter 10 'Polyamory in Myth, Archetypes, and Human Evolution', as it will make your brain melt with it's mix of getting science wrong and putting it together with ancient myths. Unfortunately you can't just skip it, because the Kindle version of this book is produced so badly. There are no chapter marks and the introduction and the references are included as images which look like they were just scanned from the print book (it will make your eyes bleed when reading on a high resolution display).

Recommended for: absolutely no one. You might find the stories of the people living polyamorous interesting, but if that's your interest you can also read some blogs or reddit. It's free and you (hopefully) have to skip less nonsense.

[Marissa · Rating 2 out of 5]

I gave up on this book, yes, but I jumped around and read the sections I cared most about, so I feel perfectly qualified to write this review.

Where to begin with this book?? This author earned her Ph.D in clinical psychology, allegedly??? Despite this, she either makes the following claims or passes on the following claims without voicing dissent:

* It is a worthwhile goal for humanity to stop feeling bonded to individuals and start feeling that same level of bonding with all of humanity (this is psychologically impossible for normal humans).
* It is perfectly fine and normal for 5- and 6-year-olds living in free-love communes/cults to be sexually experimenting with each other (NOPE).
* It is desirable for children to be raised communally with no especial attachment to a particular adult figure (absolutely in contravention of everything we know about child development).
* Historical examples of polygamy or free love, such as early Mormonism or the Oneida commune, had nothing to critique. (Mormon polygyny has documented terrible effects on young men who are left without same-age partners; and usually involves very young women or even girls being "assigned" to powerful men. Meanwhile, Oneida, in the name of "free love," banned pair bonding and parent/child bonding.)
* Jewish scriptures have a form of "half-marriage" that can occur between any two people. (No, like many patriarchal cultures, there are concubines (pilegesh), period. This is such unbelievably willful misreading of the texts it's almost laughable.)
* Some weird, almost Freudian crap: "A woman who tends to be competitive with other women often had a mother who didn't support her feminine expression." (Huh?? The entire culture is designed to make women want to compete for men's attention, but it's our moms' faults??)
* People can communicate complex thoughts without language; it is possible for one's spirit to leave one's body and have experiences on its own; there are probably four genders because, think about it, there are four cardinal directions and four seasons! (This is just a tiny sampling of the general cuckooery.)

She also coins and uses the term "sexualove" because I guess "eros" or "erotic love" were not novel enough for her.

It's not that there's zero information of value in this book. There's some modern polyamory history that I assume is largely correct because the author was a player in that scene at the time. There's also some advice you could get in any of the zillions of poly-centric books that exist nowadays. You should not read this book unless you have a very finely tuned BS-meter and a wide subject-area knowledge so you know to flag the many, many times the author is mistaken or lying. (I hate to assign motive, but some of the "mistakes" are so basic that it's tough to imagine that she didn't know she was at least fudging.)

[Chad · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deborah Anapol describes polyamory in this way: "I use the word polyamory to describe the whole range of lovestyles that arise from an understanding that love cannot be forced to flow or be prevented from flowing in any particular direction. Love which is allowed to expand often grows to include a number of people. But to me, polyamory has more to do with an internal attitude of letting love evolve without expectations or demands that it look a particular way than it does with the number of partners involved." Stated that way, I believe that polyamory is philosophically a better system than enforced monogamy. If the idea that a person cannot own, possess, or control another person rings true to you, then I suggest that polyamory is the better approach to love and relationships.

That said, there is, as they say, plenty of devil still in the details. This book provides strong guidance on those devilish details, giving very insightful advice, commentary, and anecdotes about the day-to-day management of a polyamorous lifestyle. Her strongest chapters are 4: The Ethics of Polyamory, 6: The Challenge of Jealousy, 7: Polyamory and Children, and 8: Coming-Out Issues. There are a few weak chapters, especially toward the end of the book, but I am very impressed with her overall sagacity in her approach to polyamory and the way she was able to communicate that approach in this book.

Other books I have read on this topic spend a lot of time talking about structuring different methods of polyamory, but I couldn't help having the impression that they were just trading the rules of monogamy for a different set of rules. This book, however, strongly advocates that the rules that work will be different in any given situation, and rather than trying to come up with some globally applicable laws of relating, Deborah Anapol suggests approaching relationships with an open mind and heart, and allowing the relationship itself to determine what is best for it. This makes the most sense to me, and is why I can say, even though I have strong personal tendencies toward monogamous relationships, that I am polyamorous. I agree ethically, morally, and philosophically with this approach.

[Alicja · Rating 3 out of 5]

Mniej New Age'u, tantry, wschodniej duchowości i San Francisco Bay Area, z pewnością pomogłoby w lekturze.

[Mindi Rosser · Rating 3 out of 5]

Have you ever deliberated to click the "It's Complicated" relationship status on your Facebook profile? A twinge of guilt masked with exhilaration swirls through that impending keyboard click. Depending upon your reasons for hesitation, you might unconsciously subscribe to a polyamorous lovestyle.

What is Polyamory? Author Deborah Anapol defines polyamory as “having an intimate relationship with more than one person at a time.” As opposed to swinging, which is consensual exchange of partners for recreational sex, polyamory seeks to cultivate multiple relationships beyond that of erotic escapades. For those with extraordinary emotional capacity to nurture numerous relationships simultaneously (or serially), Anapol presents polyamory as an admirable option to traditional monogamy.

Controversial as this subject may be, polyamory does not define itself as a grassroots replication of the adamant 60s era free love promiscuity. Polite company eschews talk of religion, politics, and sex – especially the misperceptions surrounding polyamorous living. News media has erroneously portrayed this lifestyle as a deviant sexual preference attacking the foundation of the nuclear family. Polyamorists would defend their consensual choice by all parties involved to live and love freely.

Anapol, a clinical psychologist and decades-long polyamorist, guides the apprehensive poly* and monogamous reader through an eleven-chapter topical exploration of modern polyamory. In Chapter One, she defines polyamory for the sexually sheltered and mildly curious. Chapter Two discloses the types of people who choose polyamory and why. This is a deciding chapter for the reader whether to continue exploration or drop the probing altogether. Chapter Three is an in-depth history of polyamory, exploring polygamy and polyandry across various cultures. Chapter Four delineates the ethical system necessary to maintaining happiness and nurturing openness amidst sundry lovers. Do you wonder if you are polyamorous by nature (or choice)? Read Chapter Five for her psychologist’s description of the Polyamorous Personality. Jealousy - - the audacious opponent for poly living - - is addressed in Chapter Six. I personally would have liked to more practical application for managing jealousy than Anapol provides. If you are seeking to have children, read Chapter Seven about the various tactics of poly child rearing in a monogamous culture. Coming-out about your lovestyle has the entire Chapter Eight dedicated to it, surprisingly enough. Chapters Nine and Ten involve the reader in an examination of cross-cultural perspectives and through human evolution’s relationship practices. The last chapter explains the costs and benefits of polyamory. This chapter would have fared better near the beginning of the book, so the reader could weigh the options before delving into historicity, myth, and cultural adaptations.

After reading this book, I frantically sprinted back to the safety of my blissful monogamy. Instead of defaulting into socially accepted monogamy, I now purposefully chose to limit my potential life partners to one man. My emotional circuitry would go into overload with the managing of multiple relationships and corresponding drama. Keeping it simple is my motto. For the poly lover, I wish for you the more the merrier.

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very well researched and structured book on open relationships. Not so much a how to or guide book, as it is an explanation of why some folks chose this relationship style. The author gives lots of examples from her practice as a therapist, and doesn't push her point of view. I absolutely agree in principle with the philosophy of polyamory, but am not at all sure that I personally have the communication skills, self-awareness and flexibility needed to make it work. there are lots of reasons why monogamy doesn't work, and there are lots of reasons why polyamory fails too. I think what I take from this is that no matter what the skills needed to have any kind of successful relationship aren't all that different.

[Andy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've both read and written enough on this topic to discover few new things on any book about polyamory and non-monogamy. Still, I found this to be a good survey on relatively current issues on non-monogamy. I certainly don't agree with all of Dr. Anapol's assertions or opinions, but I don't expect that to be the case for any book I read on the topic. Compared to the other "bibles" on open relationships--The Ethical Slut and Opening Up--I found this one to be an equally balanced and more interesting read. I found the discussion on issues surrounding jealousy to be very well written, although the final couple chapters felt a bit more touch-feely than I really needed. All in all, it's definitely worth a read for anyone interested in polyamory.

[Asia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cudowna pozycja przybliżająca poliamorię od praktycznej strony. Co prawda kawałki dotyczące pewnych mało naukowych teorii brzmiały dla mnie jak bełkot, jednak autorka przytacza też wiele wyników badań i studiów konkretnych przypadków, ich problemów oraz sposobów ich rozwiązania.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

"The new commandment is that we love one another, not by pairs, as in the world, but en masse."

[Matthew Gault · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a fine introduction to the topic of polyamory, but finds itself caught between trying to be a popular science book, advocacy text, and academic study all while avoiding being a 'how to guide'.

I think the opening chapters are quite good, though the 'History of Polyamory' section is really a history of US polyamory with a few nods to elsewhere appearing occasionally. The ethics chapter is probably the most valuable one. I did skip the chapter on polyamory and children, because it didn't interest me (and I think that is a very good way to approach this book as it is structured in descrete chapters which only occasionally point back to others).

After that it gets into more questionable territory, as Anapol is basing it all on regions she's directly worked in, the cross cultural chapter (which excited me most, as an anthropologist) leaves a lot to be desired only covering parts of China and India, Europe, the UK, and Austrialia and New Zealand. References to indiginous populations are sparse, beyond Native Americans, but are these groups not also practicing polyamory in the 21st Century? What about lots of groups across Asia, outside of China and India, who are practicing polyamory in a way very different to Western/Global North modes? During her Cross-cultural chapter she also has a few weird digs a European socialists and, though she admits this herself, possible over-represents anarchist polyamory in the UK.

The myth, archetypes, and human evolution chapter highlights the more worrying trend throughout the book, which is a reliance on Jungian ideas and evolutionary psychology. If that's your thing, it's not an issue, but it definitely colours any analysis and raises issue when trying to work through her ideas of "polyamorous personalities" and so on.

To summarise, I think it is a servicable introduction, but I think there are probably better academic books out there on the topic and if you want to engage in polyamory, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities is a better purchase.

[Jai · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't go into reading this book but I was pleasantly surprise! The author, Deborah Anapol, has taught me a few things about myself as a poly person. This isn't a how to book, or a book for someone who is new to the lovestyle, it's for people who have experience and want to strengthen their knowledge on the subject. The author, who was a clinical psychologist, did a great job of using case studies to give examples of topics that were discussed. I was surprised that there was a full chapter on jealousy. And the chapter didn't cover the basic, you get jealous and we get jealous.-get over it scenario. Dr. Anapol covered several different things regarding jealousy from a physical, spiritual and cultural standpoint. In my opinion this was my favorite portion of the book, even though I normally don't experience jealousy the chapter provided so much insight to me on my continuing journey and growth.

[Klaudia Nogajczyk · Rating 2 out of 5]

Moja przygoda z tą książką rozpoczęła się od wykładu obejrzanego na youtube. Ten tytuł pozostał mi w głowie na tak długi czas, że widząc ją na jeden z bibliotecznych półek postanowiłam się z tą pozycją zapoznać. Muszę przyznać, że w tej pozycji naukowej jest tyle samo nudy, co ciekawości. Przydługi naukowy wstęp sprawił, że kilkakrotnie odkładałam książkę na półkę i brałam ją z powrotem, była to istna "droga przez mękę". Dalej, gdy już zaczęły pojawiać się przykłady opisujące "to co autorka miała na myśli" to zaczynało robić się ciekawie. O czym jest "Poliamoria"? Przede wszystkim o relacjach, pomiędzy trójką lub większą ilością bliskich sobie osób, które decydują się na otwarty związek, o miłości i intymności. Tak autorka nie boi się słów: tantra, seks, swingersi. Wyjaśniane zostają różnice pomiędzy poliamorią, a poligamią, które są bardzo często mylone. Książkę mogłabym polecić przede wszystkim czytelnikom posiadającym otwarty umysł, ciekawość świata i ludzi.

[David Emery · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of the best material I've read yet on types of jealousy and how to manage them, the ethics of polyamory, and the ramifications of "coming out" as polyamorous. But it's also chock full of information I found only slightly interesting at best (histories, cultural and spiritual expressions, mythical representations, and evolutionary purpose of polyamory, plus a lot about caring for children in poly relationships). I might have waded too deep into Anapol's writing right away - this is her fifth and last book, so I did get the impression she was mostly concentrated on filling in gaps.

[Amanda Peterson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have heard about the concept of polyamory online and thought it was something that could only happen in the 21st century. While it is more talked about in our time, the concept of multiple partners has already happened throughout history. What is interesting about this book that while clinical it does not try to paint polyamory as something perfect. The author does list some noted problems with the concept. Not a bad read.

[Kirsten · Rating 2 out of 5]

Too much of what I feel is 'self help'-type talk. I skimmed a lot, especially when reading interviews and sample cases because they were very repetitive - i.e. the same thing gets said three different ways by the same person within two paragraphs. Some not bad moments but overall this book didn't work for me.

[Chez · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was interesting but had a lot of focus on group marriages and couples opening up their relationships, which I found difficult. I didn't see much of myself and how I want to do poly - ie solo poly - here, and it's always disappointing to not see yourself represented.

[Purple Booklover · Rating 5 out of 5]

5*****/5*****.

[Amber · Rating 2 out of 5]

This got Weird...fast

[catLin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bardzo dużo przydatnych informacji w bardzo przyjaznej formie
Przypisy tłumacza w wersji polskiej również niezwykle pomocne w zrozumieniu szerszego kontekstu, itd.
Pozycja warta polecenia dla osób które chcą się dowiedzieć więcej zarówno ze względów ściśle teorytycznych jak i bardziej praktycznych.

[Abbey Hartland · Rating 4 out of 5]

the verdict is in: i am in fact brave enough to read this book on the train. i only got one dude asking, "so girl, how do you like the book hur hur," which is fewer than the number of dudes who hit on me while i was reading my analytical chem textbook.

anapol articulates some really fascinating viewpoints about polyamory from an ecological and scientific perspective. the book is delightfully heavy on philosophy; she answers the question "why?" more than "how?"

unfortunately, anapol definitely needed a stronger editor. many of the sentences were unreadably complex, and she had this habit of embarking on some really awkward tangents. for example, in the middle of a paragraph about her work publishing a polyzine, and she makes a point of talking about how she wanted to date her co-editors, but there was no chemistry between them, so she just kept making the magazine instead.

just... please stop. forever.

her scientific metaphors are interesting, but need some polishing. i loved and hated this bit on molecular bonding:

"Imagine if the periodic table of elements was limited to hydrogen and lithium. The polyfidelitious carbon molecule would be completely out of place in an exclusively pair-bonded world."

lithium hydride? a highly reactive ionically bonded substance, really? shoulda gone with a covalently bonded Cl2 metaphor. but goddamn, i will never look at whorey carbon in the same way.

[Rose · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing. Anapol's book Polyamory: The New Love Without Limits, was the very first poly book that I ever read way back in high school and helped me to get some direction for my thoughts about it.

Polyamory in the 21st Century continues the high standard, taking perspectives from a number of different scientific and spiritual fields to investigate polyamory, its costs and benefits, and how to make it positive and sustainable.

I truly love the author's approach to trying to understand poly and how it can relate not only to individuals, but to the developing world and the shifting society around us. I look forward to reading anything else Anapol publishes in the future and I HIGHLY recommend both of her poly books for any people who want to learn more about poly or are considering trying a polyamorous relationship themselves.

[Signy · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing of the book is as if it were written in the 1980s or 90s, as opposed to the 21st century, which it is supposed to be about. It focuses largely on cishet poly relationships, though it does touch on bi and gay ones. The author seems to think, incorrectly, that being transsexual is a third sex, when in fact it is not. The author does a little better when it comes to ethical, moral, and psychological issues relating to polyamory, most notably jealous. Passive trans erasure is found throughout the book, with nary a mention even in the LGB specific passages. The end of the book does give a good rundown on the advantages of polyamory for those fortunate enough to find themselves in loving, local poly relationships.

[Surri · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I feel like I've grown some by reading this book, I also feel like it could have been written in a more engaging manner. For those looking for a more clinical view of polyamory spiced with some personal experiences and the history of the relationship models, this book is a good one. I prefer a book that does more than present the data to me. Overall, the information was presented well and I greatly appreciate it, I just didn't really enjoy reading it.

[Anjalique · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not only is Anapol a great writer, but her vast knowledge of all things polyamory (or should we say "all things relationship?") is immediately evident upon beginning this book. One of my most dog-eared books to date, and definitely in my top favorites, period. Fascinating, informative, and well-researched.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

So much more honest than the Ethical Slut. If you are new to poly and just trying to understand different ways of doing it, this book is a great introduction to looking at the many styles of poly relationships and families that exist. It is written plainly, not self-indulgent or pretentious, unlike the Ethical Slut which is provocative, impractical and slightly ridiculous.

[Jennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wow. It's a wonderful introduction to polyamory. I'd recommend this book to anyone who is interested in knowing more about polyamory. The book is a real eye-opener, even for someone who isn't new to polyamory.

[Robert · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very good book on polyamory, well-written and exciting. Unlike the other polyamory books, this one focuses on heterosexual relations and emphasize the importance of love in these relations. I liked this aspect the most.

[Ang · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a book that I didn't read from cover to cover, but would pick up and put back down from time to time. I am not personally interested in this lifestyle, however, I do find it interesting.... if that makes any sense -_-

[Alex · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's a good, rational, scientific, take on a topic that is usually handled with whim and emotion. Not a whole lot of new information, but a good read. I'd recommend it to anyone in a new relationship, polyamorus or not.

[Robert · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very good book on polyamory, well-written and exciting. Unlike the other polyamory books, this one focuses on heterosexual relations and emphasize the importance of love in these relations. I liked this aspect the most.