Bought and had this book signed at the Dumaguete Literary Festival 2025, so it was a shock to find the same city mentioned later inside the pages. This actually may be the first book of fiction I've read that was set in the Philippines. Truly, it tugs closer to the heart when the concerned issue is prevalent where you reside. I do not mean the wars or insurgency, but perhaps in theory to discuss.
This was written so well, younger me could not have imagined understanding, even more so enjoying, a book with "difficult" words, but so I did, and each word delivered the story to achieve its desired impact, precise and poetic. A story of heart and logic, of demanding more and of making do, of revolt and of restraint, of keeping up with the times, perhaps of growing up.
It honestly scared me to finish this book, because I knew I would be impacted by it in some way, and I did not know how. I was scared I would temporarily lose my mind again, as I do every election season. The reason I do is because I get torn apart from the varying views, and I could not, for the life of me, figure anything entirely out. There are always negatives to the positives that I find, and the negatives are presented to me by the people closest to me, and I trust them, but even if I do, of course I know how any journalist would conquer information presented in their hands, to cross-check the sources always. When there are no sources provided for me to cross-check, I am left to believe them by faith, but when there are, so does my entire being shake: they were not lying.
So I've come to believe in the simple truth that each person speaks their own truths relative to their experience, even when they cannot argue or prove them well. This book, thankfully, I know, was not lying. Reading up on Butch Dalisay's biography, and having met him personally, I felt he was credible enough for me to believe in what he had to say. Thus, I had a lot of questions while and after I read through its pages. Nearing the end, it had me asking, "What was his purpose in writing this?" aside from the obvious, which was to tell a story. I asked in the sense that I wanted to know the truth. Me and my desire to know what is real in a world, in a country, that blinds you with facades and fakes left and right. Perhaps, what also scares me, is that I could have already been manipulated, thus why I feel these things. I guess it can be natural to be at the center, confused, given that I used to not always be at the center, thinking it was imperative to give any opinion, even if it was not whole. Is it?
What was Dalisay's purpose in writing the book? I asked with about 30 pages remaining. Eventually, I found my answer in the fourth and final chapter, wherein it was never a clear-cut answer to what I had been trying to figure out (which side was Dalisay emphasizing, showing its greater value?). That wasn't the point. It was more about being stuck someplace else in principle, and yet there remain the complications of accepting normalcy within a world that you obviously knew had a lot more to prove to be different, to be better. But the revolution they sought wasn't so easy, and I suppose Noel's newfound purpose was a sort of remodeling from the task he sought out when he was younger, and of course, his values have not changed, maybe his principles bent, but to him it was necessary--but I wonder if it is, really, for the writer? Are Dalisay's notions captured in the psyche of his main character? I realized then, this is a writer's privilege: to tell a story without having to directly confront it. The truths are hidden in a chapter, but the answer is never stated in one thesis statement. It could, but with every nuance or complexity presented, it is rarely ever personal. You could deny an opinion, simply because it is not yours, it is your character's.
Perhaps it was also a commentary about the self's capacity for contentment, and whether going back to the camp to keep fighting the big war that could not be won, would satisfy more than making do with a life that asked you to settle down and shift your energy to productively filling in the cracks of society in your own little way. In the epilogue, we are revealed to what Dalisay truly has to say, in his column published in the Philippine Inquirer: live, don't die, for your country. Perhaps that is the thesis statement. Perhaps the reason I feel so troubled in finding the truth was because I agreed with my family to an extent, and that extent is drawn where they cross biases, and argue without sound judgment. Somehow, this book, then, has become my north star, as exaggerated as it may sound. It presents a reality that is so complex, I imagine it could not be denied by any person who has lived through that particular time, mostly because it is a story told from the lens of the revolutionary himself. He will be forgiven by the opposition as he chooses to find a different path from the one he had outgrown, making it difficult to paint him as an antagonist. Yet to the members of the movement, he is still an ally, as he embraces the same values and principles, only these are applied differently than before. I hope, at least, that he is seen trying to take conscious efforts to do more towards their "revolution," such as in writing. But it was never shown; it was only of how easy it was to be swallowed in by the system. I'd like to believe Noel was contributing towards the movement still, after Laurie's letter, in his productive ways as a writer. Just like Dalisay.
I acknowledge the dangers of my doubt, how I'd cling onto anyone who states the reality in the most complex way that I would like to believe them credible. But I trust in Dalisay, not only because he is a writer, but because he has been a young Filipino activist, one that I believe I am, if only in my own terms. That is another thing I have learned then, that activism does not look the same. The book brought to my conscious mind that I am an activist, at heart. I may not be screaming repetitive statements on the streets, but my cause for finding the truth is a manifestation of the passion I have to contribute meaningful change to society. The world may function slightly similarly to the past, but change cannot be gained by following how it was. Activism must change its form, we must adapt.
We must educate ourselves, stay close to our communities, engage in discourse, and even if opinions do not match, at least try to understand why or how other people think like that. We must not close our doors, we are all fighting for the same things. We are all human, we are all Filipino.
That is why I feel all this worry, because I know how much I am capable of shaking up society. At least, I'd like to shake it up for the better, not the worse. I want my activism to be effective, not convenient. Dying is so very convenient.
For an overview, this book is an exhilarating read. The imagery is so vivid, you can hear the sounds in each chapter presented in vibrant colors. The characters are all introduced in a way that makes them relevant, memorable at the end. If you want a book that can make you think, this is one of them, certainly one not to pass on in this modern age. It also wasn't hard to read, even with dainty adjective words sprawled out, it did not lose sight of the message it was trying to share. However, I do admit that its audience is more catered to the middle and upper classes, the "educated" who usually lack enough knowledge to aid their activism. They should be reading this. As for curing a reading slump, this book certainly makes me want to read more Philippine literature, and especially, Dalisay's writing. I'm excited for more of the Filipino stories that I have yet to consume. Suddenly, I feel a distaste towards Western material, or at least, I feel less inclined to engage in theirs. Perhaps because I feel more urgency to know about my country first, which is true given our political landscape today. We'll see how it goes.
Thesis statement: Reading is activism, and writing, even more so.