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Imperative People: Those Who Must Be in Control
Do You Really Want to Carry the Burden of Always Having to be Right? Probably not. Yet you may be an imperative person, someone whose need to be right, to be in control, disrupts your closest relationships. Imperative people are those whose closest relationships are disrupted by their need form control. Over time people lose influence because people get tired of them. Their relationships turn sour. Most of us have some imperative characteristics. This valuable ability to organize and lead can become our greatest weakness when it disrupts our relationships with friends, family, and work associates. That's when we need to learn how to back off to find the correct balance. Imperative people are so convinced of the correctness of their ways that they can barely tolerate people and events that seem contrary. Imperative people crave control, though they are not necessarily aware enough to admit it. Free yourself from the burden of always having to be right.
- GenresPsychologySelf Help
220 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1991
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Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews
May 31, 2024
Everyone has had the often-unpleasant experience of knowing people who are “controlling”, and, as Dr. Carter points out in this volume, most people if they are honest with themselves will have to admit that they, too, have exhibited “controlling” tendencies from time to time. While this book is intended principally for those of this personality type who have admitted to themselves that it has caused problems in their interpersonal relationships at home, at work, at church, or anywhere else, those who have to live or work with such persons will also find it useful.
Some examples of “imperative” or controlling behavior: 1) a man who demanded that his dinner always be prepared a certain way and that, without fail, it be on the table ready-to-eat when he arrived home from work, and who never lifted a finger to help with any household chores, since that was “woman’s work” and it was a wife’s duty to “submit” to her husband, since that was what his church taught and he interpreted the teaching in the broadest possible way (this marriage ended in divorce since the wife eventually decided she had had enough of this sort of treatment); 2) a neighbor who used the threat of divorce to emotionally blackmail her rather shy and retiring husband into remodeling her kitchen; she also appointed herself the neighborhood watchdog (or gadfly!) and informed her neighbors when their cars were parked too long in one place, or sticking out too far into the sidewalk from the driveway, or that they could not put a “for sale” sign in a car window, or a small sign in a house window advertising a home business—all this on pain of being reported to the police (needless to say, she was probably the most disliked—or downright hated—person in the neighborhood, but didn’t care!); 3) company managers (who could most charitably be described as “sociopathic tyrants”) who “ruled” by bullying and intimidation and whose “decrees” were obeyed (or at least accorded lip service) because employees were afraid of them; who resented anyone who did not attend the company Christmas party and cited that as evidence of those persons’ not being “team players”; who treated those who exhibited sycophantic behavior toward them far better than those who didn’t, thus creating a double standard; and who could not possibly imagine why anyone would not like them.
Dr. Carter cites many similar examples from his own counseling experience as he identifies the sources and characteristics of controlling behavior and suggests various ways for “controllers” to improve their interpersonal relationships. Insecurity, allowing emotion rather than cool-headedness and reason to govern action, dependency (allowing other peoples’ behavior to govern or influence one’s own) and a simple inborn need to be in control are cited as common sources; with resentment, hostility, defiance, and avoidance as frequent results—because people simply grow tired of condescension and being told what to do.
“Controllers” are urged to look within themselves for solutions. They must learn to recognize the inherent worth of others as human beings, created by God, who have a right to their own feelings and opinions, and to see things differently; and that those with other views should not be regarded as threats or competition. A “rigidity of expectation” must be replaced by flexibility and patience instead of a “my way or the highway, and right now!” attitude. If this approach is combined with humility and contentment, the result will be the freedom to develop peaceful, friendly and/or loving relationships with spouses, children, co-workers, neighbors—even the barista at Starbucks or the harried clerk at the DMV. And the result, in turn, of this? A sense of inner peace and calmness instead of constant tension, antagonism, condescension, hostility and alienation. And those who must live with an “imperative” person will find many of these steps just as valuable.
***** review by Chuck Graham *****
Some examples of “imperative” or controlling behavior: 1) a man who demanded that his dinner always be prepared a certain way and that, without fail, it be on the table ready-to-eat when he arrived home from work, and who never lifted a finger to help with any household chores, since that was “woman’s work” and it was a wife’s duty to “submit” to her husband, since that was what his church taught and he interpreted the teaching in the broadest possible way (this marriage ended in divorce since the wife eventually decided she had had enough of this sort of treatment); 2) a neighbor who used the threat of divorce to emotionally blackmail her rather shy and retiring husband into remodeling her kitchen; she also appointed herself the neighborhood watchdog (or gadfly!) and informed her neighbors when their cars were parked too long in one place, or sticking out too far into the sidewalk from the driveway, or that they could not put a “for sale” sign in a car window, or a small sign in a house window advertising a home business—all this on pain of being reported to the police (needless to say, she was probably the most disliked—or downright hated—person in the neighborhood, but didn’t care!); 3) company managers (who could most charitably be described as “sociopathic tyrants”) who “ruled” by bullying and intimidation and whose “decrees” were obeyed (or at least accorded lip service) because employees were afraid of them; who resented anyone who did not attend the company Christmas party and cited that as evidence of those persons’ not being “team players”; who treated those who exhibited sycophantic behavior toward them far better than those who didn’t, thus creating a double standard; and who could not possibly imagine why anyone would not like them.
Dr. Carter cites many similar examples from his own counseling experience as he identifies the sources and characteristics of controlling behavior and suggests various ways for “controllers” to improve their interpersonal relationships. Insecurity, allowing emotion rather than cool-headedness and reason to govern action, dependency (allowing other peoples’ behavior to govern or influence one’s own) and a simple inborn need to be in control are cited as common sources; with resentment, hostility, defiance, and avoidance as frequent results—because people simply grow tired of condescension and being told what to do.
“Controllers” are urged to look within themselves for solutions. They must learn to recognize the inherent worth of others as human beings, created by God, who have a right to their own feelings and opinions, and to see things differently; and that those with other views should not be regarded as threats or competition. A “rigidity of expectation” must be replaced by flexibility and patience instead of a “my way or the highway, and right now!” attitude. If this approach is combined with humility and contentment, the result will be the freedom to develop peaceful, friendly and/or loving relationships with spouses, children, co-workers, neighbors—even the barista at Starbucks or the harried clerk at the DMV. And the result, in turn, of this? A sense of inner peace and calmness instead of constant tension, antagonism, condescension, hostility and alienation. And those who must live with an “imperative” person will find many of these steps just as valuable.
***** review by Chuck Graham *****
March 28, 2021
©1991
This is a biblically based look at the need to have control, whether in your own life or experience it at the hands of others.
This is a biblically based look at the need to have control, whether in your own life or experience it at the hands of others.
July 2, 2012
Carter's book is an easy if, occasionally, slow read. Carter provides powerful insight into our imperative tendencies and relates this to our relationships with spouses, children, and everyone. The book at times feel like it tackles the same concept over and over, and this can be a bit dull but on the other hand, there is a certain surgical feel to the book - as if each repetition is necessary to bring us closer to the truth.
You can read my full review here: http://www.daveenjoys.com/2011/06/19/...
You can read my full review here: http://www.daveenjoys.com/2011/06/19/...
May 6, 2011
Great book. It provided plenty of insight and information about people who fight to always be in control.
July 29, 2013
Great, great book, would recommend it to anyone!
Displaying 1 - 5 of 5 reviews