Becoming Your Spouse's Better Half: Why Differences Make a Marriage Great

by Rick Johnson

It's no secret that men and women are different. And it's no secret that they don't always get along because of these differences, even when they love each other. But having a successful marriage is not about finding the perfect person to marry. It's about loving someone in an unselfish, Christ like manner. Whatever we want out of marriage unconditional love, forgiveness, passion that is what we have to give to our spouse. Rick Johnson shows couples how to go beyond merely tolerating each other's differences to using those Godgiven differences to add spice and passion to their relationship.

Genres: Nonfiction, Marriage, Self Help, Christian, Relationships, Family, Spirituality

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2010

About the author

Rick founded Better Dads, a fathering skills program, based on the urgent need to empower men to lead and serve in their families and communities. Rick's books have expanded his work to include influencing the whole family, with life-changing insights for men and women on parenting, marriage, and personal growth. Inspiring and equipping through innovative multimedia presentations and seminars, Rick's resources, methods and personal approach have been transforming the lives of men, women, and their families for over 20 years.

Rick speaks at many large conferences across the US and Canada. He is a popular keynote speaker at men’s and women’s retreats and conferences on parenting and marriage.

He is a nationally recognized expert in several areas having been asked to deliver papers at venues such as the International Convention of Adult Children of Alcoholics, County of Los Angeles Child Abuse Prevention Conference and the State of New York Fatherhood Conference. Rick’s work with men and fathers was recognized when he was invited to the White House as part of the “Champions of Change” ceremony in 2012.

Prior to becoming a bestselling author and speaker, Rick was a small business owner for 16 years, owning and operating an environmental engineering firm. He attended George Fox University receiving a Bachelor of Arts degree in Management and Organizational Leadership, and has a Masters Degree in Education from Concordia University. He is a veteran of the United States Navy, has served on the Board of Directors for several community and business associations, and coaches high school basketball in his spare time. Rick has been featured in many national publications such as New Man Magazine, Crosswalk.com, Christianity.com, Christianity Today’s Men of Integrity, Relevant Magazine, Pentecostal Evangel, Thriving Family, and Proverbs 31 Ministries Magazine.

He is the bestselling author of twelve books and has appeared on over 300 radio programs and television shows around the United States and Canada. He is the former co-host of a live, weekly radio show and a frequent guest host of other local programs. Rick is actively involved with the men’s and family ministries as well as speaking from the pulpit at his church and various other churches.

Rick and his wife Suzanne have two adult children (one deceased) and is raising an adopted granddaughter having recently re-located to Texas.

You can find out more about Rick on his web site at www.betterdads.net .

Reviews

[Sierra| HooksxBooks · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book for what it was. It was simple, not necessarily memorable, but the content was worth reading once.

There were some good tips in this book, but also, certain areas I wish there was more focus on. The book gives great perspective on a woman being a great wife for her husband, and time is taken in this section to provide great detail and examples of what is required. But for the woman? It felt rushed and simple. Not really providing much for a husband to be a better spouse for their wife.

If it was better balanced, this would have been a greater book.

[Kelly Lamb · Rating 1 out of 5]

I went into this book very optimistic. I read one of Dr. Laura's marriage books a few years back and really disliked it, so I was hoping this one would be different.

It was different, but not in the way I hoped. First of all, I won this book through Goodreads, but I don't exactly fit the profile of the type of person that this book was written for (which I didn't know when I entered the drawing). I'm a liberal, feminist, atheistic female who dislikes shopping and will probably never stay at home to raise my kids (not by choice but by financial necessity), and my husband is a well-adjusted male who was was raised for the majority of his childhood by a single mother, cooks and does dishes, and is often more talkative than I am. Yet we are still very happily married. :) Not exactly the audience that was catered to in this book.

I was drawn in by the introduction, because I can get behind appreciating each other's differences and attempting to adjust behaviors in order to work for a more harmonious marriage. Where I got lost was in the seven "modes" and "moods". I have a very hard time generalizing people into boxes like that, especially when the generalizations made were SO very different than the way my husband and I actually are. For example, I can't imagine asking my husband if he could work fewer hours, and having him completely ignore my initial request. But according to this book, that is to be expected, and wives need to use a variety of other tactics to get through to him. Perhaps we communicate differently, but either way, this type of explanation didn't work for me.

The bottom line is: this book is about appreciating differences in order to make a marriage stronger. I get that, I like that. But I think this book can really only work effectively if the couples reading it fit into the author's generalizations about male and female behavior. My husband and I both felt that, the majority of the time, that did not include us.

[Adolgushin · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is obviously about a man and a woman and how the heck in the world they can have a nice and satisfying marriage. This subject is not about the newest Web technology but about probably the oldest problem in the world since Adam and Eve, so it has been receiving a great amount of attention from thousands of authors. Still Rick Johnson managed to add some new thoughts to this, while keeping the book pretty fun and easy to read.

The book talks about both men and women, and is aimed to help us to understand and appreciate our spouses way of thinking and living. If you are a male like me and want a reminder about how cool you are supposed to be, this book might be of help. If you are having a hard time understanding your wife, it may give you inspiration on how to understand and forgive her.

Ultimately, the book is about loving unconditionally, in a Bible manner, in order to get a great relationship with your loved one.

On a particular note, I need to mention author's "bullshit-free" attitude. He seems genuine so you feel like talking to a wise old guy who just shares his knowledge in a humble manner.

I'd recommend this book for couples who are on their way to understanding each other and need some inspiration.

[Michelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this one. It's written from a Christian perspective; half of the book is aimed at explaining men to their wives, and half at explaining women to their husbands so we can cherish one another better. I learned a lot! I do think the half of the book explaining men is the stronger half--a couple of the women's chapters were a bit thin. :-) No surprise, since the author is a man who confesses to being flummoxed by women often enough. I guess I give him credit for a credible effort despite his being clearly perplexed by us. LOL Still, if couples paid more attention to what the author does explain, we'd probably all have happier marriages.

[Kendra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book by Rick Johnson. This was my first book that I have read by him and he put humor throughout the book which could have been a boring book about marriage. Though, I wish that he had more insight on the women but I did understand why he did not as he is a male. Though, reading the guys part of the book really helped me have more insight on my husband. I wish then he would have had a section about marriage all together. Also how to work it all together and have a good marriage. All in all I rate it a three star.

[Dewi · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book did enlighten me about knowing who is a man. xixixi..
It tells reader 7 things we should know as a woman about who a man is.
and 7 things man should know about woman.
It will helps reader to become a good spouse's better half.

[Megan | _The.Brunette.Bookworm_ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve read this book multiple times and I’ll keep reading it frequently. I like the reminder of how my husband and I are very different.

[Yellow Rose · Rating 4 out of 5]

The strengths of this book include Amazing insight into the man's mind, what the man needs and wants. The book lacks depth overall, however it is only 215 pages. It is written by a pastor and it does have occasional quotation of scripture and bible stories. However, even if you are not Christian (as I am) you can overlook this, because the topic in itself is fascinating and interesting to read about. Another point where the author lacked depth was on the subject of women. I think if his wife had offered some more insights for him the section on women would have been more informative.

I will begin the review by quoting the author on the issue of Equality. Because thanks to feminists from early on we are taught false doctrines about gender and male and female relationships. This causes divorce, because a communist egalitarian model of a marriage does not work.

"Equality in a relationship does not mean sameness-it means each person is valued for the contribution they bring to the table" (13).

Feminists tell us that to have equality we must be the same, gender bending is the way to do it, they want to feminize the males and turn women into men. This social engineering is truly sickening and books like this help expose the truth.

Contrary to feminist beliefs, a woman has so much power to influence the man. The author notes "The one person in the whole world to whom a man drops this defensive shield, if only occasionally, is his wife" (26). We hold the power over the men we love and we either make them or break them, and if women continue espousing to a feminist doctrine, they will break them entirely. Feminists tell us that we have no power, we are oppressed by our men and they do noting but use us, this is a lie to force women into the workforce so they can break up the family. If women feel that the only way they will have power is by getting careers and putting careers first then their marriages and families, society will begin to diminish. As it is diminishing now, society is being destroyed by feminists. A stable family is at the core of stable society, so we must have stable families to have stable and crime free societies.

The author includes two sections a section on men and a section for women. Although the section for men I believe is better developed (since the author is a man he knows more what men are about), the section on women is lacking. And both sections combined lack depth overall, I kept wanting for more after reading this book, not to mention that it took me only few hours to read the whole thing.

The author admits that men view women as objects. Now ladies do not get offended he explains how different men think therefore they see women like that. However, it is not that bad to be an object. Because a man who knows that you are his "object" per se, will love and cherish you more. He will take care of you and protect you. The author talks about the male need for sex, and he encourages men to give women romance and seduction before sex. Which makes sense because both are happy at the bargain. In addition, it does not mean that your man loves you less because he wants sex. Sex for men is like food, for women.
The author also notes that the fulfillment of the man's sexual need leads to a happy and more confident man. Because we already know that, a woman can either make or break her husband. By fulfilling his needs he will love, you more and he will feel more confident to slay the dragons outside the "castle" because he knows his woman is there for him. It is quite beautiful if you think about it. In addition, in marriages where a woman stays home it is an even bigger boost. A man will be proud of himself to be the breadwinner and he will be the hero in her eyes.

Another issue with the book was that the author did not specifically talk about such families where a woman stays home. He talked about double earner families as well and he said that a woman still does most of the housework (and that the husband should give her a break for a day or so, so she doesn't get tired about doing chores). Okay I am not a believer in double earner families. However IF a family is double earner, I think the household chores need to be 50/50 it is highly disturbing and horrible to expect of a wife to do work outside of the home and do all of the chores plus childcare. Besides it is the true man's responsibility to man up and be the breadwinner knight for his princess wife.

He also points out current societal problems; he says, "Boys raised by the model of a woman being the only provider in their lives often do not develop this strong sense of duty to provide for their families." (46). This is so true and pathetic at the same time, society has come to such a standstill where a man is no longer expected to provide and he feels no shame in not being able to provide. When it comes to the children of single mothers, we see crime involvement in drugs, not being able to for families and meaningful relationships. These boys shun responsibilities, while the girls continue the cycle of getting pregnant out of wedlock and becoming welfare queens.

Another good quote from the book he says "A man works as a gift to himself and an offering to his wife. Providing for her is one way to honor her and tell her he loves her" (51). Indeed ladies and do not let the feminists tell you that if a man wants you to stay home that he is somehow enslaving you or disrespecting you. In fact if a man wants you to stay home it is a sign of the deep love he has for you, and you should savor every bit of that love.

A very important duty for a husband is his role as a protector. He is the gatekeeper he must decide who enters the home and who does not. In addition, the author is very right to assume that even the most well trained woman would still be beaten down and abused by a strange man intent to harm her. The author makes a correct assumption that men seek out weak women (single mothers with children) as their prey, because they are easier to take advantage off. He also talks about protecting the wife Emotionally and Psychologically, by guarding her virtue, by exerting leadership over their families. This is very important. And leadership not in a sense that feminists like to portray but in a sense that he nurtures and protects with love and care while at the same time he is the leader and the king of the home and family. As the author says leadership must be "nurturing and uplifting" (122).

When it comes to his section on women, it is less developed and I was disappointed by his insight. I will overview the good and the bad that I think he makes a point off. He says women need to feel cherished and loved, which is true. In addition, if a woman espouses a feminist doctrine that she is the same as a man. That woman will not feel cherished nor will she feel loved. Because she will be denying her femininity and by doing that, she misses out on the love she could have, if she just stopped trying to be a man (a feminist).

He talks about the importance of security for women, the importance of a comfortable home. He talks about the toils of PMS and how it affects women, and how men should understand that. I thought that was really sweet of him. However, overall the section does not cover the many facets of being female in depth that is why I was quite disappointed with the section. A problem I had on his belief that women talk more then men, that they love to chat and that their Girlfriends are the best things ever. Sorry that is a stereotype. Personally not all women are chatterboxes, and nor do they talk more then men. A study has been done were they actually found out that on average men and women say the same amount of words per day. So women do not talk more then men on average. Moreover, not all women have many girlfriends.

Overall, the strength of the book lies in his insight into the man's mind. There are problems with the book that I have noted above. In addition, after reading this I felt like I wanted more information. Once again, this is a Christian book; I read this because it is hard to find books like this that are anti-feminist and secular at the same time. However, the occasional verse and bible story is not a problem at all for me. I highly recommend this book for couples and for husbands and wives to be.

[Jeffrey Bush · Rating 4 out of 5]

Practical, insightful, and helpful marriage book! Very good. Below are some takeaways from the book:


Despite your love and commonalities, you are two unique individuals with different backgrounds.

Your differences, though annoying at times, can make you stronger and better.

The average marriage in the United States is seven years, and the average second marriage is five years.

Many people will spend thousands of dollars for their wedding day, but put little investment into their marriage.

Not long after being married, people find out marriage is just plain, hard work.

Your mate is not perfect, and the only one you can change is yourself.

Women have an incredible power given to them by God, in which they can either complete and encourage their husband, or discourage and destroy their husband.

To be needed is extremely important for a man.

To be needed is to be loved.

Men drive their worth from what they do, and women drive their worth by who they are.

Men typically have a competitive drive, but it if not controlled, the spouse and family will be hurt.

A man needs other good men in his life to help him, encourage him, and keep him accountable.

Romance is the food to a woman’s emotional health.

Men usually process problems through silence or activities, but women process problems through conversation.

For most men, it is easier to be successful in their job than in their marriage; for this reason, many give up in their marriage.

Your wife needs to hear that you love her, and she needs to hear it often.

A man typically needs physical attention from his wife, but a woman needs verbal attention from her husband.

A woman needs a sense of security, and one of the ways she can feel that is through her home. She needs a place she can decorate, raise her family, put what she likes there, and call her castle.

Your wife is very tough, she gave birth to children, and can handle so many things. But your wife is also tender, and your words and actions can hurt her deeply.

Your wife has many insecurities, and your verbal interaction is vital to her.

As a man, you have a fragile ego and need your wife’s help. Your wife has a need to feel loved, admired, and appreciated, and God has placed you in her life to fulfill that.

Encourage your wife to have other female friends, she needs them.

Many have the idea that there’s someone out there that will make you happy for the rest of your life, but marriage is more about what you make it.

The way you speak to each other determines the quality of your marriage.

Love is not about you, it is about the one you love.

[James Tetley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Becoming Your Spouse Better Half, is fundamentally looking at understanding the differences between men an women. Overall I found this book very helpful. Sadly this topic of conversation is virtually of the table these days with, with a desire to blur the distinctive between the sexes....and get rid of the idea of male and female. This book analyses some key characteristics of the sexes to help them better understand and relate. I found the summingbp up sections helpful, and also appreciated him first teaching on men, and then women. There are certain things I didn't entirely agree on. It didn't fully recognise his the working world is now fully insured by both sexes, and how this impacts them in their characteristics. Also it lacked any mention on Christ and the notion of our covenant commitment. Finally in the last chapter I was expecting some summing up, but I instead it headed off in a different direction which almost felt like a new book....But overall if you can get past some of the Americanisms, this is a book that can save marriages and stop divorces if people were willing to take the journey of understanding the other.

Lots for me to apply personally, and despite the caveats I would still recommend this book to married couples as a must read for their marriage, and singles to better understand the opposite sex.

[Eve · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have mixed thoughts about this book. He had several great points and helpful hints regarding differences between men and women. However, I felt like he was biased on some of his thinking and some of the remarks he made were rude sounding regarding women. I kept wondering what his wife really thought about this book! I didn’t always agree with everything he said either. For example, some of his thoughts I felt were more attributed to personality rather than gender. I won’t completely discount the book, as there were a few good points to think on when I consider my husband, and he and I had some good discussion especially over the first couple of chapters for both men and women parts of the book.

[1411004 · Rating 3 out of 5]

The gist: “Becoming Your Spouse’s Better Half: Why Differences Make a Marriage Great” by Rick Johnson gives marital advice on how to understand your partner based on their gender norms. The book is divided into two sections, the first half explains men to women and the second half explains women to men. Johnson says having a successful marriage is not about finding the perfect person to marry. It’s about loving someone in an unselfish, Christlike manner. Whatever we want out of marriage–unconditional love, forgiveness, passion–that is what we have to give to our spouse

[Lara Zuberi · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked it. The author made some valid points and was mostly relatable. I enjoyed the subject of appreciating one’s spouse without always agreeing with him/her. I do think that the biblical references were unnecessary and added a preachy feel to the book which took away from its essence and impact, specially for non Christian readers.

[Shantel Lazrovich · Rating 3 out of 5]

Okay so I thought it was a good read but nothing to scream about
Liked the tips and suggestions and and the way the writer shared their story
Lot of things very noticeable and some have noticed before in my own marriage
But felt like it was more of their story then ways to help our own

I was very optimistic for this book but somewhat a little disappointed.

[LaDonna Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Mostly good

For the most part I really enjoyed this book. There were just two chapters I didn't like and it's probably just where I'm at in life. Humor mixed with truth and life experience.

[Linda · Rating 1 out of 5]

Unbelievably biased and poorly written. The author does not understand women enough to write a book for both spouses. It seems like he wrote the section on wives based off of every sexist stereotype about women he could find.

[Major Doug · Rating 2 out of 5]

Kinda preachy; liked end-of-chapters 'words that heal/words that hurt'

[Eric · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some excellent insights into understanding your spouse.

[Heather · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved reading about how men think and seeing that I’m not alone in the way I do want to be better for your spouse I highly recommend this book

[Savon Moniz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am so glad I read this, the concepts and self reflection helped me so much in my relationship and friendships.

[Michelle Roberts · Rating 1 out of 5]

Ive never ripped a book to shreds and thrown it in the garbage before, but it felt important to protect another woman from reading this book.

[Barbara Mahoney · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an enjoyable and informative book. It is written by a married pastor with children. He seems to have excellent insights regarding some of the basic differences between men and women and the way they communicate. At times, the book really had me laughing!

The book has a section which discusses what men need from their wives & another section outlining what wives need from their husbands. Most of his suggestions for a happy marriage boil down to good communication and looking out for the needs of each other and caring for one another. I've been married for 35 years to the same person & I have to agree with that philosophy!

The only critique I have about the book is that I often felt while reading it like he assumed most women stay home to raise their children and do not work. In today's world a lot of women are mothers who work outside of the home. I did not feel that the book sufficiently addressed the issue of women who work outside the home & are also mothers with young children.

I enjoyed his writing style and his insights.

[Linda Trionfo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book over all, He talks to women in the first half explaning why men do the things they do and to women in the 2nd half. I read the whole thing and thought in general he was correct on most fronts. Every women and man is different so you pick and choose what would help your marriage. It made me see why Kenny needs food all the time and how he views it. It helped me understand men and the whole sex thing, why they need it and that they also feel loved from it, not just a physical fulfillment. He is a Christian man and respectful and very funny. Easy read and both husband and wife would enjoy it.

[Alesha · Rating 4 out of 5]

There were several points in this book with which I didn't agree; however, I thought it was a great informational book about the differences between men and women. The seven chapters that spoke to women about the different "modes" of men really were food for thought. I read several parts aloud to Josh, and he was in complete agreement. One part really spoke to me about an issue I've personally been struggling with-the author stated that men take pride in their work while we take pride in being mothers. That explains to me why working makes men feel like good dads while it makes us feel like bad moms. Overall, a good read.

[Alexia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is definitely worth reading. I like the authors voice and facts on how to understand men and women in marriages. He's funny. My husband really enjoyed hue book and would often read ahead of me and I'd have to catch up. It really helped me understand the male mind and how Christian men still are affected by things the same as unbelieving men. It really helped our marriage and understanding and getting to know my husband better. Our marriage is the best that it has every been in almost 5 years of marriage. We got married when I just turned 20 and I'm about to be 25 this May. This nook is really helpful and biblical. I highly recommend it and men will want to read it as we'll.

[Nelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

Begitu banyak perbedaan antara Pria & Wanita yang seringkali membuat hubungan mereka bermasalah.
Buku ini mengupas dengan sangat detail perbedaan2 tersebut dan memberikan solusi2 yang menarik dalam mengahadapinya.
Saya sendiri akhirnya menyadari hal tersebut & berusaha semaksimal mungkin untuk lebih memahami kekasih saya. Tidak hanya kekasih, tetapi juga memahami saudara laki2 saya di rumah.
Buku ini sangat direkomendasikan untuk pasangan yang akan menikah maupun juga yang sudah menikah.
Selamat membaca.

[L · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very good book. I have read several books on marriage but I like the way this one is formatted -- one section for women to read about their husband's needs, wants, and what you as his wife can better understand and be supportive. This same information is given for husbands to better support and provide what their wives need. It is recommended that a couple read the book together-which I agree would be effective. This might also be a good book for a married couple class for newly-weds and for marriage counseling.

[Kristen MacGregor · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read the first half in the early part of the year, but just finished the second half meant more for husbands to read this last weekend. Nothing really new to the self help genre, but that doesn't mean it's a worthless read. However, I personally could have done without all the talk of spirituality and God. I'd rather hear more about relationships in a book about relationships (some might say that it's a necessary component, but obviously not all feel that way... so, if you are like me, try to find a different book not putting as much stock in religious things when taking about romance.)

[Heather Woods · Rating 4 out of 5]

Marvelous! I love how he goes into some detail explaining how men think (their modes) and what kinds of words are helpful and healing and which are hurtful. Then he explains to men how women think (their moods) and offers suggestions for husbands to bless, encourage, and love their wives in tangible and meaningful ways. I don't totally fit his descriptions of a woman's emotions, but I've always known that. It's an important book for looking inside yourself for how you can grow and then look outside yourself to serve and bless your partner.

[Christopher Wild · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great spousal insight! I enjoyed following Johnson's format of having partners read the chapters corresponding to their opposite-gender spouses. Despite knowing a good amount regarding the give and give and take (yep, that's right! GGT!) of healthy relationships, Johnson really peeled back the layers a bit further, focusing more on the inner workings of the mind of one's significant other than I had previously read about in other marriage books.