Here Speeching American: A Very Strange Guide to English as it is Garbled Around the World

by Kathryn Petras, Ross Petras

THE STRANGEST (AND FUNNIEST) TRAVEL GUIDE YOU’LL EVER READ

The celebrated authors of the perennial bestseller The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said set the typical travel guide squarely on its head–taking you from the airport to the hotel, from sightseeing to dining out–by using 100 percent real examples of fractured English as spoken and posted

• Feel like shopping?
We have no good things to sell.
–shop sign, Lovina Beach, Bali

• Feeling sick?
Are you haunted by the horribles? Do you run after your own nose?
–Japanese medical form

• Wondering what to wear?
A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.
–in a French hotel brochure

• Wondering where to eat?
Grill and Roast your clients! Open for lunch, dinner and Sunday Brunch.
–slogan of the Hibiscus restaurant in the Jakarta Hilton International


But don’t take our word for it, come see for yourself. And if that’s too much to ask, remember the sage advice from the staff of a Taipei “If there is anything we can do to assist and help you, please do not contact us.”

Genres: Nonfiction, Humor, Travel, Comedy, Language, Linguistics

240 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2004

Reviews

[Cheryl]

This lighthearted book gives the reader a look at real signs, brochures, advertising, and clothing which have been printed in “English” in other countries. Some translations are hilariously funny, but in a risqué way, others are just downright funny. If you’re looking for humor, you can’t beat this “English as it is scrambled overseas” book!
Korea: “Upon arrival at Kimo and Kimahie Airport, please Wear your Clothes”
Copenhagen, Denmark (airport): “We take your bags and send them in all directions”
Barcelona, Spain (travel agency window): “Go Away”
Davao, Philippines (ferry terminal): “Adults: 1 USD; Child: 50 cents; Cadavers: subject to negotiation
France (restaurant menu): “A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers”
Hong Kong (restaurant menu): “Fillet of Leather Jacket in a saffron cream sauce”
Dhaka, Bangladesh (cybercafé): “Comatos Computers”

[Sharyn]

Written in 2004, some very funny signs in translated English, well somewhat translated English. I hope that many countries now have better translations, but I have been to some of the countries and have actually seen some of these signs.

[Elaine Meszaros]

So enough with the serious literature already.

The Petras siblings came up with a hilarious little collection of horribly, painfully mangled attempts at English from around the world. Fans of engrish.com will recognize some of the old favorites ("No smorking!") but there is a world of doozies here:

Travel - "Lhasa Reception Centre for the Unorganized Tourist" sign in Tibet
Rules - "Foot Wearing Prohibited" Buddhist template, Burma
Road Signs - "The Slippers are Very Crafty" - China (wet roads)
Wonderful Products - "Super Soft Computerized Socks" Madras India
Food "Crap Rolls, Crap Cream Spaghetti and Crap Cream Risotto" menu items in Italy
English Guidebooks - " To craunch a marmoset. Exculpate me by your brother’s. She make the prude" English phrases from The New Guide of the Conversation in Portuguese and English
Advertising - " Before going to work, have a few lapses in the pool." Ad for a Bangkok condo

[Liz]

We have been laughing our heads off, reading bits of this out loud to each other. There are quotes from signs and other sources around the world that often don’t say QUITE what the writers must have meant, since the signs are in English, but the writers have a different native tongue. These are some of my favorites:

The manager has personally passed all the water served here. (sign in a hotel, Acapulco)

Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension. (sign in a ski hotel, Austria)

Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis. (sign in hotel, Tokyo)

Gives you strong mouth and refreshing wind! (claim on hotel toothpaste wrapper, Japan)

The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid. Turn to her straight away. (in hotel brochure, Brno, Czech Republic)

Very funny!

[William]

Garbled English from around the world. Of course it is humorous. I never expected it to have me laughing out loud at times, however, which is hard for anyone or anything to do -- so I rated this book five stars simply because it achieved occasionally the amazing.

[Shinaka]

This book almost made me pee my pants with laughter. And I have incredibly good bladder control too.

[Rossi]

This book is a riot. A quick read and so funny.

[Alyson]

Wonderously hilarious. I'll never get tired of English that is so bad, it's good. A nice quick read for a great laugh.

[Jenn]

This book was so funny, I was in tears. Definitely a LOL book.

[Cheryl]

Exactly what it seems to be. Most of the instances cited are ones where it is easy to understand what was meant or when a brand name or foreign phrase means something naughty or gross in English (the soft drink named Gag for instance). Some of the instances are complete nonsense. In some ways you would think that it has gotten better with instant options like Google Translate, but having used one to try to find words I have forgotten in a foreign language on the regular for a while, I can attest to about 15% of the time the translation is wrong -- sometimes egregiously so. It is a bit comforting that computers can still screw things up. Just like it is comforting to the largely monolingual American to see that while English is taught in most other cultures, it doesn't necessarily mean that communication is easy for them either.

[Anna]

Not really sure what to say! I did laugh out loud a good bit. But maybe this book is mildly racist as it is mostly making fun of east Asian cultures messing up English. Just wish there was more balance. But still quite a clever compilation.

[Sarah]

I had a few good snickers with this, but in many cases just saw it as mocking people who are far better at my language than I am at theirs.

[Becky S]

This is a guilty pleasure as I'm sure I'd sound as silly if I tried speaking any foreign language. But it is laugh out loud funny!!! The author's comments make it even funnier.

[Melanie]

Fun, little book.