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Before It's Too Late Lib/E: Why Some Kids Get Into Trouble--And What Parents Can Do about It
Is it “just a phase,” or could your child be headed for serious trouble?If you sense that your child is seriously troubled, you may feel bewildered, helpless, ineffective. How can you stop your child from throwing away his or her life? How can you avoid thinking that you’ve failed as a parent? In this newly revised and expanded edition of the classic guide Before It’s Too Late, clinical psychologist Stanton E. Samenow explains how to break the useless cycle of blame and take corrective action. Topics How to understand the personality of the antisocial child* How to tell the difference between a “phase” and a pattern of misbehavior* How to identify the seven common manifestations of antisocial behavior* How to cope more effectively as the parent of an older antisocial child* How to avoid the six common mistakes that prevent parents from taking action* How to step in—early and effectively—before bad behavior becomes entrenched
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First published January 1, 1989
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About the author
Stanton E. Samenow
18 books40 followersDr. Samenow received his B.A. (cum laude) from Yale University in 1963 and his Ph.D. in psychology from the University of Michigan in 1968. After working as a clinical psychologist on adolescent inpatient psychiatric services in the Ann Arbor (Michigan) area, he joined the Program for the Investigation of Criminal Behavior at St. Elizabeths Hospital in Washington, D.C. From 1970 until June, 1978, he was clinical research psychologist for that program. With the late Dr. Samuel Yochelson, he participated in the longest in-depth clinical research-treatment study of offenders that has been conducted in North America.
In 1978, Dr. Samenow entered the private practice of clinical psychology in Alexandria, Virginia. His specialty has continued to be the evaluation and treatment of juvenile and adult offenders. Dr. Samenow has delivered lectures, training seminars, and workshops in 48 states, Canada, and England. These presentations have been to a variety of professional groups including mental health, law enforcement, corrections, education, social services, and the judiciary. He has served as a consultant and expert witness for a variety of courts and agencies, including the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Dade County (Florida) Public Schools, Federal Bureau of Prisons, and the U.S. Office of Probation. In 1980, he was appointed by President Reagan to the Law Enforcement Task Force and in 1982 to the President's Task Force on Victims of Crime. In 1987, President Reagan appointed him as a Conferee to the White House Conference on a Drug-Free America.
In 1978, Dr. Samenow entered the private practice of clinical psychology in Alexandria, Virginia. His specialty has continued to be the evaluation and treatment of juvenile and adult offenders. Dr. Samenow has delivered lectures, training seminars, and workshops in 48 states, Canada, and England. These presentations have been to a variety of professional groups including mental health, law enforcement, corrections, education, social services, and the judiciary. He has served as a consultant and expert witness for a variety of courts and agencies, including the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Dade County (Florida) Public Schools, Federal Bureau of Prisons, and the U.S. Office of Probation. In 1980, he was appointed by President Reagan to the Law Enforcement Task Force and in 1982 to the President's Task Force on Victims of Crime. In 1987, President Reagan appointed him as a Conferee to the White House Conference on a Drug-Free America.
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August 10, 2009
This book was written for parents by clinical psychologist Stanton Samenow, who specializes in dealing with juvenile and adult criminals, and who earlier wrote Inside the Criminal Mind and co-authored The Criminal Personality. His message is very simple: whatever the environmental circumstances, the antisocial child is antisocial by choice—not simply because he is poor or latchkey or from a broken home or suffers from alcoholic parents or…. True, heredity and environment play a part, but Samenow points out that nobody really has a clue how these converge in a given individual, and that anyway the key to consistent antisocial behavior is a decision that the kid makes somewhere between the ages of perhaps three and ten—the decision that it’s a lot easier and definitely more exciting to do things that are forbidden and even dangerous than to toe the social line and work hard at school and home and be a “Goody Two-Shoes”—a game for suckers that will inexorably lead to the dullest of all imaginable adulthoods—the fun-killing 9 to 5. So the antisocial kid develops a pattern of deception and manipulation, treating other people not as fellow human beings for whom he has empathy but as stooges to be manipulated in the service of his own immediate pleasure—and everything is fair game for manipulation, including (especially) parental guilt over not giving him enough goodies or time or trust or freedom or...
Samenow’s emphasis on child decisions reminds me strongly of Eric Berne’s notion of the script decision: Berne thought that at some point most children make a fundamental decision about how they will live out their lives, choosing from among the known culture-scripts—scripts both social (how he will relate with other people) and occupational (how he will earn a living). Berne also felt that script decisions were influenced by which of the four underlying “existential positions” a child has adopted—1) I’m OK—You’re Ok, 2) I’m OK—You’re Not OK, 3) I’m Not OK—You’re OK, or 4) I’m Not OK—You’re Not OK.
Samenow holds that with potentially antisocial children the key to prevention is early detection. He claims that antisocial patterns appear in children as young as three. The parent’s game is to firmly and consistently redirect the kid into a more positive pattern AEAP (as early as possible), because once the antisocial pattern is grooved it is tough to reverse, and if parents dawdle they may end up with a career criminal on their hands and a ton of family grief.
Before It’s Too Late spells out the traits of the antisocial child (what to watch for), followed by what parents can do to redirect him. The author illustrates with brief case studies, mostly from his own practice, and now and then points to a relevant study. The book avoids jargon and omits heavy references to research—it is an easy but somewhat thin read. The chapter headings alone tell most of the story.
Traits of the antisocial child (chapter headings):
*“Life is a One-way Street—My Way.” “Thinking only about oneself is a hallmark of antisocial behavior.” “Doing the forbidden and striving to control others constitute the oxygen of his life.” “From the child’s perspective, the wrongness lies not in the act itself but in having been caught.”
*Shutting Off Fear. “The shut-off of fear becomes an integral part of the thought processes of antisocial boys and girls.”
*Disregard of Injury to Others. “The victim is simply an object that impedes or facilitates the offender’s doing whatever he wants.” “The antisocial youngster knows right from wrong. In his mind, however, he can cloak wrongdoing in righteousness because it is what he wants to do at the time.” “The capacity to put oneself in the place of another living creature…is the indispensable quality in the morality of man.” [Selma Fraiberg:]
*Unrealistic Expectations and Pretensions. “The antisocial youngster’s pretensions far outstrip his performance. And when the world does not cater to his every whim and confer upon him the rewards that he anticipates, he faults not himself, but other people.” “For the antisocial child, winning is all-important.” “The antisocial person expects to succeed simply because he wills it.”
*Taking the Easy Way. “The antisocial youngster drops out usually because he does not find it easy to become an overnight star.”
*Lying as a Way of Life. “He becomes adroit at telling part of the truth while convincing others that he is telling the total truth.” “Time and again, such children exploit and betray parental trust and then angrily berate their parents for not trusting them.” “For the liar, there is power in lying. By lying he keeps others in the dark and thereby believes he has gained the upper hand.” “The antisocial youngster does not regard himself as a liar, and is likely to express outrage when referred to as such.”
*“It’s Not My Fault.” “Children and adults who are antisocial seem to have almost unlimited excuses for their own misconduct. In faulting others, they present themselves as victims.”
*Refusing to be Held Accountable. Self-explanatory.
*An Island Unto Himself. “He revels in the belief that no one really knows him, and this belief enhances his view of himself as special, even unique.” “The person who is antisocial does not think he has much in common with anyone, at least inwardly. He divorces his life from that of others and believes he has little to learn from them….So far as he is concerned, he is uniquely above the day-to-day troubles of most human beings.” “To him cooperation is a form of subordination.” “Rarely is he willing to be encumbered by a relationship unless he can dictate the terms.”
Parental errors and how to overcome them (chapter headings):
*Denial. This concerns parents denying in various ways that their child has a serious problem—“It’s just a phase,” etc.
*Taking the Easy Way Out—Parental Failure to be Firm and Consistent and Exercise Leverage. “The parent who says yes when he needs to be firm and say no is also taking the easy way out.” “From an early age, [antisocial children:] perceive leniency as a sign that the parent is weak and exploitable.” “Although permissiveness may occur as a result of indifference or neglect, more often it results from a parent’s misjudging the maturity or character of his child.” “Parents have to identify what matters to their child and use that knowledge to gain his attention. They must determine how they can have power or leverage.” “Appeasement buys peace only temporarily.”
*Failure to Demand Accountability and Trustworthiness. If necessary, parents should keep a log to make accountability specific.
*Permitting the Child to Divide and Conquer. “The child who becomes antisocial counts on his parents to disagree about decisions involving him.” “A child like Doug experiences a sense of triumph whenever parental strife overshadows attention to his misbehavior.” “Because the mom and dad increasingly focus on the antisocial youngster, the more responsible children often find their needs unmet.” “The child, who rarely considers the feelings of others, becomes such an astute observer of his parents, brothers and sisters that in ways hard to believe he masterfully manipulates this behavior and virtually runs the household.”
*Treating the Child as Victim—Excuses, Excuses “The youngster who becomes antisocial habitually turns around any incriminating situations so as to contend that he is the recipient of unfair treatment.”
*“It Must Be My Fault.” “Psychological blackmail might be considered the specialty of the antisocial child.” “We can love, teach, encourage, restrain, praise, and punish, but we cannot make choices for our children. That is up to them.” “Many human beings turn out well despite their parents, not because of them. We don’t hear or read about these boys and girls.”
*The Futility of Continuing to Ask “Why?” “The critical question is, How does a child deal with either his genetic background, if that is involved, or his environment?” “In day-to-day interaction with the antisocial child, delving into the why of his behavior provides him with more excuses.”
I like the basic message of this book as an antidote to the Age of the Victim, in which everybody has an armory of excuses covering every conceivable lapse of personal judgment and responsibility. Also, I suspect there’s a lot of truth in Samenow’s thesis that signs of the antisocial personality usually show up quite early in childhood, and that unless promptly redirected such kids are likely to opt for the lazy thrilling life of instant-gratification-at-any-cost. Better to decide well early in life than to have to redecide later (“Pay me now or pay me a lot more later”), although of course people are capable of redeciding at any age and for any reason—and many do.
Samenow’s emphasis on child decisions reminds me strongly of Eric Berne’s notion of the script decision: Berne thought that at some point most children make a fundamental decision about how they will live out their lives, choosing from among the known culture-scripts—scripts both social (how he will relate with other people) and occupational (how he will earn a living). Berne also felt that script decisions were influenced by which of the four underlying “existential positions” a child has adopted—1) I’m OK—You’re Ok, 2) I’m OK—You’re Not OK, 3) I’m Not OK—You’re OK, or 4) I’m Not OK—You’re Not OK.
Samenow holds that with potentially antisocial children the key to prevention is early detection. He claims that antisocial patterns appear in children as young as three. The parent’s game is to firmly and consistently redirect the kid into a more positive pattern AEAP (as early as possible), because once the antisocial pattern is grooved it is tough to reverse, and if parents dawdle they may end up with a career criminal on their hands and a ton of family grief.
Before It’s Too Late spells out the traits of the antisocial child (what to watch for), followed by what parents can do to redirect him. The author illustrates with brief case studies, mostly from his own practice, and now and then points to a relevant study. The book avoids jargon and omits heavy references to research—it is an easy but somewhat thin read. The chapter headings alone tell most of the story.
Traits of the antisocial child (chapter headings):
*“Life is a One-way Street—My Way.” “Thinking only about oneself is a hallmark of antisocial behavior.” “Doing the forbidden and striving to control others constitute the oxygen of his life.” “From the child’s perspective, the wrongness lies not in the act itself but in having been caught.”
*Shutting Off Fear. “The shut-off of fear becomes an integral part of the thought processes of antisocial boys and girls.”
*Disregard of Injury to Others. “The victim is simply an object that impedes or facilitates the offender’s doing whatever he wants.” “The antisocial youngster knows right from wrong. In his mind, however, he can cloak wrongdoing in righteousness because it is what he wants to do at the time.” “The capacity to put oneself in the place of another living creature…is the indispensable quality in the morality of man.” [Selma Fraiberg:]
*Unrealistic Expectations and Pretensions. “The antisocial youngster’s pretensions far outstrip his performance. And when the world does not cater to his every whim and confer upon him the rewards that he anticipates, he faults not himself, but other people.” “For the antisocial child, winning is all-important.” “The antisocial person expects to succeed simply because he wills it.”
*Taking the Easy Way. “The antisocial youngster drops out usually because he does not find it easy to become an overnight star.”
*Lying as a Way of Life. “He becomes adroit at telling part of the truth while convincing others that he is telling the total truth.” “Time and again, such children exploit and betray parental trust and then angrily berate their parents for not trusting them.” “For the liar, there is power in lying. By lying he keeps others in the dark and thereby believes he has gained the upper hand.” “The antisocial youngster does not regard himself as a liar, and is likely to express outrage when referred to as such.”
*“It’s Not My Fault.” “Children and adults who are antisocial seem to have almost unlimited excuses for their own misconduct. In faulting others, they present themselves as victims.”
*Refusing to be Held Accountable. Self-explanatory.
*An Island Unto Himself. “He revels in the belief that no one really knows him, and this belief enhances his view of himself as special, even unique.” “The person who is antisocial does not think he has much in common with anyone, at least inwardly. He divorces his life from that of others and believes he has little to learn from them….So far as he is concerned, he is uniquely above the day-to-day troubles of most human beings.” “To him cooperation is a form of subordination.” “Rarely is he willing to be encumbered by a relationship unless he can dictate the terms.”
Parental errors and how to overcome them (chapter headings):
*Denial. This concerns parents denying in various ways that their child has a serious problem—“It’s just a phase,” etc.
*Taking the Easy Way Out—Parental Failure to be Firm and Consistent and Exercise Leverage. “The parent who says yes when he needs to be firm and say no is also taking the easy way out.” “From an early age, [antisocial children:] perceive leniency as a sign that the parent is weak and exploitable.” “Although permissiveness may occur as a result of indifference or neglect, more often it results from a parent’s misjudging the maturity or character of his child.” “Parents have to identify what matters to their child and use that knowledge to gain his attention. They must determine how they can have power or leverage.” “Appeasement buys peace only temporarily.”
*Failure to Demand Accountability and Trustworthiness. If necessary, parents should keep a log to make accountability specific.
*Permitting the Child to Divide and Conquer. “The child who becomes antisocial counts on his parents to disagree about decisions involving him.” “A child like Doug experiences a sense of triumph whenever parental strife overshadows attention to his misbehavior.” “Because the mom and dad increasingly focus on the antisocial youngster, the more responsible children often find their needs unmet.” “The child, who rarely considers the feelings of others, becomes such an astute observer of his parents, brothers and sisters that in ways hard to believe he masterfully manipulates this behavior and virtually runs the household.”
*Treating the Child as Victim—Excuses, Excuses “The youngster who becomes antisocial habitually turns around any incriminating situations so as to contend that he is the recipient of unfair treatment.”
*“It Must Be My Fault.” “Psychological blackmail might be considered the specialty of the antisocial child.” “We can love, teach, encourage, restrain, praise, and punish, but we cannot make choices for our children. That is up to them.” “Many human beings turn out well despite their parents, not because of them. We don’t hear or read about these boys and girls.”
*The Futility of Continuing to Ask “Why?” “The critical question is, How does a child deal with either his genetic background, if that is involved, or his environment?” “In day-to-day interaction with the antisocial child, delving into the why of his behavior provides him with more excuses.”
I like the basic message of this book as an antidote to the Age of the Victim, in which everybody has an armory of excuses covering every conceivable lapse of personal judgment and responsibility. Also, I suspect there’s a lot of truth in Samenow’s thesis that signs of the antisocial personality usually show up quite early in childhood, and that unless promptly redirected such kids are likely to opt for the lazy thrilling life of instant-gratification-at-any-cost. Better to decide well early in life than to have to redecide later (“Pay me now or pay me a lot more later”), although of course people are capable of redeciding at any age and for any reason—and many do.
September 25, 2024
I loved it for its objectivity and common sense regarding kids whose bad behavior is more extreme than average. But it doesn’t propose many solutions.
When kids are bad, people tend to blame the parents for being abusive, neglectful, unloving, or setting a bad example that the children imitate. But this was not true of most of the parents who came to the author (a clinical psychologist) for help with their children, and their other children turned out fine despite growing up in the same environment (ix, 7, 15, 19, 48, 103). “Many of these mothers and fathers have declared that they would make virtually any sacrifice to help their child become self-disciplined, constructive, and happy” (x). The parents feel a lot of guilt, and sometimes the children make them feel guilty on purpose in order to get away with more bad behavior (13). Antisocial teenagers/adults “blame their parents for their own behavior, no matter what the parental approach to child rearing was. If the parent was strict, he is accused of being overly punitive and harsh. If he was permissive, he is charged with having no backbone. If he was ‘democratic’ in his child-rearing practices, he is seen as indifferent” (194).
Parents can only do so much. Ultimately the child still has free will whether to make responsible choices (8). “The child is not a passive receptacle” (14). “The environment from which a person comes is less crucial than the choice the individual makes as he responds to that environment” (18). Temperament/personality is inborn (198). “Yes, certainly the offspring of inadequate, uncaring, and abusive parents are likely to suffer. But by no means does it follow that all will become criminals. . . . Many human beings will turn out well despite their parents, not because of them” (198).
Symptoms of the antisocial youth who tends to become an adult criminal:
Angry (41, 65), stubborn (48), mean (132), manipulative (172).
As babies, they may be restless, irritable, active, fitful, and won’t have much regard for others (138).
Early interest in sex or rape (60).
Finds being good to be boring (187, 188).
They get a thrill out of doing bad things and tricking people (13, 31, 72, 80, 196).
High self-esteem and confidence (28, 65, 69).
Sadistic and selfish; no empathy for others (51, 52, 116, 119).
Feels no remorse (32).
Seeks power (28) and attention (48).
Insists on having things his way (42).
Often lies, steals, vandalizes, and is violent (40, 60, 97).
Knows right from wrong but chooses to do wrong (30, 57, 95).
Wants to win at everything tried and will not bother otherwise (42, 67, 68, 76, 78, 203).
Won’t bother with anything that takes effort (77, 80, 81, 117).
Often they are very smart but may choose not to do schoolwork because it’s boring (73, 77).
If they do do well in school or work, it’s only a front to hide their bad behavior (31, 120, 121).
Pleasant and cooperative only if things are going their way (131).
May be very social but tries not to let anyone really know him (28, 112).
Uses people and isn’t loyal to anyone (29, 115, 117, 118).
“Ready to be the gallant knight to come to the rescue, the hero in any situation, but rarely is he willing to be encumbered by a relationship unless he can dictate the terms” (117).
Plans when it comes to getting away with bad behavior but doesn’t plan when it comes to responsible choices (30).
Blames anyone but himself for his problems/failures (29, 41, 58, 101, 120).
Denies or minimizes the seriousness of what s/he has done (96).
They often complain that their parents don’t trust them, but the lack of trust is only because the child has proven untrustworthy (16, 93, 154).
Symptoms can be seen as early as the pre-school years (13). You should be concerned if your child hasn’t stopped stealing by age six, or if your 6-12 year old steals every 3 or 4 months or more (126). “Aggression at age eight is the best predictor of aggression at age 19, irrespective of IQ, social class, or parents’ aggressiveness” (35).
Sounds like the ESTP personality. Of course, not every ESTP is going to be antisocial. Which is why things like kindness and self-esteem need to be part of a good typology system.
“There is no evidence that a learning disability drives people to commit crimes. . . . In most of the cases I have evaluated, no genuine learning disability is present. The youthful (or adult) offender is illiterate simply because he did not want to take the time and develop the patience necessary to concentrate on learning” (84). “I have seen innumerable cases where a child who does not want to do something is excused because he is thought to suffer from a handicap or condition that is not his fault. Many children who are antisocial have been misdiagnosed as hyperactive” (182). A kid doesn’t have AD(H)D if they’re able to focus on fun activities such as TV or games (182).
“The prevalent view is that people use illegal drugs to escape their problems, but I have interviewed dozens of individuals for whom things are going well. They have devoted families, remunerative jobs, good health, and plenty of leisure. These people turn to drugs because they do not accept life as it is” (85).
Solutions were few and far between, but here they are:
Keep a log/diary of your child’s behavior so that you don’t forget what they’ve done and can look back later to see if there has been a pattern of bad behavior (147)
Don’t give in to whatever your kid wants. Don’t make excuses for their bad behavior (130).
Set limits and punish (130).
Admonish in a low voice, with no emotion (133).
Be consistent, firm, strict, and loving (136, 146, 205).
Explore errors of thinking that give rise to irresponsible conduct; teach the child to deter criminal thinking (203).
Don’t give up on your child (158).
Have a structured home environment (204).
Both parents should work together and be on the same page with the plan (168).
You’ll get better results the earlier you start, but you trying is better than doing nothing at all (146).
Tell the child that “he has destroyed whatever trust existed. If necessary, [the parent] must review the litany of incidents that have eradicated the trust and not allow the child to pick apart and dispute each one. The parent must then indicate that with a trust rating of zero, the child will have to prove by his behavior that he deserves to be trusted again. Because the child has demonstrated his untrustworthiness, he is to be restricted and will have to EARN the easing of those restrictions over time. The parent must decide what restrictions are warranted and what privileges should be withdrawn. Parents should attempt to be explicit so as not to be vulnerable later to charges of being vague or arbitrary. Moreover, one-time follow-through is not, in and of itself, grounds for concluding that the child is now trustworthy. New PATTERNS must be established” (156).
When your child behaves better, express recognition and appreciation. Emphasize how the new behavior differs from the old pattern. Tell him you hope he’ll make a habit of the new behavior. In your own mind, be neither optimistic nor pessimistic (157).
Things that don’t work:
Providing more recreational facilities/activities. “Most of the delinquents whom I have interviewed during the last ten years had abundant recreational opportunities. But having these resources did not change what they sought from life or how they conducted themselves in the world” (189).
Giving the kid more freedom. “Parents who equate leniency with love often have unceasing difficulty controlling their children. Life holds consequences for irresponsible and destructive behavior. What could be more loving than to help a child learn this early, when penalties for misbehavior are far less severe than they will be later in life?” (146)
Permissive parenting can make some kids spoiled and difficult, others insecure and feeling unloved, but not every child raised permissively turned out antisocial (136). “Permissiveness does not ‘cause’ antisocial behavior. Different children make difference choices in reaction to whatever the environment is. I recall once visiting a relatively permissive open classroom setting where children were independently involved in a variety of individual and group activities, while the teacher worked with one cluster of pupils. Some youngsters were self-disciplined and focussed intently on the task at hand. When they completed one assignment, they went on to the next and did not appear distracted by the noise and bustle around them. A few children left their seats and for no evident reason, agitated classmates, wandered into the halls, and engaged in horseplay until a teacher reprimanded them. Such exploitation of freedom by the antisocial child is in stark contrast to the responsible use of freedom by most children. Although permissiveness may occur as a result of indifference or neglect, more often it results from a parent’s misjudging the maturity or character of his child. Precisely because the parent believes that his offspring should learn to become responsible for his own behavior, he grants him more freedom than the child is prepared to handle” (139-140). “Some children seem to be responsible no matter how little their parents are involved in their lives. The antisocial youngster’s personality is such that his parents hav eto be in close touch with his activities virtually all the time. He prefers that they stay out of his life, but that is all the more reason that the parent must remain involved” (142).
Juvenile hall. Putting kids into juvenile correctional facilities has little impact on them (12). Placing them in a school for bad behaving kids only gives the children more peers like themselves to get into trouble with (168).
When adult inmates were asked to brainstorm responses to improving schools to eliminate delinquency and crime, their answers included: more field trips, more fun, less competition, let kids teach and have autonomy and design their own classrooms, let kids win at what they do, let kids come when they want, redefine delinquency, and don’t teach kids (83). Funny because a lot of this criminal wishlist has been implemented into modern schools and is advised in books like “Discipline Options” by Richardson. But it sure hasn’t reduced crime! Positive discipline books say to not discipline your kids, otherwise they won’t develop self-discipline. This book says the opposite: The child “who receives little discipline may find it difficult to become self-disciplined” (139). “I have known parents whom counselors accused of being too restrictive, of not ‘letting go’ so that their child could achieve independence commensurate with his age. When the parents had followed the suggestion to loosen the reins, the child became embroiled in more trouble” (184). On the first day of school, a nine-year-old boy decided his teacher was soft and predicted to his mom that lots of kids would get away with lots of stuff. This boy stole more than usual from his classmates and from the teacher too (95).
I only disagreed with the author on one thing:
The author thinks that the confidence and self-esteem antisocial kids feel is not real, because it isn’t based on real achievement. I disagree because I think how someone feels about themself is completely separate from what they can do. A great artist can feel that their art is worthless, and a bad artist can feel that their art is a masterpiece.
When kids are bad, people tend to blame the parents for being abusive, neglectful, unloving, or setting a bad example that the children imitate. But this was not true of most of the parents who came to the author (a clinical psychologist) for help with their children, and their other children turned out fine despite growing up in the same environment (ix, 7, 15, 19, 48, 103). “Many of these mothers and fathers have declared that they would make virtually any sacrifice to help their child become self-disciplined, constructive, and happy” (x). The parents feel a lot of guilt, and sometimes the children make them feel guilty on purpose in order to get away with more bad behavior (13). Antisocial teenagers/adults “blame their parents for their own behavior, no matter what the parental approach to child rearing was. If the parent was strict, he is accused of being overly punitive and harsh. If he was permissive, he is charged with having no backbone. If he was ‘democratic’ in his child-rearing practices, he is seen as indifferent” (194).
Parents can only do so much. Ultimately the child still has free will whether to make responsible choices (8). “The child is not a passive receptacle” (14). “The environment from which a person comes is less crucial than the choice the individual makes as he responds to that environment” (18). Temperament/personality is inborn (198). “Yes, certainly the offspring of inadequate, uncaring, and abusive parents are likely to suffer. But by no means does it follow that all will become criminals. . . . Many human beings will turn out well despite their parents, not because of them” (198).
Symptoms of the antisocial youth who tends to become an adult criminal:
Angry (41, 65), stubborn (48), mean (132), manipulative (172).
As babies, they may be restless, irritable, active, fitful, and won’t have much regard for others (138).
Early interest in sex or rape (60).
Finds being good to be boring (187, 188).
They get a thrill out of doing bad things and tricking people (13, 31, 72, 80, 196).
High self-esteem and confidence (28, 65, 69).
Sadistic and selfish; no empathy for others (51, 52, 116, 119).
Feels no remorse (32).
Seeks power (28) and attention (48).
Insists on having things his way (42).
Often lies, steals, vandalizes, and is violent (40, 60, 97).
Knows right from wrong but chooses to do wrong (30, 57, 95).
Wants to win at everything tried and will not bother otherwise (42, 67, 68, 76, 78, 203).
Won’t bother with anything that takes effort (77, 80, 81, 117).
Often they are very smart but may choose not to do schoolwork because it’s boring (73, 77).
If they do do well in school or work, it’s only a front to hide their bad behavior (31, 120, 121).
Pleasant and cooperative only if things are going their way (131).
May be very social but tries not to let anyone really know him (28, 112).
Uses people and isn’t loyal to anyone (29, 115, 117, 118).
“Ready to be the gallant knight to come to the rescue, the hero in any situation, but rarely is he willing to be encumbered by a relationship unless he can dictate the terms” (117).
Plans when it comes to getting away with bad behavior but doesn’t plan when it comes to responsible choices (30).
Blames anyone but himself for his problems/failures (29, 41, 58, 101, 120).
Denies or minimizes the seriousness of what s/he has done (96).
They often complain that their parents don’t trust them, but the lack of trust is only because the child has proven untrustworthy (16, 93, 154).
Symptoms can be seen as early as the pre-school years (13). You should be concerned if your child hasn’t stopped stealing by age six, or if your 6-12 year old steals every 3 or 4 months or more (126). “Aggression at age eight is the best predictor of aggression at age 19, irrespective of IQ, social class, or parents’ aggressiveness” (35).
Sounds like the ESTP personality. Of course, not every ESTP is going to be antisocial. Which is why things like kindness and self-esteem need to be part of a good typology system.
“There is no evidence that a learning disability drives people to commit crimes. . . . In most of the cases I have evaluated, no genuine learning disability is present. The youthful (or adult) offender is illiterate simply because he did not want to take the time and develop the patience necessary to concentrate on learning” (84). “I have seen innumerable cases where a child who does not want to do something is excused because he is thought to suffer from a handicap or condition that is not his fault. Many children who are antisocial have been misdiagnosed as hyperactive” (182). A kid doesn’t have AD(H)D if they’re able to focus on fun activities such as TV or games (182).
“The prevalent view is that people use illegal drugs to escape their problems, but I have interviewed dozens of individuals for whom things are going well. They have devoted families, remunerative jobs, good health, and plenty of leisure. These people turn to drugs because they do not accept life as it is” (85).
Solutions were few and far between, but here they are:
Keep a log/diary of your child’s behavior so that you don’t forget what they’ve done and can look back later to see if there has been a pattern of bad behavior (147)
Don’t give in to whatever your kid wants. Don’t make excuses for their bad behavior (130).
Set limits and punish (130).
Admonish in a low voice, with no emotion (133).
Be consistent, firm, strict, and loving (136, 146, 205).
Explore errors of thinking that give rise to irresponsible conduct; teach the child to deter criminal thinking (203).
Don’t give up on your child (158).
Have a structured home environment (204).
Both parents should work together and be on the same page with the plan (168).
You’ll get better results the earlier you start, but you trying is better than doing nothing at all (146).
Tell the child that “he has destroyed whatever trust existed. If necessary, [the parent] must review the litany of incidents that have eradicated the trust and not allow the child to pick apart and dispute each one. The parent must then indicate that with a trust rating of zero, the child will have to prove by his behavior that he deserves to be trusted again. Because the child has demonstrated his untrustworthiness, he is to be restricted and will have to EARN the easing of those restrictions over time. The parent must decide what restrictions are warranted and what privileges should be withdrawn. Parents should attempt to be explicit so as not to be vulnerable later to charges of being vague or arbitrary. Moreover, one-time follow-through is not, in and of itself, grounds for concluding that the child is now trustworthy. New PATTERNS must be established” (156).
When your child behaves better, express recognition and appreciation. Emphasize how the new behavior differs from the old pattern. Tell him you hope he’ll make a habit of the new behavior. In your own mind, be neither optimistic nor pessimistic (157).
Things that don’t work:
Providing more recreational facilities/activities. “Most of the delinquents whom I have interviewed during the last ten years had abundant recreational opportunities. But having these resources did not change what they sought from life or how they conducted themselves in the world” (189).
Giving the kid more freedom. “Parents who equate leniency with love often have unceasing difficulty controlling their children. Life holds consequences for irresponsible and destructive behavior. What could be more loving than to help a child learn this early, when penalties for misbehavior are far less severe than they will be later in life?” (146)
Permissive parenting can make some kids spoiled and difficult, others insecure and feeling unloved, but not every child raised permissively turned out antisocial (136). “Permissiveness does not ‘cause’ antisocial behavior. Different children make difference choices in reaction to whatever the environment is. I recall once visiting a relatively permissive open classroom setting where children were independently involved in a variety of individual and group activities, while the teacher worked with one cluster of pupils. Some youngsters were self-disciplined and focussed intently on the task at hand. When they completed one assignment, they went on to the next and did not appear distracted by the noise and bustle around them. A few children left their seats and for no evident reason, agitated classmates, wandered into the halls, and engaged in horseplay until a teacher reprimanded them. Such exploitation of freedom by the antisocial child is in stark contrast to the responsible use of freedom by most children. Although permissiveness may occur as a result of indifference or neglect, more often it results from a parent’s misjudging the maturity or character of his child. Precisely because the parent believes that his offspring should learn to become responsible for his own behavior, he grants him more freedom than the child is prepared to handle” (139-140). “Some children seem to be responsible no matter how little their parents are involved in their lives. The antisocial youngster’s personality is such that his parents hav eto be in close touch with his activities virtually all the time. He prefers that they stay out of his life, but that is all the more reason that the parent must remain involved” (142).
Juvenile hall. Putting kids into juvenile correctional facilities has little impact on them (12). Placing them in a school for bad behaving kids only gives the children more peers like themselves to get into trouble with (168).
When adult inmates were asked to brainstorm responses to improving schools to eliminate delinquency and crime, their answers included: more field trips, more fun, less competition, let kids teach and have autonomy and design their own classrooms, let kids win at what they do, let kids come when they want, redefine delinquency, and don’t teach kids (83). Funny because a lot of this criminal wishlist has been implemented into modern schools and is advised in books like “Discipline Options” by Richardson. But it sure hasn’t reduced crime! Positive discipline books say to not discipline your kids, otherwise they won’t develop self-discipline. This book says the opposite: The child “who receives little discipline may find it difficult to become self-disciplined” (139). “I have known parents whom counselors accused of being too restrictive, of not ‘letting go’ so that their child could achieve independence commensurate with his age. When the parents had followed the suggestion to loosen the reins, the child became embroiled in more trouble” (184). On the first day of school, a nine-year-old boy decided his teacher was soft and predicted to his mom that lots of kids would get away with lots of stuff. This boy stole more than usual from his classmates and from the teacher too (95).
I only disagreed with the author on one thing:
The author thinks that the confidence and self-esteem antisocial kids feel is not real, because it isn’t based on real achievement. I disagree because I think how someone feels about themself is completely separate from what they can do. A great artist can feel that their art is worthless, and a bad artist can feel that their art is a masterpiece.
August 4, 2012
This book saved our family. Our son had been in residential treatment for a long time. It was because of this book that he has now been home for a year!
July 12, 2024
This is an excellent book for parents of children with conduct disorder, or even oppositional defiance disorder. The author offers a reasonable theory of emerging criminality and some parental remedies rooted in consistency, parental cooperation, and discipline. Although the author situates his recommendations in influential theories of human development, he unfortunately does not (in this book at least) reference almost any specific research studies. Still, this is one of the most practical guides available to parents of children with conduct disorder.
February 16, 2010
This is a really good book for parents of kids who display criminal thinking. It can really be helpful if your kids are younger and not too entrenched - to help you to help them and also help you to realize that kids make choices and kids that commit crimes are not necessarily a product of bad parenting.
December 25, 2017
The book is accurate and provides insight into troubled children’s thinking and actions. He kept wanting to not blame the parents, but all of the interventions he highlights are things parents ought to be doing even if their child doesn’t display anti-social behavior. While I agree that not all childhood trouble is parents’ fault, the placement of responsibility for amending the issue on the parent sort of undermines that message. Of course, the author regularly reminds us that the kids must make decisions. True.
I felt the book spent too much time giving examples of antisocial behavior and did not provide enough detail for what parent might actually do. While the guiding principles (e.g. set boundaries and enforce them, create consequences and stick to them) make sense, I wonder if some parents might be untie how to put such principles into practice.
Overall, a good read for parents and teachers, but you’ll perhaps hear too many examples of kids and not enough examples of what to do. You may get some good ideas by thinking about how the principles might work for you.
I felt the book spent too much time giving examples of antisocial behavior and did not provide enough detail for what parent might actually do. While the guiding principles (e.g. set boundaries and enforce them, create consequences and stick to them) make sense, I wonder if some parents might be untie how to put such principles into practice.
Overall, a good read for parents and teachers, but you’ll perhaps hear too many examples of kids and not enough examples of what to do. You may get some good ideas by thinking about how the principles might work for you.
September 30, 2021
This is a conveniently curated scientism based view written by a very motivated person. If society were governed by ideas he rejects he'd have been infinitely more sophisticated in what he wrote. On the issues of conflict and cooperation: he's basically a better ideologically positioned lolbert, strategically speaking
I'd also like to point out that it's very convenient that he doesn't point out that his side of politics has all of the thinking of criminals. Somehow he doesn't mention that. Somehow.
I'd also like to point out that it's very convenient that he doesn't point out that his side of politics has all of the thinking of criminals. Somehow he doesn't mention that. Somehow.
September 25, 2018
good book. Informative. Gives clues on what to look for and how to combat against some manipulative behaviors and being authoritative.
August 3, 2024
helpful clinical review of antisocial and other related disorders-etiology, treatment, and what to look for. would be helpful for parents to review or as reference book for clinicians.
March 22, 2018
I kind of begged my fiancé to buy this for us on our kindles because we have been suffering through trying to parent his incredibly difficult daughter with no positive results.
This review will surely be a long one, but I can't write it without telling our story.
I'd first become acquainted with Dr Samenow when I'd been gifted «Inside the Criminal Mind» by my brother, who had read it for his Criminal Justice programme in college. (I'm very interested in the topic, also, I'm just without the funds or resources to take it myself, so passing along books and recommendations is sort of my attempt to live vicariously.) As I was reading the book - which challenges so, so many social stereotypes of crime and criminals - I early on was struck by the similarity between the subjects within and my fiancé's daughter's behaviour (not something I'd expected). After years of therapy and psychiatry, she'd been diagnosed with ODD and pseudo-bipolar disorder (basically, she's got the child version of anti-social personality disorder, though it's typically not officially diagnosed in children), and that book was putting that into perspective.
She was sent to live with her grandmother starting with the school's Spring Break and ending in August, just before the start of this current school year, as she'd become too dangerous and impossible to live with. After I'd finished reading «Inside the Criminal Mind», I'd immediately sought out other titles by the author, and that's how I came upon this one.
It was immediately clear, due to the descriptions of behaviour and the child's age, that we were dealing with an «After» - the culmination of such horrible behaviour having been allowed to proliferate mostly unchecked for years before I even came along.
Despite Day Treatment programmes, repeated police intervention, regular individual and family therapy, psychiatric evaluations and appointments, trials with medication and then abstaining from it altogether*, rewards systems, sticker charts, family meetings,...etc, etc, the ONLY change we ever witnessed was further decline: Less concern for others, more violence, more attitude and threats, etc.
«Before It's Too Late», as other reviews have mentioned, doesn't offer quite so much in terms of solutions as it does explanations and warnings - but what wonders it did for our family! though not the sort which might be expected.
My fiancé, a wonderful person in many ways, unfortunately had a very difficult time disciplining and coming to terms with the reality of the situation. He continued to try to approach this as I suspect many parents do: With any and all attempts to reason with the child, giving him or her the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to place the blame where it belongs, and with forgoing discipline in an interest to win the child's favour (all of which unfortunately enabled and contributed to the problem).
This book was the -only-thing which got him to see the situation for what it was, to accept the limitations we faced, and to finally recognise the behaviour as manipulative and intentional (instead of a case of 'not knowing any better'). It taught him what was and was NOT his responsibility, and it made him a much better parent to both of his children. If for no other reason, that makes this a very worthwhile read.
Upon his daughter's return, he was -finally- able to discipline, to set boundaries, and to be consistent. He didn't allow things to get by him any longer, and as a result, his son began to respect his father again.
The daughter continued to push limits until she ultimately tried beating up her father (fortunately, she's extremely weak so didn't actually hurt him, but she certainly tried). We ended up requesting she be put into foster care, and there she remains.
For the rest of us (which, in addition to my fiancé and I, includes his son, aged 15; a cat, whom the daughter repeatedly abused; and a dog we brought to the home for my own peace of mind), things have improved dramatically. We can finally relax again, and our emotional health has become much stronger.
I'm the sort to not give up on others; my personal MO is to endure far more than most in every effort to fix a situation, often at the expense of my own well-being and safety.
Unfortunately, this experience taught me that some people truly are incapable of change - and some people really do just want to hurt others. Sometimes, the only solution is to get away from the person.
That's the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn.
Having said that, without this book, I guarantee our suffering would have continued until it was too late - for the rest of us.
_____
*There was absolutely no change in behaviour between being medicated and non-medicated, so we eventually pulled everything but her ADHD pills (including anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers).
This review will surely be a long one, but I can't write it without telling our story.
I'd first become acquainted with Dr Samenow when I'd been gifted «Inside the Criminal Mind» by my brother, who had read it for his Criminal Justice programme in college. (I'm very interested in the topic, also, I'm just without the funds or resources to take it myself, so passing along books and recommendations is sort of my attempt to live vicariously.) As I was reading the book - which challenges so, so many social stereotypes of crime and criminals - I early on was struck by the similarity between the subjects within and my fiancé's daughter's behaviour (not something I'd expected). After years of therapy and psychiatry, she'd been diagnosed with ODD and pseudo-bipolar disorder (basically, she's got the child version of anti-social personality disorder, though it's typically not officially diagnosed in children), and that book was putting that into perspective.
She was sent to live with her grandmother starting with the school's Spring Break and ending in August, just before the start of this current school year, as she'd become too dangerous and impossible to live with. After I'd finished reading «Inside the Criminal Mind», I'd immediately sought out other titles by the author, and that's how I came upon this one.
It was immediately clear, due to the descriptions of behaviour and the child's age, that we were dealing with an «After» - the culmination of such horrible behaviour having been allowed to proliferate mostly unchecked for years before I even came along.
Despite Day Treatment programmes, repeated police intervention, regular individual and family therapy, psychiatric evaluations and appointments, trials with medication and then abstaining from it altogether*, rewards systems, sticker charts, family meetings,...etc, etc, the ONLY change we ever witnessed was further decline: Less concern for others, more violence, more attitude and threats, etc.
«Before It's Too Late», as other reviews have mentioned, doesn't offer quite so much in terms of solutions as it does explanations and warnings - but what wonders it did for our family! though not the sort which might be expected.
My fiancé, a wonderful person in many ways, unfortunately had a very difficult time disciplining and coming to terms with the reality of the situation. He continued to try to approach this as I suspect many parents do: With any and all attempts to reason with the child, giving him or her the benefit of the doubt, not wanting to place the blame where it belongs, and with forgoing discipline in an interest to win the child's favour (all of which unfortunately enabled and contributed to the problem).
This book was the -only-thing which got him to see the situation for what it was, to accept the limitations we faced, and to finally recognise the behaviour as manipulative and intentional (instead of a case of 'not knowing any better'). It taught him what was and was NOT his responsibility, and it made him a much better parent to both of his children. If for no other reason, that makes this a very worthwhile read.
Upon his daughter's return, he was -finally- able to discipline, to set boundaries, and to be consistent. He didn't allow things to get by him any longer, and as a result, his son began to respect his father again.
The daughter continued to push limits until she ultimately tried beating up her father (fortunately, she's extremely weak so didn't actually hurt him, but she certainly tried). We ended up requesting she be put into foster care, and there she remains.
For the rest of us (which, in addition to my fiancé and I, includes his son, aged 15; a cat, whom the daughter repeatedly abused; and a dog we brought to the home for my own peace of mind), things have improved dramatically. We can finally relax again, and our emotional health has become much stronger.
I'm the sort to not give up on others; my personal MO is to endure far more than most in every effort to fix a situation, often at the expense of my own well-being and safety.
Unfortunately, this experience taught me that some people truly are incapable of change - and some people really do just want to hurt others. Sometimes, the only solution is to get away from the person.
That's the hardest lesson I've ever had to learn.
Having said that, without this book, I guarantee our suffering would have continued until it was too late - for the rest of us.
_____
*There was absolutely no change in behaviour between being medicated and non-medicated, so we eventually pulled everything but her ADHD pills (including anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers).
June 15, 2007
Excellent presentation of how parents can work with their children who are tending to get themselves into trouble.
August 10, 2010
Some great information that I need to help me raise my boy who is too smart for his own good.
June 26, 2012
Interesting premise, and did give me some food for thought on something I'm dealing with. Not sure I totally agree with him, though.
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