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304 pages, Paperback
Published October 17, 2022
Rather enthusiastically I grabbed ‘The sex book – a joyful journey of self-discovery’ by Leeza Mangaldas, because it was written by a young Indian woman and stereotypically a woman of Asian origin writing a book like this is never heard of.
All my carrier, I have worked in reproductive health and Gynaecology, and I do have some training and firsthand experience on this subject. The lack of reliable sources to educate the public on the physiology of human sexuality and reluctance of the Asian communities to talk on this topic openly has led to an unmet need of sexual education of modern youth.
“Studies globally have shown that people who can talk to a parent, teacher or caregiver about sex are more likely to delay having sex and less likely to make choices that put their own or another’s health and safety at risk.”
So, at the onset itself, I must congratulate Leeza on a praiseworthy first step to bridge this gap. Although I am not going to label this book as a Bible on sexual education, it is thorough, and Leeza has made some commendable efforts to cover almost all the bases. Anybody willing to explore the subject and willing to hear what an Indian sex therapist has to say, do not hesitate to grab this book, and read.
But reader discretion is advised because it fails to be a fully unbiased narrative and basically the book is sort of like a memoir of the author’s personal exploration and experience of human sexuality. And rather unfortunately, ultimately you feel as if the author is trying to say, ‘a vibrator is better than a man.’ She again and again emphasizes that a vibrator or a sex toy would only enhance the relationship by bringing pleasure to both while eliminating the stress. But ultimately the joy of growing together in a relationship and being open to the needs and hopes of each other is the ultimate pleasure one can long for.
‘Sex with a guy who has no idea how your body works, when you have a vibrator at home, is quite literally like choosing to take the bus when you own a Ferrari,’ she laughed.
"There is no single ‘right’ way to be a human, there is no one ‘ideal’ body and there is no ‘correct’ way to have sex." Likewise, no book or a sex educator can teach you to be the best partner you need to be while being able to enjoy pleasures of sexual intimacy yourself. A couple are their own best educators and love, compassion, patience and flexibility are qualities one must harbor in order to enjoy a pleasurable sex life.
Chapters on consent and sexual autonomy of females and people of divergent sexual orientations are timely and no doubt add value to the book. “Instead of judging someone for saying no, or feeling anger, shame, or rejection when someone does not reciprocate our feelings or is unwilling to do something we want to, let’s learn to feel gratitude that they are honouring their own boundaries and taking care of themselves.” The flow of the book is simple and fluid and as a result you can read it in one go without being bored or exhausted. A well-organized question and answer format along with some detailed imagery adds colour to the book.
Life is too precious for you to miss out on its pleasures and not enjoy fulfillment in your relationships. And again, life is too short for you to keep tab of orgasmic climaxes you have had and ignore the joys of the memories of a life shared with a caring and loving partner. “Research shows that within heterosexual couples, women tend to have significantly fewer orgasms than men. This disparity of orgasms is called the orgasm gap.” Attraction, arousal, stimulation, foreplay, intercourse, pleasure, enjoyment, climax, and orgasm are mileposts in a picturesque path and if one aims only at the destination which is orgasm, they will miss out on the pleasure of the sights enroute. Even if one has a flat tyre and fails to reach their destination still, they would have seen a lot and enjoyed it a lot if they were not focused on the destination only. “And what a fun journey that can be, exploring and celebrating the body—pleasure can be a lifelong learning experience.”
Chapters on safe abortion and the author’s personal views on marriage will surely be challenged by readers with opposing faculties and I believe a healthy debate is far better than silent, false conclusions.
“Contrary to the message society tries to hammer in, a romantic relationship or marriage is not the only context within which love can be legitimately explored. Love can be friendship; love can be living together; it can be looking after yourself. Love does not have to last forever to be valuable. Love can be non-monogamous; it can simply be sharing or creating something special. Honestly, love can be your whole entire attitude to life.”
In an era when women’s autonomy, empowerment and their physical, emotional, and psychological rights are to be valued, a book on sex education been written by a young woman is commendable. “We need better. We deserve better. And we should demand more, so that future generations have better options.” Leeza’s efforts to ensure the youth are not misled by mainstream pornography and social media and her message that everyone should be contended with their own bodies, their appearances and beliefs are remarkable. “Unfortunately, we are conditioned from such a young age to think that a Barbie doll figure is the ultimate standard, that we should have big boobs, no tummy, a bubble butt and also a thigh gap. We internalize these totally unrealistic beauty standards and then have terrible self-esteem, constantly dissatisfied with our bodies and feeling as if we’re not good enough.” Beyond any doubt a worthy book to read, but like I said sex is a journey and you are your best driver, no one else. “No matter how long we’ve been with someone, we continue to need reassurance that we are loved and wanted. And kissing is a small yet magical act that can make people feel closer and happier—it triggers hormones involved in stress relief as well as feelings of bondedness.” So read this book, go kiss your partner and say, “I love you.”