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Age of Opportunity, Revised and Expanded: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens
Are you hoping to merely survive your teenagers? With compassion, wit, and wisdom, Tripp uncovers the heart issues affecting families during the often-chaotic adolescent years. Gain assurance of God's
258 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 1997
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About the author
Paul David Tripp
143 books1,398 followersPaul was born in Toledo, Ohio to Bob and Fae Tripp on November 12, 1950. Paul spent all of his growing years in Toledo until his college years when his parents moved to Southern California.
At Columbia Bible College from 1968-1972, (now Columbia International University) Paul majored in Bible and Christian Education. Although he had planned to be there for only two years and then to study journalism, Paul more and more felt like there was so much of the theology of Scripture that he did not understand, so he decided to go to seminary. Paul met Luella Jackson at College and they married in 1971. In 1971, Paul took his first pastoral position and has had a heart for the local church ever since. After college, Paul completed his Master of Divinity degree at the Reformed Episcopal Seminary (now known as Philadelphia Theological Seminary) in Philadelphia (1972-1975). It was during these days that Paul’s commitment to ministry solidified. After seminary, Paul was involved in planting a church in Scranton, Pennsylvania (1977-1987) where he also founded a Christian School. During the years in Scranton, Paul became involved in music, traveling with a band and writing worship songs. In Scranton, Paul became interested in biblical counseling and decided to enroll in the D.Min program in Biblical Counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul then became a faculty member of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF) and a lecturer in biblical counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul has also served as Visiting Professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.
In 2009, Paul joined the faculty of Redeemer Seminary (daughter school of Westminster) in Dallas, Texas as Professor of Pastoral Life and Care.[1]
Beginning in June, 2006, Paul became the President of Paul Tripp Ministries, a non-profit organization, whose mission statement is "Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life." In addition to his current role as President of Paul Tripp Ministries, on January 1, 2007, Paul also became part of the pastoral staff at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, PA where he preached every Sunday evening and lead the Ministry to Center City through March, 2011 when he resigned due to the expanding time commitments needed at Paul Tripp Ministries.
Paul, Luella, and their four children moved to Philadelphia in 1987 and have lived there ever since. Paul is a prolific author and has written twelve books on Christian living which are sold internationally. Luella manages a large commercial art gallery in the city and Paul is very dedicated to painting as an avocation.[2] Paul’s driving passion is to help people understand how the gospel of the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ really does speak with practical hope into all the things they will face in this broken world. Paul is a pastor with a pastor’s heart, a gifted speaker, his journey taking him all over the world, an author of numerous books on practical Christian living, and a man who is hopelessly in love with Luella.
At Columbia Bible College from 1968-1972, (now Columbia International University) Paul majored in Bible and Christian Education. Although he had planned to be there for only two years and then to study journalism, Paul more and more felt like there was so much of the theology of Scripture that he did not understand, so he decided to go to seminary. Paul met Luella Jackson at College and they married in 1971. In 1971, Paul took his first pastoral position and has had a heart for the local church ever since. After college, Paul completed his Master of Divinity degree at the Reformed Episcopal Seminary (now known as Philadelphia Theological Seminary) in Philadelphia (1972-1975). It was during these days that Paul’s commitment to ministry solidified. After seminary, Paul was involved in planting a church in Scranton, Pennsylvania (1977-1987) where he also founded a Christian School. During the years in Scranton, Paul became involved in music, traveling with a band and writing worship songs. In Scranton, Paul became interested in biblical counseling and decided to enroll in the D.Min program in Biblical Counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul then became a faculty member of the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation (CCEF) and a lecturer in biblical counseling at Westminster Theological Seminary, Philadelphia. Paul has also served as Visiting Professor at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, Kentucky.
In 2009, Paul joined the faculty of Redeemer Seminary (daughter school of Westminster) in Dallas, Texas as Professor of Pastoral Life and Care.[1]
Beginning in June, 2006, Paul became the President of Paul Tripp Ministries, a non-profit organization, whose mission statement is "Connecting the transforming power of Jesus Christ to everyday life." In addition to his current role as President of Paul Tripp Ministries, on January 1, 2007, Paul also became part of the pastoral staff at Tenth Presbyterian Church in Philadelphia, PA where he preached every Sunday evening and lead the Ministry to Center City through March, 2011 when he resigned due to the expanding time commitments needed at Paul Tripp Ministries.
Paul, Luella, and their four children moved to Philadelphia in 1987 and have lived there ever since. Paul is a prolific author and has written twelve books on Christian living which are sold internationally. Luella manages a large commercial art gallery in the city and Paul is very dedicated to painting as an avocation.[2] Paul’s driving passion is to help people understand how the gospel of the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ really does speak with practical hope into all the things they will face in this broken world. Paul is a pastor with a pastor’s heart, a gifted speaker, his journey taking him all over the world, an author of numerous books on practical Christian living, and a man who is hopelessly in love with Luella.
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October 13, 2022
Let me begin by saying this book is full of good theology and helpful advice. However, I can’t really recommend it without some caveats. I differ from Tripp on some pretty key aspects of the nature of authority, and the process of sanctification.
Sanctification: Tripp says that making our children act in outward obedience when their heart isn’t in agreement is like tying shiny, red apples to the limbs of an ailing apple tree. He thinks it will turn your children into hypocrites and liars. And there is a good warning there. The gist of this argument is that faith must come before obedience. But that is an oversimplification of the sanctification process. So often, obedience leads to faith. So often, it’s the other way around: we require obedience from our children, and then their hearts soften. God works in both directions. Faith and obedience are synergistic. I see it in my own life too. The heart follows the hands nearly as often as the other way around.
Authority: throughout this book where Tripp is laying down the theology for his message, I kept waiting for him to talk about consequences. But he never does. We are the placed by God as the authority over our children. Tripp tells us to speak to our children’s hearts, open up their motives to them, preach the Gospel to them day in and day out, and lead them to repentance. We are to appeal to them to obey the Lord. However, our teens are still our children. As they age we become less authoritarian and by the time they leave the house, our interaction with them should look more like this. But when they are living under our roofs, we are still responsible to require a level of obedience, whether they are soft-hearted or not. Yes, we are to DISCIPLE our teens. But we are also to DISCIPLINE them. As parents, we need help figuring out what consequences of sin should be in our kids lives. And teens need both consequences and appeals. But Tripp cuts out consequences and never addresses them. Again, sometimes the heart follows the hands. And as Christians we *need* discipline to align our hearts, not just more sermonizing.
Sanctification: Tripp says that making our children act in outward obedience when their heart isn’t in agreement is like tying shiny, red apples to the limbs of an ailing apple tree. He thinks it will turn your children into hypocrites and liars. And there is a good warning there. The gist of this argument is that faith must come before obedience. But that is an oversimplification of the sanctification process. So often, obedience leads to faith. So often, it’s the other way around: we require obedience from our children, and then their hearts soften. God works in both directions. Faith and obedience are synergistic. I see it in my own life too. The heart follows the hands nearly as often as the other way around.
Authority: throughout this book where Tripp is laying down the theology for his message, I kept waiting for him to talk about consequences. But he never does. We are the placed by God as the authority over our children. Tripp tells us to speak to our children’s hearts, open up their motives to them, preach the Gospel to them day in and day out, and lead them to repentance. We are to appeal to them to obey the Lord. However, our teens are still our children. As they age we become less authoritarian and by the time they leave the house, our interaction with them should look more like this. But when they are living under our roofs, we are still responsible to require a level of obedience, whether they are soft-hearted or not. Yes, we are to DISCIPLE our teens. But we are also to DISCIPLINE them. As parents, we need help figuring out what consequences of sin should be in our kids lives. And teens need both consequences and appeals. But Tripp cuts out consequences and never addresses them. Again, sometimes the heart follows the hands. And as Christians we *need* discipline to align our hearts, not just more sermonizing.
March 24, 2018
Right now my children are 13, 15, 17, and 19. Invariably when that comes up during an introduction, I get a knowing look, perhaps an expression of sympathy, or at least a patronizing assurance that I’ll survive. But I have found myself rather enjoying these teenage years. Not because they are trouble-free, but in fact because they are so incredibly challenging! I have been stretched like never before and forced to rely on the grace of God in unexpected and undesirable situations. Pleas for wisdom are daily on my lips, and my prayer life has grown exponentially. My teenagers are four of the greatest blessings in my life.
As I read this highly relevant book by Paul Tripp, one emotion constantly surfaced in my heart: inspiration. I love the vision he cast for not merely surviving the inevitable teen years with our children, but instead viewing them with excitement and brimming with opportunity. He doesn’t give teens an easy pass, capitulating to the cultural norms of rebellion, moodiness, and self-centered living. Rather, as image-bearers of an incredible God, he holds them to a high standard of learning to know and seek God for themselves. As a parent, I was inspired to honestly deal with the idols and sins in my own heart and to make the most of every interaction with each one of my teens to draw them out with questions and gently lead them to discover eternal truths that they can apply to whatever situation they are facing.
This book is full of rich biblical insights, engaging anecdotes, quotable reminders, and practical suggestions. I highly recommend it for any parent who is looking for encouragement and help as they seek to raise teens for the glory of God.
As I read this highly relevant book by Paul Tripp, one emotion constantly surfaced in my heart: inspiration. I love the vision he cast for not merely surviving the inevitable teen years with our children, but instead viewing them with excitement and brimming with opportunity. He doesn’t give teens an easy pass, capitulating to the cultural norms of rebellion, moodiness, and self-centered living. Rather, as image-bearers of an incredible God, he holds them to a high standard of learning to know and seek God for themselves. As a parent, I was inspired to honestly deal with the idols and sins in my own heart and to make the most of every interaction with each one of my teens to draw them out with questions and gently lead them to discover eternal truths that they can apply to whatever situation they are facing.
This book is full of rich biblical insights, engaging anecdotes, quotable reminders, and practical suggestions. I highly recommend it for any parent who is looking for encouragement and help as they seek to raise teens for the glory of God.
December 4, 2013
I cannot say enough good things about this book! It is tempting to lament not reading it years earlier, but the author points out that God is sovereign even in that detail. Such an encouraging and helpful book!
September 18, 2012
If you are a parent to teens (or soon will be) or you work with teens, this books is essential reading. Paul David Tripp works through some of the difficulties of working with, communicating with, and raising teenagers. The bulk of the book deals with setting biblical goals for teens and strategies to achieve those goals in parenting. The goals are high and founded on the Bible but the book is so realistic about the sinfulness of the human heart and the true nature of biblical change, that the goals don't seem impossible. Another strength of the book is the chapter dealing with culture. Most Christian families move toward isolation or assimilation and Tripp attempts to cut a third path for us. His thinking on teenagers, the family, and culture was very, very good.
One of the things I always love about Paul Tripp's books is that he shares examples from his own life in which, more often than not, *he* is the bad guy. He shares his own failures as a parent and focuses on his own need to repent as much as he focuses on the changes he wants to see in his teenagers. Because ultimately this book is about relationships and that's why, despite not having any teenage children of my own yet, I felt convicted again and again while reading this and noting my own sinful behavior in relationships.
As someone who works with youth, I'll probably skim through this book every year and try to put it into the hand of every parent I work with. When I have teenage children of my own some day, I may return to it multiple times a year.
One of the things I always love about Paul Tripp's books is that he shares examples from his own life in which, more often than not, *he* is the bad guy. He shares his own failures as a parent and focuses on his own need to repent as much as he focuses on the changes he wants to see in his teenagers. Because ultimately this book is about relationships and that's why, despite not having any teenage children of my own yet, I felt convicted again and again while reading this and noting my own sinful behavior in relationships.
As someone who works with youth, I'll probably skim through this book every year and try to put it into the hand of every parent I work with. When I have teenage children of my own some day, I may return to it multiple times a year.
June 28, 2020
Here you’ll find the basics of gospel centered parenting and really...discipleship. You’ll find yourself encouraged in how to lead your teens, anyone else, AND (most importantly) yourself.
June 11, 2020
p. 15+: Scripture enjoins us to be strategic, to ask the question, "What are the evil desires that grip a person during this phase of life? each phase of life has its own set of temptations. The temptations of the little boy, the young man, and the old man are not identical. The temptations of the teenager are not particularly savage and severe. Each person at each time in his life, if he seeks to please the Lord, must watch, pray, stand fast, and fight lest he fall into temptation.
p. 17: These years are hard for us because they expose the wrong thoughts and desires of our own hearts. the teen years expose our self-righteousness, our impatience, our unforgiving spirit, our lack of servant love, the weakness of our faith, and our craving for comfort and ease.
p. 21: Would I believe the Gospel in that moment, trusting God to give me what I needed so that I could do what he was calling me to do in the life of my son?
p. 23: This is not a time to accept a culturally dictated "generation gap." This is a time to jump into the battle and move toward your teenager. It is time for engagement, interaction, discussion, and committed relationship. This is not a time to let a teenager hide his doubts, fears, and failures, but a time to pursue, love, encourage, teach, forgive, confess, and accept.
p. 27: If we are to be his instruments, we must deal with our own idolatry and bring a robust biblical faith to each rocky moment, a faith that believes that God rules over all things for our sake, that he is an ever-present help in trouble, that he is at work in every situation accomplishing his redemptive purpose, and that his Word is powerful, active, and effective.
p. 28: Everything else I do for a living is secondary. You know, I have never had a job that is so exciting! I Have never had a job that is so full of opportunities. Every day I am needed. Every day I do things that are important, worthwhile, and lasting. I wouldn't give up this job for anything!
p. 36: We need to start with an examination of our own hearts. Do we have an attitude of ownership and entitlement? Have we subtly become ruled by reputation? Is there within us a struggle to love our teenager? Is there distance between us that is the result of that struggle? Are we oppressed by thoughts of what others think? Have we even doubted the principles of the Word and why they haven't "worked" for us?
there are only two ways of living: 1) trusting God and living in submission to his will and his rule, or 2)trying to be God.
p. 41: God essentially says this: "I have designed the family to be my primary learning community.
p. 43: children were made for a relationship with God. They were made to know, love, serve, and obey him. Children were not made to live autonomous, self-oriented, self-directed and self-sufficient lives.
p. 46: children will seek to make sense out of life. They will try to organize, interpret, and explain the things that go on around them and inside of them. Children are incessant interpreters, and they respond to live not on the basis of the facts, but on the basis of the sense they have made out of those facts.
p. 55: Moses calls us to see the opportunity within the question. He instructs us to tell the child that he is a child of a God of redemption. Tell him how God harnessed the forces of nature in order to fulfill his promises to his people. Tell him that God gave us his rules for our good, that his way is a pathway of blessing. Root his identity in the soil of the glory and goodness of God.
...we are always viewing everything in reference to God: who he is, what he is doing, and what he wants us to be and do.
...p. 56: We must be faithful to turn their eyes from what they desire to what God requires.
p. 58: We need to call our teenagers away from their own glory to a concrete understanding of what it means to live for God's glory.
p. 64: we will work to uncover the issues of the heart that are the real reason for the conflict. There is no better place to do this than the family. Here children are called by God to love people with whom they did not choose to live. Here they cannot escape the daily responsibilities to give, to love, and to serve.
p. 69: We must not distance ourselves from the sins of our children as if they had a problem to which we can't relate.
p. 74: We need to communicate that we will never mock the things they have taken seriously.
p. 77: Do I respond to my teenager in ways that make wisdom appealing? Do I make the taste of correction sweet?
Win your children for wisdom. Be a salesman for it.
p. 78: We need to be sure that we come to our children with honest questions, not accusations that come out of foregone conclusions.
I have found it very helpful to do three things when my teenagers are being defensive. First, I clarify my actions for them. I say, "Don't misunderstand, I'm not accusing you of anything. I love you very much and because I love you, I want to do everything I can to help you as you begin to move into the adult world. Don't ever think I am against you. I am for you. And I want you to do something for me if you every think that I have misjudged you, if you ever think that I don't understand, or if you ever think that I have expressed sinful anger toward you, please respectfully point it out to me. I want to be used of God to help you and encourage you. I Don't ever want to tear you down."
p. 80: Catch them doing right and encourage them.
One of the ways that teenagers shift blame is by accusing us of being especially hard on them and unreasonably lax on their siblings. They charge us with harshness and inconsistency. In these moments it is important to maintain your focus on the subject under discussion and not to be diverted to elaborate justifications of your parenting. ....I say: " I'm sure there are times when I miss things that I should deal with. But I think you know that I love each one of you and I seek to be what God wants me to be in each of your lives. I would be glad at another time to talk about me and the pressures of parenting. I'd love to let you know what it's like and hear what I look like from your end, but right now we need to talk about you."
p. 90: one of my goals with my teenagers is not only to teach them about God and his will, but to help them to know themselves. I want them to become aware of the themes of their own struggle with sin, the themes of their weaknesses, and their susceptibility to temptation.
...I try to ask probing questions that are designed to break through the deceitfulness of sin and expose the heart. ...I'm incessantly working to help my children know themselves so that this knowledge would lead them to hunger after God. I believe that every moment is self-revealing.
p. 93 move toward your teenager with a confident faith in the Redeemer, whose Word is true and whose sovereign presence empowers your weak and feeble parental efforts...
p. 111+: The parent who has a pastoral model of parenting will do more than hand down regulations and enforce punishments when the regulations are broken. Pastoring parents will befriend their teen. They will probe and examine. They will engage their child in provocative discussions. They will be unwilling to live with distance, avoidance and non-answers. They will not let the teenager set the agenda for the relationship. In times of trouble, they will have discussions rather than cross-examinations. They will not be there simply to prove the child wrong and to announce punishment. They will seek to expose the true thoughts and motives of their teenager's heart by asking heart-disclosing questions. ("What were you thinking and feeling at the time?" "Why was that so important to you?" "What were you seeking to accomplish when you did that?"" What was the most important thing to you at that moment?" "What was it you were afraid of in that situation?" "What was it that you were trying to get?" "Why did you become so angry?" "If you could go back and do something differently, what would you change?")
p. 113+: Teens tend to believe two deadly lies. The first is that the physical is more real than the spiritual. ...Second they tend to believe in the permanence of the physical world.
p. 118+: Our goal is to produce children who exist in the world of the seen, but who live for what cannot be seen, touched, or tasted.
Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior:
1. heartfelt, internalized fear of God.
2. submission to authority.
3. Separation from the wicked - he will feel strangely out of place with kids who have no interest in the things that God says are most important
4. ability to think through your faith and apply it to the situations of life.
5. biblical self-awareness - teens who can regularly examine themselves in the perfect mirror of the Word of God and who can humbly accept what is revealed there.
p. 128: Make the development of internalized convictions one of our primary goals
p. 134:
1. Principle of authority - whenever he appeals to or disagrees with these authorities, he must do so in a spirit of honor, thankfulness, and submission.
2. principle of grace - the way he spoke was very important
3. principle of truth - must speak truth as he would want it spoken to him
4. principle of the higher agenda - ambassadors of the Lord
5. principle of wise counsel - not to respond in haste, but to take the time to receive the wisdom God has promised
6. principle of faithfulness or integrity - be careful of the promises we make and to be faithful to what we have promised
7. principle of the sovereignty of God - not need to panic or gain control...free to act wisely and entrust the outcome to his heavenly Father who judges all things justly
8. principle of values - doing what is right, trusting God to provide
9. principles of the heart - heart awareness so that he can protect himself from the temptations to which he knows he is particularly weak
10. principle of God's glory - live for something grander than own good, comfort, success, affluence, and ease
p. 137+: Strategies for developing a wise heart
1. see the difficult, troublesome, problem situations as God-given opportunities to develop a biblical mind in your teenager ...tell your son how much he is loved by God and that today that love is being demonstrated in the way God ordained that the ______would be found. Then help him to understand the thoughts and motives of his heart that led him into this sin.
2. Resist making the decision for your teenager. Our goal should be to put more and more decisions into our children's hands as they mature. To do this, you will have to deal with your own fear, your own desire to control, and your own reluctance to place your life and the life of your teenager in the capable hands of God.
3. Draw out the heart of your teenager. Ask your teenager what he wants to do and why he wants to do it. Ask him what is important in the situation and why. Ask him what he fears the most when he thinks about what could possibly happen. Ask him to describe what would really make him happy in the situation. Ask him what he thinks God thinks about the circumstance.
4. Be persistent: be positive, friendly, encouraging, persistent, remind them of your love and commitment
5. Help your teenager to determine whether he is dealing with a clear-boundary issue or a wisdom issue.
6. Don't try to tell your teenager in one conversation everything you have learned.
p. 148-149 - great chart on idols of culture - relativism, individualism, emotionalism, presentism, materialism, autonomy, victimism
p. 153: When we respond to issues of taste in the same way that we respond to moral issues, we cheapen the whole cultural discussion and weaken the positive influence that we ca have with our teenagers.
p. 158: We need to be humbly honest about the places where our own lifestyles have been more shaped by cultural norms than by biblical principles.
p. 159: the purpose of the goal (of understanding and interacting redemptively with culture) is to raise teenagers who are fully able to interact with their becoming enslaved to its idols.
p. 165: Our voice in the culture is ordained by God not just to be negative, not just to be always speaking against something. The goal is to declare positively what God had in mind when he designed things in the beginning, to be part of rebuilding the culture his way, and to proclaim that this rebuilding can only be done by people who are living in proper relationship with God through Christ Jesus.
p. 186: We want an atmosphere of freedom, where our teenagers feel free to ask questions, verbalize doubts, express confusion, debate applications, and try to draw inferences and applications, all without the fear of being silenced, rebuked, or ridiculed.
p. 194-195: Parents who follow Christ's example do not correct without the Gospel of grace as part of the message. They do not admonish without pointing to the reality of the love of Christ. They see every instance of trouble, failure, and sin as another opportunity to teach their teenager to cast himself on Christ. They never call wrong right, but they always deal with wrong in a way that depicts the glorious realities of the gospel. And they never try to do with the power of their words or the gravity of their discipline what only Christ can do as he enters into a teenager's heart by his grace. the preeminent theme will be Christ. He will dominate the times of failure as Forgiver and Deliverer, and he will dominate the times of obedience as the Guide and Strength.
p. 196: As parents, we are called to incarnate the love of Christ in all of our interactions with our teenagers.
-If Christ can identify with us, how much more should we be able to identify with our teenagers! Often parents of teens communicate that they are not at all like their teenagers and, in fact, have real difficulty relating to them and their struggles. However, we are the same.
-As Christ entered our world...we must take the time to enter the world of our teenager. That means spending as much time asking good questions and listening as it does speaking. our speaking to our teenagers would be much more loving and insightful if we took the time to get to know the people, the pressures, the responsibilities, the opportunities, and the temptations they face every day.
p. 238: If you fail to speak the truth in love, it will cease to be the truth as the purity of its content becomes corrupted by your frustration, impatience, and anger.
p. 244: The problems that our teenagers bring home are an intrusion on our desires and plans for our lives. We tend to get angry, not because they are messing up their own lives, but because they are messing up ours. We get captivated by our own plan, and we tend to lose sight of God’s. …If we are ever consistently going to see problems as opportunities, we need to begin with humble confession of our selfishness to the Lord.
p. 17: These years are hard for us because they expose the wrong thoughts and desires of our own hearts. the teen years expose our self-righteousness, our impatience, our unforgiving spirit, our lack of servant love, the weakness of our faith, and our craving for comfort and ease.
p. 21: Would I believe the Gospel in that moment, trusting God to give me what I needed so that I could do what he was calling me to do in the life of my son?
p. 23: This is not a time to accept a culturally dictated "generation gap." This is a time to jump into the battle and move toward your teenager. It is time for engagement, interaction, discussion, and committed relationship. This is not a time to let a teenager hide his doubts, fears, and failures, but a time to pursue, love, encourage, teach, forgive, confess, and accept.
p. 27: If we are to be his instruments, we must deal with our own idolatry and bring a robust biblical faith to each rocky moment, a faith that believes that God rules over all things for our sake, that he is an ever-present help in trouble, that he is at work in every situation accomplishing his redemptive purpose, and that his Word is powerful, active, and effective.
p. 28: Everything else I do for a living is secondary. You know, I have never had a job that is so exciting! I Have never had a job that is so full of opportunities. Every day I am needed. Every day I do things that are important, worthwhile, and lasting. I wouldn't give up this job for anything!
p. 36: We need to start with an examination of our own hearts. Do we have an attitude of ownership and entitlement? Have we subtly become ruled by reputation? Is there within us a struggle to love our teenager? Is there distance between us that is the result of that struggle? Are we oppressed by thoughts of what others think? Have we even doubted the principles of the Word and why they haven't "worked" for us?
there are only two ways of living: 1) trusting God and living in submission to his will and his rule, or 2)trying to be God.
p. 41: God essentially says this: "I have designed the family to be my primary learning community.
p. 43: children were made for a relationship with God. They were made to know, love, serve, and obey him. Children were not made to live autonomous, self-oriented, self-directed and self-sufficient lives.
p. 46: children will seek to make sense out of life. They will try to organize, interpret, and explain the things that go on around them and inside of them. Children are incessant interpreters, and they respond to live not on the basis of the facts, but on the basis of the sense they have made out of those facts.
p. 55: Moses calls us to see the opportunity within the question. He instructs us to tell the child that he is a child of a God of redemption. Tell him how God harnessed the forces of nature in order to fulfill his promises to his people. Tell him that God gave us his rules for our good, that his way is a pathway of blessing. Root his identity in the soil of the glory and goodness of God.
...we are always viewing everything in reference to God: who he is, what he is doing, and what he wants us to be and do.
...p. 56: We must be faithful to turn their eyes from what they desire to what God requires.
p. 58: We need to call our teenagers away from their own glory to a concrete understanding of what it means to live for God's glory.
p. 64: we will work to uncover the issues of the heart that are the real reason for the conflict. There is no better place to do this than the family. Here children are called by God to love people with whom they did not choose to live. Here they cannot escape the daily responsibilities to give, to love, and to serve.
p. 69: We must not distance ourselves from the sins of our children as if they had a problem to which we can't relate.
p. 74: We need to communicate that we will never mock the things they have taken seriously.
p. 77: Do I respond to my teenager in ways that make wisdom appealing? Do I make the taste of correction sweet?
Win your children for wisdom. Be a salesman for it.
p. 78: We need to be sure that we come to our children with honest questions, not accusations that come out of foregone conclusions.
I have found it very helpful to do three things when my teenagers are being defensive. First, I clarify my actions for them. I say, "Don't misunderstand, I'm not accusing you of anything. I love you very much and because I love you, I want to do everything I can to help you as you begin to move into the adult world. Don't ever think I am against you. I am for you. And I want you to do something for me if you every think that I have misjudged you, if you ever think that I don't understand, or if you ever think that I have expressed sinful anger toward you, please respectfully point it out to me. I want to be used of God to help you and encourage you. I Don't ever want to tear you down."
p. 80: Catch them doing right and encourage them.
One of the ways that teenagers shift blame is by accusing us of being especially hard on them and unreasonably lax on their siblings. They charge us with harshness and inconsistency. In these moments it is important to maintain your focus on the subject under discussion and not to be diverted to elaborate justifications of your parenting. ....I say: " I'm sure there are times when I miss things that I should deal with. But I think you know that I love each one of you and I seek to be what God wants me to be in each of your lives. I would be glad at another time to talk about me and the pressures of parenting. I'd love to let you know what it's like and hear what I look like from your end, but right now we need to talk about you."
p. 90: one of my goals with my teenagers is not only to teach them about God and his will, but to help them to know themselves. I want them to become aware of the themes of their own struggle with sin, the themes of their weaknesses, and their susceptibility to temptation.
...I try to ask probing questions that are designed to break through the deceitfulness of sin and expose the heart. ...I'm incessantly working to help my children know themselves so that this knowledge would lead them to hunger after God. I believe that every moment is self-revealing.
p. 93 move toward your teenager with a confident faith in the Redeemer, whose Word is true and whose sovereign presence empowers your weak and feeble parental efforts...
p. 111+: The parent who has a pastoral model of parenting will do more than hand down regulations and enforce punishments when the regulations are broken. Pastoring parents will befriend their teen. They will probe and examine. They will engage their child in provocative discussions. They will be unwilling to live with distance, avoidance and non-answers. They will not let the teenager set the agenda for the relationship. In times of trouble, they will have discussions rather than cross-examinations. They will not be there simply to prove the child wrong and to announce punishment. They will seek to expose the true thoughts and motives of their teenager's heart by asking heart-disclosing questions. ("What were you thinking and feeling at the time?" "Why was that so important to you?" "What were you seeking to accomplish when you did that?"" What was the most important thing to you at that moment?" "What was it you were afraid of in that situation?" "What was it that you were trying to get?" "Why did you become so angry?" "If you could go back and do something differently, what would you change?")
p. 113+: Teens tend to believe two deadly lies. The first is that the physical is more real than the spiritual. ...Second they tend to believe in the permanence of the physical world.
p. 118+: Our goal is to produce children who exist in the world of the seen, but who live for what cannot be seen, touched, or tasted.
Qualities of a Spiritual Warrior:
1. heartfelt, internalized fear of God.
2. submission to authority.
3. Separation from the wicked - he will feel strangely out of place with kids who have no interest in the things that God says are most important
4. ability to think through your faith and apply it to the situations of life.
5. biblical self-awareness - teens who can regularly examine themselves in the perfect mirror of the Word of God and who can humbly accept what is revealed there.
p. 128: Make the development of internalized convictions one of our primary goals
p. 134:
1. Principle of authority - whenever he appeals to or disagrees with these authorities, he must do so in a spirit of honor, thankfulness, and submission.
2. principle of grace - the way he spoke was very important
3. principle of truth - must speak truth as he would want it spoken to him
4. principle of the higher agenda - ambassadors of the Lord
5. principle of wise counsel - not to respond in haste, but to take the time to receive the wisdom God has promised
6. principle of faithfulness or integrity - be careful of the promises we make and to be faithful to what we have promised
7. principle of the sovereignty of God - not need to panic or gain control...free to act wisely and entrust the outcome to his heavenly Father who judges all things justly
8. principle of values - doing what is right, trusting God to provide
9. principles of the heart - heart awareness so that he can protect himself from the temptations to which he knows he is particularly weak
10. principle of God's glory - live for something grander than own good, comfort, success, affluence, and ease
p. 137+: Strategies for developing a wise heart
1. see the difficult, troublesome, problem situations as God-given opportunities to develop a biblical mind in your teenager ...tell your son how much he is loved by God and that today that love is being demonstrated in the way God ordained that the ______would be found. Then help him to understand the thoughts and motives of his heart that led him into this sin.
2. Resist making the decision for your teenager. Our goal should be to put more and more decisions into our children's hands as they mature. To do this, you will have to deal with your own fear, your own desire to control, and your own reluctance to place your life and the life of your teenager in the capable hands of God.
3. Draw out the heart of your teenager. Ask your teenager what he wants to do and why he wants to do it. Ask him what is important in the situation and why. Ask him what he fears the most when he thinks about what could possibly happen. Ask him to describe what would really make him happy in the situation. Ask him what he thinks God thinks about the circumstance.
4. Be persistent: be positive, friendly, encouraging, persistent, remind them of your love and commitment
5. Help your teenager to determine whether he is dealing with a clear-boundary issue or a wisdom issue.
6. Don't try to tell your teenager in one conversation everything you have learned.
p. 148-149 - great chart on idols of culture - relativism, individualism, emotionalism, presentism, materialism, autonomy, victimism
p. 153: When we respond to issues of taste in the same way that we respond to moral issues, we cheapen the whole cultural discussion and weaken the positive influence that we ca have with our teenagers.
p. 158: We need to be humbly honest about the places where our own lifestyles have been more shaped by cultural norms than by biblical principles.
p. 159: the purpose of the goal (of understanding and interacting redemptively with culture) is to raise teenagers who are fully able to interact with their becoming enslaved to its idols.
p. 165: Our voice in the culture is ordained by God not just to be negative, not just to be always speaking against something. The goal is to declare positively what God had in mind when he designed things in the beginning, to be part of rebuilding the culture his way, and to proclaim that this rebuilding can only be done by people who are living in proper relationship with God through Christ Jesus.
p. 186: We want an atmosphere of freedom, where our teenagers feel free to ask questions, verbalize doubts, express confusion, debate applications, and try to draw inferences and applications, all without the fear of being silenced, rebuked, or ridiculed.
p. 194-195: Parents who follow Christ's example do not correct without the Gospel of grace as part of the message. They do not admonish without pointing to the reality of the love of Christ. They see every instance of trouble, failure, and sin as another opportunity to teach their teenager to cast himself on Christ. They never call wrong right, but they always deal with wrong in a way that depicts the glorious realities of the gospel. And they never try to do with the power of their words or the gravity of their discipline what only Christ can do as he enters into a teenager's heart by his grace. the preeminent theme will be Christ. He will dominate the times of failure as Forgiver and Deliverer, and he will dominate the times of obedience as the Guide and Strength.
p. 196: As parents, we are called to incarnate the love of Christ in all of our interactions with our teenagers.
-If Christ can identify with us, how much more should we be able to identify with our teenagers! Often parents of teens communicate that they are not at all like their teenagers and, in fact, have real difficulty relating to them and their struggles. However, we are the same.
-As Christ entered our world...we must take the time to enter the world of our teenager. That means spending as much time asking good questions and listening as it does speaking. our speaking to our teenagers would be much more loving and insightful if we took the time to get to know the people, the pressures, the responsibilities, the opportunities, and the temptations they face every day.
p. 238: If you fail to speak the truth in love, it will cease to be the truth as the purity of its content becomes corrupted by your frustration, impatience, and anger.
p. 244: The problems that our teenagers bring home are an intrusion on our desires and plans for our lives. We tend to get angry, not because they are messing up their own lives, but because they are messing up ours. We get captivated by our own plan, and we tend to lose sight of God’s. …If we are ever consistently going to see problems as opportunities, we need to begin with humble confession of our selfishness to the Lord.
September 17, 2022
Every Christian parent should read this when their children are in their pre to early teens. And then read it again when your oldest turns 15. It is solidly fixed on the gospel, but also solidly fixed in REAL LIFE. Too many parenting books neglect this aspect and linger too long in fuzzy land. The gospel is worthless if it isn’t practical (which it is!! We just forget that!!) The mid-teens (15-16) will hit you like a truck load of bricks crashing into your house and you will feel like you’re seeing stars (and not the good kind) but the REAL LIFE gospel of Jesus Christ is sufficient - more than sufficient - for even this.
September 26, 2011
I was required to read this book for a class, and I am grateful for this assignment! This is an excellent book. Even though I am a single young man with no children, I have greatly benefited from this book. Some things I learned are:
The teenage years are an age of opportunity to prepare one’s teen for a wise, God-honoring, God-fearing life driven by biblical conviction rather than worldly culture. It is an age during which parents plant seeds that will (hopefully) result in maturing young adults who love the Lord and His Word.
Many parents, however, self-centeredly view the teenage years as a struggle for survival! This is an unbiblical mindset. It is true that teenagers are in a unique season in their life, in which they battle unique temptations. But teens are no different than their parents or anyone else: they are sinners, engaged in a spiritual battle, in need of a Savior.
Thus, God has established the family to be a learning community, in which the parents are the teachers. As parents humble themselves to change their own sinful attitudes, they can be positioned as God’s instruments of change in the lives of their children. Every moment of family life is a teaching moment, and God’s Word is the foundation of the parents’ teaching. Behavior modification is not enough; the aim is a changed heart, from which a love of God grows.
The teenage years are an age of opportunity to prepare one’s teen for a wise, God-honoring, God-fearing life driven by biblical conviction rather than worldly culture. It is an age during which parents plant seeds that will (hopefully) result in maturing young adults who love the Lord and His Word.
Many parents, however, self-centeredly view the teenage years as a struggle for survival! This is an unbiblical mindset. It is true that teenagers are in a unique season in their life, in which they battle unique temptations. But teens are no different than their parents or anyone else: they are sinners, engaged in a spiritual battle, in need of a Savior.
Thus, God has established the family to be a learning community, in which the parents are the teachers. As parents humble themselves to change their own sinful attitudes, they can be positioned as God’s instruments of change in the lives of their children. Every moment of family life is a teaching moment, and God’s Word is the foundation of the parents’ teaching. Behavior modification is not enough; the aim is a changed heart, from which a love of God grows.
May 27, 2022
This book was filled with great reminders, practical tips and lots of perspective giving. I love how it’s hopeful in posture but is realistic about the types of things that arise through the teen years. You really get a sense as to why things can get tense, damaged and bitter in these years…. Good warnings and insight. But, you also get a good sense of what creates closeness, good communication and how to avoid common pitfalls . You’ll be convicted and encouraged, it’s filled with lots of help and hope for these teen years.
June 24, 2012
Best book I've read in years. Should be required reading for any parent of teens or even younger children. Revolutionary--if more parents applied the principles from this book (which are rooted in the Bible) to their relationships with their teens, we would start to see genuine change in our society.
August 15, 2022
Youth culture feels like it changes at lightning speed. Every couple of months there are new dance moves, fresh slang, and chart-topping songs. But Age of Opportunity, a book written in the 1990’s about parenting teens, still speaks with tremendous relevance today. In spite of changing surface details, teens and parents today encounter many of the same core challenges as in years gone by. And the time-tested insight from author Paul David Tripp still imparts truth to a new generation of parents looking for wise counsel.
I found this book uber helpful, challenging, and encouraging as our family enters the teenage years. However, since I borrowed this book from a friend, I couldn’t underline my favorite passages. Instead, I recorded a bunch of concepts I plan to return to for future reference (posted after review).
One more thing. My friend confesses she actually used this book as a family read-aloud. She is now an empty-nester, having sent a flock of well-adjusted adults into the world. But I’m now puzzling through the pros and cons of potentially reading this to/with your kids. Tripp wrote the book to parents, and he doesn’t pull any punches. There are plenty of convicting passages that call adults on the carpet for bad parenting habits. But… maybe that’s part of the draw of reading it together--making a level playing field where we don't come across as "holier than thou" with our teens. Would it be helpful or harmful for our teens to be privy to the fact that we as parents are working through our own bad parenting patterns, weaknesses, and struggles with sin/idols? Would it help or harm the parent/teen dynamic? I’d love any insight that others have on this idea!
~Jen
My Notes:
Pg 18: Angry parents? We have no attitude of ministry, no sense of opportunity, no quest to be part of what God is doing… just anger (James 4:2 – you want something, but you don’t get it)
Pg 21: God is working not just to change our kids, but us as parents as well.
Pg 24: “We have an opportunity to help our kids make conceptual theology become functional, life-shaping theology.”
Pg 27: Remember 2 Timothy 4:2! “Preach the W ord; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage – with great patience and careful instruction.”
Pg 30: Ezekiel 14:4: “When any Israelite sets up idols in his heart and puts a wicked stumbling block before his face and then goes to a prophet, I the LORD will answer him in keeping with his great idolatry.” Or Tripp’s paraphrase: “Because there are idols in your heart, the only thing I am interested in talking about is your idolatry.” “…whatever I [God] say somehow, some way, will be used to serve the idols that rule your heart. Therefore I want to deal with your idolatry. That is my priority…”
Pg 47: We can guide our kids as “interpreters” by getting them to “think out loud.”
Pg 77: Do I respond to my child in ways that make wisdom appealing? Do I make the taste of correction sweet (not bitter)? Make correction something to be desired.
Pg 81: Because of short attention spans… “Make these moments of wisdom and correction INTERACTIONS rather than LECTURES… ask stimulating questions, surprise him with truth, let wisdom sparkle before his eyes. Don’t give into soliloquies or diatribes.”
Pg 82: “We need to see teenage legalism [“How far can I go?” “What is the letter of the law?”] as an opportunity to talk about what it means to have a heart for God and a heart for doing what is right.”
Pg 88: “Who are the heroes of western culture?... they are people who live for the moment, people who are laying up treasure on earth…”
Pg 88: “…it is impossible to live life without planting seeds that will be the plants of life they will someday harvest.”
Pg 93: Trying to control and manipulate your kids into obedience versus moving towards them with confident faith in the Redeemer – communicate love, understanding, grace, hope, life… ask calm but probing questions… smile at them; don’t let it become hurtfully personal.
Pg 117: Our kids need to learn how to fight the war and use the battle equipment the Lord has provided.
Pg 118: Spiritual warfare – there are dramatic vertical struggles taking place in all our relationships.
Pg 137: See problem situations as God-given opportunities to develop a biblical mind in your kids.
Pg 147: The struggle with culture is inescapable and it is aways moral. We always interact with the world in either a spirit of submission to God and his Word OR in rebellion and dependence on our own minds.
Pg 150: The media has great power to transmit a culture’s ideas (both good and evil)… the point is not to slay the messenger.
Pg 179: Parental interventions to produce what only God can produce? “They will not produce a lasting harvest of godliness, only fruit that decays as soon as the pressure is removed.”
Pg 194: Relational breakdown in a Christian home? “What happens is that parents, in their desire to get their teenager to do what is right, allow their own anger, bitterness and unforgiving spirit to corrupt and distort the whole process.”
Pg 199-201: Colossians 1:9-14 as a description of 6 points of maturity we are looking for in our kids:
1.) Sensitivity to God’s revealed will
2.) Functional godliness
3.) Progressive spiritual growth
4.) Perseverance
5.) An appreciation of God’s grace
6.) Kingdom awareness
Pg 201: Kingdom awareness shaping each area of our kids’ lives: friendship, work, school, home, leisure, thoughts, possessions.
Pg 201: Setting our goals high for the teen years (Yes, I am feeling the “impossibility” of it!) rather than just settling for surviving. God is able to do more than you could ask or think.
Pg 205: Holding your teen accountable: “Is there anything that you are doing out there that you would be afraid or embarrassed to do in front of me?”
Pg 215: “Project Parenting” as a strategy. Psalm 36:1-4 diagnoses “no fear of God before his eyes” and “flatters himself too much.”
Pg 221: As part of Project Parenting, at the start of each school year, meet with your spouse and discuss a project.
Pg 222-226: “Constant Conversation Model” as a strategy... proactively engage in conversation, at all kinds of positive times… not just for correction.
Pg 229: In leading teen to repentance, 5 questions to ask:
1.) What was going on?
2.) What were you thinking/feeling?
3.) What did you do?
4.) Why did you do it?
5.) What was the result?
Pg 242: Listening to how our teens talk about God and what’s going on inside their head and heart—“We need to be students of our teens’ inner worlds.”
Pg 244: Our children are not agents for OUR happiness… “We are called to be God’s agents of growth in godliness for them.”
Pg 245: “We do not want to settle for being fruit pickers [as in simply targeting bad actions] when we can be root diggers [addressing the heart/source of the problem].”
I found this book uber helpful, challenging, and encouraging as our family enters the teenage years. However, since I borrowed this book from a friend, I couldn’t underline my favorite passages. Instead, I recorded a bunch of concepts I plan to return to for future reference (posted after review).
One more thing. My friend confesses she actually used this book as a family read-aloud. She is now an empty-nester, having sent a flock of well-adjusted adults into the world. But I’m now puzzling through the pros and cons of potentially reading this to/with your kids. Tripp wrote the book to parents, and he doesn’t pull any punches. There are plenty of convicting passages that call adults on the carpet for bad parenting habits. But… maybe that’s part of the draw of reading it together--making a level playing field where we don't come across as "holier than thou" with our teens. Would it be helpful or harmful for our teens to be privy to the fact that we as parents are working through our own bad parenting patterns, weaknesses, and struggles with sin/idols? Would it help or harm the parent/teen dynamic? I’d love any insight that others have on this idea!
~Jen
My Notes:
Pg 18: Angry parents? We have no attitude of ministry, no sense of opportunity, no quest to be part of what God is doing… just anger (James 4:2 – you want something, but you don’t get it)
Pg 21: God is working not just to change our kids, but us as parents as well.
Pg 24: “We have an opportunity to help our kids make conceptual theology become functional, life-shaping theology.”
Pg 27: Remember 2 Timothy 4:2! “Preach the W ord; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke, and encourage – with great patience and careful instruction.”
Pg 30: Ezekiel 14:4: “When any Israelite sets up idols in his heart and puts a wicked stumbling block before his face and then goes to a prophet, I the LORD will answer him in keeping with his great idolatry.” Or Tripp’s paraphrase: “Because there are idols in your heart, the only thing I am interested in talking about is your idolatry.” “…whatever I [God] say somehow, some way, will be used to serve the idols that rule your heart. Therefore I want to deal with your idolatry. That is my priority…”
Pg 47: We can guide our kids as “interpreters” by getting them to “think out loud.”
Pg 77: Do I respond to my child in ways that make wisdom appealing? Do I make the taste of correction sweet (not bitter)? Make correction something to be desired.
Pg 81: Because of short attention spans… “Make these moments of wisdom and correction INTERACTIONS rather than LECTURES… ask stimulating questions, surprise him with truth, let wisdom sparkle before his eyes. Don’t give into soliloquies or diatribes.”
Pg 82: “We need to see teenage legalism [“How far can I go?” “What is the letter of the law?”] as an opportunity to talk about what it means to have a heart for God and a heart for doing what is right.”
Pg 88: “Who are the heroes of western culture?... they are people who live for the moment, people who are laying up treasure on earth…”
Pg 88: “…it is impossible to live life without planting seeds that will be the plants of life they will someday harvest.”
Pg 93: Trying to control and manipulate your kids into obedience versus moving towards them with confident faith in the Redeemer – communicate love, understanding, grace, hope, life… ask calm but probing questions… smile at them; don’t let it become hurtfully personal.
Pg 117: Our kids need to learn how to fight the war and use the battle equipment the Lord has provided.
Pg 118: Spiritual warfare – there are dramatic vertical struggles taking place in all our relationships.
Pg 137: See problem situations as God-given opportunities to develop a biblical mind in your kids.
Pg 147: The struggle with culture is inescapable and it is aways moral. We always interact with the world in either a spirit of submission to God and his Word OR in rebellion and dependence on our own minds.
Pg 150: The media has great power to transmit a culture’s ideas (both good and evil)… the point is not to slay the messenger.
Pg 179: Parental interventions to produce what only God can produce? “They will not produce a lasting harvest of godliness, only fruit that decays as soon as the pressure is removed.”
Pg 194: Relational breakdown in a Christian home? “What happens is that parents, in their desire to get their teenager to do what is right, allow their own anger, bitterness and unforgiving spirit to corrupt and distort the whole process.”
Pg 199-201: Colossians 1:9-14 as a description of 6 points of maturity we are looking for in our kids:
1.) Sensitivity to God’s revealed will
2.) Functional godliness
3.) Progressive spiritual growth
4.) Perseverance
5.) An appreciation of God’s grace
6.) Kingdom awareness
Pg 201: Kingdom awareness shaping each area of our kids’ lives: friendship, work, school, home, leisure, thoughts, possessions.
Pg 201: Setting our goals high for the teen years (Yes, I am feeling the “impossibility” of it!) rather than just settling for surviving. God is able to do more than you could ask or think.
Pg 205: Holding your teen accountable: “Is there anything that you are doing out there that you would be afraid or embarrassed to do in front of me?”
Pg 215: “Project Parenting” as a strategy. Psalm 36:1-4 diagnoses “no fear of God before his eyes” and “flatters himself too much.”
Pg 221: As part of Project Parenting, at the start of each school year, meet with your spouse and discuss a project.
Pg 222-226: “Constant Conversation Model” as a strategy... proactively engage in conversation, at all kinds of positive times… not just for correction.
Pg 229: In leading teen to repentance, 5 questions to ask:
1.) What was going on?
2.) What were you thinking/feeling?
3.) What did you do?
4.) Why did you do it?
5.) What was the result?
Pg 242: Listening to how our teens talk about God and what’s going on inside their head and heart—“We need to be students of our teens’ inner worlds.”
Pg 244: Our children are not agents for OUR happiness… “We are called to be God’s agents of growth in godliness for them.”
Pg 245: “We do not want to settle for being fruit pickers [as in simply targeting bad actions] when we can be root diggers [addressing the heart/source of the problem].”
November 2, 2022
Read with a friend… very helpful encouragement and handles for the difficult work of pursuing the hearts of teenagers. Very little portrayal of the parent as the authority figure even as our kids grow into adults through the teen years. Heavy-handed and unbalanced descriptions of God as parenting us only from gentleness and compassion (almost a direct quote from the end of the book). Tripp claims over and over that this is THE biblical way to parent. We should be gentle, but it doesn’t always feel that way to us or to the child. This is a common thread for modern evangelicalism, emphasizing part of God’s attributes as more primary or central than others. It’s harmful as we seek to read any of the Bible and understand who we see God to be.
October 11, 2024
Must read for the teen years. In my top 5 parenting books.
December 17, 2024
Paul Tripp always delivers. Parenting a teenager is a new adventure we have embarked on and I will definitely be returning to the biblical wisdom in this book.
February 13, 2014
I do not like parenting books. I mean, anything that works is usually working because it suits YOUR family, which is unique unto itself, with all its individual personalities! But THIS book gets to the heart of the matter, which is this: we have to start with ourselves. WE are the only ones we can truly change, and even that comes hard, through a painful sort of grace. Again and again, Tripp turns the tables on parents -- not to find blame, but to seek for the motivations that drive us, the needs we are ignorant of, the issues that we ourselves need to acknowledge (even confess) before we can truly and humbly love. Again and again, grace and love become the forces of relational healing. I believe he has spoken the truth, and it is powerful. "The truth shall set you free..." I highly recommend this book!! It is especially suited to the pre-teen years, when we are all bracing for big changes within the family unit. There is so much to gain from the readings, so much to remember and learn from (and practicing it will take a lifetime!) that I would recommend owning a copy to dog-ear, underline, highlight and return to again and again. The teenage years do not have to be a deep dark hole! I have graduated one child, one is a senior, and one is 11. I treasure this book and deeply appreciate the author for sharing his experiences and his wisdom. Finally -- a truly helpful book for parents of teens!
April 15, 2010
I thought this book had good things to say about raising teenagers/children. I didn't think it was anything revolutionary or that I hadn't already read or thought about.
I think that if you come from a background of attachment parenting/emotional coaching with your children - this will be old hat by now. You have hopefully already built a relationship with your children that will stretch into the teen years. I strongly disagree with his brothers book - "Shepherding A Child's Heart" - and I read this one because he is going to be at a homeschool gathering this summer that I was thinking of attending.
I could not, in good conscience, support the gathering if his brothers violent methods of child "training" were going to be the focal point of the event. After reading this, I believe he is well intentioned and has great advice about parenting a teenager. No violent advice here - only common sense about listening to your child and parenting unselfishly.
Again, if only this sort of advice could be in the book for younger children by Tedd Tripp. I am afraid that the toolbox of this book will be a hard up-hill climb for those who have already damaged the child/parent relationship with heavy handed tactics. Since the audience for this book will most likely be the many that have parented ala Tripp, hopefully this will add some much needed balance and sensitivity.
I think that if you come from a background of attachment parenting/emotional coaching with your children - this will be old hat by now. You have hopefully already built a relationship with your children that will stretch into the teen years. I strongly disagree with his brothers book - "Shepherding A Child's Heart" - and I read this one because he is going to be at a homeschool gathering this summer that I was thinking of attending.
I could not, in good conscience, support the gathering if his brothers violent methods of child "training" were going to be the focal point of the event. After reading this, I believe he is well intentioned and has great advice about parenting a teenager. No violent advice here - only common sense about listening to your child and parenting unselfishly.
Again, if only this sort of advice could be in the book for younger children by Tedd Tripp. I am afraid that the toolbox of this book will be a hard up-hill climb for those who have already damaged the child/parent relationship with heavy handed tactics. Since the audience for this book will most likely be the many that have parented ala Tripp, hopefully this will add some much needed balance and sensitivity.
March 14, 2012
One of the best books I have read on shepherding older children. As I read it, I was constantly thinking about my own children and the congregation I serve. The book is really well-outlined, which allows for easy referencing after I was done reading. He did a good job of maintaining a proper biblical balance between focus on Christ, but not allowing this to obscure how teenagers should behave. One of the most important things he emphasizes is how much work and time good shepherding requires. This was a strength of the book. Yes, the teens years are a great opportunity to see your children grow in Christ. However, this opportunity requires great labor and dependence upon Christ. Highly recommended for all pastors and anyone who will be or is raising teenagers.
October 9, 2024
3.5⭐
Kind of harsh, I'm sorry.
There's a review by Michal Crum that hits the nail on the head for me with this book. Read that one.
My extra thoughts are:
Everything he explains is true and helpful.
I need more scenario scripting. He's so good as describing the problem then gets philosophical instead of practical with the solution. You told me exactly what your kid said to you, why don't you share exactly how your side of the conversation went?!
Kind of harsh, I'm sorry.
There's a review by Michal Crum that hits the nail on the head for me with this book. Read that one.
My extra thoughts are:
Everything he explains is true and helpful.
I need more scenario scripting. He's so good as describing the problem then gets philosophical instead of practical with the solution. You told me exactly what your kid said to you, why don't you share exactly how your side of the conversation went?!
November 4, 2011
This book is a MUST read for anyone who is setting out to raise teenagers or who even volunteers or works alongside teens. This book forces the reader to examine his or her own heart and gives the best biblical foundation for parenting that I have ever heard or read. It is a long book but well worth the read of every page.
August 20, 2012
This book was fantastic for making me think. It is really great for any parent, with young or old children. And it is more about my own sin-nature and how my approach can be grace-filled, guided by the Word. I am re-reading after 2 years because my oldest is almost 12 and he is definitely hit the pre-teen phase now!
February 17, 2024
If you need a vision for parenting the teen years, this is your book. If you have a vision but feel like you’re failing in its execution, this is your book.
It was convicting in all the ways that I needed. Tripp, as usual, takes the ordinary moments of our days, puts them up against the beautiful backdrop of God’s glory and hands you glasses to see it all through the clarifying lens of Scripture. He is kind in reminding the reader what it’s like to be a teenager and offers a hand to help you down from your self-righteous high horse. He does not fail to remind you of the glorious promises of God to make his strength perfect in our parenting weaknesses and to give wisdom when we ask. I finally finished the book both brought low by a clearer vision of myself and lifted up by the kindness of a loving Father who still wants to use me in the lives of my children.
It was convicting in all the ways that I needed. Tripp, as usual, takes the ordinary moments of our days, puts them up against the beautiful backdrop of God’s glory and hands you glasses to see it all through the clarifying lens of Scripture. He is kind in reminding the reader what it’s like to be a teenager and offers a hand to help you down from your self-righteous high horse. He does not fail to remind you of the glorious promises of God to make his strength perfect in our parenting weaknesses and to give wisdom when we ask. I finally finished the book both brought low by a clearer vision of myself and lifted up by the kindness of a loving Father who still wants to use me in the lives of my children.
August 17, 2025
This is the best book on raising teens that I have read. So much calm, heartening wisdom here! I especially appreciated the reminders to deal with my own heart first, as a parent, and the pointing to Jesus as the one who changes hearts, both of parents and teens alike. To be told that I am not alone in this often confusing journey of parenthood is so encouraging - Jesus IS with me and will give wisdom and soften hearts. I also liked the way he compares parenting to pastoring, as a ministry of evangelism and discipleship.
My only area of disappointment when reading this book is that I would have appreciated more practical ideas for consequences when authority is not obeyed or respected. I read the expanded and revised edition, which includes some helpful thoughts on current issues facing teens (technology, etc). More specific practical advice, especially regarding consequences when needed, would have been great - but I understand such things are very subjective and that’s where I need to seek wisdom from God.
My only area of disappointment when reading this book is that I would have appreciated more practical ideas for consequences when authority is not obeyed or respected. I read the expanded and revised edition, which includes some helpful thoughts on current issues facing teens (technology, etc). More specific practical advice, especially regarding consequences when needed, would have been great - but I understand such things are very subjective and that’s where I need to seek wisdom from God.
January 19, 2024
Basic biblical information and encouragement on how to relate to, instruct and love your teenager. Book covers topics you need to talk about and the attitude God wants you to have when building impactful relationships with your teen. This is the only teen-years parenting book I have heard highly recommended from trustworthy sources.
December 9, 2020
Rebuked, encouraged, and exhorted. If I could only have two books on parenting it would be this and “Don’t Make Me Count to Three” by Ginger Hubbard.
October 7, 2021
Excellent book for Christians who are learning how to wisely parent their teens. I will definitely read it again.
December 28, 2022
This is an exceptional book for parents! My husband and I have worked with teens for years, but now are just getting into the teen years with our own children. I truly appreciated the practical, biblical counsel in this book and plan to reread it.
February 25, 2025
A great message of Gospel-centered hope for the teen years, seeing the teen years as a time of God’s working in our kids heart rather than a battle with our kids. Tripp starts this book with helping parents see where their greatest need lies in the parenting years: at their own heart.
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September 8, 2020Originally I gave this title 5 stars. I am revising my stars to zero.
The reason I am doing so is that since reading this title, several things about my faith journey and expression have changed and I no longer subscribe to evangelical ideologies.
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Great book. I mean, yes, I am a fan of the Tripp brothers so pretty much anything they write I like. But Paul Tripp's wisdom (and his brother Tedd) is so down-to-earth and biblical. It just makes sense on all sorts of levels.
So since the hub and I already a few years into the teens with our redheads I probably should have read this book a few years back but it is what it is and I certainly don't regret that and don't feel like it is "too late" now to implement any changes my heart picked up on while reading this book. Fortunately we both have a great relationship with our teens and they won't see us as hypocritical or inconsistent should we make some changes.
Tripp's book seems, at first read, like a lofty and unrealistic way to parent. As he aptly points out in the book, we have a hard time seeing how to get from where we are to where we want to be. But his counsel is not lofty nor unrealistic and if you have read Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp then chances are good that you are already parenting your teen in some biblical ways. This book is a great follow-up to that book by the other Tripp. Even without reading that book this Tripp's parenting counsel is still not lofty nor unrealistic because it is biblical and God's instructions are never lofty or unrealistic, we make them so because they rub against our flesh or they go against the flow of culture but they are not.
The counsel in this book is excellent, as a parent of two teens I appreciated the reminders, the exhortations, the new counsel I had never considered. I appreciated the encouragement that it is never too late to make changes in my parenting style. I appreciated Tripp's reminders of our teens and what kind of spiritual battles they are up against in today's culture. I was glad for his reminders, consistently, that we are also in need of the same attitude adjustments as perhaps or teens are - they we, as parents, are not exempt from needing a heart change and that it actually must come through us first.
In the first few pages of the book Tripp makes a statement that sums up the book's purpose well. "....we need to see our teenagers with the eyes of opportunity rather than eyes of dread and fear." (page 22) And the book is dedicated to showing parents how to make the most of the teen years and doing our job of raising up teens who love Jesus, want to serve and follow him, and work ourselves out of a job because our teens have become mature and responsible adults.
I really loved this book - I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend it to all parents of tweens and teens! And I highly recommend reading Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp as well - even if your kids are tweens or teens! Good stuff.
The reason I am doing so is that since reading this title, several things about my faith journey and expression have changed and I no longer subscribe to evangelical ideologies.
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Great book. I mean, yes, I am a fan of the Tripp brothers so pretty much anything they write I like. But Paul Tripp's wisdom (and his brother Tedd) is so down-to-earth and biblical. It just makes sense on all sorts of levels.
So since the hub and I already a few years into the teens with our redheads I probably should have read this book a few years back but it is what it is and I certainly don't regret that and don't feel like it is "too late" now to implement any changes my heart picked up on while reading this book. Fortunately we both have a great relationship with our teens and they won't see us as hypocritical or inconsistent should we make some changes.
Tripp's book seems, at first read, like a lofty and unrealistic way to parent. As he aptly points out in the book, we have a hard time seeing how to get from where we are to where we want to be. But his counsel is not lofty nor unrealistic and if you have read Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp then chances are good that you are already parenting your teen in some biblical ways. This book is a great follow-up to that book by the other Tripp. Even without reading that book this Tripp's parenting counsel is still not lofty nor unrealistic because it is biblical and God's instructions are never lofty or unrealistic, we make them so because they rub against our flesh or they go against the flow of culture but they are not.
The counsel in this book is excellent, as a parent of two teens I appreciated the reminders, the exhortations, the new counsel I had never considered. I appreciated the encouragement that it is never too late to make changes in my parenting style. I appreciated Tripp's reminders of our teens and what kind of spiritual battles they are up against in today's culture. I was glad for his reminders, consistently, that we are also in need of the same attitude adjustments as perhaps or teens are - they we, as parents, are not exempt from needing a heart change and that it actually must come through us first.
In the first few pages of the book Tripp makes a statement that sums up the book's purpose well. "....we need to see our teenagers with the eyes of opportunity rather than eyes of dread and fear." (page 22) And the book is dedicated to showing parents how to make the most of the teen years and doing our job of raising up teens who love Jesus, want to serve and follow him, and work ourselves out of a job because our teens have become mature and responsible adults.
I really loved this book - I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend it to all parents of tweens and teens! And I highly recommend reading Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp as well - even if your kids are tweens or teens! Good stuff.
August 21, 2025
Excellent! Filled with wisdom and biblical guidance. A must read and a must re-read for all parents of teenagers or soon to be teenagers.
April 17, 2014
This book is as much about parenting teens as it is learning how to shepherd our own hearts as parents. In this book, Tripp consistently gets to our heart conditions and attitudes with helpful illustrations and stories from his own family and pastoral experience. The gospel is always the solution and the goal of parenting is to persuade, plead, and instill in your teens a heart for God.
This book helps a parent really think through what is truly important in raising your children into adulthood so that you do not miss this golden opportunity to shepherd and guide your teens into a healthy and godly relationship with Christ.
This book is thoroughly biblical and very practical for helping you think through the bible's teaching on parenting teens before you have teenage children. It is easy to read and has a great balance between correcting a parent's wrong expectations with giving them so much hope and encouragement in Christ.
This is a must read for any Christian parent. I would strongly recommend reading this and thinking through biblical parenting of teens well before your children become teenagers.
This book helps a parent really think through what is truly important in raising your children into adulthood so that you do not miss this golden opportunity to shepherd and guide your teens into a healthy and godly relationship with Christ.
This book is thoroughly biblical and very practical for helping you think through the bible's teaching on parenting teens before you have teenage children. It is easy to read and has a great balance between correcting a parent's wrong expectations with giving them so much hope and encouragement in Christ.
This is a must read for any Christian parent. I would strongly recommend reading this and thinking through biblical parenting of teens well before your children become teenagers.
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