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The Racism of People Who Love You: Essays on Mixed Race Belonging
An unflinching look at the challenges and misunderstandings mixed-race people face in family spaces and intimate relationships across their varying cultural backgrounds
In this emotionally powerful and intellectually provocative blend of memoir, cultural criticism, and theory, scholar and essayist Samira Mehta reflects on many facets of being multiracial.
Born to a white American and a South Asian immigrant, Mehta grew up feeling more comfortable with her mother’s family than with her father’s—they never carried on conversations in languages that she couldn’t understand or blamed her for finding the food was too spicy. But in adulthood, she realized that some of her Indian family’s assumptions about the world had become an indelible part of her.
From this vantage point, Mehta tackles several topics in 7 essays around mixed-race identity:
· Where Are You Really From? A Triptych
· The Racism of People Who Love You
· Failing the Authenticity Test
· Meat Is Murder
· Mentorship
· Assimilation
· Another Face of American Racism
Popular belief assumes that mixedness gives you the ability to feel at home in more than one culture, but the flipside shows you can feel just as alienated in those spaces.
The Racism of People Who Love You lays bare the pain and the love, the blending of practices, assumptions, and the creation of a culture of hybrid identity.
208 pages, Hardcover
First published January 10, 2023
44 people are currently reading
3156 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 67 reviews
March 16, 2023
Definitely some stunners in here, but some misses for me as well. One essay on vegetarianism specifically missed the mark for me in terms of style.
Too bee fair, essay collections often are not my favorite.
Explanation of low rating despite some great essays below.
_____________
Anytime the author mentioned Boulder it made me queasy. I get that for the people who get to move here, it is a very privileged place. But there are severe class divides here. I remember needing to move out of an apartment because the price had been raised so much - the people moving in after us asked why we were moving and responded 'but that's so affordable! What do you expect living in Boulder?' These were two post docs who were moving here by choice. This a very painful memory for me, and I get the feeling the author might be someone to give a similar response. There is an assumption that there is a choice in where you get to live. It just highlights an economic divide and a misunderstanding of this part of the country.
At another point the author speaks about how it wasn't some grand privilege to go on a college roadtrip. This also just hit me the wrong way. Most people I grew up with don't have college degrees. I never got to go on a tour like that - even to local colleges - even to local community colleges. I was actively discouraged by my family from going to college, even though we lived so close to the very university this author now works at. I was told I should quit school and stay a fast food manager full time multiple times. It's just the class I was raised in. Wanting a degree was viewed as snooty and selfish by my family. And from my perspective - I felt like "what is she talking about???? That is something I would have loved to do. That IS a huge privilege that I wish I had. There is so much privilege right there that I didn't have and the author just dismissed it all like it was nothing" .
To know we are occupying the same space, but these class struggles are seemingly invisible to the author, is very painful to me. Especially from someone who is obviously thinking deeply about social justice. It seems that someone like me is not the intended audience for this book, because of my socioeconomic background.
I wanted to give this work more stars. I do think you should give this book a try. It's a betrayal to my community to rate this anything higher; The author seemed at best completely ignorant of these issues and at worse completely dismissive.
Too bee fair, essay collections often are not my favorite.
Explanation of low rating despite some great essays below.
_____________
Anytime the author mentioned Boulder it made me queasy. I get that for the people who get to move here, it is a very privileged place. But there are severe class divides here. I remember needing to move out of an apartment because the price had been raised so much - the people moving in after us asked why we were moving and responded 'but that's so affordable! What do you expect living in Boulder?' These were two post docs who were moving here by choice. This a very painful memory for me, and I get the feeling the author might be someone to give a similar response. There is an assumption that there is a choice in where you get to live. It just highlights an economic divide and a misunderstanding of this part of the country.
At another point the author speaks about how it wasn't some grand privilege to go on a college roadtrip. This also just hit me the wrong way. Most people I grew up with don't have college degrees. I never got to go on a tour like that - even to local colleges - even to local community colleges. I was actively discouraged by my family from going to college, even though we lived so close to the very university this author now works at. I was told I should quit school and stay a fast food manager full time multiple times. It's just the class I was raised in. Wanting a degree was viewed as snooty and selfish by my family. And from my perspective - I felt like "what is she talking about???? That is something I would have loved to do. That IS a huge privilege that I wish I had. There is so much privilege right there that I didn't have and the author just dismissed it all like it was nothing" .
To know we are occupying the same space, but these class struggles are seemingly invisible to the author, is very painful to me. Especially from someone who is obviously thinking deeply about social justice. It seems that someone like me is not the intended audience for this book, because of my socioeconomic background.
I wanted to give this work more stars. I do think you should give this book a try. It's a betrayal to my community to rate this anything higher; The author seemed at best completely ignorant of these issues and at worse completely dismissive.
February 23, 2023
This book opened my eyes to what racist behaviors I do as a non POC, without knowing that the behavior is racist.
The author presents her thoughts clearly and fairly. She is unbiased while also being biased. If books like White Fragility or How to Be an Antiracist intimidate you start with this book.
The author presents her thoughts clearly and fairly. She is unbiased while also being biased. If books like White Fragility or How to Be an Antiracist intimidate you start with this book.
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February 23, 2023As a mixed South Asian (with Jewish heritage) this book hit home in more ways than I could’ve known going in, making it a simultaneously thought-provoking and difficult read. I’ll be stewing on it for awhile!
July 10, 2023
This book is incredibly validating not only for mixed people like myself but for people of color experiencing racism at the hands of loved ones. Although I cannot connect to every point that was made because of the different identities that each mixed person holds, I loved learning more about how to articulate my own experience while also getting an inside look into the experience of another mixed person!
My favorite point for white people to consider: instead of being upset/annoyed with marginalized communities for voicing their outrage with oppression, why not channel that annoyance to the oppression itself?
My favorite point for white people to consider: instead of being upset/annoyed with marginalized communities for voicing their outrage with oppression, why not channel that annoyance to the oppression itself?
July 7, 2023
I was disappointed in this collection of deeply specific and personal essays for the lack of broader application. While occasionally the prose was eloquent yet succinct, typically each chapter would meander in and out of boring recollections of family relationships tangentially related to the title.
Mehta succeeds most when focusing on the relationship between her ethnicity and how she is viewed societally, specifically in the differences between assumption and reality.
For example, "I also did not know that vegetarianism was associated with caste until I was in my forties; because my knowledge of how to be Indian is so tightly tied to my family, I do not have a broad range of caste practices for comparison. Essentially, on some level, for me, a blended heritage means that I do not know what aspects of my cultural makeup come from where, and I also often do not know what they mean." And later, "I do not want to tell you that I am Indian in part because the culture that I bring to the table is rarely Indian...All my life, I have associated my sense of not being Indian enough with my halfness, with the fact that 50 percent of my genes come from the British Isles, France, and Germany, and with the fact that my mother called many of the shots and created much of the cultural context."
Quotes I found worthwhile:
“I really do think that when white people ask me where I am ‘really’ from, they are asking from a place of well-intentioned curiosity. They really do, somehow, feel that knowing my heritage will help them know me better, connect with me better. But what they are really doing, whether they realize it, is trying to control my story, how I tell it, and at what speed I tell it.”
“It was that, because they were white, they did not think about race at all. They saw race as irrelevant, and from the position of their white privilege, assumed that since they did not care about her race, no one else would either.”
“If a well-meaning liberal or progressive person loves someone across a racial line…it is hard for them to see that our interactions are, at least at times, shaped by that racial line and its power dynamics. It is hard for them to see…that these interactions, with people who loved me, who were invested in me, were also shaped by systemic racism.”
“I am deliberately drawing a distinction between the actions that people take and their essences--we all do racist things, we are all implicated and shaped, in our unconscious, by the systems that govern our society. My goal here is not to demonize people, but to parse out the harm that the inability to see racism does to people of color in white families.”
“Because microaggressions are often so small as to be invisible to the white viewer, when you try to articulate microaggressions, they hear whining. This does several things to the mixed race child, leaning on their white relatives for support as they navigate a racist world. First, it creates failures of understanding. The non-white child learns that stories of micro-aggression will be treated as whining and be punished, and so she stops bringing home those stories. The white parent, grandparent, or other family member has no experience navigating the world as a person of color and so they do not know what the child is going through.”
Mehta succeeds most when focusing on the relationship between her ethnicity and how she is viewed societally, specifically in the differences between assumption and reality.
For example, "I also did not know that vegetarianism was associated with caste until I was in my forties; because my knowledge of how to be Indian is so tightly tied to my family, I do not have a broad range of caste practices for comparison. Essentially, on some level, for me, a blended heritage means that I do not know what aspects of my cultural makeup come from where, and I also often do not know what they mean." And later, "I do not want to tell you that I am Indian in part because the culture that I bring to the table is rarely Indian...All my life, I have associated my sense of not being Indian enough with my halfness, with the fact that 50 percent of my genes come from the British Isles, France, and Germany, and with the fact that my mother called many of the shots and created much of the cultural context."
Quotes I found worthwhile:
“I really do think that when white people ask me where I am ‘really’ from, they are asking from a place of well-intentioned curiosity. They really do, somehow, feel that knowing my heritage will help them know me better, connect with me better. But what they are really doing, whether they realize it, is trying to control my story, how I tell it, and at what speed I tell it.”
“It was that, because they were white, they did not think about race at all. They saw race as irrelevant, and from the position of their white privilege, assumed that since they did not care about her race, no one else would either.”
“If a well-meaning liberal or progressive person loves someone across a racial line…it is hard for them to see that our interactions are, at least at times, shaped by that racial line and its power dynamics. It is hard for them to see…that these interactions, with people who loved me, who were invested in me, were also shaped by systemic racism.”
“I am deliberately drawing a distinction between the actions that people take and their essences--we all do racist things, we are all implicated and shaped, in our unconscious, by the systems that govern our society. My goal here is not to demonize people, but to parse out the harm that the inability to see racism does to people of color in white families.”
“Because microaggressions are often so small as to be invisible to the white viewer, when you try to articulate microaggressions, they hear whining. This does several things to the mixed race child, leaning on their white relatives for support as they navigate a racist world. First, it creates failures of understanding. The non-white child learns that stories of micro-aggression will be treated as whining and be punished, and so she stops bringing home those stories. The white parent, grandparent, or other family member has no experience navigating the world as a person of color and so they do not know what the child is going through.”
June 28, 2023
Some of the essay points are interesting but overall, I came away feeling like the author doesn’t love herself and that she’s really hard/tough on the people in her life. I didn’t have high expectations going into this memoir(?) but I did think it was going to have a tone similar to So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo. I recommend the latter instead.
September 7, 2025
probably closer to 3.5- while these essays were distinctly about the author’s experience w being mixed race, a lot of this resonated w me as someone who grew up in a predominantly white space. i felt like they struck a good balance between logical reasoning/academia and emotion. some essays stronger than others but overall helpful and entertaining thought pieces on how racial identity intertwines with cultural upbringing
February 14, 2023
As a mixed race person, I'm so so glad that this book exists. It is difficult to process mixed race identity, and at times it is very painful. These essays made me laugh and cry, but most importantly they made me feel seen. I'm looking forward to sharing this book with the people I love.
I received an ALC from Libro.
I received an ALC from Libro.
August 5, 2023
Parts of this book are interesting but they are so frustrating to find. The author talks in circles and it feels more like someone trying to brainstorm ideas than complete, thought-through ideas.
May 25, 2024
4.5, rounded down
This is an excellent collection of essays that show careful deliberation and wider insights. Written at a level that's accessible yet with depth and critical thought. I like that Mehta is aware of and acknowledges of the biases that may shape her view, rather than centering her experience as the definitive one. Some of the essays are stronger than others but overall a must read for anyone interested in the dynamics of race in today's world.
This is an excellent collection of essays that show careful deliberation and wider insights. Written at a level that's accessible yet with depth and critical thought. I like that Mehta is aware of and acknowledges of the biases that may shape her view, rather than centering her experience as the definitive one. Some of the essays are stronger than others but overall a must read for anyone interested in the dynamics of race in today's world.
July 11, 2025
Couldn’t make myself finish the last two chapters - life is short. My feeling is she had to write a book to get tenure, but she didn’t actually have any new ideas. Kind of a racism 201 feel, where she takes other works, ideas and applies them to how white women wear saris. How that is publishable I don’t know.
In the beginning, even when I felt her perspective was driven by a general unkindness to others and stubborn refusal to examine her own failings, I wanted to keep reading because of our similar parentage and how rarely I get to read works about out experiences.
In the end, I can’t recommend.
In the beginning, even when I felt her perspective was driven by a general unkindness to others and stubborn refusal to examine her own failings, I wanted to keep reading because of our similar parentage and how rarely I get to read works about out experiences.
In the end, I can’t recommend.
January 23, 2023
In this excellently written new book Samira describes the complicated relationship between the people who love you and racism. She does so with nuance, humor, and deep honesty. It is a beautiful insight into the tensions, complications, and dynamics of her experience living in the US as a child of a white American mother and an Indian immigrant father. I learned a lot from this book and highly recommend it. I will be giving this one to family and friends, it should be required reading!
January 18, 2023
Interesting. Some essays are stronger than others. I really enjoyed the vegetarianism chapter. The discussion regarding cultural capital was particularly good.
August 11, 2025
some v good points made, some things i never considered about the diaspora exp for mixed race pplz esp when i was younger.
sometimes the writing felt rly long and didn’t get to the point fast enough for me and it was easier to audiobook than read. i wish some of the stories were broken up instead of embedded in one big essay but everyone deserves to dissect things as much as they want!
sometimes the writing felt rly long and didn’t get to the point fast enough for me and it was easier to audiobook than read. i wish some of the stories were broken up instead of embedded in one big essay but everyone deserves to dissect things as much as they want!
June 26, 2023
I devoured this book. As a biracial woman this book was an exquisite discussion on all the internal conflicts, the essence of the confusion and hurt caused by racism and authenticity policing. A lifetime of things I've never had the vocabulary for, now I do.
May 11, 2024
Probably closer to 2.5.
February 9, 2023
An insightful, raw, complex look at the many facets of racism and authenticity policing someone of mixed race encounters from both sides of their heritage. This book forced me to confront things I hadn’t previously thought of as racist or problematic. I’ve never asked someone “where they’re from” in that way, but I am guilty of other thoughtless statements. I was drawn in by the way she weaves all these threads that make up who we are and how we perceive ourselves. The perfectly logical way a child might confuse a Jewish Deli with Delhi. Or how the complex, sometimes brutal, geopolitical history of a region can further complicate the already muddled idea of ‘where you’re from’
This is a must-read for anyone who would care to learn more about the inner thoughts, struggles, and realities of growing up with a mixed race background. I highly recommend it to everyone and especially those who enjoy memoirs, learning more about someone else's experience and those seeking to learn more about South Asian culture. I'm sure I'll read this again and again in the coming years.
This is a must-read for anyone who would care to learn more about the inner thoughts, struggles, and realities of growing up with a mixed race background. I highly recommend it to everyone and especially those who enjoy memoirs, learning more about someone else's experience and those seeking to learn more about South Asian culture. I'm sure I'll read this again and again in the coming years.
February 18, 2023
The last two chapters of this book were more of what I wanted from the book when I got it. But, reflecting on it, the whole book was well done and important.
July 21, 2023
I gave this book five stars for important content, and because I wasn’t sure how to rate it in general. I could relate to a lot of the stories she mentions in here, and have had similar conversations throughout my life. Oof.
February 11, 2023
This is an important, beautifully written collection that made me think deeply throughout and laugh out loud often. Samira Mehta tackles a complicated subject with the perfect mix of academic background, social context, and raw personal honesty. I love this book.
February 11, 2023
4.5 stars
Wow. This is the first audiobook that I've ever added bookmarks to. Genuinely a phenomenal read and I found myself nodding throughout, relating in part or in whole with Samira's experiences.
Wow. This is the first audiobook that I've ever added bookmarks to. Genuinely a phenomenal read and I found myself nodding throughout, relating in part or in whole with Samira's experiences.
March 14, 2024
some good ideas but jumbled together with a lot of random asides and anecdotes. wish it was more coherently focused on mixed identity as advertised.
November 27, 2023
This is a knockout of a book. Occasional dips into academic-speak that were harder for me to follow, but WHOA this is a beautifully structured set of essays that will leave me really pondering for a long while. Mehta lays out early in the book, "..it is hard for them to see that our interactions are, at least at times, shaped by that racial line and its power dynamics. It is hard for them to see, and therefore was hard for me to learn to see, and to name, that these interactions, with people who loved me, who were invested in me, were also shaped by systemic racism.
It is hard to know what to do when the racism is present in your private space, your home, your family.
I am deliberately drawing a distinction between the actions that people take and their essences- -we all do racist things, we are all implicated and shaped, in our unconscious, by the systems that govern our society. My goal here is not to demonize people, but to parse out the harm that the inability to see racism does to people of color in white families, and to see what racism does to the relationships, valued by both people of color and their white families. In the same way that I would argue, as a feminist, that patriarchy hurts men, not as much as it hurts women and nonbinary people, but in real and substantial ways, unexamined systemic racism hurts white people, perhaps particularly those who want to be in loving relationship with people of color."
The author touches on many topics across the essays in her book, and one of the essays that I just keep returning to is her discussion of cultural exchange vs. cultural appropriation and the ways that power are central to distinguishing between the two. She touches on yoga, vegetarianism, ethnic restaurants and more. It's worth the price of the book alone. Can't wait for more by Mehta!
It is hard to know what to do when the racism is present in your private space, your home, your family.
I am deliberately drawing a distinction between the actions that people take and their essences- -we all do racist things, we are all implicated and shaped, in our unconscious, by the systems that govern our society. My goal here is not to demonize people, but to parse out the harm that the inability to see racism does to people of color in white families, and to see what racism does to the relationships, valued by both people of color and their white families. In the same way that I would argue, as a feminist, that patriarchy hurts men, not as much as it hurts women and nonbinary people, but in real and substantial ways, unexamined systemic racism hurts white people, perhaps particularly those who want to be in loving relationship with people of color."
The author touches on many topics across the essays in her book, and one of the essays that I just keep returning to is her discussion of cultural exchange vs. cultural appropriation and the ways that power are central to distinguishing between the two. She touches on yoga, vegetarianism, ethnic restaurants and more. It's worth the price of the book alone. Can't wait for more by Mehta!
February 27, 2023
one of the rare times a book suffers for being too - short -. mehta starts in a rather unique position, considered a new englander up front (she hooked me at new haven pizza), her south asian/white biracial ethnicity secondary to conversation, ivy league education, and climbing the ladder of academia without any immediate role models similar enough to herself; then there's the layer of converting to judaism which fulfills a spiritual need, but can still clash culturally. her discussion on the ethics of meat and animal products was interesting, namely vegetarianism within a caste system. a good point was also made in regards to people of different ethnicity joining more singular/predominant religions, namely talking white people, how the religion may be useful, yes, but also confused as "pure," since no one else in a white family practices the participant's choice, they aren't subjected to the sexism, homophobia, etc. of family members practicing the same religion, - every - religion has bigoted members, not seeing them or having reference of them (yet?) in essence is a form of privilege, not seeing the full picture (practicing buddhism solo, this gave me a lot to think about). now for the difficult part -- it felt like mehta was holding back at times, we could have easily read another hundred pages or so. while her situation is unique, there was a more general tone and description to the writing, the less memoir-ish stuff wasn't saying anything new, if decidedly going the essay route, i was hoping for more combative ideas. mehta has my attention moving forward, though.
March 29, 2023
Mehta's skillfully written collection of essays does not offer a quick read, nor should it, considering the topic, which I found fascinating. While most of us understand the concept of the (far too) common brand of racism based in hate, suspicion, and ignorance, not many grasp the type of racism that is Mehta’s focus. Book clubs will find much to discuss, from discoveries of new terminology, to how each individual in a mixed-race family may struggle in a different way with the concept of identity (when they are asked, “But where are you really from?) My favorite essay discusses the concept of authenticity and goes beyond how a mixed-race person struggles with that idea, to consider the performative aspects of gender and whether one is allowed to critique aspects of one’s own culture that one doesn’t understand. Her example of the fact that in India, tourists are charged one price for entry to attractions, and “authentic” Indians another well proves her point. When her family visited, although her father is Indian, because he dressed in his adopted American garb, he is charged the higher price. Mehta’s honest and sincere tone supports her genuine search for ways to help those who care for her understand the ways in which they are racist.
January 16, 2024
I'm so conflicted with this one. While I found the perspective of most of the essays interesting, I did find myself disagreeing with a lot of what was said. I can certainly feel the tone of some of the topics covered though, and don't exactly feel right saying the author is wrong or right in their experience. As a mixed person myself, I do share a lot of the sentiments, but maybe to a lesser degree (or maybe I just haven't reflected as much as Samira Mehta has on these things).
She did lose me in the Meat is Murder chapter solely because it felt like a lot of assumptions disguised as observations. Again, I can hear the anxiety a lot of her experiences have brought out in that chapter in particular, and, I guess, feel that may be part of why the voice in which it was told didn't feel as observational as she was intending.
I don't think I would read this one again, but definitely found a lot of the topics covered very interesting! Whether I agreed with the perspective or not also showed how racism and microaggressions are very subtle and different for every individual experience, even with the people you love most.
She did lose me in the Meat is Murder chapter solely because it felt like a lot of assumptions disguised as observations. Again, I can hear the anxiety a lot of her experiences have brought out in that chapter in particular, and, I guess, feel that may be part of why the voice in which it was told didn't feel as observational as she was intending.
I don't think I would read this one again, but definitely found a lot of the topics covered very interesting! Whether I agreed with the perspective or not also showed how racism and microaggressions are very subtle and different for every individual experience, even with the people you love most.
May 19, 2023
This is my first essay collection and first nonfiction book specifically about being mixed race and mixed race belonging. While some parts of the essays diverted into tangents that lost me a bit, overall, I related to a lot of this book and the author was able to encapsulate what it feels like to be a part of two worlds but never truly belonging to either. I've never really been able to articulate this experience to anyone because I don't have friends or family who are mixed that can relate to this feeling of being in limbo that has followed me around all my life. Listening to this book was the first time I heard someone else talk about their experiences of being mixed and I felt like she was taking all of my thoughts and putting them into words. I don't this book particularly healed or fixed anything about how I see the world/how the world sees me but it validated that I'm not alone in feeling what I feel and this book will stick with me as I continue to find my place within both the worlds I belong to.
April 10, 2023
Samira Mehta shares her lived experiences of growing up in a culture that has difficulty seeing past her skin color. This book contains essays about her experiences in the words people said to her. This book is a must read for everyone as it gives insight as to how intent vs. impact plays out in the life of someone who is constantly asked about their families origins.
I appreciate Samira sharing her thoughts, emotions, and relationships on how well intentioned people can truly hurt someone with their words. My copy of the book is highlighted and post it note marked with statements that made me think. From grappling with her own identity and sharing the impact of comments from people who loved her the most, Samira has shared her perspective and feelings. To quote Rudine Sims Bishop, this book gave me several window moments where I could look into Samira‘s experiences and learn how my words and actions can impact someone.
I appreciate Samira sharing her thoughts, emotions, and relationships on how well intentioned people can truly hurt someone with their words. My copy of the book is highlighted and post it note marked with statements that made me think. From grappling with her own identity and sharing the impact of comments from people who loved her the most, Samira has shared her perspective and feelings. To quote Rudine Sims Bishop, this book gave me several window moments where I could look into Samira‘s experiences and learn how my words and actions can impact someone.
June 21, 2023
As a mixed race person (White and African American), I could identify with a lot of the writings in this book. Samira K. Mehta identified and gave clarity to experiences and feelings for which I had never before found a vocabulary. The very specificity of her vocabulary made me very aware that although we each may share just a few or many personal traits, our experiences and our personal cultures (home, extended family, school, workplace, community) inform our interactions with one another. Because I have almost no prior knowledge of any kind of South Asian life, it was sometimes difficult to extract meaning from references to specific holiday and cultural traditions that obviously informed her own experience. But her exploration of racism does give a focused view of the "hidden in plain sight" nature of racism and how difficult it can be to recognize it in one's everyday interactions.
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