Daughter: A Memoir

by Alda Sigmundsdóttir

As a young girl, Alda Sigmundsdóttir yearns to be close to her beautiful, distant mother, yet is never able to win her affection. When her parents divorce, a dark symbiosis between mother and daughter is forged, with devastating consequences that threaten to derail everything—especially Alda's chance at intimacy and love.

In this searingly honest memoir, the author of the beloved "Little Books" on Iceland tells the story of a childhood marred by trauma, the denial she employed to survive, and the struggle to regain her authentic self. In unpacking her personal history, Alda discovers the elusive nature of truth and its indispensable part in making us free. Inspiring, touching and brave, this book speaks to anyone who values emotional freedom and longs to break away from the destructive patterns of the past.

Genres: Canada, Memoir, Nonfiction

264 pages, Paperback

Published April 5, 2022

Reviews

[Amy Clifton · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was invited to be an ARC reader of this book and am glad I volunteered. This book grabbed me from the first page. I’ve followed Alda’s writing career since I first moved to Iceland over 20 years ago and have always appreciated her honesty, candor and easy flowing writing style. This book is the story of the author’s early childhood and coming of age in Iceland and Canada and the impact of growing up with a narcissistic parent. There has been much written recently about the trauma of childhood physical and sexual abuse, but perhaps not enough about the insidious effect of daily psychologic abuse which leave no apparent scars on a child’s body. In this book, the author captures the constant tension, sense of insecurity, self-doubt and self-hatred that festers and grows inside a child when a parent is, at best, not emotionally present and, at worst, actively abusive. The author’s childhood is disrupted first by her parents’ separation when she was 5 years old, and subsequently by her mother leaving Iceland with her for extended stays in Canada and Cyprus, back to Iceland and then ultimately to settle in Canada when the author was 10 years old. Thus, she was uprooted not only from her father and grandparents, but also from her culture. Most of the book focuses on how the author coped with these circumstances within the context of a complex, disturbing and co-dependent relationship with her mother and fear and loathing of her stepfather. Her childhood attempts to “be good” at home, to fit in at school, to be invisible in social situation and to hide her feelings at all costs morph into acting out during her teenage years with sex, drugs and alcohol which eventually lead to a breakdown. Finally, we read of her journey from despair to balance with the help of psychotherapy and a move back to Iceland where she reconnects with her father and her cultural roots.
This book is very well written, honest and extremely relatable. In my family the narcissist was my father. I identified strongly with the emotions and behaviors the author describes of growing up in a dysfunctional family. At times it was painful for me to be reminded of experiences in my own childhood that caused such similar emotions. But in the end, the book delivers a message of hope for growth and recovery.

[Nancy J. Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautifully written memoir about the life of author Alda Sigmundsdottir. I have followed her writing for decades, way back when she was writing, "The Icelandic Weather Report." Her "Little Books" of Icelandic heritage are a treasure.

While she was born in Iceland, and lives there now, her growing-up years were scattered between Iceland, Canada, Germany, Cyprus and the United Kingdom.

The book covers her life as a young child through early adulthood. Some horrific things that happen to her, but her writing calls neither for you to view her with pity nor heroism. It's a tightrope to walk and she does it beautifully. I read the entire book over the course of two evenings because I couldn't put it down.

The only thing I disliked is that I wanted more of it. I wanted to know what happened from the point the book ended until today. That said, it may be that I am such a fan of hers that I just wanted more. The book doesn't seem unfinished; I'm just greedy.

Overall it was a wonderful, heartfelt read containing both tragedy and triumph; I highly recommend it.

[Vanessza · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the opportunity to read this book as an ARC reader - I hereby thank the author again for sending a copy of this memoir.

Before summarizing my impressions of the story, I'd like to highlight the exquisite use of language in this book, it's such a delight to read - even when the plot is anything but easy.

If you know Alda through her writing (and if not, I highly recommend to read her work), it's clear she's very intelligent and witty, someone who comes across as a really interesting and fun person you'd surely enjoy to hang out with. In her memoir, she tells with admirable vulnerability and honesty how hard she had to fight to become the healthy and grounded woman she is today.

Reading the book felt like someone is going through old photographs and reliving moments from the past, except sadly - without giving too much away - that giddy, nostalgic and joyfol feeling we associate with this activity is painfully rare in this story.
This book is a memento of a young girl's astonishing yet gruelling fight to step out into the light, to break free from the iron grip of her demons, inflicted upon her by the person who should have been the epitome of unconditional love and safety - her mother.

I think it is of paramount importance to break the taboo and stigma surrounding mental health and the traumatizing effect psychological abuse has on children and people in general. We should not turn away, we should not sweep the topic under the carpet, we should not belittle it - society really needs to truly see these people and use any chance to lend a helping hand.
In my opinion Alda's book is not only an intimate and raw insight into her life, but also a beautiful and curageous act of giving a voice to trauma victims and survivors who can't yet speak for themselves.

[Liset T · Rating 5 out of 5]

A beautifully written memoir and a painfully recognizable story. Many thanks to the author for being able to express her insights so beautifully without portraying herself as a victim. Very inspiring!

My two favorite phrases from the book: ‘Speaking truth to them is like throwing holy water on a demon. It will hiss and spit and writhe and lunge and seek to destroy.’

[Cara · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have read all of Alda Sigmundsdottir's books so when I found out she was writing a memoir I eagerly awaited the release! And I was not disappointed once I was able to read the book. I was intrigued and hooked within the first couple pages and had a hard time putting it down once I started. Alda was able to look back on events of her life with such clarity, and communicate them so well. As a memoir, it was an interesting read and really made me think about my own growing up and formative memories, but then the book turned into something even more valuable than just a memoir. Alda describes the work she did through therapy as an adult and shared the insights she had into her childhood trauma and how those things affected her life and mental health in such a brilliant way. It was almost like reading a self-help book. I felt like I got my own therapy through reading her journey of self-discovery and working through things. I found this book to be so enlightening and also a comfort to people who have endured similar types of relationships in their formative years. Highly recommend to those who also were raised by people with personality disorders or disfunction, as well as those who didn't.

[Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best and best-written memoirs I’ve ever read. Alda Sigmundsdóttir perfectly balances showing and telling “Daughter,” her story of emotional abandonment and recovery, in clear and beautiful prose. She displays remarkable insight, gained through therapy and her own hard emotional work, into not only her own behavior but also that of her abusers, toward whom she displays not so much anger but sadness for the traumas that they, too, experienced, tempered with the recognition that we all make choices that determine whether we follow healthy or unhealthy life journeys. This short but powerful book should be read by anyone who wants to know what emotional abuse feels like to a small child, adolescent, and young adult; anyone who has ever been hurt, puzzled by, or judgmental of another’s abusive or dissonant behavior; anyone who suffers from depression or anxiety; and anyone who wonders or doubts how therapy can help. (I think we all fall into at least one of those categories.)

I’ve been reading and following the author on social media for a couple of decades, ever since I found her blog, “The Iceland Weather Report,” and short-lived column in The Guardian as the correspondent from Iceland. I joined a Facebook group she set up for advance reader volunteers and received a free advance Kindle copy in exchange for agreeing to write a review. I would have bought and read her book anyway—her writing is so enjoyable and incisive—and I enjoyed it so much that I will be buying copies to give as gifts.

[Jana Skalova · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had a fantastic opportunity to become ARC reader for this memoire and I'm very grateful. It does not affect my view of the book.

I expected this book to be very readable from previous experiences with Alda's writing and it did not disappoint. This reads like a beautiful story. I wanted to hug young Alda so often! It was heartbreaking to read what she went through, but I'm also very happy that she came out the other side and is doing much better. I also really appreciate the way she wrote about the people in her life, even her mother who caused her so much grief. She is never mean when talking about anyone. At worst it sounded matter-0f-factly. I heard in it how much she wanted to understand and how much she understands now. Alda manages to explain her younger self's feelings so that we feel with her, but also manages to look at it from her adult perspective, now that she understands better what was going on.

I cried while reading it. Even though it is often sad, it is written beautifully and gives hope for all of us. We are not alone.

[Kittie Meehan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a beautifully written memoir that is both heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time. I heartily recommend it to anyone who wants to read a story of resilience, strength, and ultimately survival. You will not be disappointed!

I read Daughter after reading Alda’s “little books” about Iceland prior to a trip there in 2018. Her voice and perspective on Iceland and its culture, people, customs, politics (and more) is unique and deeply insightful in that she is Icelandic by birth, but has lived abroad for a significant portion of her life.

So, I assumed (my mistake) that I would be reading a memoir of a glamorous and possibly posh life of travel throughout Europe and North America. My assumption was just that, an assumption grounded in my imagination and not in reality. As I am not keen on spoilers, I will just say that Alda’s childhood will resonate with anyone who has struggled to find their voice, their truth, their place. And that is exactly what makes Daughter such a satisfying, meaningful read.

NB: I was provided an ARC of Daughter in exchange for an honest and unbiased review which is exactly what this is.

[Doug Simonton · Rating 5 out of 5]

A powerful read…an engaging, honest, no holds barred look at a lifetime of dysfunction that ultimately leads to well-deserved redemption. Anyone who has (or who is) experiencing family dysfunction will benefit from this book and realize they aren’t alone.

[Nancy Ross · Rating 5 out of 5]

Alda lived a brutal childhood. This is the story of her survival and triumph.

Alda was not really wanted by either parent although it seemed she was wanted at times, she was always let down. Devastation! She was forced to become an adult as child. This book describes how she navigated the unbelievable challenges thrown at her and how she overcame and triumphed due to sheer resilience and will although the pain would follow her through out her life.

She writes in a style that made me feel as if I were there living her life with her. I could feel, smell and see all that was around her. Vivid description and no wasted words.

“ I struggled to process the awful emotions that were beginning to build up in me: frustration, anger, panic, doom, and a horrendous sense of being trapped. I had hoped to escape to my fathers care, but now even that avenue was closed.”
She was 14!!
“ At the age of 17 I owned my own house, drove my own car, had my own credit cards, balanced my own check book, managed my own tenants, did my own shopping, cooking, laundry, all while getting top grades in school.” And holding down three jobs!

Who does this to a child?

Come along for an amazing heartbreaking ride that will have you clutching your throat, crying and cheering and wishing this woman well deserved love and peace.

[Dawn McMaster · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read and very much enjoyed this well written and compelling book. It was an emotionally difficult book because of the suffering that was experienced and yet uplifting at the same time. The author worked hard to overcome the trauma inflicted on her young psyche and so deserves the happiness and success that she has achieved. Definitely a worthwhile read in order to understand how children are harmed when they aren’t allowed meaningful relationships with adults who should be protecting them and the gruelling work it takes to recover as a result.

[Julie Haigh · Rating 4 out of 5]

An emotional telling of difficult times.

This is a good easy read. A memoir through childhood and coming of age. Alda feels her mother barely notices her, she craves her attention. With her father it’s different. But when she’s 5, there's a big change. Will he be leaving?

As well as family disruption, there's also travel in this memoir. From Iceland, to Canada, to Cyprus.

After the split, her mother becomes bitter, angry, and doesn't treat her with patience. She becomes constantly afraid that she'll upset her mum, and set off her anger and temper.

An emotional telling of difficult times, and there's also happy memories at her grandparents'.

Very good book.

[Karla · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoirs aren't usually the type of thing I read, but I've read most of Alda's other books and really enjoyed them, so when I was given the opportunity to read an ARC of this book, I figured why not try a new genre? Well, I'm glad I did for a number of reasons.

The writing itself is beautifully crafted, making the book a gripping read. The story is poignant, and I frequently found myself thinking "what next?" and "how the heck did she survive all of this and end up a well-adjusted adult?", among other things.

But the biggest reason I am glad I read it is probably because as someone who deals with mental illness stemming from childhood trauma herself, it makes me extremely happy to see another person talking about it publicly, and talking about what it took to deal with it after the fact. I'm in my mid-40s and still trying to deal with it, and don't see everything being resolved anytime soon. While the details are mostly vastly different between Alda's story and mine, I can't help but see little similarities all over the place, to the point that I actually got some ideas for helping with my own recovery from this book.

Definitely a book I will recommend to others.

[Katie Bond · Rating 5 out of 5]

It takes tremendous courage to revisit and process our past traumas; however, Alda leans into the experience with authenticity and vulnerability. Her story includes some common characteristics of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). CPTSD is a relatively recent understanding of trauma in that it validates and includes those people who have experienced a great deal of stress and/or neglect that may be shrouded in manipulation and gaslighting, wreaking just as much damage, and sometimes more, due to it’s invisibility. I also appreciated Alda’s glimpse of her work with her therapist. Along with increased insight comes increased anxiety, which many times will lead us right back into our unhealthy coping skills when not processed and experienced “with” someone who provides the space and mirroring needed to find our “true selves.”

[Linda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I normally do not read memoirs but I was given a once in a lifetime opportunity to read this book as an ARC reader and I am very happy that I did. I have read a few of Alda's books and I was expecting a book to grab my attention from the very first paragraph and I wasn't disappointed.

As I began reading the first chapter, I was immediately drawn into her life story. Alda's descriptive way of writing made me feel as if I was in her story.

As a mother myself, I kept wondering how her mother, who is supposed to love and support her daughter, do these things without any remorse. Why would a mother keep making poor choices ultimately to destroy their relationship? But, as you will find out later, this was impossible why she couldn't put Alda's life first in her life. How much can a child endure being taken from her family and brought to live in another country. Promises were made and promises were broken.

Learn about Alda's struggles and how she was finally able to come to terms with her mother's lack of love. Her words are both powerful and moving.

Alda ends her book with several lines with inspirational words directed to anyone who may or may not have had a narcissistic parent.

Daughter: A Memoir is one book you do not want to miss; you will not be disappointed.

[Robin Blackburn · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an engaging yet painful memoir!

I read this memoir as an Advanced Copy from the author and am so glad I did. Usually I fly through books but here I wanted to let it percolate, let myself absorb it completely, and understand how the author not only survived a miserable and lonely childhood and a Personality Disordered mother, but achieved so much more than mere survival.

This book details the authors quest for her authentic self; not many of us would have survived the multiple country moves and the parental interference that Sigmundsdottir lived through let alone be able to write about it.

As usual, the writing is not purple. Relatively plainly-spoken, the prose suits the story, and help make this an enjoyable read, especially when the subject matter is not pleasant.

Very glad to have read this memoir and commend the author on not just lifting herself from her nightmare but thriving so well she was able to write this book.

[Ian Hefele · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very wonderful, poignant, sometimes sad, yet surprisingly hopeful read.

I've been following Alda's writing since my first trip to Iceland in 2012. I especially appreciate hearing from the perspective of the child in a parent-child relationship. My husband and I just finalized an adoption of two siblings who came from a home with very narcissistic parents as well. I appreciated the glimpse into how narcissism affects a childhood experience.

Alda's writing is a brave retelling of coming to terms with the life one's given and I'm very appreciative of the opportunity to come along for the journey. I know I'll be coming back to this book again and again as my own daughter grows up - Alda's honesty in the writing has affected my parenting almost from page 1. I cheered for her wins and wanted to hug her on her lows, but thankful she prevailed in order to write about it for the rest of us. I will be purchasing more "Little Books" next time I'm in Iceland.

[Erica Bennett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This memoir is so powerful and thought-provoking. I'm grateful to Alda for having the courage to put her story to paper, and to let her readers share in the journey with her. Just like each of her previous books, from the moment I started this one I couldn't put it down. Though this is an altogether different reading experience than Alda's "Little Books" on Iceland, I appreciated getting this window into the formative years of one of my favorite authors. Those that have shared experiences of abuse and childhood trauma will feel solidarity and draw strength from young Alda's fight for her self identity. Those without these painful backgrounds will appreciate the sheer strength it takes to break the cycle of abuse.

I cannot wait to add the print version of this memoir to my bookshelf.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Deeply poignant, yet triumphantly cathartic! From her troubling childhood, into early adulthood, Alda shares with us her longing for a life of normalcy, not only parental acceptance, but the love and nurturing every child needs and deserves.
With dogged determination, she peeled away the layers of her heartbreaking past, opening up painful, emotional wounds, in order to heal her debilitating anxiety.
I applaud her strength and courage in writing this intensely personal memoir.

[Maja · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic read

What an amazing story to share with the world.

So much emotional pain but so well written and truly powerful.

Thank you for writing your book, Alda.

[Dawn Odenwald · Rating 5 out of 5]

They say we are all living in various states of disfunction, I think what Alda manages in her memoir is to show us that within the family unit each member can experience events and circumstances very differently. The abuse was subtle, her family is always sort of ‘right there’ but unreachable. Parents seemingly just moving on from her to new lives that they forgot to include her in. No real roots in Iceland or Canada. Sadly finding this all out slowly, painfully one lie and broken promise at a time.

While on one hand I felt so impressed by Alda’s independence and resiliency – as her family and friends would seem to view her – when she was really crumbling, barely holding it all together, on the other I found my self worried for her, sad as each new realization hit, surprised she didn’t fall to a darker place.

I’ve read a few memoirs, and am always very aware while I read them that this is someone’s truth that also exposes other peoples stories.
Alda takes a very real risk in telling HER story from her perspective, its uncomfortable to read at times knowing that these other ‘characters’ may be hearing her version of her life for the first time.

Daughter feels very matter of fact, unembellished, neither over or understating the circumstances of the life that was inflicted on her by her parents.

Written without feeling vindictive or blaming the reader can share in the catharsis of the story no matter if you’ve shared a similar childhood experience or not.

[Michela · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being a bookworm and a big fan of Alda and her Little Books, I jumped at the opportunity of reading her latest book before release!

“Daughter” tells the necessary story of a survivor of emotional abuse, of an uprooted but resourceful child and teenager who manages to summon enough strength to find her own way through the rubble of a broken family and emerge upright.

I am grateful to Alda for telling her story, it required great courage. I hope it reaches all the people it can help.

The story is thought-provoking; the words however did not allow me to feel Alda’s feelings, to share her suffering and participate in her struggle while reading. The prose, in fact, is very factual, and in my opinion not powerful enough to fully convey the emotional depths of the main character. Yet, I wanted to know more, especially about how Alda was able to break the cycle when she became a mother herself and avoided repeating the same damaging mistakes raising her own child. Alda does not share this part of her experience unfortunately. I think that adding this to the book would have given it more structure and balance; it would have given the reader a sense of closure and completeness, which I missed.

Style considerations aside, “Daughter” is worth your time; it touches on a variety of interesting topics and will prompt you to reconsider your own family and attitude to life under a brand new light.

[Lori Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Impactful

How does one give a review of someone else's life? This book is unputdownable and Alda's talent as an author does not disappoint. I highly recommend this memoir; you will not be disappointed.

[Kristin · Rating 2 out of 5]

This memoir is about the author’s childhood growing up with a narcissistic mother, and the type of insidious and often invisible trauma that leaves a person with.
Alda describes how even as a small child she was expected to meet her mother’s unspoken and often impossibly high expectations, as well as having to tiptoe around her mother’s volatile temper. She weathered many hostile and cruel comments about how she was a selfish child, or how she was a disgrace. The child of a broken marriage, she talks of how her mother spoke at her endlessly in spiteful criticism of her father, and how she placed the presumption of loyalty on Alda, and essentially treated Alda as an extension of herself. The expectation was for Alda to give up everything that comprised her ‘self’, her opinions, her beliefs, her home, and other people who loved her. She had the unsaid knowledge that speaking out with any independent thought would be punished with wrath or worse abandonment. She speaks of seeking out time with her grandparents, because that was the only place she found the kind of loving conditions she needed to thrive.
She explains how all of the insecurities that her childhood left her with came out to haunt her in any intimate relationships she developed as an adult, and how much therapy and work it took her to build herself back up again — the conditioning of a lifetime is not undone easily.
She also acknowledges the generational and cyclical nature of abuse and trauma, that her mother was also the product of a traumatic relationship with her own alcoholic father. Alda realised that her mother could not abide watching her daughter have a relationship with a loving father when she herself had wanted exactly that with her own father.
In eventual confrontation with her mother, her mother could admit no wrongdoing, instead placing all the fault on her daughter. Despite being made to feel this way, Alda eventually came to the realisation that she had not done anything wrong beyond claiming her right to her own life.

[DrAJ Panos · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this powerful and deeply moving book, the author dives into the intricate and often painful relationship between a narcissistic mother and her daughter, who spends her life yearning for the approval she never receives. The daughter's journey through emotional turmoil is depicted with such eloquence and clarity that it resonates deeply, offering insights that are rare in the exploration of narcissistic parenting.

What sets this book apart is the author's ability to articulate the daughter's perspective with unparalleled depth. The emotional pain is not just described; it is lived through the pages, making the reader feel every moment of longing, confusion, and heartbreak. The daughter's struggle to reconcile her desire for love with the harsh reality of her mother's self-absorption is portrayed with a sensitivity that is both devastating and enlightening.

This book is not just a memoir; it is a thought-provoking examination of the complexities of parent-child relationships. It challenges readers to consider the long-term effects of narcissistic parenting and the emotional scars it leaves behind. The clarity with which the author dissects these dynamics makes it a valuable resource for anyone seeking to understand the impact of narcissism on family life.

Every parent should read this book, not just for the daughter's story but for the broader implications it has on how we raise our children and the importance of empathy, validation, and unconditional love. This is a book that will stay with you long after you’ve turned the last page, leaving you with a deeper understanding of the fragile yet powerful bond between mother and child.

[Karen G. · Rating 5 out of 5]

What children need most from their parents is unconditional love and security; a feeling that they are safe and protected and cherished no matter what. Possessions and privileges mean very little when the most important things are lacking, or have even been deliberately withheld. This memoir is the story of what happens when a parent's mental illness finds a target in their own child, and is about the darkness that can be inflicted on someone from a very young age, even while the outside world sees nothing wrong. If you have grown up like this, or known someone who has, you will be able to identify with Alda as she tells her story, and her struggle to emerge from that darkness, and find out that it is indeed possible to do so, and to grow, and heal, and break the cycle. It is very well written, and at times hard to read, but worth it all the same.

[Olga · Rating 1 out of 5]

Much disappointing. While being psychiatrist by myself I can barely understand the conclusions the author makes when it comes to her mother, while mentioning severe personality disorder, narcissism etc The reader doesn’t get any impression of that through the story, nevertheless it’s obvious that author had a traumatic experiences from her childhood and even if it’s not even nearby what we call ptsd today, it was difficult for the young girl to cope with it and she most possibly developed a personality disorder by herself.
It’s even sad that years of therapy left nothing else than hate, anger and “projections” she was actually trying to avoid… nothing like humanity is even nearby. The question is if psychodynamic therapy of that kind was really the right way to go…

[Denise Dignum · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are children who have watched their parents killed in war. There are children raped by adults they trust. There are children who watch their mothers beaten by their fathers. There are children who go to bed hungry most nights.
These children truly have awful childhoods.
Alda’s parents bought a house for her when she was 17.
Alda lived a life of privilege.
This is not a memoir of truth. It is a manipulative, self indulgent tale.
Readers be aware

[Caroline Verdonk · Rating 5 out of 5]

Impressive read! What I admire is that Alda never went to blaming her mother, or going into victim mode feeling sorry for herself. This made it a very powerful book to me, which was a joy to read even though the topic is hard. Well done, handling such a sensitive topic and making it an interesting read. I already gave it to a friend and have recommended it.

[Wendy Hamilton · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book wraps you in from the start. The language is powerful, written with feeling and from the heart. For me the text became palpable in places.

As a person interested in psychology this was worked on so many levels.

The ending ( before the epilogue) is a simple statement that had me cheering inside.

Alda, like the wave she is, always present, powerful, changing and one to watch.