Open: Love, Sex and Life in an Open Marriage

by Jenny Block

Finally, a book about open marriage that grapples with the problems surrounding monogamy and fidelity in an honest, heartfelt, and non-fringe manner. Jenny Block is your average girl next door, a suburban wife and mother for whom married life never felt quite right. While many books on this topic presuppose that the reader is ready to embrace an “alternative lifestyle,” Block operates from the assumption that most couples who are curious about or engaged in open marriages are in fact more like her — normal people who question whether monogamy is right for them; good people who love their spouses but want variation; capable parents who are not deviant just because they choose to be honest about their desires. Open challenges our notions of what traditional marriage looks like, and presents one woman's journey down an uncertain path that ultimately proves open marriage is a viable option for her and others.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Polyamory, Relationships, Memoir, Marriage, Biography Memoir

288 pages, Paperback

First published May 27, 2008

About the author

Jenny Block writes for a variety of regional and national publications as well as for various anthologies. The inspiration for her new book, "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage" stems from her piece, “Portrait of an Open Marriage” which ran in Tango, and was reprinted by Cosmopolitan Germany and The Huffington Post.

Jenny holds both her Bachelor’s and her Master’s in English from Virginia Commonwealth University, where she taught composition for nearly ten years. She also spent time teaching at the University of Richmond as well as at Strayer University and wrote and lectured about teaching and learning for Newsweek Magazine and Addison Wesley Longman Publishing.

Reviews

[Kater Cheek · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dan Savage had an interesting article the other day about monogamy, speaking out against it, actually, saying (to paraphrase) that insisting on monogamy is basically dooming people to an impossible, unnatural, and not really pleasurable state. Jenny Block has done more than talk the talk, she's walked the walk, and in this memoir, she talks about why she is in an open marriage, how she came to decide that that was the best path to take, and what it's done for her relationship with her husband.

I have to say, I admire her frank honesty. She manages to make having lovers on the side seem about as freaky as having a side business of selling kitchenware through hostess parties. Block, like many (some could say all) spouses, has a sex drive different from her spouse. In this case, Block wants (she implies it is closer to needs) to have sex much more often than her husband wants to. She also wants to have sex with women on occasion. She, like Savage, believe that being open and honest about your sexual needs is far superior to the adultery-getting caught-getting divorced cycle that most people go through.

Coming from a feminist angle, Block's arguments really hit home. She decries the antifeminist surrender-to-your-man and submit-to-your-slave-like-lot-in-life that was popular in the 1950s and even today in some creepy right-wing circles. There's a lot of restrictive gender-specific baggage that comes with marriage, and most people* would agree that it's not fair that the one with the uterus does all the work and the one with the penis makes all the decisions.

Block also talks about our culture's uneasy relationship with women's sexuality. She touches on the weird madonna-whore complex of the whole bride thing. A virgin before she's married, and then a sex kitten afterwards, but not too much, and only at the right times. For example, she talked about a man who married a girl from the "marrying" sorority (as opposed to the "dating" sorority), who was very virginal and not terribly passionate. After he married her, he complained that she wasn't very interested in sex. Block's attitude was on the lines of "what did you expect?"

Since Block is also bisexual, she also briefly touches about gender politics, and what it means to identify as straight or queer. She talks a little about what she wants in a female lover (as opposed to a male lover) and how the gender of her lovers affect the dynamics of her marriage. Maybe I'm a bit liberal, because I found very little of this weird or fringe.

Block also presents the argument that having a second (or third, or fourth) lover does not detract from her love for her husband, but enhances it. She says that jealousy stems from insecurity, from a desire to own another human being, and is a pure cultural construct. I suppose it's a similar argument I present to my kids, that just because I love one kid doesn't mean I don't love the other, and that my love for them is infinite and without measure. Loving one doesn't mean not-loving another.

I called this a memoir, but in a way, it's more of an argument as to why she opened her marriage, and why an open marriage is not as weird as you think, and why it might be right for a lot more marriages if people just thought about it. If you took out the "have sex with people other than her spouse" idea and substituted "watch monster truck rallys" or "eat ice cream" or any other leisure-time activitiy, it would make complete sense. Why should a woman not go to monster truck rally's just because women aren't supposed to do it? Why follow narrow gender roles? Why shouldn't a woman eat ice cream now and again? What's so awful about having a little dairy-pleasure?

Here's where my own gender bias comes in. Because if this book had been written by a man, I would have rolled my eyes and thought "what a douche bag," figuring he just wanted to have the benefits of marriage without paying the price. If it had been written from the point of view of a woman whose husband was the one who wanted to have affairs (and she was the one who wasn't as interested in sex) I would look askance at her arguing in favor of this relationship, because I'd wonder if she wasn't one of those creepy right-wing "God wants a wife to submit to her husband" people. Because Block is female, and taking the "male" (desiring more sex than her partner) stereotype, it made me think about it in a different way.

When Block talks about how much happier and more fulfilled she's been since she and her husband opened her marriage, she made a great sales pitch, as if she was talking about how much fun it is to go to monster truck rallys or eat ice cream or do something else pleasurable that you've been denied because of silly societal mores. And yet...and yet, she glosses over what is really the giant elephant in the room. Going to monster truck rallys and eating ice cream doesn't stick an ice pick in the heart of the one you promised to love and honor and respect until death. That's a pretty big oversight. She says that jealousy is a social construct, and stems from insecurity, yada yada, but anyone who's been cheated on knows this. IT HURTS. Not just a little, like being passed over for the school play, or having a stranger flip you off, it hurts A LOT. It hurts like a dagger in the back.

What I really wanted was her husband's point of view, or another spouse in his position. How does he cope with knowing that his wife is in the arms of another? He has a brief afterward in the back, where he says that he loves his wife, and that he's happy with his marriage, but I wanted to know more about how his feelings. Was he bullied into this? Was this a regretful compromise that he accepted to avoid divorce, or does he really feel that this was a better decision? Didn't he feel belittled, or slighted, and if not, why not? Does it take a zen-like stoicism, or just a little getting used to? Because marriage is an ancient institution, and if it's been tweaked once, it can be tweaked again. Clearly, many people find monogamy an intolerable burden, and if this is a viable alternative for normal people, it might prevent a lot of divorces. (Nobody is a big fan of divorce). If Block really has a better way here, I feel like it behooves her to tell the rest of us out, as if she were in a farming community and found an ingenious way to harvest soybeans. Wouldn't you want to share your great technique? And yet we only have half the story. We have the sales pitch without the instruction manual. Either she's hit upon a better way of making a marriage work, or she's browbeaten some poor guy into putting up with her infidelities. There's not enough information here. I found the concept interesting, but with so much of the other side of the story (her husband's) lacking, I felt as though I'd read only half a book.

[Cortney · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought this might be an interesting memoir about an alternative lifestyle, maybe one that is funny and/or thought provoking. What I got was pages and pages... and pages and PAGES... of navel gazing pontification about sex and marriage and culture and some weird blame thrown on Disney moves and blah blah blah flimsy feminist arguments sprinkled in for no apparent reason other than to seem academic. There was an intro about her childhood and her parents' marriage that was entirely too long and made little to no impact on the story. Overall, the book read like one long justification, which I don't want or need and the author doesn't owe to me, anyway. Bottom line, if you want to have an open marriage, I don't think it's weird or wrong or anything else- do what you do. What is boring and tedious is that you write a book about it that is so rambly and emotional I felt like I was reading a self-conscious 16 year old's diary entries. It was poorly written, badly organized, and not even that interesting. It was a struggle to read through the last third of the book, and the first part was, as I said, pointless "tell me about your mother" kind of self reflection.

[Krystin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but I have to get something off my chest - SOMETHING WAS NOT RIGHT with whoever edited the book. I don't know if it was just the version I had from the library or what, but every time it should have said "matter" (as in, "It didn't help the matter" or "It didn't seem to matter to her") it said "Timer" instead (yes, as in, "It didn't help the Timer" or "It didn't seem to Timer to her"). Unless this is some word that I've never heard in this context, something was up with the editing. Um, oops?

Other than that, it was a good book. I am not in an open relationship myself, nor do I want to be, but that type of relationship is interesting to me and something I'm curious about. I could agree with and understand a lot of what the author said, but I did pick up on a hint of "this is the ONLY way to be" a few times. Whether humans are monogamous by nature or not, many DO prefer monogamy and it DOES work for some people.

[Ashley E · Rating 3 out of 5]

2020 ETA: Much has changed since I wrote this review, including the ways I identify, but I can still clearly state, bitch, this ain't it. I know and claim as dear friends some polyam people, and would consider it myself, to be quite honest. But the way that Ms. Block presents polyamory in this book is not healthy, imho.

~

First, let me start off this review with a disclaimer: I am a young, heterosexual female, a virgin, and could be happily described as a "romantic". Take what preconceptions you will from this and go ahead and run with them.

I signed up for this book on First Reads and forgot about, then was greatly surprised when I opened my inbox and discovered I had won. I like to think of myself as an open-minded person, and while I personally believe in monogamy, I can see how an open marriage could be right for some people. I typically like fiction, but this book had sounded interesting and I was curious, so I was determined to give it a fair try. Well, I did. And here's what I think.

I found the memoirs aspect of this book fascinating. Seeing Jenny (and Christopher) grow and develop their relationship into what it is today was an intriguing process, not without hurts, but still with ultimate purpose. Other parts of the book felt... "preachy".

The author is a feminist, and sometimes that comes across too strongly in her descriptions of why sexual freedom is so important. Not that I don't agree with that in general; it's just that some of her points could be made about men just as fairly. The main reason I find myself disliking radically feminist attitudes in general is that idea exactly. It seems as if sometimes, they point at a problem and say, "It's because she's a woman," without stopping to consider if a man in that situation might have the same or a similar problem. But I digress.

I found myself frustrated while reading this book when it came to Block's views on monogamy. Though she repeatedly says that she thinks it can work for some couples, it doesn't really come across as if she believes it. She makes the point that monogamy is not natural to human (or more accurately, I think, animal) biology. We aren't meant to be monogamous. Though I don't think the author intended this, to me this sounds high-handed of her. Personally I don't think I could function happily in any kind of relationship other than a monogamous one. Partially, yes, this has to do with how I was raised (societal reasons), but also with my personality, attitude toward casual physical touch, and my personal beliefs, which over the last few years have been tried and developed. As someone who believes in monogamy, personally, many of her arguments for open marriage seemed to imply that a "closed" traditional marriage wasn't really viable, and couldn't be open in the sense of honest communication and trust. I was left feeling a little vilified.

For someone interested in learning more about how an open marriage could potentially work for them, and understanding some of the problems they might face, as well as ideas for dealing with them, I think this would be a wonderful book. But it just wasn't for me. I would've enjoyed it a lot more without the philosophy of open vs. traditional marriages that she incorporated.

[I received this book for free through First Reads and was not required to write a positive or any other type of review. All opinions stated herein are solely my own.]

[Jennie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Reading this book was an interesting experience because I too was an English major and a women's studies minor. I also have a vested interest in all things related to nonmonogamy. I have read almost every single book and article that Block references and I've gone down many of the same intellectual paths she explores in her memoir. And yet - while I am so glad to hear someone else speak up on this topic, this book reads too much like a long experiential essay written for WST 101. Gender is a performance! Compulsory Heterosexuality! The Male Gaze! Butch/Femme Dichotomies! The Personal is the Political! Yes Jenny, we get it.

The problem is there's not enough detail to make Block's sexual history really interesting and there's not enough reliance on critical theory to make this an actual textbook. I wanted more out of it, I kept thinking..."I could write a better book on this subject." Perhaps I should try.

Also I feel Block talks out of her ass on more than one occasion - her ideas about the Clinton's relationship, her impression that lesbian butch/femme dynamics are more inherently egalitarian than heterosexual gender roles. Or perhaps even just this line: "No matter how sensitive or capable a man might be, when he comes, the party is pretty much over. Not so with another woman." Ugh, seriously? Do I even need to point out what's wrong here?

She is also highly defensive about her lifestyle, an attitude I understand to the tips of my toes, but for me she comes off as far too victimized. Yes I know, social brainwashing has destroyed us all, but really can we, as empowered women, just collectively get over the idea of ourselves as casualties of the gender wars?

But! All of this being said, Block is VERY courageous for laying this all out for public consumption, I applaud her for muddling through everything and finding a way to live authentically. And for sharing her story. As someone who has already reached all of the same conclusions this book didn't hit the mark for me - but maybe it will sink in for someone else.

[Vanessa Fox · Rating 3 out of 5]

I agree with many of the other reviewers that the book brought in a lot of interesting stats and info, but seemed a bit superficial. The book was ostensibly about the author's own journey, but she didn't talk much about the details, and this seemed to be because she was a bit defensive about how those outside perceived her decision to be in an open marriage.

The details she left out seemed to be the ones around any less-than-positive emotions, potentially because she didn't want to give the naysayers ammunition. And in fact, the book takes a turn towards advocacy when I would have much preferred a deeper dive into her feelings. For instance, how did she feel when the first person who they brought into the marriage decided to be with her husband exclusively after a while and was no longer interested in her? She never really said.

Particularly as one of her first stated reasons for wanting an open marriage was that her husband wasn't interested in sex as often as she was. But if he was now off having regular sex with someone else, either he just wasn't interested in sex with her specifically, or he was using up his few times of sexual interest with someone else.

Details like that would have added to the book as for instance, in this case, it's very different to have an open relationship during which you have an active sex life with your primary partner and others than to have an open relationship in large part because you have a good, but non-sexual relationship with your primary partner.

[Paige · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you, thank you, thank you Jenny! Unlike another infamous married and questioning Jenny (for all you L Word fans), this Jenny has her head on straight, though her heart may not be so....well....straight. Or narrow. She is a breath of fresh air for anyone who has ever thought, "I really love my partner....but I really want more, more, more!" And it is OK to want more. We are human! We are mammals! We can find love and lust and interest and friendship and desire in so many ways. And through Jenny's journey, we get reassurance that yes, honesty and openness are the keys to happiness, and no, we are not alone.

[Laura Wallace · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book, but I wanted more memoir and less polemic. Yeah, yeah, humans aren't monogamous, marriage oppresses women, our preconceived notions of the relationship between sex and love are whack.... Jenny's the preacher, I'm the choir. But what about the sordid goings-on in her Stepfordesque planned community? And on a more sober note, more detail would flesh out the practical details of the arrangement, although we've got other books for that. For example, Block often makes oblique references to conflicts within her marriage and her other relationships, but often glosses over their genesis and resolution, like how one of the first time she brought a girl back to her hotel room on a business trip, the girl freaked out: why? and then she would also obliquely references threesomes she had with her friends, but didn't really explain. Fleshing this out would have explained more about how nonmonogamy works. But her project was more apologia than autobiography, which is fair.

On a nuts and bolts level, I was distracted/bothered by the proofreading issue other readers have mentioned. Plus the general style of the book, which was very women's magazine, was off-putting to me.

[S · Rating 5 out of 5]

I cannot thank Jenny enough for writing this book. It is beautifully written and challenges our society's ideas about monogamous relationships. Cheating vs open relationship is discussed and I am smitten with her arguments against the former and for the latter. I loved the initial chapters since it talks about the 'mix signals' women receive from the media, parents, men and SOCIETY. Today, more than ever before, books (and discussions) are needed to question long held beliefs about love, sex and marriages. Her arguments are backed up with research, yet not very scientific so makes it easier for a lay person to understand and contemplate her point of views. I would, however, have liked if she discussed why monogamous marriage is a societal thing and should not be the norm. She alludes to humans seeking variety: research about polygamous tribes (Kung!), our closest ancestors (bonobos) being polygamous etc may have helped get the message across faster.

[Sara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a really interesting read. The reason I ended up with this book was it was on uber-sale (kindle version) on amazon and looked interesting. I wasn't disappointed.

Now I am 100% monogamous, and heterosexual. The author is in an open marriage with her husband and her girlfriend. We obviously have very different lifestyles, and yet I found her arguments for the benefits of her arrangement were sound - statistics show as many of 80% of people cheat on their partners. Her argument is that monogamy isn't natural, which I agree with. (Monogamy is DAMN hard - I just think its worth it!) We are biologically programmed to diversify our genes as much as possible. Basically, why cheat? The lying hurts more than the actual sex in infidelity, and if everyone is cheating anyway, maybe the monogamy arrangement is to blame? Yeah, I can buy that.

She also argues that most people's sexuality is more fluid than atatic - another argument I can agree with.

I have always been of the viewpoint of "why get married if you want to cheat?" I still struggle emotionally with the concept of "open marriage" as to me marriage means choosing one over anyone else - but at the same time, it WORKS for her and her husband and her girlfriend - and her daughter has no idea of the sexual arrangement - and if everyone is honest, and everyone is happy, then who I am to tell them or anyone else that they shouldn't be married? Just because my concept of marriage doesn't jive with this, that doesn't mean her marriage is invalid. Thinking of gay marriage for example - I am 100% supportive of that right! To me it is valid, to someone more conservative it's not - she brings that up as an example of how everyone should have the right to have a marriage how they want, to whom they want, and call it whatever they want. I can respect that, even if I don't understany why someone would want to enter an arrangement like that.

I have zero desire to be in an open relationship - I am happily married to a man who is as into being my "one and only" as I am into being his. While I am a passionate feminist, and he and I have a relationship of equality (chores/cooking are split evenly) I have no desire to be with anyone else. I don't feel like I'm missing anything, which the author desperately felt like - she wasn't being true to her own needs. This doesn't mean that my marriage is more "real" or "better" than hers - it's just different.

I love how the author doesn't rip on people that want to have a traditional marriage - she just says it doesn't work for her, and obviously doesn't work with all the spouses that are heartbroken over infidelity. I am lucky that it works for me!

A very thought-provoking, eye-opening book that made me really examine my beliefs on marriage and what commitment means.

[Sondra Santos · Rating 5 out of 5]

“It is estimated that 50-65% of husbands and 40-45% of wives cheat.”

Open relationships do not always start out that way, as Jenny Block explains. I first read Jenny’s article on Your Tango and discovered that she’s the author of Open, her memoir which focuses on the evolution of her open marriage and includes extensive research and resources regarding the history of marriage, extra-marital affairs and divorce.

“I began to think it was unfair – ludicrous, really – to expect my husband to fulfill me on every level. Outside of the bedroom, I don’t have those standards for him.”

While I don’t justify or excuse lying, cheating or betrayal of any kind, I can relate to the idea that having a sexual relationship with more than one person can create a more fulfilling marriage. I wouldn’t have been able to say that prior to reading this book and even though I can’t see myself being open to an open marriage, I do understand that Block’s experience and the journey she and her husband took is one that works for them, and many other couples.

“Polyamorists refuse to take marriage at face value, and instead accept only what actually works, rather than what ’s supposed to work.”

With nearly seventeen pages of footnotes, lists of works consulted and resources that she mentions, Jenny not only did research in the bedroom, but in the library as well. She took copious notes and shares intimate details of her experience with creating an open marriage that has led her to a stronger relationship with her husband, a more fulfilling sex life and an inspiration to those who can not quite understand why it is that marriage and monogamy do not fit with what they envision for themselves.

“It’s always fascinating to me that people are more disturbed by the idea of an open marriage than they are by cheating.”

Open is a thought-provoking look at marriage, sexuality and what it means to be in an intimate relationship. With confidence and honesty, Block shares her story and defends the dynamic of her marriage since it is certainly not something that is accepted in mainstream America, just yet.

“What if the problem is not with wanting what we want, but rather the way we are made to feel for wanting it?”

[Arja Salafranca · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read Jenny Block’s memoir of polyamory, called Open, and it really opened up my eyes to the motivations and reasons as to why someone would choose this type of lifestyle. Born in 1971, Block married in her late twenties, had a daughter, and yet felt stifled and unhappy in her monogamous marriage. Yet she loved her husband, they were compatible, and were good parents to their child. His sex drive just didn’t match hers; sex was an occasional need for Christopher, while Jenny wanted more and wanted to return to sleeping with women as well. The other option was divorce and that option, in the face of a marriage still filled with love, seemed absurd. So, at Jenny’s prompting they opened up their marriage, choosing to have a threesome with a friend of Jenny’s who was open to such a relationship. Eventually just the friend and Christopher were sleeping together. That ended; Christopher is happy with sleep just with Jenny. Meanwhile Jenny has had affairs, and sex with others, and now has a long-term girlfriend about ten years younger than herself. The girlfriend lives in a condominium near Jenny and Christopher, and is happy with this arrangement. Jenny is aware that this might not continue indefinitely and the girlfriend might want a more committed relationship with someone else in the future, but for now it works. Her daughter knows nothing of the relationship; only that mommy has a “best” friend and she sometimes sleeps at this best friend’s home. I know this kind of relationship wouldn’t and couldn’t work for everyone, and Block says polyamory won’t work if you’re jealous or have attachment/rejection issues, but from afar, this seems like such an ideal situation. And it works for them; they are happy within this arrangement. I’m beginning to see that polyamory isn’t the dirty, almost slutty arrangement we all assume it to be at first, but a way to “share” the love, to have many loves, and that it can be quite a reasonable, workable model for some. It does take constant re-negotiation and a constant examination of the boundaries, but, as Block points out, marriage as it stands isn’t working: over 50% of marriages fail, and partners cheat; perhaps it is time for a new model.

[Mark Farley]

Deftly organised and tenderly respectful in its execution, this intimate and honest portrait of Jenny's own marriage and past relationships, along with her experiences and changing conflictions with monogamy is truly beautiful and easy in its reading. What Block achieves where 'The Ethical Slut' the bible of non-monogamy had its only criticisms is that it's feels like its not preaching to you like the former did at times. Neither is it a hotch-potch of ramblings and almost aggressive interviews and anecdotes, it is simply a heartfelt and well written insight into what many would conceive and insist to be deviant and wrong. By approaching the subject calmly and responsibly, over a cup of coffee in her living room type of feel (one of the books greatest attributes in style), the author presents her argument with skill, hope and clarity. Whether in a monogamous relationship or not, everyone should read this book, if just to make us nicer, more caring and happier people. I mean, what's wrong with that?

[DeAnna · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had a love/hate reaction to Open. Jenny Block's writing style was infuriating and the book often read like a long Cosmo article and the early chapters were infuriating, where she was determined to establish the ways in which she is totally average and normal in every way, from her lace a bows childhood, to her first boyfriend who taught her to acknowledge and communicate her sexual desires. The first half of the book I couldn't relate to, but the detailed description of the evolution of her marriage from a traditional monogamous marriage, to an open marriage was illustrative. Open offers little in the way of "How To" advice for those looking to open their relationships or trying to deal with problems that arise within open relationships, but it does offer an honest account of how Jenny Block's marriage functions.

[Shaun · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is basically a memoir of Ms. Block starting from a monogamous marriage to an open marriage. She defies the conventionality of what a "normal" relationship is supposed to be, but she doesn't go full-blown polyamory either. She doesn't really consider herself polyamorus, but simply says that she's "open" when it comes to relationships.

It's a page-turner and it's a fascinating look on her life, but I kept asking myself, "why are you saying this?" What I mean is is she trying to offer advice to others? Is she wanting to talk about her life to others? Is she simply using this as a way to get something off of her chest? Or maybe she just simply wanted to tell her story? Overall, it's a good example of what an open relationship can be, even if there are no answers to those questions.

[Liz · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was an interesting read. I wondered many times how the author would have felt if either of her lovers took another lover. I would think that she might not feel as comfortable with that. I also find her husband's comment about her body to be disgusting. She carried his child and when she did not regain her perfect figure, he blamed that for his lack of sexual interest. And send her running for the plastic surgeon. That is not a healthy marriage.

[Erika Nerdypants · Rating 3 out of 5]

Part memoir, part essay on open marriage/relationships, based on the premise that monogamy is not natural to humans. Much of her point of view is based on feminist theory, which I appreciate, because too often women are told that others happiness should come before their own. Thought provoking for certain, although I'm not sure that I could personally live this kind of relationship style, but then the author readily admits that it is not for everyone.

[Cecily · Rating 2 out of 5]

Possibly more useful for women who are not already in open relationships but are curious about how they work than for couples in established open relationships. I also couldn't shake the feeling that I was reading a collection of blog posts.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was really good and eye opening. I appreciate her honesty and discussion around love, sex, relationships, etc. Regardless of whether open marriage is for you, I think everyone can learn about love, partnership, and above all, HONESTY, by reading this book.

[Katie]

Seriously thoughtful woman. See an excerpt here:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jenny-b...

[Melina · Rating 2 out of 5]

kind of badly written, but had some interesting points. Got bored with the didactic parts, but enjoyed it as a memoir. She probably should have picked one direction or the other.

[R.J.]

An entertaining and informative memoir about one couple's "open" experience.

[Mel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed reading this book. The author made the topic interesting and not dry like many books can be. I appreciate that she referenced and cited other books/authors and had a bibliography at the end of the book, as well as a list of other resources for those interested in learning more about open relationships and polyamory.

I really loved the following quotes:

"I would actually argue that people find it more acceptable to wind up in a relationship with a married person "by accident"-- even though that would fall into the category of cheating-- than beginning one in which both parties are okay with the openness of the situation." (pg.155)

"...[P]eople are insecure in their relationships, which, in turn, is mostly because they are not self-confident. Low self-esteem pushes people to look to their partners to define them. If they then lose that partner, or if they cant confirm that they're their partner's one and only, then they lose their self definition. But as long as they continue to live with the illusion that they are all their partner could ever want or need, they feel good about themselves." (pg.163)

"I think many women...have greater intimacy with their best friends than they do with their husbands...But wouldn't it seem more logical for men to be more threatened by their wives' best friends than by men who hot on their wives? Those guys don't pose nearly the same threat...The reason men aren't threatened , generally, is that they don't fear not being the person who is closest to their wife's mind. Instead, they fear losing ownership of her body, which does not belong to them in the first place." (pg.191)

[SHIP (formerly The CSPH)]

In a society where the comfort and security of a monogamous relationship reigns, the thought of an open marriage intimidates many people due to the confusion and hurt that they assume would be inherently part of such a relationship. Thus, these individuals continue to shame and pass judgment on those who engage in such behaviors in both conscious and subconscious ways. However, in this book, we meet Jenny Block. An author, essayist, and advocate for open marriages, Block writes for a variety of websites and has appeared on many television shows to discuss relationships. Her book has been reviewed both nationally and internationally in a number of different publications, and received the Lambda Literary Award in 2008.

In Open, Block takes the opportunity to put everything on the table—such as her college experiences, her previous partners, her marriage, her girlfriend, etc.—enabling readers to explore her happiness and learn how she traveled this path. Expertly recalling and describing her thoughts and emotions throughout different moments of her life, she grapples with society’s definition of happiness and marriage, despite knowing her own sexual needs and how she wanted them to be met. Was she weird, or is society weird? As she describes her life, Block takes tremendous care to address the majority of society’s concerns against open marriage, such as those that pertain to jealousy and the safety of her daughter. She vehemently asserts that the public should consider an open marriage as viable of an option as a monogamous marriage, because, ultimately, there are many forms of “happily ever after.”

Nevertheless, despite her ability to present arguments and provide numerous rebuttals, the style of her writing becomes overdone as the book progresses. In many ways, reading this book is like chatting with a friend—a friend that, even though you love her to death, will not shut up and give you a second to talk or breathe. While you’re fascinated at the beginning, being completely enthralled in a new subject, by the end, it’s getting late and you want to go home. Block’s approach of rationalizing her open marriage by taking us through her life seems plausible; however, she spends more time making an argument than giving the audience time to soak everything in and think on their own.

In many ways, this book is a good choice if the reader is new to the subject of open marriages because Block’s example proves to be an exemplary one, a relationship where she considers her own needs, desires, and happiness. It’s empowering to be able to read about someone taking control of her life and creating a life that she enjoys, despite what society thinks. However, I would suggest taking this book slowly. Read one chapter a day. Give yourself a chance to reflect and make up your own mind, just like she did.

[Dimity · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have quite a lot to say about this book. Despite enjoying it, I found it somewhat problematic. First, some of her methodology was way off; statistics about infidelity are notoriously unpredictable but using statistics from an online poll given at a website catered towards women who fear/know their partner is cheating to illustrate shockingly high rates of cheating is a pretty big misstep in her methodology.

Also, if I had to read another sentence about humans not being "biologically programmed" for monogamy, I was going to throw the book across the room. I am definitely not going to dismiss the importance of biology but one could argue humans aren't biologically programmed for wearing pants but hey, as someone who lives well above the equator I am not about to revert to my "natural" state. I think it is perhaps possible to make that particular argument but it needs more sophistication than she brings to the discussion.

Additionally, I was disappointed that despite her feminist views, Ms. Block pretty much glossed over marriage's history and presented the past as a time when people were free to participate in polyandrous relationships. It's actually a lot more complicated and it's impossible to deny that in most cases it was men who were allowed to participate in these sort of arrangements as part of a crushing patriarchy, not men and women participating equally in relationships of their own free will.

This book has a very defensive tone, which is quite understandable given the negative attention surrounding her choices Ms. Block has to deal with. I certainly support her right to navigate her relationships in the way she sees fit. Her writing forced me into my uncomfortable zone and I appreciate that because it definitely gave me food for thought. I don't think an open marriage is in my future but it was an interesting read and I appreciate the courage it took to write it and be so unflinchingly honest. I was particularly intrigued by the discussion of how she approaches her open marriage in regards to her daughter and she makes some spot-on points in that regard. I can envision that particular road getting rockier as her child becomes a teenager, though.

[Jen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Before reading this book I knew very little about open relationships. And my view of it was mostly one of disbelief, because how could you let your partner have relationships based on sexual attraction, even love, in addition to your relationship with them?? I honestly have never been able to wrap my head around the concept of an open relationship. After reading Block's book, though, I find that I respect open relationships - even open marriages - as just as valid as anyone's monogamous relationship.

I suspect that some of my previous reading, especially Koontz's History of Marriage and EJ Graff's What is Marriage For?, helped prepare me for this book. I've always questioned the value and necessity of marriage, as well as the media's portrayals and ideals of traditional marriage (and living happily ever after with the Same Partner for the Rest of Your Life). So, I might even be part of the audience that was being targeted - those who are open-minded to alternatives to traditional relationships. Block cites many different sources throughout her book, even a pro-heterosexual-monogamous author. And while most of her research is biased (obviously), she also defends and deflects a lot of the arguments against open relationships well (at least, enough for me to accept).

There are a myriad of reasons why Block chose to have an open marriage with her husband, which she details throughout the book. However, there's one part that I feel concisely conveys her argument for her own open marriage and for open relationships in general:
"We are not all wired for one lifestyle, which is why I'm suggesting that open marriage should be no less of an option than serial monogamy, homosexuality, lifetime abstinence, staying single, or having kids of one's own... If you can pick your religion, why would it make any less sense to choose your lifestyle in terms of whom you live with, love with, and sleep with?"

[Rosalyn Dischiavo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book “Open: Love, Sex & Life in an Open Marriage,” by Jenny Block. It is one woman’s account of how she journeyed from monogamy to polyamory. Block manages to investigate multiple angles of societies’ views on monogamy, sex, marriage, and commitment via her own struggles with attempting to remain monogamous despite her non-monogamous yearnings. As a feminist, she elucidates liberation perspectives not generally explored. She courageously and relentlessly catalogs her own doubts and fears, her self-judgments, and ultimately her triumph over mainstream ideals. This book is interesting in its own right, but also may be a perfect fit for women considering open marriage, as it is a brutally honest look at some of the underbelly of the transitions into openness.

Block’s enlightened logic falls short when she moralizes about keeping children in the dark about polyamory. Throughout the book she stresses the importance of honesty, and then admits that she lies to her daughter about the nature of her relationship with her romantic partner, arguing “children don’t need to know about their parents’ sex lives.” Agreed. But since the partner is not merely a sex partner but a woman with whom Block is in a committed relationship, the argument is flawed, and indeed reminiscent of the old biases against the gay community. The “what will the children think?” argument has always been a smokescreen for the true worry-“what will the neighbors think?” Or perhaps more accurately, “When will the lynch mob show up?”

Whatever the weaknesses in Block’s take on the family angle, the book is well written, and I recommend it as a good read.

[Greg · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book surprised me. It made me question my own judgmental nature without judging me in return or calling me a bigot or anything like that. In other words, it approaches the topic relatively gently. Some readers may not agree, but that's just because many people will feel persecuted or otherwise annoyed ANYTIME they read something with which they disagree. Mrs. Block could've done much worse -- hitting the reader over the head with the subject or being excessively explicit. Instead she was neither, which was welcome. It makes her book more accessible and makes the reader more open to hearing her out. Or at least that's how it was in my case.

My only complaints are few. The book becomes less structured and more repetitive as it goes on. The later chapters in particular start to feel very deja-vu-ish; she says the same thing multiple times in multiple ways. I get the feeling that part of that stems from her desire to really stress some of her points strongly but for me at least it came across as repetitive. The book also can't seem to decide if it's primarily a memoir or primarily an instructional/descriptive manual. There's a sense of her switching tones between the confessor and the advice columnist quite often. She writes well and is effective in arguing her points, but it wouldn't have suffered for a tougher editor.

Overall a pretty good read, and a thoughtful one.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well-written and fascinating look at open (heterosexual) marriage. Part memior, part instruction manual, and part manifesto, this book looks at Block's life and marriage with sharp and almost uncomfortable clarity. She manages to succeed in this piece by truly making the personal political and blending scientific studies with her own feelings and experiences. Her writing style is accessible, quick, and fun to read.

As someone who is in an open relationship, she did an accurate job of portraying the motivations for those of us who choose non-monogamy. The value of honesty, trust, and communication are stressed and she puts them in appropriate deep personal context in a way that handbooks like The Ethical Slut talk about but don't show. She also shows the warts and difficulties that come with openness like rude reactions from others and the naked emotional vulnerability.

The only fault I find with the book is that I feel she spent too much time leading up to being open, and less time telling us what her daily life is like with Christopher and Jemma. And while I appreciated the afterward by her husband, I am disappointed that her girlfriend was not extended the same courtesy.

[Danielle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a fairly interesting memoir from someone who is in an open marriage. She did a good job of explaining how [her] open relationship worked while acknowledging it was just one of many paths and didn't mean that monogamous relationships couldn't work or even that all open relationships did work, or looked like hers.

I've always wondered why we seem to be OK living in a culture where people cheat, yet there is such vehement opposition to open relationships. The author wrote, "...although the rates of adultery and divorce and marital dissatisfaction soar, open marriage is still considered beyond taboo --it's socially offensive." (Page 55)

She also tried to cut through assumptions. The author emphasized that being open didn't mean being promiscuous, it just meant having the permission. Even the permission to flirt, to feel desired, was enough at times.

Overall I thought it was a good challenge to think about other lifestyles, to be less judgmental, and be open to the shifting perspective on what makes a relationship.

"Different people fulfill different wants and needs. It's not that complicated." (Page 231)