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Choosing Us: Marriage and Mutual Flourishing in a World of Difference
For years, people have asked Gail Song Bantum and Brian Bantum to reveal the secret to their marriage as a multiracial Christian couple, each with a high-profile ministry calling. This book reveals the lessons, mistakes, and principles that have helped the Bantums navigate race, family history, and gender dynamics in their twenty-plus years of marriage, while inspiring readers to pursue mutual flourishing in their marriages and relationships.
Marriage is about more than constant bliss or unending sacrifice, say the Bantums. It's about exploring your own story, seeing the other for who they are (even as they change), and being flexible in discovering how those differences and stories come alive in new ways when joined together. It's the discovery of life in the gaps and the mysteries that emerge when we live in mutuality, believing that fullness is possible for each.
Choosing Us reflects the realities and demands of modern marriage and respects the callings and ambitions of both partners. It shows that marriage is about choosing the other's flourishing on a daily basis, amid differences and even systemic obstacles, to build a relationship that thrives and reflects the kingdom of God.
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Marriage is about more than constant bliss or unending sacrifice, say the Bantums. It's about exploring your own story, seeing the other for who they are (even as they change), and being flexible in discovering how those differences and stories come alive in new ways when joined together. It's the discovery of life in the gaps and the mysteries that emerge when we live in mutuality, believing that fullness is possible for each.
Choosing Us reflects the realities and demands of modern marriage and respects the callings and ambitions of both partners. It shows that marriage is about choosing the other's flourishing on a daily basis, amid differences and even systemic obstacles, to build a relationship that thrives and reflects the kingdom of God.
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160 pages, Hardcover
Published March 1, 2022
14 people are currently reading
1111 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews
March 1, 2022
When I wrote both of my marriage books, I could not find much of anything written from a faith-based perspective that tackled relationships/marriages across cultures. So, I interviewed several couples which kinda provided what I needed. Choosing Us fills this gap.
The husband and wife team of Gail Song Bantum and Brian Bantum leaned on the lessons learned in their 20+ year marriage and long ministry careers so that they might help couples think about the many challenges and bumps that come with inter-racial marriages. (Yes, ALL marriages have bumps and challenges but there are unique ones that inter-racial couples must face.)
I particularly appreciated chapters 3-5 which focused on race and gender. It's worth the price of the book for these 3 chapters alone. (One of my very few criticisms of the book is that I wish they had written more here.) Brian's perspectives on women as partners/leaders was so bold and encouraging that I want all Christian husbands to read it! I believe this book will be an enormous gift to many couples who hope to create a marriage where both spouses flourish.
The husband and wife team of Gail Song Bantum and Brian Bantum leaned on the lessons learned in their 20+ year marriage and long ministry careers so that they might help couples think about the many challenges and bumps that come with inter-racial marriages. (Yes, ALL marriages have bumps and challenges but there are unique ones that inter-racial couples must face.)
I particularly appreciated chapters 3-5 which focused on race and gender. It's worth the price of the book for these 3 chapters alone. (One of my very few criticisms of the book is that I wish they had written more here.) Brian's perspectives on women as partners/leaders was so bold and encouraging that I want all Christian husbands to read it! I believe this book will be an enormous gift to many couples who hope to create a marriage where both spouses flourish.
April 1, 2022
Finally, a marriage book for interracial, progressive Christian couples. Their wisdom on the patriarchy - written separately - is worth the price of the book alone.
April 15, 2023
It is hard to find good resources for progressive Christian, egalitarian, interracial couples. Most of the relationship and marriage books on the market are either dripping with the aftermath of purity culture and meal headship, or are desperately rooted in White Evangelicalism. Although I respect Brian and Gail for setting out to fill this particular and important gap, I wanted so much more from this book! While it was a helpful glimpse into the interworkings of another couple's journey, it felt narrow and really only anecdotal in the way it approached race, culture, and choice. It never seemed exactly sure who its audience was or how much to go into each topic and why. Overall, it sparked a few good conversations between myself and my partner that I will always be thankful for. But definitely still left us searching for more. If you have other reccs for couples who are generally jaded by the Christian mainstream but are also trying to learn about the covenant of marriage please drop a comment lol.
January 28, 2022
You’ve not read a marriage book like this one. Choosing Us is less marriage manual and more marriage memoir. It’s the story of Gail Song Bantum and Brian Bantum, the challenges they’ve faced, the lessons they’ve learned, and how they’ve navigated their relationship toward mutual flourishing. But it’s also more than memoir. Gail and Brian build off of their professional lives to bring depth to their advice so that it goes beyond “Well, it worked for us.”
Gail is Asian-American and the lead pastor of Quest Church in Seattle. She’s a well-known speaker in the area of justice, leadership, and mentorship. Brian is a Black theology professor at Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary whose academic work is on the intersection of identity, race, and gender. The end result is that there are few couples qualified to a write a book like Choosing Us quite like the Bantums.
The very first chapter is a hard hitter, dealing with the certainty of change. People aren’t static and one major relationship issue is assuming that they always will be. Brian and Gail talk about how, as teenagers, they each had a plan for their lives and that plan was not compatible with the others’. They talk through how those plans changed and adapted to fit the other and how their love as changed and adapted as they themselves have changed over the years. Above all, what I got from this chapter was the primacy of love and the necessity of clear communication.
The middle part of the book deals with race and gender. Coming from two different minority backgrounds, Gail and Brian had a lot of work to do to understand the other person’s cultural background—and their own. Gail writes about feeling between identities, never quite feeling American (read: white) enough or Korean enough. Brian, too, struggled with ethnic identity. In any relationship, but an interracial one specifically, self-reflection on racial identity and cross-cultural friendships is a crucial communicative piece of the puzzle. This chapter alone makes the book a must-read for interracial couples.
The chapters on gender are also compelling. Choosing Us isn’t the type of marriage book that tells men to work hard and women to stay at home. It’s about an us, it’s about mutual submission and love. These chapters are the heart of the book and show how marriage is like a dance and each person adapts to the movements of the other and move along with the music together.
Each chapter of Choosing Us ends with a series of discussion questions. I would love to see these developed further, even though they are satisfying on their own—maybe even into a small group video series. It invites reflection and makes people see their own relationships and lives. There were times that I wish the Bantums would have gone just a bit deeper. At a rather svelte 147 pages, maybe ten or fifteen more pages would have satisfied me.
Overall, though, I love that the book asks you to learn through the Bantum’s example. Choosing Us is their story, a story about how amid everything in life, their first choice was always the other. And that’s the beautiful thing. Whatever happens, wherever we go, whatever changes, we’ll always choose the other. Choosing Us is a unique addition to the marriage book genre, breathing stale life into what often comes across as very generic and clinical advice. This is Bantum family story: it’s specific, but generalizable; it’s relatable, accessible, and, most of all, livable. Their example of marriage is one we to which we should all strive.
Gail is Asian-American and the lead pastor of Quest Church in Seattle. She’s a well-known speaker in the area of justice, leadership, and mentorship. Brian is a Black theology professor at Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary whose academic work is on the intersection of identity, race, and gender. The end result is that there are few couples qualified to a write a book like Choosing Us quite like the Bantums.
The very first chapter is a hard hitter, dealing with the certainty of change. People aren’t static and one major relationship issue is assuming that they always will be. Brian and Gail talk about how, as teenagers, they each had a plan for their lives and that plan was not compatible with the others’. They talk through how those plans changed and adapted to fit the other and how their love as changed and adapted as they themselves have changed over the years. Above all, what I got from this chapter was the primacy of love and the necessity of clear communication.
The middle part of the book deals with race and gender. Coming from two different minority backgrounds, Gail and Brian had a lot of work to do to understand the other person’s cultural background—and their own. Gail writes about feeling between identities, never quite feeling American (read: white) enough or Korean enough. Brian, too, struggled with ethnic identity. In any relationship, but an interracial one specifically, self-reflection on racial identity and cross-cultural friendships is a crucial communicative piece of the puzzle. This chapter alone makes the book a must-read for interracial couples.
The chapters on gender are also compelling. Choosing Us isn’t the type of marriage book that tells men to work hard and women to stay at home. It’s about an us, it’s about mutual submission and love. These chapters are the heart of the book and show how marriage is like a dance and each person adapts to the movements of the other and move along with the music together.
Each chapter of Choosing Us ends with a series of discussion questions. I would love to see these developed further, even though they are satisfying on their own—maybe even into a small group video series. It invites reflection and makes people see their own relationships and lives. There were times that I wish the Bantums would have gone just a bit deeper. At a rather svelte 147 pages, maybe ten or fifteen more pages would have satisfied me.
Overall, though, I love that the book asks you to learn through the Bantum’s example. Choosing Us is their story, a story about how amid everything in life, their first choice was always the other. And that’s the beautiful thing. Whatever happens, wherever we go, whatever changes, we’ll always choose the other. Choosing Us is a unique addition to the marriage book genre, breathing stale life into what often comes across as very generic and clinical advice. This is Bantum family story: it’s specific, but generalizable; it’s relatable, accessible, and, most of all, livable. Their example of marriage is one we to which we should all strive.
January 22, 2025
A diamond in the rough landscape of Christian marriage resources. Gail and Brian write authentically about marriage as an adventure measured by the mutual flourishing of its participants. The book discusses this mutual flourishing through the lens of gender, career goals, personality differences, family histories, racial/community realities, and more. I do not think I will find another book that does such an excellent job talking about marriage in a way that does not evoke gender roles rooted in patriarchy. I also found the way that they talk about their career paths and decisions surrounding vocation inspiring and fascinating.
I will undoubtedly use snippets of this book to inform my vows in our upcoming wedding. However, I’m even more likely to pick this book back up in a year, or 5, or 10, because I am certain it will have insightful new things to say.
I will undoubtedly use snippets of this book to inform my vows in our upcoming wedding. However, I’m even more likely to pick this book back up in a year, or 5, or 10, because I am certain it will have insightful new things to say.
February 16, 2023
A lovely, honest, and theologically deep reflection on what it means to be authentically married. Brian Bantum, a Black theologian, and Gail Song Bantum, a Korean pastor, talk about navigating their marriage through individual and cultural difference. They root their advice in their own stories, being very open and vulnerable about their difficulties and shortcomings. The Bantums wisely observe that you don't achieve a "good marriage" and then stay there forever. Humans are different people who are constantly changing and evolving, and our relationships with ourselves and with our partners must constantly change and evolve as well. The Bantums also ask us to reflect on the patterns of our family of origin, our assumptions about gender roles, and the prevalence of whiteness in America and how that affects even our marital relationships. Along the way, they root their advice and their theology in spiritual practice, in Scripture, and in community. A lovely book for couples to work through and talk through together, whether you've been married for one year or for fifty.
October 2, 2022
Took a bit for me to get into this but once I did, did not regret. Co-written by an interracial Black and Korean couple, together they address the issue of race within a marriage and I really enjoyed reading their experiences and the lessons they learned. I resonated with their sentiments of life being thrown at them in a different direction than they themselves planned.
My favorite sentiment of this whole book is at the end, when describing a covenant marriage.
"I choose not to be who I am without you."
I think this is fitting to our times as the 'self-care' train of thinking is relevant and trendy.
"... part of the question of knowing ourselves is beginning to recognize that we cannot know the totality of who we are in that moment or who we are going to be... we have see how the illusion of certainty and assumptions become this extra baggage that fills the rooms of their lives until they have no room to move or to even see the other person."
"... we see the reciprocal nature of confession as both self-reflection and relationality. We consider who we are, and we consider the one we are with."
"Confession is a way of saying that we do not know, but we want to learn."
"The decision for two people to live into one another and for one another, carrying all of the history of the world with them, is no small feat."
"As a man, it was not assumed that I would cook or clean or stay home. And wrapped in those assumptions was a whole world of possibilities that I might have found myself gifted for but cut off from. But even more, having responsibility for cooking also allowed me to see my life more holistically, to see that my vocation was not the center of my identity, and to see ways of enjoying and serving Gail and our children that were more fulfilling than I had imagined."
"The life of patriarchy is that somehow our lives are oriented toward freedom and possession and self-determination. And as we scratch and claw for this ideal, we end up overlooking and diminishing the very contingencies that make a full life possible. Doing laundry, carrying for an aging parent, dog sitting for a friend, taking a meal to a neighbor who broke their leg--these are not the seemingly heroic gestures of blockbuster movies that shape our male imaginations. But they are the salt of life, the small moments that help us see the people in our midst and learn to save, struggle with, and recognize our own needs and possibilities as humans."
"Peace was about trust that we would be with one another in the midst of it... Trust is the belief that in the end you are walking with someone who is most committed not to the destination but to walking together."
"Marriage isn't necessary for God to transform communities. It's no the pinnacle of human life or the cornerstone of society... but it is a particular way of participating in God's work in the world. And it's one important way we are all reminded that we cannot do this work without being bound to another. We have to choose one another again and again. We have to choose God again and again."
"So they each wake up one morning to see another who is like them but is not them, one who can choose and love, one whom they must struggle to learn."
"Any notion of covenant that only speaks to how it benefits the participants is merely a legal agreement, not a theological or Spirit-filled presence. In God's life, covenant is a way for our lives to point beyond ourselves. Marriage as covenant is the beautiful struggle to cultivate a space where God works...
We have access to the possibility of everything, and yet nothing seems to meet our needs... It begins to feel easier to keep moving rather than discover the depths of a place (or a person). A covenant relationship is one that roots us in the world with this person and not that person."
My favorite sentiment of this whole book is at the end, when describing a covenant marriage.
"I choose not to be who I am without you."
I think this is fitting to our times as the 'self-care' train of thinking is relevant and trendy.
"... part of the question of knowing ourselves is beginning to recognize that we cannot know the totality of who we are in that moment or who we are going to be... we have see how the illusion of certainty and assumptions become this extra baggage that fills the rooms of their lives until they have no room to move or to even see the other person."
"... we see the reciprocal nature of confession as both self-reflection and relationality. We consider who we are, and we consider the one we are with."
"Confession is a way of saying that we do not know, but we want to learn."
"The decision for two people to live into one another and for one another, carrying all of the history of the world with them, is no small feat."
"As a man, it was not assumed that I would cook or clean or stay home. And wrapped in those assumptions was a whole world of possibilities that I might have found myself gifted for but cut off from. But even more, having responsibility for cooking also allowed me to see my life more holistically, to see that my vocation was not the center of my identity, and to see ways of enjoying and serving Gail and our children that were more fulfilling than I had imagined."
"The life of patriarchy is that somehow our lives are oriented toward freedom and possession and self-determination. And as we scratch and claw for this ideal, we end up overlooking and diminishing the very contingencies that make a full life possible. Doing laundry, carrying for an aging parent, dog sitting for a friend, taking a meal to a neighbor who broke their leg--these are not the seemingly heroic gestures of blockbuster movies that shape our male imaginations. But they are the salt of life, the small moments that help us see the people in our midst and learn to save, struggle with, and recognize our own needs and possibilities as humans."
"Peace was about trust that we would be with one another in the midst of it... Trust is the belief that in the end you are walking with someone who is most committed not to the destination but to walking together."
"Marriage isn't necessary for God to transform communities. It's no the pinnacle of human life or the cornerstone of society... but it is a particular way of participating in God's work in the world. And it's one important way we are all reminded that we cannot do this work without being bound to another. We have to choose one another again and again. We have to choose God again and again."
"So they each wake up one morning to see another who is like them but is not them, one who can choose and love, one whom they must struggle to learn."
"Any notion of covenant that only speaks to how it benefits the participants is merely a legal agreement, not a theological or Spirit-filled presence. In God's life, covenant is a way for our lives to point beyond ourselves. Marriage as covenant is the beautiful struggle to cultivate a space where God works...
We have access to the possibility of everything, and yet nothing seems to meet our needs... It begins to feel easier to keep moving rather than discover the depths of a place (or a person). A covenant relationship is one that roots us in the world with this person and not that person."
November 22, 2023
Going to be honest, we were hopefully for a good marriage read together. We were given this book as a resource that was newly released and enjoy reading together in the morning. It was quickly apparent that this was not a resource for Christians, but it was a resource by Christians for any couple. I was expecting that a minister and religion professor would make mention of Scripture and it's transformative power in marriage, but was surprised to find little mention of God's power over their own strength and determination to do marriage. I am so glad that many have found this to be a helpful resource and that this powerhouse ministry-couple are doing great work in ministering to couples. I would hope that a resource like this would capture God's sovereignty rather than how we, as humans, make things work.
April 15, 2022
I may need to recalibrate my stars bc I really enjoyed this book but I feel like 3-5 stars means suggesting it to people, writing down tidbits and underlining all the words w ! marks. This book was suggested by our church and I think it was cool to view marriage with the lens of more to do with just the own relationship. They talked a lot about sexism and racism and our cultural histories playing large roles in our partnerships which was coolio. I just think some of the stuff was pretty obvious but also I’m not married so don’t ask me 🤪
September 28, 2022
This book fills a gaping hole in the world of Christian marriage books by actually acknowledging the ways that gender and race affect marriage. It's uniquely focused on inter-racial and egalitarian couples.
I really appreciated the back and forth perspectives by both Gail and Brian. The included discussion questions prompted some really fruitful conversations for me and my husband. Just wish this was a bit longer and delved a little deeper.
I really appreciated the back and forth perspectives by both Gail and Brian. The included discussion questions prompted some really fruitful conversations for me and my husband. Just wish this was a bit longer and delved a little deeper.
April 11, 2023
I really enjoyed this book by the Bantums. So many Christian marriage books don't address real tensions and issues, especially from an egalitarian perspective. This book did - it was honest, open but also incredibly helpful. It was less of a "You must do this" and more of a "Here's what we did and how its been helpful." Highly recommend.
July 6, 2023
I really appreciated the openness and honesty with which Gail and Brian shared, and especially their tackling of patriarchy and how it affects our marriages. Our church hosted an event where we got to hear from Gail and Brian in person, and that definitely added to my appreciation of their perspectives.
March 2, 2022
Choosing Us is a window into the life of an interracial couple who are honestly pursuing wholeness and thriving for one another. It's honest, truthful, real, practical, and offers a creative imagination for what marriage can look like.
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April 13, 2022A necessary take on marriage from progressive Christian leaders who deeply understand the contexts of the world that married couples find themselves in and the price love, in all its forms, costs us.
August 24, 2022
Very good and the first marriage book I’ve read from an egal position. There was more focus on race than I expected and some stuff (especially communication and other practical things) that wasn’t given much time, but there was some great things too
July 9, 2022
Really good, particularly because it’s different from other marriage books and other Christian relationship books, giving a wider context to that important one-on-one relationship.
February 25, 2024
This is a chew the meat, spit out the bones sort of situation. There are some solid principles as well as some insightful thoughts in there, but a lot of it was a bit vague and scattered.
January 3, 2025
Enjoyed a little more as a memoir, but I think the title misrepresents the book a bit. I did appreciate the intercultural learning and servanthood captured in the relationship.
January 23, 2025
Meh... had some good content, but was mostly about racism and woke culture. Interpretation of scriptures to fit personal feelings and beliefs. The husband sounds like a pamphlet for feminism.
Displaying 1 - 19 of 19 reviews