Sincerely, Your Autistic Child: What People on the Autism Spectrum Wish Their Parents Knew About Growing Up, Acceptance, and Identity

by Emily Paige Ballou (Editor), Sharon daVanport (Editor), Morénike Giwa Onaiwu (Editor)

A rare and diverse collection of autistic voices that highlights to parents the unique needs of girls and nonbinary people who are growing up with autism.

Most resources available for parents come out of the medical model of disability--from psychologists, educators, parents, and doctors--offering parents a narrow and technical approach to autism. Furthermore, it is widely believed that many autistic girls and women are underdiagnosed, which has further limited the information available regarding the unique needs of girls and nonbinary people with autism.

Sincerely, Your Autistic Child represents an authentic resource for parents and others who care about autism written by people who understand this experience most, autistic people themselves. From childhood and education to culture, gender identity, and sexuality, this anthology of autistic contributors tackles the everyday challenges of growing up while honestly addressing the emotional needs, sensitivity, and vibrancy of the autistic community with a special focus on autistic girls and nonbinary people. Written like letters to parents, the contributors reflect on what they have learned while growing up with autism and how parents can avoid common mistakes and overcome challenges while raising their child.

Sincerely, Your Autistic Child calls parents to action by raising awareness and redefining "normal" in order to help parents make their child feel truly accepted, valued, and celebrated for who they are.

Contributors: B. Martin Allen, Brigid Rankowski, Kassiane Asasumasu, Amelia “Mel” Evelyn Voicy Baggs, Lei Wiley-Mydske, Haley Moss, Lydia XZ Brown, Kayla Rodriguez, Amythest Schaber, Jennifer St. Jude, Maxfield Sparrow, Mallory Cruz, Amy Sequenzia, Karen Lean, Lynne Soraya, Kayla Smith, Alexandra Forshaw, Heidi Wangelin/HW, Victoria M. Rodríguez-Roldán, Jane Strauss, Ondrea Marisa Robinson, Katie Levin, Jean Winegardner, Dusya Lobanova, Emily Paige Ballou, Sharon daVanport, and Morénike Giwa Onaiwu.
Foreword and Afterword by Jess Wilson and Beth Ryan.

Genres: Autistic Spectrum Disorder, Nonfiction, Parenting, Disability, Psychology, Mental Health, Essays

224 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 30, 2021

Reviews

[Danielle Sullivan · Rating 4 out of 5]

(This book is on my Best Books About Neurodiversity list at Bookshop.)

I wish they gave this book out at autism evaluations instead of the shitty explainers I got.

[Maegen · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5, but I'll round up. I'm an autistic adult, so I'm not the target audience, so I overall found the book to have good tips at times, but it was still too surface level for me personally. Again, I'm not the target audience, but I kind of wish it had given parents more in letting them know things they can do to help their kids succeed in life. Some did- and I liked the ones that went deeper- but several boiled down to "support your kid" which, if the parent is reading the book, they are most likely doing somewhat already. I also had some issues with a couple of comments and I wish there had been more nuance in the writers chosen (not everyone has a good feeling about being autistic- I know I hate it at times and get upset and I wish a more complex array of feelings had been shown. Parents do need to be ready for that after all, I know someone just being supportive of me doesn't me overcome the issues that have built up in me over time). I did like that we got a lot of different background and a lot of the older writers had some good insights.
Sorry if the sentences are weird, I'm in the middle of a shut down as I write this :(

[Kristan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I feel like the book’s title is very misleading, and they should have gone with the original title, “What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew.” As a mom to boys, I really wanted to hear stories from the male perspective (or at least a balance of both). I’m sure my review would be very different if I had a daughter, and I’d still recommend it for parents of girls (or kids who identity as girls).

[akacya ❦ · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book everybody should read. I learned so much about the A/autistic community, what they (especially those who aren’t boys) go through, and how I can be a better ally. It’s amazing that so many people collaborated to help make this book the best possible by giving different perspectives.

Completed for 2021 Popsugar reading challenge; prompt #18—a book about a subject you are passionate about

[Ellen Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

10-15 years ago, when I first began teaching and caregiving, most of the books on autism I found were written by clinicians and parents of autistic children. This is the book I wish I’d had then, and am so grateful to have now. The essays in this collection share authentic, heartfelt, and entirely individual perspectives from Autistic women and non-binary people. I highly recommend this book!

[Nora · Rating 4 out of 5]

1. This is specifically geared towards girls with Autism, though has a lot of generally applicable advice
2. It does a really great job representing the spectrum of Autism and the talent, features and challenges kids (and adults) with Autism face
3. The main takeaway, which should be obvious, is love your child however they are
4. My takeaway is to try to connect my kiddo with older kids and adults with Autism
5. And thank goodness I get to raise kids in 2021 instead of 1981.

[Jonathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Always good, and important, to hear ASC voices that help us NT parents better understand our child's experience.

[Nicole Westen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A collection of essays written by autistic adults discussing the things they wish their parents had known when they were children, even if they were not aware of it themselves in childhood. This covers different races and identities, which is good, because we still need to work on dispelling the misconception that autism is a 'white man's' condition. Also, you are more likely to find someone of a different gender identity or sexual orientation among the autistic population, which should go a long way in showing that such things are arbitrary social designations.
A lot of this resonated with me and helped me feel a little better, knowing that I wasn't alone in what I went through, not that anyone should have to go through such a traumatizing experience, but when you are the only autistic you know, or the only autistic female you know, you can feel like you are the only one who is going through these things.
I wouldn't just suggest this book for parents, but also friends and other family, or anyone who cares deeply for an autistic person, to give you some insight into what we have, and still, struggle with, and that ultimately we all what the thing that most neurotypical people want, to be accepted for who we are.

[Josephine Moon · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although the title says 'child' all the voices in this book are girls/women/trans women/nonbinary, which doesn't diminish the content, I just found it a little confusing. (There is some sort of explanation at the beginning about why they changed the title.)

Having said that, there were some resounding themes throughout, repeated by each chapter's author, that really hit home. If you have a child on the spectrum, much of this will hit home.

[Kiley Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Must Read - For Everyone!

This beautifully written book is something EVERYONE should read, not just parents of autistic children. I found myself highlighting so many parts that spoke to me and plan to go back to reference them over and over again. The writers do a great job of dispelling the popular myths about autism and proclaiming the wonder and possibility of autistic personhood.

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn’t read every essay because I found the same general message: autistic adults (I still struggle to use that word instead of using person-first language) telling parents of autistic children to love them unconditionally, to not put them in ABA, and to redefine normal as their kids make their way in a supportive, loving family. And that’s great! I’m down with that!

I’m looking for a parenting book, one that can help me talk to my boy (boys?) with autism, who struggle to see others’ perspectives, who think in black and white, who are sometimes emotionally explosive. I’ll keep searching.

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book by recommendation from a friend who is the mother of an autistic boy. While this book focuses on autistic girls mostly, it serves as a good reminder of how we interact with folks who are autistic, disabled, trans, etc. The book is written by multiple authors, each writing their own chapter, going in detail about their experience being autistic. I liked the format and appreciated the honesty of each chapter.

[Amy Hageman · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is a series of 30 essays written by Autistic adults about what they wish their parents had known. The number one message: Acceptance, acceptance, acceptance. Feeling truly loved and accepted are the key to living a flourishing and a happy life. I appreciated the diversity of voices and experiences - all with the same ultimate message.

[Lisa]

A collection with many different writers will usually be varied, and this one didn't really land with me. I didn't realize it was originally called "Sincerely, Your Autistic Daughter," and I wonder if "Sincerely, Your Autistic Daughters and Non-Binary Children" might have been a better title.

[Mariana Osorio Schlögl · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for everyone.

It’s time to listen to the real EXPERTS on autism. The ones who are autistic!

Their kind but assertive words are the strength that every parent of an autistic child must hear.

Thank you to all who work on this book 💛💛💛💛

[Andy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Affirming, beautiful, and immensely heart-warming this book can revolutionise how we view the autistic community, and is a real source of positivity and advocacy that struck me deeply.

[Jenna]

okay so right off the bat i think the only big critique i have of this book is something that cannot be a valid critique...i wasn't a huge fan of how this book is geared towards parents/written with children in mind, but that is like....the entire point of the book. i think it made it difficult to connect to some of the chapters just because some feel much more "OKAY MOM HERE IS HOW TO HELP YOUR BABY GIRL!" whereas some were more reflections of being an autistic child or what it's like to discover your autism later in life. which is to say, if i was a parent or if i could have given this to my parents a kid, i think it's brilliant...but as a 28 year old trying to self-diagnose, i kinda took what i could get.

so like...basically...i cried while listening to this book! i think the biggest takeaway from this (and we're not broken) is that we have never fully understood autism and further more, we have never fully explained what autism is to the general public. or rather, people with power do not elevate the autistic voices that could explain autism better. because while i am now almost fully convinced that i am on the spectrum and have been my whole life, the main reason i was never aware of that (aside from internalized ableism and the fact that i grew up in the 90s/early 2000s when it was almost seen as a death sentence to be autistic) is because NOBODY TOLD ME WHAT IT WAS! like i had vague ideas of what it looked like either from the media or kids at school, but those were generally either misunderstood or else it was people who needed a lot of support. if you had asked me what i thought autism was growing up (or even like...semi-recently?) i would not have been able to give you an answer and i definitely couldn't give you one that wasn't ableist or rude. we as a country have been so intent on curing autism that nobody really takes the time to understand it or explain it effectively...so how could i have known that all of my textbook autistic traits are ACTUALLY AUTISM!

anyway, i don't know how effective this book is or how well-respected it is in the community and i think there are some questionable parts about it for sure, but overall this benefitted me immensely and it was so moving and lovely and i think i am actually fully convinced that i am autistic - and that is a GREAT THING!!!! smiles are huge, highly recommend, am convinced that a large portion of the people in my life are actually autistic they just don't know it. very grateful for this book!!!

[Heather Bottoms · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was looking for an anthology of diverse voices for the Read Harder Challenge and an autistic acquaintance had recommended this book. Since it’s Autism Acceptance month, it thought I’d give this a read. I have several family members and friends on the autism spectrum and was glad for the chance to learn more. This is a great collection of essays written by a diverse group of autistic women, nonbinary, and trans folks. Several mention the common intersection between autism and LGBT identities and how autistic women are often diagnosed later in life. Excellent book.

[Naja · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Being happy is not the same as being normal. We just want to be accepted”

Måske er det på plads at fortælle at jeg allerede begyndte at græde på side 3 af denne bog, disse historie rang sandt helt indeni mig. Jeg har sjældent følt mig så set og forstået som jeg gjorde mens jeg læste disse breve. Så af hjerte tak til hver eneste af bidragsyderne.

“I have a place in this world. The fact that I am here is proof of that. Trust that we will find that place, together”

Sincerly your autistic child er bygget om præmissen er det er breve for autistiske voksne til deres forældre omkring hvad de ville ønske de havde vidst da de voksede op. De har gjort deres bedste for at samle en repræsentativ gruppe i forhold til etnicitet og støttebehov, dog er det kun kvinder og non-binære mennesker som har bidraget.

“Teach your daughter to own her body”

Bogen er opdelt i 3, hvor brevene i den 1 handler om barndom og udannelse og den næste accept og tilpasning og den sidste handler om intersektionelle identitet og at finde fællesskaber.
Fordi der er så mange forskellige emner og perspektiver tror jeg at bogen vil applere til en vid mængde autister.

“You are what you are, and what you are is just as worthy as anyone else”

Vitterligt mit eneste problem med bogen er at de har valgt et glossy cover, hvilket for mig er et sansemæssigt helvedet og gjorde det til lidt en kamp at sidde i længere tid og læse i den 🙈 Så hvis du har samme problem tror jeg at e bogen er vejen frem.

Jeg vil anbefale denne bog til alle autister og deres nærmeste, men jeg vil også anbefale den til alle andre som gerne vil vide mere om autisme.
Det her er en bog jeg ville ønske var oversat til dansk, for jeg tror på at det er super vigtig for unge autister og forældre at høre perspektiv for ældre autister. Jeg tror på at det er vigtig at høre hvad ville have gjort en forskel på alle.
Jeg har vitterligt lyst til at skrive til folk i forhold til at få det til at ske, men har ingen om hvor jeg skal begynde så det kommer nok ikke til at ske 🤷‍♀️

[Cherie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Read this just in time for Autism Awareness Month, This book made me cry multiple times. In a good way mostly because you could feel the concern and the love pouring out from the pages. It was nice to read something that didn't devolve into a lot of the extremism that is online these days (autistic adults who seem to think all autism parents are abusive and terrible on one side and autism parents who dismiss autistic adults because they think they are all snowflakes on the other).

For once, this wasn't about who knows best or which side has the right to say they're the child's voice. Instead, it was about how can this information be combined - what the autistic people know from their own experiences combined with the knowledge and the love of autism parents who are doing their best to help their kids. Like a real team effort between autistic adults who want the future generation to avoid the suffering they went through and autism parents who truly love their children even if they don't understand the way their kids' minds work.

I also like that the book had nonverbal autistic writers in it because we need to hear from all parts of the spectrum. In fact, the book was really diverse in general with people from all kinds of groups.

There were lots of good chapters, but I think my favorite is a tie between "It's Us Against the World, Kid" and "Perfect in an Imperfect World." The authors in those chapters speak so highly of how much their parents have helped them to become successful adults. Even though their parents were not autistic they taught them not to be ashamed of being different, and now as adults they are passing that message of acceptance on to the world.

[Juliette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a collection of essays by autistic women and non-binary people published by AWN, a major autistic self advocacy network.

Many essays center around what these autistic adults wish their parents had known when they were younger. There is a wide variety of perspectives from people of various ages and backgrounds.

Some had to go through autism “treatment” programs like ABA before the internet allowed them to discover the autistic community. This is an example of how the internet can help connect you with people you would never have known. It’s sad to think of all the autistic kids who are taught that their autism is a disease and who may never realize it’s not.

One essay I found very interesting was on diagnosis. Many autistic people wish they had been diagnosed at a younger age, because it allows for greater support and understanding. I myself am grateful I got diagnosed in the fifth grade. This essay explores why that’s not always for the best, though. The author is glad she is diagnosed now, but speaks about how being diagnosed as a child can lead to treatment programs and being viewed as diseased or a neurotypical child stolen away. Diagnosis is very complex and I appreciated this essay’s perspective.

It’s a sad book because it makes you reflect on all the harm done to autistic children. Most of these parents don’t have bad intentions, but are themselves preyed upon by groups like Autism Speaks via fear tactics. I hope neurotypical parents read this book and have their perspective changed. It’s a very powerful and important read.

[Chris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Painful to read, too close to home. Too many bullies in the world , some folks have great services and support, and too many folks left behind. Some of the contributors in this book had great or at least good access to services and support that are not universally available. I just don't feel that peer networks/support groups are as well developed as they could be. So many school systems are caught up in budgets, not really interested in fully compensating for folks on the spectrum. So much of the public not in sympathy with helping those on the spectrum achieve their life goals. Its a cruel world. The contributors experiences do ring home. Painfully. ,,,but more did need to be said about males with Asperger's / autism. Perhaps they are being stereotyped a bit here? The allusion that they can get by being quiet and playing video games and immersing themselves in technical pursuits? Get by as in, not being picked on, not standing out,,,? Perhaps that wasn't a goal of the book but the allegations need a closer look.

[Hayley Meredith · Rating 4 out of 5]

“I want you to know that your child is a whole person, just as they are. That she is not lacking any essential feature of what it means to be human. There is no missing piece of her you have to find; she is all there, even if you don’t know how to understand her yet. I want you to know that he does have an intact mind. It’s just a mind that may work very differently from those of the people around him, in ways that are still obscure to most of us, in ways that he doesn’t know how to tell you about yet. I want you to know that she has a future as an autistic person.

I want you to know that your child is or value to the world, and the world has a place and a need for them.”

[Erin · Rating 5 out of 5]

While no one book can or should be the complete guide for parents and there are even essays in this book that I disliked or disagreed with parts of (the ones that used person-first language, unsurprisingly), this book is truly phenomenal. Every parent of an autistic child - especially an autistic girl or non-binary child should read this. I think autistic women may appreciate it too. I look forward to recommending it to many many people!

[Sharon Mondragón · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has given me a great deal to think about. A child who is dear to me has recently been diagnosed with autism and I read this book to begin to understand his experience and what I can do to make life good for him. This book has helped me see through the eyes and hearts of autistic people and has made me more determined than ever to support this child as he learns to navigate the world as an autistic person.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a great read for anyone with an autistic person in their life especially a child. It is insightful and eye opening. It includes essays from a diverse group of autistics. This book is a reminder that we should embrace our children for all of the beautiful things that come along with their autism.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's a non fiction, epistolary style book by autistic people for caregivers and other neurotypicals.
It made me feel better about my parenting, so that bumps it up extra stars to begin with. I listened to it on audiobook, I found the chapters short and full of information from various experiences.

[Nesta Newman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of this wasn’t as relevant to me because I don’t have an autistic child, but I might in the future, and I also wanted to know more about the experience of being autistic from autistic people. It really opened my eyes to the value of empathy and acceptance of diversity, and it was lovely to hear of autistic people thriving across society

[Brett · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so important and necessary for parents of Autistic children to read. I started highlighting passages and pages and eventually gave up because found the whole anthology is packed with insight into how to support and nurture kids on the spectrum. My first time reading, but won’t be my last… I have some work to do!

[Helle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a powerful collection of autistic voices expressing so completely how many of us feel. As a queer, gender-nonconforming, autistic adult, I found many of my own experiences mirrored in the lives of others. I hope this is the beginning of a new trend in sharing lived experience to strengthen the power of a more caring and accepting community.