When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable: How to Break the Pattern of People Pleasing and Confidently Live Your Life

by Karen Ehman, Lysa TerKeurst (Foreword)

Are you overwhelmed by others' unrealistic expectations of you? Do you feel torn in dozens of directions as you try to make everyone around you happy? If you're ready to end the cycle of approval seeking, New York Times bestselling author and recovering people pleaser Karen Ehman is here to help! When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable shares the refreshing, heartfelt lessons that Karen learned firsthand during her own journey of breaking free from people pleasing in order to live out her God-given purpose. Let Karen be your new go-to guide as you learn to successfully break the destructive pattern of people pleasing and start fully embracing the life God has called you to lead. With equal parts humor and vulnerability, Karen explores why it's so easy to fall into people-pleasing behaviors and reminds us that we can't fulfill our divine purpose if we're too busy living everyone else's. She offers her timely advice for living with less overwhelm and with more peace and purpose, sharing words of wisdom that will help Join Karen as she encourages you to walk closely--and confidently--with our loving Creator, despite the opinions and expectations of others. It's time to end the people-pleasing game and finally enjoy the peaceful and purposeful life that you deserve.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Christian Living, Personal Development, Audiobook, Christian, Mental Health

224 pages, Paperback

Published August 3, 2021

About the author

Karen Ehman is a speaker, a New York Times bestselling author, a contributing writer for Proverbs 31 Ministries Encouragement for Today online devotions and a teacher in the First 5 Bible study app. She has written 21 books and Bible studies including Keep It Shut: What to Say, How to Say It, and When to Say Nothing at All and the 2020 ECPA devotional book of the year Settle My Soul. She is a graduate of Spring Arbor University and serves as President-Elect of their Alumni Board of Directors. She has been featured on TODAY Parenting, Redbook.com, Foxnews.com, Crosswalk.com, YouVersion.com, and is a monthly columnist for HomeLife Magazine. Her passion is to help women live their priorities as they reflect the gospel to a watching world. Karen is married to her college sweetheart, Todd, and is the mother of six children: three biological and three in-laws by marriage—although she forgets which ones are which. She enjoys collecting vintage Pyrex kitchenware, cheering for the Detroit Tigers, and spending her days feeding the many people who gather around her mid-century dining table to process life and enjoy her county fair blue-ribbon winning cooking.

Reviews

[Jess the Shelf-Declared Bibliophile · Rating 3 out of 5]

After starting this book, I quickly came to realize I really am not much of a people pleaser, but I enjoyed the author's narration of the audiobook, her general advice that I felt could still be applied to my life, and her Christian influence without it feeling pushy, so I ended up finishing the book. Her points about what things will we feel we missed out on once we're older, and always choosing what will make you happiest in the long run were especially poignant.

[Lila Diller · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was all right, but it wasn't anything special. The topic is very needed, and I have been working on people-pleasing for a while now myself. There were a few helpful nuggets.

But overall, I wasn't impressed. It wasn't very applicable, it was full of fluffy stories without a point, and it was very personal. Too personal. I just kept saying, “Good for her.” But I rarely said, “That's for me!”

(I received a copy for free from the publisher. I was not compensated for this review. All opinions are my own, as was the decision to write this review.)

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

At first I thought this was just another book about boundaries but it’s really about more. It's about the idea that we want people to have a certain opinion of us. We want others to think we have it all together or that we’re reliable, kind, that we are "superwoman" etc. but that can be a form of idolizing ourselves and the image we want others to have of us. There is nothing wrong with being a nice person but sometimes you can over extend yourself in order to keep others happy to the detriment of things that are important to you. How high of a pedestal do you want other people to place you? And what are you willing to give up for them to think so greatly of you? Are you willing to sacrifice your time, talents and money for other people to think you're so great? For me, this book was a gut check to evaluate all of the things I’m saying yes to and making sure those yeses and genuine and not just because I want others to think highly of me. I liked the quote of “don’t take on more than you can pray for” and I think I’ll be keeping that phrase close at heart.

[Dawn · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not sure how I feel about this book. Sometimes I thought the author ws selfish and at other times, I thought she was spot on!!! As I was listening to this, I was asked by five differrent people to help them out. Of course, I said yes. But her words kept coming back to me. I resolve that I will reevaluate the situation next time and take some of her advice. However, I did end up listening to each CD twice so I did get some sage advice out of her words. A solid 3.5 for me!

[Kara · Rating 4 out of 5]

While this is an easy-to-read format with simple ideas and suggestions, it is certainly convicting. Ehman skillfully guides the reader through the symptoms of people pleasing (even including a 20-question "What Is Your Approval Rating? quiz in chapter 1) to truly define the problem and get to the heart of the issue. She discusses what this looks like in various relationships and settings and competently and gently discusses what scripture says about the issue concluding that people pleasing is essentially the sin of pride and idolatry. Gulp... And yet, she doesn't leave the reader feeling beat down, instead she weaves the gospel throughout offering true hope and practical ideas and even quotable phrases to use when apply these scriptural principles.

Quotes and ideas I want to remember:
Chapter 1 The Prison of People Pleasing
When you become addicted to approval of others ("approval junkie), longing for belonging, acceptance and craving the calm of a no tension conversation and the security of being liked requires you to become a skillful liar. "People pleasers are also deceivers. We do not always speak truth. We shade it. Skirt it. Dress it up just a tad before taking it for a spin. Or-worst of all-we leave truth completely out of the picture."

Chapter 2 What (Or Actually Who) Are We Afraid Of?
I do not need anyone's permission to do God's will.
"We do not need the approval of others. It is totally unnecessary. We have already secured the greatest approval of all, that of being a child of the Most High God."

Chapter 3 Pushers, Pouters, Guilt Bombers, and Others Who Try to Call the Shots
Discernment as C.H. Spurgeon puts it, "Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It is knowing the difference between right and almost right."
These are times we are urged to place another's wishes above our own.
Children are to seek to please and obey their parents (Eph 6:1-3, Col 3:20)
We are instructed to please those in authority over us in work situations (Eph 6:5-8)
Spouses are encouraged to think of each other's desires and wishes (Eph 5:15-33)
We are told to not only think of our own interests, but also to the interests of others (Phil 2:3-5)
We are to honor and obey those God has placed in positions of authority in our government, knowing they were placed there by him.
We are to be devoted to one another in love, honoring others above ourselves (Rom 12:10)
We are to please our neighbors, for their good, in order to build them up. (Rom 15:2)
We seek to "become all things to all people" in order to win them to the gospel (I Cor 9:19-23)

Chapter 4 Well, to Be Honest with You
Quote by Ronald Reagan "Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means."
Options to speak the truth when it may hurt: "It's not my favorite." "See if you can come up with something different. I'm confident you can." "I'm hesitant to be honest for risk of offending you, but I feel it's best to tell the truth."
It's a lie I tell myself that I won't have any friends if I speak truth. There is peace of mind when shooting straight while simultaneously expressing love and care for others.

Chapter 5 What Digital Is Doing to Us
"When you put some firm boundaries in place, there's no doubt it will upset some people and you may have to navigate some uncomfortable conversations. However, you will be saving your sanity by monitoring your capacity and using your time wisely. Don't let the guilt get to you. It's usually false guilt anyway, heaped on you by the other person."

Chapter 6 How to Be in the "No"
"Every time we say yes to something we shouldn't, we are saying no to something important."
Questions to ask before agreeing to a request:
1. Have I been deliberate to pray about daily decision making in my life?
2. Does this violate anything God has laid out in scripture?
3. Have I taken time to ponder and pray about this specific request?
4. Have I laid out a pro and con list?
5. Have I factored in what saying yes to this will do to my other roles and commitments?
6. Might I be able to grant the request if I delegated something else?
7. Have I solicited input from others who are prayers and have my best interest at heart?
8. Once I have figure out my decision but not given it yet have I honestly asked myself if pleasing another person had a role in it?
Gentle, but Strong, Go-to Statements
"While I would love to help, I simply don't have the bandwidth right now to be of any assistance."
"I really care about you and what you are experiencing. However, I'm not able to carve out any time to help with this without dropping some balls at work or at home so I have to say no."
"I can see you clearly need some help, but my saying yes would actually be detrimental because I can't give this the focus it requires and deserves."
"God's been dealing with me about taking on too much responsibilities outside of my home. therefore, I'm in a season of not taking on anything new right now. Thanks for understanding."
"I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Although I am not able to help remedy it, I will be praying that you find the perfect person to help."

"Sticking to your guns and remaining consistent will take focused discipline. And loads of wisdom. And perpetual perseverance. But God is more than willing to give us all of this. Just remember, you don't owe others and excuse for why you said no, but you will owe God an explanation for why you said yes."

Chapter 7 It's Not about You (But Sometimes It Should Be)
"The feelings of others are not your responsibility. Allow God to work in their lives rather than rushing in to save the day, turning their frown upside down. It's not your job. It is his."
A quote from Eleanor Roosevelt "Do what you feel in your heart will be right, for you'll be criticized anyway."

Chapter 8 The Juggle Is Real
"You teach people how to treat you."
"Live your priorities. Love Your Life."
"The more deliberate you want to be with your time, and the greater you desire to please God with your schedule, the more people you must be willing to disappoint."

Chapter 9 It All Comes Down to You and Jesus
Quote from Lecrae "If you life for people's acceptance, you will die from their rejection."
"Keeping the crowd from booing is exhausting. And constant. It pecks at our brains and eats away at our souls. When we conduct our lives terrified of the reaction of the crowd, we can't keep our focus on the One whose opinion, love, and acceptance really matters."
"God will provide the strength as you run to him rather than bow to others. Sure, it may be stressful for you to stand up for yourself. But either way there is going to be stress. Either you will experience the stress that results from being upfront and honest, risking disappointment, offending or even angering someone else. Or, you will face the stress of carrying out the wishes of another because you decided to please them rather than do what you sense God is calling you to do."
When considering the choice between two activities, "Looking back from the grave, which will I be more thankful that I chose?"

[Kyle Brookins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Book

I could have highlighted the whole book. I feel like so much of this book was written directly for me. Such a great read. I will definitely read this again. Highly recommend.

[Ginger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. The author stated excellent facts based on scripture. A book I definitely needed to read a will recommend to my friends and family members.

[Brianna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ouch my toes. Karen breaks it down for you on people pleasing and gives ideas and advice on how to make life changes. It’s a definite must read.

[Darcy Schock · Rating 5 out of 5]

Topic: breaking free from people pleasing

Who it may interest: Anyone who knows they struggle with people pleasing or anyone who thinks it’s a good Christian thing to do to say yes to every good request while feeling burnt out and frazzled.

Helpfulness: This book will be extremely helpful for those who need to break free from people pleasing. It pointed out many things God laid on my heart/others told me that helped me break free from people pleasing. For example: people pleasers are great liars (smiling and saying yes while inwardly resentful), people pleasing can be an idol, we are responsible for our actions but not others reactions. When I picked up this book I was hoping for more on how to live confidently vs breaking free. It touched on it, but I didn’t feel it helped me live confidently in it. Maybe that’s just on me to wade through and have faith in.

Ease of reading: It was an easy yet thought provoking read.

Main takeaway: We need to love God first then people, not the other way around.


I give this book a 5/5 for those still in people pleasing. For me at my current stage a 4/5 as it reassured me more than taught me how to live confidently this new life 🤗.

[Charity (Booktrovert Reader) · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is alright.
She made some really good points that weren't really delved into too much. But it did help validate some areas in my life that helps me. She used stories in her life that helped tell what point she was driving across.
She did veer into boundary setting which in turn makes sense to the subject of people pleasing, but wish it was more on topic than anything.

[Jordan Bryant · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5⭐️

This book had a lot of interesting points that a person could easily apply in their own life, but too much religion was incorporated in my opinion. I skipped over a lot of it.

[Danielle Hart · Rating 3 out of 5]

**3.5** some good tips and relatable. Just was hard to get into at first and got kind of annoying at times

[Jenny · Rating 1 out of 5]

Grabbed this book from the library based on the and didn't realize that this was geared solely for Christians

[Heather Kee · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you are a people pleaser at heart listen or read this book! It gave me the courage to begin saying no I’m a world I said yes too often and spread myself too thin.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I discovered a transformative book during what I refer to as my “obligation collapse”—a time when my carefully planned schedule of commitments crumbled under the strain of exhaustion. For years, I equated my worth with my usefulness, believing that being a “good” person meant prioritizing others' comfort, often at the expense of my own well-being and identity. Karen Ehman’s book, When Making Others Happy Is Making You Miserable, served as more than just a catchy title; it felt like a diagnosis.

This book is not a theoretical exploration of personality types; it is a practical, faith-infused guide for individuals who are often people pleasers, written by someone who identifies as a “recovering approval-seeker.” Ehman shares her insights not as a distant expert, but as a relatable companion who understands the guilt that follows a “no” and the hollow victory of a resentful “yes.”

Grounded in biblical wisdom and psychological insights, Ehman’s approach is delivered with warmth and Midwestern practicality. She identifies common “people-pleasing pitfalls”—such as the “Disease to Please,” the “Perfection Infection,” and “FOMO (Fear of Missing Out and of Missing Out on being liked).” The book offers actionable strategies for establishing “good boundaries” based on love rather than fear or selfishness. With scripts, reflective questions, and real-life scenarios, she makes the daunting task of setting limits feel achievable.

Reading this book felt like receiving a flashlight in a maze of others’ expectations. Ehman helped me realize that my desire to help was not the issue; the challenge lay in distinguishing between holy service and fear-based transactions for approval. This book didn’t make me selfish; it empowered me to become a soulful person, capable of loving others from a place of abundance rather than depletion.

[Teri Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book actually surprised me. I am often hesitant with books that have titles like this because they often are self-help books that simply push everyone to adopt a victim mentality. This book was not that! It encouraged the reader to take responsibility for their actions, and look to Christ for grace and for wisdom.
This book was very convicting to me in many ways. I’ve been struggling with the idea of why people pleasing is wrong because we are called to serve others as Christians. The answer in this book is simply that people pleasing stems from wrong motivations. Not only are we putting others above Christ in our life, but we are also being prideful and idolizing ourselves when we do things to maintain an outward image of ourselves. As Christians we aren’t called to make others happy or to be “nice.” We are called to follow Christ and to do what is right.
I’m sure if I nit-picked enough at some of her stuff I could find some theological differences and things I disagreed with, but for the most part I appreciated her overall message.
The only reason I’m not giving five stars is because I really didn’t like her writing style. I felt like she tried to hard to be relevant that sometimes it felt like she was talking down to the reader or just sounded straight up “Valley girl.” So it was rather irritating to me at times. Her stories sometimes felt long or irrelevant.

[Vanessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

#75Hard Book 3

Honestly, when I finished the challenge I neglected to pick this book up to finish it, too…not because I didn’t enjoy it or felt I got anything from it, but rather because I was a little burnt out on the challenge itself. I chose books to escape into instead books that held a mirror up to the imperfections I would rather hide…

This book though, it shines so much light on things I didn’t even realize I was doing…and it’s really opened my eyes to things I can control that I had absolutely lost control over.

Am I going to lose “friends” over it?
Possibly.
Am I gong to gain a freedom I’ve never known as well?Absolutely.
Did this book awaken a hunger that felt dormant within me for Christ?
100%.
Am I hoping to grow in my faith and learn my boundaries? Again, a resounding YES.

So, if you are looking at these questions and your answers aren’t the same but you’d like them to be, pick up this book.

People pleasing is a hard habit to break, but centering on Jesus and remembering He is the only one you truly have to
Please…makes letting go just that much easier.

Happy Reading, friends!

**5 Please and Thanks You, Stars**

[Ali Peterson · Rating 1 out of 5]

I picked up this book because the title really resonated with me. Looking back, I wish I had read the full description first. I was expecting more of a business or practical self-development book, but it leaned heavily into religion, which was not what I was looking for.

I also struggled with the author’s tone. At times she came across as entitled, and some of her points felt contradictory. It gave me the impression that she may not have experienced the kind of difficult seasons many of us have faced. As a single working mom with multiple kids, I have been in situations where I truly needed help and felt devastated when it was not available. I gladly return the favor whenever I can or pay for help when possible.

I am grateful for friends and family who ask for help because it reminds me that we are connected and not meant to handle everything alone.

Unfortunately, I did not find anything that helped me manage the overwhelm I feel in my job.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was so timely. Someone recommended it to me recently, but I kept enjoying my fiction books because I knew that when I read it, it would hit me hard. I appreciate that it is biblically based. It made the recommendations more powerful when I knew they were based upon truth. I appreciated the Scriptures to back up each point. I really liked the chapter about lying, and how when we say that we are available to do something or that we can help someone, but that it is messing with our lives. We are really lying. I so appreciated Karen’s useful strategies for each topic. Ways to say no. Ways to help others without making ourselves crazy. I was not familiar with this author before I read this book, and now I have looked up some of her videos, conversations on focus on the family, and other books. I am looking forward to learning more from her.

[Kez · Rating 1 out of 5]

Why do American Christian women write books they clearly only intend for other women to read even when the topics are not female topics? And then write to those women with such a condescending tone? There is zero justification for dumbing down basic Bible study as if none of us have ever heard of a concordance or spending pages upon pages on cutesy stories as if the "women-folk" couldn't possibly understand a point unless it's couched in endless shallow stories we can all giggle about because of how relatable they are (provided you're white, American, wealthy, married, and have kids).

Sigh. This book was—aside from the above—very meh. It only deals with some very basic levels of people pleasing and boundary setting and is overall, about as deep as a kiddie wading pool.

[Sheryl E · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have often thought what others needed/wanted in terms of family, friends, employers, co workers was something I had to say Yes to. Note the word HAD. And now that I know Christ, I do not want to disappoint him, we are to love serving (well Serving in Love is more like it). I started paying attention to what was going on inside me and knew something was off. But as my faith grows and I read books such as these, I thankfully am learning when my yes is loving to me and others; and how to honor what that voice inside my head says. And I can do this with grace and truth by deciding how to handle the times when saying YES is not the right thing to do.

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wish the cover would've mentioned the Christian lectures I was going to receive throughout.
There are some good nuggets inside. I liked the chapter about people pleasers being liars, that made a lot of sense. However, I couldn't relate to the constant Bible versus and God pressure.
Don't let 'people' pressure you to people please, but let God make you feel guilty and shameful or something. I don't know. She shares a lot of personal stories, but most of them weren't relatable. Not helpful.
I'm happy for her if she found her way to release the people pleasing struggles. But she didn't help me at all.
Sadly, I don't recommend.

[Kristin · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you have ever consistently pushed aside what your know is best for you or your family in order to help someone else, then this is the book for you. If you’re constantly worrying what others will think of you, your actions or your decisions, then this is the book for you. Christian author Karen Ehman gently but firmly and lovingly reminds you that at the end of your life, the only one you must please is God. Her books is filled with personal stories of struggle and real-world examples of the disease to please. Strongly recommend.

[Sarah Poss · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought-provoking and practical, this was one of the most helpful books I’ve listened to in a while. Karen addresses the lies and pride that accompany people-pleasing. She packs in plenty of truth from scripture to address the heart of the matter, but she also gives plenty of practical suggestions.
I listened to the audiobook and found that the pacing and tone throughout made it easy to listen to. There’s an accompanying pdf that was very helpful. I will probably buy a hard copy so that I can easily review some of the key ideas.

[Ruth Janna Wheat · Rating 1 out of 5]

all over the place

Let start with Karen Ehman recommends Enneagram as a form of finding out more about more about yourself. She doesn’t note or mention that enneagram origins are from the occult or give any cautions with them.
My second issue is she tries so hard to find scriptures to back her point but her points still do not match up with Gods Word and are unclear.
If one has a problem saying no when necessary then spending time alone in prayer and reading the Bible would be better for them then this watered down book.

[Crystal Buttimer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before reading this book, I never would have even considered I might be sinning simply by "saying yes" or bending over backwards to help people. BUT this book really helped put a new perspective on the art of being helpful and my life.

You can help everyone and volunteer for everything, but if it's not God's will for your life, you are on the wrong path. If you aren't praying and listening to HIM (are you to busy helping to make time for God 😬) then you're sinning.

It's ok to stop and take a beat before you say yes. AND ITS OK TO SAY NO.

[Karla Ticona · Rating 4 out of 5]

La escritura de Karen es espectacular, se siente como estar conversando cara a cara.

La información es totalmente bíblica, con una exégesis bastante uniforme, respetando el corazón del mensaje; y aplicándolo a algo tan mundano como la sensación de mujeres de querer complacer a todo el mundo.

Este libro marca el inicio de mi etapa as a "death of the good girl" en el sentido, que POR FIN, ya no me importa el qué dirán y disfruto mucho ser yo misma.

[Amber · Rating 3 out of 5]

I prefer a book that brings the Lord into the picture but I did enjoy learning more about myself in reading it and not being defined by the norms of this world and focusing on oneself 💜 Learning to say “no” and even giving that wisdom to grandpa recently (February 10th, 2022) was beneficial in reading this book and remaining our unique selves always. No more people pleasing and rather establishing much needed boundaries that must be adhered to.

[Bekah Walters · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’ve been working on my people pleasing tendencies, and this book is a biblical approach to combat them. I felt convicted and empowered at the same time. There are practical truths in here, but also some “good for you, not for me” moments. Most advice I’ve heard before but this is definitely a more in depth and comprehensive take with a lot more of the Bible than other resources. I enjoyed the author’s writing style.

[Marielle Guynup · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read an ARC & loved this book and how real and honest Karen is. She gets directly to the point about just how dangerous people pleasing is on many levels - not only to yourself but your relationship with others and God. She isn’t afraid to admit her own struggles and faults and encourages us with the same encouragement God gave her. I would highly recommend this book to anyone!