Raising Other People's Children: What Foster Parenting Taught Me About Bringing Together A Blended Family

by Debbie Ausburn, Natalie Ford (Foreword)

Raising Other People's Children helps you navigate the complicated world of foster and step-parenting with better awareness and greater empathy, providing real-life solutions for forging strong relationships in extraordinary circumstances.

Drawing on Debbie Ausburn’s decades of experience with every facet of the foster care system, Raising Other People's Children provides expert guidance viewed through the lens of real human interactions.

The responsibility and complexity involved in raising someone else’s child can seem overwhelming. Regardless of whether you’re a stepparent, foster parent or adoptive parent, it is on you to take on the challenge of caring for them, helping them to move forward while also meeting their unique emotional needs.

Genres: Fostering, Nonfiction

160 pages, Paperback

Published May 25, 2021

About the author

I make my living as a lawyer, but what I do is take care of other people’s children. For more than 40 years, I have been working with at-risk children, starting when I was a preteen helping my parents with their summer camp and church ministries. In the years since, I have served as a juvenile court probation officer/social worker, group home parent, criminal prosecutor, volunteer, Board member, and attorney defending youth-serving organizations.

While still single and early in my legal career, I served as a volunteer foster parent for emergency placements. In North Carolina, she worked as a federal prosecutor of child abuse and violent crimes, and I also served as a foster-parent for respite care and long-term placements of abused children and teenagers. I returned home to Georgia, switched to civil law, and married a man with five children, two of them still at home. More recently, my husband and I found ourselves raising the child of one of my former foster children.

In my legal practice, I defend and advise youth-serving organizations. I blog about legal topics at YouthServicesLaw.com, and parenting issues at OtherPeoplesChildren.org.

Reviews

[Adele · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is written by a conservative Christian lawyer whose perspectives and values are largely very different from my own. She mentions her theology, being a federal prosecutor, and knowing “self-sacrificing police officers.” She feels “grateful and nostalgic” for her days in law enforcement. She calls people “minorities” even though this book was published in 2021. She unironically quotes George W Bush.

Aside from her political views, which come up in subtle and not-so-subtle ways throughout the book, the author also has an occasionally harsh style when it comes to interacting with kids. For example, letting a child go without food for the duration of a school day if they forgot their lunch was an acceptable “logical consequence” in her book. She also did not shy away from referring to children as “obnoxious brats” in a short-term sense. (As in: ‘They were being obnoxious brats when they refused to do their chores.’ NOT ‘These children are obnoxious brats.’)

I also do not buy her claim that divorce is always inherently traumatizing for children, and found the inclusion of stepparents’ relationship with stepchildren to distract from the book’s strong points.

“Strong points? What strong points?” You may ask. “Why did you keep reading this book?”

I kept reading because despite it all, there is some good stuff in here. The author is honest, deeply committed to these children and the work of supporting them, and unexpectedly humble in her experiences with them. She is unflaggingly dedicated to the children in her care, and trusts them to be the experts on their lives. Her “law enforcement nostalgia” for example, does not prevent her for listening to and believing her children of color when they tell her about their unjust and frightening interactions with the police. The author learns from the children in her care, and is committed to them.

The other reality here is that there just are not a lot of quality books about foster care. This one was extremely readable, dare I say fast-paced, and it had important themes that are probably universal but which were particularly helpful for me as someone who is considering fostering in the future. For example, I appreciated the author’s reminders that the relationship between a parent and child is nonreciprocal, that even if you listen to all the experts you will often have to ignore their advice because perfect parenting is impossible, and that you need to nurture and maintain your own support system.

A concluding thought:
If you’re thinking about fostering, read this book. Just don’t let it be the only book you read.

[Annie · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're considering foster care (or even a step-parent), this is a wonderful primer on things to expect and how to nurture a blended family. Well-written and incredibly insightful!

[Bruce A · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love the title of this book and the author's often repeated phrase, "you're not the person who was supposed to be there." There's an honesty in that statement that, if you accept it with humility and out of love for your child, will lead to great contentment and wisdom. One great benefit of this book is the many honest stories that are told transparently. She enables us to learn from both her mistakes and successes. Her many illustrations and stories help with the often experienced dilemma, "what do I say in response to that or how do I deal with this situation?" In other words, she puts a lot of practical tools in your tool kit so you can better help your children. She gives a lot of helpful principles with many examples, but she also recognizes that every famliy and every child is different. You never get a feeling that this is a "one size fits all" approach. At the end of the book are discussion questions for each chapter to help you personalize the material or use it in a discussion group. As is typical of the tone of the book, the discussion questions are just there with no suggestion of how to use them. She gives you the freedom to do with them what you think best. If you're a foster or step-parent (or a parent), reading this will be well worth your time.

[D Will · Rating 5 out of 5]

I gave this book 5 stars simply because as a new stepparent it was very informative and helpful for ME. Society deems certain parenting styles as wrong but the truth of the matter in my opinion is that there is no right way to parent children. Every parent is different as is every child. Parenting is a lifelong experience of open communication, compromise and trial and error to put it plainly. It’s definitely more challenging for stepparents to feel they’re parenting properly because we have so many variables to consider. Can’t do too much and we can’t do too little. Gaining the respect of the children and approval of the biological parents is a constant battle and learning experience. It’s not at all for the faint of heart but can be very rewarding to say the least. This book assists those like me in knowing and understanding the ins and outs of raising other people’s children from the challenges to the rewards. Again this is only one perspective from the eyes of a Woman who has had years of experience in foster care as a foster parent. All of the advice may not work for you in your unique situation but I would definitely recommend if you’re open to suggestions on how to navigate your way around a beautifully blended family.

[Christy Krispin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am really glad Debbie Ausburn wrote Raising Other People’s Children, and I have added it to my list of Must-Reads on my web site. In it, Ausburn shares her years-worth of wisdom for foster parents, and everyone considering entering into he world of foster parenting would do well to heed her insights. Her experiences echo my own, and I stand by everything she wrote (with the caveats already noted.) While foster parenting was not my Plan B—my husband and I always planned to foster and never planned to have biological children—I am certainly my children’s Plan B. Given the choice, their biological families would have been safe and stable, and they would have never been separated from their families of origin.

In an ideal world, I would not be my children’s mother.

But, as Ausburn says in her final chapter, “Plan B is not a consolation prize,” and “being someone else’s Plan B (can be) pretty wonderful.” I did not choose my children’s path, but, as I tell them often, I am committed to doing all I can to give them a beautiful life. I am their Plan B, for sure, but our Plan B life is filled with love, laughter, and opportunity. I can’t change what has happened, but I can do my best to shape what’s to come and ensure they have what they need to build a future filled with hope.

Raising Other People’s Children is a great resource for anyone seeking to do just that.

My full review is here: https://afosteredlife.com/2021/12/30/...

[Isabella · Rating 2 out of 5]

Five stars for people who are becoming step-parents, but not exactly perfect for foster parents. However, not for the same reason as other critical reviewer. Someone said this book is political bent and was mad about a George Busch quote, but it was not used in any political way but more as a a general universally comedic quote relating to the discussion. Can you imagine a reviewer criticizing for using a Barrack Obama comedic quote?

Some things I adored. The idea of commitment being the most important aspect of any child's relationship and path to healing was an important and well-written one, but the chapter ends on the last subsection of "giving up".

A lot of the parenting advice veers into consequence-based, even though it is sometimes hidden in things such as "logical consequences" or "boundaries".

Also, even though there was all this talk of commitment, the commitments were not too deep. Children could find themselves disrupted for a variety of reasons, and the presentation of "choices" felt more like ultimatums. Not a great book to teach other foster parents.

The priorities section also feels a little topsy-turvy, and more a reflection on her family dynamics than being a good foster parent.

[Marissa Savala · Rating 4 out of 5]

The concepts of this book are both intuitive and sensible, but have been hard for me to practice as I raise someone else’s child. A couple years into my role as stepmother to a child whose birth mother was not in the picture, I felt very alone and isolated in my experience. Other people just didn’t seem to understand the unique difficulties of my relationship with and feelings toward my “stepson”. Adopting him only made me feel more misunderstood and confused. Here was a child who I loved enough to take legal responsibility for and who made me a mother, and yet I still felt like a fraud, somehow inferior in skill and connection than a parent of their biological children. The author spoke to so many of the thoughts, feelings, insecurities, and challenges I have faced parenting someone else’s child. While the concepts are simple in print they are sometimes challenging in application. The reinforcement of these truths and support through the author’s shared experience were exactly what I needed to hear.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

Raising Other People’s Children presents a thoughtful and balanced approach to foster parenting and blended family parenting. The practical tips and grounded advice come from Ausburn’s many years of experience as a foster parent and step-parent, as well as her decades of work as a lawyer coming alongside and being an advocate for children from broken families. Raising Other People’s Children is also beneficial for adoptive parents. Truly, any parent can find useful information and help in the pages of Ausburn’s work.

Debbie Ausburn gives the reader the opportunity to “sit down with her” and glean from her wisdom in an easy-to-read style that is engaging and full of hope.

The book includes discussion questions to help parents think through their family life and analyze it to learn more about their own childhood as well as their children’s, and how to work with their children through the complexities of their life experiences.

[Gena Hood · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not only for foster parents, or would-be foster parents, blended family parents or brand-new parents. It is full of excellent information for all parents. The author’s writing style is warm and inviting, not preachy or condescending. Her advice is from the school of “personal experience”. This is not a book by an “expert in name only.” This author is the “real deal”. She has actually “been there”, in many different contexts of non-traditional parenting. Throughout the book she shares poignant anecdotes about her experiences with many children over the years - - as a social worker, foster parent and step-parent. You’ll laugh, and perhaps cry; but, for sure, you’ll want to take notes.

[Derek Cunningham · Rating 5 out of 5]

I do not have any foster children of my own (although my wife and I have 4) but we are close friends with several families who have fostered children and adopted children over the years. I would highly recommend this book for anyone who has children in their lives; period....not just to foster families although I feel this book would be especially helpful. It's a must read before you have kids or while you are raising them as it is never too late to learn. The lessons that Debbie shares in her book from first hand experience are excellent recommendations for connecting with any children but especially with those who have a history of traumatic episodes or terrible experiences growing up. I sent the book to two friends already!

[Maggie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m a bit confused by so much praise for this book. I’m a foster parent who generally has teens in my home. At first I enjoyed how straight forward she is and the statement “you may be second choice but you aren’t second best” really hit home for me.

However, I can’t buy into the logical consequence thing. For example- if you don’t study and fail the test then you fell the class and don’t graduate or get a good job, etc. Several of my teens have voiced dropping out of school and if that is not something we work on preventing then that would have life-long consequences. So depending on logical consequences really makes no sense, at least in my house.


With this being said, I’ve read no foster parent books that I love, just adding one to that list.

[Crystal Filiberto · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for anyone who has children in their lives. This book is a collection of a lessons learned first hand as well as research-based recommendations for connecting with children with a history of trauma or adverse childhood experiences. As someone who has worked with high school students and foster children, I found this book informative, relatable, and entertaining. I am grateful to Debbie Ausburn for sharing her experiences and expertise with us. I believe this book will be helpful for all caregivers and parents, and in turn, it will benefit our children as well.

[Donna Caudell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an excellent read for anyone who works with, lives with, or wants to help children. As an educator and school counselor for 29 years I have spent many hours with children who were experiencing the trauma of being placed into foster care, anguished over their parents’ divorce, or trying to sort out their identity in the new blended family. The author uses both established research and experiential narrative as she shares both successes and failures in her effort to help children. She has “Lived the Life” and shares it with her readers in a thought-provoking and entertaining format.

Dr. Donna. Caudell

[Elisabeth Ervin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Growing up in a household where many “other people’s children” were fostered, I recognize all the joys, frustrations and even heartbreaks that Debbie Ausburn discusses in this valuable resource. My parents, as well as my biological siblings and I would have benefited from her experiences and recommendations as our foster siblings arrived and departed. I applaud Debbie’s willingness to provide a stable home with the resources necessary to show her children another option for their lives moving forward. Thank you Debbie for your love, courage and hard work for these children, and in your willing to share all you have learned with us.

[Jennifer Beecroft-Mick · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book validated all of the feelings and experiences that I have been through for the past couple of decades of raising my siblings, my stepson, and others’ children. It was much needed in a moment when I was burned out.

I wish that there was a little more discussed/understood in terms of intersectionality and how that impacts children. I could also hear just a little bit of ethnocentricity in her approach, but I can also understand why she made the parenting choices that she did. I agree with most, and will be thinking on the rest. :)

[James · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book could easily be titled "Raising Children" as the sage advice is spot on for parents. However, Debbie expertly adds the layer of complexity in being a step and foster parent. She shows the grace and care to let children know she cares, but also gives space for them to develop their own identity. This book is 100% practical for anyone looking to create lasting and strong relationships.

[Crissy Schmieder · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was written with such compassion for raising other people’s children. The author writes from the heart with raw authenticity about what can come from raising other people’s children. As a clinical social worker that works closely with foster parents I think this book could be helpful to so many foster parents.
Crissy Schmieder, MSW, LCSW, LCAS

[David Hersh · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an inspiring and insightful book that provides the parent with down-to-earth suggestions for good parenting. This book is ideal for any parent, but particularly for those of us with blended families. I wish I had read this book earlier, as it would have made me a better parent. Highly recommended for parents everywhere!

[Histteach24 · Rating 4 out of 5]

As a foster parent and step mom, I found quiet reminders of purpose and strategies in this book. Recommend to both. It is helpful right now as we go through the adoption process. The obstacles we face are all illustrated in this book. The questions at the end are helpful to read and answer with your partner as well.
It validates your feelings and gives you tips.

[Dianna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whether you are a parent, foster parent, step mother/father and/or someone that works with children on a daily bases, this is a fantastic book. It’s easy to read and keeps you engaged. I will definitely be following this author on her social media pages.

[Cassandra · Rating 5 out of 5]

I received a complimentary copy.

Life comes at you fast and at some point you may have to take care of a child that is not yours. The book helps to come to terms with certain key factors. It is a shorter read but filled with really good information.

[Natalie Ford · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had the privilege of writing the forward for this book. It is so good! I highly recommend it for non-traditional families.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such an inspiring read full of useful information and heart! I love Ausburn's honesty and her practical advice!

[Georgia Renne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok this one was fantastic. It's not often that I write in books, but this one has underlining all over it.

[Joanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read this for foster care training. The author gives great advice and insight on being a foster parent and also a stepparent. This was a very helpful read and I appreciate this lady is practical and down to earth.