Women Who Love Men Who Kill

by Sheila Isenberg

"Author Sheila Isenberg provides a fascinating look at women "compelled to dance with the masters of death"—women so obsessed with convicted murders that they marry them, often giving up everything else in their lives, including their children, to fulfill their deepest fantasies. Isenberg interviewed dozens of these women, some of their men, as well as corrections professionals, psychiatrists, and psychologists. The profile that emerges is of 'little girls lost,' women who were damaged by painful childhoods who are living in a fantasy world, in love not with a real man but with an illusion based on denial. Isenberg's skills in getting those women to reveal themselves, her ability to present them as sympathetic and understandable, and her synthesis of the material they provided make for an engrossing report." From Kirkus Review.

"Shocking...compelling...like the best prison lit!" (The Village Voice Literary Supplement)

Author Bio: Author Sheila Isenberg co-wrote My Life as a Radical Lawyer, the autobiography of the late civil rights attorney, William M. Kunstler. She is currently at work on A Hero of Our Own, about WWII rescuer Varian Fry, the only American honored at Israel's Holocaust Memorial Yad Vashem.

Genres: True Crime, Nonfiction, Crime, Psychology, Sociology, Feminism

240 pages, Hardcover

First published May 1, 1991

Reviews

[Richard · Rating 5 out of 5]

So finally I find a serious book on women who fall in love and marry men already in jail for murder, one that offers some actual investigation into the subject, with interviews with the women themselves and consultations with psychologists and psychiatrists, and I find the Goodreads and Amazon ratings...well, mediocre. So I go online for other reviews beyond such forums and find this book rather well respected, and Isenberg one of the few to seriously investigate this subject, not in a bombastic Geraldo way, or a sloppy money-grab way as with a book I previously reviewed and won't bother to give any nod of actually naming here.

So the basis for these less-than stellar reviews on these ratings from these social media platforms? One, a couple of reviews that clearly are the result of personal attacks, one subject line reading, "Don't stereotype me, Ms. Isenberg." The other category seemed to be those who wanted to judge quickly those they assume are judging quickly.

The dearth of studies about such women is itself disturbing and only helps to confirm the hero worship of serial murderers, who are of course mostly male. The women who love them, however, are mostly the scream-fodder of self-righteous talk show hosts. Isenberg offers a more complex view of the trade off of power and dependency in these relationships and other levels of wish-fulfillment and histories of abuse. Isenberg might be a little acerbic at times, but the overall complexity is impressive.

[Clare · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although I found parts of this book to be repetitive, the author does give a good description of the type of woman who would be attracted to a murderer in prison. It is hard for most of us to understand what would drive a woman to correspond, visit, and sometimes marry a man in prison for life (or on death row) who has killed someone. Are these women delusional or do they like these men precisely because they will probably never get out of jail? Isenberg is a journalist who interviewed women, men, experts, and others in order to understand this growing phenomenon. The answers were not unexpected but it certainly gives new meaning to the concept of women as nurturers.

[Kenneth Laddish · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not enough actual addresses for these women

[Alex Black · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book basically boils down to 'these women are damaged.' Saved you about two hundred pages.

One thing I really struggled with was the fake objectivity. It grinds my nerves whenever journalists take the stance of objectivity in their work when it's (a) clearly not objective and (b) true objectivity isn't possible anyway. I much prefer it when authors actually address their own biases and how that has affected their research and writing. Isenberg spent a lot of time focused on neutrality when describing things that obviously weren't neutral (ex. describing obvious rape and calling it sex) and removing herself from the story to the extent that I couldn't tell if she actually interviewed some of these women.

There were a lot of inserted thoughts from various psychologists who seemed shallow at best, peddling terms like "soul murder" and coming across more focused on selling their books than the psychology itself. They all liked diagnosing the various women in this book, but offered no evidence of actually having met with any of the women. Their thoughts all sounded like they were based off hearsay, which is a super gross vibe. And if they did actually know the women, it's information Isenberg should have included in the book.

She also loved to contradict what the women said. The women would make some statement about believing their husband is innocent and Isenberg would say 'oh but they don't actually believe in their husband's innocence, they actually believe x y z thing.' It was incredibly frustrating to read and very condescending to all the women. She also offered no evidence of that except her own psych theories. So essentially it wound up being a circle of evidence- proving her psychological theory by contradicting the women's statements, which is then proved by her psychological theory.

Mostly it was just really bland and shallow and repetitive. This book offers nothing that you probably don't already assume. I don't even necessarily disagree with much of what she wrote, but it offered basically nothing.

[Jill Sorenson · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is full of good information but it's structured poorly. Each chapter features the story of a woman who has married or fallen in love with a convicted murderer. Instead of sticking to one woman/story/theme per chapter, the author jumps around all over the place. She also uses troubling terminology, like "had sex with" when describing obvious rape. Ugh. I wish there was a more modern resource on this subject.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

as it turns out, these women are troubled.

[Furciferous Quaintrelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not bad, even if I didn't learn anything from it that I didn't already know.

This book probably shouldn't have taken me as long to read as it did, being as it's so short. But it really wasn't holding my attention particularly well and I just found myself dipping in and out of it in short spurts. The topic is something that I've previously found quite fascinating - what it is that makes women fall in love with men in prison for murder, rape and other violent offenders - but being as it was written a few decades ago, this is no longer fresh information or a topic that hasn't already been done to death multiple times since. Maybe that means I'm judging the contents unfairly, but it wasn't just the information or the angle that failed to grip me, it was the way in which the writer seemed to want to inject her own dramatic flair to every case study she covered.

I mean, I get it, this is a pop-psy book and the title itself should be enough to let any potential readers know that we're going to be looking at the topic with a little less formality and more than a hint of sensationalism, but it still felt as though Isenberg was trying to straddle the line between tabloid and legitimate study, by having a handful of accredited scholars and professionals in the spheres of psychology and criminal justice, give their opinions on the subject, which she sprinkled throughout the text to give some kind of legitimacy to her need to having written this book.

We get to "meet" various women who either by being asked by their friend to visit their man's cellmate (quite how THAT conversation comes up naturally, I have no idea) or by answering adverts for a pen-pal, found themselves infatuated with the inmate they began to communicate with. There's a bit of basic psychobabble about the "why" that makes some women fall for an incarcerated murderer, but like I said already, nothing that we would now consider new or ground-breaking.

I guess if this is something you know nothing about, you might learn a thing or two from this book, but if you've even watched a couple of episodes of LockUp or one of the various daytime chat-shows that feature this sort of thing, you've pretty much heard it all already.

[Unitechy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book covers phenomenon of women who form romantic relationships with incarcerated men, particularly those convicted of heinous crimes. The author's exploration centers on the website WriteAPrisoner.com, serving as a focal point for examining this complex issue.

While the premise initially intrigues, the book's repetitive nature somewhat diminishes its impact. The author's investigation reveals something I already imagined could be the problem: vulnerable women, often with histories of low self-esteem or childhood trauma, seeking connections with prisoners. This raises ethical concerns about the exploitation of these women's vulnerabilities.

The book also sheds light on well-intentioned church initiatives that inadvertently facilitate these relationships through prisoner pen pal programs. However, the author fails to adequately address the potential dangers and ethical implications of encouraging such connections.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

Fascinating subject but poorly written book. It was poorly organized and repetitious and it confusing to follow different women and their relationships with convicted killers. However, it does seem clear that there are women who feel good when they are in a relationship with someone they think they can "save," and who are capable of denying many troublesome facts to make the relationship work. It is also important to note that these are relatively "safe" relationships for women who have been abused. One thing is certain--their partners cannot beat them up or kill them since they are behind bars for life.

[Me · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book attempts to explain women that marry serial killers and other "bad" boys. I think there's much truth in this book and explains why someone would marry a convicted killer on death row.

[Naomi's Novels · Rating 3 out of 5]

Reading about these women angered me. From their naiveté to their childhood that caused such poor lack of judgement. The sad thing is (I believe) any one of us could become like these women. Sometimes we feel like the only way to heal ourselves is to fix other people.

Intriguing Quotes

"They speak the universal language of love, or what they think is love."

"No matter whether the man has killed once or ten times he has taken a human life. He has done the unthinkable."

"Men in prison are the best psychologists in the world"

"Nothing can interfere with [their] love. Nothing. Not even children.

"A murderer is often a con-man who wins relationships by manipulation and lying."

[Ashlee Tharman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Society is fascinated with true crime, particularly murderers and what drives them to kill. What might be more fascinating, however, are the women who fall in love with these types men. Pulling from interviews with 35 women who are married or seriously involved with murderers, we are given insight and similarities between these women to learn why women love men who kill.

This book was interesting. As a true crime fan myself, I have never understood the thought process behind falling in love with someone who has taken someone else's life, so I appreciated the insight from women currently living that life. I wasnt a fan of some of the language used in the book (at times it felt borderline sexist and on occasion a bit victim shamey towards these women), but overall an interesting read.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Repeating what others have said, there was some fascinating insight to the psychology of women who fall in love with murders , but it was repetitive. I also was confused between the jumps in informal writing slash editorializing, versus more cut and dry psychological information. It may have been better to focus on one woman's story, and make it more like a novel. Or it could be more like a text book , and go more in depth into the psychology or criminal justice point of view. As it is now, the book is too much of a mishmash of two different writing styles.

[Chris C. · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have listened to most of this book, and have suffered enough. The stories are all virtually the same, with every female non-prisoned partner having immense past trauma and marrying prisoners because they are locked up and unavailable. Maybe part of the difficulty was also the reader - its like an OK podcast that just keeps going for hours. I dont recommend, however if you are looking for a book to go to sleep to, this would be a good option.

[Tara · Rating 3 out of 5]

The case studies were very interesting. While the author literally tells us what could have caused these women to love the murderers in their lives; it’s still almost hard to comprehend.

I wish that this was slightly better written as most substance comes from repetition. Altogether, a fascinating subject and looking for something more modern with updated theories and data.

[NC · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars. This was interesting to listen to. I liked the format and how it was several stories rather than just one. The voice was a good choice.
I’m not surprised by the findings and conclusions.

[Judy Tarver · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had heard good things about this book and read what I thought were similar books but this one wasn’t like I thought it would be. I found it to be boring but there are a few things that are of interest.

[Tracy Hollen · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5
Definitely not the most well-written book I’ve ever read, but compelling nonetheless.
References to these womens’ tv interviews has me itching to check them all out on YouTube 😳

[Yusra · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75 ⭐ rounded.
tends to get a bit repetitive. 
but a thorough, in depth analysis of a rather interesting and concerning phenomenon. 

[Gina]

Audiobook. I don’t like to give Star ratings to non fiction books but I will comment that this book and subject were fascinating.

[Tammie · Rating 3 out of 5]

The facts and stories in the book were interesting, but the style of writing seemed a bit amateur. A lot of stories and facts were repeated in many of the chapters. Interesting none-the-less, but it was kinda hard to finish.

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

A book about why women fall in love with prison inmates and stay in relationships with their incarcerated lovers. Very fascinating dip into the lives of people who on the surface seem just like you and me. Great read.

[Sarah Butcher · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was just ok. Very repetitive.

[Eileen Acosta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting....