Before You Split: Find What You Really Want for the Future of Your Marriage

by Toni Nieuwhof

A former divorce attorney lays out the hidden benefits of staying together, whether you’re frustrated with your marriage, on the brink of giving up completely, or simply want to strengthen your relationship to withstand the inevitable hard times.

“Toni Nieuwhof is the guide you’ve been waiting for. Deeply wise, genuinely empathetic, and uncommonly insightful, Toni is a fresh voice with tried and true experience that offers a proven roadmap.”—Ann Voskamp,  New York Times  bestselling author of  The Broken Way  and  One Thousand Gifts

If you’ve ever wanted to say, “I can’t do this anymore!” out of frustration with your marriage, you’re definitely not alone.

In this practical and insightful guide, former divorce attorney Toni Nieuwhof shows that even if you feel disconnected or stuck in your troubled marriage—and worry about its impact on your kids—there is a way forward.

Before You Split helps you find what you really want from your marriage and how to move forward to a better future
• seeing yourself and your spouse more clearly
• dealing with unrealistic expectations
• empowering you with constructive ways to respond to difficult emotions
• engaging the power of forgiveness
• increasing your peacemaking skills
• advancing your journey of personal growth

Even if it feels like it’s over, it’s not too late. Change takes place one step at a time. Before You Split will help you make choices with your eyes wide open.

Genres: Marriage, Nonfiction, Relationships, Self Help

224 pages, Paperback

Published January 12, 2021

Reviews

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ok, no one freak out that I'm reading this book.

I picked it up after hearing Toni and her husband Carey discuss this book on a few podcasts I listen to. What struck me was how similar their personalities are to my husband and me, and I decided I definitely wanted to read this book about marriage.

What I discovered in the pages is a book I thought we needed as a world a few years ago. The truths between the pages are truths I had been taught, but with Toni's experience in family law, she brings so much stats to back them up. And so much of the marriage advice written here is not intuitive. But it does carry great impact.

Every marriage takes work. This book should be on every couple's bookshelf. It will strengthen you during good times (there are some excellent questions to consider together or alone at the end of every chapter) but I fully believe it will strengthen and equip you if your marriage is getting rocky, regardless of what outcome you are hoping for.

While Toni is a pastor's wife, she does not assume that those reading her book will be people of faith which means this book really will work for a wide range of couples.

[Mary Deckert · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have the privledge of reading this book before it's release date and I've been utterly amazed. I was interested in it because I have a dear friend experiencing marital issues and I was hopeful it would offer some practical advice. I was also looking for ideas about how I could stand with her during these challenges as a friend and confidant. The book does all that and so much more. I'm finding hints for how I can build better relationships and insight into why some have soured in the past. I am humbled and amazed at Toni's vulnerability and her uncanny ability to make sense of it all. I am beyond grateful that she's put her experience and insight in print. This will be my go-to gift for newlyweds, friends in troubled marriages and friends in strong marriages -- everyone can benefit from it. I highly recommend it.

[Kim Valentine · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been reading and following author and podcaster Carey Nieuwhof for a few years now, so when his wife Toni Niewhof wrote her first book I knew I had to check it out. It's a must-read for anyone in a marriage relationship or looking to be in one someday. Such practical advice from someone who is not only an expert in family law but has also walked through a difficult marriage season and came out the other side with a thriving marriage. This book talks a lot about taking time to pause and reflect before making life-altering decisions. Having gone through our own marriage upheaval and reconciliation, this book is a reminder to never take marriage or your partner for granted.

[Michelle Matta · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beyond marriages in peril, this book has some wonderful guidance towards self-improvement, becoming a better friend, and approaching life in a way that helps you reach your full potential and potentially reap a variety of rewards from doing so.

[Courtney Birkbeck · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been married for over 10 years. We have four children and there have been times where struggle has come. Big struggles. Struggles that seemed like we couldn't overcome. But do you throw away a marriage because of struggles? In this day and age, it seems like we live in a world where if it's broken you just throw it away. But why can't we change the narrative and live in a world where, when things break, we fix it? We work on it? We try harder than ever before, and push selfish desires aside and actually give it a fighting chance?

This book covers so much, I would have to write another book just to describe it. But it is definitely a book you should read if your marriage is struggling (or even if it's not) to learn how to try to fix things. Things to think about, to work on and do before you choose to break apart something that could be so beautiful.

It helps teach you to leave the unhappiness, not the marriage. It's just so good.

[Shauna Morrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love how much life experience Toni brings into this book. Toni has worked in family law, her husband runs a ministry (which of course means she plays a large part in it as well), and she has personally experienced or witnessed the stories in this book.

I thought this book had a lot of really insightful questions and ideas. I love the questions at the end of the chapters, they are a great stepping stone to figuring out your part in the problems in your marriage. I loved the 'mud' analogies and thought that was a great way of explaining the hidden damage we all bring to relationships.

If you are at a point in your marriage where you are contemplating splitting or you are just unhappy and you want to improve your relationship, you should give this a read.

For those of you who know me, don't worry my marriage is good but it never hurts to make things better. :)

[Hillary Handy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book to prepare conversation before gifting to a friend. (If any of my friends see this post!). I don't find myself in this place at the moment, but I can see how ANY couple - Christian or otherwise- could find themselves facing thoughts of divorce when things go amuck. But I must say, I learned alot about myself and my husband in terms getting back on track before things get to a place where you're considering "splitting". I could read this with the lens of it being a guide of what to do to avoid finding yourself considering ending a marriage. Great insight, honesty, vulnerability shared here, like you were talking to a true friend. I highly recommend this to any married couple to read independently or as a study, with a faith perspective or not.

[Emily · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before You Split is a great resource for couples who are willing to take a moment to pause and shift their perspectives on what they really want for their marriage. Using personal experience from 30+ years of marriage and a career as a divorce attorney, Toni clearly outlines marriage pain points and how to embark on a process to bring real change to a struggling marriage. I would highly recommend this book to those who are walking through (or know of someone walking through) a tough season in their marriage.

[Sigrid Rother]

Toni shares her experiences as a divorce lawyer as well as from her personal experiences in this powerful book. Even though it is primarily written for couples, it can be applied to many relationships. I was privileged to be part of a group who read and commented on the book before it is available. Great book!! #beforeyousplit

[Cassandra Ecclestone · Rating 4 out of 5]

A great read for anyone in a serious relationship. There’s always ways to be a better, more understanding and communicative partner. I’d highly recommend reading and utilizing the great tips in this book to keep your relationship healthy and thriving and to prevent a potential “split” in the future.

[Amee · Rating 1 out of 5]

I probably set my own self up for failure with this book. I heard the author on the “Typology” podcast and thought the podcast was well spoken and insightful. The book wasn’t my cup of tea. I didn’t make it past the second chapter.

[Lyndsay · Rating 4 out of 5]

I listened to this book after hearing the author on a podcast. It has been a minute since I listened but I think I benefited from listening as several friends I know were going through divorces. Good food for thought.

[Joe Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely stellar advice

[☆ Katie ☆ · Rating 4 out of 5]

Anyone who has been married for a significant amount of time has experienced struggles, frustrations, and probably pondered the idea of divorce. Society, the media, and popular culture often do NOT prepare us adequately for entering into a lifelong partnership with another flawed human being. Misplaced expectations, lack of communication, and building resentment can cause a marriage to slowly disintegrate over time.

This is a great book for anyone who is considering ending their marriage, struggling with maintaining a happy marriage, or just striving to improve the quality of their marriage. The author makes points that are coherent and practical, and she provides personal anecdotes to illustrate her points.

The author and her husband are heavily involved in the church, and she brings up the role faith plays in her relationship intermittently, but it is not heavy-handed or preachy.

Thanks to NetGalley and Waterbrook Press for my ARC.

[Chelsea Merrill · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wouldn’t say it saved my marriage, but it absolutely pushed my husband and I into the right direction. I would recommend this to anyone who has had the thought of divorce cross their mind because it is a very eye opening book. My husband and I read the book together and used it’s “workbook” like qualities to communicate better. I love the authors personal story because it is very to similar to mine which made the text extremely relatable.

[Laura Melchor · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you are unhappy in your marriage, do yourself a favor and listen to yourself. Not this book. Not anyone else. Reach deep down into your own intuition and ask yourself what's best for you. Because in this life, you are the only one who truly has your best interest at heart. And you only have one life. Live it in a way that brings you peace, joy, and fulfillment, whether that is, indeed, fighting for your marriage or whether that is leaving it. Both can be viable options.