GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK: A Memoir of Self-Acceptance

by Dorothy Rice

The wry and relatable narrator of GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK--a memoir of ageism, sexism and self-acceptance--came of age in the psychedelic sixties. Now in her sixties, it's time to take stock. After decades struggling to be thin enough, pretty, sexy and successful enough to deserve love and happiness, she devotes a year to cracking the code, a journey that forces her to confront the gnarled roots of female shame. If you have a complicated relationship with your mother, food, your hair, your body, the past, or your partner, you will likely find GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK a page-turning, resonant, and engaging read.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Biography Memoir

312 pages, Kindle Edition

First published June 1, 2019

About the author

Dorothy Rice is the author of two memoirs, Gray Is The New Black (Otis Books, 2019) and The Reluctant Artist (Shanti Arts, 2015). At 60, following a career in environmental protection and raising five children Dorothy Rice earned an MFA in Creative Writing from the University of California Riverside (Palm Desert campus). Her fiction and nonfiction have appeared in Brain, Child Magazine, The Rumpus, Saturday Evening Post online, Hobart, The Louisville Review and a few others. You can see more of her work at www.dorothyriceauthor.com

​In a recent TV interview author Dorothy Rice talks about GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK on Good Morning Washington @ABC7GMW.https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=216...

Reviews

[c2 cole · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly enjoyable memoir from a middle boomer that is by turns funny, sad, hopeful and in the end more or less accepting of how life is. Many questions raised about relationships, beauty, purpose, the difficulty of making changes. At its core is a traumatic adolescence which resonates for years to come.

The author comes to terms with her current marriage to a retired engineer with some of the pitfalls engineers and probably many other men provide. At times I did want to nudge her into trying to work through what she perceived as roadblocks and what looked to me like passive acceptance. Although maybe not of the exact same ilk, it is likely most people in a longterm relationship will be able to relate to some aspect of the author's disenchantment. She also wrestles with her desire to write and brings a number of writing workshops into the mix as she attempts to write a book in a year. Since the book she was working on is the one that I was reading, I knew she was ultimately successful on the account.

This would make a great book for a book club or just a group of friends to use as a map to discuss their own experiences, how they are similar and differ from the authors.

I am not the effusive type, but if Goodreads allowed, I'd give this a 4.5 for an enjoyable read with much to ponder.

[S. Bavey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Gray is the New Black is a book about reaching a certain age and realizing you don’t feel comfortable in your skin with its age related flaws, added weight, lack of fitness, inability to lose weight as quickly, grey hair, wrinkles and the lack of self-confidence that go hand in hand with all of the above. Add into the mix the author’s predilection for binge-eating sugary sweets and a related tendency for migraine and you have to feel sorry for her while also rooting for her to value what she has and stop comparing herself to others. The author explains the way she feels in an entertaining and engaging manner, she certainly didn’t lose her sense of humour when she entered her sixties.
Dorothy survived some awful events in her young life that many would never bounce back from, which make for difficult reading at times. She is brave and (judging from her profile picture), beautiful.
Dorothy’s writing is also beautiful, the prose flows smoothly and her raw emotion and honesty is endearing.
A relationship with her sisters which appears loving and yet harbours jealousy of their trimmer physiques, added to a relationship with her husband which leaves her feeling dissatisfied and unappreciated makes for a dose of very low self esteem.
Dorothy decides to take action and embrace her talent for writing while following a stricter diet and she gives herself a year to finish a book and see some improvements in her weight/health. Her impetus is that she wants to be able to enjoy her grandchildren more fully and I have to applaud her for it. She seems to have found a more positive attitude through these goals:

“Whether I have one year left or twenty-one, or even if I live past 100 as my mother seems likely to do, I hope to keep growing and learning. I want peace, happiness, love. I want to feel alive.”

But can she stick to such a regime when the events from her past have created a deep-seated lack of self-esteem and reliance on binge-eating as an emotional crutch.

Gray is the new black is an emotional journey - it made me consider the way I view my own age-related flaws and fitness. It also made me want to give Dorothy a big hug and slap Bob for not appreciating her more! There are times while reading, when you feel compelled to rescue her and I can only hope that writing it all down has proved to be cathartic.

“I will write my way back into my life, one word, one page, one memory at a time.”

As Oprah would say: “You go girl!!”

[Story Circle Book Reviews · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sixty-three-year-old Dorothy Rice is feeling fat, old, and unloved. Her youngest daughter has left for college and she’s convinced her husband is only staying in the marriage out of habit. She frequently binge-eats in secret, often to the point that she literally makes herself sick. And she’s spent far more time helping others work on their writing than she’s spent working on her own.

Inspired by her sister’s suggestion that they embrace their advanced age and rock their naturally gray hair, and fed up with feeling lonely, unattractive, and unhappy, Dorothy decides to spend the next year becoming a healthier, happier, more successful version of herself. Specifically, she vows to finally finish writing her own book, losing weight gradually and in a healthy way, and working on her closest relationships.

During her year of transformation, Dorothy reflects on female shame, disappointing relationships, unrealistic expectations, sexual assault, the desire for fame, true love, hot sex, and what she can do to live a happier life. She gives real consideration to the fact that her mother always told her Dorothy went with the low-hanging romantic fruit, the safe bets when it came to boyfriends and eventually husbands. She reflects upon her decision as a young teen to repeatedly hook up with her sexual assailant, knowing full well that he was using her and likely hooking up with others. And she recognizes that she usually fails in her dieting because she tends to binge whenever something disappointing or hurtful happens in her personal life.

I truly appreciate the fact that Rice’s memoir doesn’t neatly wrap up at the end of the book. Without a doubt, she made great strides in her emotional development and introspection in a year’s time, but she makes no claim of a storybook ending. Throughout the year, her weight continues to yo-yo and her marriage and personal relationships are far from perfect. But her story is inspiring nonetheless.

Rice proves to us that it’s never too late to work on yourself and your goals—that you can and will continue to stumble in life, but you should never give up on what you want. And that to truly love and accept yourself as you are, you’ll often need to revisit some painful, shameful life experiences and consider how those moments shaped who you are today.

I really enjoyed Rice’s book and could relate to her story in a number of ways. In fact, her raw honesty, vulnerability, and self-examination made me feel as if she was documenting many of my own thoughts. And if you’ve ever felt lonely in a relationship, unhappy with your physical appearance, frustrated with a friendship, your relationship with a parent, or your relationship with food, you’ll undoubtedly relate to it as well.

Story Circle Book Reviews thanks Katherine Itacy for this review.

[Marilyn Guggenheim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I plowed through this memoir for its hard-earned wisdom so critical for modern Americans, such as: “I’ve spent a lifetime lamenting what isn’t... Does my piano have more than one insistent sour note to plink?...Have I changed at all, made any progress at all? I believe I have, though not in the clear, straightforward ways I’d hoped for.”
I point to American readers because our consumerism takes different shapes in other wealthy countries, but here the dream of unlimited freedom to define ourselves keeps us running in circles. Dorothy Rice grew up middle-class and educated, and in her sixties, she still thrives with a comfortable marriage, successful career, and healthy children and grandchildren, but her memoir shows how American notions of romance and female attractiveness (thin body, long mane of dyed hair, deference to masculine appetites) can still make us feel like failures. Rice’s fight for self-awareness captivated me with episodes from her inner life, from a teenager exploited by her confusion about sex and love to her lifelong struggle with body image. With humor and honesty, she frames the memoir in a year-long pursuit to lose weight and write what she learns about herself, and the rewards for this reader went beyond satisfying, such as gems like this:

“I am getting there, by degrees. What’s shifting most, perhaps, is where "there" is. I ask more questions. I don’t let myself off so easily. I remind myself that eating won’t help. I say it out loud. I write the words down. Sometimes it even works. I ask myself what will help. Like going for a walk or doing something for someone else.”

These are ordinary, small steps I keep reminding myself to take. No Hollywood endings or magic formula, just moments of true effort, sometimes hard, hard work. She speaks my mind when she says “writing is therapeutic but not therapy,” and shows us what vulnerability looks like, even in that particularly scary place, the workshop listening to fellow writers’ criticism. This book is for anyone who wants to listen to themselves more and keep taking those small steps, sometimes stumbling, but always moving forward.

[Ronald Mackay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dorothy Rice offers a candid, unashamed view of her personal history in a determined effort to come to terms with everything and everyone – including herself -- who has contributed to her turning into a middle-aged woman with issues. Some of her issues are deeply buried; some all too apparent to her and to anybody who looks at her. In easy flowing conversational language, the author grapples openly and honestly with each and every one of them in her happily successful attempt to find solace, relief and self-acceptance.

Readers seeking inspiration and courage will find wisdom in this book. For those among us who are fortunate enough not to struggle with Herculean challenges, Gray is the New Black will serve as gentle encouragement to show forbearance and kindness to those who do.

[Mama K · Rating 2 out of 5]

I had high hopes for this book when I saw it compared to Nora Ephron. But, alas, I found it depressing rather than humorous and self deprecating.
I do admire Rice's honesty and grit, but i wanted to be uplifted not downtrodden.
I received an ARC from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Patrick Burns · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this honest, brave memoir. The author takes us on the ups and downs of a year in which she aims to "get her shit together" by examining her current behavior and her past. There are heavy moments and epiphanies but also lots of laughs and delicious writing. Highly recommend!

[Billy Buttons · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was entered in The Wishing Shelf Book Awards. This is what our readers thought:
Title: GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK
Author: Dorothy Rice

Star Rating: 5 Stars
Number of Readers: 17
Stats
Editing: 9/10
Writing Style: 9/10
Content: 10/10
Cover: 8/10
Of the 17 readers:
15 would read another book by this author.
14 thought the cover was good or excellent.
17 felt it was easy to follow.
16 would recommend this book to another reader to try.
Of all the readers, 5 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘subject knowledge’.
Of all the readers, 7 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘writing style’.
Of all the readers, 5 felt the author’s strongest skill was ‘clarity of message’.
16 felt the pacing was good or excellent.
16 thought the author understood the readership and what they wanted.

Readers’ Comments
“I loved this book. The author is not only insightful on so many topics (particularly relating to women) but she’s also funny too.” Female reader, aged 43
“This memoir is written by the sort of person I’d love to be sat next to at a boring dinner party. She’d keep me entertained. Very enjoyable.” Female reader, aged 51
“Being 60 myself (and going rather gray), I understood and related to many parts of this author’s story. Written with honesty, a little shocking in parts, often funny, I thought the writing style was accessible and the pacing was excellent. Lots of highs, lot of lows and always gripping.” Female reader, aged 60
“This is very much the story of a woman trying to find herself. I found myself lost in her story and, although she suffers in many ways, it was a compelling read and easy to relate to.” Female reader, aged 69

To Sum It Up:
‘A superbly entertaining memoir written with great honesty. A FINALIST and highly recommended!’ The Wishing Shelf Book Awards

[Polly Hansen · Rating 4 out of 5]

Here is a heartbreakingly and boldly honest memoir about dealing with the consequences of unresolved trauma from youth. I felt like I was reading about a twin sister, which made me think how many hundreds and thousands of women in their 60s, or all ages, really, that have similar stories to tell. This is a #MeToo story told with unflinching honesty, the gaze directed inward at the author's faults that perpetuated the harm she experienced, but squarely blaming the perpetrator as well.

Rice and I are the same age, so I clearly pictured the hippie era and was even familiar with the California area where she grew up. We might have passed within feet of each other in the same neighborhood both looking for approval and acceptance and believing sex was the way to get it.

Rice struggles with food addiction in her adult years and gives us a painful account of the illness a la the types of stories found in the Alcoholics Anonymous so-called Big Book, only sugar is the drug of choice here, and just as lethal.

I found myself gripped by Rice's story and rooting for her to win her own approval, finally, instead of seeking it from food and those around her-- her husband, her children, her grandchildren, her colleagues. By the end of the book, I had hope that this was within her grasp. At least, Rice is fully aware of her character defects as well as assets, which she joyfully celebrates, and for that I was glad. A beautifully written memoir that touched my heart.

[Elizabeth Rynecki · Rating 5 out of 5]

I met author Dorothy Rice at a book event we did together a few years ago. When I learned of her latest book (a personal memoir), I knew I wanted to read it. Dorothy's writing is searingly honest and beautiful. In Gray is the New Black she reveals her life story - the natural ups and downs of life as well as the humiliating and embarrassing low-points, all in a set of essays that use a one year writing workshop as an opportunity to reflect on the twists and turns of her life. The writing is always mellifluous, and the book is definitely a page turner, but at times it is also achingly difficult to read because you want to reach back in time and help the author make different decisions and to rescue her from emotional and physical abuse. Rice never asks us to feel bad for her, or for us to direct our anger towards others. What she does ask is for us to listen, to journey with her as she struggles to work through her relationship issues, her struggle with weight gain and loss [and gain again], and the self-esteem issues that just won't leave her alone. Rice's decision to tell all makes her vulnerable to our gaze and reminds us that we must all eventually face our own ghosts, battle our inner voices, navigate relationships with those we love (and sometimes don't), and overcome a lifetime of trials and tribulations to arrive at a place of self acceptance.

[Sue · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is the memoir of the author’s attempt to remake her body and her life in a year. Spoiler: she did not succeed. At the beginning when it appeared it was all going to be about letting her hair grow out gray, I wasn’t sure I wanted to finish this book. Then she segued into her compulsive overeating, the story of being raped as a teenager, and her problems in her third marriage. I kept reading. Throughout the year, she tried and failed and tried again. She went to fat camps and writers’ camps, lost weight, binged, and gained it all back. She kept pestering her husband for affirmations that she was beautiful and that he really loved her, and he didn’t seem to understand what she was looking for. Meanwhile, she’s writing a book about all this and taking us through the writing process, which I honestly didn’t want to know about. In the end, she is happy with her gray hair and knowing more about herself than she did when she began. Except for some annoying grammar goofs, the writing is good. Her hair looks great.

[Carole Duff · Rating 4 out of 5]

When the author decides to let her glorious, long black hair go grey, going “natural” becomes part of a one-year project to examine her real self now that her last child has left for college. Why not improve her marriage, lose weight, and write a memoir, too? She writes about her abusive past, her unsatisfying relationship with her husband, her addiction to sugar and obsession with body image. A great deal of the book’s real estate is taken up by the author’s self-loathing. She’s not convinced that anyone could accept her the way she is. She sets weight-loss goals and, after dramatic losses and gains, ends where she started. As a reader, I became discouraged and almost gave up on the book, which is rare for me because I like to finish what I start. What was lacking for me was hope—and transformation. Nothing changes except the author’s hair color. In the end, she learns what she already knows: she is loved, and she’s relentlessly herself.

[Susanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Otis Books and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Not so much a memoir as a stream of consciousness that meanders through the period of a year, during which the author makes an effort to come to grips with her past and look to her future. Some of this is successful, e.g. unpacking past events and thought patterns that led to extreme self-doubt and shame, and some is less successful, e.g. her unhappiness with her weight. Certainly the latter is greatly influenced by the former, but I did find myself wanting to shake her violently at times, when she persisted in gorging herself and then bemoaning the consequences.

Overall though, I did enjoy reading and seeing her develop as a person over the course of the year/book, particularly because she is almost brutally honest. The editing - and spelling - could have used some help though.

[Heather Scott Partington · Rating 5 out of 5]

Full disclosure: Dorothy Rice is a good friend.

Dorothy Rice's memoir, Gray is the New Black, is a quiet memoir. The author described it to me as such, and that is incredibly apt. But this book is no whisper. This is a poignant and wry look at the author's life, the kind of memoir that reminds us of how the genre can celebrate the uniqueness of an individual life. GITNB chronicles Rice's year of self-acceptance: she lets her hair grow gray and vows to come to terms with both her weight and some difficult memories. Rice, who came of age in the Bay Area during the '60s, is now a Sacramento wife, mother, and grandmother in her 60s. She struggles to redefine her relationship with her husband as the two become empty nesters. Chapters alternate between her modern-day self-reckoning, and stories about bad men and bad decisions in her past. I laughed out loud at some scenes, and I was heartbroken by others. GITNB deals with what would typically be labeled women's issues: weight, sex, body issues, relationships between sisters, and sexism. But Rice writes beautiful vignettes with a deft hand. This is a memoir for everyone.

[Brooklyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book as an Advance Copy from NetGalley.com. Surprisingly- as I am not the target audience for this memoir- I really enjoyed it. Dorothy Rice is in her early 60s - has earned an MFA after a corporate career and is at a crossroads. She has decided to spend a year to write a book with a writing group. This memoir is her story - perhaps the product of her year. She reflects on her life - her husband - her eating and sugar addiction issues - her relationship with her husband- her family - and a past abusive sexual relationship. She talks about being a woman and dealing with all these issues. She writes very well and her story is engaging. Nothing is black and white and I found myself identifying with her vulnerability and humanity warts and all. Nothing is resolved in the end - but much is learned. A true vivid memoir that will touch your humanity.

[Christy Stillwell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Gray is the New Black is a memoir structured within one year, from January to January, in which the author attempts to accept herself as she is, letting go of past hurt and shame in order to pursue writing seriously, take stock of her marriage and find a way forward out of her empty nest. I am not generally a fan of memoir but the honesty of the language and the author's willingness to examine bad decisions made this book a page turner for me. Rice examines the men of her past, takes an honest look at why she was with them and what those bad relationships confirmed or denied for her. More importantly, she learns to stop looking outside herself for the love and acceptance she's been seeking her whole life. The book was a Come-to-Jesus moment for this reader, a real lesson in learning to listen to the wisdom inside. I read it in two days, and I'm still unraveling the good stuff inside.

[Ruth Dresher-Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wow, I was hooked immediately as I’m from Sacramento where Dorothy’s adult life was lived. I loved the local references.
Past that, I related heavily with her state of mind and being from the 1st chapter to the closing page. I projected a path as I began, it didn’t flow that way. Addictions never do. Claiming that out loud never deterred the hold the substance of choice held on her actions. Coming to know her family dynamics and the age old fairytales clinging to her mind as she ages, what she survived, one can see the intent desire to own and tame the monster, moving to a place of acceptance and a more full knowledge of how to do better when able. Ah, the pile of jeans in all the sizes. I’m sure I’m not the only reader that owns that pile. The diets of all sizes and shapes, knowing deep inside it’s eating less, being more active and not succumbing to desires; sounds lovely.
She did complete the book, she was a productive writer and mentor along with learning to love herself and believe she is truly lovable. Hard won prize.

[Julie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read Gray is the New Black in about a day; I was riveted by Dorothy Rice's ability to "put herself out there" no matter the subject material, sharing with us the high points and low points of her life and in particular the year in which she swore to heal herself. With unfailing honesty, humor and empathy for some of life's most difficult and intimate issues - the difficult work that goes into making a marriage, coming to terms with current and past shames, striving to find inner peace and contentment, aging and parenthood - Rice's prose and questions made this reader feel like she was along for the ride. I felt anguish for her pain and optimism and hope when she succeeds. Dorothy Rice is my new hero for the memoir genre, and I look forward to reading more from her.

[Shelley Blanton-Stroud · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this memoir, Rice is so honest, so willing to say exactly the truth that reveals her life, the many stages of it. We enter the book during one particular year, as she tries to write her way into the reasons for her self doubts. She explores her memory and feelings about her adolescence in the sixties, about the abuse she experienced, the way she blamed herself, as so many women do. She explores the way that has influenced her present life, her marriage, her feelings about her writing and about her body. About herself. It shouldn't surprise that this is smart and reflective. You may be surprised by its humor. I highly recommend this gem.

[Catherine Marshall-smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

In her memoir, GRAY IS THE NEW BLACK, Dorothy Rice faces it all, sexual assault, ageism, eating disorders and the marital discord that accompany coming of age in the patriarchal culture of the 60's and 70's in northern California. Her story, which reads like a novel, so resonated with me, I blushed while reading. It is riveting because of Rice's willingness not to look away from her own emotional warts. I prefer the truth to a tidy ending always. I respect the strength she showed in writing it. Her insights are clear and focused and the reader benefits from them. Read it to understand yourself and the women in your life and finish it because it's a damn good read.

[Annarella · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's an entertaining and interesting book, the kind of book that makes you smile and give food for thought as you think that some situations are similar to yours.
A good read especially if you're over 40.
Recommended!
Many thanks to the publisher and Netgalley for this ARC, all opinions are mine.

[Cheryl Fish · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dorothy Rice takes us into her world of binge eating, self-sabotage, romance, sexual assault, marriage, and struggles with body acceptance, with unflinching honesty and generousity. You will most likely find some aspect of yourself in this well-written memoir about a year of setbacks and transformation.

[Ellen Pichey · Rating 5 out of 5]

A well written book, it is both humorous and painful at times as it touches on the author’s struggle to come to peace with herself. Many readers (if honest with themselves) will find familiar themes that echo after the reading.

[Emily Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book had me very back and forth. On one end I was moved by the way as one of her characters described it “female shame” but on another I just couldn’t relate. A cool pov on self love and care though

[Diane · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dorothy digs deep! I was riveted.

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

Introspective. Honest. Vulnerable. Powerful. Brave. Beautiful.

[Rachael · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed this raw, unflinching look at what it means to be a "mature" woman. Dorothy Rice has struggled with weight issues and feelings of shame and being "less than," surrounded by two sisters--one of whom is tiny and beautiful, and the other dazzlingly funny. Rice recounts her journey over the course of one year. We see her successes as well as her lows. She takes us into the past by writing the story of her sexual assault. She ponders what it means to have a successful relationship -- what does that look like? What happens when the two people in the relationship communicate in different ways?

We need more books like this. Stories that don't have neat or happy endings, stories that tell us what it's like to be an aging woman.