“Last night Bianca shook me awake and told me to stop grinding my teeth. Nothing gives her more satisfaction than to humiliate me. So one year ends, another begins.”
—
“Excite myself too much. I’ve got to learn to accept things as they are. Nobody has everything he’d like to have. Oh yes, be pious – shit! I’m dying, I’m dying in this place. I’m not alive. One day like another.”
—
“They act so innocent but then something turns up in the papers like last week when one of these innocents was ‘taken into police custody’ because police discovered she was earning about a thousand dollars a week between the time she got out of school and the time she came home for supper. […] The little pig was rolling on her back squealing with pleasure every afternoon in somebody’s apartment or hotel room, earning more in five minutes than I make by working all day.”
—
“Bianca’s the only woman I ever had. She used me. Got what she wanted. I hardly enjoyed it even at first. Didn’t much enjoy kissing her – lips too thin. Remember the first time I kissed her being surprised by the hard, closed teeth. I guess I’ve never impressed her much. If I was important she might be different. Too late now. Caught in this uninteresting life. Caught.”
—
“Neighbors reported lights, noises, police discovered most of the furniture broken – saw to pieces, hacked, mattresses ripped apart, mirrors shattered, paint poured into the washing machine, dishes thrown against walls, lighting fixtured pilled out, carpet burned & cut, shoes & garments stuffed into the toilet, bathtub filled and overflowing”
—
“We set the past on fire. Quiet a performance all right. I more or less remember it. Ashes everywhere, still sifting down. Ideals smirched, avarice, self-righteousness – the Holy Sepulcher just one more milestone on the road to some cloudy Fulfillment. Fulfillment of what! Cheating, lying, riots, war, wax, oil, iron, sulfur, wine, papyrus & eternal slavery. Jesus Christ in Heaven.”
—
“Divine Punishment? Who can be sure? Isaiah speaks of the man especially singled out by God but whom God keeps in obscurity like an arrow in the quiver. Certain times I’d like to be the appointed one, yes – controlling others, orders unquestioned, yes.”
—
“Sometimes it seems that we’re merely Constructions made out of yarn, paper & wood with threads rising from our toes and fingertips. We pretend to talk and act as though we were alive when actually we don’t have any choice in the matter. Some secret power directs us.”
—
“They never experience the world as it truly IS – always living within themselves brooding & calculating. What do they know about the human Spirit? The universe bores them. Their only urge is toward personal satisfaction, weaking a man & sucking away the power. Jellies, mold that grows on bread, rind of rotting fruit, infection, suppuration, evil odors that drift around during the night, colorless poisons, caverns full of dead little bodies. Unclean alchemies.”
—
“She belched and I had the impression she was a man. I must have been very nearly asleep. I thought that I was a woman. I thought that I was the wife & this was comforting. He’d be making the decisions, all the responsibility was his.”
—
“Seems as though I’ve always always always been supervised by women. There’s been some woman watching me since the day I was born. I don’t think I’ll ever get their talcum powders out of my nose, at times it feels like the inside of my skull is white or pink with talcum. How did they get so much authority?”
—
“What’s become of female pride and decency? – that’s what I’d like to know. Right at this moment in this apartment house and in the next one and the next and every building or house in the city you could find them hunching and contracting like eels. Dirtying the earth. Grease & rubber. Eggs, blood.”
—
“Pleasure from a rag – no sense denying it, am just trying to be honest with myself. Promise of a dream. Reality itself not half so real. Everything we see or smell or touch – last week seeing that peach sliced open in the kitchen and immediately thought about their Parts. How unexpected. Suppose only God know what boils up from hidden depths. Same as it was tonight.”
—
“White roots grow deep. The blossom is dark, the odor foul.”
—
“Saturday. Again today and again tonight. Angered by the way I indulge myself.”
—
“No reason I can’t visit her again. Why not? I’m free to do as I please, nobody on earth can prevent me. For the first time I know what Freedom is. Freedom that’s absolute.”
—
“I wasn’t in a hurry to open it because as soon as it was opened I wouldn’t be able to think about what might be inside, so held it in my hands a long time. Mmm – don’t believe I opened it until Aunt Ollie called that we were leaving, then put my thumbs side by side and pulled them apart & the box jumped open – remember now the way it jumped. Inside weren’t any jewels, just a dark velvet mound with a groove running through it. Tried to put my face into the box, remember running my nose against the velvet.”
—
“Noting matters now, remembering his pleasure. Weeks, months, years & years in prison – he’d enjoy that but looks forward even more to a few instants of excitement in the painted steel chamber. Uniformed guards, signals, mysterious rituals. Blessing of the priest as Christ and the Devil join. Powerful sodomy.”
—
“Hours later the corpse was discovered in a Negro Baptist church. She’d been strangled with a length of electric cord. Hands tied by her own black silk stockings. Naked, slashed from breast to belly, her blood had formed a pool in the aisle and she was dangling above it, suspended from the balcony. She’d been elevated because we must elevate what we worship.”
—
“Being latest in the sequence of evolution it follows that Man must be the least perfect form of life.”
—
“Counter the evil tendencies of Man just as sailors counter currents driving them toward the Reef, thus the expression of attitudes impossible to those of lower sensibility. Object to object. Tincture of earthworm, poultice of adder’s flesh.”
—
“Holiday for Dead Soldiers. Now maybe I should have gone into military service. Certain I’d get along. Captain Summerfield. Major Summerfield. Kill. Missile. Gas Attack. Destroy. Cleanse Evil.”
—
“I hear singing – a sound like the rush of water over stones. Accepted by the predatory cats – how often I can see them sitting quietly in the dark. Yes, cats & the rustle of water. Birds motionless on the writhing limbs of trees. One forgets the purpose of fear. History loses meaning. Sooner or later I suppose all of us relive the lives of predecessors.”
—
“Why is it, I wonder, that we’re able to let go of all things and desire only one woman so that we follow and stare at her and reach for her in our sleep. Why is she worth so much? Judith the daughter of Merari made Holofernes faint with the beauty of her face. She put on a linen dress to deceive him, arrange her hair and spread ointment on her eyes & showed him her sandals, and then she passed the scimitar through his neck as though he was an ox to be sacrificed. This is what I wonder, and all I know is that together we form a pattern of marvelous subtility.”