Fragile Bully: Understanding Our Destructive Affair With Narcissism in the Age of Trump

by Laurie A. Helgoe, Paul L. Wachtel (Foreword)

Obsessive self-promotion, an aggressive triggering response, and retaliatory rants. “Both sensitive and incisive, beautifully capturing the paradoxical dynamic of narcissism—that the grandiosity and surrounding bravado belies an underlying fragility and brittleness.” —Kenneth N. Levy, PhD, Associate Professor, Penn State University; Senior Fellow, Personality Disorders Institute, Cornell University Even before Donald Trump entered America’s highest office, an international survey revealed that narcissism is part of the assumed “national character” of Americans. While only a small number actually meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder, those exploitive few have a way of gaining center stage in our culture. Fragile Understanding Our Destructive Affair With Narcissism in the Age of Trump looks beyond the sound bites of self-aggrandizing celebrities and selfish tweets to the real problem of narcissism. We see past the solo act to the vicious circles that arise in relationships with a fragile bully, and how patterns like this generate both power and self-destruction. We also look at the problem of Echo, how so many of us get hooked by the narcissist, and how variations on the destructive affair leave both partners dehumanized and diminished. Once we recognize the steps in each dance, we can break the cycle and allow and the possibility of true engagement.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology

Audio CD

First published March 12, 2019

About the author

Laurie Anne Helgoe is an American psychologist and author specializing in personality development and the psychology of desire. Helgoe has a private practice in clinical psychology and serves as an assistant clinical professor at the West Virginia University School of Medicine, Charleston Division, supervising and lecturing psychiatric residents.

Raised as the ninth of ten children, she was surrounded by gregarious siblings and sought out solitude, reflection and writing to replenish her energy. This early discovery of the power of solitude had a profound influence on her later work.

In 2008, her writing revealed that scholarly and popular accounts regarding humans who display the personality traits of introversion and extroversion were flawed, and that, instead of representing a 25-30% of the population, introverts make up 57% of the population. The identified flaw was a dated reliance on the early work of Isabel Briggs Myers, and the failure to note the latest comprehensive results of the Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), a questionnaire used by psychologists to classify human personality traits.

Reviews

[Jamie Moesser · Rating 3 out of 5]

Why does one read a book about narcissists? I think most of us can generally spot narcissists when we see them, but don't know what to do beyond that. We might recognize the need to give them a wide berth so as not to get sucked into their passive-aggressive neediness, or we might not. We might wonder if we have our own narcissistic tendencies. But naming the problem and handling it effectively are two very different things, as this book points out. And "handling it" is, at best, messy.

It's a grim but realistic prognosis, says author Dr. Helgoe. While she provides some advice for working with the narcissists in your life, that is not the focus of Fragile Bully. The focus is defining what makes a narcissist - a surprisingly in-depth "recipe"- and how the actions and reactions of people around them are surprisingly integral to the creation and maintenance of the narcissistic ego. In that respect, just understanding what makes a narcissist is self-help, in a way. If you're looking for a quick-and-dirty list of things to do to get rid of the narcissists in your life, you won't find it in this book, but that may not be what you need.

That being said, that "recipe" was a bit exhaustive, at least for me. Dr. Helgoe's definition is thorough and actually quite academic and broad. Examples provided from her life and research stretch from political--the current American president--to personal--her own father.

It is, in fact, that breadth that might be this book's weakness, if it has one. How one looks for and handles political narcissists, to the extent that that can be done, is quite different than how one handles a narcissistic family member.

The true genius of this book might therefore be gleaned from focusing on specific passages or sections. "If we agree that our society accepts and rewards problematic narcissism, and we know that we cannot diagnose a narcissistic disorder unless an individual noticeably deviates from what society expects, we have to conclude that pathological narcissism is underdiagnosed in our culture." In that context, we, as members of society, could have a role in the development of narcissism in those already so inclined. That thought alone is huge.

Another passage reads "When I talk to clients, friends, and family members who are trying to exit a destructive dance [around a narcissist], two consistent themes emerge: feelings of failure for being unable to fix the fragile bully, and feelings of shame for staying in the dance." Helgoe advises "naming the dance" for what it is as the most important step in exiting it.

So read this book if you're looking for a strong way to name the narcissist and/or the "dance" you're in with them. But also understand that getting out of it might not be as cut-and-dried as you'd hoped. I would guess, though, that you already know that.

[Nancy Luckhurst · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent!

[Morgan Schulman · Rating 3 out of 5]

I received an advanced reader’s copy in exchange for an honest review

An interesting collection of facts in need of an editor. Doesn’t flow as a book but you pick up some interesting things here and there.

[Beth Wheatley · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a timely and beautifully written book. Fragile Bully is a thought-provoking and, at times, deeply personal exploration of narcissism. It helped me to better understand the complexity of individual and collective narcissism, and how narcissism plays out in our relationships and in our culture in ways that leave us feeling diminished. And the author, Dr. Laurie Helgoe, lights a path to healing the narcissistic divide – within ourselves, in relationship with others, and in our country. I highly recommend reading this book.