Some of My Friends Are.: The Daunting Challenges and Untapped Benefits of Cross-Racial Friendships

by Deborah L. Plummer

An insightful look at how cross-racial friendships work and fail within American society.

In a U.S. national survey conducted for this book, 70% of respondents strongly agreed that friendships across racial lines are essential to making progress toward improving race relations. However, further polling found that most Americans tend to gravitate towards friendships within their own racial category.

Psychologist, Deborah L. Plummer tells us why that is so. She examines how factors such as leisure, politics, humor, faith, social media, and education influence the nature and intensity of cross-racial friendships. With engaging stories and inspiring anecdotes drawn from national focus groups, interviews, and analyses of survey results of contemporary patterns of adult friendships, she provides insights into the fears and discomforts associated with cross-racial friendships. Through these narratives and social analyses of friendship patterns, Plummer explores how we make connections to form solid bonds, and why it is so challenging to do so across a racial divide. She discusses how we cross that divide and get beyond the prickly uncomfortable moments and have meaningful, enlightening, empathetic conversations about race. With the inclusion of personal stories, this book stirs up authentic racial discourse, prompts readers to examine their own friendship patterns, and encourages us all to create a better path toward a more enlightened future by crossing racial lines in friendship and deepening the strength of current cross-racial friends.

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Race, Anti Racist, Relationships, Social Science

240 pages, Paperback

Published January 21, 2020

About the author

Also publishes under Deborah Plummer Bussey.

Reviews

[Jane Night · Rating 4 out of 5]

Synopsis: This is a non-fiction book that talks about cross-racial friendships. Author Deborah Plummer discusses why they are important as well as some of the pitfalls that can occur.

My rating: 4/5

I received this book in a Library Things Giveaway however this review is honest and voluntary.

I found this book interesting and enlightening. The topics discussed were important and things that I'd never really considered before. One of my favorite stories in the book was when Plummer spoke of her time as a nun. She was the only white nun which she hadn't expected to be an issue because she expected her identity as a nun to be more important in that situation than her racial identity. Unfortunately, what she found was that the foods served and other elements of life as a nun were culturally white. This created a sort of low key institutional racism that I had never before considered. I had assumed that as long as organizations were welcoming of everyone that was enough but it is different to be non-discriminatory and integrating.

Plummer did an excellent job of bringing her points to life through examples of situations she and her friends had personally experienced. It helped me have a deeper understanding of where she was coming from.

My main complaint about this book is just that it is, for lack of a better word, smart. Plummer is a Phd. I appreciated how educated she was but I thought that her writing made the book less accessible to anyone without a college education. It took me a long time to read this book and I really had to concentrate and struggle with it at times to follow what was being said. I prefer non-fiction which is lighter in tone and easier to read especially because my reading is often interrupted by the demands of motherhood. This isn't the type of book one can easily read when surrounded by distractions. If you don't typically read non-fiction this book is not a good place to start.

I do think this is an important book and overall I think everyone should read it. It has helped me look at cross racial friendships differently.

[Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an academic book, so it reads more dense/academic than the title might suggest.
Don't be daunted by the very dry introduction - Plummer livens things up with frequent anecdotes from interview subjects and her own life.

I was fascinated by researchers attempting to quantify the closeness of friendships via survey questions. (Have you ever discussed deep topics? Have you gone on vacation together? Have you witnessed a family argument?)
I'd have asked, "Can you throw something in their kitchen trash without asking where it is?" :D

Also, I found it meaningful that she talked about "Consistency, Positivity, and Vulnerability" as the keys to deepening a friendship, and offered some thoughts toward deepening "Calendar" or "Fellowship" friendships into "Friends of the Heart." (Calendar friends are friends for a specific activity - if you stopped scheduling the meeting/ going to the club, the friendship would vanish - "Fellowship" friends are joined over a shared task or goal - such as volunteering or work friends.)

I do think that cross-racial friendships are important. The statistics on how few white people have a close friend of another race are sad, but an inevitable result of intentional and unconscious decisions isolating us - the legacy of red lining, white flight, and gated communities. As the book urges, I have made intentional decisions in my life to live in a diverse neighborhood and send my kid to a school with a diverse student body. Not to clap myself on the back, but I found myself nodding along, because that had to be intentional, I had to think about it as I shopped for a house.

Anyway, the author is from Cleveland, which added local interest for me, and I look forward to discussing the book at my work book club.

[Na · Rating 5 out of 5]

Books on racism can be flamethrowers or dull stones. Through science and stories, Dr. Plummer does a wonderful job challenging readers to step out of their comfortable, monoracial social circles and start interracial relationships. Dr. Deborah L. Plummer is a practicing psychologist and former Catholic nun. The stories from her personal background are beautifully woven through the book. There is an honesty that Dr. Plummer exposes to the reader of her own racial struggles in her identity and friendships. It is through those experiences, her own case studies, and the work of other scientists that we see the delicate dance of racism in our friendships, communities, and families. Without giving too much away, this is a book you may want to put on your “to read” list. It is approachable, challenging, and intellectual. Lastly, Dr. Plummer is sure to make certain readers uncomfortable as any good book on racism should. She sticks with her thesis throughout the book offering fresh insight on race relations. Some of My Friends Are… is an optimistic, inspiring book that will spark the reader to challenge themselves with interracial friendships.

[Ethan · Rating 4 out of 5]

An excellent, personal, and engaging exploration into the need for, and challenges associated with, cross-racial friendships in America.

The author maintains a firm conviction of the power of cross-racial friendships to help bridge the racial divides and misunderstandings which plague America today. She nevertheless is well aware of the challenges which come in having strong cross-racial friendships.

The author explores, based on her own circumstances, the condition of races in America and their tendency to self-segregate. This is all the more evident in friendships, in which very few people have a truly strong friendship with a member of another race. She discusses the challenges which have led to this situation, and explores the various stumbling blocks which make it difficult to have and maintain cross-racial friendships. She is hopeful that people will do better at intentionally attempting to maintain cross-racial friendships but understands the difficulties involved. She also addresses the various stages of friendship, racial recognition, and other elements which go into making or breaking cross-racial friendships. She has a strong background in psychology which she uses to great effect in the book.

I personally found her example of the class exercise involving the "Suns," "Moons," and "Stars" illuminating, indicating that even if race were not the construct at hand there would be some other means by which those who have a lot and those who are managing to get by will demonize those who do not have enough and will find ways to justify their hoarding of resources. It certainly doesn't justify what goes on in America, but it goes a long way to explaining how it has come to be.

A good read in light of the challenges facing our society.

**--book received as part of early review program

[Suzanne Ondrus · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some of My Friends Are… The Daunting Challenges and Untapped Benefits of Cross-Racial Friendships by Deborah Plummer (2019) Beacon Press

This book is phenomenal! I highly recommend it! It should be getting much more attention. I loved how Plummer courageously opens her life, heart, mind to us. Plummer talks about her own interracial friendships, some of which date back to her school days—about 50 years ago. This is very generous—allowing us into a very intimate and valuable space. It is in such spaces that deep learning can happen. She doesn’t withhold any punches; however, she employs empathy and critical analysis at the same time. This book is much needed as statistics reflect: “Among white Americans, 91 percent of the people in their social networks were white”(25). “About 40% of white Americans had only white friends, whereas about 25% of nonwhite Americans were surrounded only by people of their own race”(25). She notes 17% of couples are in interracial marriages (43). However, currently people are having trouble interacting with those different from them. She mentions Robert Putnam who wrote Bowling Alone and Our Kids: The American Dream in Crisis. According to Plummer, Putnam finds that “diverse communities trust each other less…that living in diverse settings causes people to “hunker down” and “pull in like a turtle” She explains that we lack the skills “to come out of our shells” (53). I think with immersion in technology we are further eroded. Obviously the solution is to interact more with people different than us. According to Linda Tropp, a psychologist, Plummer explains that Tropp finds: “The more contact people have with those of a different race, the less anxious they feel about interacting in racially diverse settings. People need to feel confident and efficacious in managing cross-racial interactions; otherwise they may try to avoid them. Helping others to gain confidence and reduce anxiety in cross-racial interactions is key, as is helping them understand implicit bias”(61).


I especially appreciated how she refers to some locations in Cleveland. I had heard about killings of blacks in Cleveland’s Little Italy that happened around the 60s and 70s and tended to categorize this as ‘in the past.’ However, listening to Plummer explain how this neighborhood elicits anxiety enabled me to understand why and how this area brings acute discomfort still today. Plummer’s articulation on how she does not feel well in this area and avoids eating there due to this history made me understand trauma in a deeper dimension-mentally and emotionally. Moreover, she shows intergenerational trauma, relaying how her niece also feels anxiety about going to Little Italy and nixing it as a dinner option with friends.

Plummer opens her book with a personal story of her husband and her meeting an engineering couple for dinner at a restaurant. They made a point to be early since their friends are always early. When they walked into the restaurant they told the hostess they were meeting friends. They were seated. Much time went by and they kept on being told their friends were not there. Finally Plummer sees the couple; they were also in the restaurant waiting for them. Plummer is African American; the couple was white. The hostess assumed both parties had friends of the same race! This is a great opening and a memorable teaching anecdote. Plummer relates how now she makes it a point to tell hostesses that she is meeting white friends, noting they are taken aback at the mention of race; however frequently the restaurant staff is grateful for this information. Another memorable personal anecdote of Plummer’s involved racism on the academic job market where Plummer was told she was not black enough because the came from a good and stable background (55-56). This reminds me of Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “The Danger of a Single Story Talk” where an editor did not accept Purple Hibiscus because he found rich Africans unreal.

Plummer first grew up in Cleveland and then her family moved to the suburbs (perhaps Euclid?), and she went on to attend Notre Dame high school. Her parents were Panamanian and Jamaican and “didn’t know they were not supposed to flee the inner city with the white folks”(7). Plummer entered the convent after high school and left after around 15 years of being there. Her story also sheds light on racism in the Catholic church, something that in my view actually seems to have brought her to her calling of diversity work. After reading her book, I am keen on reading more about her fascinating life.


Plummer fully critiques and analyzes black and white interactions, really explaining with examples the inner workings of microaggressions. For example, a friend told her that she did not think of her as black. She notes that “There are two aspects to uncovering the elephant in this statement—intention and impact”(56). She notes that while the intent was mostly to compliment, she wondered if they do not see her color and she wonders what “being black means to them”( 57). She reveals that saying they don’t see her as black is actually because “they find it hard to relate positive qualities or intellectual rigor to blacks”(58). Then she challenges us to think what is on the flip side of the seemingly compliment—“thinking of blacks as poor, uneducated, crafty, and pugnacious”(59).

“People of color in cross-racial dyads desire to be acknowledged for their competencies and overcompensate by demonstrating their experience and intelligence. They want to feel respected. They want to be empowered in the relationship and considered equal partners”( 60). Some African Americans feel like whites do not understand them and it can be exhausting having to translate (60). Even some may feel like they have to put on an act around whites, wear a mask, that they cannot be their true selves (60).
“Whites desire to be liked in the friendship and people of color want to be respected” (60). So there is an opposition in white and black relationships, of respect versus to be liked and this sets “off an opposing interaction”(60).
“Doing you” in all your glory requires suspending the pre-analysis of the relationship as one where race will be a barrier. If you find someone is interesting because of their personal style, similar interests, or intellectual prowness, then approach the individual as you would any other new relationship. If you find yourself interested in the individual simply because they are of a different race and you find that race fascinating or exotic, then slow yourself down before you make your move. You may label that interesting person of a different race as your friend but that individual may think differently as a result of the fact that they end up being “the friend” for many whites”(62).

“I believe that the benefits derived from cross-racial and cross-cultural experiences support us in being fully ourselves. As a result of these friendships I become racially resilient, an invaluable skill that is necessary for navigating our increasingly multicultural world. Racially resilient individuals are folks who stay engaged during racial clashes and don’t give up until they are familiar with the script of multicultural living. That work is best done among friends. Racially resilient friends have the ability to encourage others to take the first steps toward achieving racial equality on a structural level”(66).

It is found that for children with more diverse friends they have “greater social competence and increased acceptance of different cultures”, going on to adolescents, when they have more diverse friends, they have “greater academic success, higher educational aspirations, and leadership”, and with adults with diverse friends, we see less “prejudice and discrimination, changed perceptions about racism, and a strong belief in the possibility of lessening the racial divide”(79).

“Many whites find themselves in adulthood struggling for the first time to figure out what race and whiteness mean as an integral part of their full identity…White often means a not. I’m not black. I’m not Asian. I’m not Hispanic. I’m not Native American Indian. I am American”(81).
“What does it mean to be white in a society where race is only attached to people of color? It makes it easy for whites, as a member of the dominant race, to conceptualize themselves as the norm. It is very much like a computer system in which the default value is already set”(86). And this then results in institutionalized white culture and also racism. It establishes norms for our major institutions, such as education, banking, transportation, businesses ways of operating.

In response to saying that whites “struggle to understand white identity both on an institutional and a personal level”, she gives the example of the Confederate monuments, which to many whites represent ‘their culture’; however, many have no idea that the majority of such monuments were erected “between 1900 and 1950 as states enacted Jim Crow laws to disenfranchise African Americans and formally segregate society”(87). They need to realize that these statues are akin to putting up statues of Nazi generals. These statues were put up to threaten people of color, to tell them to stay below whites, stay in their place. Mitchell Landrieu, a white man and former mayor of New Orleans , says that “The people that lost decided to put these statues up to send a message to people just like Wynton, that you’re lesser than, and even though we lost the war, and the United States won, we’re not coming along. And that’s why Robert E. Lee’s arms are folded and he’s looking north. It’s an affront to the idea of what America was supposed to be postwar”(qtd. in Plummer 87-88). Plummer relates an excellent story of how using Confederate materials is done to threaten blacks. She explains how her family moved from Cleveland out to the suburbs (I’m assuming this is around the late 50s or early 60s) and her white neighbors put up a barbed fenced with NO TRESPASSING signs, but the real kicker is that they flew the Confederate flag (88). Now, why would a Northerner fly the confederate flag? That is like a Jewish person flying the Nazi flag. The North did not want the South to win. This was not a Southern family. That flag means division. It means keeping blacks as slaves. It harks back to an era where whites had legalized power over blacks.

Plummer acknowledges that most whites do not see whiteness as the same as being a racist. “Yet understanding racism as part of a development racial-identity process is necessary in order to achieve a healthy white identity resolution. Just as you cannot reach sexual maturity without going through puberty, you cannot reach racial maturity as a white person without understanding and rejecting racism in all of its forms and expressions”(90).
“Whites have to find a way to claim their white identity as apart from that of oppressor, just as people of color have sought ways and continue to define their identity outside of victimization and marginalization. That is their work, and people of color cannot do that work for whites”(author’s italics 91).
“Yes whites must actively work to end racial injustices and raise their consciousness about white privilege. Whites must also work just as hard to affirm an identity of whiteness apart from racial oppression and white supremacy that supports a positive white identity rooted in racial equality”(92).

In regards to institutional racism Plummer explains that we have to move past assuming that all whites are exploitative or suffering from white fragility. Also she states that “We also have to move past the certainty that people of color have as their core identity that of being marginalized, oppressed, and victimized by the racist practices that exist in this country. This kind of thinking sets up an unhealthy dynamic in which whites cleanse collective guilt through relationships with people of color and people of color extract their self-worth from whites”(93).

“Most of us are satisfied with the current monoracial environments we have created, and most of us lack the necessary skills to interact successfully across racial lines. As a result, we spend most of our energies resisting cross-racial interactions. In order to move forward, we start with managing resistance”(93-94).

Studies have shown that in mixed interactions when the topic of race was mentioned, whites were less interested in continuing to talk, while people of color became more interested to talk. Why is this? Whites are less used to being uncomfortable than people of color and “do not always feel confident that they can navigate the topic”(94). Racial scholar Linda Tropp gives an analogy to this as language learning. She thinks that if we address people’s anxiety about discussing race, then whites will gain confidence in having race related conversations. Being aware of one’s own feelings around racism is essential and such discussions help to normalize these uncomfortable feelings and serve as a preparation for people to actually deal with them because they will know to expect them. (94). Tropp’s studies found that when teachers have diverse friends, their confidence of working with and managing diverse students in the classroom grows. Plummer explains that “Knowing how to bump requires emotional resilience when we make mistakes. It requires courage to own our personal and professional incompetence”(94).

-Caution against thinking because you have friends of color, that any person of color will want to be close to you—better to error on formality and read if the person wishes to be closer or not (97).

“White fragility manifests itself in white people’s inability to even have discussions about racism without getting defensive or positioning themselves as being victimized. From this perspective, the white racial-identity process is a struggle around owning whiteness as an oppressor and the beneficiary of racism. This struggle is one that causes white people to experience racial stress, and thus whites “withdraw, defend, cry, argue, minimize, ignore, and in other ways push back to regain our racial position and equilibrium”(111).

FYI Peggy McIntosh is from Columbus, Ohio and Plummer is friends with her.

“When you travel with friends of a different race, you get to experience the spikes of life lying down for whites just like the tire spikes when returning a rental car. You get to experience that they often don’t go down for people of color”(114). Plummer relays being with McIntosh at dinner in Columbus at a restaurant and they had not been waited on or even given bread, while all the other white dinners had been. McIntosh then told Plummer it was because of Plummer’s skin color, and Plummer appreciated that McIntosh acknowledged the racism (114-115)

-Humor reveals racism. It also can reveal stereotypes. With jokes, ask if the joke hurts. Will the joke make someone mad? Will it hurt them?

Harvard social psychologist Gordon Allport “noted that when minority groups embrace political action, they are viewed as militant, as troublemakers or agitators”(170).
-We need to remember that there is discomfort in learning because we are changing, and any change makes us nervous.
-She notes that “Great interviewers like Oprah Winfrey balance their own vulnerability with objectivity, which leads to deeper conversation and new insights”(173).

-Derek Black a white man who finally left a white supremacy group. Derek Black says it was not friendship that changed is opinion, but the fact that he valued those opinions that were different from his. He had white friends who had different opinions from his. However, he was shocked when his peers on campus were afraid of him. Ultimately it appears that his interracial relationships are what changed him. He points out that many Americans buy into separation and do separation, so therefore white nationalism is not so strange for them. He finds that while white nationalists want all white areas, it is easy to find this, so many whites perceive this as ‘normal’. Derek Black says that the only way to change white nationalism is to change the separatist reality- to have more diversity in our lives.

-Check out Derek Black’s New York Times article “What White Nationalism Gets Right About American History” and his article on leaving white nationalism in the Washington Post

-Catherine Epstein The Correspondence Project-She also got a Facing History, Facing Ourselves grant. The goal is to talk with others of different perspectives remember they are human and to change their perspectives of those who hold different opinions or who are different. “They began with letters as an intentional way to slow students down and to create a material connection between the sender and the receiver.” They first asked “What assumptions do you think others might make about you?” (179). Epstein was a teacher at a prep school in Massachusetts. She had her students write to students in Arkansas. The Arkansas students thought others thought they were hillbillies, and the Massachusetts students asked what a hillbilly was.

“When we live in racially segregated environments and socialize in segregated settings, get information filtered through news media aligned with our interpretation and then add racial distrust, that becomes a perfect formula for a separatist society. Fox & Friends cable news program consistently ranks as number one in viewers, though reportedly only 1 percent of those viewers are black and the percentage of other viewers of color is most likely low”(180).

-Shasta Nelson lists 3 essentials for healthy friendship: consistency, vulnerability, and positivity (qtd. in Plummer 182).

Plummer defines 5 types of cross-racial friendships:
1. bubble friends-do not look at racial reality and problems, rather put forth propaganda that we live in a utopia, tokens,: “Bubble cross-racial friends are tokens for each other, allowing each friend to deflect any accusations or claims of racial discrimination. As tokens, persons of color get the benefit of believing there is no difference between members of the dominant race and themselves. Whites give themselves a get-out-of-jail-free card by having a person of color they can claim as a close friend”(184). Plummer cites Trump’s African American assistant Omarosa
2. fantasy friends- “little contact, depth or intimacy”(184) This might be a classmate or co-worker, so not someone who you tell your problems to or invite to your house. Plummer notes these relationships or this category at least has a positive label and “provide a glimmer of hope for a different future if we so choose to move in that direction”(185).
3. calendar frie

[Patrice Marks · Rating 5 out of 5]

SOME OF MY FRIENDS ARE... is a book for the conscientious reader interested in having relationships outside of their own race, and for those who already do, but perhaps want to establish a stronger, deeper relationship with their friends. This books was easy to read and follow, despite reading like a text book.

She lists studies that show that whites are less likely to have friendships outside their race than non-whites.

I especially appreciated the example of Patricia and Charlotte; two friends who definetely need some help; as they are considered "friendship with boundaries."

It is hard work and a challenge if you want to have a relationship that is not superficial; where you understand each other and understand the history of the African-American race and its relationship to this country. Slavery, segregation, Jim Crowe, Selma is not something that happened in the past but still shapes the AA experience. Taking that into account when nurturing your relationships will have a big impact.

Is it worth it? If you're a fan of educating yourself, learning and growing, then the answer is yes. I agree with the author on this one.

[Deborah LaRoche · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is not a quick read, for all the right reasons. Very insightful, and if you ever get the chance to hear Deborah Plummer speak (in person, on a webinar, or what-have-you), take it. She's a great facilitator of difficult discussions!

[Pricilla C. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Plummer shares a lot of her personal experiences growing up as a black woman in the U.S. as well as her professional/academic research on cross-racial interactions in the US.

She dives deep into the history of racism and racial tension in America, with a heavy focus on black and white framework, to explain why cross-racial friendships (CRF) are so uncommon in our society. That was educational; however, as an Asian American, it was sometimes hard to relate to or find my position in this black and white binary. The book can become more inclusive and relatable to other POC if more different examples were used (not just friendships between black and white people).

Dr. Plummer also talks about different benefits of having a CRF, for example, that "it provides us access to resources, identity, perspectives we would otherwise lack." As a global citizen who has lived in different countries and traveled extensively, I completely agree and wish more people can see that a CRF is not that "scary." It could also be because of my international upbringing, that I personally never found making friends with non-Asian challenging at all.

I like that the central message of the book is "getting to 'We'" -- encouraging more cross-cultural interactions, building bridges, seeking common ground, and dismantling presumptions/stereotypes of other races.

Overall, it is a really good book to read if you have every wondered why it is hard to make friends with people from another racial group or just want to learn more about the racial tension/dynamic in America. I really hope that more Americans can read this book and start bridging the racial divide that has been so prominent in our society, especially in the last few years.

[Carol · Rating 5 out of 5]

Her book if read carefully will cause a lot of self-examination. It flows great and felt like I would love to meet her. I am white and did not meet a black person until I went to summer school in the sixth grade. That was when I found out that I was white. I was the only white in the whole school that summer. I remember wanting to have friends but it was very difficult. Mostly, I got stared at.

My background is different from many whites, I married an Asian American and had more friendships outside of my race than most. The author's book was very helpful to make to try to understand myself. When she said that many of her friends told her that they think of her ass white. I understood. I have been told by several Asian Americans that they think of me as Asian.

Other than her personal experiences which I valued reading about so much, I liked learning the differences between 1) Overt, intentional racism 2) covert intentional racism 3) Covert, unintentional racism. Also, her tips like if someone says something racially offensive to you, to calmly ask for more information. Also, that to remember that we are all racially fragile and will probably not discuss the subject. I have discussed race with people of a different race than me and it can be a very wonderful thing. Tough subject to raise, it is often the elephant in the room but it can be a positive experience. This is a great book for anyone, no matter what race they are.

I received a finished copy of this book as a win from LibraryThing from the publishers in exchange for a fair book review. My thoughts and feelings in this review are totally my own.

[Raven Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dr. Plummer gives a very honest and extensive analysis of the impact of cross-racial friendships through her personal experiences, historical references, and qualitative research. I think the most thought-provoking aspect of the book lies in what she has experienced from her cross-racial friendships. This occurs when she opens up about some of the challenges of feeling misunderstood and uncomfortable with practicing emotional honesty with her non-black friends when they make comments or hold views that may be problematic. She also gave insight into the condition of most cross-racial friendships in which she establishes that some white people view friendships with black/non-white friends as a learning experience at the very least. She juxtaposed this statement with the declaration that black people are motivated to seek a relationship with their white peers out of a need and a desire to navigate spaces and gain upward mobility in society. Based on these conclusions she establishes that black people view friendships with white people as a necessity and white people view friendships with black people as a bonus. I believe recognizing and picking apart the reasons for this type of dynamic is very important in starting the conversation for rectifying race relations and moving towards equity and inclusion. This serves as a great eye-opener and conversation starter especially for people who are seeking to begin the journey of being more informed and aware of the benefits of diversity.

[J Godkin · Rating 5 out of 5]

After reading Dr. Plummer's book, I see this as an essential read for individuals, academics, and professionals within and outside of the social justice and D&I environments. It is now as important as ever to explore the benefits of cross-racial friendships, and Dr. Plummer makes a strong case for the role these friendships can have in repairing race relations in the U.S. This book gave me context into the benefits of cross-racial friendships from a historic perspective, and provided an inspiring narrative for how they might aid in "strengthening our democracy through a shared vision that comes only from understanding another's reality". The book provides an excellent illustration of the importance of finding a place of understanding, in order to "unlock the cycle that perpetuate racial inequality". By integrating academic research, personal stories, and lessons from focus group participants, she illustrates some of the beliefs that are held regarding cross-racial friendships, and she challenges the reader to consider the ways in which these friendships can support their personal lives, as well as the overall social landscape of the U.S. Finally, I appreciated her compassionate approach to addressing the challenges she faced within her own cross-racial friendships.

[Sara Espinosa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is an honest portrayal of what it means to live in a multi-racial nation. I loved how the author linked some of the psychological studies to her personal experiences as a person of color and it made the chapters very relatable. I never knew that some of my social experiences with race could be explained so well with psychology. As a Latina, I often found comfort surrounding myself with people belonging to my race if possible because I knew they would understand my background and existence. I think this book really forces you (in a good way) to reflect upon the choices you make when it comes to personal relationships and it makes you take a hard look at your social circle. Deborah's writing is not condescending, it's almost nurturing. She explains everything very thoroughly and that makes this book a perfect subject of discussion at the dinner table. This book can also be a good addition to suggested training materials at race and diversity committees. It can serve as nudge to really practice what is being preached or a very good start towards initiating race discussions in difficult settings.

[Rebekah · Rating 5 out of 5]

**Goodreads giveaway recipient**

I'll just say this is a super important read for everyone, no matter his/her skin color.

And I'll admit, this was a difficult read for me at times, mostly because I have struggled (and I mean struggled hard) with my racial identity as white for yeeeears. So it was a bit gut-wrenching to be convicted by some things and to not fit into the white mold in other cases...

But the author gives constructive tips to grow/strengthen cross-racial relationships. The biggest one I'm taking away from the reading is the idea of "bumping"--which I think could be summed up as talking and listening respectfully with one another (something I think is an important life skill for all people in all situations, but which often seems to be seriously lacking).

A moving proposal from a thoughtful advocate to be more mindful and purposeful in our cross-racial relationships.

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Boom recommended for a group discussion w Dr Plummer. The book provides examples of cross racial relationships and interactions alongside great research to make the info very accessible. I found myself using concepts from the book immediately in how I worked with patients and viewed my friendships. Also found discussion w Dr Plummer very positive and affirming and encouraging participants to begin setting intentions for our own learning and growth in a way that was empowering.

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the mix of academics and auto-biographical content. Some real things to think about. The author puts a lot of herself into this book - so sometimes it seems very much like one person's point of view. Which is fine, people have different opinions. I liked it and although it took a while to get through, it wasn't a slog.

[Shawn Zhang · Rating 3 out of 5]

The writing is unnecessarily complex, which makes it hard to understand. I bought it a few years ago thinking it would be more related to psychology, which it isn’t . I can finally put this book away and say I’ve read it—and never open it again, even though i can barely recall a thing, as I was mostly struggling with the long sentences.

[Elizabeth · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book had great potential, but ended up being overly heavy and repetitive. The author drones on about how we all need friends of every race, or else we are close minded bigots, and repeats these themes in every chapter. Not recommended.

[Enid L. Lapham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good for the soul

I recommend that everyone reads this book. It made me think, have some regrets, and search try soul. The country would be better if we alk have true cross a racial friendships.

[Linda]

The subject is very interesting, but I found much of it to be too academic for me.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful, well developed and an important study in these difficult times. Makes me want to reflect even more on the need for diversity in our personal and societal lives.

[Laura Daugherty · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting look at race relations

[Michele · Rating 4 out of 5]

This took me a while to read because there is so much important content. It was a very interesting read though. 4.5 stars

[Nicole Braden Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thank you Dr Plummer.

[Cheryl · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent read for all races. This would be a phenomenal book club read!