Respect: Everything a Guy Needs to Know About Sex, Love, and Consent

by Inti Chavez Perez

An all-encompassing guide to help guys navigate sex, relationships, and consent in the 21st century.

The world has changed, and the revelations of the #MeToo movement have raised serious questions about how men are raised to understand their own sexuality and the concept of consent. Respect is an all-encompassing guide that sheds light on these issues and more, laying out how men should approach and understand sex and relationships in the 21st century. So instead of simply parroting lines about how they ought to behave, young men can gain a deeper understanding of how they ought to behave. In direct, approachable language, Inti Chavez-Perez delves into the meaning of topics from consent and relationships, to body image, to gender identity and sexual orientation among others, and does so without judgment. Respect is a book for guys to learn from and then go back to, telling you everything you should know, and everything you would want to know.

Genres: Nonfiction, Sexuality, Parenting, Relationships, Feminism, Health, Queer

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2010

Reviews

[Elina Mäntylammi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Inti Chavez Perezin Respektiä aiheutti Suomessa kirjakohun. Mahtavaa. Toivottavasti se saa nyt mahdollisimman paljon nuoria lukijoita ja muitakin lukijoita.

Perez kirjoittaa asioista suoraan, ja täytyy kehua myös Juha Hurmeen loistavaa suomennosta. Kustantaja Gummerus on panostanut myös kirjan ulkoasuun. Lyhyet luvut ja helppolukuinen fontti sekä väljä ulkoasu, johon on nostettu sitaatteja ja tutkimustuloksia tekstin oheen, toimii kuin häkä.

Itsehän sain kirjasta paljon uutta tietoa, mutta erityisen liikuttavaa on, miten Perez opettaa poikia lähestymään kiinnostuksen kohdetta, lukemaan kumppanin signaaleja, kunnioittamaan itseä ja kumppania ja etenemään omaan tahtiin. Paljon turhaa ahdistusta häviäisi ja kaikkien seksielämä olisi takuulla parempaa, jos tätä kirjaa luettaisiin.

[Jochen · Rating 4 out of 5]

De Engelse uitgave heeft het over ´a guy´, maar in het Nederlands hebben ze het over ´jongens´ en die vlag dekt de lading beter. Boeiendste voorlichtingsboek voor jongens dat ik ooit las. Helder, duidelijk, geen taboe wordt uit de weg gegaan... Blijft niet hangen bij alleen maar seks, maar gaat ook over respect, gedrag, stoerdoenerij etc. Een absolute must read voor alles wat ouder is dan 16 en zichzelf ´jongen´ noemt. Vanaf heden een vaste stek op mijn non-fictie leeslijst van de vierdes!

[Public Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this up to give to my son who is getting close to the "birds and bees" discussion age. At 10 he's a little too young for this book, but I'm keeping it on my bookshelf and will probably hand it over in a couple of years. This book will make an excellent jumping-off point for deeper discussions about sex and consent.

A very honest, frank discussion of all the gritty details and questions a young person might have about sex. I appreciated the non-judgemental tone when talking about some ticklish topics. I also appreciated when the author would casually point out the kind of things that can get a young person in trouble with the law, such as dick pics, without being a hard-on about it. Pun intended.

[Melissa McGowan · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you are looking for a specific, modern, and progressive sexual reference book for your teenage son, this is it. The author wrote this book with teenage boys in mind, but it would be a useful read for any young person.

[Иванка Могилска · Rating 3 out of 5]

Прочетох тази книга като майка на момче, на което един ден ще трябва да подам скромна, ориентировъчна карта за шантавото, и толкова основополагащо за смислен живот, пътуване в света на секса, любовта и взаимността. И мога да кажа, че тя ще ми свърши чудесна работа.

Ето какво ми хареса:

- Тонът -неособено емоционален, разумен, приятелски. Тази книга не налага мнение, а споделя с читателя основни положения.

- Изчерпателността - вътре има куп теми, които вероятно ще вълнуват моя син, но аз изобщо не бих се сетила за тях. Може би, защото съм забравила, че са ме вълнували, може би, защото съм от противоположния пол. Това не е от особено значение. Важно е, че книгата подсеща мен какво да можем да обсъдим и дава директни отговори на горещи момчешки въпроси.

- Основите, на които стъпва целият... разказ. "Всичко е позволено, докато се харесва и на двамата партньори". "Не се съгласявай да правиш - в леглото и във връзката - неща, които са против принципите и природата ти." "Говорете си - с разговор може да се реши почти всеки проблем. Или поне да намалите негативните емоции." Това са си основни принципи за пълноценни отношения през целия живот, не само в тийнейджърска възраст.

- Упражненията. Както казах, това си е наръчник/учебник. Просто на тийновете няма да им е скучен, защото темата им е важна. След всяка глава има упражнения, които момчето да изпълни само или с партньора си. Идеята ми се вижда чудесна. И без това ще експериментират, поне да се сетят откъде да почнат, за да им е добре.

Ето какво не ми се понрави или ми се струва, че трябва да е повод за допълнителни разговори между дете и родител:

- Някои твърдения ме учудиха. Например категоричното обяснение, че хименът не съществува. Да, при някои момичета може да го няма, при други го има. Категоричността, с която се отрича ме подразни и ме накара да чета нататък с едно наум.

Обясненията за спешната контрацепция също ме смутиха. Като чете, човек остава с впечатлението, че тези хапчета не са проблем и може да се пият често-често. На мен ми се струва важно да се каже какво всъщност правят те с тялото на момичето и защо не е добра идея да се прибягва често до тях. Нали идеята е хлапетата да бъдат по-отговорни към своето тяло и тялото на другия.

- Неколкократните вметвания, че момичетата се притесняват да са по-активни в леглото или да са по-предизвикателни в училище/на улицата, защото ще ги помислят за курви. Сега, това е чисто субективно вероятно, на мен тази дума не ми е нито в мисленето, нито в речника... Но... Струва ми се доста преувеличено. Има и упражнение, с което да насърчиш партньорката си да е по-смела в леглото и да не се притеснява, че ще я помислиш за курва. Самото упражнение си е супер. Да, има момичета, които са по-плахи, но защо е това допълнително обяснение, което може да е и абсолютно невярно?

Предполагам, че колкото читатели, толкова и недоволни от това-онова в съдържанието ще има. Важното е, че като цяло книгата е супер полезна за родители и техните попораснали момчета. Дава отговори. Поставя въпроси. Успокоява. Осигурява най-добрата отправна точка за всяко пътуване в света на взаимоотношенията - уважението към себе си и към другия.

[Lara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was pretty damn good. I'm impressed.

I won't say I agree with everything in the book but for the most part, this was well done, informative, has a strong sense of audience and frankly, a lot of very good information. The book places a lot of emphasis on consent and on recognizing power dynamics.

I highly, highly recommend this book. That said, the target audience is quite specific. This book is written for boys between 11 and 17. It would not be a good fit for really anyone outside of that range.

[Jesse | jessereviewsbooks · Rating 1 out of 5]

I appreciate the thought and necessity behind this book, as many young boys need to learn about sexual health, rape, and consent but I don't think this book is completely successful. The book was a jumbled mess. There were many instances where the author would use certain terms in the beginning of the book, only to actually introduce and define those terms later in the book. The author would talk about rape and consent, and then in later chapters would actually discuss sex and what sex is like (I say chapters because the author would constantly refer back to topics that have already been covered). It felt as if the author had written a series of standalone essays that were then just compiled to create the book without looking to see if the order would actually work. I don't think I could recommend this book

Thank you to Netgalley for providing me with an advanced reader copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Rakisha · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a highly readable book that is a translation of a Swedish book that was published nearly ten years ago. I appreciate that it tackles false ideas of masculinity, the importance of consensual relationships, and sexual experiences. However, I couldn't get past the first part of the book that deals with pornography as the studies quoted were outdated--some as old as 2002. The different types of porn, the access to porn, and the numbers of those who watch porn have more than likely changed since then. Also, there's a very judgemental blanket statement about the most prevalent porn storyline include women being raped on screen. The author also equates a gang bang scenario as rape. There are forced sexual encounter storylines in pornography but there are also so many other categories. There's also a category of "women friendly" porn that doesn't rely on the male dominant formula or women degrading formula the author discusses as the problems of other forms of porn.

[Forever Young Adult]

Graded By: Mandy W.
Cover Story: Eyeballs Emoji
Talky Talk: Let's Talk About Sex, Babies
Course Curriculum: Sex (and Dating) Ed
Extra Credit: Dunking on Misogyny
Class Standing: D for D...egree

Read the full book report here.

[Tapani Aulu · Rating 4 out of 5]

Onpa hyvä, että tällaista suoraanpuhuvaa materiaalia on nyt saatavilla nuorille. En itse olisi vielä varmaan 16-vuotiaanakaan ollut kohderyhmää, mutta moni olisi. Oikein hyvä kirja ja kohu on selvästi täysin tuulesta temmattu, eli ns. "lukemattap**kaa-kohu".

[Marianne Barron · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hadde jeg hatt denne boka for 12-13 år siden så hadde det sannsynligvis vært enklere å være min sønn.. :) Veldig bra. Anbefales alle foreldre som lurer på om det er på tide å informere arvingen om sex.

[Neda Alaei · Rating 4 out of 5]

Viktig og ærlig bok om sex, for gutter, men også for jenter og kvinner og menn og egentlig alle!

[BowbytheBay · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, full of information! I learned things. Pretty complete. Hard to say what is the right age for this book.

[Coralie · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book is utter trash. I read it for work but I have serious issues with teenagers reading this book. There are so many prejudices and stereotypes throughout, I was shocked. I realized too late that this book was written over a decade ago - and I know that a lot has changed since then, but not often to justify the content of this book. I also don't think it's appropriate to use words such as "pu**y" and "di**" when you're writing a book for a teenage market. I will not be recommending this book to anyone, let alone teenagers.

[Sabrina · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good book for a freshman High schooler coming of age depending on maturity level. Goes beyond anatomy to emotional and cultural topics as well such as gender roles, stereotypes and double standards placed on girls. Gives relationship and technology advice in modern times. Very liberal and open LGBTQ chapters.

Common sense
Gives it to you straight



Many porn star have died of aids
It depicts fantasy. No real life sex.
Can be edited.
Dangerous things like no condums
Mean guys that do awful things to girls.

Commercial porn.

Out of hand.
Believing they are addicted


1 in 4 don’t like porn
Of those that watch 1/3 are ashamed
Porn diary

Being Male gender role
Unwritten rules
Appearance
Emotions
View of masculine and feminine in our shifting culture
Bottling emotions
Macho
Make power

Girls - gets real. Body hair. Breast differences.
Anatomy

Ideals
Open and hidden
What advertisers and movies tell us is ideal and criteria for what it means to be a girl.

Naked women statues are always flat. Don’t show vagina.
Anti pussy- can’t smell & porn stars plastic surgery.
Jock straps aren’t scented.
Stereotypes
Double standards

Imagine if men menstruated
The locker room bragging and talk on the subject
We live in a society where the pussy must be behind closed doors.
Feminine hygiene ads replace blood with a fresh blue liquid.

Love
Relationship advice & truths


Responsibilities in relationships and with respect for women

Liberal

LGBTQ

Swedish statistics

[Riikka Koo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ansiokas ja monipuolinen opus seksiin liittyvistä asioista nuorille pojille (ja kiinnostava ja varmasti hyödyllinen myös tytöille ja muille ja vanhemmillekin). Avarakatseinen ja ennakkoluuloja purkava. Kirjassa käydään varsin selkokielisesti läpi esim. ruumiinosien toimintaa, erilaisia seksin muotoja ja seksiaktin etenemistä ja hälvennetään näin hyvin turhaa seksiin liittyvää mystiikkaa. Toisaalta puhutaan paljon myös kunnioituksesta, vuorovaikutuksen tärkeydestä ja yhteiskunnan valtarakenteista. En ehkä nuorena olisi jaksanut lukea kirjaa kerralla kannesta kanteen, mutta tätä voi hyvin selailla myös tarpeen mukaan (niin itsekin lueskelin serkun kirjahyllystä pihistettyä Uma Aaltosen Murkun tapatietoa teininä). Kirjan ulkoasu on myös kivan hienotunteinen ja suomennos ainakin näin tätiperspektiivistä onnistunut.

[Sanna-Mari · Rating 4 out of 5]

Suorasanainen ja laaja teos pojille, ja miksi ei myös tytöille, seksistä, tunteista, seurustelusta ja ruumiintoiminnoista seksin yhteydessä. Tässä teoksessa ei asioiden nimeämistä pelätä, vaan sanotaan asia niinkuin se on.

Muuten tyylikäs pakkaus, paitsi että luvattoman pitkä. Kirjaa voi toki lukea niiltä osin joka itseä kiinnostaa ja plussaa myös siitä, ettei heti päällepäin näy millaisesta kirjasta on kyse.

[Jesica DeHart · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I both read this book and then agreed that this might be one of the most important books we could have our two teenage sons read. It is the book I wish every male I encountered from middle school to right this minute would have read. The conversations we have been having with our sons about this book give me tremendous hope that they will have the context, language, insight and maturity to be part of the change that is needed.

[Book Him Danno · Rating 2 out of 5]

My husband and I tried to read this book but honestly the voice the author was using was either talking down men to the point they do not understand basic human communications or turn women into villains.

I am not sure what the author was going for but it lack anything that would help men or women in the new age of #metoo
Thank you to netgalley for the advance review.

[Chelsea Martinez · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book isn't for me, but I'm happy it's around. Overall, its style (continually pointing out disparities in expectations for dudes and ladies, sometimes with statistics and sometimes with thought experiments) makes me hope there are people not out there reading it at an age where these questions are really of interest to them.

[Sarike Roest · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inclusief, zonder taboes, plezier en consent staan het hele boek centraal. Aandacht voor het bewaken van grenzen bekeken vanuit mannen (groepsdruk, beeld van mannelijkheid) en vrouwen.

[Caroline Kelemen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm certainly not the target audience for this book, but I definitely know people who would be better lovers if they read this book

[Natália Heriban · Rating 5 out of 5]

Názov trochu zavádzajúci. Knižka je oveľa komplexnejšia a úprimne som bola dojatá takmer na každej jednej strane pri jej čítaní. Osobne som rada, že už som sa mnoho “lekcií” naučila, no príde mi to tak, že viac fér, by bolo voči nám všetkým, ak by to bolo prirodzené. Keby sme sex nebrali ako samozrejmosť, ale ani ako odmenu, nebodaj ešte trest. Fakt ani nechcem vedieť koľkokrát za život som počula čosi o tom aký veľký má byť penis, ako majú vyzerať vulvy, koľkokrát máme mať sex a že keď penis nevnikol do vagíny, tak to sex nie je. Potom vlastne aj, že k sexu musíte nejako vyzerať - stále tu panuje taký ten mýtus, že “krajší” ľudia majú toho sexu viac a je aj lepší. Fakt je toho veľa a takmer všetko, čo o sexe počúvame nie je pravda. Takže po prečítaní tejto knihy mám v sebe strašne veľa emócii a myšlienok, že kedy bude štandard vedieť o svojom tele všetko, čo treba.

A inak určite to nie je iba chlapcov.

[Marras · Rating 4 out of 5]

halusin lukea koska tää aiheutti niin ison kohun Suomen mediassa ja monet oli järkyttyneitä että tämmöstä seksikirjaa jaetaan yläkouluihin XD

en siis itse kohderyhmää ole kun tää on suunnattu teini-ikäisille (cis) pojille. tää oli opettavainen, asioista kerrottiin hyvin ja on tosi hyvä että tietoa on saatavilla nuorille, myös siitä pisteitä että puhutaan kunnioituksesta, miesroolista ja esim. siitä miten miehillä on niin paljon enemmän valtaa yhteiskunnassa. mieluummin niin että nuoret oppii seksistä tän kirjan avulla eikä esim. vaan pornosta. mun mielestä ois voinu olla kyllä enemmänkin tietoo sukupuoli- ja seksuaalivähemmistöistä mutta tää on 2010 kirjotettu niin siihen nähen kuitenki ihan hyvä. naurattaa vähä ku oli eka kirja minkä pitkään aikaan luin eikä menny ku muutama päivä XD

[Mia]

Read this mostly because I wasn't as well versed in the sex-ed section of the bookstore I work at. I was pleasantly surprised by this book and it will probably be my go-to rec for people looking for sex-ed resources for teen boys. The book gives plenty of advice on sexual safety and how to approach relationships with respect for the other's consent and also not compromising your own boundaries.

[Julla]

Luin tänään koko höskän tietääkseni mistä meillä nyt taas kohistaan. Alkuperäisteoksen kirjoitusaika (2010) kuultaa läpi paikoitellen, mutta mielestäni kuitenkin aika hyvin säilynyt, kattava ja hauska nuorten omalla kielellä kirjoitettu seksuaalikasvatusteos. Suoraa puhetta seksistä, mutta myös tunnetaidoista, sukupuolirooleista, suostumuksesta ja ihmissuhteista. Taatusti uppoaa teineihin, ja tämän kirjarovion jälkeen toivottavasti etsivätkin kohukirjan käsiinsä ja oppivat jotakin.

[Elina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helppolukuinen, uutta tietoa antava, monelta kannalta ja avoimesti puhuva sekä kannustava kirja niin pojille kuin tytöillekin.

[Aneliya Petrunova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Inti Chavez Perez har skrivit en alltigenom fantastisk bok. Han diskuterar allt möjligt en kille (eller en tjej för den delen) kan tänkas fråga om sex. Hans språk är vardagligt vilket gör det lätt att förstå och han behandlar sina unga läsare jämlikt som om de vore vuxna. Men jag tycker inte att boken endast lämpar sig för killar - minst två tredjedelar av allt innehåll skulle vara både intressant och nyttigt för tjejer också.

En enorm fördel med boken är att den är inkluderande - den är riktad till både hetero-, homo-, bi- och transsexuella.

Dessutom finns det ett register i slutet, vilket gör det lätt att snabbt hitta de texter man är särskilt intresserad av.

Men det kanske bästa av allt är att Inti Chavez Perez lägger så stor vikt vid respekt och samtycke - ett ämne som är ytterst viktigt.

Jag rekommenderar verkligen boken till alla föräldrar till barn i förpuberteten eller i de tidiga tonåren. Den går helt perfekt att ge i present så att barnet ska läsa den på egen hand eller att använda som bas för ärliga samtal med din (blivande) tonåring.

[Sara Zeller]

I’m not rating this one. Lots of thoughts.

[Henni · Rating 4 out of 5]

Hyvä paketti seksistä, suhteista ja sukupuolista teini-ikäisille pojille! Hienosti käytetty omia ja nuorten esimerkkitapauksia aiheista. Erityisen iso plussa siitä miten hyvin kirjailija selittää tyttöjen kokemusmaailmasta. Tarjoaisi vanhemmillekin kaksilahkeisille hyviä näkökulmia.