Finding the Boyfriend Within: A Practical Guide for Tapping into Your Own Source of Love, Happiness, and Respect

by Brad Gooch

In the tradition of the perennial bestseller I'm OK, You're OK, noted author Brad Gooch offers single and coupled gay men a provocative, sophisticated, and inspirational guide that addresses the big issues of love, romance, and being alone.

Part memoir, part self-help, Finding the Boyfriend Within is a remarkably practical and helpful guide in the quest for self-discovery for the thousands of gay men who despair of ever being in a committed relationship. Filled with anecdotes, romantic advice, problem-solving suggestions, and humor—as well as wisdom from both the East and West— Finding the Boyfriend Within offers simple self-awareness exercises to help discover the respect, happiness, and love that come first, and most importantly, from within.

Genres: Nonfiction, LGBT, Self Help, Gay, Queer

176 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1999

About the author

Brad Gooch is the author of Flannery: A Life of Flannery O’Connor (Little, Brown, 2009.) His previous books include City Poet: The Life and Times of Frank O’Hara; as well as Godtalk: Travels in Spiritual America; three novels--Scary Kisses, The Golden Age of Promiscuity, Zombie00; a collection of stories, Jailbait and Other Stories, chosen by Donald Barthelme for a Pushcart Foundation Writer’s Choice Award; a collection of poems, The Daily News; and two memoirs, Finding the Boyfriend Within and Dating the Greek Gods.

His work has been featured in numerous magazines including: The New Republic, The New Yorker, Vanity Fair, New York Magazine, Travel and Leisure, Partisan Review, The Paris Review, The Los Angeles Times Book Review, Art Forum, Harper’s Bazaar, The Nation, and regularly on The Daily Beast.

A Guggenheim fellow in Biography, he has received a National Endowment for the Humanities fellowship, and a Furthermore grant in publishing from the J.M. Kaplan Fund.

A professor of English at William Paterson University, he earned his PhD at Columbia University, and lives in New York City.

Reviews

[Kealii Ballao · Rating 2 out of 5]

His last name kept distracting me. I couldn't take him serious with a last name like GOOCH. He recommends taking yourself on a date, with candles and bubbly.

[Areg Every · Rating 5 out of 5]

The idea and the concept of this book is all about self-understanding and self-acceptance. It's a very practical book with concrete steps towards harmony and complete attitude. It was really interesting to dip into gay men's life and read about his worries, hopes and dreams. It doesn't matter who you are, love and happiness are true for everybody. Useful and handy, thank you Brad!

[Xavier Guillaume · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finding the boyfriend within. It's a simple idea, but it work!

When I started this book I was newly single and largely dissatisfied with life. I had been neglecting my spiritual side for years, and this book helped fill a small hole inside me. The book had me thinking about a lot of issues that I haven't faced over the years. The book asks questions that I had not asked myself. These questions are important for learning more about who I am. Honestly, though, after reading the book I still don't think I fully know who I am, so I guess that means this book is not going to solve everything. This book does help though, for example, there was a moment I was walking alone feeling miserable, and then I imagined my boyfriend within. Just the thought of him being there walking beside me completely transformed my attitude.

In case anyone was interested, my boyfriend within looks like Jeremy Renner. Yeah, I don't know where that came from, but he appeared to me in a vision when I was doing an hour long meditation. I guess he is there whenever I want to have a date with him. Maybe for some this idea of planning a date with your inner boyfriend sounds strange or silly, but honestly, I feel like taking the time to enjoy time alone is an important thing to do from time to time. It's different from just being home alone watching TV. It is engaging with life as though an incredibly important person is there with you to share it with. I suppose that incredibly important person is a actually you, so maybe the boyfriend within is a metaphor to remind yourself that you are worth taking time for and you are worth taking care of.

I strongly recommend this book for people who have issues with singledom. Some readers may have to replace the "inner boyfriend" with "inner girlfriend," but I feel like the idea should still apply.

['Nathan Burgoine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a really mixed read for me. It was actually sort of a gag-gift. Someone bought it for me after a fairly bad break-up, and also because they knew I generally disliked self-help titles. The irony of it being the last book my ex had read before the break-up sure wasn't lost on me, either (though the fact he read maybe one book a year should have been sign enough for me to give up in the first place).

But I digress. The book.

It had a strong biographical element to it, which loaned it some veracity, though I also struggled given that I'm frankly nowhere near Mr. Gooch's level of attractiveness nor as metropolitan. If you think you can be aided by the experiences of a very handsome and woefully single gay man in NY, USA, though, it might be a better fit. The advice itself was generalized and given catchy phrases such as: "To get to know the Boyfriend Within, you have to get outside yourself," and some of the exercises were interesting to me - I'd been single far more often than I'd been dating, so the whole "get over going out to dinner alone - enjoy it!" was kind of lost on me. Did people not enjoy eating out alone or going to the movies alone? I loved doing that. On the topic of self-respect and a slight brush with spiritual topics, I'll admit I had one or two moments of finding something intriguing.

I don't know. Maybe it was the wrong time back then. I'm happily married now, and I've never returned to this book.

[Kevin · Rating 4 out of 5]

It is indeed practical, and reveals things you probably have thought of or come across before. It is nice to have another authority affirming those ideas though, and the author conveys his points both clearly and refreshingly. Understanding and loving one's self is an essential component to both self-esteem and loving another person. Presented in the book are several exercises that you can try that can help you "find" yourself, and they are useful if you take them seriously. Do and you'll find this a viable resource for your personal betterment.

[Brett Weidlich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Nice but times idealistic ways to suggest how overcome loneliness and the reality of being unable to hold relationship due of being desperate or unauthentic. No matter what at the end of the book you will have strong feeling you have new good friend who is better that most psycho therapist in town...

[Kirk · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked this book. I liked that the author wasn't qualified to give advice, but gave it based on his own accounts of what had worked for him in his life. I think he gave some great ideas about finding the boyfriend within. It was a timely book as I had been wanting for answers. It was an easy read that left me feeling I need to read it again to instill some of the ideas brought up.

[Zac Sigler · Rating 3 out of 5]

I bought this book years ago, read the first couple of chapters, and decided it wasn't really for the 20-ish me. Retrying it at 33, I found it more relevant, in theory; however, in determining that I'm not really looking to date right now, its usefulness was basically reduced to finding new ways to volunteer meaningfully.

[Sheri]

I either lost what I just wrote or am repeating myself.

I really loved the introduction, but wasn't into the heart of the book. Perhaps because I'm a straight woman (a gay friend had told me how important this book was to him, and I was intrigued), but more likely because I'm just not in the mood/mode to do do the exercises right now.

[Anthony VENN-BROWN OAM · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading for every gay man. This easy to read self help book assists the reader come to the awareness that the first happiness we should all seek is not in another person or relationship but in yourself.

I've been dating the boyfriend within since i read this in 1999

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good quick read that offers some insightful advice if you are going through a rough patch in a relationship or a dry spell that won't seem to end. Brad writes with a lot of honesty and personal anecdotes, but what you get out of this book is ultimately what you are willing to work on yourself.

[David Swatling · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book ten years ago before interviewing the very attractive author. I told him I'd tried making a date with myself as he suggested, but got stood up. He laughed. Having a sense of humor about writing a gay self-help (so to speak) book goes a long way.

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

liked this book, in that it held me accountable...to become the person, I want to be with...good spiritual sound advice...

[Guillaume Bourgault · Rating 4 out of 5]

Exercises are a bit demanding, but it's worth the effort.
It reminds you that you are pretty much responsable for your own happiness, you don't have to wait for someone else!

[Jim · Rating 4 out of 5]

I registered a book at BookCrossing.com!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/11338007

[Joseph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thought this book was interesting. A lot of insight on “dating yourself.”