Unpacking Forgiveness: Biblical Answers for Complex Questions and Deep Wounds

by Chris Brauns

Helps readers move beyond the wounds and baggage of bitterness, disagreements, and broken relationships. "True or most Christian pastors and counselors agree on what forgiveness is and how it should take place." This question is part of Chris Brauns's Forgiveness Quiz that draws readers into his book and gets them thinking about the subject of forgiveness. The truth is, pastors and counselors disagree profoundly on this subject. Unpacking Forgiveness combines sound theological thinking and honesty about the complicated questions many face to provide readers with a solid understanding of biblical forgiveness. Only God's Word can unpack forgiveness. The wounds are too deep for us to find healing on our own, and the questions are too complex to be unraveled by anything but the wisdom of God. This book goes beyond a feel-good doctrine of automatic forgiveness, balancing the beauty of God's grace and the necessity of forgiveness with the teaching that forgiveness must take place in a way that is consistent with justice.

Genres: Counselling, Theology, Christian, Christianity, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Relationships

240 pages, Paperback

First published October 31, 2008

Reviews

[Lauren Mitchell · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one really brought out some good discussions in our group. I was challenged in my views. Chapter 5 was a big eye opener for me—speaking of “therapeutic forgiveness” and “cheap grace.” Is forgiveness just a personal thing we do to let go of bitterness and anger? Does it necessarily involve reconciliation? Where is the model for just “forgiving and forgetting” in the Scriptures?

It was interesting to read an uncommon take on it, which is so good for discourse. How can we really know what we think unless we entertain opposing beliefs?

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Several people had told me over the years how helpful they've found this, so I picked it up slightly idly as an 'interesting read'. It turned into a spiritual x-ray. I was pulled up short by the vastness of God's forgiveness, and by the extent to which I've been harbouring shards of resentment and bitterness.

Brauns' definition of forgiveness is the most helpful bit - centring on relational reconciliation rather than mere pardon. This affects every element of application, and the book is consistently and specifically practical. That said, the structure and visual formatting is a bit weird, and I wish he'd spent even more time exploring the nature of God's forgiveness.

Fair warning: the real-life examples of forgiveness which Brauns uses are all pretty harrowing. You might want to skip some bits.

[Brian Collins · Rating 4 out of 5]

The thesis of Chris Brauns's work on forgiveness is: "God expects believers to forgive others in the way that he forgives them" (44). That thesis may seem fairly basic until one begins to probe how God forgives believers. Brauns defines God's forgiveness as: "A commitment by the one true God to pardon graciously those who repent and believe so that they are reconciled to him, although this commitment does not eliminate all consequences" (51). Note that God's forgiveness is freely and graciously offered, yet conditional upon repentance and belief. Note also that when God offers forgiveness, he is committed to pardon and to reconcile with the sinner. But Brausn draws a distinction between punishment and discipline. Thus forgiveness does not mean that no consequences follow for sin (Brauns points to the consequences David faced for his sin with Bathsheba even after he repented and was forgiven).
Given this, Brauns defines human forgiveness as: "A commitment by the offended to pardon graciously the repentant from moral liability and to be reconciled to that person, although not all consequences are necessarily eliminated" (55). The very NT word that Paul often uses for forgiveness indicates that forgiveness is offered graciously. "Christians should always have a disposition of grace towards those who offend them" (55). Yet, the Christian cannot actually forgive, that is pardon and reconcile with, an offender apart from that person's repentance. The offer of forgiveness needs to present, but the actual forgiveness is conditional. On the other side, if the person is repentant, Brauns teaches that forgiveness is more than a promise to let things pass. It is a commitment to reconciliation.
Brauns contrasts this understanding of forgiveness with what he calls "therapeutic forgiveness." Therapeutic forgiveness is an effort to free oneself from bitterness. There are no conditions placed on the offender, and it can be done within the mind of the offended individual. There is no reconciliation required. Brauns lists a number of objections to therapeutic forgiveness. The most significant, apart from the fact that it does not align with the biblical model, are that it fails to reckon with the seriousness of evil and that it fails to force Christians to deal with their own sin.
Brauns's understanding of forgiveness raises a number of important questions. Forgiveness is more difficult under the biblical model than under the therapeutic model. It cannot be done merely within one's own mind. It involves interaction and reconciliation between two people. So what if a person is not willing to forgive? Matthew 18 provides the answer to this question. First, Jesus teaches that there should be no limit to the forgiveness offered. Second Jesus teaches that no matter how bad the offense is against us—and Brauns does not minimize the awful sinful ways that some people have been treated—God has suffered the far greater offenses. As God forgives, so must we forgive. Finally, Brauns notes the severe warnings given to those who will not forgive in Matthew 6:14-15; 7:1-2; 18:34-35. "Those unwilling or unable to forgive should fear for their salvation" (123).
On the other hand, if forgiveness is only rendered when a person repents, how should the Christian respond when a person will not repent. Brauns turns to Romans 12::17-21 to answer this question. He discerns three principles in this passage: "Principle #1: Resolve Not to Take Revenge" (130; Rom. 12:17a, 19, 21). "Principle #2: Proactively Show Love" (134; Rom. 12:17b-18, 20). "Principle #3: Don't Forgive the Unrepentant, but Leave Room for the Wrath of God" (143; Rom. 12:19). When a Christian does this Brauns says he should not "be overcome by hatred." Instead the Christian must warn the offender that he places himself in the path of God's judgment. "There is a way to lovingly remind people that God's judgment is certain (Hebrews 9:27)" (144).
Those who have been grievously sinned against often struggle with bitterness. Brauns also provides biblical counsel in this matter. First, "Wait for God's justice, and trust his providence" (155; Ps. 73:4-9, 17-27; Prov 24:19-20; Rom. 8:28). Second, "Listen to wise people" (160; Prov. 19:20). Third, "Pursue God's blessing for yourself and those close to you" (161; Ps. 73:15; Heb. 12:15-17)/ Fourth, "Call bitterness what it is. . . . It may seem like stating the obvious to say that bitterness is sin. But it needs to be said" (162).
Closely connected to bitterness is the mind that often goes back to think about the wrong. Brauns provides counsel on how to not dwell on past wrongs. First, "Burn into your mind what the Bible teaches about forgiveness" (171). Here Brauns summarizes the basic teaching of the book as the primary way to stop thinking about the wrong you have suffered:
"The most basic forgiveness principle is that Christians should forgive others as God forgave them. (See Matthew 6:12; 7:2; Ephesians 4:32.)"
"Christians should have an attitude or disposition of grace toward all people even as God offers forgiveness to all who receive it. God does not forgive all people, but he does offer grace and forgiveness to all. (See John 1:12; 3:16; Ephesians 2:8-9.)"
"Therefore, Christians must be willing to forgive all who ask for forgiveness. (See Luke 17:3-4.) Remember: whatever anyone has done to offend you will always pale in comparison to what you have done to offend God."
"Christians can conquer bitterness by trusting in the justice and providence of God. God is just. Vengeance belongs to him. He will repay. God providentially works all things together for good for those who know him. This includes the // acts of people who intend to harm us. You are not ultimately a victim (See Romans 12:19; 8:28; Genesis 45:5-7.)
"Never excuse bitterness or an unwillingness to forgive. Those unable or unwilling to forgive should question their salvation. Read this sentence aloud: 'Saying 'I cannot or will not forgive' is another way of saying 'I am thinking about going to hell.' (See Matthew 6:14-15; 18:21-35.)" (171-72)
Second, "Take a look at Christ in his Word . . . stop scrutinizing your own situation" (172; Heb. 12:1-3; Ps. 77; 121:1-2). Third, "Pray, pray, pray" (173; Phil. 4:2-7). Third, "Say and do the right things" (174). Brauns's point is that apart from seeking counsel or prayer, "talking about a wrong done to you will make it far more difficult to stop thinking about the matter." Fourth, "Participate in the God-given means of grace" (174). By this Brauns means fellowship with the people of God, haring the ministry of the Word, worshipping with God's people, studying the Bible, and praying.
Finally, Brauns looks at Acts 15:36-41 as a case study in what to do when good Christians don't agree.
This is a careful yet highly accessible book on an unescapable topic. Since every Christian will be faced with the need to forgive and be forgiven, this is a book that is easy to recommend to every Christian.

[Luann · Rating 5 out of 5]

This excellent book clears up current misunderstandings about biblical forgiveness and is well worth any Christian's time. And don't skip the appendices, which are as rich as the rest of the book.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Edit, 10/13/22: I was able to interview Pastor Brauns for a podcast recently, and have to say I recommend this book even more now. He has such a kind and tender heart, and has had to learn to unpack a great deal of forgiveness in his own life.

*****

Brauns’ book combines faithfulness to the Scriptures with sensitivity toward those who have been severely wronged. Since true forgiveness, he asserts, involves repentance on the part of the wrongdoer and reconciliation between the guilty and innocent parties, we must hold out the offer of forgiveness, but realize we can’t achieve the reconciliation forgiveness brings without the repentance of the one who sinned against us— and sometimes, due to the nature of the offense, there will never be complete restoration of the relationship this side of eternity.

There’s also a chapter about becoming free from bitterness, particularly when the person who has harmed us is unrepentant.

This way of thinking is different from what I’ve been used to, but I appreciate this the way the author presents the Bible’s teachings on forgiveness.

[Ivan · Rating 5 out of 5]

A paradigm-shifting book for how we view and practice forgiveness. Brauns offers fresh light on a topic we think we understand.

[Maggie Boyd · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a while to write this review because I really needed to let this book sink in:

To start with the good: My favorite “good” was the author’s discussion of justice. We are created with a standard of justice written on our hearts (p.147) Brauns tells us and I think he is right. Most of us want fairness (which is what we see as justice) and I think part of the collective anger in our country and the world is confusion as to what we see as injustice all around us.

Another good was the discussion on how long the feeling of having forgiven someone can take: The battle for your mind will not be won easily or instantaneously. C. S. Lewis described how long it took him to win one mental battle. In his book Letters to Malcolm he wrote, “Last week, while at prayer, I suddenly discovered— or felt as if I did— that I had really forgiven someone I have been trying to forgive for over thirty years.” If it took C.S. Lewis thirty years it will probably take some time for most of us. This, I should add, shouldn’t be the length of time for the action period, just the emotional after effects if you will.

I’ll add that the teachings from Dietrich Bonhoffer that were included were absolutely lovely. From the first quote: Cheap grace is the preaching of forgiveness without requiring repentance to the last Our humanitarian sentiment made us give that which was holy to the scornful and the unbelieving. We poured forth unending streams of grace. But the call to follow Jesus in the narrow way was rarely ever heard. Bonhoffer does a lovely job of showing how that led to Nazi Germany and a church which bowed to that government rather than fighting it.

The author’s theory of forgiveness in his own words: Christians should offer grace to all people. We should wrap up forgiveness as a present and make it available to anyone who will accept, regardless of the offense. But it is not the offense that conditions forgiveness but the repentant heart. Whether or not they unwrap the present and accept the gift so that forgiveness takes place is up to them.

He would insist that this is not the same as therapeutic forgiveness (see Lewis B. Smedes Forgive and Forget) and in a sense I agree. Therapeutic forgiveness offers forgiveness even to those who have not offended us. It places you in the position of God as you graciously forgive anyone who has ever caused you a hurt feeling. That said, the two theories are more alike than he will accept. This is essentially semantics, from the forgivers standpoint there really is no difference. The issue comes in only for the forgiven.
My biggest problem with the book came in from the examples. For example ;-)

Chapter 7 He considered peace more important than the church dealing with a gossip who had anger management issues. I strongly disagree with this. Gossip is a sin which often tears churches apart, it should always be dealt with.

Chapter 10 The author speaks of the Amish showing love to the widow and children of Charles Roberts as showing love to the one who harmed them. Actually, they showed love to the other victims. The perpetrator no one but God could do anything for. He is dead and now in the hands of the Lord.

And just for the record, we don’t place on trial the families of Auschwitz prison guards or the family of Seung-Hui Cho (VA tech shooter). Perhaps we should do more as communities to be kind to them but “even the heathen” know better than to blame them.

Chapter 11 His interpretation of Jesus’ forgiveness on the cross is simply wrong. Jesus forgave the men who crucified Him because they didn’t know what they did. It is right there in black and white. Jesus did not pardon them for every sin, He did not say, “Your sins are forgiven” but He forgave them that sin. A lot of speculation can surround the hows and whys but there is no “if” to it. He said it.

I also disagree with the author's point on reconciliation. There is an endless stream of people insisting that reconciliation means returning to what was before. I disagree. God reconciled with us but he did not sweep us back into Eden. When we forgive someone we no longer hold the sin against them but that doesn't mean the relationship somehow goes back in time to become what it was before. On page 36 of Speaking the Truth in Love the author talks about making choices in our relationships. We all constantly do this whether it is because we move or change jobs or simply find out that with our kids grown we no longer have anything in common with the other soccer moms. Relationships have natural breaks and sometimes that break will be a forgivable offense. We will forgive but there is no reason to force an unnatural reconciliation. For example, a wife whose husband cheats on her and marries another woman may forgive him and let him know that. Doesn't mean she has to become best buds with the new wife.

So, the book had good and bad. Thought the reconciliation teaching went a bit far but I still found it a valuable read.

[Annie Allred · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really struggle with pinpointing exactly what was frustrating about this book. I realize this is probably personal preference, but I found the organization of the ideas presented to be poor in application. The swing from severe and crippling tragedy to small grievances was also a bit of a whiplash.

I also struggled with needing to assume the authors intent from several pieces of text. While he said one thing, and seemed to contradict previous arguments presented, there was a need to sort of assume his intent to make sense of it.

I think I maybe read this with an overly critical eye. As someone who’s been through many intense and painful experiences regarding varying levels of forgiveness (some reconciled and others not)… to speak on such an important topic needs to be excellent and perfectly executed - and there is no room for anything less. I would NOT have felt this way if the author was simply addressing what I would consider “every day” need forgiveness (even painful ones). But I did not feel it was adequate enough for the extreme examples he put in.

[Blessing Bloodworth (naptimereaders) · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you’re a believer who has walked with the Lord for awhile, this book will probably rightly challenge some preconceived beliefs you’ve held about forgiveness.
I myself was very skeptical in the beginning; but the Lord used this book to open my eyes to some ways I understood and acted out “forgiveness” that was actually unbiblical.
It presents a strong argument for what biblical forgiveness should looks like and how Christians can navigate challenges relational challenges through the use of Biblical principles.

[Breanna DesRuisseau · Rating 5 out of 5]

I encourage people to read it

[Becky Pliego · Rating 5 out of 5]

Biblical and practical. Highly recommended.

[Bambi Moore · Rating 5 out of 5]

Biblical, helpful, challenging, practical for those who have aches at what life has held for them (that would be everyone). Many questions answered such as the difference in therapeutic forgiveness (forgiveness is a "feeling", a "ceasing to feel resentment or bitterness") versus biblical forgiveness, should we "get to the bottom" of all disagreements (no), am I required to forgive the unrepentant (no), does that mean that I can hold a grudge or seek revenge (no), how to stop thinking about the offense or pain you have been caused, consequences of bitterness and more. So much good here and sprinkled throughout are heartbreaking, guy-wrenching contemporary stories of biblical forgiveness and reconciliation that have no explanation but the grace of God. The author is even able to write with some humor, but not so much that it dampens the sensitive topic. Highly recommend this.

[Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives an excellent examination of forgiveness with a Biblical definition. It is important to read because most definitions we might come up with do not actually line up with the Biblical view, even if you have grown up in the church. Having a more precise definition and living accordingly can not only help restore relationships but also restore hearts that are caught up in permanently broken ones.

I have only one warning to readers. If you have personally experienced trauma in your past, especially trauma related to children (yours, or yourself), be aware that reading this book may be difficult for you. The author understandably uses some very extreme offenses to illustrate how forgiveness operates (otherwise someone who has been truly offended might write his argument off as unrealistic). If you haven't had any serious trauma in your life, the stories are probably perfect to help you begin to feel just how hard it can be to forgive as well as how the Bible teaches you to forgive in those hard situations. For me, my emotions are already plenty raw from losing a baby (to illness) in 2015 and losing a father (to unresolved conflict) now in 2020, so I found myself having to outright skip reading some of the illustrations in order to stay composed. I don't think this is a flaw in the book - simply something to be aware of when going into it!

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Phenomenal book. The author has a good sense of humor, which is helpful when dealing with such a heavy topic. I found myself arguing with the author and having to talk things I read out with my husband. This book has discussion questions to help you better solidify your understanding of what you just read and many MANY examples on how to walk folks through forgiveness. I think this book is a needed tool in any Christian's library - both for ourselves and for the brothers and sisters we encounter.

[Abbie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I loved the chapter that discussed the difference between therapeutic and biblical forgiveness! I also appreciated the chapters explaining what God‘s forgiveness looks like, which in turn shows us how we need to forgive. However, I found the rest of the book to be not as helpful and rather circumlocutory.

[Shannon · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is weirdly controversial, in a way. Brauns posits that forgiveness, biblically defined, is conditional upon the repentance of the offender. He bases his definition on strict interpretation of how God is said to forgive, since we are to forgive just as God forgave us. Therefore he eschews the definition of forgiveness which would say that the offended party simply needs to stop being mad, with no view toward the actual relationship being restored. Brauns argues that fighting bitterness and willingness to forgive is non-negotiable for the Christian, but that the actual term "forgiveness" is always couched firmly within view of reconciliation between TWO parties. Insisting on this term is important for several reasons which he outlines in the book, but one major reason is theology: God doesn't decide to forgive people who are unrepentant and unreconciled to HIM. If we said He did, we would end up saying that there are forgiven people in Hell.

If I could pinpoint the difference between Brauns' book on forgiveness and Keller's Forgive, I would say that what Keller calls "forgiveness" Brauns would call "willingness to forgive." This may seem like just semantics, but Brauns would insist that to avoid theological errors, we need to call ONLY forgiveness-as-part-of-reconciliation "forgiveness."

Conditional forgiveness is NOT permission to stay mad because the other person hasn't repented. Conditional forgiveness DOES insist that the hard, messy work of reconciliation is something Christians must work toward.

I think I have a story from my own life that illustrates this. I have an estranged relationship with someone. When I came to her with fear and trembling two years ago to ask forgiveness for all the things I knew I had done to cause my part of the strain, she surprised me very much by saying, "Oh, I already forgave you for that long ago." I was confused at her statement because she still obviously did not like me or want to be around me any more than absolutely necessary. That's because, without realizing it, I had intuited that forgiveness brought with it some sort of relational component. She may have released her bitterness and anger toward me long ago (which I appreciate!), but since she had done nothing toward our relational reconciliation, Brauns would say that the term "forgiveness" should not have been used there.

This is my 30,000 foot view of the argument, which I finally understood during one summary paragraph in a later chapter. This was a COMPLETELY NEW CONCEPT to me, and it took me some time to really wrap my head around what Brauns was saying. And based on the skepticism which met me every time I tried to start describing Brauns' reasoning, I think it's a new concept for a lot of people. Though it took me a long time (in part because I'd never in my life heard anything like it before), ultimately I was convinced.

Brauns has a pastoral tone which I appreciated. Reading this book (and talking through it with a friend) also helped me realize that in one case, where I thought my problem was lack of forgiveness, my problem was actually bitterness. If the person in question ever came to me repentant, I would be so happy to forgive and restore the relationship! But because that is not happening nor is likely to happen, the battle lines had shifted from "willingness to forgive" to resisting bitterness, and I was failing miserably. I WAS bitter. Pinpointing this helped me take it to the Lord in more accurate and fruitful prayers.

[Alyssa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was one of those books I didn't know I needed to read, thanks to being a bookclub pick.

Like most of us who have grown up in church, I've always had a general understanding of forgiveness; that we must forgive as we've been forgiven, seventy times seven etc. It's textbook stuff for any Christian. But before reading this book, I admit I had never really thought about forgiveness in depth, particularly the scriptural truth that forgiveness is a conditional transaction that is exchanged between the offended person and the repentant person, rather than just something you resolve in your heart in order to move past pain and trauma. Now, if that statement raises any questions for you, do yourself a favor and grab this book!

Chris Brauns extensively "unpacks" every question you could probably think of around biblical forgiveness and shares story after inspiring story of real life people who have walked through some of the most tragic situations and have been able to forgive in the same beautiful way that Jesus demonstrated for each of us.

[Johanna · Rating 4 out of 5]

Overall really solid. I do hold a different persuasion of salvation than the author (he believes forgiveness/salvation is offered to all, and they have the responsibility to accept or decline whereas I hold to election). This prompted me to wonder: if his understanding of forgiveness is based on his understanding of salvation, does it still hold true if I don’t have the same perspective? Not necessarily a bad thing - just something I thought about while reading.

His chapters on “what if I won’t forgive” “bitterness” and “how to stop thinking about it” are very good.

Highly recommend.

[Lucas Nosal · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book on forgiveness. He answers all of the questions one has on the topic, and does so clearly and biblically. The one area I think he could have elaborated on is on civil justice still being permitted despite offering forgiveness. Eg. You can forgive the person who murdered you child, while at the same time believing as a matter of justice, the person has forfeited their life.

[Ellie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful, but it didn’t answer all of my questions. I wish he had more information on what to do when there is “forgiveness” but not reconciliation.

[Lucas Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful, would recommend.

[Esther · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend. I believe this is a must-read book for Christians.

The appendices are very helpful too.

[Brittany Schwind · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thorough, pastoral teaching on what true biblical forgiveness looks like. Highly recommend!

[Jessica Hard · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very pastoral and accessible approach to the subject. Helpful examples, kind and convicting.

[Linnea · Rating 5 out of 5]

The best Christian non fiction I've read. Actually Bible-centered, but also practical and readable. Applicable to all believers, regardless if you struggle with forgiveness.

[Breanna Suhoversnik · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is EXCELLENT. There is so much depth and Biblical wisdom about forgiveness and reconciliation. I have owned it for about 10 years, and I finally read it this month - and I'm so glad.

[Joel Carlson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Helpful from end to end. This book is not just a "how-to" for saying sorry. It dives much deeper in helping the reader fine-tune a theology of repentance and forgiveness. Very applicable to a wide variety of situations. Highly recommend.

[Sheri Ingersoll · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book. Read it!

[Courtney Elayne · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a powerful book! This book is a clear break on forgiveness, the steps to forgive, how to forgive, why to forgive. He shares scriptures, stories and in depth explanations within every chapter. Just when it seems his words were beginning to contradict each other that author shares MORE ANSWERS moving forward. This book is a convicting book.

Don’t get me wrong, even though the author did an amazing job clear cutting forgiveness it’s also understood the process forgiveness takes. It’s not as easy as words written on a page; however, your heart has to be open to be healed! This is the only book I’ve read on forgiveness and I can’t imagine any other book coming close to how great this book was on the topic.

Ps. This book is for the biblical and theology mature and the willing. You cannot be in your feelings when you read this book. Meaning, you can’t be in a position where your feelings take over your ability to accept information. Be open. Be prayerful and be accepting of biblical truth.

This has to be throughly read in order to capture the understanding of forgiveness.

[Shelby Bedell · Rating 4 out of 5]

Challenging, with lessons I hadn’t deeply considered until picking up this book. Would recommend to anyone who has had to forgive or be forgiven (everyone)!

“Whatever someone has done to offend us always pales in comparison to what we have done to offend God.”

Matthew 18:23-35