When I Grow Up, I Wanna Be Kenneth Tobey!: A Memoir in Essays

by Wesley R. Mullen

Mark Twain advised us that we should shake our brains once in a while, since they get all "caked up." So the author has brushed the cobwebs from his mind to take a closer look at his life, starting with his fascination with old movies and the role models they presented him. He muses on how he got staggeringly drunk during his first wedding; he grapples with the spectre of the OCD that has molded his life; and he tells how he met and married the love of his life, Connie. Life is a series of laughs and tears, and the author lays out his own life with an honesty that will make you pause and how much of this is you, as well?

Genres: Nonfiction

128 pages, Paperback

Published November 11, 2018

About the author

Born and raised in PA; went to Archmere Academy in Wilmington, DE, and Villanova University; worked in the fields of retail, finance and law before becoming an editor at TV Guide for 13 years; retired in FL with my wife, where I write essays, travel memoirs and a blog at my author website www.WesleyRMullen.com.

Reviews

[Allyson G · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were definitely parts of this book that I enjoyed. I liked the author's reflection on his life and how every piece (good and challenging) shaped him into the man he became.

However, while I knew this was a series of essays, it felt almost as if I was reading a diary. And not a particularly interesting one at that.

[LaShonda Felton · Rating 5 out of 5]

It's one of my favourite books.

[Readin'Guy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Interesting that, in this book, Mullen refers to Moby Dick as the "great Amerian novel," which goes a long way toward explaining his overwordy, overexaggerated, slogging style of writing. The book is part memoir, part rambling musings, part pompousity at attempting to show how erudite he is, and part half-ass travel guide to DC and Key West, and it's a confusing mix at best. We learn that Mullen considers himself suave and debonair from watching Ronald Coleman movies; that his influences in life range from his first woman boss to Marcus Aurelius to -- I kid you not -- Godzilla; that he and some buddies got hustled at a bar in Spain and it shamed him for weeks; that he got blind drunk at his first wedding on ONE cup of wine; while his bride and groomsmen stared "slack-jawed in horror;" that he tracked down and married his "high school sweetie" (who he also claims he never dated), something he feels the need to mention 4 separate times; that a single restaurant in DC that serves gargantuan portions of food automatically represents every other restaurant in the area; asks you to believe he couldn't get a regular grilled-cheese sandwich in all of DC (and while eating said non-regular sandwich, he "gazes jealously" at his wife's tuna dish) ; and somehow turns a meal of fish, cole slaw, and fries into a gourmet feast. Of course the concept of simply asking the server to eliminate the pesto coating on his sandwich didn't seem to occur; but then he wouldn't have been able to envy his wife's lunch.

An while bullying is never to be condoned, Mullen feels the need to repeatedly note that he was bullied as a kid.

There's also the trademark Mullen bad-writing habit of never using the same word twice and unnecessarily stating the obvious. Thus thanks to some oral surgery, he couldn't "shave his face" (as opposed to anywhere else in that context) for a month, and discovered his brown beard (sorry; "luxuriant growth") had turned grey in 20+ years before he could resume "facial grooming." The Hope Diamond becomes a "glittering item" because of course one cannot call it a gem twice, and heaven forbid one simply refers to it as "it," which would have correctly fit the context. In another, he and his wife don't explore an old fort; they "scamper around the building." One envisions the two of them wearing bunny suits. There are countless other examples.

In all, the book is very marginally interesting, but, frankly, only if you can get it for $2 or less.

One more thing, offered as advice....for some reason, the author believes that his purple porkpie hat, which he also takes special care to mention more than once, lends him an air of sophistication and coolness, and in no way looks dweebish. Uh...sorry to be the one to tell ya, Wes, but it's dorky as hell. Stick with a fedora or Panama...there's a reason they're both timeless classics.

[Eric · Rating 4 out of 5]

Received as a Goodreads Giveaway. Apologies for the (extremely) belated review; this was really very enjoyable and made for good night-time reading during a(n in-retrospect) much-missed vacation with family about two years ago.