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Skirting Gender: Life and Lessons of a Cross Dresser
What is a cross dresser? What is genderfluid? How does one come to the conclusion that they are either of these? These questions and more are laid out as Vera Wylde details her life of gender non-conformity and the lessons she's learned along the way. Full of personal stories and practical advice, this book is a guide for those questioning for themselves, wishing to understand a loved one, or simply sate their own curiosity.
244 pages, Paperback
Published September 5, 2018
About the author
Vera Wylde
2 books18 followersVera Wylde is the performing and pen name of Nathaniel Wayne: a genderfluid burlesque performer, YouTuber, parent, and author living in Vermont.
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
November 14, 2018
One of my favorite things about being a book reviewer is that I get to meet so many interesting people, hear their stories, and make a connection. It does not happen with every book, but it is wonderful when it does - as it most certainly did with Skirting Gender: Life and Lessons of a Cross Dresser.
The voice of Vera Wylde captured me from the first page. The more she talked about her life, her identity, and her expression, the more I felt like I knew her, and wanted to know her better. She is one of those new acquaintances I would dearly love to sit down, have dinner with, and talk gender, crossdressing, parenthood, performance and all things geek.
Skirting Gender is one of the most positive, life-affirming explorations of crossdressing and gender-fluidity I have ever read. There is no shame, embarrassment, or guilt. There is no talk of regrets, purging, or gender confusion. Vera is a person comfortable in two genders, someone with twin roles to play, twin personas to explore, who is equally comfortable in both.
What I love about her story is that crossdressing is just a part of who she is, a manner in which she interacts with the world. It is not a stepping stone or a mid-point on some larger journey of transsexuality. There is no sexual aspect to it, no exploration of fetishes or submissive role-playing. It does not have its roots in any sort of abuse, childhood trauma, or humiliation. Crossdressing is simply a welcome, comfortable part of who she is, and that example of self-acceptance and personal identity is one that is sorely missing from such stories. Vera stands tall as an example of what life could be like for a crossdresser in a world without judgment or labels.
That is not to say there is no element of self-reflection to Vera's tale. She does look back on childhood games of dress-up, a homophobic stepfather, and the challenge of buying women's underwear in a small town. She shares alternately touching and humorous stories of her life, including the relief of coming out to her girlfriend, and the anxiety of dressing in public for the first time. She shares those memories, but the question of 'why?' that plagues so many of us has no role in her story, and casts no shadow on her happiness. To touch on the performance aspect, her experiences with drag and burlesque are absolutely fascinating, two very different worlds that she explored for different reasons, finding something unique in each. It may seem odd that is the burlesque community with which she feels most comfortable, despite there being nothing sexual in her crossdressing, but that is part of what is so enlightening about her story.
Along with that biographical aspect, Skirting Gender also has a fantastic section dedicated to Practical Advice, in which Vera shares tips on everything from outfit selection to eyebrow shaping, and another on the Philosophical Aspects of crossdressing, which is perhaps the most intriguing. She talks of how and when to come out to your children, pointing out the "simple fundamental hypocrisy" of telling your kids to be themselves, while hiding your own truths. That really struck a chord, and I loved how she talked of normalizing it, of letting her daughter watch the process, making it clear that Vera is still daddy.
She also shares a wonderful "life-changing" celebrity encounter with Tim Curry, which was the first time he shared her birth-name with someone while presenting as feminine or gender fluid. She talks of no longer feeling "the rigid separation of a name" and of how the two aspects of her life "snapped together" allowing her to "feel a sense of joy and pride" in herself, not "as a persona or a performer or a model." It is after that, catching us up to the present, that she talks of allowing the dividing wall between masculine and feminine to fall into disrepair, and even getting a testosterone blocker prescribed to get her "default setting to be something close to a proper neutral" and make the effort to be decidedly masculine or feminine an equal effort. Rather than come across as a betrayal of her identity as a crossdresser, it feels more like the final step in self-acceptance, embracing Vera as fully half of herself, and not just a costume or a performance role.
With this being #TransAwarenessWeek, Vera could not possibly have come to me at a better time with Skirting Gender: Life and Lessons of a Cross Dresser. I fully intend to pick up a copy of the paperback and add it to my lending library of titles I use to help friends and family understand who we truly are inside.
https://bibrary.blogspot.com/2018/11/...
The voice of Vera Wylde captured me from the first page. The more she talked about her life, her identity, and her expression, the more I felt like I knew her, and wanted to know her better. She is one of those new acquaintances I would dearly love to sit down, have dinner with, and talk gender, crossdressing, parenthood, performance and all things geek.
Skirting Gender is one of the most positive, life-affirming explorations of crossdressing and gender-fluidity I have ever read. There is no shame, embarrassment, or guilt. There is no talk of regrets, purging, or gender confusion. Vera is a person comfortable in two genders, someone with twin roles to play, twin personas to explore, who is equally comfortable in both.
What I love about her story is that crossdressing is just a part of who she is, a manner in which she interacts with the world. It is not a stepping stone or a mid-point on some larger journey of transsexuality. There is no sexual aspect to it, no exploration of fetishes or submissive role-playing. It does not have its roots in any sort of abuse, childhood trauma, or humiliation. Crossdressing is simply a welcome, comfortable part of who she is, and that example of self-acceptance and personal identity is one that is sorely missing from such stories. Vera stands tall as an example of what life could be like for a crossdresser in a world without judgment or labels.
That is not to say there is no element of self-reflection to Vera's tale. She does look back on childhood games of dress-up, a homophobic stepfather, and the challenge of buying women's underwear in a small town. She shares alternately touching and humorous stories of her life, including the relief of coming out to her girlfriend, and the anxiety of dressing in public for the first time. She shares those memories, but the question of 'why?' that plagues so many of us has no role in her story, and casts no shadow on her happiness. To touch on the performance aspect, her experiences with drag and burlesque are absolutely fascinating, two very different worlds that she explored for different reasons, finding something unique in each. It may seem odd that is the burlesque community with which she feels most comfortable, despite there being nothing sexual in her crossdressing, but that is part of what is so enlightening about her story.
Along with that biographical aspect, Skirting Gender also has a fantastic section dedicated to Practical Advice, in which Vera shares tips on everything from outfit selection to eyebrow shaping, and another on the Philosophical Aspects of crossdressing, which is perhaps the most intriguing. She talks of how and when to come out to your children, pointing out the "simple fundamental hypocrisy" of telling your kids to be themselves, while hiding your own truths. That really struck a chord, and I loved how she talked of normalizing it, of letting her daughter watch the process, making it clear that Vera is still daddy.
She also shares a wonderful "life-changing" celebrity encounter with Tim Curry, which was the first time he shared her birth-name with someone while presenting as feminine or gender fluid. She talks of no longer feeling "the rigid separation of a name" and of how the two aspects of her life "snapped together" allowing her to "feel a sense of joy and pride" in herself, not "as a persona or a performer or a model." It is after that, catching us up to the present, that she talks of allowing the dividing wall between masculine and feminine to fall into disrepair, and even getting a testosterone blocker prescribed to get her "default setting to be something close to a proper neutral" and make the effort to be decidedly masculine or feminine an equal effort. Rather than come across as a betrayal of her identity as a crossdresser, it feels more like the final step in self-acceptance, embracing Vera as fully half of herself, and not just a costume or a performance role.
With this being #TransAwarenessWeek, Vera could not possibly have come to me at a better time with Skirting Gender: Life and Lessons of a Cross Dresser. I fully intend to pick up a copy of the paperback and add it to my lending library of titles I use to help friends and family understand who we truly are inside.
https://bibrary.blogspot.com/2018/11/...
September 28, 2018
First I would like to say that there were numerous typos, but I'm going to overlook that because this isn't a book written by someone that had the backing of a huge editing team or publisher or anything like that. It was self published, and frankly, the typos weren't terribly distracting. Having said that, let's move on. Also, I'll be referring to the author as Vera, because that's the persona, I guess, that wrote it and published it, and I'll be using feminine pronouns when needed.
I heard about this book through one of Nathaniel's videos and I ordered it literally as soon as it was announced. I paused the video to order this book. I got the book a few days later and I have been reading it since. It's so hard to put down because I love hearing about other people's stories. A large part of why I was so intrigued is because I am gender-fluid, and I love learning more about how other people experience it. The first time I saw Nathaniel take his cap off I was literally mind blown like "holy cow I identify with this."
This book covers so many topics, a lot of which I don't really have any experience with because I'm a biosex female, so I don't have to "tuck" or contour to appear more feminine. But there's also a lot in this book that I can identify with, especially when it comes to Vera talking about exploring her gender expression. There's a nifty section of the book that gives definitions for different terms used in the book, which I found helpful, even though I already had a pretty good idea what most of the terms meant.
The part of the book that I found the most interesting, personally, was the section on personal experiences, because as I've said, I find people's stories to be vastly interesting. The section that went over some philosophical aspects of cross dressing was also very intriguing, and while I did enjoy the section about practical advice for how to cross dress, it obviously didn't have a lot that I could identify with, which is totally fine and didn't take away from my enjoyment of it.
If I'm being completely honest here, I'm biased. That's it. I am gender fluid and I really don't get a lot of representation anywhere, but here I have a book that was written by a gender fluid person, where she talks about her experiences and practical advice and philosophical aspects and it's something that I'm just really happy exists. I love this book, and it's one of my favorites that I own simply because of what it is.
I heard about this book through one of Nathaniel's videos and I ordered it literally as soon as it was announced. I paused the video to order this book. I got the book a few days later and I have been reading it since. It's so hard to put down because I love hearing about other people's stories. A large part of why I was so intrigued is because I am gender-fluid, and I love learning more about how other people experience it. The first time I saw Nathaniel take his cap off I was literally mind blown like "holy cow I identify with this."
This book covers so many topics, a lot of which I don't really have any experience with because I'm a biosex female, so I don't have to "tuck" or contour to appear more feminine. But there's also a lot in this book that I can identify with, especially when it comes to Vera talking about exploring her gender expression. There's a nifty section of the book that gives definitions for different terms used in the book, which I found helpful, even though I already had a pretty good idea what most of the terms meant.
The part of the book that I found the most interesting, personally, was the section on personal experiences, because as I've said, I find people's stories to be vastly interesting. The section that went over some philosophical aspects of cross dressing was also very intriguing, and while I did enjoy the section about practical advice for how to cross dress, it obviously didn't have a lot that I could identify with, which is totally fine and didn't take away from my enjoyment of it.
If I'm being completely honest here, I'm biased. That's it. I am gender fluid and I really don't get a lot of representation anywhere, but here I have a book that was written by a gender fluid person, where she talks about her experiences and practical advice and philosophical aspects and it's something that I'm just really happy exists. I love this book, and it's one of my favorites that I own simply because of what it is.
December 7, 2018
I don't like to criticise if I can avoid it, especially indie books and especially when I like the author as a person (which is part of why I put off writing this review for so long after finishing this). That said I must be honest on my thoughts and feelings both positive and negative. My rating reflects how harsh I am with ratings, for me three stars I liked it but it didn't amaze me. Make of that what you will but I did not regret reading this.
I'll start with the positives. I loved reading about Vera's journey with cross-dressing, and her experiences as a cross-dressing parent. I learnt more about make-up and presenting feminine from this book than I did from living as woman for 19 years so I'd definitely recommend it to people for the practical advice. I was also very impressed with how well the advice was presented, it kept me engaged despite not being something that appealed to me or was relevant to me.
This book also very much changed my views on the inclusion of cross-dressers in the LGBTQ+ community. I never really considered them before and this really helped me to understand the situation better.
That said I found myself quite uncomfortable at times with the way Vera sometimes discussed trans issues. I realise she is trans herself but the way she discussed binary trans people, and excluded non-binary people especially transitioning non-binary folk, did rub me the wrong way and I found myself getting rather frustrated with this by the end. This wasn't helped by the suggestion that, known transphobe, RuPaul could be considered trans rep in the media.
I also found the structure of this book a little odd, and hard to get through at times. The actually writing was above average for an amateur autobiographical piece but I found the repeated use to notes in brackets saying Vera would come back to something later annoying and unnecessary.
All that said I would recommend this book if you're looking to diversify your reading list, especially for other LGBTQ+ people who are interested in knowing more about the cross-dressing communities or people who are otherwise interested in cross-dressing.
Content warnings: transphobic language, discussions of transphobia, homophobia and queerphobia
I'll start with the positives. I loved reading about Vera's journey with cross-dressing, and her experiences as a cross-dressing parent. I learnt more about make-up and presenting feminine from this book than I did from living as woman for 19 years so I'd definitely recommend it to people for the practical advice. I was also very impressed with how well the advice was presented, it kept me engaged despite not being something that appealed to me or was relevant to me.
This book also very much changed my views on the inclusion of cross-dressers in the LGBTQ+ community. I never really considered them before and this really helped me to understand the situation better.
That said I found myself quite uncomfortable at times with the way Vera sometimes discussed trans issues. I realise she is trans herself but the way she discussed binary trans people, and excluded non-binary people especially transitioning non-binary folk, did rub me the wrong way and I found myself getting rather frustrated with this by the end. This wasn't helped by the suggestion that, known transphobe, RuPaul could be considered trans rep in the media.
I also found the structure of this book a little odd, and hard to get through at times. The actually writing was above average for an amateur autobiographical piece but I found the repeated use to notes in brackets saying Vera would come back to something later annoying and unnecessary.
All that said I would recommend this book if you're looking to diversify your reading list, especially for other LGBTQ+ people who are interested in knowing more about the cross-dressing communities or people who are otherwise interested in cross-dressing.
Content warnings: transphobic language, discussions of transphobia, homophobia and queerphobia
January 27, 2019
Gender-fluid the "Queer" on the LGBTQ+
I read this book in the hopes of understanding what Gender-fluid is. I am a fan of Nathaniel's "Counsel of Geeks" YouTube page and heard him mention the term: Gender-fluid. It's All about support peeps. A good read.
I read this book in the hopes of understanding what Gender-fluid is. I am a fan of Nathaniel's "Counsel of Geeks" YouTube page and heard him mention the term: Gender-fluid. It's All about support peeps. A good read.
October 31, 2020
Full disclosure, I know this author from their YouTube channels. I've followed them for years. So when the characters I wanted to explore in my writing edged in this territory, I downloaded the book.
First, it was a very fast read. I read it in maybe a couple days during a time when I was struggling with novels (This is a war that continues to drag on. For the record.). Vera's life and slow discovery of their gender fluid nature and how that played out through adulthood was fast-paced and studded with interesting anecdotes.
But that's all it was. Anecdotes which only prompted questions it studiously avoided answering. Memoirists do not have the luxury of truth that novelists do, for the simple reason that everyone written about can read the finished book. The biggest goal in the writing process is not to tell a story as honestly as it happened, to allow the reader to experience what happened with you. Rather, to explain events in such a way where everyone in your life is still talking to you afterwards. Which is at odds with raw, authentic truth. And to discover that truth is one of the more compelling reasons I read, and why I've come to avoid memoirs.
Here, you could see a spine of truth poking up from time to time. A sentence or two that hinted at further depths in an incident described, hung instead with an "off limits" sign. I found myself excluded to a degree you never should feel in a book with a narrative. And frustrated. And, since I'm on the subject of frustration, the assumption that women don't typically have hair on their legs beneath the knee was not only perplexing but ridiculous. I know they had women beta readers for this, did no one say anything?
However. Why Vera wrote the book and went to the trouble to get it published is valid, and I am very much not the target audience. Gender fluid is not an easy thing to be. Even in the LGBTQIA community, those around you always want to put you in a neat category. One of the most eye opening incidents was their rejection in the New York drag scene, as a man who didn't identify as gay. Vera felt it necessary to record their own experiences and ongoing process in discovering their sexual identity to help others like them, especially those who don't fit neatly into the binary boxes of man or woman; gay or straight.
That succeeded.
First, it was a very fast read. I read it in maybe a couple days during a time when I was struggling with novels (This is a war that continues to drag on. For the record.). Vera's life and slow discovery of their gender fluid nature and how that played out through adulthood was fast-paced and studded with interesting anecdotes.
But that's all it was. Anecdotes which only prompted questions it studiously avoided answering. Memoirists do not have the luxury of truth that novelists do, for the simple reason that everyone written about can read the finished book. The biggest goal in the writing process is not to tell a story as honestly as it happened, to allow the reader to experience what happened with you. Rather, to explain events in such a way where everyone in your life is still talking to you afterwards. Which is at odds with raw, authentic truth. And to discover that truth is one of the more compelling reasons I read, and why I've come to avoid memoirs.
Here, you could see a spine of truth poking up from time to time. A sentence or two that hinted at further depths in an incident described, hung instead with an "off limits" sign. I found myself excluded to a degree you never should feel in a book with a narrative. And frustrated. And, since I'm on the subject of frustration, the assumption that women don't typically have hair on their legs beneath the knee was not only perplexing but ridiculous. I know they had women beta readers for this, did no one say anything?
However. Why Vera wrote the book and went to the trouble to get it published is valid, and I am very much not the target audience. Gender fluid is not an easy thing to be. Even in the LGBTQIA community, those around you always want to put you in a neat category. One of the most eye opening incidents was their rejection in the New York drag scene, as a man who didn't identify as gay. Vera felt it necessary to record their own experiences and ongoing process in discovering their sexual identity to help others like them, especially those who don't fit neatly into the binary boxes of man or woman; gay or straight.
That succeeded.
November 21, 2024
I have to admit up front, I came to this book looking for something that probably was never there to begin with.
After stumbling across the Council of Geeks Youtube channel and seeing a plug for Vera's book, I was instantly intrigued. Granted, at the time (in the specific video?) she identified as a genderfluid cross dresser, and I believe that may have changed. As a trans woman, a cross dresser's memoir isn't exactly material I can connect to, but I had been hoping for a deep discussion of her genderfluidity, because I've been struggling to identify whether or not that label applies to me.
Well, she didn't really go into it like I'd wanted. The opening chapters, where she talks about her early life and time spent in drag clubs in Boston and New York, was riveting, but by the time I noticed I was halfway through a section about makeup tips, I had to accept that this was more manual than memoir. (I did at least learn one new makeup tip!)
And unfortunately, I found the rest of it a bit hard to read for personal reasons. Frankly, I'm jealous she seemed so able to figure herself out over the course of her life. It wasn't easy, it wasn't immediate, but it also didn't take forty goddamn years for her to even have an inkling that she might not in fact be a cisgender, heterosexual male.
So for my purposes, this was lacking, but I would absolutely recommend it to anyone looking to cross-dress or even just play with their own gender.
After stumbling across the Council of Geeks Youtube channel and seeing a plug for Vera's book, I was instantly intrigued. Granted, at the time (in the specific video?) she identified as a genderfluid cross dresser, and I believe that may have changed. As a trans woman, a cross dresser's memoir isn't exactly material I can connect to, but I had been hoping for a deep discussion of her genderfluidity, because I've been struggling to identify whether or not that label applies to me.
Well, she didn't really go into it like I'd wanted. The opening chapters, where she talks about her early life and time spent in drag clubs in Boston and New York, was riveting, but by the time I noticed I was halfway through a section about makeup tips, I had to accept that this was more manual than memoir. (I did at least learn one new makeup tip!)
And unfortunately, I found the rest of it a bit hard to read for personal reasons. Frankly, I'm jealous she seemed so able to figure herself out over the course of her life. It wasn't easy, it wasn't immediate, but it also didn't take forty goddamn years for her to even have an inkling that she might not in fact be a cisgender, heterosexual male.
So for my purposes, this was lacking, but I would absolutely recommend it to anyone looking to cross-dress or even just play with their own gender.
April 5, 2019
3.5 stars. I tend not to read self-published work, but the author kindly listed this one for free as part of their birthday celebrations, so as a fan of the Council of Geeks Youtube channel I couldn't resist.
Vera identifies as genderfluid, which is a neglected part of the LBGTQ+ spectrum that I don't know a great deal about. This book does great work to dispel some myths, such as 'all crossdressers are gay' or 'crossdressing is all about sexual gratification for the dresser' etc. I really loved learning about this aspect of gender through the lens of someone who has lived it.
I found the memoir really engaging for the most part, but I do wish it had gone through another really thorough edit. There are still typos in here and I think it could do with some structural work. I did find the inclusion of RuPaul as a representative of trans people in the media incredibly ill judged, since Rupaul has offended that community with his comments. I do hope that with another edit and an update that a publisher could pick this up as there's so little work out there on genderfluidity.
Vera identifies as genderfluid, which is a neglected part of the LBGTQ+ spectrum that I don't know a great deal about. This book does great work to dispel some myths, such as 'all crossdressers are gay' or 'crossdressing is all about sexual gratification for the dresser' etc. I really loved learning about this aspect of gender through the lens of someone who has lived it.
I found the memoir really engaging for the most part, but I do wish it had gone through another really thorough edit. There are still typos in here and I think it could do with some structural work. I did find the inclusion of RuPaul as a representative of trans people in the media incredibly ill judged, since Rupaul has offended that community with his comments. I do hope that with another edit and an update that a publisher could pick this up as there's so little work out there on genderfluidity.
July 8, 2024
This is a very readable book. The beginning and the end were interesting to me though I felt a bit bogged down in the middle (probably because I am not a dresser and not the intended audience).
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