I Just Haven't Met You Yet: Finding Empowerment in Dating, Love, and Life

by Tracy Strauss

Bridget Jones’s Diary meets Eat, Pray, Love. One of Bustle ’s “Writers to Watch” offers advice, life Lessons, and lots of heart. As featured by New York Magazine!

I Just Haven’t Met You Yet is a modern-day journey of the heart. Forty-something author Tracy Strauss offers her journey to dismantle the effects and stigmas of an abusive past, break free of destructive relationship patterns, and ultimately conquer her fear of truly being seen by the world, flaws and all.

She shares the transformative lessons she learned and self-empowerment she achieved while passing each hurdle along the way to finding the love of her life. Topics

Tracy helps readers empower themselves by taking a challenging look at the ways the negative events of their lives, including sexual harassment and abuse, have shaped their self-perception and created obstacles to personal success, and how readers can change that troubled self-image along with their (love) lives.

This is a story about taking big risks, changing old habits and beliefs about dating, and speaking back to the naysayers, especially that internal critic, the inner love saboteur. It is a prime mover and the only epistolary memoir cum dating/relationship essay book of its kind.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir

288 pages, Hardcover

Published May 7, 2019

About the author

Named by Bustle as one of eight women writers with advice to follow, Tracy Strauss is former Essays Editor of The Rumpus and winner of the Barbara Deming Memorial Fund Award for Nonfiction. She has appeared on television in her role as a relationship blogger for The Huffington Post. Contributor to Glamour's sex and relationships column, her debut #MeToo-themed self-help/relationships cum memoir, I Just Haven't Met You Yet, is a modern-day Bridget Jones's Diary-meets-Eat, Pray, Love. A book years in the making, I Just Haven't Met You Yet cinched a publishing deal after the author's Publishers Weekly Soapbox essay aired (later reprinted in Ms.) about the cowardice of publishers to take on this unflinching, all-too-real story.

Reviews

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm so conflicted about this book. It's well written, but I struggled to find the narrator sympathetic. That sounds horrible given what the book is about, but I couldn't get past the fact that she criticizes and puts down almost everybody she comes in contact with. This book is a series of vague implications and snarky inner monologues, both of which are delivered without an iota of self-awareness. She has something mean-spirited to say about nearly everyone that crosses her path. Anybody that disagrees with her is banished from her life.

The author needs to step outside the echo chamber in which she exists and have her flimsily constructed narratives challenged.

[Nancy Howell · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a must-read for anyone who's been single for a long time and/or anyone who has overcome or is in the process of overcoming an abusive childhood. Tracy writes with raw honesty as well as humor. You will enjoy joining her on her journey of self discovery and empowerment. A hopeful story of living with PTSD, learning to forgive a parent, and looking for a love that doesn't complete but complement.

[K Gilbert · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this terrific book, author Tracy Strauss deals forthrightly with both her childhood sexual abuse and the severe PTSD that resulted from it. Strauss eloquently details her gradually deepening understanding of her past, as well as her sometimes-unsuccessful efforts to put it behind her in the search for meaningful personal relationships. She never pulls her punches in describing how painful the journey has been, but the account is leavened by Strauss's compassion towards herself and others -- not to mention her hilarious eye for the ridiculous. Always honest, never self-pitying, and generous with insights that apply to us all, no matter what our circumstances, this is a real gem. Strongly recommended!

[Janet Buttenwieser · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured Tracy Strauss' book I JUST HAVEN'T MET YOU YET. Everything about this book glimmers - the literary quality, the story, the format. Each chapter begins with a letter to Strauss' future life partner, but any reader will feel like she's confiding in us, her trusted friends. Strauss' personal journey is harrowing, at times heartbreaking, but also full of hope. Strauss should teach a master class in how to overcome obstacles; it's incredible how many she's had in her life. But she emerges triumphant, and renders her story so beautifully I hung on her every word. Highly recommended.

[Alyssa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book—which is a memoir, not self-help—made me understand things about how my own mind worked as a child that I had never been able to articulate or fully understand. Seeing the pain of her youth hauntingly reflect my own was both heartbreaking and cathartic.
I shared her fears and related to some of her experiences. It was an emotionally difficult journey, but ended with hope.

This is a heavy memoir about childhood sexual abuse and the lasting impacts it has on your love life, so tread cautiously. I don’t think the title/cover/tagline accurately advertise the real content.

[Lenny Tropiano · Rating 5 out of 5]

You won't want to put this book down once you start reading. Tracy's highly emotive book on overcoming PTSD and abuse, and her struggles with dating and finding love will bring strong feelings while you're immersed in the pages that follow. Her unique writing style of letters to her future life partner and narrative to follow will draw you in, and you'll be rooting for her successes at each turn. I highly recommend his book, and look forward to future publishings from Tracy to come.

[Scott Alessandro · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was an amazing read. First, the author (Tracy Strauss) is amazing at her craft. She draws in the reader by writing with confidence and care for the reader's experience. I love how each chapter is dedicated to a different "lesson" and the vignette she shares at the beginning of each chapter sets up the rest of the section making you want to read and learn more. This book can be read from cover to cover and then picked up again and reread from any point. It is the rare book that works as both a complete book and as a series of essays. Tracy Strauss empowers her readers to be vulnerable and to be courageous by sharing those qualities of herself. This is the proverbial "make you laugh, make you cry" book, and will also give you the strength to continuing to follow your path - whether that path be finding a life partner and/or finding your best way to live in the right now. I am on my second reading and already looking forward to my third!

[Kara · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a beautiful depiction of survival after tragedy; the epitome of inspiration! For anyone who has struggled through a difficult childhood or family situation. Follow Strauss throughout her life from abuse to freedom; from powerlessness to strength and confidence. I couldn't put it down.

[Naomi Kuhns · Rating 5 out of 5]

An amazing book about courage and overcoming a childhood of emotional and sexual abuse. Tracy Strauss take you to a time in her childhood where she had no voice.

I Just Haven’t Met You Yet is so fascinating, You follow her as she navigates the world of online dating. Some men that you won’t believe. You laugh and you will shake your head, yet she never gives up.

She is an authentic woman and writer.

[Gina Bednarz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Strauss's book is gift. Heartwarming and heartbreaking, it looks with courage and unwavering honesty at the effects of the aftermath of an abusive childhood. Unlike most other memoirs out there, it looks outward rather than inward. Even in the darkest portions, there is still a pervasive feeling of hope and triumph. "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" is a story of the power of the human spirit to triumph in the face of one of the worst betrayals a human being can face. The letters to Strauss's future life partner, accompanied by her wit, humor, and candor, make this a must-read book for any reader, particularly those who have suffered emotional or physical trauma and are hoping for the ability to feel normal again. This memoir isn't just about the author. It's about how we, as human beings, survive the unsurvivable. Buy this book, have your tissues handy, and take this journey with her. You'll cheer her on the whole way and find hope for your own struggles along the way.

[Tara Sroka · Rating 5 out of 5]

I applaud Tracy for standing tall and sharing her story. I couldn’t put this book down and when I did I kept thinking about its raw honestly and courage. Well done!

[May · Rating 5 out of 5]

I couldn't put this gripping, searing, and often humorous blend of memoir/epistolary/self-empowerment book down! Strauss's voice is so movingly direct and powerful that I was instantly sucked into her journey and prepared to follow her lyrical voice anywhere! I wept, I laughed out loud, and I cheered alongside her on every page! This book earns the "Bridget Jones Diary meets Eat, Pray, Love" comparison in spades!

[Emily St. Amant · Rating 4 out of 5]

An unflinching account of childhood sexual abuse and it’s aftermath. Don’t be fooled by the title this is about so much more than dating. I’ll be processing this one a while.

[David · Rating 2 out of 5]

mainly my fault for grabbing it off the shelf at library without doing enough skimming to get a better feel for it. I was so pleased with myself for overcoming my "no Michael Buble" policy [if you've managed to avoid so far, one of his biggest croon-y hits is the source of the first part of the title], which is usually enforced with the same rigor I brought to the No Lionel Richie policy in car radio of the 1980's, that I failed to focus on actual nature of the book.

In particular, despite the "25+ life-changing love lessons" promised on the cover, it's not a general-purpose guide dating and relationships but rather a memoir primarily concerning the author's survival of childhood sexual abuse by her father, coupled with extreme sex-negative messages from her mother.

Occasionally funny, but at times there seemed in my reading a lack of self-awareness. If you have to have a chapter about how you're not a "cat lady", and you've already talked a lot about your cat as a major character in your life, you might actually be a bit of a cat lady, for instance.

Very impressive persistence in trying to overcome her fears, PTSD, body image issues, and more. She spies on a Zumba class for a year before being willing to join.....but ends up a Zumba instructor.

A few good dating horror stories [e.g., the guy she met online who went on about how he's only "technically married" while perseveratively asking if after dinner she might be interested in sleeping with him] but mostly a really sad story about how her childhood experiences had made it overwhelmingly difficult for her to go out with men, let alone consider sexual intimacy.

She depicts herself as introverted -- if accurate, then it's especially impressive that she ended up going on a TV show to talk about her dating struggles, get a makeover, get coached in walking with swag, etc., on basis of a Huffington Post piece she'd published.

Didn't love the structure of starting chapters with a letter to hypothetical future partner. A little stilted and didn't really add much. Sort of "I wonder if you will have had any experiences like.....or will understand what it was like for me to...." and then tells the pertinent story.

All told, I don't think it's a terrible book. You might well like it. Just wasn't what i had in mind or wanted to learn more about.

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is kind of half about surviving childhood trauma and living with PTSD and half about perservering in trying to find love despite a lack of success. Thankfully, I've never experienced anything like the kind of trauma Tracy has lived through (chronic sexual abuse by her father), but trying unsuccessfully for years and years to find the love of my life in Boston? Yeah, THAT I can majorly relate to. I've read other books by women about being single long-term and not having any serious relationships, but this is one of the only ones I've read that touches on some awful truths I've encountered in my own life. Like that it is REALLY expensive to live by yourself in a city like Boston if you're single, which makes having a kid on your own out of the question. Or that as you get older, the remaining single dudes tend to be ones who have really serious flaws. But I like the optimistic tone that this book strikes- after going through some intense therapy to process her trauma, all without the support of a loving spouse that happily married people take for granted, she still hasn't given up on finding love, and that's an attitude I try (though often struggle) to have myself.

[Marilyn Sue Michel · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a sad story about the heavy sexual abuse of the author by her father, from age 4 to sixth grade. Her mother ignored any signs of abuse and simply accepted the fact that her husband spent numerous hours in bed with their daughter, on a daily basis. Her older brother suspected something was wrong, but was powerless to help.

I have a theory that people who suffered childhood trauma, especially sexual trauma, find each other but repress their memories and never discuss the trauma, wreaking havoc on their children. My parents did that and I believe Strauss' parents also suffered serious damage before meeting each other.

The subtitle is misleading. This is one person's story, not a dating plan. Strauss has had many years of therapy, and continues to look for that life partner. Disclaimer: I stopped dating eight years ago when my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, and I never regained interest. I have never been married.

[Adolfo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Questo libro racconta il percorso di guarigione dell'autore dal trauma subito durante la sua giovinezza.

C'è voluto un po' di tempo, ma ho finito per sentirmi investito nella storia dell'autore.

Per una storia intitolata "i Just haven't met you yet" mi aspettavo più equilibrio tra il tema del superamento del trauma, e quello della ricerca dell'amore. Direi, invece, che il tema del dating è trattato occasionalmente, e piuttosto attraverso la lente della guarigione dal trauma, che è il vero nucleo del libro.

Per quanto interessante nel complesso, la lettura è a volte un po' pesante.

Non ricordo più come il libro sia finito nella mia lista di raccomandazioni, lo potrei consigliare a chi ha vissuto un duro trauma, che in qualche modo influenza la propria vita sentimentale... ma non necessariamente a chi cerca un libro sul tema del dating e dell'empowerment, come il titolo lascia supporre.

[Jodi Geever · Rating 2 out of 5]

Read for Philosophy Cafe February 2020. This book did not impress me. It defies easy genre classification--being part self-help, part memoir of the author and part workbook. The memoir piece composes most of the narrative, and the author's story of struggling to find and accept love is long, drawn out and somewhat depressing, and not really on topic. The elements of the book that are the author's own experiences seem to be included as a therapeutic exercise for her. The take away from this aspect seems to be if the author can find love anyone can.

The love lessons are somewhat helpful and are the best part of the book but given that it is so newly published I expect more than simple hetero normative gender role play dialogues.

There is something of value here, but not as much as I expected, and I really had to sift through the bulk of the book to find it.

[Iroquois · Rating 5 out of 5]

Whoa. This book was sooo not what I was expecting. I picked it up with a group of others, all about dating and relationships, and all basically with cute little real-life love stories and meet-cutes tucked inside, to inspire readers to continue in the slog that is dating. But this one was not that.

Instead it’s a very intense but interesting story of one woman’s recovery from trauma and abuse, and how to get healing and then apply it in real life dating. She, like many women, wants nothing more than to finally meet her one, her person to share life and build a family with, but is still looking. And as she heals she actually starts to realize she is loving herself and more ok than when she first began her journey. She bravely shares details and experiences with us as readers that help to understand how therapy and self work can really heal and change life if you are in need.

[Brian Wasserman · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really interesting book. I liked that it was about her learning to believe in herself, instead of fear-based dating rules. I also liked that she asked out men she wanted to date, but didn't push for what she wanted to happen, and she never said that anything was something men should do in a relationship or women should do in a relationship.

And there was certainly the idea, as in Deeper Dating by Ken Page, that what you think are your flaws will attract the right person for you. The book inspires you to be yourself.

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am on chapter seven. This book is a difficult read for the traumatic content. I have had to skip some pages entirely.
I find it difficult also because I relate so heavily to the struggles she has... as an inexperienced 38 year old female trying to date in shadow of religious trauma. The letters to her future life partner are so accurate to some aspects of my own life... I might wind up using them myself with a few edits. Am I allowed?

[Abby Spanier · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was underwhelmed by this book at first. It has a lot of cliches about single middle aged women looking for husbands. But once the author gets into her PTSD and sexual abuse by her father, I started to really root for her happiness. The cliches are still there, but I was really feeling for her desire to have a normal, healthy relationship with a man.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

I only got about 60 pages into this one. It starts off claiming to be for ordinary people trying to date, but seems to actually be about people who have experienced trauma. Don't get me wrong, the author is brave for sharing her story and trying to use it as a way to help others, I just wish it had been presented that way from the start.

[Dna · Rating 1 out of 5]

70-something pages in and this is NOT the dating books you're expecting ladies. I've had a furrowed brow for the past 40 or so pages, reading about how poor Tracy Strauss's father started having sex with her around age...5? Jesus. Enough.

Every book you pick up lately is about rape and abuse. ENOUGH.

[Christi · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a good memoir, not so great as a self-help book. This woman, she has been through some sh!t. Her continued optimism is inspiring.

[Deborah McCoy · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are no clues for empowerment.

[Marianne Kaplan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Such a fun read. Like watching a 30 minute rom com on TV. Plot kept me interested. Not on edge of seat, but good and fun. I enjoyed this light read.

[Kimberly Young · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

[Cloris Shi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really intimate, heart-warming, woman-affirming book about dating and finding love; I love this book, but even more, the author's spirit.

[Linda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This memoir is so much more than one woman's journey through the ever-complicated dating scene that so many endure and experience. Through raw honesty and upmost bravery, she brings the reader into her process of self-discovery and self-healing by pulling back the many layers of PTSD resulting from childhood sexual abuse. She brings forth a delicate topic often hidden in our society and allows others to understand how trauma affects and shapes us, including how we interact and understand others. In doing so, her memoir goes beyond connecting with those who have had similar experiences but also to those who have had any type of trauma or tragedy in life. And, by revealing her life through the dating scene and various relationships, Strauss balances the darkness of her past and present with the lightheartedness of the everyday, the humor that dating often reveals, and the hopefulness that she has for her future. It was riveting to engage in her growth and eventual conquering of her past.