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Dear Birthmother: Thank You for Our Baby
Explores four common myths about adoption, introduces the concept of open adoption, argues for a more humane system of adoption, and includes case studies
192 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 1991
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews
January 27, 2009
This book was recommended to me as a "classic" in adoption literature, and I would have to concur with this assessment. Originally written in the early 80's, when open adoption was an extreme rarity, the book does a great job of alternating anecdotal information with letters between birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. It gives a great glimpse into some of the myths and fears held by various segments of society & talks about how to overcome them. I would strongly encourage anyone involved in the adoption process whether directly or indirectly to read this & better understand how the relationships between birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees change over time & what role "openness" has on those evolutions!
December 12, 2014
I would recommend this book for three classes of readers:
1) Those interested in an historical perspective on the switch from closed adoptions to open adoptions as the norm for adoption agencies in the United States
2) Those who want to understand the myths that often cloud the adoption process for adoptive parents and their children, and want to discover recommended practices for countering those myths
3) Those hoping to read a great number of loving, vulnerable, and emotionally charged letters between adoptive parents and birth parents
The book does a great job on all three fronts, the only drawback being that it is sometimes a bit choppy, as it has to switch back and forth between informative text, critical analysis, and personal letters. I'm not sure what the authors could have done to avert this, as all three formats are necessary for a comprehensive understanding of the issues. Unfortunately, the different formats were a bit distracting at times, and made the pacing of the book very uneven.
This book was written in 1982, so some of the facts are a bit out of date, but the core message is still very relevant: there are many myths in the adoption world (for example, "birth mothers forget about their babies") and these myths just don't hold water when put up against the real experiences of those involved. These myths are tenacious and are still given license in today's world to varying degrees, so this book is a great resource for discovering how to counter these myths for the long-term benefit of children who were adopted. I particularly liked the section that asserted that "adopted" is a verb and not an adjective, so one says a child "was adopted" to underscore the event in the child's life, and one avoids saying a child "is adopted" which confines the child's identity as static instead of dynamic like any other member of their family.
The letters included in the book were incredibly raw and were left unedited by the authors, except for length or for name changes to protect privacy. While reading the letters, I found myself not just crying, but occasionally weeping because of the heartbreak and vulnerability being shared therein; the topic is just so emotionally charged, it is not a good go-to book for parks or subway reading, unless you don't mind the curious stares!
The authors worked with an agency that was on the cutting edge of adoption changes in the 70's and 80's. Historically, maybe 90% of adoptions in the U.S. back in 1978 were closed adoptions, where adoptive parents and birth parents never had contact with one another. In today's world, the ratio is reversed, with maybe 90% of adoptions being open, so the two sets of parents have some form of contact, usually in the form of letters exchanged through the original adoption agency. The passionate argument of this book is that that is the way it should be, but they had no way to know if their message would be taken to heart. They back up their argument with methodical reasoning, anecdotal experiences, and impassioned testimony from the parents themselves. This book, and by association the agency described in the book, was partly responsible for a lot of these changes in thinking. It is kind of a thrill knowing how progressive these early trailblazers were now that we can look at it in hindsight. If you read between the lines, you can tell that there was a lot of resistance to their ideas in the beginning stages of this transition. Toward the end of the book, they bring out the real showstopper - adoptive parents and birth parents are sometimes meeting each other, with their children! Although this practice is somewhat common now, it is interesting to notice how they saved that idea for the very end because (they admit) they were afraid no one would read the book if readers knew that this was where the discussion was leading!
I definitely recommended this book for those interested in the emotional aspects of adoption, and for those who want to see ways that healthy communication can be established between birth parents and adoptive parents for the sake of mutual understanding and for the benefit of the child.
1) Those interested in an historical perspective on the switch from closed adoptions to open adoptions as the norm for adoption agencies in the United States
2) Those who want to understand the myths that often cloud the adoption process for adoptive parents and their children, and want to discover recommended practices for countering those myths
3) Those hoping to read a great number of loving, vulnerable, and emotionally charged letters between adoptive parents and birth parents
The book does a great job on all three fronts, the only drawback being that it is sometimes a bit choppy, as it has to switch back and forth between informative text, critical analysis, and personal letters. I'm not sure what the authors could have done to avert this, as all three formats are necessary for a comprehensive understanding of the issues. Unfortunately, the different formats were a bit distracting at times, and made the pacing of the book very uneven.
This book was written in 1982, so some of the facts are a bit out of date, but the core message is still very relevant: there are many myths in the adoption world (for example, "birth mothers forget about their babies") and these myths just don't hold water when put up against the real experiences of those involved. These myths are tenacious and are still given license in today's world to varying degrees, so this book is a great resource for discovering how to counter these myths for the long-term benefit of children who were adopted. I particularly liked the section that asserted that "adopted" is a verb and not an adjective, so one says a child "was adopted" to underscore the event in the child's life, and one avoids saying a child "is adopted" which confines the child's identity as static instead of dynamic like any other member of their family.
The letters included in the book were incredibly raw and were left unedited by the authors, except for length or for name changes to protect privacy. While reading the letters, I found myself not just crying, but occasionally weeping because of the heartbreak and vulnerability being shared therein; the topic is just so emotionally charged, it is not a good go-to book for parks or subway reading, unless you don't mind the curious stares!
The authors worked with an agency that was on the cutting edge of adoption changes in the 70's and 80's. Historically, maybe 90% of adoptions in the U.S. back in 1978 were closed adoptions, where adoptive parents and birth parents never had contact with one another. In today's world, the ratio is reversed, with maybe 90% of adoptions being open, so the two sets of parents have some form of contact, usually in the form of letters exchanged through the original adoption agency. The passionate argument of this book is that that is the way it should be, but they had no way to know if their message would be taken to heart. They back up their argument with methodical reasoning, anecdotal experiences, and impassioned testimony from the parents themselves. This book, and by association the agency described in the book, was partly responsible for a lot of these changes in thinking. It is kind of a thrill knowing how progressive these early trailblazers were now that we can look at it in hindsight. If you read between the lines, you can tell that there was a lot of resistance to their ideas in the beginning stages of this transition. Toward the end of the book, they bring out the real showstopper - adoptive parents and birth parents are sometimes meeting each other, with their children! Although this practice is somewhat common now, it is interesting to notice how they saved that idea for the very end because (they admit) they were afraid no one would read the book if readers knew that this was where the discussion was leading!
I definitely recommended this book for those interested in the emotional aspects of adoption, and for those who want to see ways that healthy communication can be established between birth parents and adoptive parents for the sake of mutual understanding and for the benefit of the child.
July 21, 2014
Like Foxe's book of martyrs in that the emotionally intense becomes about is repetitive of the phonebook. The authors lay the groundwork with a good case for dismantling the false assumptions that going to the adoption process. They put skin and muscle on that framework with real-life stories. This is an awfully promising beginning, but the form that they create doesn't really move from there. Over, and over, and over, you read basically the same letters exchanged between birthparents an adoptive parents
July 19, 2021
This book was originally written during the birth of the open/semi-open adoption movement. As single parenting was becoming more acceptable, adoption agencies were faced with a dwindling supply of babies for couple seeking to adopt. The book focuses on the joy of the adoptive parents without acknowledging the deep trauma and life long impact of adoption on the adoptee and the parents who lose children to adoption.
It would be interesting to see a version where the authors followed up the adoptive parents every five to ten years after placement with honest answers about the status of openness in adoption and the feelings of gratitude for the birthmothers. The reality is that open adoption is not legally enforceable, most open adoptions close within the first five years or sooner and that openness does not guarantee that the adoptee will experience the best of both worlds.
It also traps parents who lose children to adoption in a cycle of denying grief and regret out of fear of falling out of favor with the adoptive family and the potential loss of contact with the family and their child lost to adoption.
This book is toxicity wrapped in good intentions and should be seen as the attempt to manipulate women without resources and support to relinquish their children for adoption without being informed of the lifelong trauma that they and their children will experience.
It would be interesting to see a version where the authors followed up the adoptive parents every five to ten years after placement with honest answers about the status of openness in adoption and the feelings of gratitude for the birthmothers. The reality is that open adoption is not legally enforceable, most open adoptions close within the first five years or sooner and that openness does not guarantee that the adoptee will experience the best of both worlds.
It also traps parents who lose children to adoption in a cycle of denying grief and regret out of fear of falling out of favor with the adoptive family and the potential loss of contact with the family and their child lost to adoption.
This book is toxicity wrapped in good intentions and should be seen as the attempt to manipulate women without resources and support to relinquish their children for adoption without being informed of the lifelong trauma that they and their children will experience.
December 23, 2021
Paperback. Loved this book. Gave me context to think about some things that I very much didn't understand. Our son is 1.5 years old and I am so thankful to have better language and to wrestle with things. Especially the 4 Myths...what a great way to view things.
Very much recommend for anyone who is considering adopting, fostering or anyone who is supporting anyone in the "triad".
Very much recommend for anyone who is considering adopting, fostering or anyone who is supporting anyone in the "triad".
May 6, 2018
Be ready to cry happy tears through the whole book
December 7, 2020
This book contains some important points about adoption, but it feels VERY outdated and repeats itself a lot.
March 3, 2019
This book has three fundamental flaws:
1) It's completely outdated. Open adoption is de rigueur now.
2) Way too "God" heavy! Not everyone believes that "Christ" or "God" is behind their adoption placements.
3) There is zero actual research other than what the authors claim in "their experience."
I'm still glad I read Dear Birthmother since it's allegedly a classic and there were a couple insights that were helpful to me as an adoptive mom. Interestingly enough, I think the best reader for the book would be non-adoptive parents who often make/ask inappropriate/offensive comments/questions.
1) It's completely outdated. Open adoption is de rigueur now.
2) Way too "God" heavy! Not everyone believes that "Christ" or "God" is behind their adoption placements.
3) There is zero actual research other than what the authors claim in "their experience."
I'm still glad I read Dear Birthmother since it's allegedly a classic and there were a couple insights that were helpful to me as an adoptive mom. Interestingly enough, I think the best reader for the book would be non-adoptive parents who often make/ask inappropriate/offensive comments/questions.
March 11, 2013
My overall impression is positive. The book is an introduction and argument for open adoption. Not semi-open, but open. The authors are attempting to overcome 'myths' common in American society about adoption and offer a new definition of adoption.
The authors suffer from the common problem of imprecise language. At one point the authors state 'the fourth myth is also designed..." The myths are designed??? As in someone sat down, thought it out and said, 'ya know, I think these are the things about adoption I want American's to believe'. I don't think the authors really mean 'design', that just seems absurd. But if they don't, why did they use that word?
I found myself very put out by the 'myths' that American's believe about adoption. I know that we (Hubby and I) tend to be rather counter-cultural in some areas, but I think the general myths are a bit outdated. The first myth says a birthmother/parent doesn't care. If she didn't care, she'd just abort the baby. End of story. But she choose to carry the baby to term -- she cares. The second myth says it all needs to be kept secret, but the need for secrecy just isn't there any more. Adoption isn't what it was in the late 90s and with a growing number of inter-racial adoption its impossible to keep the adoption a secret -- its a bit obvious! Myth 3 (birthparents forget) and 4 (adoptees searching for birthparents doesn't mean they don't love the adoptive parents) might still hold as myths, I don't know, so I withhold judgement on those.
Now, beyond that section, I found the book helpful to my own thinking. I realized I had a few notions that were inaccurate, e.g. that NO ONE could love my child as much as I do (sans all context). And the authors did a good job at showing me the need for birthparents/mothers to remain a part of the child's life and that I, as an adoptive parent, shouldn't be afraid or intimidated by a birthmom's presence. A birthmom (and dad) have walked into this decision voluntarily and have reasons for believing this is the best option.
I really liked the 'new' definition of adoption that the authors present. It accounts for a great deal that I hadn't thought about before. I let you read the book to learn what this new definition is.
The authors suffer from the common problem of imprecise language. At one point the authors state 'the fourth myth is also designed..." The myths are designed??? As in someone sat down, thought it out and said, 'ya know, I think these are the things about adoption I want American's to believe'. I don't think the authors really mean 'design', that just seems absurd. But if they don't, why did they use that word?
I found myself very put out by the 'myths' that American's believe about adoption. I know that we (Hubby and I) tend to be rather counter-cultural in some areas, but I think the general myths are a bit outdated. The first myth says a birthmother/parent doesn't care. If she didn't care, she'd just abort the baby. End of story. But she choose to carry the baby to term -- she cares. The second myth says it all needs to be kept secret, but the need for secrecy just isn't there any more. Adoption isn't what it was in the late 90s and with a growing number of inter-racial adoption its impossible to keep the adoption a secret -- its a bit obvious! Myth 3 (birthparents forget) and 4 (adoptees searching for birthparents doesn't mean they don't love the adoptive parents) might still hold as myths, I don't know, so I withhold judgement on those.
Now, beyond that section, I found the book helpful to my own thinking. I realized I had a few notions that were inaccurate, e.g. that NO ONE could love my child as much as I do (sans all context). And the authors did a good job at showing me the need for birthparents/mothers to remain a part of the child's life and that I, as an adoptive parent, shouldn't be afraid or intimidated by a birthmom's presence. A birthmom (and dad) have walked into this decision voluntarily and have reasons for believing this is the best option.
I really liked the 'new' definition of adoption that the authors present. It accounts for a great deal that I hadn't thought about before. I let you read the book to learn what this new definition is.
October 1, 2012
This is generally considered an adoption classic and required reading in working with many adoption agencies. What made the book unique is that it is one of the first books arguing for the benefits of open adoptions (continuing contact with birth parents). It is now in it's third edition.
The first part of the book deals with "the four myths of adoption":
- "The birthmother obviously doesn't care about her child or she wouldn't have given him away."
- "Secrecy in every phase of the adoption process is necessary to protect all parties."
- "Both the birthmother and birthfather will forget about their unwanted child."
- "If the adoptee really loved his adoptive family, he would not have to search for his birthparents."
Much of the rest of the book talk about the benefits of some contact being maintained with birthparents, primarily through the writing of letters. Lots of examples of real letters between birthparents and adoptive families are given throughout the book.
The first part of the book deals with "the four myths of adoption":
- "The birthmother obviously doesn't care about her child or she wouldn't have given him away."
- "Secrecy in every phase of the adoption process is necessary to protect all parties."
- "Both the birthmother and birthfather will forget about their unwanted child."
- "If the adoptee really loved his adoptive family, he would not have to search for his birthparents."
Much of the rest of the book talk about the benefits of some contact being maintained with birthparents, primarily through the writing of letters. Lots of examples of real letters between birthparents and adoptive families are given throughout the book.
June 26, 2013
I gave this book four stars not because the writing is particularly amazing, but because for anyone going through the adoption process, this book helps breakdown some of the myths and misconceptions of open adoptions.
In fact, if the phrase "open adoption" immediately brings to mind the most recent Lifetime Movie about a birthmother stalking her child on the playground, then yes, I would strongly suggest you read this book. Turns out, the more the birthmom knows about the adoptive family into which she is placing her child, the more likely she is to follow through with the adoption, the better she will feel about her decision post-placement, and the more easily she will be able to cope with the loss that comes from relinquishing her parental rights.
Again, it's not Pulitzer Prize material as far as the writing goes, but for anyone entering into adoption and/or supporting someone as they move through the adoption process, this book should be required reading.
In fact, if the phrase "open adoption" immediately brings to mind the most recent Lifetime Movie about a birthmother stalking her child on the playground, then yes, I would strongly suggest you read this book. Turns out, the more the birthmom knows about the adoptive family into which she is placing her child, the more likely she is to follow through with the adoption, the better she will feel about her decision post-placement, and the more easily she will be able to cope with the loss that comes from relinquishing her parental rights.
Again, it's not Pulitzer Prize material as far as the writing goes, but for anyone entering into adoption and/or supporting someone as they move through the adoption process, this book should be required reading.
July 13, 2011
I think this is a must for anyone looking into the adoption agency (I guess that means I agree with the agency we are working with's decision to make it required reading.) I felt this book leant new insights into the worlds of the adopted, the adopting, and birthparents. That said, this book is definitely opinionated with an overly positive slant, which I found, aside from annoying, distracting from the true message. I wish there would have been a little more objectivity in the selection of stories they chose to share. Instead every story you read about open adoptions is rainbows and lollipops and everyone lives happily ever after. I know from personal experience of friends and family that while open adoption is the best choice for the child it is not "happily ever after" once the child is placed and everyone goes on loving each other.
February 25, 2008
This book was our only required reading when my husband and I adopted our eldest son. It helped me not to be so afraid of having his birthmom in our life, and provided guidelines as to when and how to forge that relationship. I also really enjoyed reading the included letters between birthparents, adoptive parents, and adoptees. It helped me to read other letters to birthmoms when I sat down to write my first few to our son's first mother. This book gave me a deeper appreciation of the difficult choice birthmoms make when placing their children in adoptive homes, and increased my love and compassion for my son's birthmother all the more.
June 7, 2009
A good, informative book, but definitely showing its age. It was published in 1982, and in the subsequent 27 years there have been such advances in adoption procedures, counseling, etc. that another revision may be warranted. That being said, it is certainly one of the best books I have read on adoption to date, which shows that there is really a shortage of good, solid information on the positive results of adoption. I would recommend it wholeheartedly to anyone interested in, researching or considering adoption, while at the same time urging you to do your own research and locate the literature out there that is helpful to you. It is there...you just have to dig for it.
March 3, 2014
This was one of our assigned readings for our adoption home study. This book opened our eyes to the beauty and positivity in open adoption. As another reviewer mentioned, the author is definitely advocating for the most open of adoptions, and understanding that going in is helpful. It was great at helping to dispel myths about open adoption relationships. I especially appreciated the last chapter of the book, which methodically walked through different acts within an open adoption: sharing photos, meeting face to face, etc. Reading intimate letters between both sets of parents about what those acts meant to them was both beautiful and helpful.
November 28, 2013
I enjoyed this book very much so. It was written with compassion for all sides of the adoption triangle. It explores the open adoption relation and exposes the myth theories with actual truth realities. The personal letters were a great addition to show first hand how people in this community feel, heal and process their role as part of the adoptive community. I would recommend anyone who is considering relinquishing their parental rights to read this book prior to so that they may make an informed decision and anyone who is planning on adopting to read it as well, for they could benefit greatly from the insight this book provides.
August 11, 2008
I'm glad this book is out there, and from the reviews it sounds like it has served it's purpose a few times. The stories and letters are touching -- the only reason I gave it three stars is that I didn't learn anything from it. My partner and I are very comfortable with the idea of open-adoption and that our child will have birth-parents as part of his or her life. We were assigned this by our adoption agency, and is seems like a good book to have adoptive parents read, but we didn't really need it.
August 23, 2010
Two adoption professionals discuss the benefits of openness in adoption and dispel many myths about domestic adoption. The authors' perspectives are based largely on their own experiences. The book should not be considered a research-based guide, but it is interesting and insightful to read the many letters exchanged between adoptive parents and first parents, which are included in the book. Some of the information about open adoption is very dated, but the overall myths are still prevalent, and the book's message is definitely still relevant.
October 27, 2009
A clear and compelling case for open adoption (as opposed to a more traditional system with sealed records and no contact and all that). I think I'd still recommend it to a reader already convinced about open adoption, though, for the perspective of the many letters included in the book, written mostly between birth parents and adoptive parents but with a few adoptees, birth grandparents, and adoptive siblings thrown in for good measure.
June 30, 2008
This was written a while ago, most letters were from before birthmothers choose the family for their baby. I really like it because there were letters from real people and I feel like I understand birthmothers better. Everyone involved in adoption should read this... I got it from the library or I would be lending it you!
February 2, 2009
book jacket description -
"This is the third revised edition of the open adoption classic recommended by the Child Welfare League of America. Gently provocative, warm and convincing, this open adoption guide includes actual letters between adoptive parents and birthparents, and between the latter and the children they have."
"This is the third revised edition of the open adoption classic recommended by the Child Welfare League of America. Gently provocative, warm and convincing, this open adoption guide includes actual letters between adoptive parents and birthparents, and between the latter and the children they have."
December 30, 2013
A lot of good information but the copy I read (the only one our library had) is from 1983 so it's kinda outdated (they talk about meeting birth parents as being revolutionary and controversial when we met our sons birth mother many times and it was no big deal). Made me excited to communicate with his birth mother though.
June 24, 2016
I greatly appreciated this book. Before reading Dear Birthmother I knew VERY little about open adoption, just the concepts that adoption is born out of loss and love. I learned a lot from this book and appreciated it's positive but still blunt honesty. This book is a good starting point on the journey of learning about open adoption.
November 2, 2009
this book really challenged my view of birth parents. i was broken for the reality of what this means for them. it allowed me to see our sons birthmom for who she was - his VERY first mom that loved him dearly.
January 21, 2010
Must read for anyone considering adoption or for anyone who wants to better understand the concept of "open adoption". This book does a great job of getting to the roots of fears as well as explaining where birthparents are coming from.
December 30, 2013
The structure of the book is a bit odd in terms of the sequence of chapters, but I like the balance of informative writing and anecdotal letters. I also appreciate the level of openness communicated and the discussion of how the relationship will evolve over time.
January 18, 2015
A must read for families considering adoption. Opened my eyes to the prevailing myths of our culture. I know every situation won't work as well as the examples in the book, but good to be educated about the possibilities.
June 8, 2011
Good book, really interesting and touching. Would recommend to any one pursuing any form of adoption to expose you to the myths about open adoption. I could really relate to this book.
February 3, 2011
Required reading! It's good, but outdated. It is what it is.
October 14, 2012
I registered a book at BookCrossing.com!
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/11464574
http://www.BookCrossing.com/journal/11464574
Displaying 1 - 30 of 34 reviews