How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children

by Lewis Burke Frumkes

Lewis Burke Frumkes, one of America's very best satirists, sharpens his pen on the fads, fears, and fashions of the urban landscape. Here are 49 hilarious ways to cope with them. Explore the benefits of aerobic typing. Wile a friend with "Exotic Gifts from Harry and Larry" including "Road Imperial ValiumAmerica's Favorite TranquilizerOnly Better." Take charge of your next meeting with Frumkes's "New Rules of Order," which include Blurting, Interrupting, and Bullwhipping. Jump in the saddle and rope a roachapartment style. And, of course, raise your I.Q. with a delicious "Gifted Child Fricassee."

Genres: Humor, Fiction

202 pages, Kindle Edition

First published October 1, 1983

About the author

In the old pre-website days you could find Lewis Burke Frumkes between Fruit and Frustration in the Readers Guide to Periodical Literature. But Lewis has grown some and now as you meet his cyberself you may be surprised to find that he is the author of seven books most notably “How To Raise Your I.Q. By Eating Gifted Children,” “Metapunctuation,” “The Logophile’s Orgy,” and “Manhattan Cocktail; the host of the LEWIS BURKE FRUMKES SHOW on WPAT-AM in New York where each Sunday at 8PM he interviews important people in the arts and sciences; on the Board of Editors of The Writer Magazine, the oldest writing magazine in the United States; and the Director of The Writing Center at Hunter College. When not involved in these activities or eating dim sum and playing chess in Chinatown, you may find Lewis on the Program’s Committee of the Harvard Club of New York; as the creator of a distinguished philosophy lecture at New York University bearing his name; speaking at various theatres of intelligence such as the Colony Club, The Harvard Club, the Yale Club, and Sarah Lawrence College about writing, publishing, cosmology, or humor: teaching his “Great Ideas,” course to freshmen at Marymount: anthologized in dozens of books and journals of opinion; or popping up for sundry other reasons on Page Six of the New York Post. Lewis may have grown older, but he has also grown less serious. When asked not long ago what more he hoped to achieve in life, Lewis replied with appropriate gravitas that if he could help make the world a funnier planet that would please him immensely.

Reviews

[Liz Alb · Rating 4 out of 5]

Don't be fooled, this isn't a recipe book on how to fricassee, bake, stew or roast children to perfection. Or at least, not in its entirety.

Published in the early 1980s, How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children is a compilation of short, satirical essays written by renowned satirist Lewis Burke Frumkes. Chock full of wit, irony and sarcasm, these essays revel in the absurdities and follies of everyday life (which apparently haven't changed that much over the last 30 years).

While some forms of satire can be abrasive and offensive, this is not the case here. As I flipped each page, I couldn't help but admire the author's creativity and ability to mock societal habits and trends in a funny and engaging way. It was impossible not to chuckle while reading about the benefits of sending parents to camp, aerobic typing and elevator etiquette. (In case you didn't know, shouting "Fire!" in an elevator is considered bad form.)

Of course, some pieces made me smile more than others. Among my favourites:

Making the Inner Circle: An amusing piece explaining how to get into God's good graces. In describing the circles and different levels of friendship, such as God's "Pals", "Chums", "Friends" or "Acquaintances", the author unknowingly wrote an article that became much more relevant for our modern day world of Facebook and Google Plus users.

Shrink Strike: I laughed out loud reading this authoritative, journalistic and side-splitting exposé on the breakdown in contract talks between the American Psychiatric Association and its patients, represented by the National Union of Treatment (NUT). I'll definitely be watching out for picket lines in front of the three thousand psychiatrist office couches across the country.

Overall, How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children is an oldie but a goodie. I recommend it to readers who like an amusing read delivered in short two- and three-page bites. Rest assured, this book is guaranteed to make you grin, guffaw, chortle and snicker from beginning to end.

[Shannon]

Satire? NONSENSE. I'm sure this is literally true.

[L]

Putting this one on hold after someone on the subway asked me if I was reading a cannibal cookbook.

[Brittnee · Rating 2 out of 5]

It is possible that the best thing about this books is the title.

[Danielle H · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little bit dry but I liked it. Each essay was amusing, although there were certainly some that hit better than others due to having background knowledge, such as about IQs and gifted children, or NYs bagel and lox scene. I had some anachronistic giggles, too, as some of the satire has aged into reality...such as satirical real estate ads that have definitely been airbnb descriptions I have come across.

[Linda · Rating 2 out of 5]

Did not speak to me. Perhaps it is a little dated at this point.

[Hilary · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was funny at times, but not quite as much as I expected. I think that a lot of the funny parts were lost on me, but I still did get a few laughs. Regardless, it was a quick read. I'm not sure who I would recommend it to, but if you're going to read it, you should probably have a pretty good sense of humor.

[Rowan MacBean · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 STARS

This is a great collection of short satirical pieces. The only problem is that some of the humor hasn't aged very well. This is not an uncommon issue with satire, though, since it frequently relies on current events and attitudes.

[Jim Razinha · Rating 3 out of 5]

I came across a picture of the original edition of this book maybe 10-12 years ago and becuase the title is so funny, I have been searching infrequently for it ever since. I finally decided to use a Half Price Books giftcard to buy a copy. I got a reprint (more on that at the end*) and now I've read it.

Dave Barry meets Ted Nancy.

Some of these essays/articles are funny. Some less so. More even less so.

But, I've finally read it.

[on elevators telling us "something about the world we live in"]
"They tell you that man is a vertical animal that likes to travel in herds; [...]; that somewhere there exists a building composed of just the thirteenth floors missing from all the others."

[on Making the Inner Circle(of God)]
"The executive [recruiting] committee's job is to increase membership in God's Inner Circle from 50 last year to 120. To do this we have made a deal with God to forgive up to 10 percent of a member's sins, not including food sins. Food sins, as you know, are unforgivable."
{Nailed it. Weird, that no one has modernized the cloven hoof thing to acknowledge that we've handled trichinosis.}

"W. W. Willard, the celebrated author, critic, play-wright, and raconteur, will put his entire vocabulary up for sale next month at the Sotheby Parke Bernet Galleries. Yesterday's announcement of the auction caused a widespread stir among collectors and wordsmiths both here and abroad, and the three-day sale is expected to attract a large attendance.
What the public is bound to find remarkable about the Willard offering is the enormous range and quality of the collection. It is common knowledge that W. W. Willard has assembled one of the largest and most complete idiomatic vocabularies in the English-speaking world, but it may come as a surprise to many that he also possesses the finest set of seventeenth-century French expletives outside the Library of Congress, and a hitherto unknown collection of Tibetan humor words."
{This was clever and rather funny.}

[on The New Punctuation] {The predated emojis by decades but someone ought to take a look at them because these would help. They (whoever "they" are) should make emojis out of these.}


[on being a modern lexicraftologist, as Ambrose Bierce was... I liked this one]
quatressensial, adj. - not quite quintessential

*[on that binding] It sucks. Page after page from the middle on kept pulling out. Disappointed.

[Sai Bikkani · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun set of short essays that satirize the minutia of life.

It’s like reading the transcript of a slightly pretentious stand up act. Given that it was written in the 80’s, well before my time, I concede the possibility that people just talked that way.

I didn’t get to read the whole book, but the majority I read was pretty enjoyable and surprisingly inoffensive given the time period.

[Joey Marchaza · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent self-help guide! I have raised my IQ by 50 using this book and have only eaten around 7 kids! This book includes several excellent recipes, loads of good tips, and even a tutorial on how to sautee a child's thighs. I highly recommend this book as it was beneficial to my lifestyle.

[Guy Cummins · Rating 4 out of 5]

what this in not a field guide to eating gifted kids this is bull****

[Liam · Rating 5 out of 5]

I did the math the title is the best part

[MOVED formerly stinky]

I am ready to become an entity with godly knowledge.

[Henry · Rating 4 out of 5]

Is it possible that much of this book’s success was purely due to its title? Sure. Is it also true that this collection of essays, with its eclectic blend of varying flavors of Pythonesque dry humor, are definitely worth a read, and at least a few bathroom re-reads? Absolutely. Lighten up, people.

[Jbussen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Not my brand of humor. A Bathroom Reader book, collection of short supposedly humorous essays.
Example of humor, (attempting to lasso roaches like steers) "since roaches are very strong and could easily pull you off your horse and into the garbage pail or worse. A neighbor of mine riding sidesaddle recently was pulled off his horse and down the kitchen sink." And another, on a society page, announcing upcoming nuptials. "Doo Doo, who is known to her friends as Puff Puff, or to her very close friends as Dee Dee, or to the senior class at Dartmouth as Eee Zee, attended Miss Pinball’s School in South Braintree where she was voted most likely to become pregnant during inclement weather." If this is your brand of humor then get this book. I want my 2.99 back AMAZON!!

[Steve Mitchell · Rating 3 out of 5]

It had its moments where it was funny or clever, and very occasionally it managed to be both, but there were too many passages that did nothing for me. Maybe that says more about me than the book but I’ve read better takes on satire than this

[Ted · Rating 3 out of 5]

A collection of short writings by satirist/humorist Lewis Burke Frumkes. As is often the case with this type of collection, the quality is hit-or-miss. The high points weren't high enough. And the low points were quite low. It's a wonderful title, but the contents don't match. I was reminded of Woody Allen's early books which, although inconsistent, were more enjoyable.

[Tori · Rating 1 out of 5]

I loved the title of this book.

If the humor level of the satirical essays inside the book go from 1 (corners of your mouth twitch) to 10 (full belly laugh and rushing to read portions to everyone you know).... for me this book landed at 0.5.

But the title was so good.