Alex opened the blinds and pulled open the glass doors to the balcony, did the washing-up quickly, rinsing out the milk carton of its clotted curds before throwing it in the kitchen bin. She put a couple of bottles of beer and some water in the fridge for later.
If you like that kind of thing, you’ll love this novel.
****
STUFF DOES NOT HAPPEN MUCH
This is about two English families growing up between the 1970s and 1990s in a town up north called Sheffield. There are five people in one family and four in the other and so if you are keen on maths you have already deduced that there are nine major characters.
Nine characters and twenty years. Ordinary people, ordinary lives. This is not a thriller. Indeed, the author goes to great lengths to remove any possibility of thrilling the reader. It is remarkable how very few things happen to these people. It is in fact quite amazing the amount of dull stuff you can say about nine different characters. For instance, a guy retires. We get a page about what present his colleagues thought appropriate to give him. We get six pages about the retirement party, then some pages about what he did when he was retired – he pottered about. Is there a point to this? No, he’s just a character who retired, like what people do.
When something you could describe as “something” happens to one of our characters, there are maybe five or six of these somethings in the 738 pages, the novel becomes like a galvanised frog, making a couple of frantic hideous lurches, before settling down again into a somnolent catalogue of recent British interior decoration :
There was no space to dance in this little room, with its bulging fat tasselled three-piece suite decorated with a brown forestry pattern around the low coffee table
or
Alice couldn’t help looking about her at the house: the new Turkish rug, the old wood and glass coffee-table, the glass-domed preserved flowers on the shelf and the other knick-knacks, the new pair of sofas, which had replaced the three-piece suite
OKAY, A LITTLE BIT OF STUFF DOES HAPPEN
Some readers who are more kindly disposed towards this novel than myself will point out that there is a death by auto-erotic asphyxiation and that one of the nine main characters has a brain haemorrhage, and another appears to be eaten by a shark, but I say is that all you can come up with in 738 pages? I know novels that do all that in the first chapter. Autoerotic asphyxiation is the least that happens to people in some novels I have read.
Around page 520, yes, it’s true, something interesting appears to take place, a court case and a crisis in a marriage. But this is immediately followed on page 543 by five solid pages of travelogue (“beyond and below the crags, heading down into the valley that divided Rayfield Avenue, Ranmoor and Lodge Moor on one flank from Hillsborough and the moors on the other…”). Oh and the main defendant, who looms so large in the first part of the novel, we never find out what happens to him, he just disappears, poof! That was kind of just a little bit very aggravating.
THE NOVELIST’S NIGHTMARE
If I was a novelist this would be one of my nightmares. There is a scene around page 337 where two existing flatmates are doing a series of interviews of people applying to be the third flatmate. The interviews become increasingly absurd and cruel. Pretty good scene, in fact. Ho ho. But the exact same thing happens right at the beginning of the 1994 movie Shallow Grave. Did our author see the movie and it was a George Harrison/My Sweet Lord type of thing or was it a flat out coincidence? Ugh, if you found out afterwards, you would hate that.
THE TOTAL CARICATURE OF THE LEFT
One of the characters, Timothy, turns into a radical and at this point the novel stumbles into the total caricature of the left. Here’s the cardboard cutout feminist lefty Trudy on p392 talking to a miner’s wife during the famous miner’s strike :
“We feel your pain,” Trudy said exuberantly, and, as she always did, tried to embrace the chief mining wife. They sort of submitted to it, but you could see what they thought about Trudy, who, with her views on the systems that made deodorant, both vaginal and armpit, and shampoo seem necessary, wasn’t all that nice to be embraced by or even come very near to.
That’s Philip speaking, not one of his characters. I mean, FFS, right?
There’s another of these radical minor characters called Stig, a vicar’s son
Tim observed, with speechless envy, Stig’s sardonic habit of addressing his parents, to their resigned faces, as “Vicar” and “Fat Marge”
I mean, I just don’t believe any son would address his mother as Fat Marge even if she was made of a yellow butter substitute spread used for baking and cooking.
Mr Hensher’s editorialising continues during the miner’s strike.
The community hall, cluttered up now with banners and collection tins and boxes of donated cans of food, waiting for the boot-faced NUM wives to hand out to supposedly deserving cases. The food got collected in Sheffield town centre, half by the boot-faced contingent and half by a lot of silly students being supported through university by Mummy and Daddy
OLD FARTS AT PLAY
There are many moments where you think that Philip Hensher has been going around interviewing pensioners for this novel, and the pensioners would say things like “Remember how people would pause tapes on video players, this was before DVDs, young fellow, and someone would say that if you paused a videotape too long it would catch fire and burn the house down” and Philip would furiously write this down and it would appear on page 414.
RUBY TUESDAY IS NOT A BEATLES SONG
Gradually it became clear that Philip Hensher wishes to use this novel to catalogue 20 years of middle-class provincial fashions – their cuisine (“Jane had scallops wrapped in prosciutto; Robert had a porcini risotto”) interior decoration, furniture, architecture, cars, alcoholic and drug intake and municipal development. Everything is gradually filled in, like Sim City. Gastro-pubs, futons, Amstrad computers with start-up discs, hot-desking, they all march on at their appointed time.
But there is one huge area he avoids and that is pop culture. We follow his five assorted kids growing up into their 30s and in the whole 738 pages there is one reference to David Cassidy and someone thinks Ruby Tuesday is a Beatles song. (Okay, I did like that small joke). There are more references to Bruckner than The Sex Pistols. So none of these kids followed The Human League or Pulp (both Sheffield bands with thousands of fans)? None of them ever listened to non-classical music or went to any movies?
I STUMBLE INTO THE LIGHT, CROAKING
Yes, I made it onto the last damned page. You know, this may come as a shock, but I think it could have done with a bit of pruning. Take out the descriptions of vol-au-vents and you’ll lose 42 pages right there.
PS - for a long novel about ordinary people in which very little stuff happens and yet strangely the said novel is brilliant, see The Old Wives' Tale by Arnold Bennett (1908).