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Empty Arms: Coping With Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death
Surviving the First Hours and Beyond
Revised and updated! This classic book, with over 350,000 in print, is one of the first given to newly bereaved parents to offer support and guidance in decision-making after their baby's death and to assist caregivers as they support families. Empty Arms encourages families to meet their babies and say hello before rushing to say goodbye. With compassion that comes from Sherokee and David's experience of having lived through the death of their son Brennan and miscarried baby Marama, the book offers guidance and practical suggestions for the decision-making at the time (including why and how one might see, hold, and memorialize one's baby) and over time (such as how to handle such times as anniversaries, holidays and the birth of other babies in the parents' close circle.)
Family and friends can learn how to understand the loss and be supportive of the bereaved families.
It offers ongoing support about subjects such as returning to work or to life, couple grieving, surviving children, feeling guilty, having another child or not, and feeling lonely.
This book touches the hearts of families at the time of their loss and over time as they heal.
An excellent bibliography and resource section are included.
Revised and updated! This classic book, with over 350,000 in print, is one of the first given to newly bereaved parents to offer support and guidance in decision-making after their baby's death and to assist caregivers as they support families. Empty Arms encourages families to meet their babies and say hello before rushing to say goodbye. With compassion that comes from Sherokee and David's experience of having lived through the death of their son Brennan and miscarried baby Marama, the book offers guidance and practical suggestions for the decision-making at the time (including why and how one might see, hold, and memorialize one's baby) and over time (such as how to handle such times as anniversaries, holidays and the birth of other babies in the parents' close circle.)
Family and friends can learn how to understand the loss and be supportive of the bereaved families.
It offers ongoing support about subjects such as returning to work or to life, couple grieving, surviving children, feeling guilty, having another child or not, and feeling lonely.
This book touches the hearts of families at the time of their loss and over time as they heal.
An excellent bibliography and resource section are included.
104 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1982
6 people are currently reading
231 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews
March 26, 2011
Another reviewer labeled this book with "common sense" and only gave it two stars. But it is common sense that helps parents who cannot hold their baby in their arms, cannot see the color of their baby's eyes, will never hear their baby cry. Common sense is what takes off and leaves us all alone when our foundation is shaken. Thank goodness for common sense and for the people who give it back to us when we need it most! This is one of the books that brought solace during period of grief and mourning after my baby had died at birth in 1993 and the following four miscarriages. There's nothing like recognition of what you've gone through/ are going through yourself...
PS this book was published in 2000 but I seem to remember I read it much earlier, perhaps that edition isn't mentioned here.
PS this book was published in 2000 but I seem to remember I read it much earlier, perhaps that edition isn't mentioned here.
April 5, 2019
A helpful, conversationally written, and compassionately conveyed resource for women who've lost a baby at any stage in pregnancy (or in the days/weeks/months post-birth)--for grieving fathers, and for those inner-circle people who wish to be both loving and comforting to parents who've experienced the loss of a child.
Context Note: I was given this book 8 days after receiving the news that our baby had died in utero. 5 days post D&C. And 1 day after I nearly hemorrhaged to death belatedly from said D&C.
I couldn't bring myself to begin reading it until 6 months later. (Although the information and commodore was so helpful, I wish I could have made myself back in those first few days. I simply didn't have the strength at the time. Or perhaps... I wish I'd read it before I was pregnant, so I would have been more prepared for the outcome I faced.)
In this work, Sherokee Ilse has chosen to share her own heart-wrenching instances of loss (a miscarriage, an ecoptic pregnancy, and stillbirth one day post due-date) with emotional candor and wizened retrospect. And from that scaffolding she addresses the many facets and considerations involved with the death of a baby. (Because some of these aspects are very time-sensitive, she makes a strong case for learning this material prior to decision-making. And this reviewer fully agrees with her.)
Speaking from both an empathetic and medical standpoint--everything rang true. The silence, discomfort, and stigma surrounding fetal and infant death is addressed from so many pertinent angles, I couldn't think of anything the author didn't adequately touch on. And the grace she encourages toward those who ignorantly offer their well-intentioned-yet-callous advice/opinions is admirable... perhaps more so than some deserve.
This didn't quite hit 5 stars for me because of the variable fonts and layout that made reading more difficult than it needed to be... and because it could have benefited from another editing pass. Other readers are less likely to be bothered by these more technical factors.
Context Note: I was given this book 8 days after receiving the news that our baby had died in utero. 5 days post D&C. And 1 day after I nearly hemorrhaged to death belatedly from said D&C.
I couldn't bring myself to begin reading it until 6 months later. (Although the information and commodore was so helpful, I wish I could have made myself back in those first few days. I simply didn't have the strength at the time. Or perhaps... I wish I'd read it before I was pregnant, so I would have been more prepared for the outcome I faced.)
In this work, Sherokee Ilse has chosen to share her own heart-wrenching instances of loss (a miscarriage, an ecoptic pregnancy, and stillbirth one day post due-date) with emotional candor and wizened retrospect. And from that scaffolding she addresses the many facets and considerations involved with the death of a baby. (Because some of these aspects are very time-sensitive, she makes a strong case for learning this material prior to decision-making. And this reviewer fully agrees with her.)
Speaking from both an empathetic and medical standpoint--everything rang true. The silence, discomfort, and stigma surrounding fetal and infant death is addressed from so many pertinent angles, I couldn't think of anything the author didn't adequately touch on. And the grace she encourages toward those who ignorantly offer their well-intentioned-yet-callous advice/opinions is admirable... perhaps more so than some deserve.
This didn't quite hit 5 stars for me because of the variable fonts and layout that made reading more difficult than it needed to be... and because it could have benefited from another editing pass. Other readers are less likely to be bothered by these more technical factors.
May 6, 2020
This book was given to us in the hospital, and I really appreciate having a resource when I went home. It was a helpful read that I wish I had read before we came home.
February 15, 2017
If you're considering reading this book and reading this review, I assume you've had a loss. And if that is the case, my deepest condolences to you. This is a position I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
I recently lost my son when he was stillborn at 39 weeks due to unknown reasons. This is the fourth infant death book I have read and it is my favorite. I actually wish I would have read it first. While it is fairly short, especially compared to the other ones I have read, I feel like it is very comprehensive and "to-the-point." When I was reading the other books on infant loss, I couldn't figure out why someone would write such a long book for a newly bereaved parent who barely has enough energy to get up in the morning let alone read a drawn-out book. Even more so, some of the information in these books is very time-sensitive as it relates to funeral arrangements, photographs, etc. of your deceased child so it helps that Empty Arms is quick and straightforward.
I apologize if I offend anyone, but some of the infant loss books I have read are from people who either haven't experienced a loss themselves or had a miscarriage. To me, there is a huge difference between a miscarriage and giving birth to a full-term stillbirth baby. This author's first child was stillborn for unknown reasons and she also experienced two miscarriages. She understands. She's been there. She also went on to have two healthy children. Her perspective and experiences make her well-qualified to author this book. She provides a lot of helpful advice and also shares how her and her husband and family handled certain aspects of their loss. Her tone is very tender and at times, felt like she was talking to me like I was her own daughter. There is also a great number of resources she references throughout the book and in the back of the book. I was a little disappointed that some of the websites are now defunct, but I understand that can happen. Regardless, I "enjoyed" this book and would recommend it to anyone going through a similar loss. Read this one first. The others can wait.
I recently lost my son when he was stillborn at 39 weeks due to unknown reasons. This is the fourth infant death book I have read and it is my favorite. I actually wish I would have read it first. While it is fairly short, especially compared to the other ones I have read, I feel like it is very comprehensive and "to-the-point." When I was reading the other books on infant loss, I couldn't figure out why someone would write such a long book for a newly bereaved parent who barely has enough energy to get up in the morning let alone read a drawn-out book. Even more so, some of the information in these books is very time-sensitive as it relates to funeral arrangements, photographs, etc. of your deceased child so it helps that Empty Arms is quick and straightforward.
I apologize if I offend anyone, but some of the infant loss books I have read are from people who either haven't experienced a loss themselves or had a miscarriage. To me, there is a huge difference between a miscarriage and giving birth to a full-term stillbirth baby. This author's first child was stillborn for unknown reasons and she also experienced two miscarriages. She understands. She's been there. She also went on to have two healthy children. Her perspective and experiences make her well-qualified to author this book. She provides a lot of helpful advice and also shares how her and her husband and family handled certain aspects of their loss. Her tone is very tender and at times, felt like she was talking to me like I was her own daughter. There is also a great number of resources she references throughout the book and in the back of the book. I was a little disappointed that some of the websites are now defunct, but I understand that can happen. Regardless, I "enjoyed" this book and would recommend it to anyone going through a similar loss. Read this one first. The others can wait.
May 4, 2011
Beautiful book. I highly recommend reading this. I got very emotional at times reading this. I was in a wonderful birth group with my first born son (after my first pregnancy loss) and we have stayed close through the 3 years after our children were all born. In that time one amazing woman lost her angel to SIDS and several of us have lost pregnancies (I personally lost 2 trying for our second born). One amazing woman just lost her beautiful son at the end of her pregnancy. I couldn't help but think of the emotions she has gone through and is going through. Many tears have been shed for her angel and for all the angels in my life. I couldn't help but remember my extremely sorrowful grieving time for my first loss. The second one didn't ever seem to hit me as strong but the third was also very hard. I think of my angels often. I don't think I'll ever be "over it" and this book encourages families to remember those children. The author speaks from her personal experience and shares words of healing and hope.
November 26, 2014
Has some good points that I will definitely implement in my own life. That having been said, all the typos and grammatical errors were distracting. It's hard for me to focus on the point when I'm mentally correcting grammar.
June 26, 2018
Empty Arms is a short, easy-to-read book about coping and confronting the death of yours or a loved one’s baby, whether born sleeping or miscarried. It gently and lovingly discusses what options you have in the hours and days following your loss, as well as informs the reader on what can happen during the grieving process and how to support someone going through it.
Sprinkled throughout the book are personal anecdotes from the author, who herself lost three children to miscarriage and stillbirth. The author’s experiences lent a sense of camaraderie, letting the reader know they are not alone in the process.
This book also offered several resources in the form of other books, poems, websites, and hotlines you can explore should you need to rely on more assistance.
This book was very short- I was able to finish it in just a few hours, which would be enormously helpful for bereaved parents who simply do not have the time to delve deep and read countless novels on grieving.
This book kept things manageable, and offered several outside sources of help, so when additional help/advice is needed, they do not have to look very far for extra help.
This book also split up the sections very clearly, making it a fitting resource for virtually anyone experiencing a crisis of this nature. There truly was something for everyone.
In all honesty, the book wasn’t edited very well. There were several grammatical errors made throughout the text, and it was a little distracting to see. There were also portions of the book that seemed weakly written, which should-and could- have been fixed during the revision of the book a few years ago.
As I stated above, I understand that this is meant to be a quick read- grieving parents just don’t have time to go through a heavy novel in the hours and days leading from the passing of their child, but I did feel that there were some parts that could have been discussed a little more in depth.
I also feel that there could have been a few more words of comfort in the form of quotes or poems that the parent could take with them. At times the book seemed a little emotionless and sterile and a comforting line or two would have been helpful.
Sprinkled throughout the book are personal anecdotes from the author, who herself lost three children to miscarriage and stillbirth. The author’s experiences lent a sense of camaraderie, letting the reader know they are not alone in the process.
This book also offered several resources in the form of other books, poems, websites, and hotlines you can explore should you need to rely on more assistance.
This book was very short- I was able to finish it in just a few hours, which would be enormously helpful for bereaved parents who simply do not have the time to delve deep and read countless novels on grieving.
This book kept things manageable, and offered several outside sources of help, so when additional help/advice is needed, they do not have to look very far for extra help.
This book also split up the sections very clearly, making it a fitting resource for virtually anyone experiencing a crisis of this nature. There truly was something for everyone.
In all honesty, the book wasn’t edited very well. There were several grammatical errors made throughout the text, and it was a little distracting to see. There were also portions of the book that seemed weakly written, which should-and could- have been fixed during the revision of the book a few years ago.
As I stated above, I understand that this is meant to be a quick read- grieving parents just don’t have time to go through a heavy novel in the hours and days leading from the passing of their child, but I did feel that there were some parts that could have been discussed a little more in depth.
I also feel that there could have been a few more words of comfort in the form of quotes or poems that the parent could take with them. At times the book seemed a little emotionless and sterile and a comforting line or two would have been helpful.
December 4, 2021
A practical guide to navigating the grief of losing your baby. There were parts of this I honestly would recommend to any pregnant woman. Some of us want to feel as prepared as possible, and knowing what to do even if things go south, will help us feel at peace in those moments, knowing that we made the hardest decisions without second guessing ourselves.
When we found out our baby girl had a possibly fatal kidney abnormality, I made a point to discuss with my husband what we would want to do if she did die, whether in utero or after birth. We made an emergency birth plan for this scenario so that we could write out and agree upon what we wished. When that time did indeed come our way, two days after her birth, we didn't even need to reference the document I had written up - we already knew what we had agreed on and just went with it. It was immeasurably helpful to be able to answer the nurses and medical staff quickly and without panic. I highly recommend that a couple at least discusses these possibilities together so that in those tragic and shocking moments you aren't having to think about them, or regret them later.
When we found out our baby girl had a possibly fatal kidney abnormality, I made a point to discuss with my husband what we would want to do if she did die, whether in utero or after birth. We made an emergency birth plan for this scenario so that we could write out and agree upon what we wished. When that time did indeed come our way, two days after her birth, we didn't even need to reference the document I had written up - we already knew what we had agreed on and just went with it. It was immeasurably helpful to be able to answer the nurses and medical staff quickly and without panic. I highly recommend that a couple at least discusses these possibilities together so that in those tragic and shocking moments you aren't having to think about them, or regret them later.
July 13, 2017
This book was one of the books that I choice from a required reading list from my Pregnancy and Infant loss course. And while the author touched on points that we had talked about in the course the author,Sherokee Ilse, brought up other things that I never considered. I'm happy that she addressed ALL types of pregnancy loss as valid. While the book is an older version it is essential for someone experiencing loss and their families,friends and care givers. Everything she said make me realize the importance of doula care for people during this time in their lives!
January 9, 2024
I read this book several weeks after my still birth and I did not find it helpful as I am already out of the thick of the decisions surrounding my son's death. I can see how someone at the beginning of their journey would find this book helpful with some of the hard decisions they are about to make regarding the birth and death of their child. Personally I was looking for help with grief and this just wasn't what I was looking for.
June 28, 2019
This book was so helpful to my husband and I when we delivered our stillborn daughter. Our midwife gave us the book while we were in labor, even before we delivered, and it helped walk us through the decisions we had to make, and then we continued to read it after we got home from the hospital over the next several weeks.
April 21, 2023
I got this book after losing my baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy, but many of the book topics were already in the past. There are better books about how to cope/grieve after loss, whereas I felt this was more what to do in the moment. Would have been helpful to have pre-hospital inducing/delivery.
March 11, 2024
The book contains great advice for navigating a situation surrounding pregnancy or infant loss. Few grammatical errors, but it is not a distraction and doesn’t take away from the information presented.
January 31, 2026
Empty Arms approaches miscarriage and infant loss with clarity and logic, validating emotions that are often left unspoken. It doesn’t offer quick fixes, but provides understanding and reassurance, helping the reader feel less alone. Meaningful and comforting, though slightly repetitive at times.
April 23, 2019
Empty arms is a compassionate and insightful book, full of discussions on loss and how to help those that are suffering through a tragic event. The text was educational and emotionally informed.
October 6, 2008
The social worker at the hospital gave this to me. I love the author's personal notes. The first sentence hooked me, as it was the first time I heard a story like mine: "On November 2, 1981, one day past our baby's due date, we were told the most heartbreaking news parents can hear: 'I'm sorry, your baby has died. There's no heartbeat.'"
It's broken into many small sections that are easily identifiable. I liked the ease of finding topics when needed to hear about them.
It's broken into many small sections that are easily identifiable. I liked the ease of finding topics when needed to hear about them.
July 29, 2011
This was a hospital handout I received after the death of my daughter. The poignant writing style is heart-touching and was an important part of my healing because it made me feel like I was not alone with my feelings of intense grief. I have come back to this book again and again when dealing with other similar losses. I highly recommend it to anyone who has lost a child.
May 31, 2015
Empty Arms was helpful with explaining the decisions that face parents at the time of the loss, has the style of a Q and A session, and provides further resources. This was a very factual book. It was helpful, but it was not the balm I was seeking for my soul. I was sad all over again after reading it.
January 23, 2008
This helped me out tremendously when I was first suffering through the loss of my daughters. It is directed towards miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death, so anyone suffering from a death other than those situations would not find much comfort.
February 6, 2008
This was a huge help to me after my second miscarriage. I think it is also a great book for someone who has a friend or family member who has had a miscarriage. It really help you understand what they are going through.
July 29, 2015
This book is short and provides support through the emotions and decisions following news of prenatal loss. I appreciated the straight-forward information regarding options regarding such practicalities as whether to hold your stillborn baby or options for burial/cremation of a miscarried child.
May 1, 2009
It was informative and had touching stories of those who have gone through this.
June 19, 2009
Nothing surprising. Seems like common sense.
July 2, 2013
Helpful.
May 28, 2014
Well intentioned, but I couldn't get past the countless typos and grammatical errors.
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December 6, 2017research reading.
Displaying 1 - 26 of 26 reviews